SAGBAMA EXPRESS ROAD OFFICIALLY DECLARED THE MOST DANGEROUS THOROUGHFARE ON THE PLANET

Hi again folks! It seems the scammers are becoming ever more clever, and are now inserting your name in the letter in an attempt to give it that 'personal touch'. At first I was a bit wary about responding to this one. After all, the lad has my real name and e-mail address. Even though I'm responding as a fake persona, what if he only sent a few of these customised letters out? He might then be able to figure out who is baiting him! So when I had received no reply for 2 days, I began to worry. But I need not have worried. He took the bait.

In my first attempt at scam baiting I had assumed the role of Dustin Arbitrage, Inventor Extraordinare. This time I play a character with a sort of, let's say... anal retentive occupation that provides even more avenues for comic relief: Reginald T. Buttquest, (NOT the real) Director of the Colchester Zoo, Essex. I imagine that fellow scam baiters might rather enjoy this exchange, wherein Reginald relates some astonishing animal stories - and he doesn't mince his words either ;-)

This exchange turned out to be a rather lengthy one, but if you bear with it, there's an exciting twist at the end (including a dramatic voice mail recording) when Reginald 'travels' to Africa in an effort to secure his fortune...

As usual, all e-mail addresses and other personal information have been supressed to protect the innocent (and the guilty).

 

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2003 02:37:51 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: PLEASE HELP ME
To: [my actual e-mail address]

Dear  [my actual surname],

I am Barrister Offor Dede. Solicitor. I am the
Personal Attorney to Mr William [my actual surname]. a national
of your country, who used to work with shell
development company in Nigeria.On the 21st of April
2000, my client, his wife And their three children
were involved in a car accident along Sagbama Express
Road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost
there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries
to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended
relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.
After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided
to trace his relatives over the Internet, to locate
any member of his family but of no avail, hence I
contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in
repartrating the money and property left behind by my
client before they get confisicated or declared
unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits
were lodged. Particularly, the Bank where the deceased
had an account valued at about 16 million dollars has
issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have
the account confisicated within the next ten official
working days.
since i have been unsuccesfull in locating the the
relatives for over 2 years now I seek your consent to
present you as the next of kin of the deceased since
you are from the same country so that the proceeds of
this account valued at $16million dollars can be paid
to you and then you and me can share the money. 55%
to me and 40% to you,while 5% should be for expenses
or tax as your government may require, I have all
necessary legal documents that can be used to back up
any claim we may make.
All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us
see this dealt through. I guarantee that this will be
executed under a legitimate arrangement that will
protect you from any breach of the law.Please get in
touch with me by my email to enable us discuss further.
Best regards,
Barr.Offor Dede.

 Not only do a lot of people die on this road, they also collectively neglect to make out a will! Would you want to be associated with a barrister who managed your affairs so ineptly? I think not. Anyway, let the games commence...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Sat, 7 Jun 2003 01:16:30 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: RE: PLEASE HELP ME
To: "Offor Dede"

Dear Offor,

I was very busy at work the last few days, and was
also taking the time to consider your offer carefully.
Hmm. I don't recall having an uncle or cousin William
who lived in Nigeria... but our family is quite
an extended one and, over the years, I suppose they
have spread to all corners of the (dare I say former?)
Kingdom.

I must say that I'm a bit leery of engaging in
anything that could be even remotely construed as
illegal. You see, my position is one of high public
profile - I am the director of the Colchester Zoo.
Speaking of which, let me tell you, it was a stressful
week here. One of our hippopotami, Vincent, developed
a case of acute constipation. The poor thing hadn't
had a bowel movement (can I say that in an
e-mail?) for over 2 weeks. Anyway, his keeper was
trying to alleviate the situation with an herbal enema
when suddenly... SPLAT! The entire stored contents of
Vincent's intestines sallied forth, knocking his
keeper, Frederick, into the wall of the hippo
enclosure and severely concussing him! Pretty soon we
had medics, the police, the press, and even forensic
scientists crawling all over the place... but none of
this should concern you. Sorry, I do go on a bit when
I'm under stress.

Anyway, back to the point. Zoo Director may not sound
like a lofty title, but it's what I've aspired to and
I'd not like to put my reputation in jeopardy through
shady business dealings. So, can you please provide me
with further details of this venture of yours. Then I
should be able to decide whether or not to pursue it.
40% of $16 million you say? I'm interested, but
cautious. What must I do exactly to secure this
fortune? Do you have all the paperwork that will be
necessary to convince the authorities that I am
indeed William's next of kin? When would I have to
travel to Nigeria?

I await your response.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 I took the liberty of substituting 'Buttquest' for my actual surname in the reply text. Will the lad take the bait? You betcha! All caps this time though...

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2003 03:52:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: AWAITING YOUR URGENT REPLY
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

ATTN:REGINALD BUTTQUEST.

HOW ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?.HOPE ALL IS WELL.
MAY I STRAIGHT AWAY ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR MAIL IN
CONNECTION WITH OUR SUBJECT MATTER OF MY PREVIOUS MAIL
TO YOU.
FIRST,LET ME HOWEVER SAY WITHOUT ANY FEAR OF
CONTRADICTION THAT THIS BUSINESS IS 100% RISK FREE
FROM NOW AND IN FUTURE,BOTH HERE IN NIGERIA AND YOUR
OWN COUNTRY.THERE IS ALSO THE NEED FOR ME TO
APPRECIATE AND EMPHASIS YOUR DECISIONS AND ACTIONS
REGARDING THIS BUSINESS,BUT I HAVE TO POINT TO YOU
THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.PLEASE MY MOTIVE OF
SEARCHING THE NEXT OF KIN FOR LATE MR WILLIAM
BUTTQUEST IS TO AVOID THIS FUND BEING CONFISCATED BY
HIS LOCAL BANK HERE IN NIGERIA.WHAT IS OF GREAT
IMPORTANCE IS TO AVOID THIS TO HAPPEN.
IT MAY PERHAPS INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT ALL THE LEGAL
DOCUMENTS BACKING THIS FUND IS UNDER MY CUSTODY AND
EVERY ARRANGEMENT INVOLVED FOR THE BANK TO RELEASE
THIS FUND HAS BEEN CONCLUDED,ONLY FOR ME TO PRODUCE
THE PARTICULARS OF HIS NEXT OF KIN FOR ONWARD TRANSFER
IMMEDIATELY.
I ASSURE YOU THAT YOUR NAME IS 100% GUARANTEED AND
PROTECTED,SO I ADVISED THAT YOU GO AHEAD AND SEND YOUR
DATA SO THAT WE CAN CONCLUDE THIS BUSINESS IN EARNEST.
AT THE POINT OF BEING MODEST,MY TRACK RECORD AS AN
ATTORNEY BEARS ELOQUENT TESTIMONY OF ME WHICH I WILL
NOT LIKE TO BE STAINED.IT IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ME TO
COMMEND HERE YOUR LEVEL OF TRANSPARENCY BEING PARADED
IN YOUR MAIL,WHICH I HOPE WE ARE PEOPLE OF THE SAME
LIKE-MIND.
FINALLY,I WISH TO ASSURE YOU AND HOPE THAT YOU WILL
TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE THIS WORK.

BE THAT AS IT MAY,I WISH TO SAY HERE THAT I AM
GRATIFUL TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL
HOPPING THAT IN A VERY SHORT TIME WE WILL MEET AND
EMBRACE EACH OTHER AS BROTHERS.
PLEASE BECAUSE OF POLITICAL INSTABILITY IN MY COUNTRY
I PLAINED TO INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY WHERE I FEEL YOU
ARE IN A BETTER POSITION TO ASSIST ME.

REMAIN BLESSED

BARR.OFFOR DEDE.

 He's jumping through hoops to assuage my fears, but he still hasn't told me what he wants yet! Oh well, I suppose that calls for another animal story...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2003 16:51:59 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: AWAITING YOUR URGENT REPLY
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, hello again,

So good to hear from you. You inject a small measure
of sanity into my otherwise psychotic lifestyle.

We had another crisis here at the zoo over the
weekend, and I've been tied up trying to resolve it.
This one is really embarrassing, and I had to call up
a few owed favours to keep it out of the papers. You
see, one of the female tigers has contracted syphilis.
As you may know, this disease is not endemic to
animals, so the only way she could have got it is from
her trainer... oh, the possibilities are too horrible
even just to contemplate! Even worse, the infected
tigress (Trixie by the way) appears to be allergic to
penicillin, so the vet isn't quite sure how to proceed
in this case. And now we also have to test all the
male tigers... not to mention the other trainers. But
again, I digress.

Obviously, I will need to travel to Nigeria to claim
William's legacy. Do I need a visitor's visa? I'm
afraid right now wouldn't be a good time for me
anyway. I'm going on a business trip tomorrow morning
to visit my colleague Dr. Hans Beenz at the famous
Berlin Zoo. Going there to see how the 'big boys' run
a zoo, and hope to pick up a few pointers. I shall be
gone until the 20th. Oh well, I suppose this venture
of ours can wait one week longer, seeing as you'd been
trying to locate me for over 2 years.

Be aware that I shan't be contactable by e-mail whilst
I'm away. So you won't hear from me again till June
20th. In the meantime, can you please tell me what you
require me to do next?

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 In reality, I'm going on holidays for a week. Hope the lad can read. I'm not expecting any of your 'urgent' messages for a while, matey. Get the picture?

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Tue, 10 Jun 2003 04:47:13 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: PLEASE SEND INFORMATION
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

ATTN:MR REGINALD BUTTQUEST
I AM GRATIFUL TO HEAR FROM YOU.HOW IS YOUR FAMILY AND
WORK?HOPE FINE.
LET ME INFORM YOU IN TIME THAT AT THE END OF THIS
BUSINESS YOU WILL TAKE ME AND MY FAMILY ROUND IN YOUR
ZOO FOR SIGHT SEEING.
PLEASE YOUR COMING TO NIGERIA MAY OR MAY NOT BE
NECESSARY DEPENDING ON YOUR CHOICE.
MEANWHILE TO START THE TRANSACTION IN EARNEST,YOU ARE
REQUIRED TO FORWARD IMMEDIATELY THE FOLLOWING.
1}YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS
2}YOUR PRIVATE POSTAL ADRESS.
3}THE NAME OF YOUR BANK WHERE THE FUND WILL BE LODGED.
4}THE PHONE AND FAX NUMBERS OF YOUR BANK.
5}THE ACCOUNT NUMBER WHERE THE FUND WILL BE
TRANSFERED.
PLEASE I WILL BE GRATIFUL IF THIS INFORMATION WILL
REACH MY TABLE IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I WILL START
PROCESSING BEFORE YOU ARE BACK FROM YOUR JORNEY.

REMAIN BLESSED.

BARR.OFFOR DEDE.

Well... I'm actually not travelling till Thursday. I suppose I could tell him that my trip was postponed for a day. Due to some animal antics, of course!

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Tue, 10 Jun 2003 15:00:12 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: PLEASE SEND INFORMATION
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, hi!

You are very lucky to have caught me, because my
business trip has now been postponed for one day. Hans
called me first thing this morning from Berlin, and he
was in an awful state. The Berlin Zoo has the only
mating pair in captivity of the extremely rare loof
lirpa, and the male seems to have escaped from his
enclosure. You see, the loof lirpa has the capability
to blend in perfectly with any background (a defense
mechanism that protects this delicate creature from
its many indigenous predators), even inorganic ones.
And now of course, everyone at the zoo is occupied
trying to find this elusive beast before it can leave
the zoo grounds.

There is only thing that will help the staff to track
down a loof lirpa: its feces has a purplish tint that
distinguishes it from that of other animals. So, if
they can just coax the little blighter into taking a
shite (sorry, I'm using layman's terms there), that
just might lead them right to him.

Quite understandably, due to all the fuss, Hans asked
if I could fly to Berlin tomorrow instead. In the
meantime, here are some of my personal details so you
can get cracking. My home address (I live quite near
the zoo) is:

27 Roger's Yew Lane
Colchester, Essex, CO3 0SL
England

If it's all the same with you, I'd prefer not to do
business by phone. My personal assistant, Ms. Gutta
Snipe, is a rather nosy little vixen, and I don't want
her privy to any of my sensitive business affairs.
Likewise with my wife at home (not that *she's* a nosy
little vixen. In fact, she leans a bit towards the
plump, but that's really none of your affair).

For the moment, I think it's best not to give you
details of my bank account. Any transfer of monies in
the magnitude of which we are speaking should wait for
my return, in case something goes wrong and needs my
immediate attention to put right.

One thing that is puzzling me slightly... you say that
I might NOT have to come to Nigeria? How am I to claim
this great fortune of ours then? Surely the
authorities will demand that poor William's next of
kin be physically present when there is so much money
involved!

As I said before, I'll be in touch with you again upon
my return from Berlin on June 20th.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Yes, it's June, but 'loof enuj' doesn't quite have the same ring to it, don't you think? ;-)

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Fri, 13 Jun 2003 15:25:59 +0100 (BST)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Waiting to hear from you.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn;mr.Reginald Buttquest,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail to me
and at the same time to say welcome from your trip
when ever you arrives.

Please,we must need the services of phone and fax in
this transaction, rather I advise that I sould not
disclose any information to anybody while you are not
on seat. Even the Bank will communicate with you
through phone and fax.

Let me emphasis here again that it is the duty of the
Bank to invite you or not,but I believe that should
not pose as a delay to this business.

Looking forward to hearing from you as soon as you are
back from your trip.

My regards to your family,

Barr.Offor Dede

 Well, the lad can read. He respected my wishes and only sent this one e-mail the day after I left for holidays. Meanwhile, I'd had a whole week relaxing by the pool in Spain to concoct some more animal stories. Here we go again...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Sat, 21 Jun 2003 15:17:00 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Waiting to hear from you.
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, my dear sir,

Indeed, I just returned from my trip to Berlin. I
learned a lot from Dr. Hans while I was there: how to
diagnose post traumatic stress disorder in koala
bears, how to safely obtain a semen sample from an
electric eel... I daresay that I could even get a
leopard to change its spots, such is the wealth of
arcane animal knowledge I have accrued during the past
week!

Anyway, I would have written to you yesterday, but I
had an unusual crisis to deal with immediately upon my
return. It would seem that some blithering idiot
(please excuse my colourful language) didn't
understand how to work the temperature control on our
large aquarium. Instead of setting it to a comfortable
30 degrees C, it was instead set to MINUS 30. As a
result, we've lost all of our prized tropical fish,
among them: a coelacanth, several largemouth bass, in
excess of 1500 guppies, and an extremely rare
icthyosaur. How tragic. In order to offset the vast
expense of replacing the collection, we have decided
to turn the whole lot into frozen fish fingers, which
can be sold to the zoo visitors in the cafeteria this
summer.

But back to the business at hand... I have been doing
some research on Nigeria, and I cannot locate the
Sagbama Express Road, even on a detailed aerial survey
map. Is it a large thoroughfare? Does it have a median
strip in the middle? Is it well lit at night? Please,
I would like to know more about the circumstances
under which poor Uncle William and his family died.

In the meantime, as a matter of trust, I have decided
to provide you with the details of my bank account:

Barclays Bank Plc
9 High Street
Colchester, C01 1DA
Tel: +44 1206 284100

Account No: 80559172
Sort Code: 20-22-67

I look forward to hearing further from you, and of
planning my forthcoming trip to Nigeria. I can't wait
to observe the exotic animals that I deal with in
their native habitat!

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 That's the account number of a wine appreciation club. Meanwhile, it appears I'm actually getting a tour of the infamous Sagbama Express Road upon my arrival in Nigeria!

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Sat, 21 Jun 2003 11:37:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Treat Urgent.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn: Reginald Buttquest,

Thanks for your mail and the information well received
also I welcome from you nice trip.Any way I am very
happy to hear that you took your time to make some
useful research about my country Nigeria. First of all
let me clear you about the sagbama Road issue.As a
matter of fact the road in question is an express road
that links in between Rivers and Cross River States.
Meanwhile, I promised to take you around to the road
upon your arrival.

Please, let me also emphasis here the use of telephone
in this business. Please I advise to abide in your
instruction as regards to the use of telephone in
contacting you.

Do try and send to me your telephone and fax number as
this will enable me forward your particulars to the
Bank for onward transfer into your account.

Remain blessed as I hope to receive your mail.

Regards,
Barr.Offor Dede.

 Poor lad. You should be doing some web research to discover that icthyosaurs have been extinct for 150 millon years rather than worrying about my phone number. I'm going to have to fob him off. Once you give a fake phone number, the game is usually up. For once, no animal story...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2003 12:35:09 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Treat Urgent.
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, hello once again,

Yes, I would very much like to visit the scene of
William's tragic death. If you can take me to the
exact spot where the accident occurred, I will place a
wreath of flowers there.

About my phone number... due to concerns which I
expressed earlier, I'd really like to stick to using
e-mail. I feel I can be candid with you now, and tell
you the real reason: my nosy personal assistant Ms.
Gutta Snipe actually found out that I was having an
affair once because she was taking all the calls. The
silly bitch (once again, apologies for the language)
sent my wife an anonymous letter with all the sordid
details. It was the only time I had ever been
unfaithful, and I truly regret it, but there's nothing
I can do to change the past. Now that my wife knows,
she's making my life really miserable.

So, you see, once Ms. Snipe knows my business, so does
the whole world. And being a technophobe, I don't have
a mobile phone. So I hope you will understand now that
e-mail is the only way to bring this affair (poor word
choice, I know) to a satisfactory conclusion.

Speaking of which, shouldn't we be making arrangements
for me to visit your country in the near future?

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Two e-mails back-to-back next...

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 01:19:46 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Treat Urgent.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn:Reginald Buttquest,

Thanks for your mail and the information was well
noted,How are you and your family today?I hope all is
well. Please I can see reasons with you why you are
trying to saveguard this business.

Meanwhile, I have compiled all your particulars which
I will submit to the Bank immediately today. As it is
now, the Bank will determine about the non availabilty
of your Fax and Phone numbers.

Endeavour to update me as soon as the Bank reaches
you.I am preparing to send to you an Agreement that
will bind us together regarding to this transaction
and as well send you my personal picture for a better
tranquility.

Thanks and Remain bless as I hope to hear from you.

Barr.Offor Dede.

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 05:16:58 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Personal Pic.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Good afternoon Mr.Reginald Buttquest,

I am writting again to say Hi. Please Fine attach my
personal picture for your view and Identification.

And at the same time in return I will like to have
yours as well.

Thanks,

Barr.Offor Dede.

 The lad attaches his alleged photo, a not very impressive looking scan job.

Well, he's bought into the idea of my not having a telephone/fax, but I've come up with a better idea. It so happens that Scamorama just this very day posted some tips for we intrepid scam baiters, and I signed up for K7's free online voicemail/fax service! Even left a personalised message on there: "Hello there, my little flower! Reginal T. Buttquest at your service..." in my best faux upper-class English eccentric accent. It's pretty much a load of cack, but should be good enough to fool our lad. Here goes nothing...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003 15:17:42 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Personal Pic.
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, hi once again,

Thank you kindly for the photo. Your are assuredly a
trustworthy-looking gentleman. In return, I have
attached a photo of myself taken in front of some of
our famous eucalyptus trees at the zoo. If you look
carefully in the upper left portion of the photo, you
can just make out one of our little koalas munching
away on his staple diet.

Meanwhile, I have some good news for you. Realising
that it would be extremely difficult to carry out our
forthcoming bank transactions without benefit of phone
or fax, I have managed to locate a reliable online
voicemail/fax service to which I have just subscribed!
So either yourself or the bank can leave me voice or
fax messages, and I can collect them via e-mail and
respond to them at my leisure. The only downside is
that there is no such service in the United Kingdom,
so you will have to call a U.S. number:

[number omitted here. Hey, I'll need it for future scams!]

Just follow the instructions when the line picks up.
You should hear my recorded greeting. Then you can
either leave a voice message or send a fax.

I look forward to hearing from you, and to the
successful conclusion of our transaction.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 I've attached a photo of a very plausible looking mugu/zoo director type that I found somewhere on the web. It even looks as if he's standing in front of some eucalyptus trees. That little grey splotch in the top left corner just *might* be a koala bear, no?

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2003 05:17:17 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Acknowledge this.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn Mr. Reginald Buttquest,

Thanks for your mail,how are you today?,I hope all is
well. Once again thanks a lot for your efforts you
have been putting it so far by providing a fax which
is very important to this business.

Let me also inform you that I have submitted the
particulars to the Bank yesterday which also they
talked so much about the use of phone and fax in this
which will enhance easy access to this transfer.

Without mincing words let me also acknowledge receipt
of your nice picture which has given me confidence in
my dealings with you.

Thanks for your usual understanding.

Regards,
Barr. Offor Dede

 "Acknowledge this", he says. Hmph. Rather blunt considering this fantastic level of trust we have managed to build. You guessed it. This begs for another animal story...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 16:55:14 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Acknowledge this.
To: "Offor Dede"

And how are you today, Offor?

I'm rather excited myself. We're going to be one of
the first zoos ever to publish an article in the
esteemed journal, Nature. We may even make it into the
Guinness Book of Records! Let me tell you what
happened. It all boils down to a spot of good luck
actually...

About 457 days ago (for as you know, that is the
gestation period of a giraffe), Sumo, our male
mountain gorilla... somehow managed to mate with one
of the giraffes. Now, a cross-species mating would
normally not be successful. If it were, the animals
that populate this world might well resemble those in
a game of Impossible Creatures (TM)!

In any case, the result of this highly improbable
union was born yesterday: Bruno. Little Bruno has an
elongated neck and legs like that of a giraffe, but
all his other features and colouration are those of a
gorilla! Were it not for scientific curiosity, we
probably should have humanely put the poor creature
down. But... Bruno kind of grows on you, and now the
very idea of destroying this innocent little beast is
repugnant. We have photos, but I have vowed to keep
them a secret until we publish this astonishing story.
Right now our biggest problem is getting his mother to
feed him, and also deciding whether or not to
informally call this new species a 'goraffe', or a
'girilla'. What do you think, Offor?

So, the bank are preparing the necessary paperwork to
move us forward? Good, good. I'm assuming they will
fax me the details?

For now,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 If he buys this story, then that just proves these guys don't really care much about what you say. All they see is your money, dangling in front of them like a fat, juicy carrot. Anyway, we should be hearing from the 'bank' soon...

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Fri, 27 Jun 2003 07:36:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Acknowledge this.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

DEAR MR REGINALD BUTTQUEST.

PLEASE I GOT YOUR MAIL BUT COULD NOT RESPOND TO IT
YESTERDAY BECAUSE OF MY PROFFESIONAL DUTIES.
I AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM WHEN THE BANK WILL REACH YOU
SO THAT WE WILL KNOW THE NEXT STEP OF ACTION TO
FOLLOW.
REMAIN BLESSED AS I WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU.
REGARDS.
BARR.OFFOR DEDE.

 Yes, I'm waiting to hear from the bank too. But you *are* the bank, remember Offor? Time to jar his memory...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Sat, 28 Jun 2003 13:53:31 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Acknowledge this.
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, hello,

Just to let you know that if the bank had been trying
to reach me, there was a problem with my voicemail/fax
account and I was NOT receiving messages correctly.
However, I managed to resolve the problem this morning
after speaking with a rather friendly chap at my
service's technical support department, and I can now
correctly receive voice and fax messages. Once again,
the number (in the U.S.) is:

[number omitted]

Either the bank or yourself can leave both voice and
fax messages there. I realise the bank folks will
probably not be at work again till Monday, so I should
expect to hear from them then?

By the way, Bruno (we decided in the end to combine
the starting syllables from both species, gi-raffe and
go-rilla, so he's now officially a 'gigo') is doing
very nicely indeed. His mother still refuses to feed
him, but with the help of our resident vet, we've
managed to concoct a formula that the little fellow
is just lapping up like there's no tomorrow! I'll send
you some photos of Bruno after we publish in Nature.
Until then I've got to keep this very hush-hush. Can't
have the gutter press spewing all sorts of nonsense
before the facts are a matter of record, can we now?

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 It was Saturday, so I had some time to mess around. My K7 account wasn't working properly, but by tweaking the account parameters, I finally managed to get a voice message e-mailed to me. Come on Offor, leave me a message already and let's get this scam off the ground!

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Mon, 30 Jun 2003 09:09:12 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: HOW ARE YOU.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

ATTN:MR REGINALD BUTTQUEST,

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL,HOW ARE YOU AND YOUR WORK TODAY?,
HOPE YOU ARE DOING WELL.

PLEASE AS SOON AS THE BANK CONTACT'S YOU,DO LET ME
KNOW FOR FURTHER DIRECTIVE TO AVOID ANY
MISTAKE.MEANWHILE, I WILL BE VERY VERY GLAD TO RECEIVE
THE PICTURES AS YOU HAVE PROMISED AND KNOW MORE ABOUT
BRUNO.

THANKS AS I AWAIT TO READ FROM YOU.

BARR.OFFOR DEDE.

 Finally I elicit a reaction, albeit in passing, to the Bruno saga. Does this lad have a heart after all?

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2003 01:58:30 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Acknowledge this.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

ATTN:MR REGINALD BUTTQUEST.
HOW ARE YOU ? HOPE ALL IS WELL.
PLEASE MR BUTTQUEST I AM WORRIED SINCE I CANNOT HEAR
FROM.PLEASE REACH ME SO AS TO KNOW WHERE WE ARE.
I WENT TO THE BANK BUT COULD NOT GET ANY INFORMATION
FROM THEM.IF THEY HAVE CONTACTED YOU PLEASE DO LET ME
KNOW.
REMAIN BLESSED AS I WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU.
REGARDS.

BARR.OFFOR DEDE.

 This is all becoming a touch surreal. Who's running this scam anyway? It would seem that another prod is in order...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2003 10:56:18 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Acknowledge this.
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, how are you today?

No, the bank has not contacted me. I just checked for
messages/faxes and there weren't any.

Why is it taking so long for the bank to contact me?
I'm becoming worried.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Several hours later and still no messages. He's probably got so many scams on the go he can't keep track of them all. I'm becoming bored. I suppose yet another reminder of my contact details is necessary, along with the obligatory animal story...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2003 13:30:14 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: My voicemail/fax account details
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, hello again,

I realise that being a respected barrister, you are
quite likely a very busy man! And with all the
correspondence that surely comes through your office,
you may have lost track of my phone/fax number. Just
in case you or the bank require a reminder, it's a
U.S. number:

[number omitted]

As an aside... we're having fine weather here at the
zoo, and it's brought all the tourists out - including
the lunatic fringe. There's a crackpot 'animal
pshychologist' who is of the opinion that Samantha,
our black mamba snake, was a pop singer in a former
life. What a load of tosh, I say! He wants to put
"Samantha Mamba", as we affectionately refer to her,
under hypnosis in order to bring her 'repressed
memories' to the surface. Would suit me if Samantha
bit him in the bollocks during the attempt (excuse the
crude language once again), but then we'd have an
expensive lawsuit on our hands, so I can't possibly
sanction this sort of activity.

In any event, do please have the bank contact me as
soon as possible, Offor. I fear that we are wasting
valuable time here!

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Samantha *Mumba* is indeed a pop singer. But I forgot to attach a nice photo I found...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2003 14:05:56 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Picture of Samantha
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, hello once again,

Sorry, but I meant to attach a picture of Samantha
Mamba being removed from her enclosure by Jason, her
handler, on the way to the vet for her yearly
check-up. She's a fine specimen of the female species,
don't you think?

Cheers,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Attached a photo of a black mamba being put into a snake bag.

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2003 03:39:14 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Worried
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn;Mr Rginald Buttquest,

Thanks for your mail and the information,However I am
very happy to received the picture of Samantha
Mamba .

I am worried that you have not been contact by the
Bank after submiting your particulars to the since
last week. Meanwhile,I am phoning them rightway to
give you feed back latter.

Thanks and God bless,

Regards,
Barr. Offor Dede.

 *He's* worried? What about me? I'm beginning to suspect that the 'bank' is being played by a friend of the lad rather than the lad himself. Perhaps this other lad is some kind of fake bank document 'expert'. If that is the case, he's letting Offor down badly; this to-ing and fro-ing has been going on for nearly a week. Come on lads, get your act together. I'm pulling for you :-)

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2003 07:54:32 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: that is it.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn Mr. Reginald Buttquest,

How are you and your family,I hope you are doing
well.Please Mr.Reginald,I have come to understand that
there's a communication gap between the both of us,I
am therefore pleased to inform you that if you are not
serious about this business you should inform me so
that I will know whatelse to do as business is not a
do or die affair.

Moreso,I have gone to the Bank and they infomed me
that they have reached you and still waiting for your
response ,based on the information I received from the
Bank,it is quite certin now that you are the caurse of
the delay.I therefore advise you to each me and the
Bank immediately for us to move forward and inform me
about your readiness in doing this business with me or
not.

Thanks,
Offor.

 Uh oh. Pissed him off. Well, two can play that game!

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2003 17:57:29 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: that is it.
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, my dear sir,

Yes, there is a communication gap here, but I can
assure you that the problem lies on your end! Exactly
what part of:

"The bank can contact me by leaving a voice message or
sending a fax to the following number: [number omitted]"

DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

I have tested this number by leaving voice messages
there. I even sent a test fax the other day and was
able to receive it. I check it every day. I have
received NO MESSAGES OR FAXES FROM THE BANK! If they
say they have contacted me, then they are patently
telling you lies.

As I said before Offor, we are wasting valuable time
here. Time is money; money is time. Get with the
programme, my good man! There is a fortune to be
shared by both of us if only this transaction can be
brought to a successful conclusion.

And by the way, why does a BANK need to contact me?
What do they need from me? You already have my account
number. Don't I just need to get on a plane to
Nigeria?

Very Concerned,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 And just when I thought we were heading for a dead end...

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Sat, 5 Jul 2003 03:46:38 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Please Reach Me Immediately
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

ATTN:Reginald Buttquest

I am confussed on this development right now.
Please I went to the Bank yesterday but surprisingly I
was informed that they have written to you several
times through their mail box.
Please I am worried because I do not know whom to
believe at this point in time.
Infact the Bank promised to reach you again.
Lets be serious to avoid doubts and suspection from
the Bank.
Urgently waiting to hear from you.
Regards.
Barr.Offor Dede.

 Ah, the penny drops! The 'bank' actually wrote to the bogus snail mail address I gave earlier: 27 Roger's Yew Lane. Chuckle. So I fire back a semi-plausible excuse as to what may have happened...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Sat, 5 Jul 2003 14:13:18 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Please Reach Me Immediately
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, hello there,

Sorry about the confusion. I was assuming that the
bank would contact me via phone or fax, but now you
say they have *written* to me? Was it the address
below that you gave them?

Reginald T. Buttquest
27 Roger's Yew Lane
Colchester, Essex, CO3 0SL
England

Do you know what, my kind fellow... I'll bet you
anything that my wife, the conniving vixen, has hidden
the post from me again. As I said before, she's become
extremely vindictive since Ms. Gutta Snipe exposed my
affair.

I shall search the premises thoroughly in an endeavour
to locate any post that has gone astray. In the
meantime, could I suggest that you have the bank *fax*
any correspondence instead? I will be assured of
receiving it that way. Once again, the number is:

[number omitted]

By the way, you still haven't told me *why* the bank
needs to get hold of me...

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 But then, lo and behold, the 'bank' finally gets in touch!

UNION BANK

From: "Union Bank"
To: "Reginald Buttquest"
Date: Sat, 05 Jul 2003 07:56:59 -0500
Subject: U.B.N

Attn:Reginald Buttquest,

There was a report brought by one Barrister Offor Dede concerning the
mail we have sent to you several times with out your response.

Please find attached again the copy of the form please do fill it and
send same back to us.

Dr. S.K Adams.
Director Foriegn Operations.

U.B.N.

 Attached was standard "Dead Bank Customer with you as Beneficiary" form. Reginald, being anal retentive as he is, wants to make sure he fills it in correctly...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Sat, 5 Jul 2003 14:49:03 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: U.B.N
To: "Union Bank"
CC: "Offor Dede"

Dr. Adams, greetings,

I'm so glad that you finally got in touch with me!
Barrister Offor Dede and I were becoming very worried.

I will fill in and return the form (UBN FORM) that you
sent as soon as you can explain the following:

It is asking for an AMOUNT. Is this the amount I am to
receive as my late Uncle William Buttquest's legacy,
i.e. $16 million?

What AMOUNT should I fill in here? Please advise
soonest, as I don't want to make any mistakes on the
form when so much money is involved. Also, would you
recommend that I receive these monies via telegraphic
transfer, or bank draft. In your experience, which is
the more reliable mode of payment?

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 02:03:34 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: HAPPY TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn; Mr,Reginald Buttquest,

l received your mail with joy filled all over my
heart.The success story at the end is that the bank
has contacted you.lam certain that we will then
address our minds to the pursuit of our goals and
vision which l beckon on you that in a short time we
will celebrate our success.
For the aviodance of doubts,l need to restate here
that the reason why the Bank needs to reach you is to
aviod the fund been transfered into a wrong
account,looking at the huge amount involved.Also you
should understand that the Bank does not rely on the
information supplied by me , as a result they need to
confirm every information from you.
Similarly,ln every sense of it,l feel l should guide
you in the areas it appears you are confused.
Firstly,the amount you should fill is US$16 million
dollars and secondly,you should indicate to them that
you need the fund to be transfered through TELEGRAPHIC
TRANSFER.
Also l will inform the Bank to reach you through the
fax number you provided already.
Finally,l further express my gratitude and l make bold
to remind you also that our labour will not go
unrewarded,which success is sure.
Remain blessed as l wait to hear more information from
you.
Regards,
Barr.Offor Dede.

 Paydirt! And I had already spent the better part of Sunday afternoon carefully transplanting a thumbprint onto their form. Now that Offor has kindly answered my questions concerning the amount and mode of transfer, it's time to send it back to the 'bank'... but wait - surely there's time for another animal story first :-)

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 11:42:58 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: HAPPY TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS.
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, my good fellow,

Yes, I think we are indeed both relieved that the bank
finally managed to contact me. My wife must have hid
their letters! Thanks for the advice concerning the
amount of the transfer and the preferred mode of
payment. I shall complete the form at lunchtime, and
send it back to the bank forthwith.

Meanwhile, it was a very busy weekend here at the
Colchester Zoo. We had some visiting dignitaries (I
daren't tell you who they were, for the story I'm
about to relate is too embarrassing for all
concerned), and the zoo laid out a sumptuous feast on
Saturday evening. Well, it's rather a long story
but...

The last time we had such an occasion, the caterers
outdid themselves: battered eel a la Orange, deviled
escargot, octopus sorbet, you name it. But the single
most delicious delicacy was: fricassee fried goat's
cheese balls. So naturally, we ordered the same again
from the caterers. But what did the incompetent fools
give us instead? You guessed it: fricassee fried
goat's balls - the real thing! Unfortunately, our most
esteemed guest already had one in his mouth before
anyone noticed the subtle change in menu. Once he
realised his predicament (indeed, we were later to
learn that eating any part of a goat was contrary to
this poor chap's religious doctrine), he summarily
spat it out. And where did it go? Straight down the
decolletage of the voluptuous matron sitting across the
table from him, that's where. The ensuing mayhem was
such that... suffice it to say, I consumed copious
amounts of brandy long into the night in an attempt to
blot the incident from my memory. And so on Sunday
morning, not only did I have the aftermath of a
political incident to deal with, but also a hangover
of biblical proportions. As usual though, none of this
is your affair, and I'm sorry to burden you with my
troubles.

In any case, I have that bank form to complete, so I
had better attend to it.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 12:12:25 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: U.B.N
To: "Union Bank"
CC: "Offor Dede"

Dr. Adams, hello once again,

I have completed the beneficiary form that you sent,
and am returning it for you to process. Please let me
know if you require anything further.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 I had great fun finding a properly scaled thumbprint on the web, and transplanting it onto their form. Very convincing though, don't you think? But writing in block capitals using a mouse is quite tedious. Note how the word 'beneficiary' is spelled incorrectly *2 different ways* on the form. Sheesh.

OK lads, you must be getting ready to hit me with the inevitable advance fee request. We've been sniffing around each other's tails (so to speak) for a whole month now. Come on already!

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 08:25:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: THANKS FOR QUICK RESPONSE
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

ATTN:MR REGINALD BUTTQUEST,
THANKS A LOT FOR YOUR PROMPT ATTENTION IN FILLING THE
FORM.
MR BUTTQUEST,I AM VERY HAPPY THAT YOU ARE KEEPING THIS
TRANSACTION A TOP MOST SECRET.
LET ME ALSO INFORM YOU THAT I AM MAKING EVERY
PREPARATION TO GIVE YOU A PRESIDENTIAL HOSTING IN
NIGERIA AS SOON AS THIS FUND IS BEEN TRANSFERED INTO
YOUR ACCOUNT.
ALSO I AM MAKING PLANS TO RE-ALOCATE MY FAMILY TO THE
UNITED KINGDON AS SOON AS THIS FUND IS CREDITED,WHICH
I BELEIVE YOU WILL BE IN A POSITION TO SECURE A GOOD
ACCOMODATION FOR ME.
WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST,
REGARDS,
BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE.

 We're back to all caps again. I sincerely hope that if the lad ever does have occasion to visit the U.K., it will be as a guest of Her Majesty's Prison Service.

It's been a whole day now since I last heard from them. May as well goad them into action concerning the advance fee. I hope for all our sakes that they haven't sent anything more to my bogus snail mail address. This scam has taken too long to develop as it is!

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2003 14:37:36 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: THANKS FOR QUICK RESPONSE
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, how are you today?

Do you, or the bank, require anything more from me
before the transfer can be effected? Having done some
business of this nature in the past, I understand that
a transfer fee is usually required by the bank. Do you
have any idea how much this fee would amount to?
Presumably, it can simply be deducted from the US
$16M.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2003 07:52:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Remain Positive
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

ATTN:Reginald Buttquest,

I got your mail,Please I am not in a position to
explain If the Bank will require you to pay some
charges but let me inform you that I paid $18,255.00
for the approval of the Fund.
All the same I advise you to refer the question to the
Bank.

Remain bless as look ahead in receiving your mail.
Regards.
Barr.Offor Dede.

 He's making this sound awfully realistic. But of course, that *is* the con man's job. I hope to hell this isn't for real, because if it is, then the treasurer of a certain wine appreciation club in Colchester is going to be very perplexed and very rich at the same time (but of course, we know it isn't for real because I found a nearly identical letter with the same spelling errors and all up on Scamorama).

Reginald seeks assurances from the 'bank' next...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2003 17:27:58 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Please send all correspondence by e-mail
To: "Union Bank"
CC: "Offor Dede"

Dr. Adams, my good sir,

I had earlier contacted Barrister Offor Dede inquiring
if I would have to pay a TRANSFER FEE in order to
secure the transfer to my account, as is usually the
case with a beneficiary fund. Can you please tell
me... is there such a fee required from me, and if so,
what is the amount of the fee and the preferred mode
of payment? Presumably, your bank can just deduct it
from the US $16M.

By the way, it would be advisable for us to conclude
this business using e-mail exclusively. For reasons
that I have already outlined to Barrister Dede, the
post at 27 Roger's Yew Lane is extremely unreliable.

Alternatively, you can leave voice or fax messages at
my messaging service in the U.S.:

[number omitted]

I look forward to hearing from you anon.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2003 03:56:25 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: please reply
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn: Reginald Buttquest,


How are you today? hope all is well.
Thanks for the attached mail.
All the same we will be waiting for more directives
from the Bank.
Regards.
Barr.Offor Dede.

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2003 08:15:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Do confirm to me.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn:Mr.Reginald Buttquest,

How are you and your family,I hope you all are doind
fine over there in your country today. What is
happening that I have not heard from you since?,I hope
that nothing serious,anyway I want to inform you that
I have gone to make some payment to the Bank last week
as regards to the approvals which they promised me
that they will send to you.

Please as soon as you receive it do confirm it to me
as well for documentation purpose.

Thanks and God bless you and your family.

Barr.Offor Dede.

 A week has gone by since I returned the Dead Bank Customer Form. I'm afraid the idiots have written to the bogus snail mail address yet again. Time for another firmly-worded reminder not to write there, embellished with another animal story, naturally...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2003 17:36:34 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Do confirm to me
To: "Offor Dede"
CC: unionbank_nig@consultant.com

Offor, my dear friend,

I am delighted that you wrote. In fact, I was right
this very moment composing an e-mail to you when yours
arrived. I'm deeply concerned that I haven't heard
anything from the bank for nearly a week. I realise
that it must take a while to process such a
substantial transfer, but they've had 5 working days
now...

Dear god, I hope they didn't make the mistake of
writing to 27 Roger's Yew Lane again. I've told them
several times not to do that! You see, I have finally
discovered the means by which the post has been
disappearing. As you know, I had for a long time
suspected that my wife, the feisty wench, had been
selectively filtering my mail, and was sequestering
anything she deemed to be of importance. But it turns
out that my little poppet is innocent after all.
Indeed, it was she who caught the true culprit - our
pet orangutan, Dustin! She espied Dustin one morning
last week as he casually gathered the post from inside
the front door, scurried out to the back garden, and
proceeded to hide various bits of it all over the
extensive wooded area behind our house. The varmint
even fed a few choice tidbits to Samsung, our pet
goat! I found the chewed corners of envelopes and such
littering the ground as evidence of the foul deed. I
never cease to be amazed at the audacity of this
creature. But as you can see by the photo of Dustin
that I've attached, he does have a mischievous air
about him, don't you agree?

I've tried to salvage the mail that Dustin hid in the
woods, but all that remains is a soggy mess of pulp
due to the unseasonally heavy rains this summer. I
even attempted (foolishly, in retrospect) to prise one
half-eaten specimen from Samsung's mouth, but the
obstinate creature wasn't having any of it and
severely winded me with a well placed kick to the
solar plexus. I'm afaid that just like my poor goat, I
am also reaching the end of my tether!

In any event, I'm copying this e-mail to Dr. Adams at
the bank to make him aware of the situation. Please,
Offor and Dr. Adams - DO NOT send any more post to my
house. It is vitally important that we conclude this
transaction by e-mail or fax! Please acknowledge.

Yours, ever more psychotic,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Attached a photo of 'Dustin'. Chuckle.

UNION BANK

From: "Union Bank"
To: "Reginald Buttquest"
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 05:18:50 -0500
Subject: ATTACHED PAYMENT SCHEDULE.

Attention;Reginald Buttquest,


Kindly bear with us for the delay,it is due to long workers strike
which affected us last week.Meanwhile,find the attached the payment
schedule,study it carefully and acknowledge immediately.

Also may we inform you that every arrangement to move your fund will be
concluded this week.
Thanking you for your usual co-operation,
Dr.S.k. ADAMS.
Director,Foreign Operations
Union Bank Plc.

 Attached was their supposed 'payment schedule', with yours truly being represented by item 5. As if a bank would give out classified information about all its customers! Still, one must play the game...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 14:56:14 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: ATTACHED PAYMENT SCHEDULE.
To: "Union Bank"
CC: "Offor Dede"

Dr. Adams, how are you today?

I received your attached payment schedule, and all
appears to be in order. Is there anything else I need
to do to secure this transfer, or is the $16M going to
just plop into my account like a golden egg laid by
the proverbial goose?

Please advise,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 And then the following 'reassurance' arrives a few hours later from my little scam buddy. They obviously assume they have me suitably softened up and are closing in for the kill...

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 09:39:27 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: GOODNEWS
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

ATTN:Reginald Buttquest,

I received your mail,Thank God,we are moving foward
and I am happy that the Bank were able to communicate
with you.Please what we need to do now is absolute
cooperation with the Bank for things to work out
well.
Remain blessed as I wait to hear from you,

Regards,
Barr.Offor Dede.

 Oh you'll hear from me alright, have no fear ;-)

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 12:46:18 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: GOODNEWS
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, my good man,

How are you today? My heart was filled with joy upon
receiving the payment schedule from the Union Bank. It
looks like things are finally moving in the right
direction! But, as is inevitable in this life, with
every bit of good news there comes a corresponding
dose of sadness to maintain the balance, as it were.
And thus begins yesterday's tale of woe...

Several months back, the police here requested the
services of one of our perennial favourites with the
zoo visitors, Archie the banded African mongoose. As
you may know, not only do mongooses have the ability
to subdue the fiercest of venomous snakes, but they
also possess one of the keenest senses of smell on the
planet. This makes them ideally suitable as
'sniffers', employing them to ferret out drugs and
such at H.M. Customs checkpoints. I was reluctant to
part with Archie, albeit temporarily, because he was
one of the most popular attractions here at the
Colchester Zoo. But it was for a good cause, so I
relented in the end.

In any case, Archie had been on loan to Customs for a
few months, and was beginning to garner a considerable
reputation, his sense of smell easily surpassing that
of his colleagues the sniffer dogs. And a mongoose can
get into places that a dog can't, like right up the
trousers leg of an unsuspecting smuggler!

Unfortunately, this unwanted publicity was tantamount
to signing poor Archie's death warrant. The gutter
press got hold of the story, splashed him all over
page 2, and then several days later... Archie was
deliberately and callously mowed down by a gang of
thugs in a stolen BMW, right outside a checkpoint on
the docks of Dover. They even tossed a copy of The Sun
containing his pictures right near the body so there
would be no doubt that it was a contract killing. So
yesterday was a sad day here at the zoo, and all our
flags will remain at half mast for the remainder of
the week to mark the tragic passing of Archie, the
banded African mongoose.

Ah well, such is life, I suppose. Meanwhile, I shall
pull myself together and wait to hear from the bank
again.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 The 'bank' gets in touch with me the very next day...

UNION BANK

From: "Union Bank"
To: "Reginald Buttquest"
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 05:05:49 -0500
Subject: CONGRATULATIONS.

ATTN:MR REGINALD BUTTQUEST,

CONGRATULATIONS!!! FIND ATTACHED DOCUMENTS CONFIRMING YOUR TRANSFER
TODAY.
THANKING YOU FOR YOUR USUAL CO-OPERATION,

MR.STEPHEN EKE.
DIRECTOR,TELEX/COMPUTER DEPT.
UNION BANK OF NIGERIA.

 Two documents were attached:
1. A copy of the alleged telegrahic transfer of the funds to my account.
2. A letter of confirmation that the transfer has occurred.
Finally, after 6 weeks of 'confidence building' comes the sting. The transfer has actually been made only to a holding bank, and they want me to travel to Ghana to sign a release for it! They'll probably ask me to cough up the $18,255 that Offor has supposedly paid on my behalf before they'll let me go. As usual, Reginald plays along, but with his customary air of caution...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 17:57:16 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: CONGRATULATIONS.
To: "Union Bank"
CC: "Offor Dede"

Dr. Adams, good day to you sir,

I see now that according to the letter I received from
Mr. Eke, that I am required to travel to Ghana in
order to sign for the release of the funds. I...
suppose that I can arrange a trip within the next
week, but I will need some details from you in the
meantime:

1. Do I require a visitor's visa for Ghana? I am a UK
citizen.
2. In order to get away from the zoo at the peak of
the summer season, I will have to make this appear as
a vital business trip. So, could you furnish me with
the name of a game park in Ghana that I could use as a
pretext? Indeed, I might even visit the park after we
have concluded our business, if there is sufficient
time!
3. I'll need the address of your office in Ghana. And
perhaps you could book a suitable hotel for me in the
vicinity once I confirm my travel details? One of four
star quality should be sufficient. I'm well used to
'roughing it' on occasion.

I will contact you with the details of my journey as
soon as I have booked it.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Naturally, Barrister Dede is well pleased with my stated intention to travel to Ghana, right into his clutches. He's practically wetting himself...

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 01:12:46 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: I AM HAPPY WITH YOU
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn:Mr Reginald Buttquest,

How are you today? Hope all is well with you.
Nevertheless I am grateful to you and may I say here
that my contact with you is devine.
Based on your mail,it was boldly written that you will
travel to Ghana to sign the Fund.Honestly this is a
good development that will give us a good opportunity
to meet in Ghana and after your assignment with the
Bank in Ghana,we will then come down to Nigeria before
we will go to London.
Please you will try prepare a solid arrangement with
the Bank before your departure.I advised that whatever
arrangement with the Bank should be communicated to me
so that Ican prepare myself.
It will be most unwise for me to answer for me to
answer all or any of your questions you have directed
to the Bank or comment more than I have already done
on the issues raised by you in your copied mail.At
this point in time,this is the time I will advise you
to co-operate fully with the Bank so that this
transfer will be smoothly come to an end.
please accept the assurance of my highest
considerations and my regards for a happy day with
you.
Waiting to hear from you soonest.
Best regards,
Barr.Offor Dede.

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 14:51:13 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: My travel plans
To: "Union Bank"
CC: "Offor Dede"

Dr. Adams, hello,

No time like the present, I say. I happen to have a
very light agenda next week, so it was an opportune
time for me to travel to Ghana. I have booked flights
going out on next Monday, the 21st of July (arrive in
Accra on British Airways flight no. 81 at 20:25), and
returning on Friday. This should also give me time for
a side trip to Nigeria to perhaps visit a game park
with Barrister Offor Dede and to celebrate our good
fortune. I have attached a picture of my booked
itinerary so you can see my exact travel plans. Thank
god the zoo allows me to travel business class.
Economy is only suitable for the 'great unwashed', I
say.

Barrister Dede, I have copied you on this e-mail so
that you can hopefully travel to Ghana yourself and
meet me at the airport. You already have a photo of
me, but to avoid missing one another, I suggest you
hold up a largish sign that says "BUTTQUEST!" in the
arrival hall. If it's not possible for you to travel,
then perhaps Mr. Stephen Eke could meet me instead?

Dr. Adams, I still require some information from you,
namely: the address and telephone number of the ECOWAS
BANK. I do hope it is located in Accra. I will also
require that someone book a four star hotel for me in
the area. I will only be staying one night there
(Monday). After we conclude our business at the Bank
on Tuesday, I then plan to fly to Nigeria with
Barrister Dede to visit his fine country.

That's all for the moment, I suppose. Could both of
you please confirm that these arrangements are
suitable? I can always re-book, but I'd rather not
unless absolutely necessary.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Attached a screenshot of a booked itinerary that I made on a test system. I just happen to programme travel web sites in my 'real' job ;-) Three days is rather short notice, but I'm anxious to bring this whole affair to a close!

UNION BANK

From: "Union Bank"
To: "Reginald Buttquest"
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 11:35:04 -0500
Subject: Re: My travel plans

ATTN:MR.REGINALD BUTTQUEST,

WE ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR MAIL. CERTAINLY IT IS OBVIOUS THAT YOU MUST TRAVEL
TO GHANA FOR THE SIGNING OF THE FINAL FUND RELEASE AUTHORITY AT THE
ECOWAS BANK IN GHANA(ECONOMIC COMMUNITY OF WEST AFRICAN STATES).THIS BANK
MONITORS AND SUPERVISED ALL FINANCIAL TRANSACTIONS IN AND OUT OF WEST
AFRICAN ECOMOMIC STATES.HOWEVER, WHILE SAYING THIS WE ARE READY TO GUIDE
YOU AND GIVE YOU DETAILS BEFORE YOUR DEPARTURE.

ALSO IT IS PERTINANT ENOUGH YOU GIVE US A DATE OF YOUR DEPARTURE SO
THAT WE WILL DESPATCH OUR STAFF WHO WILL ASSIST YOU WHILE IN GHANA.

SPECIFICALLY, AS YOU MENTIONED YOU WILL REQUIRE A VISITORS VISA FOR FOR
YOUR TRIP. SECONDLY WE WILL NOT BE IN NIGERIA AND GIVE YOU A NAME OF A
GAMES PARK IN GHANA,RATHER WE WILL INFORM THE BANK IN GHANA TO MAKE ALL
THE NECESSARY THINGS AVAILABLE FOR YOU.

DEFINITELY,WE WILL GIVE YOU THEIR ADDRESS IN GHANA INCLUDING THEIR
TELEPHONE NUMBERS IN OUR NEXT CORRESPODANCE TO YOU.

ONCE AGAIN,WE SAY CONGRATULATIONS!!!.

THANKING YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND CO-OPERATION.

DR.S.K.ADAMS.
DIRECTOR,FOREIGN OPERATIONS.
UNION BANK OF NIGERA.

 Hmm. They're actually informing me that I require a visa. How considerate. Better attend to that then. So I begin a little web research to find the nearest embassy... but then the following arrives from the lad.

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2003 02:26:26 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: CONGRATULATIONS.
To: "Reginald Buttquest"
Attn Reginald Buttquest,
How are you today?, hope find. Certainly I am proud
that a sence of silent agreement has been reached
within myself to be in Ghana anyday and time as you
have deceided. However,I have put aside and also put
adjournment the cases I have in Court.

Please permit me to use this opportunity to inform you
to arrange some gift iteams like good wriste watches
for Dr. Adams and Mr. Eke including some other staff
who help us to approve this payment. Also, I will be
grateful if you can help me to buy a SAMSUNG GSM HAND
SET (TRUEI.T 100) for my personal use.

Less I forget, I have put every merchinary in motion
to identify you since I have your photo with me.

Remain blessed as we will prepare to meet in Ghana.

Best Regards,

Barr Offor Dede.

 OK, I can handle the visa situation and the gifts for Offor and co. with a single e-mail...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2003 16:21:26 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: CONGRATULATIONS.
To: "Offor Dede"
CC: "Union Bank"

Offor, my good man,

How are you today? Feeling a touch better than me, I
do hope. It has been a long and trying morning for me
at the Ghana High Commission in Belgrave Square,
London. I caught a train from Essex to London early
this morning, and was forced to queue for long hours
with the dregs of humanity in order to secure my
visitor's visa for Ghana. I am informed that normally
a visa takes a week to process, but my secretary Ms.
Gutta Snipe had phoned ahead for me yesterday (at
least the ungrateful hussy is good for something), and
they agreed to rush through an emergency visa
considering the circumstances. The High Commission
only work a half day on Saturdays, so I won't actually
have my passport back in hand until Monday morning
when they courier it to me at Heathrow Airport. Had to
pay a bit extra for that, but one must do what one
must do, I dare say.

At any rate, I will be sure to purchase some exquisite
watches for Messrs. Adams and Eke at the duty free
shop in Heathrow. And I will have my platinum credit
card all charged up to aid you in buying that GSM
handset, and also to cover any other expenses needed
to secure the transfer of the beneficiary fund. Being
a barrister, you know better than anyone how those
niggling 'additional fees' always manage to rear their
ugly heads at the last moment!

I look forward to meeting you at the Accra airport on
Monday evening. I know that you have my photo, but
perhaps you had also better hold up that "BUTTQUEST!"
sign. People have a way of looking quite apart from
their normal selves after a long and arduous plane
journey, and we wouldn't want to miss each other after
all the effort we have so far expended, would we?

By the way, I'm still waiting for Dr. Adams to furnish
me the address of the ECOWAS Bank. I shall be able to
read my e-mail first thing on Monday morning, but
after that I shall be unreachable until my arrival. I
have copied him on this e-mail for that reason.

I received my yellow fever inoculation early this
afternoon as well, so I've had a pain in the arse
today for more than one reason. At least the resident
zoo vet administers these (we have many zoo staff
travelling to far-flung locations in search of exotic
fauna), but one has to admit that he's probably more
used to injecting his animal charges, and could do
with exercising a touch more care when dealing with
humans. Ouch.

Till then,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Heh heh. I'd give anything to be at the airport just to see the lad holding up a sign that says "BUTTQUEST!". But it appears I'm going to have to change my plans to 'travel' on Monday, as Dr. Adams needs more time to organise the troops for my arrival...

UNION BANK

From: "Union Bank"
To: "Reginald Buttquest"
Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2003 11:48:17 -0500
Subject: Union Bank of Nigeria

Attn Mr.Reginald Buttquest,

We quite appreciate your arrangement and the attached picture of your
Itinerary. It is quite okay but the date is near. Please we will
sincere to ask you to shift the date to at least 23rd or 24th of July to
enable us particularly approve the members of staff who are entitled to
attend the final signing off the fund to you.Also, we will put together
all the relevant documents in connection to this.

The board of Directors of this Bank sincerely apologised to you and the
inconvinences the shift may have caused on you by our inability to hold
to your date. Moreso, It is good to inform you that it is because of
your payment that we are having a very crutial meeting which involed the
Board of Directors of this Bank and we apologies that by monday all the
necessary information you will required from the Bank in Ghana will be
dispatch to you through mail.

We are happy to comment here also that we appreciate the Gift Items you
promised to give us while coming to Ghana. However in all this keep
updating us on your day to day preparations.

Thanking you for your usual co-operation.

Dr.S.K Adams.
Director,Foreign Operations.
Union Bank of Nigeria.

 Damn. I was hoping to bring this to an end sooner. Oh well, Reginald just has to 're-book' for Wednesday. At least it makes his visa story more believable.

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2003 20:17:49 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Union Bank of Nigeria
To: "Union Bank"
CC: "Offor Dede"

Dr. Adams, hello once again,

One of the best perks concerning travel in business
class is that one may change one's tickets at whim
without incurring penalties. Thus, to accommodate the
people at your end, I have just re-booked my journey
so that I arrive on the evening of 23rd July (same
time, 20:25, and same flight no., British Airways 81),
and depart again on Sunday, 27th July. Barrister Dede
has kindly offered to meet me at Accra airport.

In one respect, this shift of a few days doesn't suit
my schedule too well; but in another respect, it's
better for me because the visa processing won't be so
rushed. I shall advise Ms. Gutta Snipe to call the
Ghana High Commission first thing Monday morning and
instruct them to cancel the courier to Heathrow. They
can instead send my passport directly to my residence.
All I need do then is ensure that I'm there at the
appointed time so that Dustin, my devious pet
orangutan, doesn't intercept the post on me and feed
it to Samsung the goat again! I'm afraid that having a
passport food-processed by a goat would indeed render
it useless as far as the immigration authorities were
concerned, and that would certainly put the kibosh on
my trip.

Dr. Adams, you have stated your intention to send me
some documents by mail. Please, I implore you, send
them by *e-mail* or I probably shan't receive them due
to the antics of the aforementioned Dustin.
Alternatively, you can *fax* them to my U.S. messaging
service:

[number omitted yet again]

I shall be in touch with you again closer to the start
of my journey.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Another over-ebullient load of codswallop arrives from Offor next.

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2003 01:09:10 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Grateful to hear from you
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn:Reginald Buttquest,

How are you Mr Buttquest? Hope all is well with your
family.
It is all a wonderful feeling reading your mail.My
motivation increases when I see your cheering
effects.I saw your efforts so much encouraging. Of
course I learn more things and find more enjoyment
from every action you have taken so far concerning
this business.There is no doubt,this business will
bring us together as brothers who has the same focus.
All these explain very highly my expressions.Good a
thing Iam grateful to you that you try as much as you
can to shift your departure to 23rd,which Iam happy we
are on board at this time to finalise this business
with the Bank.Please since you said in your mail that
you are still waiting for Dr Adams ta furnish you with
the information of the Bank in Ghana,It will be very
good if we can get all the relevant information of the
Bank before we can travel.It is beyond all doubts that
at this stage we are at the point of our
celebrations,also I feel that there is every
indication that you will start to make a fisibility
study on how and the areas we will Invest.Please treat
this with seriousness and urgency it rightly deserved.
Waiting patiently to hear more progress from you.
Best regards,
Barr.Offor Dede.

 And that, of course, deserves yet another animal story...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2003 12:01:02 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Grateful to hear from you
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, my good sir,

All is indeed well as far as the family is concerned,
thank you, but I'm afraid we've had another spot of
bother at the zoo over the weekend. Just yesterday
afternoon, one of the kangaroos went berserk and began
attacking a group of Japanese tourists. We're still
not quite sure exactly what provoked the attack, but
I'd imagine that all the flashbulb activity (the
Japanese are absolutely camera mad, you know) brought
on a fit of what we in the zoo business would call
'theme park rage'. As you are probably aware,
kangaroos have extremely powerful hind legs, and it
wasn't long before several of the Japanese were on the
ground having sustained various degrees of severe
injury about the stomach and face. Meanwhile, any of
them still standing were snapping away like there was no
tomorrow, driving the wretched ceature to ever more
heights of frenzy.

In any case, the incident came to a timely yet tragic
end when one of the game wardens, who happened to be
working on a drainage ditch in the vicinity, had the
presence of mind to grab a shovel and beat the crazed
'roo to death with it. Unfortunately, this latest
public relations disaster is going to drive our
insurance premiums sky high. Five of the Japanese
tourists wound up in hospital, two of them on the
critical list. I've already had a phone call from the
Japanese ambassador first thing this morning, and the
man was none too pleased about the whole affair. And
yet again, I seem to be burdening you with my
troubles... but my doctor informs me that it's best
not to hold too much inside. I do hope you understand.

Regarding my pending journey on Wednesday, I shall be
in touch again as soon as I receive further details
from Dr. Adams.

Bye for now,
Reginald T. Buttquest

UNION BANK

From: "Union Bank"
To: "Reginald Buttquest"
Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2003 08:07:05 -0500
Subject: Call them now.

Attn: Mr.Reginald Buttquest,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail and your acceptance in
shiffting the date of your travelling, not minding the inconvinence it
will pose on you. Finally we have concluded our meeting here with the
managment of this Bank and deceided to send a staff to Ghana who will
assist you in whatever form.

Also, we are enclosing herewith the name of the Director of the Bank as
Mr.JAMES EFAN.

PHONE NUMBER;233-24-785907

FAX; NUMBERS 233-24-411788

Please, you are advise to reach him immediately for more advise and get
back to us here. Also, I have informed them to make a reservation of a
four star Hotel for you which they promised to do immediately.

Thanking you for your usual co-operation.

Dr.S K. Adams.
Director, Foreign Operations.

Union Bank Of Nigeria.

 Now they're trying to put me in touch with someone on the ground in Ghana. No way am I going to phone that number, but they also provided a fax number. So... I set up a Faxaway account, sent a test fax to myself to ensure that it worked, and then packed one off to Ghana (only 99 cents/minute). But the number, alas, was not operational. Irate letter to Dr. Adams then!

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2003 19:44:29 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: URGENT: Mr. James Efan's fax number not working!
To: "Union Bank"

Dr. Adams, hello once again,

As you can see below, I tried to send Mr. Efan a fax,
and the number was not working. You can see the text
that I was trying to send him below (under: ---text of
original message follows---). So... could you please
either fax him the original message yourself, or
better still, provide me with his e-mail address?

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

------------------------------------------------

CONFIRMATION OF YOUR FAX TRANSMISSION
FAX STATUS: FAILED
TO: - GHANA
FAX NUMBER: 23324411788
TRANSMISSION ATTEMPT: 21-Jul-2003 16:02:08 -GMT
REASON: Communication Failure.

Additional Information:
We have already attempted several retries for this fax.
Please recheck the fax number and be sure you have entered
the appropriate 1 + area code for USA numbers.
Consult our online User Guide at
http://www.faxaway.com/user_guide/.

We regret we cannot retry this fax again.
Your message file Number is 40585.
Thank you for using FAXAWAY!

---text of original message follows---

Attn: Mr. James Efan

Mr. Efan, hello,

Your contact details were given to me by the
distinguished Dr. S.K. Adams of the Union Bank,
Nigeria.

I prefer to conduct business by e-mail or fax, as my
telephone service is unreliable, so I was delighted
that Dr. Adams furnished me with your fax number.

As you are aware, I am due to arrive in Ghana on
Wednesday evening. I have been informed that you will
book a local hotel on my behalf. I've been doing some
research on hotels in your area, and would like to
stay in the Golden Tulip Accra Hotel, which I
understand is only 5 mins away from the airport. So I
would appreciate it greatly if you could book this
particular hotel for me. I will require it for
Wednesday night only, as I don't know what my plans
are after I visit your bank on Thursday to conclude
the fund transfer.

Which reminds me, I still require the address of your
bank. You can fax me the address, along with the
confirmation number for my hotel booking, to my U.S.
messaging service:

[number omitted, for the umpteenth time]

I await your return fax, and look forward to meeting
you on Thursday.

Best Regards,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Until this moment, Offor had been doing a good job of maintaining the pretense that he and the 'bank' were two separate entities. But now he forgets, and alludes to seeing a piece of correspondence that he was not copied on...

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2003 02:02:25 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: Please Update Me immediately
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn;Mr ,

How are you and your family today?,I hope all is well.
Please it is quite a pity that what I read on your
mail could happen to such level. But all the same, I
beleive that God has taking control.

Also, I hope this will not disturb you from your
journey tomorrow?. How far have you been prparing and
the extent you have gone with the Bank in Nigeria and
the Officials in Ghana. Please do let me know so as to
prepare myself.

Remain blessed as I wait to read from you.

Best regards,
Barr.Offor Dede.

 Reginald attempts to allay his fears...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2003 10:51:22 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: Please Update Me immediately
To: "Offor Dede"

Offor, hello,

Don't worry too much, my kind sir. Everything is still
on for tomorrow. My passport with accompanying visa is
being delivered to the house later this morning. I've
instructed my wife to intercept it directly from the
postman, to ensure that it stays well away from
Dustin's grubby little paws. If all goes according to
plan, I shall be settled into my luxurious seat at
14:25 tomorrow, sipping contentedly on a large gin and
tonic courtesy of British Airways!

I just hope that Dr. Adams can contact Mr. James Efan
on my behalf. I've tried to fax him twice now, with no
success, and I can't seem to get through to him on the
phone either. But presumably we can obtain the address
of the ECOWAS Bank once I arrive, so no problem.

Till tomorrow then, see you at the airport,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 And now it all comes together rather nicely. James Efan finally gets in touch with me, even though his e-mail purports him to be one 'Kings Jojo'. He probably doesn't realise this...

JAMES EFAN (a.k.a. KINGS JOJO)

Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2003 04:42:16 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Kings Jojo"
Subject: RE: YOUR MAIL/ FAX TO ME VIA DR. S.K ADAMS
To: "Reginald Buttquest"
CC: "Union Bank"

ATTN: MR BUTTQUEST

I AM IN RECEIPT OF YOUR MESSAGE, I AM SORRY FOR DELAY IN COMMUNICATION
THERE WAS AN ERROR ON THE FAX NUMBER MR. ADAMS GAVE TO YOU, THE NUMBER
IS 233 21 411788 .

I HAVE MADE SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT TO PICK YOU UP AT THE AIRPORT ON
WEDNESDAY 23rd, I HAVE ALSO MADE RESERVATION FOR YOU AT ERATA HOTEL
WHICH IS MINUTES AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT, IT IS A FOUR STAR HOTEL WITH
INTERNET FACILITIES AND SWIMMING POOL. COMPARED TO THE GOLDEN TULIP
HOTEL WHICH OF COURSE IS FULLY BOOKED.

BASED ON THE UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US AND THE BANK IN NIGERIA WE ARE
OBLIGED TO GIVE YOU MAXIMUM CO-PERATION UPON YOUR ARRIVAL TO GHANA.
I HOPE YOU ARE COMING WITH A VALID VISA TO AVOID EMBARASMENT AT THE
PORT OF ENTRY. PLEASE REMEMBER YOU ARE EXTREMELY EXPECTED TO COME
WITH BPS3,500.00 FOR THE RELEASE OF THE FUND FROM THE GHANA NATIONAL
DEPOSIT SECURITY COMPANY. OUR BANK IS THE ECOBANK ACCRA CENTRAL, ACCRA
GHANA.

WE WILL GIVE YOU THE NECESSARY ASSISTANCE DURING YOU STAY IN GHANA TO
ENSURE A FRUITFUL MISSION. KINDLY CALL ME ON THIS PHONE NUMBER
233 24 785907 FOR FOR FURTHER DETAILS.

BEST REGARDS,

JAMES EFAN.

 They (allegedly) have Reginald's hotel booked, and the amount of the advance fee is *finally* mentioned, almost as a 'by the way': 3500 pounds sterling. Of course, this is only the initial fee. I'm sure there would be more fees required should Reginald be so silly as to actually travel there!

Ah, so the fax number they originally gave me was incorrect. Let's try the correct number then, shall we? ;-)

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: RE: YOUR MAIL/ FAX TO ME VIA DR. S.K ADAMS
To: 23321411788@faxaway.com
CC: "Kings Jojo", "Offor Dede"

Mr. James Efan, good day to you sir!

I am delighted that you finally managed to get in
touch with me. I was becoming worried. Now that you
have provided the correct fax number, this missive
will hopefully reach you. In case it does not, I have
also sent a copy to your e-mail address...

Thank you for booking the Erata hotel, as I see that
the Golden Tulip was full. Also, I can confirm that my
visa was delivered this morning to my residence
courtesy of the Ghana High Commission in London.
Everything appears to be in order. And thank you for
providing the address of the ECOBANK in Accra.

Finally, I would like to remind you that the person
who is to meet me at the airport should carry a large
sign that says "BUTTQUEST!" so that we do not miss
each other. I am arriving tomorrow evening on BA 81 at
20:25. I am assuming we will go directly to my hotel,
and then make arrangements to conclude our business at
the bank sometime on Thursday. I will have in my
possession BPS3500 in cash. I will also have my
platinum credit card available to handle anything else
that may crop up. As you can see, I am taking this
business very seriously.

Until tomorrow,
Reginald T. Buttquest

 Unfortunately, Faxaway was unable to send to this number as well. Matters not though, as I copied it to Mr. Efan's (or is it Kings Jojo's?) e-mail address. It nearly goes without saying that in actuality, I'm taking this about as seriously as an episode of Fawlty Towers! James Efan contacts me before my departure the next morning...

JAMES EFAN (a.k.a. KINGS JOJO)

Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2003 01:59:10 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Kings Jojo"
Subject: Re: YOUR EMAIL RECEIVED
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

ATTN: BUTTQUEST, HOW U DOING.

I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR LAST MAIL, I HOPE TO MEET YOU IN GHANA AS AGREED.

THANKS
JAMES EFAN

 Reginald sends a hasty reply. He needs to get to the station quickly lest he miss his train...

REGINALD T. BUTTQUEST

Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2003 10:31:59 +0100 (BST)
From: "Reginald Buttquest"
Subject: Re: YOUR EMAIL RECEIVED
To: "Kings Jojo"
CC: "Offor Dede"

Mr. Efan, hello,

May I call you James?

Anyway, I am right this very minute preparing to dash
off to Colchester Station in order to catch the 10:47
for Heathrow. Wish me luck! I haven't time to write
anything further...

See you this evening in Accra,
Reginald

 And now, nothing to do but monitor the flight info for BA 81 to make sure it takes off and arrives. It does! This turned out to be rather a close call. British Airways were on strike until Monday evening and I understand there was a huge backlog to be cleared. In any case, about 2 hours after the flight landed, I get a message from the lad acknowledging that they had actually shown up at the airport, but had to leave empty handed...

BARRISTER OFFOR DEDE

Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2003 16:17:09 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Offor Dede"
Subject: PLEASE REACT URGENTLY
To: "Reginald Buttquest"

Attn:Reginald Buttquest,
How are you ? Hope all is well with you.
Please It is quite unfortunate that my son left for
Ghana since morning of 23rd july 03 and I was able to
conclude my days duty just to catch you up in
Ghana.But my greatest surprise is while I was in Ghana
since without seeing you after the BA plane
landed.Please right now I am in Ghana and I will like
to know why you did not come as scheduled.
Waiting patiently to hear from you.

Barr.Offor Dede.

 Of course, Reginald can't respond to this because he's supposed to be in Ghana. But I've prepared a tidy little ending for this whole affair, which I send off about an hour later :-)

ANGUS WRETCH, OF SOLICITORS FUMBLE & WRETCH

Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2003 01:16:56 +0100 (BST)
From: "Angus Wretch"
Subject: WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING DOWN THERE?
To: "Offor Dede", "Union Bank", "Kings Jojo"

Sirs,

Let us make this introduction brief and to the point:
I am Angus Wretch of Fumble & Wretch, a long time
friend of Reginald Buttquest. I also represent him in
a professional capacity as his solicitor.

Only yesterday, Reginald declared to me his intention
to visit Ghana, supposedly in pursuit of a "great
fortune". He would not furnish me with any particulars
concerning this quest of his, promising me that all
would come good in the end. However, he did agree to
allow me access to his e-mail account in absentia,
which is in part the reason why I am now writing this
to anyone who is prepared to listen! And you had
better listen carefully...

In the wee hours of what is by now yesterday morning,
I am sure even before Reginald arose and started to
prepare for his long journey, I logged on to his
account and began reading. There was much
correspondence to wade through, and frankly, being
unaware of all the details concerning the affair, it
took me quite a while to piece the story together (to
make matters worse, you chaps often put everything in
CAPITAL LETTERS so you appear to be shouting all the
time. Quite disconcerting, and you really should
consider buffing up on your e-mail etiquette...) But I
digress. Of one thing I am now certain: Reginald is
dealing with a pack of liars and thieves! There never
was any $16M, was there? But alas, by the time I had
copped that this was all a sham, it was too late to
contact Reginald and prevent him from boarding that
infernal aeroplane.

Notwithstanding the above, what finally goaded me into
action was the extremely disturbing message that
appeared on my voice mail not less than a half hour
ago. Fortunately, my voice mail is attached to my
computer, so I am able to save any recording as a
file. In fact, I've attached this particular recording
to this e-mail... GOOD GOD, what have you fellows
done? You've kidnapped our poor Reginald, it would
seem! I'll tell you straight off, it's not worth your
while holding him for ransom. Reginald talks big
money, but the poor soul spends everything, and
honestly, he's not worth a tuppence more than he has
on him. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the GBP3500
he promised to bring turns out to be more like 3.50!
And his credit card is always pegged to its limit.

At any rate, Her Majesty's Government will simply not
pander to the whims of common thugs like yourselves
when the very lives of members of the Kingdom are at
stake, so you can expect the SAS to be down there in a
flash. Let me assure you, that lot shoots first and
asks questions later. For my own part, I'm having the
Accra airport CCTV footage from the time BA flight 81
landed SUBPOENAED, and it will be carefully examined
back here. For starters, we're going to begin looking
for any character that was holding up a BUTTQUEST sign
at the airport. We might even drag Sir Basildon Bond
of H.M.S.S. out of retirement to tackle this case!
Yes, that's how determined we are to get Reginald
back, hopefully unscathed.

So mark my words: this won't be the last you hear of
me unless you unhand Reginald this very instant!

In anger,
Angus Wretch, B.D.S.M.

 And that, my friends, was that. Never heard from them again. Oh, by the way... here's the voice mail recording I sent them. Heh heh. Final score: Reginald 1, The Lads 0.

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