updated june 23, 2013
Tushie Meshuganah of the Foreign Office has worked alongside such legendary operatives as Lonslo Tossov, Ilichy Miracsky, Sir Charles Farnes-Barnes, and Sir Marmite Luny-Binns, under the able leadership of Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE (whose life of service is an example to us all).
Tushie's adventures are too numerous to cite at length. Among them, such gems as the long-running GOLDEN DORKS IN THE SUNSET, HOW ARE THINGS IN MBALONGA?, and the classic A REAL CHARLIE, will reward the connoisseur of fine, well-aged scambaits.
Here, she goes undercover to deal with a standard issue Orphan's Inheritance scam, typical elements of which are highlighted for the new reader.
Featuring
BLESSING IBRAHIM - honest and caring woman seeking honest and caring friend
LUKE KAMAGA - a cleric who cares for refugees
LONGE KUDU - barrister, conveniently possessing the same initials
versus
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH - of the Holy Bagel Community
SISTER ESTELLE - another member of that order
MOTHER NELDA OF MUSWELL - head of the local Batch
BLESSING IBRAHIM
From: eunicewilliams@rock.com
please write me through my yahoo mail address (blessing_333@yahoo.com) TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: May 10, 2013 Hello Miss Blessing, How are you today? Are you lonely? If so, do visit one of the houses run by The Holy Bagel Community. We have places for young people all over Europe and West Africa and you will be welcome at any of these places.
Remain blessed,
THE HOLY BAGEL COMMUNITY
The Holy Bagel Community was established by Pastor Cecil Ngoblah in 1989 to cater for the material, moral and spiritual needs of young African students and workers living in Great Britain. Although donations were received from several African states, the Community was beset by financial problems until 1998 when a student from Zambia - who at the time was renting a room in the Community's London hostel - won £9.5 million in the British National Lottery. BLESSING IBRAHIM
Date: Sat, 11 May 2013
My dearest one, My late father! Dr, Malik Ibrahim, was the director general of ministry of health Khartoum Sudan, and he was the personal adviser to the former head of state, before the rebel's attacked our house one early morning and they killed my mother, also with my father in cold blood. It was only me that is alive now,but I managed to make my way to a near by country Senegal , where i am living now in a refugee camp,and this computer is belonging to Mr Luke Kamaga he is the person taking care of those in the refugee here in Dakar. I would like to know more about you.Your like and dislike,your hobby and what you are doing presently.
I will tell you more about myself and what i have in mind if you can be honest and trust with me. in my next mail. This is your basic Orphan's Inheritance format. But you knew that. TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: May 11, 2013 Dear Blessing, How nice to hear from you. I am sorry to hear that you are one of the many refugees in our African continent. You would be far better living in the United Kingdom. If this appeals to you just let me know and I will arrange for a sponsor to sign your application for political asylum. The Holy Bagel Community's pastor Bishop Ben Zoma and Mother Nelda [our religious leader] are well respected and their signatures will guarantee a visa for you. Also, the Holy Bagel Community will pay for your flight from Senegal although you would be expected to repay this money once you have found work in the United Kingdom.
Remain blessed, BLESSING IBRAHIM
Sends the same email as before, and then: BLESSING IBRAHIM
Date: Mon, 13 May 2013
Hello Dearest, Mr Luke Kamaga Tel number is (+221-771694870) if you call tell him that you want to speak with me he will send for me in the hostel. As a refugee here i don't have any right or privileged to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place. Please listen to this,i have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which i will send to you latter,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in Bank of England which he used my name as the next of kin,the amount in question is $5.7M(Five Million seven Hundred Thousand Dollars). So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is Mr Luke Kamaga because he is like a father to me.
So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember i am giving you all this information due to the trust i deposed on you.I like honest and understanding people,truthful and a man of vision,truth and hard working. TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: May 13, 2013 Dear Baby Blessing, I was very moved by your story. However, the inheritance from your late father should make it easy for you to leave your refugee camp.Surely your friend Mr Luke Kamaga could arrange for your money to be transferred into his account - assuming of course that you trust him to give it back to you. If there is so much money available, it should be simple to give sizeable gifts to the bank officials who will then transfer the cash to your account with no questions asked. I suggest you offer Mr Kamaga $10,000 for his trouble. You will then be able to come to the UK to continue your studies. Our religious leaders Bishop Ben Zoma and Mother Nelda along with the head of our religious retreat Mother Estelle will sign your visa application forms and you can stay at our London house for as long as you need. As we say in my country of Smegaroon - gai kuck'n oif der yam,
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BLESSING IBRAHIM
Here we go...
Date: Tue, 14 May 2013
Hello Dearest, That is why i decided to look for help from someone and i need you to stand on my behalf as my trustee to the bank and ask them how to transfer this fund into your position in your country. I have the statement of account of my late father plus his death certificate as i told you. Everything about this account is clear. Please, all that i have told you about my situation here is the real life am passing through right now. All i need you to do for me is to contact the bank on my behalf as my foreign partner, and let us know how to transfer the money into your position in your country. I will like you to first contact the bank where this fund is deposited , let us first hear from the bank before doing any other thing. Please i am telling you all this about myself and situation with trust hoping that i am safe in your hand and that you will not betray me. No body knows what i have and where i am . And as i told you before, i don't go back home to face the enemy my late father created when he was alive back in my country. Please I'm asking you for my safety, keep it very private please, I know that God will help us do this transfer.
After transferring the money in an account in your country, you will then send me some money from there to get my traveling documents to come over to your country, as you know that i have nothing with me here. Also i will be very happy to hear your voice on the phone . So once i hear from you and also you mail me , I will send you the bank contact details , So that you will contact the bank about the account to find out how we can do about the transfer. I really appreciate your concern. Please, i will also need to know your phone number in case if i want to call and also your address in your country so that we can know each other well. Please if you know you can do this , Because i don't want you to leave me half way. I will come back later to check your reply. Also, pleases try to call me on the reverend's phone number that i sent to you so that we can speak . Have a nice day, hoping to hear from you soon. TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: May 14, 2013 Dear Blessing, I don't think you have carefully read my last e-mail. I repeat again what I suggested you do to get hold of your inheritance from your dear late father: "Surely your friend Mr Luke Kamaga could arrange for your money to be transferred into his account- assuming of course that you trust him to give it back to you! If there is so much money available, it should be simple to give sizeable gifts to the bank officials who will then transfer the cash to your account with no questions asked. Offer Mr Kamaga $10,000 for his trouble." Let me know what you think of this plan. If you want to speak to me or Mother Nelda our telephone number is 2084457419 [first dial the UK code]. SISTER TUSHIE xxx BLESSING IBRAHIM
Date: Wed, 15 May 2013
My Dear, But, I have to let you know that, Rev. Kamaga, is not My friend, Rather he is the one in charge of female hostel herein the camp. OK ? Secondly, I have asked the Bank the easiest way of transfer this very Money to me. But , they made me to understand that the only way , easy way to release this Money to me , is for me to look for a foreign partner who will present his or herself as my partner. Then they will process the Money and transfer it to my foreign partner's bank account, with out any hitch. WHY because, I am a refugee in another country, So I am not allowed to make any bank transaction , until i am free. OK ?. So, Please, you have to help me to make sure that the Money is transferred to your bank account, then you prepare documents for me to come over to continue with my studies . I a waiting for your urgent reaction to this message.
I Love you. TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: May 16, 2013 Dear Blessing, I'm sure you know best, my dear, but surely you can trust a man of God like Reverend Kamaga to sort out your finances. On the other hand I accept that there are some rogue clergymen who might take advantage of the situation. However, my close friend His Grace Bishop Lonslo Tossov of the Mbalongawank Baptist Church is planning to visit Dakar early next month and I can assure you that he is a most trustworthy person. He is also a friend of the Mayor of Dakar, His Excellency Dr Khalifa Sall and I am certain that Bishop Tossov would be happy to speak to him about your situation. So would you like me to telephone Bishop Tossov and ask him to intercede on your behalf?
Remain blessed. P.S. Mother Nelda says she has lit a candle on your behalf in the Holy Bagel Community chapel here in London and prayers are also being said for you in our sister Community in Los Angeles. BLESSING IBRAHIM
Date: Fri, 17 May 2013 My Dear, Your message was well received. And the whole contents were well understood. Firstly, i want to thank you a million times for your concern, And that of the BISHOP. You are free to do what ever you think that, can be of a help to me here. I a really passing through hell here. No Good food , no medication, we are only living like prisoners. I will be very happy to see the Bishop when he comes to Dakar by next month. Meanwhile, I want you to contact this lawyer immediately you receive this message. The reverend Father kamaga , introduced him to me. And he has visited me Twice here. He has advised me to permit him to ask the Bank to send the whole Money to one of the SECURITY and Finance Company herein Senegal. Please, contact him and know if he is capable to do so.
HERE IS HIS CONTACT: He is attached to the federal high court of justice here in Dakar. I Love you.
Yours . SISTER ESTELLE
Date: May 18, 2013 Dear Miss Blessing, Sister Tushie is spending the weekend in Smegaroon. She will return on Monday morning when I am sure she will respond to your letter as soon as possible. Kindest Thoughts,
Sister Estelle A pause for a word from our generous sponsors:
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THE HOLY BAGEL COMMUNITY - World Peace Through Yeast BLESSING IBRAHIM
Date: Mon, 20 May 2013 My Dear Sister Estelle, Thanks for your response . I a waiting for Sister Tushie arrival by Monday. God Bless you.
Yours. TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: May 20, 2013
Dearest Blessing, I am also involved in the Holy Bagel Community's monthly distribution of schnorrors to all deserving mendicants. As this involves gifts to individual recipients of up to fifty Smegaroonian golden dorks [the equivalent of five hundred US dollars], you will appreciate I cannot process the paperwork quickly. However, I will endeavour to contact your lawyer tomorrow or Wednesday.
Remain blessed, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Sister Tushie dutifully contacts the "Barrister"
Date: May 22, 2013 Dear Barrister Kudus, Your name has been given to me by Miss Blessing [as you will note from the correspondence] as a reputable person who will assist her in transferring her legacy into a foreign bank account. I will allow you to use The Holy Bagel Community's bank facilities in order for you to perform this service. However, would you please confirm that you are willing to take on this work?
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH To be continued? BARRISTER LONG KUDU
And the "Barrister" picks up his copy of the script!
Date: Mon, 27 May 2013
Dear TUSHIE , TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: May 29, 2013 Dear Mr Kudu, Thank you for your e-mail. I am pleased you are able to assist in the transfer of Miss Blessing's money to our bank account. However, no mention of legal fees was made by Miss Blessing. This should not create any problem so long as these fees are not exorbitant. You should let me know the total of all costs involved as soon as possible and then we can proceed. Yours sincerely,
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
Date: Wed, 29 May 2013
My Dear Tushie, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: May 29, 2013 Dear Mr Kudu, Thank you for your prompt response. Your legal fee of $500 is acceptable. But surely there is no reason for your to travel out of Dakar let alone Senegal to complete the necessary modalities so I don't quite understand why you need another $550 for any 'mobilization' expenses. Remain blessed,
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
Date: Thu, 30 May 2013
Dear Tushie, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: May 30, 2013 Dear Mr Kudu, Thank you for your e-mail. But as I noted in my previous e-mail, I am quite happy to pay you $500 or $550 which you say is the amount you need to swear the affidavit. However, I see no reason to pay another $500 for 'mobilization' expenses as you do not need to leave the country. Best wishes,
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
Date: Thu, 30 May 2013
Dear Tushie, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
1 June 2013 Dear Mr Kudu, I realise that English is not your mother tongue which can lead to misunderstanding of letters addressed to you. Please do not take this as a criticism as I only speak English and French whilst I am sure you are fluent in several African languages. Therefore I must ask you to tell me again just how much will the legal fees be - US$500 or US$550? And as you agree there will be no travel expenses, I assume we can dispense with this further fee of US$500 'mobilization' expenses. I shall be in Smegaroon until Tuesday evening. However, once I receive a confirmation of your fee we can proceed to complete these modalities without further delay. Remain Blessed,
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
Date: Sat, 1 Jun 2013
Here is the Information with which you should send the Money, Through Western Union MOney Transfer. MOTHER NELDA
Date: June 1, 2013 Dear Mr Kudu, Sister Tushie informed you in her previous e-mail that she is spending the next few days in Smegaroon in retreat with the director of our Far East community Sir Aspis Fuk Yu at the Meditation Circle of Bishop Tossov of Mbalongawank. As Sister Tushie added, she will contact you on her return on the evening of June 4th. God Help You,
SISTER NELDA OF MUSWELL TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: June 4, 2013 Dear Mr Kudu, I have now read your e-mail of June 1st. However, I must reiterate that whilst we are happy to pay your legal fees of US$500, I have spoken to Bishop Tossov of Mbalongawank and he agrees with me that we cannot be responsible for your 'mobilization' expenses. Therefore, if you accept that we will only send you US$500, please let me know that you accept this proposition. Once I receive your acceptance, we can then proceed without further unnecessary delay. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. As we say in Smegaroon - a beyzer gzar zol af der kumen,
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
The "Barrister" lays on the pressure. Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2013
Dear Tushie, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: June 6, 2013 Dear Mr Kudu, I agreed to send you $500. I did not agree to spend time and money by using Western Union Simply send me the name of your bank including your account number and the SWIFTBIC and IBAN and we can make an electronic transfer.
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
Date: Thu, 6 Jun 2013
Dear Tushie,
Bellow is account Information.
BANK NAME IS : BANK OF AFRICA SENEGAL
BRANCH ADDRESS:HANN MARISTE . BENEFICIARY :xxxxxxx GREGORY . IBAN SNO8SN10001012003818150xxxxx BANK CODE: SNxxx . CODE GUICHET xxxxx ACCOUNT NUMBRE xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx SWIFT CODE AFRISNBXXX RIB KRY 48 Semi-anonymized to protect the possibly scammed. Scam victims sometimes provide bank accounts for the purpose of receiving dirty money. This is (duh) money laundering. Sometimes they don't understand what they're being pulled into. TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Good Heavens, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
7 June 2013 Dear Mr Kudu, Thank you for your e-mail of June 6. However, you have sent me details of a bank account in the name of Gregory xxxxx as opposed to Longe Kudu. Perhaps this was sent in error by your secretary.
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
Date: Fri, 7 Jun 2013
Dear Tushie, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: June 8, 2013 THIS IS AN AUTOMATED REPLY Our Founder Reverend Cecil Ngoblah is ninety years old on June 10th. To celebrate this special birthday all Holy Bagel Community employees have been invited to a three day celebration in Smegaroon. Therefore this office will be closed until Tuesday June 11 and we apologise for any inconvenience caused.S TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: June 11, 2013 Dear Mr Kudu, I am pleased to inform you that it will not be necessary to make a bank transfer because - as I informed you in an earlier e-mail - the director of the Holy Bagel Community, Bishop Tossov of Mbalongawank, will be in Dakar this month and he has five hundred US dollars in cash to pay your legal fees. The Bishop will be in Dakar from Thursday June 13 to Sunday June 16 and is staying at the Radisson Blu Hotel, Route de la Corniche Ouest. As you can imagine, he has many engagements during this short stay. Therefore on Friday morning he will leave $500 in an envelope at the hotel reception desk marked For the Attention of Mr Kudu. You will be asked to present proof of identity - like a driving licence - and sign the receipt which is also in the envelope and give it to the reception clerk. If you have any queries feel free to contact Bishop Tossov at lonslo-tossov@hotmail.com Remain blessed,
SISTER TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2013
Dear Tushie, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
At this point Tushie loses patience. Date: June 12, 2013 Kudu, So picking up an envelope from a leading hotel in Dakar is somehow beneath your dignity. Of course, the truth is simply that you are a stupid idiot. Do you really think that anyone with a grain of common sense would believe you are really a lawyer? I know you are a common Nigerian style 419 scammer. The tale of a young refugee with a huge amount of money that can only be taken out of the country by a foreigner with the aid of a lawyer is so old that I am surprised to see it still being used. But let me inform you, Mugu, that your e-mail details have been forwarded to the International Internet Criminal Investigations Force because the Nigerian police can be easily bribed. So you and your Oga can expect a visit from Captain Makalele of the IICIF in the next few days.
LIEUTENANT TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
BUT HE WOULDN'T LET IT GO... Date: Wed, 12 Jun 2013
I DO NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL OR MEAN.!!! TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: June 13, 2013 Little Boy, 1. 419 scams are illegal. 2. Bishop Tossov of Mbalongawank does exist and you should beg him for forgiveness. His e-mail affress is xxxxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx 3. Colonel Makalele has traced your whereabouts and will soon be knocking at your door. TUSHIE MESHUGANAH BARRISTER LONG KUDU
...who apparently thinks Tushie really expected money out of this affair... Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2013 .IF 419 scams are illegal.why are you and your Bishop into it ??? You are waiting for Money which you did not know where it came from into your church account ?? Thief.!!! Nonsense !! you want to reap where you did not sow ?? IDIOTS !!!!TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: June 13, 2013 Kudu, Are you out of your mind? I am an officer of an International organisation dedicated to stopping 419 scams most of which originate from Nigeria. YOU are the person who tried to scam me out of $500 for 'legal fees'. You are not a lawyer and there is no "Baby Blessing" living in a refugee camp in Dakar or anywhere else. She is a figment of your Oga's imagination. Now listen - you are a very foolish fellow but you are not one of the leading criminals. TUSHIE MESHUGANAH TUSHIE MESHUGANAH
Date: June 13, 2013 Kudu, I should have added that as you are not one of the leading criminals we have decided not to prosecute you on this occasion. But be warned - we will take further action if you continue to send these fraudulent e-mails.
LIEUTENANT TUSHIE MESHUGANAH |