SAMUEL VIMES
Oh, sigh, everything must come to an end...Simbi blocked my [Natalia Sturgeon's] address:
Anyway this must not be a deffinitive end.
I resent the last post with a hotmail account (ha!)
Let's see what happens.
And I changed sex. From now on, I'm Samuel Vimes. Those familiar with Terry Pratchett's Discworld books will recognize this name as the Commander of Ankh Morpork's Guard. But this literary refference goes no further than the name and one or two unimportant thingies.
I wrote to Simbi. She answered. Viva!
Hugs
NATALIA STURGEON a.k.a. SAMUEL VIMES
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: 17 Jun 2003, 01:03:35 PMSubject: ARGENTINA 3, LADS 0 spin off
Hi
Here's Samuel Vimes, the masculine side of Natalia Sturgeon.
As I told you, the conversation between my she-me and Simbi Tureh came to a halt when Simbi blocked my email address with the Yahoo blocking tool.
But that's not an obstacle to a bad guy/girl like me, so here's the spin off of the "ARGENTINA 3, LADS 0" soap opera
I skip the lad letter since is the same as before, and here is my offer of help to a widow in distress:
From: Samuel Vimes
Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2003 10:49:44 -0300
To: simbi tureh [simbi_tureh2003@yahoo.fr]
Subject: I will help you
Dear Madam:
I just arrived from a long trip to Überwald and found your email asking me for help.
Are you still in need of help?
Because I am willing to help you.
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Samuel Vimes, 42, married with children (2). As your husband, I'm in the export-import business, so in this aspect I think the deal go swiftly and smoothly.
Please tell me what can I do for you
Best regards
SAMUEL VIMES
Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork
113-4190-6848
...the original "Samuel Vimes" is a character from Terry Pratchett's Discworld books. Überwald, Ankh-Morpork and Pseudopolis Yard are places taken also from those books to. The phone number is one I made up and I think is not functional at all. Notice the "419" in it. Notice the last four number spell MUGU. Oh, I'm so cool and read!
Two hours later, Simbi replies. She sends a photo that isn't the one she sent to Natalia. I can't tell if is the same lady, but this Simbi is nicer than the other. Unfortunately I am married... although I can have an affair
SIMBI TUREH
From: simbi tureh [simbi_tureh2003@yahoo.fr]Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2003 19:03:04 +0200
To: Samuel Vimes
Subject: DETAILS OF THE TRANSACTION
DEAR SAMUEL,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?OF COURSE,I AM STILL VERY MUCH INTERESTED IN MAKING THIS TRASACTION WITH YOU.THANK YOU FOR THE INTEREST YOU HAVE SHOWED ME TOWARDS HELPING ME AND MY ONLY SON OUT OF THIS SITUATION. AS YOU MAY LIKE TO KNOW THE NEXT STEP TO TAKE IN THIS TRANSACTION AS WELL AS THE WHOLE ISSUE CONCERNING THIS FUND. THIS CONSINGMENT WAS DEPOSITED BY MY LATE HUSBAND ON THE 9TH OF AUGUST 2002 IN A PRIVATE SECURITY
COMPANY HERE IN ABIDJAN COTE D'IVOIRE FOR SAFE KEEPING, TO BE CLEARED AND EXPORTED TO OVERSEAS FOR INVESTMENT. THE FUND IS WELL CEILED IN TWO TRUNK BOXES WHICH WERE REGISTERED AS ART WORK
NOT AS MONEY FOR SECURITY REASONS AND TO AVOID CONFISICATION OF THE FUND. HOWEVER LUCK RAN AGAINST HIM AND HE MET HIS UNTIMELY DEATH. NOW,WHAT I EXACTLY NEEDED FROM YOU IS TO HELP ME GET THE CONSIGNMENT CLEARED FROM THE SECIRITY COMPANY AFTER WHICH IT WILL BE CARRIED TO AN INTERNATIONAL BANK FOR ONWARD TRANSFER INTO YOUR OWN ACCOUNT IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY. A CONCRET AGREEMENT MUST BE MADE B/W ME AND YOU FOR THIS TO WORK OUT SUCCESSFULLY. I WOULD HAVE
PREFERED THAT YOU COME DOWN TO ABIDJAN TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE SECURITY COMPANY AND SEE THINGS YOURSELF.BUT IF YOU ARE SKEPTICAL OVER COMING DOWN TO AFRICA, I CAN INQUIRE FROM THE MANAGEMENT OF THE COMPANY TO SEE IF THEY CAN LIFT THE CONSINGMENT THROUGH DIPLOMATIC CURRIER SERVICE TO THIER ANY AFFILIATED BRANCHES IN EUROPE OR OVERSEAS SO THAT YOU CAN GO THERE ON MY BEHALF TO CLEAR THE CONSIGNMENT FOR ME.AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU NEXT I WILL FORWARD TO YOU ALL THE NECCESSARY DOCUMENTS CONCERNING THIS DEPOSIT.THEREFORE YOU ARE REQUSTED TO FORWARD TO ME HENCEFORTH YOUR PHONE AND FAX NUMBERS FOR ADEQUATE
COMMUNICATION.MOREOVER A CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP MUST BE EFFECTED TO YOUR OWN NAME,IF NOT DONE IN THIS WAY, SUCH SYSTEM CAN'T WORK OUT. PLEASE THIS DEAL MUST BE KEPT SECRET AS IT IS THE ONLY HOPE FOR ME AND MY ONLY CHILD EDWIN TO MAKE FORTUNES IN OUR LIVES AS THE BREAD WINNER IS NO LONGER ALIVE.
THE 10% WHICH ME AND MY SON PROMISED TO GIVE YOU REMAINS UNTOUCHED. IN YOUR NEXT MAIL TO ME PLEASE INDICATE YOUR FULL INTEREST AND TRUSTWORTHYNESS TO ENABLE ME FO
RWARD YOUR NAME TO THE SECURITY COMPANY. I ATTACHED MY PHOTO FOR YOU TO SEE HOW I LOOK LIKE
THIS IS THE CONTACT OF THE SECURITY COMPANY (e-mail as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com)while their phone number is 00225-07-72-65-73)while thier fax is (00225-21-24-17-45)FOR YOU TO CONTACT THE SECURITY COMPANY FOR CONFIRMATION OF THIS DEPOSIT AND TO INQUIRE FROM THEM THE PROCEDURES OF CHANGING THE OWNERSHIP OF THIS CONSIGNMENT FROM MY SON'S NAME EDWIN TO YOUR OWN NAME AS THE BENEFICIARY. I AM STOPPING HERE SO FAR TILL I HEAR FROM YOU NEXT.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUR URGENT
AND
POSITIVE REPLY.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON.
WHILE MY PHONE NUMBER IS 00225-05-68-40-78 PLEASE ,TRY TO CALL ME ON MY LINE AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL SO AS TO DELIBRATE ON THE SWIFTEST AND EASIEST MEANS OF GETING THIS CONSIGNMENT CLEARED FROM THE SECURITY FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY.
N/B ,YOU SHOULD NOT ENTAIN ANY FEAR IN THIS TRANSACTION BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THIS FUND IS LEGAL TO MY LATE HUSBAND,OF WHICH THERE IS NO OTHER PERSON THAT HAS RIGHT TO INHERIT MY HUSBAND'S WILL, THAN ME AND MY SON.
I WOULDN'T LIKE TO INVOLVE MYSELF IN
THE HAND OF A PERSON THAT WILL SIT ON THIS FUND AS IT ENTERS INTO HIS CARE.THEREFORE I AM MAKING A COVENANT BETWEEN YOU AND I.IN THE PORTION OF THE BIBLE JER.
CHAPTER 17.VERS 11-15.PLEASE RESEARCH AND READ THIS QUOTATION.IN CASE IF YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO ME YOU CAN CONTACT ME ON THIS NUMBER. 00225-05-68-40-78.
I ALSO NEEDED YOUR PICTURE SO THAT ME AND MY SON EDWIN WILL KNOW WHO WE ARE DEALING WITH.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUR URGENT
REPLY.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON.
Ah! The security company email address is well written. Maybe the insistence of Natalia gave its fruits after all.
Also she is more focused than with Natalia. Let's unfocus her with some erratical thoughts.
WARNING: The religious beliefs of Mr Samuel Vimes and his opinions about the judeochristian god are just to harass Simbi and doesn't really imply a real criticism on the behaviour of Mr Yahweh Elohim Sabaoth during the events told in the Old and New Testaments nor Vimes implies that God was aware of the behaviours of those people who, using His Holy Name, were responsible of the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Jihads and the actual events in Israel/Palestine.
All the religious books and the Sleddic faith are made up, as are the quotes. The typos and the weird expressions are entirely Vimes's responsability.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2003 16:30:37 -0300Oh, my, I never thought I was helping such a lovely widow. Really, you look gorgeous and gifted, and you are younger than I thought. How old are you? And your son Edwin? How is he, by the way?
My phone/fax number appears at the end of my signature.
I'll send a photo of my ugly mug soon (I don't have one available now, I'm sorry)
I didn't quite get the Biblical Reference and, on my side of the street, I rather prefer to leave the judeochristian god outside of my business since I am a pious worshipper of the Sleddic faith and I feel it is against the preceptions of my own religion to operate under the blessing of a false god who only brought war and misery to humankind. As the Zlhëber Khadir says "Those who talk of peace may act on peace" (Zrut'amh'im 77, 12)
Anyway, we are not to discuss religion but to talk about money.
I'll try to call you later, when I get a little bit confortable. You can't imagine how it is here now that people found out I had come back from my trip, everybody is calling, the lines are all busy, this is really hell.
by the way, WHY YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPS?
I don't know there, but on this side of the street it is considered a very unpolite fashion since YOU ARE YELLING ME.
Morevoer, I can't really follow you what you try to tell me, and being this a so serious business I need to know well what I am geting into without being confucius about the true whereabouts of the deal.
On the subject of going to Aficra, let me rest a while (Überwald is so far away and the trip is so tediously long...) and I tell you if I should stay or should I go.
What else must I know about the alledged art pieces your husband said that were inside the trunks?
And please, tell me the name of the security company. I can't address nothing to them if I don't know who they are. Is very unprofessional of me if I do so, or at least that's what we use to do on this side of the street.
Many Thanks
Regards and hughs
SAMUEL VIMES
Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork
113-4190-6848
SIMBI TUREH
Subject: ATTACHED IS THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSITEDear Samuel,
How are you today?
Your mail was received and well read.But I am sorry for writting you before with capital letters,In this side of country,we don't take it anything.
I am 35 years old while Edwin is 16 years old.
I thank you for the complements given to my piture,in the same vain,I am anxiously waiting for your own picture too.
Please I am very sorry for the biblical quotation I gave you,I thought you are a christian,because your name appears like a christian name.Any way let's get the done first.
please Mr.Samuel,Try to call me when you are i bit confortable.I have also taken note of your phone and fax numbers.But the issue is that we are in the refugee camp and we don't normally have time to move about at our own time.therefore never you expect any call from me yet. I beleive that for you to know the reality of all I am telling you is the reason why I told you to make an urgent travel trip to Cote d'Ivoire so that we will see each other face to face,and you will accompany me to the security company where these trunck boxes were deposited and settle the management of the security after which the consignment will be cleared and transfered to the any of the internal banks for onwerd lodgement and transfer into your account in your country.
As i told you in my previous mail,that this trunck boxes contain money,but was sealed and locked in the trunck boxes and registered it with security company as art work/family valueables for security reasons.The reason for registering these boxes as art work is because my husband didn't want the management of the security company to know that this contains money,to avoid seizing or been confiscated.
Therefor,if you want to contact them for confirmation of this deposite,don't ever let them know that the content of these boxes is money so that they will not tamper the boxes.
I attached the certificate of the deposite for you to contact them through the contact addresses that apear on the document.
Please Samuel,contact them and introduce yourself to them as the the foreign business partner of late Chief Johnson tureh,that you want that consingment with them to be cleared from thier custody.When they answer your mail, please don't hesitate to let me know thier response.
You should not entertain any fear in contacting them for I will go there this mornig to let them know that we are now ready to clear the consignment.
I am stopping here till I hear from you next.
Thanks.
Madam simbiat tureh.
Is my impression or Edwin lost a year while being in the hospital? Look at you, it turned out to be that "nemonia" was an anti-aging disease.
SAMUEL VIMES
Dearest SimbiI apologize not to reply you as soon as I wished but yesterday I was so ill I couldn't get out of bed. In fact, I'm still sick, my head is about to explode, my liver feels like a lead zeppelin, my stomach keeps turning itself head over heels, it's a torture.
Something I had eaten in †berwald, for sure. Those pricks doesn't know how to eat, those spicy stews with suspicious looking meatchunks, those humongous sausages, those boiled smelly tongues, argggh, just thinking of them gets me nauseous.
You though I was a christian because my name?
That's a very dangerous way to think, you are prone to make mistakes like this. Imagine if I thought that you are lying to me because your name doesn't sounds portughese as is usual in Guinnea-Bissau (btw, você fala portughese? Você é uma mulher bonita, minha bicha louca)
No, my parents named me Samuel after the libertarian poet and philosopher Samuel Tesler, one of the greatest writers of the XIX and XX centuries in this neck of the woods.
I'm a bit concerned when you tell me you are in a refugee camp and you aren't free to move. Are you kept there against your will?
Anyway, I thank Horeakar I hadn't phoned you yet, because it's obvious the line won't be secure and the guards will be listening, so all the secrecy of the operation will be lost.
Let's keep all in mail!
Also, I suffer from milicophobia, wich is is the irrational fear of uniforms (even boy scouts give me the creeps), so if there are guards in that camp be sure I won't go.
Please, meet me in another place.
You day you attached a certificate of deposite but you didn't (or it didn't arrive with your mail) Another thing that doesn't come too clear for me is if I must contact the securities company or if you only gave me their address to confirm you are telling me the truth.
If it is the second, don't worry, I trust you. You have a trusting face. So Edwin is 16? My older daughter, Sarah, is also 16. Maybe they should meet and, who knows, maybe a romance arises.
Has Edwin a personal email address? Because if he is interested he can write Sarah. Her address is xxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxx.com.ar.
OK, I must leave you now, since I don't feel quite well.
Yours truly
SAMUEL VIMES
PS: I attach a photo of myself
Well, a little orientation and background for the dear readers.
The portughese phrase says "do you speak portughese? You are a prety woman".
I can't properly translate "Minha bicha louca", mostly because I am not quite sure what it means but that it is a way (neither polite but nor unpolite) to address gays who are so gay in Brazil (but I don't know, so correct me)
I invented milicophobia. Milico is a rude way to address military people in Argentina, not offensive now, just rude (military men use it to call themselves when talking casual)
The photo of myself is a photo of Guillermo Francella, a very popular comedian from Argentina (not a good one in my humble opinion). The photo is (I think) from one of his movies, so I don't attach here for copyright sake. He is a dark hair good looking man with a big moustache and a friendly grin. I think Simbi will fall in love with him.
And, as you may imagine, I'll try to open a B-story to this saga, with the teen romance of Edwin and my "daughter" Sarah (shhh, don't tell Simbi, but I will be Sarah too... well, she will be Edwin, so we will be lying each other squared, haw haw haw). I hid Sarah's email account for secrecy sake, but it means "Sarah the rude".
Later that day I wrote to the security company
SAMUEL VIMES
From: Samuel VimesDate: Thu, 19 Jun 2003 18:52:36 -0300
To: as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com
Subject: TRunk Bozes
Dears Sirs
Seasoned Greetings for you.
Let me introduce myself, I'm Mr Samuel Vimes, I am the foreign partner of the late chief Johnson Tureh and her widow, the lovely Simbi, tells me that I'm needed to release the consignment of two trunk boxes Johnson & I have in your custody.
Please tell me which steps to follow so we can come toghether to a satisfying end of this whole operation.
Merci beaucop
Not having any news of Simbi, next day I wrote her, soothing her.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 16:06:25 -0300My dear madam Simbi
Now I'm feeling a little bit better. In fact, yesterday evening I got the spirits to raise and write to the secure company (re-reading your mails I really understood what you want me to do. apologies. the medications got me droozy all day and my inteligence was lower than a dog's)
This is what I wrote:
***********************************************
[you already read this]
*************************************************
I hadn't received any answer yet. Do you think they should be checking who am I?
Now I realize that maybe your husband told them the name of his foreign partner and we screwed up everything. Do you think they will ask me some document that proves that i was Johnson's partner? This could be complicated, dn't you think?
Just in case you freaked out when I mentioned that my Sarah and your Edwin should became pen-pals, I assure you that neither my daughter nor my wife nor anybody knows about our deal. For Sarah, Edwin is just the child of a guinean businesswoman I met while being in Überwald. And my wife Sybill doesn't care a shit about what I do (at least businesswise) while I bring the bacon home.
May the blessings of the Almighty Horeakar, the God with Three Legs, spill over Edwin's and your heads.
And it gave its fruits since Simbi and the Security guy replied
SECURITY GUY
De: security company as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.comAsunto: Letter of Acknowledgement
Attn Mr.Samuel,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your request to the the above manegement,we hereafter asking you whether you are coming down to Cote d'Ivoire to clear this consignment or you would like us to lift it through diplomatic servive to your destination for clearance.On receipt of your next mail we will then tell you the requirements needed,depending on your choice.
We have taken our time to go through the file of Cheif Johnson Tureh,and found out that the Depositor of the trunck boxes is Cheif Johnson Tureh while the name of the beneficiary is Edwin Tureh.To these effect therefore,if you are requesting for the release of this trunck boxes to you,this change of ownership must be effected to your own name.the certificate of deposite of this trnck boxes must undergo the procedure of changing of ownership in this constituted body.
Since our client Madam simbiat Tureh has submitted her request in our office
for change of ownership to the second beneficiary which is Mr.Samuel Vimes,however her request has been granted under section 1020 of Cote d'Ivoire constitution of human right 1993. We are aware that your partner Madam Simbiat tureh must has informed you about the procedures.Our major concern is to render our best services and security to all our clients. The requirement for the change of ownership from the fisrt beneficiary to the second beneficiary is $1.700.00. The documents needed from you before we
pursue the change of ownership from the Cote d'Ivoire High court are as follows.
(1)First and second pages of your international passport or driving license.
(2)Your full name and residential address.
(3)Your phone and fax address.
Our organisation will be satisfied unpon receipt of your mail as regards our
condition of services.
We have branches in europe and overseas,therefore at your choosen destination we will deliver the consignment to you.
yours in service.
Dr.Adama Konan (Director of operations)
Oh, how professional we are! A security company with no name, no address, no phone number! I'll send them the money, how can I not trust them! Section 1020 of Cote d'Ivoire constitution of human right 1993? Wow, I want the weed this guy is smoking!
Ah, Simbi's letter.
SAMUEL VIMES
Fecha: 21 de Junio de 2003 12:50 PMAsunto: I PUT MY TRUST IN YOU
DEAR SAMUEL,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I AM IN RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL COUPLED WITH ONE YOU SENT TO THE SECURITY COMPANY.THE REASON WHY I HAVEN'T REPLIED YOUR MAIL FOR FEW DAYS NOW IS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO COME OUT FROM THE REFUGEE CAMP DUE TO THE TIGHT SECURITY THERE.
I HAVE REPORTED TO SECURITY COMPANY'S DIRECTOR CONCERNING YOUR MAIL TO THEM AND HE PROMISED ME THAT THEY WILL REPLY YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.PLEASE SAMUEL,NEVER YOU FORGET TO LET ME KNOW AS SOON AS THEY REACH YOU.
IN CASE IF YOU ARE SCEPTICAL CONCERNING IF MY HUSBAND USE ANOTHER NAME AS HIS FOREIGN BUSINESS PARTNER,THAT SHOULD NOT BOTHER YOU MUCH FOR I HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THAT.
PLEASE SAMUEL,AS SOON AS THEY REACH YOU,TRY TO CO-OPERATE WITH THEM TO SEE IF THEY WILL BRING THIS CONSIGNMENT TO YOU DESTINATION OR TO ANY OF THIER NEAREST BRANCHES TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR YOU TO GO AND CLEAR THE CONSIGNMENT ON MY BEHALH SINCE YOU COULDN'T COME TO COTE D'IVOIRE.
I THANK GOD FOR YOUR QUICK RECOVERY AS THAT HAS BEEN WORRING ME A LOT.I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE PICTURE OF YOUR DAUGHTER AS EDWIN MY SON MAY BE INTERESTED IN WRITTING HER.
ONCE MORE,I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION SECRET TILL OUR GOAL IS REALIZED.
I KEEP ALL MY TRUST IN YOU AND I HOPE YOU WILL NEVER BETRAY THE TRUST I AM REPOSING ON YOU FOR THIS IS MY ONLY HOPE OF SURVIVAL IN LIFE SINCE THE BREAD WINNER IS NO LONGER ALIVE.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUR URGENT REPLY.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON EDWIN
Well, it seems that the Edwin/Sarah thread has possibilities. The portughese hook wasn't noticed. Pity.
Anyway, my reply, without further delays.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2003 17:16:29 -0300Dear Simbi
Sorry I dind't reply but, you, know, family wanted daddy after so many days abroad so we went to the beach (to the lovely San Carmelo das Pelotas Pretas, when I get the photos developed I'll sendo you one)
I received the reply of the Security Company and it put me in an uncomfortavble possition since thay don't give me the name of the company nor the addreess and I, as partner of Johnson, must know that information. Please, send me that information or I think we will get exposed, since that ignorance could be fatal for the whole deal and the secrecy of it.
Please, send me all your husband knwew about the trunk boxes or we will lose the money, believe me. When I get this information I'll contact again the company. I won't do it before for, you, know, the secret will be exposed and that's something we don't want, do we?
I attach a picture of Sarah for Edwin's pleasure. Please tell him to write my Sarah, she's eager to know him. Ah, please send a picture of him, so she can look at him and put a face to the surely lovely words he will write to my sunshine Sarah.
Best ragerds and may the bright nectar of Horeakar's Third Leg flow onto your head!
The photo of Sarah was taken from a teen-model site at http://mymodels.net/sylvia/syl019.htm. I don't attach here for copyrights reasons, but I tell you, is a regular looking blonde slighty overweight 16 year girl.
San Carmelo das Pelotas Pretas doesn't exist. Is just a little more bait to the portughese hook. It could be translated as Saint Carmel of the Black Balls. Yes, nice.
I won't discuss the nature of Horeakar's Third Leg.
That's for today.
Let's pray to the Almighty Parasankar for Simbi's reply and Edwin contacting Sarah.
And hold tight in your chairs.
ARGENTINA 3, LADS 0 spin off third chapter
Hi Scamoramersthis is the third chapter of the second season of Argentina 3 Lads 0. And it's a juicy chapter,indeed.
Look for yourself, if you don't believe.
Next day, Simbi wrote. Twice. With Eddy's photo. The Sarah hook worked. Wee!
SIMBI TUREH
DEAR SAMUEL,HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I AM VERY HAPPY FOR YOUR EFFORT TOWARDS HELPING ME AND MY SON EDWIN GET THIS FUND CLEARED FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY AFTER WHICH ME AND MY SON WILL COME TO LIVE WITH YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS IN YOUR COUNTRY.
NOW I HAVE WHOLE HEARTEDLY DECIDED TO BE ONE FAMILY WITH YOU SINCE THE RELATIONSHIP HAS A GREAT THING TO DO WITH OUR FUTURE.
I AND EDWIN THANK YOU FOR THE PICTURE OF YOUR DAUGHTER SARAH WHICH YOU SENT TO US.MY SON EDWIN HAS ALREADY FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THE PRETY SARAH,AND WISHING TO BE TOGETHER WITH SARAH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
I ATTACHED THE PICTURE OF MY SON EDWIN FOR YOUR DAUGHTER SARAH.
THE REASON WHY I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSITE IS TO BE SURE THAT I AM CONVEINCED THAT YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON WHO WILL NOT BETRAY ME IN THIS TRANSACTION,BECAUSE SINCE YOU KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACATION IS SOMETHING IN CONNECTED WITH HEAVE HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY,WHICH IS THE HOPE OF MY LIFE AFTER THE DEATH OF MY HUSBAND.
NOW I SENT TO YOU THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSITE,YOU SHOULD GO AHEAD CONTACTING THE SECURITY COMPANY TO FINALISE EVERY ARRANGEMENT WITH THEM FOR THE RELEASE OF THIS CONSIGNMENT.
I WILL ALSO SEND TO YOU LATTER THE AGREEMENT OF THE DEPOSITE WHICH MY HUSBAND ENTERED WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY ON THE FIRST DAY OF THE DEPOSITE.
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE NOW THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER PERSON NOW IF NOT YOU,THEREFORE YOU SHOULD HURRY UP SO AS TO COME TO THE CONCLUSSION OF THIS TRANSACTION BECAUSE YOU KNOW OUR SITUATION IN THE REFUGEE CAMP IN NOT CONDUCIVE.
PLEASE SAMUEL,FOR YOUR OWN INFORMATION ONCE MORE,YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACTION MUST BE STICKLY CONFIDENTIAL TILL OUR DREAM IS FULFILLED.
I EXPECT TO HEAR FROM YOU AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE ALL THESE ATTACHED DOCUMENTS
I ATTACHED THE PICTURE OF MY SON EDWIN FOR YOUR DAUGHTER ONLY.
THE E-MAIL ADDRESS OF EDWIN IS eddy_tureh@yahoo.fr YOU CAN NOW TELL SARAH TO GO AHEAD WRITTING EDWIN FOR WE ARE NOW ONE FAMILY.
I AM STOPPING HERE TILL I HEAR FROM YOU NEXT.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON EDWIN.
[ScamO Note, for all we know, this is some total stranger
they snapped on his way to the senior prom.]
Two hours later
SIMBI TUREH
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 14:39:28 +0200 (CEST)DEAR SAMUEL,
I ONCE AGAIN ATTACHED THIS DOCUMENT FOR YOU TO HAVE NECCESSARY INFORMATION YOU MAY NEED CONCERNING THIS DEPOSITE AS WELL AS MY LATE HUSBAND.
PLEASE NEVER YOU FAIL TO CONTACT THE SECURITY COMPANY AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL,TRY TO CO-OPERATE WITH THEM SO THAT THIS DREAM WILL BE SOONEST REALISED. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDRESTANDINGNESS.
MEET YOU REAL SOON IN COTE D'IVOIRE.
EDWIN MY SON STILL EXTENTING HIS WARM GREETINGS TO YOUR LOVELY MORNING ROSE DAUGHTER KNOWN AS SARAH.
HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON.
Attached is the same picture of the phony document Natalia Sturgeon received.
OK, let's answer.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 12:10:57 -0300Dear Simbi
Thanks for your attachments, I'm sure Sarah will be happy to write Edwin, more now, since she will see what a handsome guy he is.
As soon as she arrives from school she'll contact him
Anyway, I insist in asking you the name of the security company since not even the document you sent says clearly how it is called.
And this is important since they are asking me for money (a huge amount, two thousand dollars, for some shady paperwork) and I want to know who they are. I won't send my money to complete strangers without checking (don't worry, I'll do it as secretly as possible)
So, please, tell me their business name. Is better to prevent than to lament.
HUghs
SAMUEL
If you are keeping track, you'll notice that I raised the ammount asked in $300. Ha ha, if Simbi and the Security Company are two different lads (as I think), Simbi will be thinking his buddy is trying to get a bigger share. Oh, I'm so evil!
Somehow, I managed to shook Simbi since the answer comes promptly.
SIMBI TUREH
From: simbi tureh [simbi_tureh2003@yahoo.fr]Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 20:14:43 +0200 (CEST)
Subject: PLEASE REMOVE EVERY DOUBTING SPIRIT IN THIS REGARD.
DEAR SAMUEL,
HOW ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?
PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN INFORMATION,YOU SHOULD NOT THINK OR TALK ANYTHING THAT IS GOING TO JEOPADISE THIS TRANSACTION,BECAUSE THIS IS THE REASON WHY I SENT THE DOCUMENT TO YOU.YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS SECURITY COMPANY IS A REPABLE PRIVATE ORGANISATION EXISTING HERE IN THE CAPITAL CITY OF ABIDJAN. THE NAME IS ASSISTANCE 2000 ORGANISATION.
THIS IS THE REASON WHY I WANT YOU TO COME IN PERSON HERE IN COTE D'IVOIRE SO THAT EVERY DOUBT WILL CLEARED AND WHEN YOU ARE SPENDING ANY ON THIS TRANSACTION YOU WILL KNOW THE REASON FOR THAT.
MY SON EDWIN EXTENDS HIS GREETING TO YOUR DAUGHTER SARAH,HE WISHES TO RECEIVE HER MAIL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.EDWIN TOLD ME IN CONFIDENCE THAT IF YOU ARE COMING DOWN TO COTE D'IVOIRE THAT HE WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME WITH THE MORNING ROSE SARAH.
YOU SHOULD BEAR IN MIND THAT IMMEDIATELY THIS TRANSACTION IS CONCLUDED YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR FAMILY LIFE WILL AUTHORMATICALLY CHANGE.THEREFORE YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY FEAR OR DOUBT OVER THIS TRANSACTION FOR ALL I AM TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS DEAL IS REAL.JUST TRUST ME SAMUEL.
I AM STOPPING HERE TILL I HEAR FROM YOU NEXT.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON.
"My life with my family life will authormatically change"? What does it means? Is Simbi threatening me and my family? Ouch!
"This deal is real". Yep, and "I like Ike"
Anyway, here's Sarah!
Sarah write in a teen slang of her own, kinda hip-hop-ish with a lot of argentinian & mexican slang and some made up words.
None of the bands exists, as far as I know. You can use them to name yer band, man, juss say da muzik press were yah gotta the inspiration, bro!
SARAH VIMES
From: Sarah Vimes laguarrasarah@xxxDate: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 15:46:46 -0300
To: [eddy_tureh@yahoo.fr]
Subject: Yo, man!
Yo, Eddy!
How's hanging?
My old man told me about yah, man, and I thought, hey ho, let's go and write the bro down there, so here I am, writing at ya, bro.
Yo mamma mussa have told yah tha my name is Sarah but all my carnales call me La Guarra, yah know bro, Hot Lips en espa–ol, cuz I like to eat me a besos with the chabones.
I tell yah I am on grungy alterlatinos bands like Pelado Con Polera, Granos Purulentos, Sobamela and Tripas. I also dig hiphopers like Scum Dubsters, Droogy Poop Dogs, NWBD, Urban Uplifters and Girrlz On Crack, and the punksters of Lesbian Barbies and Backdoor Intruders. Do yah know 'em? What muzik do yah listen, bro?
I also like to go mudskating and moony-jumping with the chichis, but my jovie wants me to do more squeer sports like ski or hockey. What does he think I am, uh? A granny?
Is yer mamma so castrating or she let's yah do whatever yah wanna, bro? I can't see the day I turn 18 and leave da house and no have to respond to such ortiva rompehuevos as my pappa.
But tell me about yah. Yer pix looking good, bro, yah muss have all the chichis with their chuchis in heat, you heartbreaking pimp! Have yah a girlfriend? I have one. A boyfrend, yo fool! What da yah think, that i'ma torti lesbo like the tatus? Pleeze!
Yeah, I gotta boyfrend but i gonna dump him cuz Boris is a fool, he spend more time wresling with his buddy Stanislaw than kissin' and huggin' a hot chick like me, do yah believe that? Ah think he's gay, although the sex is fantastic with him. Are you a virgin, bro? Cuz I'm technically virgin since my holy hole is untouched but, ya know, there are plenty of orifices in da human body.
Hey, don't freak if I get too personal, it's my style, go straight to da meat and tell it like it is, I don't like those hypocrites adults that go saying yah muss live this or that way and speak lady words and behave like a barbiegirl or yah go to hell. Ha! As if!
Wet kisses in yer ear, bro!
SARAH LA GUARRA
Well, Missy, go to your room and let Daddy answer Madame Simbi
SAMUEL VIMES
From: Samuel VimesDate: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 15:59:27 -0300
Thanks for clearing my doubts.
I'll contact the Security Company after writing this.
I don't know if Sarah could go with me to Cote d'Ivoire since she is at school and I don't want her to miss classes. Also, I think it would be better if we wait to see if Eddy & Sarah get along well (maybe they end hating each other and we'll screw all the vacation just for being nosy parents)
I am not sure when I'll be free (ah, business) to fly there but I'll check my agenda. But I warn you I wont go to the camp. As I told you I am afraid of uniform since I was a political prisioner in the 70s and anything with a little resemblance to a militian gives me the creeps.
Well, I'll contact the securities company.
And, as I promised this good poor widow, I contacted the securities company
SAMUEL VIMES
From: Samuel VimesDate: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 16:08:23 -0300
To: as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com
Subject: TRunk Bozes
Dears Sirs
Seasoned Greetings for you.
In my signature you'll find all the pertinent information about me you are asking.
I find the $1.700.00 fee a little bit salty for a paper work. I'm in this business since 1983 and I never paid more than $300 for a paperwork (it was in an operation to release 914 industrial containers from Golovgrad docks and you know how greedy the ruskies are)
Please, I want to read the complete text of the Section 1020 of Cote d'Ivoire constitution of human right 1993. Not because I doubt you, but to know what I'm paying for.
The xerox of my passport I'll send them with the check when we finally cleared out the total ammount I should pay to release the trunk boxes.
My best.
SAMUEL VIMES
Again, in case it is necessary, the city of Golovgrad doesn't exists (it means "Head City" as far as I know Russian). The opinions about the greed of ruskies is just to wink-wink with the lad and doesn't express my opinion about the good (and bad) people on the ex-comunist tzar's land.
The security guys, with their only neuron on automatic pilot answer
SECURITY GUY (as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com)
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2003 09:15:36 +0000To: samuelvimes
Subject: Our Procedures
Attn Mr.Samuel Vimes,
We are in receipt of your mail,and it was well comprehended.
The authority has deceided to process your change of ownership after you must have absolutely complied with the below reqirements:
(1)The code serial number of the lodged two boxes to confirm that you are the one entitled to the two trunck boxes.
(2)We need from you a confirmation of the original beneficairy of this deposite as well as the depositor.
(3)Your clear identification,which involves your full name,address,first and second pages of your international passport.
All this requirements must be met with the official fee of the $1.700.00 before procession of the exercise.This is our system of operation.
We also needed to hear from you if you wish to be here in person or you needed diplomatic delivery of the boxes to your door step or you wish to visit any of our correspondent offices in Europe or overseas.
We highly apologise for any inconvinience this might cause you as we can't go contrary to our rules and regulations guiding the body.All this measures are to protect the interest/security of our clients with their counterparts.
Yours is service.
Dr.Adama Konan. (Director of Operations)
Adama. My mail wasn't well comprehended or you won't be answering this. Anyway, I won't reply them since this mail from Simbi makes me change my plans.
SIMBI TUREH
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2003 15:05:37 +0200 (CEST)Subject: I NEED YOUR ATTENTION IN PERSON PLEASE.
DEAR SAMUEL,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I HAVE TAKEN NOTE OF YOUR MAIL AND ALL WERE WELL UNDERSTOOD.
I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE DAY YOU ARE COMING HERE AS EVERYTHING DESERVES YOUR PERSONAL ATTENTION HERE.THE REASON WHY I WANT YOU TO COME IS TO CLEAR EVERY DOUBT IN YOU.
I WENT TO THE SECURITY COMPANY THIS MORNIG AND THEY TOLD ME THAT YOU SENT MAIL TO THEM ASKING THEM ONCE USELESS QUESTION OR THE OTHER.
PLEASE PLEASE SAMUEL,I BEG YOU WITH THE NAME OF YOUR GOD NOT TO CREAT THE AWARENESS OF THE CONTENT OF THIS THESE TRUNCK BOXES,BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT I WILL BE ALIFE IF I LOOSE THIS FUND.MY ONLY PAPPYNESS IS THAT THE KEY OF THE BOXES ARE WITH ME.PLEASE STOP ASKING THEM ANY QUESTION THAT MIGHT MAKE THEM THINK OTHER WISE.JUST GO AHEAD AND OTHER THEM TO DO CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP FOR YOU TO HAVE THE ACCESS TO THIS TRUNCK BOXES FIRST.
I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU WHEN YOU ARE COMING DOWN TO COTE D'IVIORE.YOU ALSO HAVE TO KEEP THE MANAGEMENT OF THE SECURITY COMPANY WHEN YOU ARE COMING TO ENABLE THEM CREAT TIME FOR YOU AS THEY ARE ALWAYS VERY BUSSY IN THEIR OFFICE.
EDWIN TOLD ME THAT HE HAS WRITTEN YOUR MORNING ROSE DAUGHTER SARAH.
CONCERNING YOUR COMING,AS YOU SAID THAT YOU ARE NOT COMING TO THE REFUGEE CAMP,I HAVE ALREADY STATED MAKING PLAN WITH THE DIRECTOR OF THE COMPANY CONCERNING WHERE YOU ARE GOING TO LODGE WHEN COME.THEREFORE DON'T WORRY ABOUT COMING TO THE CAMP SINCE YOU ARE NOT IN GOOD TERM WITH THE UNIFORM MEN. PLEASE CONTACT THE SECURITY COMPANY DIRECTOR FOR HIM TO MAKE A RESERVATION FOR YOU EITHER HOTEL OR VILLA. PLEASE SAMUEL,WHILE THIS KEEPS ON DELAYING,IT WILL INVOLVE A LOT OF THINGS THEREFORE HURRY UP AND COME DOWN FOR EARLIER THE BEST.
I HONESTLY DREAM FOR YOUR COMING.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS IN ATICIPATION OF YOUR CO-OPERATION.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH.
Oh the lad under the Simbi mask is getting nervous and is losing the little english he knows. Let's put him/her more nervous
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2003 16:30:07 -0300Dear Simbi
Just to be clear with you, I DIDN'T ASK THE SECURITY COMPANY NO USELESS QUESTION. Do you think is an useless question to ask them for more information about a certain obscure section of some far-fetched legal code of Cote d'Ivoire according to what we must pay them $2.000 out of the blue? Would you pay somebody you don't know $2.000 just because they say so?
You are an inteligent criterious woman, see for yourself what I sent them
******************************************
[you already read this. Sort of, since I changed the ammount
and deleted the paragraph about the passport]
********************************************
Do you think I asked a USELESS question? No! I'm just protecting OUR money!
Simbi, to be honest, I don't trust these people. I think they are scammers trying to suck money out of our pockets claiming that this or that document should be paid since the Section X of the Y Legal Regulation states that.
And did these crooks told me what that legal statute says? No, nothing at all, they just ask me for money.
And they ask me for this >(1)The code serial number of the lodged two boxes to confirm that you are >the one entitled to the two trunck boxes.
>(2)We need from you a confirmation of the original beneficairy of this >deposite as well as the depositor.
>(3)Your clear identification,which involves your full name,address,first and >second pages of your international passport.
Well, you must have the code serial number of the trunks and the confirmation of the original beneficiary (your husband). The third item they already have (I sent them all this), I don't know why they keep asking that. Are they morons?
Since you seem to be in better terms with them and you can reach them personally I beg you to take care of any operation with them because they seem not to understand me.
Please, I beg you, since they get me the nerves and I don't respond if they keep being so sloppy and unprofessional.
Tell them they won't see a dime from me if they don't send me the entire text of that Section 1020.
As you can imagine, I won't go to Cote d'Ivoire if these people keep acting like wicked fools. The way they act seems that they think I am a wealthy foreigner who they can kidnap and ask for ramsom. Well, pity them, since I know Kung Fu (11th Dan), Thai Kwon Do (3rd Sensei) and Shen Long (Black Dragon of the East), if they try to put a finger on me they will be crying for their mamies.
So, to avoid an incident with foreign police for having whacked some local crooks, ask those mugus at the security company to apologize and give me what I ask.
Sorry if I get a little bit upset, but they really piss me off.
On happier accounts, you told me yesterday you want to come to live in my country. Nothing would make me happier.
It happens I have a friend at the Inmigration Offices here, if you want I ask him to help you to get quickly here, skipping all that odious paperworks and visa stuff. Of course I won't tell him about about operation, he hasn't no need to know that, only that a poor widow and his teen son want to get out of Africa and come here.
Please tell me if you are interested. I think he can even help you to become fully legal citizens.
The best for you and Edwin
Oopsy, mamacita! Vimes is no fool, Simbi, you must work for me, lad, go tell your buddys to get new batteries for their neurons and get smart.
Meanwhile, the young couple have some words
EDWIN TUREH (eddy_tureh@yahoo.fr)
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2003 12:57:26 +0200 (CEST)To: Sarah Vimes laguarrasarah@xxx
Subject: I REALLY LOVE YOU BABY!!!
Darling Sarah,
How do you feel today,Honestly speaking since I saw you in the picture my senses ran out of control baby.What is your age baby?Though age is nothing only but number.I am now 17 years old,I was once a student but due to the political situation of this country.For the moment now I am not in my country.
Baby,I want to come to finish up my education carrier in your country if our parents will plan that me.I know that you are going welcome me if we arrive. You told me that you have a boy friend ,but you should know that I am a crazy and jelous lover.
I will need another picture of yours as I am going to send to you my own picture again and that of my beloved mother.Could you be delighted enough to send me your mother's picture?because since I am entering into good relationship with you it will effect our entire family members.
Sweet Baby, you should not bother much for I know that we are going to meet face to face very soon if the almighty permits.
I thank you for your open mindedness and I promise you to love you with all my heart.
I am stopping here baby.
kiss and hug from your future wife.
Edwin tureh.
Oh, my! Oh, my! I never thought he would bite so quickly the hook. And he wants to be my wife! This will get very kinky, indeed.
He also sent Simbi's and his pictures in separate mails, the same Samuel received. In one he writes THIS IS THE PICTURE OF MY MOTHER and in the other THIS IS YOUR HONEY.
Sarah throws him a bucket of cold water but leaves the door open.
SARAH VIMES
Hey, ho, yo man!Aren't yah going too fast, bombom?
Ok, yah're cool looking good fellah but hold on yer horses, droolydude!
I need some romancing before giving it up the seashell, y' know?
Y'can justa come ponching yer big black african chest yelling "Me Wife You Husband!" and expect I will follow.
Dude, I don't know how's there in the jungle but here girlz expect to be treated more softly and caressy. I yah wanna have me send me flowers, chocolates, gifts, no macho bravados and chuleries, underztand y'dude?
And I warn yah, that my future ex-boyfriend Boris is a professional wresler and he can beat out the crap outta yah. The other day he broke the legs of a nerd who put his eye on me.
Seduce me and I'll drop him, since I'm tired of malevos who only think wid they muscles and the lil' gut betwen their legs.
Be smart and y'll have me. Be a fool and y'll end spanking yer monkey.
I'm 16, didn't yo mamma told ya? No smart the old lady, uh?
btw, Why do ya want a pix from my mamma? What are yah, a kind of pervert that want to hit on mamma and daughter?
Adults suck, Edwin, let's leave them outside our relationship.
I attach another pix from me, a hotter one, hope yah like it.
Send me a hotter one from yah, barechested or so, so I can show it to my girlz of the hood. I'm already touching my cachuflette just to think of you on the nude.
Ah, here y'are! That's how y'can prove yer love!
I want you to tatoo my name on yer chest and send me the pix. When I see the big heart with SARAH LA GUARRA on in yer big black chest I promise I be yours and nothing but yours forever and ever till dusk to dawn.
Meanwhile, be a man and leave yer weenie alone
SARAH LA GUARRA
xxxoooxxx
The picture of Sarah is another picture from the same site. Not so hot as she says, just a little bit sensual. A regular slightly overweight british girl in a blouse and low cut pants lying on the floor and looking to the cammera
Will Edwin show that his love is for real and tatoo the name of Sarah in his chest?
And will Simbi argument with Adama on Samuel's behalf?
Stay tuned
SAMUEL AND SARAH VIMES
SIMBI TUREH
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 11:09:19 +0200 (CEST)Subject: PLEASE MR.SAMUEL,DON'T EXPOSE ME.
DEAR SAMUEL,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I HAVE TAKEN NOTE OF YOUR MAIL.I HAVE GONE THROUHG THE LETTER YOU SENT TO THE SECURITY COMPANY,I THINK NOTHING IS SO MUCH ABOUT IT.BUT YOU ONLY HAVE TO BEAR WITH THEM AFTER ALL THEY ARE ALL BLACKS.BUT WHAT IS OUR CONCERN THERE IS FOR THEM TO RELEASE THIS CONSIGNMENT TO US,EVEN IF THEY WILL REMAIN IN THIER IGNORANCE FOREVER,THAT IS THERE OWN BUSINESS.
PLEASE SAMUEL,FOR OUR GOODNESS SAKE,JUST FORGET THIER OFFICIALTIES,JUST GO STRAIGHT TO THE MATTER WITH THEM AND REACH COMPROMISE SO THAT THEY WILL OUR CONSIGNMENT FOR US.I THINK THIS IS OUR ONLY CONCERN WITH THEM.ISN'T IT??
PLEASE SAMUEL,YOU HAVE TO REASON WITH ME,IT DOES NOT NECCESSARILY MEANS THAT I AM SUPPORTING THEM,BUT JUST MELLOW DOWN WITH THEM SO THAT OUR CONSIGNMENT WILL BE RELEASED FOR US.
I THINK THAT MY LATE HUSBAND WAS SO FOOLISH ENOUGH TO HAVE DEPOSITED SUCH TREASURE WITH THEM,EITHER HE KNEW THEM BEFORE OR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW THEY OPRERATE MUST HAVE INTRODUCED HIM TO THEM.THEREFORE I PLEAD YOUR UNDERSTANDINESS WITH THEM SO THAT OUR DREAM WILL BE REALISED WITH OUT ANY HITCH.
CONCERNING COMING TO YOUR COUNTRY,YOU ARE QUIT AWARE THAT I WISH TO YOUR COUNTRY WITH MY SON EDWIN,BUT WE CAN NOT MAKE THIS MOVEMENT LEAVING OUR ONLY HOPE BEHING.THEREFORE I PREFER THAT YOU SETTLE WITH THE SECURITY AT ONCE SO THAT ALL OF US WILL BE LEAVING FOR YOUR COUNTRY AT THE SAME TIME.
SAMUEL,FOR YOU TO BE SURE OF WHAT I A HEVE BEEN TELLING YOU,I WANT YOU TO COME AND WITHNESS THE TRUTH.THE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT IT IS QUIT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO LEAVE THIS ABIDJAN WITHOUT THIS CONSINGMENT LEAVING WITH ME.RATHER I MAY PREFER THAT YOU WILL DO THE DOCUMENTS FOR ONLY MY SON EDWIN FOR HIM TO COME TO YOUR COUNTRY,AND I WILL REMAIN HERE TO SEE THE END OF IT ALL.IF YOU MAY BE BOLD ENOUGH TO DROP ME AT THIS POINTING TIME OR CRITICISE ME IN THIS REGARD,I PRAY YOU TO NOTIFY ME ON TIME SO THAT I WILL NOW LOOK FOR ANOTHER WAY OUT.I KNOW YOU IT MAY BE DIFFICULT FOR ME TO GET ANOTHER GOOD PERSON LIKE YOU,BUT BY THE SPECIAL GRACE OF GOD,I KNOW WILL GET ANOTHER GOOD MAN ONLY TIME IT WILL TAKE ME.
PLEASE SAMUEL,IN A NUT SHELL,I WOULDN'T LIKE YOU TO CONTACT THEM AGAIN AND START ASKING THEM THAT QUESTION AGAIN,SINCE OUR ONLY CONCERN WITH THEM IS THE RELEASE OF OUR CONSIGNMENT.
PLEASE SAMUEL,YOU SHOULDN'T TRY TO CREAT ANY AWARENESS TO THE SECURITY COMPANY SO THAT THEY WILL NOT GO AS FAR AS BREAKING INTO THIS BOXES TO DISCOVER THE CONTENTS.
I AM STOPPING HERE TILL I HEAR FROM YOU NEXT.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH
Well, you won't calm me with this, Simbi. Please, lady, read carefully what I write! But, since I don't want to lose Simbi, I'll show my good disposition towards her and help the Turehs come to Ankh Morpork.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 14:23:58 -0300 Dear SimbiI'm in receipt of your mail and I find you didn't take any note of mine.
It seems you don't understand me.
I won't pay for something if they don't tell me what this "something" is.
What would you tell me if I ask you for $2.000 in concept of muxofructive endrogations? That I must explain you what "muxofructive endrogations" is!
And I don't understand you when you write "you only have to bear with them after all they are all blacks"? What do you imply? That black people are inferior? Are you a racist, Simbi?
But well, just for you, I promise to contact them and be as gentle as possible. They are asking me about a code number? I don't know this code number. PLEASE SEND IT TO ME!!!
My proposal to ease you the entrance to our country didn't meant you'll have to come here right now! Of course I know you must be there till the trunk releasing is over and the bounty is split between us. I just wanted you to save time. But if you don't want to be a citizen of this glorious nation, is up to you.
Anyway, I DISCREETLY asked my friend and he told me what he needs to get your fully working papers.
If you are interested please send me the following information about you and Edwin:
1) Full Name
2) Country of origin
3) Age
4) Gender
5) Weight
6) Height
7) Known diseases
8) Religion
9) Sex
10) Languages spoken
11) ID Number
12) NABO account
13) Health Care System
14) Political Beliefs
Also you must send me a copy of your passports, a full body picture and a signed A4 white sheet (it's for the pledge of allegiance, but we fill it for you)
I hope I have been useful
May the grace of Ravishankar the Gracious and the nectar of Horeakar spill over your heart!
--
SAMUEL VIMES
Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork
113-4190-6848
NABO stands for nothing, but the word "nabo" is used in Argie slang, aside from its normal meaning of "bulb", to mean "dork" or something like that. Also notice the items 4 and 9. Yeah. Meanwhile, Edwin and Sarah had their affairs going on:
EDWIN TUREH (eddy_tureh@yahoo.fr)
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 12:54:46 +0200 (CEST)To: Sarah Vimes
Subject: SOUL TO SOUL
Darling Sarah,
How is your day?Throught the night I only thought of coming to see you alive,due to your beauty, in fact it still wonders me whether you are a human bein or angel.
I don't know how this should come to reality as I have discussed with my beloved mother for you to come to visit me here in Abidjan so that we can have official marriage.But my problem which your Dady knows,though I am not supposed to tell you this only because of your beauty has blind my eyes.I keep it in the hand of my mother and your father.Let me me tell you Baby,if you are to joke with morning glory love which I have already established with you,you better tell me at this earlier time.For your own information,my mother has written to your father for me to come to your country for my life stay,but we haven't heard from your Daddy.I know with your position sinces your father loves you,you will persuade him to assist us in areas we are in difficulties so that we could acheive our dream.
You should beleive me Babby,I am a cool and calculated Guy who runs crazy with beautiful chaps like you.
Please baby, I would like to hear your blessed voice,Could you call me on my mother's line so that we will have some phone romance.00225-05-68-40-78 Baby,please forgive me for not attaching my crezy picture to this write up for the present situation couldn't allow me to do that now,but i will do that latter please.
please darling,what is exactly the name of your country?and which city or village you are from.could be accept coming here for our marriage ceremony???
I leave you with tears of love baby,till I hear from you next.
Peace unto you.
Love and a very big hug from the specail one for you.
yours lover boy eddy.
Something always wonders me about the lads is how easy they start talking about love and marriage when you let a little brief hint of female interest show up. What do they think? That women are so needy that will marry the first guy that proposes? Do they feel themselves so irresistible? Or are they so desperated to get laid that will marry anybody with a proper anatomy? Really, it's an interesting aspects of ladity, anthropologist's material. Really. Anyway, back to our story. Sarah, of course, doesn't want to get married. Not now, not ever.
SARAH VIMES
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 13:12:02 -0300Subject: Calm down!
Whoa, Nelly!
Hold on a minute, pal! Whatchayatalkin' Willis?
What's that stuff about official marriage?????
I won't marry yah, no siree, i wont marry no one! No U no other guy. No, bro, I WONT MARRY!!!!
I don't believe in da institution, bro. Marriage is 4 square people, I am a freeluvving girrl, I won't knot any institutional ties.
Do yah wanna goof around with me? Ok
Do yah wanna bang me? OK
Do yah wanna luv me in da wild? OK
DO yah wanna muve wid me and live toghether and screw like pigs? OK
But I'm not on such a represive institution like marriage.
We R young, bro, we must rebel against the adult world!
And as I said: I WANNA ROMANCE!!!!
I WANNA BE SEDUCED!!!!
I WANNA GET GIFTS!!!!
I WANNA FLOWERS!!!
And I wont call yah. U R the Man, Carlitos, U R the 1 to pickup the phone and ring mah bells. Call me. My personal number is 234-80-37201312, give me a taste of yer mellow voice, talk me dirty, say da words of luv and romance, prove me U R the Romeo 4 my Juliet, make my chucha wet!
I'm no joking wiz yah. Y'look like a cool dude, but we muzt know each other better be4 talkin' 'bout luv.
Yah never told me which muzik yah like. How can I luv a dude if I no know what muzik he likes?
What books yah read? Movies? Sports?
Whatchayahdo in yer free time, dude?
R U a virgin, Edwin? R U puto? R U experienzd in SEX?
Underztood, bro?
And leave parents outside!
Old people must die!
How can I marry a guy who keeps running under mammy skirts? U R no man, U R pendejo llorón!
And I don wanna get started talking about what a fascist pig my old man is!
He thinks I am baby gurlie, but I am REAL slut wid NEEDS!
One of these days I'll show him, y'll see!
I luv to write yah, Edwin, but get down from da horse from a minute, u r not the big macho of da jungle u think u r (unless u send a nude pix to prove me wrong!)
Get a cold shower, balinardo!
Your apassionated Hot Lips
SARAH LA GUARRA
PS: I'm not an angel. I am a demon!!!!
Sarah's phone is (or could be, I don't remember now) another lad's number. Yes, I want to spoil everything. Later, she writes again, just in case Edwin got mad.
SARAH VIMES
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 14:36:24 -0300Subject: FUNNY THING
Yo, man!
Y'wont believe what have just happened to me!
Y'll pee yer pants laffing!
Happens I was watchin' da tube when dat slut Alisha came an' told me dat Judy had met Tamara at da mall an' dat fox told her dat Bibi's man went to da other side of the street an' got laid wid a dude dress like a lady. Can yah believe it!
He thought he gonna get a piece of ass and was HIS ass the piece the other dude got!
Isn't it hilarious!
SARAH LA GUARRAH
PS: Don't get mad about me. I gonna break with dat tocaculos of Boris just to be free 4U!
PS2: Send me a sexier pix from U. I cant touch my chucha just 4 looking at U near a limo!
Back to the adults.
SIMBI TUREH
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 2003 12:06:41 +0200 (CEST)To: Samuel Vimes
Subject: THESE ARE THE INFORMATIONS YOU NEEDED
DEAR SAMUEL,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I HAVE TAKEN NOTE OF YOUR MAIL.I AM VERY SORRY TO HEAR FROM YOU THAT I AM SUPPORTING THE SECURITY COMPANY,NOT REALLY THAT I AM SUPPORTING THEM ONLY THAT I WANT A SITUATION WHER BY I WILL COLLECT MY CONSIGNMENT WITH OUT ANY PROBLEM.IF EVER I HAVE GONE CONTRARY AGAINST YOUR WISH,PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THAT.
BUT BEAR WITH ME THAT A BEGGER HAS NO CHOICE.I KNOW IT IS BECAUSE OF YOUR DISTANCE FROM ME MADE YOU SOMETIMES YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT TO BELEIVE ME,BUT I KNOW AS TIME GOES ON YOU WILL BE CONFIDENCE OF ME.TO BE SINCERLY SPEAKING I HAVE BEEN PRAYING OVER THIS TRANSACTION FOR YOUR GOD OR THAT OF MY OWN WILL PUT HAND TOGETHER AND LEAD US FROM THE BEGINING OF THIS TRANSACTION TO THE END TILL WE ACHEIVE OUR JOY.
COMING TO THE INFORMATION YOU NEEDED ABOUT EDWIN,WE ARE OPERATING BY UNITED NATION REFUGEE CARD,AS A RESULT OF OUR POSITION HERE IN COTE D'IVOIRE AS REFUGEES.
PLEASE SAMUEL,IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN ARRANGE THE DOCUMENTS FROM THERE?BECAUSE AS WE ARE RUNNING FOR OUR DEAR LIVES,WE CAME OUT FROM OUR COUNTRY UNDER THE UNITED RESCUE TEAM.CONCERNING THE PASSPORT ISSUE,WE CAN OBTAIN THE PASSPORT IF WE ARE IN NEED OF THAT WITH A LAWYER'S CONNECTION HERE.THAT WAS THE REASON WHY I WANT YOU TO DO WHATEVER YOU COULD TO SEE THAT THIS FUND COMES OUT FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY SO THAT WE CAN LAY HANDS ON THAT MONEY AND SOLVE SOME OF OUR PROBLEMS.
I AM GIVING YOU EVERY CONFIDENCE NOT TO HAVE ANY FEAR TOWARDS ASSISTING ME FOR WHATEVER YOU SPEND IN THIS TRANSACTION MUST NEVER BE A LOST TO YOU. NOW I AM ENTERING INTO CONVENAT WITH YOU WITH THE NAME OF THE GOD OF THREE LEGS WHICH YOU SERVE,BECAUSE THE WAY YOU MENTION THAT YOUR GOD REALLY SHOWS ME THAT HE IS A LIVING GOD.
PLEASE SAMUEL,YOU SHOULDN'T GO INTO ANY ARGUEMENT WITH SECURITY COMPANY,TRY TO SEND TO THEM THOSE PARTICULARS THEY NEED FROM YOU AND GO AHEAD NEGOTIATE WITH THEM THE DAY YOU WILL BE HEAR.
THE ONLY CONFIDENCE OF WHAT I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU IS THAT WHEN YOU COME YOU WILL SEE EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU.
I STATE FOR YOU THE SERIAL CODE/SECURITY CODE (NWTS/AR.I/K.IF/0234/0)
WHILE THE DEPOSITE CODE IS (MMX1809BS)
1) Full Name EDWIN TUREH
2) Country of origin GUINEA BISSAU
3) Age 17 YEARS BY OCTOBER
4) Gender MALE
5) Weight 51KLS
6) Height 5ft 6
7) Known diseases NON
8) Religion CHRISTIANITY
9) Sex MALE
10) Languages spoken ENGLISH AND FRENCH
11) ID Number CI/2000/NG/2641
12) NABO account NONE
13) Health Care System MEDICAL
14) Political Beliefs REFUGEE.
PLEASE SAMUEL,THESE ARE THOSE INFORMATIONS YOU MAY NEED ABOUT EDWIN.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUR URGENT REPLY.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON.
Well, dear ScamoReaders, we have important information about Edwin Tureh.
The ID number could be useful to some antiScammer police, don't you think?
But I like best to know his political beliefs are Refugee and that his
Health Care System is Medical (what else could be? Witch doctor? Medicine
Man? Oh boy, this Simbi has something against her own kind!)
Also I notice that Edwin doesn't speak Portughese, which is weird from
somebody born in Guinea Bissau, but everything's weird in Ladland.
Samuel lowers the steam and speaks friendly to Simbi
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 2003 15:32:09 -0300Simbi
I am in reception of your mail and full of blessings for you finally came to your senses.
Let me just make it clear for you: I never thought you were supporting those guys at the seccurity company, au contraire, I always thought of you as the victim of a gang of crooks who want to suck you dry from the money your husband earned sweating his backbones and risking his health to the point he died and left you in such a miserable condition.
Was cancer what killed him? I can't remember right now. Is a pity you hadn't contacted me when he was still alive for I could have helped him to be treated by the best doctors money can buy.
On happier thoughts, Sarah told me she is very happy to be corresponding with Edwin, she waits his mails with a lot of excitement and joy. Tell Edwin I thank him a lot to bring back the smile to my little baby's cheeks (I would write him to his personal address but I don't want to be seen as an intrusive parent, you know, teens... they are ticking time bombs)
I'm passing Edwin's data to my friend. Won't you send yours? It doesn't matter you won't be abble to come here before the opperation is completed, it's better to win time rather than sit waiting.
Well, I'm going to write righ tnow to the securities company
Bye now
--
SAMUEL VIMES
Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork
113-4190-6848
And to show his will to go on with the business, Samuel writes to the security company, although being a little bit sarcastic:
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 2003 15:48:36 -0300To: security company [as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com]
Subject: Re: Our Procedures
Attn. Mr Adama Knonan
I spoke with my partner Mrs Simbi Tureh and she explained me everything you hadn't explained me about the release of the trcnk boxes. Thanks for all.
Here is the information you ask me
SERIAL CODE/SECURITY CODE (NWTS/AR.I/K.IF/0234/0)
DEPOSITE CODE IS (MMX1809BS)
My name, as you already must know is SAMUEL VIMES
My address, as also you already must know is 13 Pseudopolis Yard (UM7163GIL) St Bartholomew
My phone & fax number, as you also already must know is 113-4190-6848
The pages from my passport have been xeroxed and are on their way to your address at Abidjain.
The fee will be transfered to the bank of your choice. Just give me the name and all the pertinent data for this opeartion to come to an end.
Nice to having met you.
--
SAMUEL VIMES
Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork
113-4190-6848
Well, finally I had to put Ankh Morpork on a earth-sounding country. I guess St Bartholomew must be in the Caribean, sounds like that. The security guy doens't got the sarcasm. He is too busy trying to scam me.
SECURITY GUY (as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com)
Fecha: S‡bado 28 de Junio de 2003 6:50 AMAsunto: CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP
Attn Mr.Samuel Vimes?
We appreciate your understandinness as well promise to accord you the best of our service.
The provission of those reqested information from you has proven your legitimacy over these trunck boxes which belongs to late Cheif Johnson tureh.
We however appeal to you not to pick an offence with us for having demanded your particulars,That's for the interest of our clients and our interity. We wish to know your choice,invariably some of our clients normally present them selves to the management before thier consignments are released to them,while others place a demand on diplomatic delivery service.What is your wish in this quest.
If you wish to be here present,you have to give us prior information so that you will booked in among our visitors schedule for next week.
Your partner,Madam Simbiat tureh visited our office yesterday demanding for our assistance for hotel reservation on your behalf.Are you aware of this or not?
For early information,we do have some villa for rentage.Whichever is your choice will be provided to you accordinly.
Haven been on receipt of your credentials we therefore will process your change of ownership exercise by tuesday next week.On confirmation of the payment,the company's lawyer will go for obtainance of those documents like.Death certificate of Chief Johnson tureh,this wil be obtained from the Federal high court of Abidjan.An affidavit of trust will be sweared by Master Edwin Tureh at the Magistrate court in company of our lawyer.
You should endeavoure to send this money through Western Unoin Money transfer for easy reception.If this should be paid throuhg bank account, it will delay the sevice.
The money will be remitted with the name of our secretary.Mrs Amina Hassan.Every information of the transfer will bear Cote d'Ivoire.While the information will forwarded to us throuhg fax message or e-mail.
Yours in service.
Dr.Adama konan. (Director of operations.)
Oh, I'll have a villa waiting for me... Tempting! What Samuel wants to do it his way.
SAMUEL VIMES
Attn. Mr KonanWell, I'm glad you finally came to your senses.
I told Mrs Tureh that I have a very tight business agenda here and I'm not quite sure when I'll have enough free time to travel to Cote d'Ivoire.
Will all this operation take too long? Because I'll be in Tunizia in a Guild Convention from July 7 to 10 and I found out that in July 9 I have 7 dead hours I could use to fly to Cote d'Ivoire and back. My guess is that I can manage to be at the door of your office at 2 PM and stay there for a three hour period.
If this fits to you, it pits to me.
I'll send the payment by WU next monday. All details will be informed then.
May the gracious nectar of Mighty Horeakar's Third Leg spill all over your heads and give you the blessing of a long productive life.
Yours truly
SAMUEL VIMES
July 9 is Argentina's Independence Day. Easy date to remember and to not make mistakes in following posts. Meanwhile, Sarah writes Edwin with good news for him:
SARAH VIMES
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 2003 16:31:35 -0300Subject: Free at last
Yo, Eddy, my poppin' teletubbin' luvverboy!
Finally I got da nerves and went to dump my ex-boyfriend, just to find'im sucking da tonsils of dat cheerleadin' sluta Agnes, can y'believe da guy, bro?
So, I'm free at last to luv as i luv to luv. I'm hot 4 a man who can write me luv poems and serenade me under a red blood moon. Are you that guy, Eddy, are you that guy?
I rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreally need a luv poem, Eddy!
Write one for me and be my wife!!!
SARAH LA GUARRA
PS: I'm about to take a dirty pix of myself. Be kind with me and y'll get it!
Eddy takes his time to reply. It seems he had been sick. And gets a little demanding:
EDWIN TUREH (eddy_tureh@yahoo.fr)
Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2003 11:33:53 +0200 (CEST)To: Sarah Vimes
Subject: Tears of love
Hii Baby,
i know that you may be wondering why I have never written you for long time.i have small fever since friday,but i thank God i am now getting better.babby,could you imagine that i usually catch cold when i see your picture.but i am very confussed with what you wrote to me in your last mail,does it means you are pulling my leggs or you are making mockry of me.please my morning rose i am not in such mood with you,i really wanna be serious with you baby because i have discussed the matter with my mummy on what you wrote to me,but she only adviced me that it is always like that.just answer all my questions or are you afried of marring a black? for the picture you requested from me i would have done that since but the reason is because my position could not allow me to do that for the moment,but bear with me that the condition is not on my favour which i know your father must have explained better to you.
as soon as time allows me you will see my pictures of different types.
or do you care to have my old pictures?Oh I laugh, i know you are in need of sexy pitures but all this is for the interest of our secret.
you promised to send some to me,can i have them now?
i was expecting to hear from on phone,i know i am at fault but count it nothing for me.i will call you when time permits.
i am crying to see you soon.
i love you with all my heart.
hug and kiss from eddy.
Evidently, there is a culture clash between these kids. Edwin, isn't cool to tell a girl you catch colds when looking at her picture. And not, dude, Sarah isn't AFRIED OF MARRING A BLACK, whatever that means. Oh I laugh when I read Edwin's messages.
SARAH VIMES
Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2003 15:54:21 -0300To: edwin tureh
Subject: Luv me tender
Yo, Edweenator!
U get cold with my pixes? Man, I wanna make ya HOT!
I no making mockry of ya, bro, how can I? Ya're the 1 who's pulling my legs, wid all dis sarta of pelotucedes about marriage and such.
Wake up, baby, we barely know each other!
U wanna marry me?
Tell me what music ya like!
Tell me yer favourite sports!
Tell me something about ya!
All I know about ya is dat ya're very attached 2 yer mamma. Are you lovers or something? (i'm kiddin', but, bro, cut da umbilical cord!)
To get the heart of a lady ya must be ROMANTIC, no a fool bangin' his chest an' shouting MARRY ME WOMAN COS IM THE MAN to the first chichi ya ran into!
As the XIX century poet Byron Debulbe sed "A woman's heart is like a heavy defended fortress. You can't conquer it at the first attack or you will end dazed, confused, beaten, battered and with a broken heart. To conquer that inexpugnable fortress you must be subtle as the wind of May, conspicuous like the rain of August, ubiquous as the sempiternal fox, sweet talking like the snake of Paradise."
Write poems, send flowers, tell nice words, luv me tender, luv me sweet
I no afried nor afraid of marrying a black or a white or a yellow or a red or a blue. I JUST DONT WANNA GET MARRIED! Is marriage what I am against! I WANNA LIVE AS COUPLE, FREE LUV, NO STRINGS ATTACHED
IS that SO hard TO understanD????????????
Didya wanna luv me? Then luv me the way I wanna. Sweet, slow, smooth, dirty, scritty, smoochy, mellow, tender. AND FREE OF SOCIETY TRAPS!
SARAH LA GUARRA
PS: Send me an old pix of ya, 1 better than de 1 of da car, a portrait so I can see clearly yer beuty face, si?
Of course, Byron Debulbe doesn't exists (aside from being "Byron the Bulb"
at Thomas Pynchon's "Gravity's Rainbow") and his poem is all made up. I hope
Edwin understands it and begins to behave like a man wanting to win a
gurlie's heart. Well, to be honest, I doubt anybody understands it since
it's a lot of crap but you know what I mean.
But now is time to get back to the main story.
SECURITY GUY (as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com)
Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2003 14:09:08 +0000Subject: Awaiting to hear from you
Attn Mr.Samuel Vimes,
Haven gone through your latest mail,We hereby decided to honor your coming and make every arrangement as it may suit your program.
We hereafter appeal to you to comply with the recomended conditions for the earliest procession of the change ownerownership to your favour,as this will accord you the legal recorgnition to the above management.
It is also very partinent to remind you once again of your international passport photo copy plus your country's name and residence address.
We solicite your good coperation in this exercise.
yours in service(Dr.Adama Konan)
Director of operations.
Nice use of legal anti-language, buddy. It would have been nice if you also said something interesting in it, but, well, you can't always get all you want.
Anyway, I'll be a good guy and send all the info they need to get my money from Western Union. Yeah, right, and this is a honest operation.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2003 16:39:17 -0300To: security company as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Awaiting to hear from you
Attn Konan Adama
The Western Union Control Number is 96827323665
And the test question and answer are:
Question: Who is the one and only God?
Answer: Horeakar, the Allmighty Deity of the Three Legs
Get a phone with letters and you'll get YOUAREAFOOL in the WU number. Cos
that's what they are: fools.
Meanwhile, Simbi gets a religious vision:
SIMBI TUREH
Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2003 21:22:15 +0200 (CEST)To: Samuel Vimes
Subject: I BELEIVE IN THE GOD OF HOREAKER
DEAR SAMUEL,
GOOD EVENING TO YOU,
I AM SOME HOW VERY EXITED THIS EVENING AS I GOT UP FROM A DEEP SLEEP,IT CAME TO ME IN THE DREAM THIS EVENING, WHEN I SAW MYSELF IN YOUR MIST WITH THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY WORSHIPING THE HOREAKER'S GOD,THE GOD WITH THREE LEGS.
PLEASE SAMUEL, COULD IT PLEASE YOU TO TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS YOUR GOD,IF THERE IS ANYTHING LIKE IT'S PICTURE,KINDLY SEND IT TO ME.I REALLY MEAN IT SIR.
I VISITED THE SECURITY COMPANY THIS AFTERNOON,AND THE DIRECTOR TOLD ME YOUR ARRANGEMENTS SO FAR MADE WITH THEM,I AM VERY VERY HAPPY FOR THAT.PLEASE SAMUEL,TRY TO COMPLY WITH THEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO THAT EVERYTHING CONCERNING THIS CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP WILL BE COMPLETED BEFORE THIS WEEK ENDS UP.
THANKS AND MAY THE GOOD SPIRIT OF HOREAKER GUIDS AND PROTECT US FOREVER MORE.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON.
Welcome Simbi to our Religion! But you'll have to spell Horeakar's name right or the Highest Priest won't accept you. Maybe I should inform Simbi about the Sleddic faith.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 2003 15:03:45 -0300To: simbi tureh simbi_tureh2003@yahoo.fr
Subject: Long Time no See
Hello Simbi
I apologize for not having answered you as promptly as you deserve but the last days have been living hell and I barely had time to take care of emails.
Sarah told me Edwin had flu. I wish him well.
In accord of his papers, everything is going fine, there's only a missing information, Edwin's blood type.
My friend says that is very important for him to have a NABO account or he won't be able to join any of the Ankh-Morpork's Guilds.
I started looking for a school for him. Since I don't know his knowledge level I can't really figure it out where he must be, but I think he can easily join the Flem Snopes Memorial School or the Panglossian Institute of Technology, if he can pass the exams, though.
You had a weird dream about our god, madam, since yesterday I felt a cloudy presence near the altar. I thought it was just a product of my stressed mind, but now I believe it was your kathru (third soul) who was wandering around the holy shrine.
You ask me for information about Horeakar. Well, it is hard to compress a religion in a brief description but let's say that the Sleddic faith is a pyramidal one.
On top of it there's one God untangible, unnamed and unknown. This God is divided in three Gummorii (Sons): Ravishankar, Horeakar y Shamhakar. Ravishankar is, to put it simple, the Universe, which makes him impossible to represent since is "all" and everything that exists is literally a part or Him.
Horeakar is the Creative God. Everything is created by Him. His three legs are not limbs in the literal meaning of the word but the three Principles of Creation. There is no picture of him (we can't worship images), so I can't send you one. We used to represent Him with a triskelion, but in the second half of the XX century we stopped since it was always mistaken with a swastika and we with nazis (nothing is oposite to the Sleddic faith as Nazionalsocialism, but people is stupid and linear minded)
Shamhakar is the Uncreative God. Everything is uncreated (destroyed) by Him.
He is NOT an evil God, He is the Inverse Flow of Energy, the Opposite (but not the Foe) of Horeakar, He is the Second Part of the Cosmic Cycle. He is an Ever Staring Eye and we represent Him as a circle with a dot in its center.
Under the Three Gummorii are the Nine Pankhu, gods that rule the opposites of the World. For example, Mukharett is the god of Love/Hate, Borlugg is the god of Peace/War, Hu Ho is the god of Male/Female, Kerpell is the god of Light/Darkness, and so on.
The Pankhu are over the 27 Morlovii, who are in charge of many aspects of Life (like Yrretizher, who is the god of sperm, and Oriter, who is the god of eating), and the Morlovii are over the 81 Nap'Ilut, which can be considered as small gods. Finally, under the Nap'Ilut are the 243 Odradek, which can be seen as angels, seraphims and cherubs in the christian faith.
Of course there is more about the faith. When we meet in Abidjain I promise to give you a copy of our Holy Book, the Zlh‘ber Khadir.
Also I'll give you some pamphlets and flyers about the many steps you must give if you want to thread along the Sleddic path.
I don't know if the Seccurity Company told you but I have the chance to make a quick visit to Cote d'Ivoire in July 9, from 2 PM till 5 PM. I apologize for not staying longer but I will be using a little free time I have from a Guild Meeting in Tunizia. I choose to do so because it was impossible for me to go to Cote d'Ivoire before August 3, which I think it would be too late for you. I apologize but I'm to busy.
So, I'll be at the door of the Seccurity Company at 2PM of July 9. Let's meet there and, if these people do everything quickly, maybe we can have a cup of coffee toghether.
Sarah will be travelling to meet Edwin in two weeks. For what I know they are getting along quite fine, so, who knows what we turn out to become...
A big hugh and give Edwin my best.
Wow, I invented a Religion. Now go and follow it! And, yes, there's a Faulknerian reference in Edwin's schools. Simultaneously, there's a brief chat with the Security Guy.
SECURITY GUY (as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com)
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 2003 11:09:37 +0000To: samuelvimes
Subject: Re-confirmation
Attn Mr.Samuel Vimes,
We are in receipt of the western union transfer information,but there is a problem in the controle numbers.
Haven gone to the office of the western union management by the secretary.It was then discovered that the controle number you send was eleven (11) numbers instead of ten (10)numbers.May be you made a mistake over the controle numbers.
We hereby requset you to reconfirm this controle number to us once again. It is also very imprtant that you send to us your indentification details in accordance with legal requirements of the change of ownership exercise. You are also requested to reconfirm your phone number to us again,as the former one you gave us did not go through.
Dr.Adama Konan (Director of Operations)
Of course you have troubles with the WU information and my phone: They are
made up! Wake up! Wake up!
Anyway, Samuel still plays the good guy role.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 2003 11:57:32 -0300To: security company as_sc_2000iv@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Re-confirmation
Sorry, yes, I typed an extra six
9682732365
I don't understand what you say about my phone number. Maybe you should dial an international number I don't know.
If this doesn't work try my cell phone 5 40 11 15 52 61 65 26
Cheers
SAMUEL VIMES
The phone number is from a cell phone from a prostitute I got from an ad
(no, I don't use them. I won't pay for something I can get for free).
Sarah sends another picture to Edwin, but gets no response. Bad guy! Once
you want to marry Sarah and now you don't even write a line!
The troubles at the security company reach Simbi. A new Simbi, if you notice
the sudden worsening of her english:
SIMBI TUREH
Fecha: MiŽrcoles 2 de Julio de 2003 5:29 PMAsunto: RE COMFIERM
DEARSAMUEL
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
WHOT HAPOUND MR ADAMA KONE CAME TO MY PLACE TODAY AND EXPLAIN SOMTING TO ME ABUOT THE CONTROL NUMBER OF WESTERN UNION HE SAID THAT YESTODAY THAT THE FIRST NUMBER GAVE TO THEM WAS NOT OK
THEY SEEND ME THE INFOMATIONS OF THE CONNTROL NUMBER
FIRST NO IS 96827323665
NEST NO IS9627732365
QUESTON WHO IS THE ONE ONLY GOD
ANSWER HOREAKER THE ALL MIGHTY DEITY OF THREE LEGS
THE NUMBER DID NOT WORK
SO PLEASE SAMUEL TRY TO VERIFIRD THIS NUMBER FROM
WESTREN UNION AND COMFERM IT TO ME
THANKS MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON
Obviously, a new lad operates as Simbi. They should train him/her better,
since doesn't spells right the name of his associate, the security guy.
Let's mess the things a little.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2003 09:10:37 -0300Simbi?
Are you OK?
What happened to your writing skills?
Your post has enormous writing mistakes, your english skills suddenly got awfully poor, I don't understand.
Anyway, I phoned Western Union and they tell me that Mrs Amina Hassan (Mr Kohan's secretary) had cashed the payment, so the number was functional and the transfer was made.
I told you, these people of the security company are LIARS, they lie you, they lie me, I don't know.
I'm really having seconds thoughts about going there in July 9, and I ask you to get some weapon or any other protection because these guys can be really dangerous.
Maybe your poor english was product of some torture or beating this people did to you?
If so, tell them to be prepared to face the anger of Samuel Vimes!
Take care
SAMUEL VIMES
No answer. Oh.
SAMUEL VIMES
Asunto: Going to TuniziaSimbi
I haven't received no reply from you.
I'm quite concerned about your health. Is there something I can do?
I'm flying this afternoon to Tunizia and, as I told you, I can make it to Cote d'Ivoire in Wednesday. Please confirm me you want to follow the operation to its very end so I don't fly there in vain.
Good bye and may Horeakar bless your soil.
SAMUEL VIMES
SIMBI TUREH
Date: Sun, 6 Jul 2003 20:10:47 +0200 (CEST)Subject: YOUR URGENT CALL NEEDED.
DEAR SAMUEL,
HAPPY SUNDAY TO YOU SIR,
SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN REPLYING YOUR LAST MAIL.
I THANK YOU VERY GREAT FOR YOUR UNDILUTED INTEREST TOWARDS ASSISTING ME AND MY SON EDWIN GET OUR TREASURE CLEARED FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY AND TRANSFER IT TO YOUR COUNTRY.
PLEASE SIR,I ADVISE YOU CALL ME ON PHONE AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL SO THAT I WILL BE SURE OF WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT TO ENABLE ME VISIT THE SECURITY COMPANY TOMORROW FOR ARRANGEMENT OF YOUR VISIT TO COTE D'IVOIRE.
THANKS AND HAVE A NICE DAY.
MADAM SIMBIAT TUREH AND SON EDWIN.
Oh, thanks, the original Simbi is back at work. Or maybe not, since doesn't get that I'm going to Cote d'Ivoire. Quick response. I'm busy. I'm in Tunizia. I'm in a Guild meeting.
SAMUEL VIMES
Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2003 15:40:28 -0300Subject: Tomorrow
I tried to phone you but I always get a busy signal.
I'll be tomorrow at 2PM in front of the entrance of the security company.
See you there
SAMUEL
The meeting day passes. Next day I expected a mail from Simbi or Adama but
nothing, nothing, not even an insult.
So Sarah tries to bring a new twist to the story and writes to Simbi and
Edwin:
SARAH VIMES
From: Sarah la GuarraDate: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 16:02:29 -0300
To: simbi_tureh2003@yahoo.fr,eddy_tureh@yahoo.fr
Subject: Worried
Please help me.
My daddy (Samuel Vimes) dissapeared, probably kidnapped, and I think this is associated with you.
Yesterday night I received a call from a guy, "Hada Maconha", who spoke bad english repeating that my daddy was kidnapped by the "Guinea Pigs Odd Liberation Front" and that these people wanted "Johns on Turd Boxes" to release him back.
Lately, searching in my dad's computer I realized that his name was Adama Konan and that he ment Guinea Bissau Liberation Front and Johnson Tureh boxes, so I guess it has something to do with you and the odd bussiness you were conducting with him.
Do you know what happened to my daddy?
Please help me.
SARAH VIMES
OK, I wanted to play all this kidnap story since I made Samuel fly to
Abidjain and I wanted to make it longer, but the sudden disinterest of the
lads made me reveal all the jokes and misunderstandings in one post.
Ah, "Hada Maconha" means "Ganja Fairy"
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
One last post from Sarah:
SARAH VIMES
From: Sarah la GuarraDate: Mon, 14 Jul 2003 15:38:11 -0300
To: simbi_tureh2003@yahoo.fr, eddy_tureh@yahoo.fr
Subject: Thanks a lot
Why you didn't help me find my daddy?
And you call yourselves christians...
v Shame on you!
SARAH VIMES
Yes, of course I could have done better with my farewell post. But I'm
already involved with another lad and I really got bored of Simbi.
So, this is THE END...