From: MRS.MARY.ELIZABETH.JONES <jonserena@netscape.net>
Date: jueves, 27 mayo 2004 7:36 PM
Subject: Donation To Receive And Help Use For The Less Previledge.
Peace of the lord be with your entire household,
I am Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Jones, a Kuwaiti national I was married to Dr.Harry Jones who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory coast for nine years before he died in the year 2000,He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.
We were married for eleven years and the union unfortunately did not produce any offspring. Before his death we had given our lives to Christ and were living according to his Words. A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with cancer and the doctor has informed me that I do not have much time to live. Presently I am practically an invalid as the cancer has ravaged my body and I can feel my life slowly ebbing away. I do not have much time to do the Lord's work but He will give me strength to see my last assignment through.
My husband, Dr.Harry Jones before his death deposited his life savings of $8.6Million (Eight Million Six hundred thousand U.S. Dollars) in a consignment with a financial institution in the European continent as gtem stones for security reasons unknown to the security firm best known to me,my attorney and my late husband.
Before his death, we were committed to the growth of the church And the propagation of the word, but I can no longer partake in these noble tasks. I need a church, Christian individual or individuals who can continue the work on our behalf and will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here into-funding churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. To care for the sick, the poor, the downtrodden wherever they may be The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that gives. I took this decision because I don't have any child or next of kin who can inherit these funds. Though the internet is a seemingly unlikely place to find such individuals, I believe that the Lord hides jewels in the most unlikely places. It is not the means that is important but the message. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. With God all things are possible.
My lawyer who is presently on an assignment in The Netherlands he will issue you a letter of authorization that will prove you as the present- beneficiary to these funds and also other documents backing the claim of the consignment funds. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. Happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.
Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.
Hoping to hearing from you.
N.B-PLEASE I WILL ADVICE YOU TO GIVE THE LAWYER IN CHARGE A CALL IN THE NETHERLANDS IMMEDIATELY, HE DOES EVERYTHING ON MY BEHALF AND HE'S VERY UNDERSTANDING AND I BELIEVE HE WILL LEAD YOU TO YOUR SUCCESS IN JESUS.
LAWYER`S CONTACT DETAILS:
NAME: Mr.Kingsley.L.Stober
E-MAIL: cyrillawest@netscape.net
Tell: 0031-629-215-703
Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Jones.
Well, pretty much the same as Mrs Martin's. Nice touch the Biblical quote, though. So my answer is, basically, the same I wrote to Mrs Martin. Lazy me!
Brother Samuel Vimes
Dear Mrs Jones:
Praise the Lord, Allelluyah!
Your message came literally from Heaven, as we were praying for some help to go on with our Mission.
I am Brother Samuel Vimes, of Our Lady of Constant Distress Mission of the Bethamithe Church. We are committed to help the less fortunates. In our case we are dedicated to the poor of the slums called Villa Tachito, in Argentina. Everyday we give two hot meals to 538 kids and provide them and their families with clothes, job opportunities and such.
We were planning to build a church, a hospital and a school for this poor community but, alas!, our funds don't let us fulfill our plans as wished. Your kindfull donation comes as a Blessing from God Himself. I asure you that you will bring smiles to all those 538 dirty faces. I am not the one to say what Jesus would do, but if I were Him, you will be seating at my right for all the Eternity, blessed in Heaven for ever and ever.
Oh, dear lady, you'll pass away with joy and grace in your heart and in your soul!
In short: I am your humble servant and I will do everything that I can to serve you best.
Yours in the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
--
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
Our Lady of Constant Distress
Gral. Gonzales 4198
(D1776XZN) La Impostura
Argentina
Also, I contact the lawyer.
Brother Samuel Vimes
Dear Sir:
Madame Mary Elizabeth Jones told me to give you some personal data you need in order to help me help her.
My name is Samuel Vimes
My address is
Our Lady of Constant Distress
Gral. Gonzales 4198
(D1776XZN) La Impostura
Argentina
My phone/fax number is 54-11-4113-4190-6848
I hope this serves you right.
Yours in the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
--
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
Our Lady of Constant Distress
Gral. Gonzales 4198
(D1776XZN) La Impostura
Argentina
The first twist in the plot comes right away.
Mail Delivery Subsystem
The original message was received at Mon, 31 May 2004 17:42:18 -0400 (EDT) from xxx.xx.xx.ar [200.45.191.6]
*** ATTENTION ***
----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<jonserena@netscape.net>
<<< 552 jonserena MAILBOX FULL
554 <jonserena@netscape.net>... Service unavailable
Oh, oh.
Oh, oh.
Oh, oh.
Wait a minute! The lawyer answers! And sends documents attached.
Mr Kingsley L. Stober
  
|
From: cyrillawest@netscape.net Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 09:47:44 -0400 Subject: CONTACT UFSCOMPANY(DOCUMENTS ATTACHED) Dear Vimes, Thank you once more for the assistance you are rendering to my client, Attached to this e-mail are the vital documents that is,Irrevocable Limited Power Of Attorney ,Certificate Of Deposit and The Shipment Airway Bill.This is what you have to do,contact Union Finance And Security Company via thier contact info.below, tell them your full name and country and that you are now the present sole beneficiary to the consignment trunk box containing gem stones deposited by late Dr.Harry Jones approved by his Attorney Br.Kingsley.L.Stober on behalf of his wife Mrs.Mary.E.Jones who is presently very ill,that with you are the vital documents backing the claim of the consignment. Immediately after you contacted this company,get back to me to keep me posted on how it went. Please don`t disclose the real content of the consignment to the company for security reasons,just tell them the consignment contains gem stones,but between me,you and my client the real content of the consignment trunk box is $8.600,000.00USD If your presence is needed in Holland,I will go with you to the company as my client`s attorney and representative. COMPANY`S CONTACT DETAILS: NAME:UNION FINANCE AND SECURITY COMPANY ADDRESS: 66 VANBONEGEIN PLEIN 1102 FG,AMSTERDAM,THE NETHERLANDS. TEL- 0031 630 835 750 FAX- 0031 645 586 757 E-MAIL ADDRESS: ufscompany@mail2world.com I awaits your prompt response. Regards, Br.Kingsley.L.Stober. |
Is it me or the guy with wig in the law firm's letterhead is George Washington? I have nothing against George Washington but what has he to do in an African Law Firm Letterhead? Ah, the lads, the lads...
By the way: Isn't it curious too that the lad puts dots after all his names? And that his email seems to be from a guy named Cyrill A. West? And Mrs Jones' from Jon Serena? Ah, the lads, the lads, the lads...
Brother Samuel Vimes
Dear Mr Kingsley:
Thanks for your response, I'll read conciously the documents attached and if they are convenientely written and the truth is been said I'll send them to the security company.
I am now a bit worried about the health of Mrs Jones since I sent her an email introducing myself and the work I do here but it bounced back with the message that her has her mailbox full, meaning that, I collumbrate, that she isn't checking them in the moment of present. Since she had the enough health to write to me I pressume she had a fallback in her being and had to be hospitalized or something worse.
Please tell me how is her and give her my best regards and tell her I'll be praying for her prompt recovery and the wellfare of her Soul, knowing that Jesus would be taking care of her situation personally as it is usual in Him in cases like Mrs Jones'.
Please be nice and read to her the message I sent to her and she never received, thanks.
-------Message follows---------------
(same message I sent, won't repeat it thrice)
---------END OF MESSAGE--------------------
I appreciate the good deeds you are performing, Mr Kingsley. May the Grace of the Lord shower over your head.
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
Now that I re-read what I wrote I wonder what had I inhaled to write in such a flapadoodlesque circumvalatoriously fashion. Later that day, I bring a moral issue to Kingsley:
Brother Samuel Vimes
Dear Mr Kingsley
I re-read your last message and I find everything correct and acceptable, except for the part that you say I must tell the seccurity company a lie. You know, Our Lord forbids us to do so in the Ten Commandments and I feel uncomfortable to commit a sin, even if it for the better good. I don't know why Mr and Mrs Jones, being the pious christians they are, didn't tell the truth to the seccurity firm. I supposse they had their reasons but my heart aches for knowing the fate their inmortal souls may run for disobeying God's Primary Law.
Please advice me as an attorney what I must do to avoid condemning my soul to the fires of Hell.
Thank you.
Yours in the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
"Oh, please", said Kingsley, "don't make me think too hard or my head is gonna explode!" Then, he wrote this explanatory email
Mr Kingsley L. Stober
Dear Vimes,
My late client did not tell a lie and he`s not ordering you to go against your religion.My late cleint deposited this funds as gem stones for security reasons due to his unGODly muslim relatives who are wicked,greedy,heartless and selfish,he did this to stop them from getting access to his funds because they will squanda the money and use it for unGODly purposes.This company is a courier company,they ship different kind of goods.My client want the safety of this funds and it security that was why he deposited the funds in such manner.You don`t have anything to worry about,I`m at your service and i`m presently in amsterdam the city where the company is located.Just do as instructed to retrieve this consignment from the firm.Mrs.Jones is udergoing a serouis major operation now,i`m having the same problem sending mail too but hopefully before the week runs out she will be little bit okay to respond to our e-mail.
Thanks once more and do as instructed if you are still ready to assist my client.
Regards,
Br.Stober.
The unGODly muslim relatives will squanda the money for unGODly purposes!
The unGODly muslim relatives will squanda the money for unGODly purposes!
The unGODly muslim relatives will squanda the money for unGODly purposes!
They are the Axis of Evil! They support Al-Qaeda! They are Osama bin Laden's third wife's second cousin's friend of a friend!
Beware! Send the marines!
Quickly!
Brother Samuel Vimes
You wrote:
> My late client did not tell a lie and he`s not ordering
> you to go against your religion.
I must disagree. Not telling the truth is telling a lie and the sine qua non condition is that I tell the security company that we are claiming gems instead of money, that is, we are not telling the truth, we are lying, and lying is forbidden by the Law of God, so I am being obliged to go against my Religion.
>My late cleint deposited this funds as gem
> stones for security reasons due to his unGODly muslim relatives
I disagree again. Muslims are very Godly people, they worship Allah and His Prophet Muhammad, and although we Christians disagree with them in many theological matters, the truth is that Allah is derived from Yahweh and that Jesus is considered a prophet by the muslims (they call Him Isa).
Anyway, I don't expect that a lawyer can grasp the subtleties of Religion and Theology and I am convinced that this operation is a Gift from God, so I will contact the security company and I won't mention neither gems or dollars as the content of the trunk boxes. Doing so I won't be telling a lie (although I won't be telling the truth either).
I wish this solution fits well in your plans.
Give my blessings to Mrs Jones.
Yours in the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
"No! Please! Don't make me think! I don't wanna think! My brain hurts!" cried Kingsley and made all Abidjan shudder of grief.
While he recovers, I try to be a good boy and send my information to the securities guy.
Brother Samuel Vimes
Dear sirs:
I am Samuel Vimes, the present sole beneficiary to the consignment trunk boxes deposited by late Dr.Harry Jones approved by his Attorney Br. Kingsley. L. Stober on behalf of his wife Mrs. Mary. E. Jones who is presently very ill. I am in possesion of the vital documents backing the claim of the consignment, as detailed in the attachment of the present email.
My personal data is detailed below:
My name is Samuel Vimes
My address is
Our Lady of Constant Distress
Gral. Gonzales 4198
(D1776XZN) La Impostura
Argentina
My phone/fax number is 54-11-4113-4190-6848
If there's anything else you need, please be free to ask.
Yours in the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
After taking a whole trunk box of aspirins, Kingsley manages to write a reply:
Mr Kingsley L. Stober
Dear Vimes,
Don`t get it wrong, I didn`t say muslim is a bad religion,i said his muslim relatives are bad according to Dr.harry jones before his demise,i didn`t say muslim as a religion is bad don`t get it twisted.And please don`t acuse me wrongly.Muslim is a peaceful religion so kindly change those thoughts.
Regards,
Br.Stober.
Please, dude, did or didn't you write unGODly?
Be a man and stand for your words!
Brother Samuel Vimes
Ok, I understand your reasons, but it was you and not me who wrote "unGODly" near "muslim". Why write that if you don't think that muslims are unGODly? Why don't just write (as you did now) "bad relatives"?
Anyway, I sent the documents to the security company and I am waiting for their response.
Yours in the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
SAMUEL VIMES
Enters the securities guy
Terry Hendry or James Bryant
From: "terry hendry" <ufscompany@mail2world.com>
Date: Wed, 2 Jun 2004 07:59:47 -0700
Subject: RETRIEVING CONSIGNMENT REQUIREMENTS(U.F.SCOMPANY)
Dear Samuel Vimes,
With the Reference Code Number U.F.S/1205/K1 you gave us, we have ONE TRUNK BOX OF GEM STONES, belonging to DR.HARRY JONES.
For you to be able to pick up these consignment you will have to come up with the following requirements.
1. A copy of your personal identification(i.e. your country passport or drivers license).
2. A balance payment of 11,150.00euro for demurrage,storage and administrative charges which need to be made before the consignment is released from the warehouse.
3. Your presence will be required in our office in Amsterdam for you to sign all the documents relating to the release of the consignments.
Please let us know when you will be coming to Amsterdam, so that we can send one of our staff and driver to pick you up to our clearing house.
Best Regards,
James Bryant.
Account Rep
Oh, my! These lads aren't sure of their names! And they want to steal money from ME?
Brother Samuel Vimes
Dear Mr Bryant:
I received your message, which asks for some requirements I am not quite sure about:
>1. A copy of your personal identification(i.e. your country passport or
>drivers license).
That can be done. But it doesn't mean it would be done. Identity Thefth is a major threat nowadays and I can't risk myself to be a victim of it. I don't distrust you, but maybe the copy of my passport is left uncared, some cleaning lady without scruples enters, steals it and next thing I know is that I am in the FBI most wanted list.
All I can do is to send you my DNI number (76.419.666), take it or leave it.
>2. A balance payment of 11,150.00euro for demurrage,storage and administrative
>charges which need to be made before the consignment is released from the >warehouse.
Mrs. Jones told me that all these charges were set, that she had already paid for them. Anyway, perhaps our lawyer, Mr. Kingsley L. Stober, is more aware of the situation. His email is crillawest@netscape.net and his telephone is 0031-629-215-703. Contact him and if there's something left unpaid he will take charge of it, he has our power of attorney to dispose of our funds at will.
>3. Your presence will be required in our office in Amsterdam for you to sign
>all the documents relating to the release of the consignments.
That's difficult, since I am in charge of Our Lady of Constant Distress Mission of the Bethamithe Church, a religious organization committed to help the less fortunates. In our case we are dedicated to the poor of the slums called Villa Tachito, in Argentina. Everyday we give two hot meals to 538 kids and provide them and their families with clothes, job opportunities and such.
As you can imagine, that requires for my constant presence there and travelling would be very hard, if not impossible.
And, as you might have noticed, I am a Priest bounded to an Order. That means that I must ask for my superiors to travel freely, and, of course, to dispose of the money needed to buy the plane ticket.
Anyway, I'll see what I can do. Maybe if all this signing doesn't take too long Brother Gustavo Lacear can take care of the Mission for some days.
Yours in the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
Cultural note: DNI is the ID card in Argentina. According to the number I gave I am yet unborn and will remain that way for many many many years. "Gustavo Lacear" is a funny name that sounds like "Gusta Bolacear", that is, "Likes to Speak Bullshit". Like the lads, look at you!
Since I noted I was technically "lying" to the securities guy, next day I wrote this explanatory note to Kingsley, in order to avoid his recriminations for my sin:
Brother Samuel Vimes
Dear Kingsley:
Yesterday I was contacted by the seccurities company. They came with some requirements that I found suspicious, I felt (as you warned me) that they are conspired with Mr Jones' relatives. This is the only explanation I found for their claims.
They even tried to get money from me! And wanted to perform a transparent identity thefth scam asking my passport!
Did they think people is so naive?
I told them to contact you. My apologies for doing that without asking you first, but I thought that you, being a lawyer, would be more skilled to detect if they are trying to steal us or they are just being honest.
Please tell me if I am right or wrong.
Thanks
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
Silence.
No answer.
Four days and nothing.
It's a fact: I scared the lads.
So it's time to double down the bet.
So all the lads involved receive this "friendly" message:
Brother Samuel Vimes
Are you making fun of me?
Why don't you answer?
I think you all were trying to scam me and when I showed that I was no fool and wasn't going to obey you blindly you moved away.
Well, dear lads, I feel sorry for you. I am planning to send all the information about you I have to the competent authorities and you will feel the heavy arm of the law. I give you 24 hs to prove me wrong, if you fail you better run cos the FBI's gonna get your number.
And I will curse you by the Divine Power I have as a priest!
Fear the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham!
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
Yeah! Music With Rocks In! (**)
Kingsley gets upset
Mr Kingsley L. Stober
ARE U INSANE?
I`M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
As the lads usually say: (LAUGHTER)
Brother Samuel Vimes
Insane?
Why?
You and the seccurity company ignored me after I showed some remorses in sending money and my passport. The alledged Mrs Jones who contacted me is nowhere and didn't drop a line (and her "sickness" is not excuse, she wrote a lenghty letter after getting silent)
This, my friend, makes me doubt of the whole opperation. If you act like crooks don't get offended if people calls you crooks.
Prove me wrong. Prove me you are honest and true and God-fearing people.
If not, you know the consequences.
Yours in the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
My mistake: Mrs Jones wrote the letter before getting silent, not after. Anyway, this is unnoticed by the lad. And gives me the cold shoulder.
Mr Kingsley L. Stober
Good day,
Due to your lack of respect and dubiuos character,your status as the beneficiary of my client`s funds has been withdrawn,the company sent me abusive letter you sent to them,we never knew you are a ship in a wolf clothing,nevermind my client will get someone or organisation to assist her.
Br.Stober.
Please, no, baby, please, don't go!
If you don't to stay for me do it for our children!
Please!
Brother Samuel Vimes
Lack of respect and dubious character my ass.
You know, an exact reproduction of the letter written by your client was sent to me by some "Mrs Rose Toyo".
Word for word the same letter, just the names changed.
So, don't insult me. You are the scammers, the thiefs, the ones who take the Name of the Lord in vain to steal the money of charitable and good hearted people.
You, if you are a real lawyer, are a disgrace to your profession, your lack of intelligence makes me believe you got your degree in a cereal box.
Btw, is George Washinton the guy in your letterhead?
Please!
Ah, and the expression is "sheep in a wolf clothing", not "ship". A ship, if you don't know, is that thing that goes over the water and carries people from here to there. Yes, a big canoe.
Your names and information have been given to the pertinent authorities. If I were you I would run away.
But if I were you I had had commited suicide long timeago.
Bad bye and have a misserable life
Curses you in the Names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
Brother SAMUEL VIMES
And this seems the end. At least of this particular story, because my partner Natalia Sturgeon is feeling interested in contacting Mrs Jones and Kingsley and producing the third part of this fruitfull franchise.
Be blessed and don't go around or the unGODly muslims are gonna squanda your money!
Yours in the names of Jesus, Mary, Eloi and Betham
BROTHER SAMUEL VIMES
Footnotes
(*) Fucking close to water
(**) Discworld's equivalent of Rock'n'Roll. Read "Soul Music" to understand.