updated sept 25

From Natalia Sturgeon / Samuel Vimes comes another adventure:

Hi Scamoramers:

Well, I (the guy behind the morporkian masks) was about to retire for a while from the courts of Ladbashing (it takes too much mental time!) when I got this email and I couldn't resist to go for a final one. May this last installement be joyful and witty for everyone and pray for my comeback.

Cast o characters:
MRS. PETER SAM - scammer du jour
SAMUEL VIMES - export expert and all-around good guy
USMAN BELLO/Assistance Security - yeah right
SARAH LA GUARRA VIMES - Samuel's wild daughter
PEDRO SAMUEL - supposedly Mrs. Peter Sam's son
NATALIA STURGEON* - Samuel's lawyer *Appearing courtesy of Actors Equity

From: "jkom2005\@libero\.it" <>
Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2003 13:10:29 +0200
To: "jkom2005" <>


Please don't be surprise by my letter since there is no formal introduction.

Infact, I am assuring you that getting you is a product of a tidy search for honest and responsible partner. But in a berif introduction I am PETER SAM the daughter inlaw of late Chief Egu Ssm from Northern part of Cameroon, the greatest fisherman in Western-sahara region of Africa.

I am a true christain and worship God, I do like any person who can be carering, loving and home-oriented. I will love to have a long term relationship with you and even to no more about you in future if you can help me in this transaction.

My father inlaw owns the largest fishing company in my country, that used to fatch him thousands of US dollars annualy during his life time. He was a King which our town citizens titled him over 16 years before his death.

But because of the broke out of war between my Country and Nigeria over the ownership of Bakaasi-Penucillar. So when Nigerian soldiers invidered the sea side and put every activity into still in 1994. Which resoult to my father's inlaw death of Hearth Attack.

My husband been the rightful person that can take care of his wealth. Out of annonacy sold all his late father's property, since most of our Partners abroad has withdraw from us due to the new developments. He brught us down here in Cote d'Ivoire hoping that the war will extend.

However, he wanted to esterblish a cocoa company here in Cote d'Ivoire but two (2) months after our arrival here, my husband die of mottor accident, may his gentle soul rest in perfect peace.

But glory be to God, who made it possible for him to disclosed some secrets concerning his Box deposited in Security Company here in Cote d'Ivoire. Since I was with only my 20 years old son, and no body to confide with. And by the grace of God, I have the possesion of all the documents and every right of my husband's wealth.

The money involved is the sum of US$15 Million (Twenty-One Million United States Dollars), in a Trunk Metallic Box which he deposited in a reputable Security Company here in Abidjan-Cote d'Ivoire but declared it as African Artworks belonging to his Foreign Business Partner in other to prevent them from inspecting the box.

Up till now, I don't know exactly what to do with this money, so I was advice to look for somebody that will help me to invest this money somewhere in abroad. That's why I felt so happy when I saw your contact because I'm strongly believe that you will help me to invest this money wisely.

I have maped out 15% of the total sum for your able assistance and also 5% for any expenses you may encur during this transaction. Please, what matters to me is trust and confidential because this transaction is 100% risk-free and legaly.

Thanks and God bless,

Peter Sam

Oh, well, the usual story. But I found "her" name very interesting: Peter. Obviously the lad hadn't read very well the DIY-Scam-O-Kit instructions and didn't notice the sex of the character he was going to play. It happens. So Samuel Vimes comes again, to rescue this poor lady in distress. Of course, he has some questions.

Hello my dear lady: Yes, you are right, your letter surprised me very much. I see that you have had a lot of troubles I can't barely imagine, really life should had been hell for you.

Of course I will help you. I am one of the three major partners in an import-export company and I have resources to help you. Would you like me to inform my partners about this business or your plea for confidentiality includes them?

My name is Samuel Vimes, I'm 46 years old, I'm a widow and I have a 16-old daughter, Sarah. Maybe she can write your son, if you like. I enclose a photo of myself so you can know me.

I apologize in advance since is not gentelemanly to ask a lady her age, but please tell me how old are you and, if it is possible, I would like to see your picture.

Also I apologize for this unpolite question but I read that your name is PETER, name I always thought it was a male one. But maybe in Africa it is a woman name and I didn't know.

And, pardon for my ignorance, you tell me that your father in law was a fisherman in the western Sahara region. Isn't the Sahara a desert? What kind of fishes you can get in a desert? Sorry but I'm too curious about that.

What branch of christianity are you? We are Orthodox Bethamithes of the slobovian rite (yes, I know it is a obscure branch, but very traditional and old-fashioned faith)

Well, my dear lady, I'm here, waiting for your answer.

My best

Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork

Yes, Samuel changed religion. As far as I know, the Orthodox Bethamithe Church (Slobovian Rite) doesn't exist, but if it does, my apologies to them. Anyway, my idea was that this religion to be some Greek/Russian sort of thing, but Peter's answer made me change that.
Being coherent with this, I placed Ankh Morpork in the country of Slobovia (a name I think moved in the 80s from an old Mad Magazine movie satire to my mind and stayed there forever), one of the many republics that appeared after the USSR collapse. Da, Kommrade Vimeskov!
Ah, the picture I sent was again the Guillermo Francella one I used with Simbi Tureh. Yes, I have coherence.

From: peter sam <>
Date: Thu, 21 Aug 2003 04:08:34 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: investment proceedure.

Dear Mr Samuel,
I thank you very much mail.
I want to inform you that i accept your are really a sent by God,and through his infinite mercy, will see us through.
Well as a matter of fact, i will want you to assist us claim this boxes my husband deposited with the security company here.
I will have to follow your questions one after other.
The name Peter is our native name,but it coincided with the English spelling.So the name is a female here.
I am a christain and attend protestain church.we attend the same denomination,and by that we will be ╩compatible somehow in certain ramification. My contry is in the central africa,at the sub saharah area of the continent,so we have sea,and that is where the both country are having problems on. I want you alone to handle this transaction,without revealing it to any of your partner,axcept when the need is called,but i believe you can handle it alone,since i have trusted you in this transaction.
I am 34 years old with a son as well.
i strongly believe God has a purpose of using you to help me at this material time.
You can contact me on +225 05957738.
I have contacted the security company our your intention of assisting me in claiming the boxes in their custody,and they promised to contact you later in the day.
Finally i will remind you once again of the trust and honesty that is required in this transaction as i will not want any of us to betray it.
Once again i thank you,and may God bless us as we proceed.
I wait your response.And and dont forget to give me any infornmation the security company gives you.

Ok, so "Peter" is a female name in Ladland. And to reinforce it, from now on he/she began to sign "MRS PETER", just in case I forget he is a woman.
But he is not a very smart lad. Not only for his mispellings, but to say that he/she is a Orthodox Bethamithe too, even when I told her this was a obscure church. I don't know but if I were the lad I wouldn't have cornered me so easily.
So the religion stuff will get more important than I thought.
I don't know what he/she really meant by "compatible somehow in certain ramification". Maybe is hitting on me. I'll keep that for the future.

Dearest Peter:

I appreciate your mail very deeply and sincerely and I apologize for not reply as quick as you deserve but business keep me too busy.
I haven't been contacted by no security company. I hope they hurry, since I feel that you are not in position of lazy delays and procrastinators.
Your plea for confidentialy makes me to suggest to keep everything about this business on email since I can't guarantee the secrecy of telephones, both work's and ╩home's are lines everybody can answer so it can happen that you or the security company call me but another person should answer and I think this is something you don't want, do you?

On a personal level, I'm rather surprised you are an Orthodox Bethamithe too! I didn't know our Church had reached Africa. Who's your Bextor, by the way? Our Bextor is Rev. Philip Charles Lithman, maybe you know him, he's the author of the books "God in Three Persons", "Eva's warning" and "The Garden of Earthly Delights", I'm sure you read them, don't you.

And, of course, I've been a fool. I didn't realize that Sahara was the name of the region that contains the desert and not just the desert alone. So the Sahara also has a sea, look at you, everyday you learn something!

My teen daughter likes to write to kids around the world and I ask myself if your son would like to have some correspondence with her. Her email is, if he is willing he should write there. I guarantee you the secrecy of the operation, Sarah will be told that you are a business acquaintance I met in a recent travel I made to Spain.

I also would love to see a picture of you. If your face is the half of your writing you must be a extremely beautiful woman and I want to know you.

My dear Peter, I must leave you now.

May you be in the Hands of God and be full of His Graze, in the name of Christ, Mary, Elijah and Bethel.

Yours in Faith and Flesh

Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork

My "Bextor" is named after the great guitar player best known as Snakefinger. If you don't know him, go to, listen to the MP3s and learn what is good. Also go to and meet the Residents, band where Snakefinger collaborated till his death in 1987. Of course, the titles of the books are Snakefinger's songs, except the first, which is the Residents' album he was about to add his guitar craftmanship when he died.
Homage aside, I won't let Peter put the Orthodox Bethamithe affair aside. I became a religious fanatic. And yes, "graze" is correctly mispelled.

The security company contacted me! And, oh coincidences, it has the same name of the security company that had Mr Tureh's boxes. "Why bother to have more than one fake name", the lads must have said, "when Assistance 2000 is too cool and professional?" Just in case it loses its format in the webification, I tell you, dearest readers, that the message came all in all caps, arial black, medium size, bold, italic and underlined. Yes, reading it was painfully nice.

From: assistance security <>
Date: Sat, 23 Aug 2003 05:48:49 -0700 (PDT)



TEL NO +225 05 42 89 72.

FAX NO.+225 20 38 60 54.







And Peter also replies

From: peter sam <>
Date: Sun, 24 Aug 2003 06:57:23 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: FROM PETER.

Dearest Samuel,
I wrote to respond to your mail.
like i told you i have given the security company your datas,and they promise to contact you.please do contact me as soon as they write you,and dont always forget to give me every information you get from them.
i am hoping and relying on you as one of the only hope in getting this boxes claimed from the security company,and i do hope you will not betray me. my warmest regards to your kid.tell her my son will write her as soon as possible.
thaks as i wait to hear from you.

Oh, I haven't noticed then! What a pity! Look at the signature! "MR Peter"!
Hey lad, you are pretending to be a lady, don't forget that!

I wasn't to communicative this day, so my answers are short.
To the security guy:

I confirm my intentions. Please, for further communication please don't write in ALL CAPS and try to use a clearer font, your message was barely readable. Thanks.


And to Peter:

Hello Pete!
I was contacted by the seccurity company. They asked me to confirm my intention, which I did.

Please, tell me the name of your Bextor and, if it is possible, his e-mail address. Bextor Lithman wants to contact him and have some church chat with him. Thanks.

May you be in the Hands of God and be full of His Graze, in the name of Christ, Mary, Elijah and Bethel.

Yours in Faith and Flesh


The security guy replies. Once again, if it doesn't get the web in its original format, it was in Univers 55, medium size, bold and italiziced, no all caps. More readable but still a little bit clumsy.

From: assistance security <>
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 04:53:33 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Sir,
I wrote to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.
Well here are the proceedure for the claiming consignments in our custody.
1.We are going to carry a change of ownership of the consignments that will bear your name as the new beneficiary of the consignments.
2.the acculated durmurage fee will be paid either in our head office here or our branch office in EUROPE OR ASIA.

please do communicate us so that we will give you other details involved.

Mr Usman Bello.
Operational Manager.

I let this time go unnoticed the mispelling of "demurrage" and answered with a little bit (well, actually a lot) of sarcasm:

OK, I communicating with you, right now, with this email.
Yes, email is a communication mean.

Give me the details with further delay, Mrs Sam and I have no time for games.

Where are your branch offices? Europe and Asia are big, don't be vague, give the exact address so I can give you an answer.


Fortunately, the company lad stopped toying with fonts. Instead, he got too enthusiastic with money:

From: assistance security <>
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 03:01:03 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Sir,
I wrote to inform as regards the mail i sent to you yesterday.
Well,we will have to carry a change of ownership of the consignments that will bear your name as the new beneficiary of the consignments.
The accumulated durmurage fee is $45.000 U.S Dollar.
The fee for the change of ownership is $3.500 dollar.
The total amount is $48.500 dollar.
We have a branch office in Holland,Britain,Thailand,Malaysia Spain.So any of the contry that is most convinient for you to go and claim the boxes,you are free to do so.we will make arrangement on the shippent of your partners consignment down to any of the offices as the case may be.
So you contact your partner,so that we will prepare the paper work,via and via the shippment.
You arev adviced to respond to this mail as urgent as possible.
Mr Usman Bello,
Operational Manager.

Forty Eight Thousand Five hundred dollars! Isn't it a bit too much for asking just like that?
Anyway, he used the dot to separate the thousands instead of the comma (as is usual in non-english-speaking countries). Let's play with that. After all, the lads assume everybody lives in the USA.
And mispelled again "demurrage". I am not a finance-versed guy, in fact I am nearly a moron in everything related with banks and all. And english is not my usual language. But still, still, I KNOW HOW TO SPELL DEMURRAGE!
Oh, lad, if you want to scam, why don't you get a little bit of information to make your lie more believable?

So Vimes gets a little bit upset with the sloppy lad:

From: Samuel Vimes
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 19:09:18 -0300
To: assistance security <>

As I told you before, don't be vague.

Tell me the EXACT ADDRESSES of your branches in Spain, Holland and Britain. I can't go searching for you in an entire country.

And tell me exactly HOW MUCH I must pay. For your message I'm not sure if it it Forty Eight Dollars with Fifty Cents or Forty Eight Thousand Five Hundred Dollars.
If it is the last option, please BE MORE PRECISE in the details of WHY I must pay that. I am very acquainted with international fees and demurrages (please, spell it right!) and nothing is so expensive.

Please, if you want to do business start acting like that.

No more games.

Yours in the graze of God


Meanwhile, Peter writes:

From: peter sam <>
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 08:49:02 -0700 (PDT)
To: Samuel Vimes
Subject: HELLO.

Dear Mr Samuel,
I wrote so late because i had to travel down to one of the cities to catch up with some old allies.
The most recent development is that the rebel group has withdrawn from the government and has vowed to fight to the last.they even attacked the french troop on peace mission and killed two of its soldiers the political terain is no longer promising for one to stay,and that is why i went to sort out things with one of my friends.
How far the security company.what is pending as at now.please do let me know so that i will know what step to take.
Mrs Peter.

Is the lad telling me the truth? Could it be possible that he really had to go to his hometown and used that to excuse his "Mrs Peter" character? Who knows? Who cares?
Not Vimes, who gets a little bit paranoid when reading of rebels, troops and killings. So he pushes Peter a bit.

Dear Peter:

You message scares me. You never told me you were involved in political struggles. Are you with the rebels or the government? Which is your pollitical beliefs?

And speaking of belief, you keep avoiding to tell me the name of your Bextor. Why? No true Bethamite would avoid telling that. Are you a true Bethamite or you lie me? Are you a liar, Peter?

Why don't you send me your picture, as I did with mine? Or why don't you tell me your son name?

Aren't we friends?

And the Seccurity company asks me for money. Why?

Please, show your true colours. Don't betray me, cos God sees all and you'll pay for bad deeds.

In the name of Christ, Mary, Elijah and Bethel.


The security guy writes back. He tries to outsmart me. As if!

From: assistance security <>
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 10:36:26 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.

This is the break down of the durmurage fee.

I want you to know that we in Africa do not charge the same way with other western countries for your information,and i want you to also know that we are profit oriented business,and we do what we can to maximise profit.We have our own rules here,and it will spelt out comprehensively to our clients before partronising with us.

So our daily durmurage charge in our company here is $50 U.S dollar.

The last durmurage fee was paid as at 27 August 2001 by your partner.You are adviced to ask your partner to send the receipt of the last payment to you..That is $45.750.we decided to make it a round figure for you.

The remaining $3.500 U.S dollar is for the change of ownership.

Well as per our diplomatic agents,you are also advice to choice in any of the mentioned countries which will be more convenient for you,and we will give you all the contact details you want in this transaction.

For more information about that,you are also adviced to contact your partner.


Mr Usman Bello.

Ok. We in Africa do not charge the same way with other western countries, we do what we can to maximise profit. That's what imperialism made to us, poor little bastards, now we became all filthy capitalists with the only purpose of getting the more profit we can, so give us the money without asking and shut up your fucking mouth you racist pale white suprematist! Yeah, right. As if. Vimes' patience is getting thin, so gives them a spelling lesson, a geoeconomic lecture and an offer they might refuse:

Dear Sir

The correct word is "demurrage", not "durmurage".
This gives me the hint you are not a serious company.
I wont pay for no "durmurage".

As far as I know neither Mongolia, nor Chile, nor Russia, nor Slobovia, nor Liberia nor Burkina Faso are western countries (and the last two are in Africa!) and neither of them have such high fees for demurrages. I'll pay no more than 500 dollars for the demurrage and 30 for the change of ownership (the usual fee in those countries), take it or leave it.

Give me the address of Spain, please.

And learn to spell!


Also writes to the silent Peter:

From: Samuel Vimes
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 16:05:53 -0300
To: peter sam <>
Subject: Securities Stooges


Your silence worries me.

And the idiots of the seccurity company are getting my nerves. They want me to pay for something they can't even spell it right, and they want to charge me astronomically high fees.

They say you have some documentation explaining these payments. Can you scan it and mail it to me? Thanks.

And please, be kind as you used to be in your first mails. Tell me who is your Bextor, when you were baptized, where is your church and everything a true Bethamite tells to his/her Brothers in Jesus. Also send me your photo. In need to put a face to your words.

Don't betray me.

Yours in God Almighty

Well, this approach worked and Peter came back.
With a photo and certain attitude. Bad idea, bad idea...

From: peter sam <>
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 03:39:03 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Samuel,

I thank you so much for your mail.i could not respond to your mails as required because where i was as at yesterday i could not have access to internet.please do pardon me for the delay.

Well the name of my pastor is Mr JOHN ALAKUMBA.

The email contact of my son is

So you can give the address to your child so that they could be communicating each other.

I want you to know that your first mail yesterday was not polite enough..i almost became disappointed.but i dont blame you either.

I want you to believe every word i tell you,because as a true child of God,i believe in God!s judgement.There is reward for every sin committed whether we like it or not.when God says every sinner will not go unpunished.he meant it.The bible said,it is impossible for God to lie.That is all for now.

Please see the attachment for my full photograph.

I will send the receipt for the last payment i made to the security company later in the day or first thing tommorrow morning..

I want you to know that i am relying on you as one of my last hope in this transaction as a true and fellow christain,i strongly believe you will not disappoint me.

Lest i forget,i dont want you to misunderstand me,i dont belong to any group as regards the political crises in this country,i only told you that i want us to do all we can to make sure we complete this transaction at the shortest possible time,because the political terrain is tense.The rebel group has vowed to carry out another offensive if ╩the french government and Ivoirian government refused to release their troop in their custody,and i dont want to witness another episode of the war again.i hope you understand my stands.

Thank you very much for your care.i will send the receipt to you maybe latter in the day or first thing tomorrow morning.

Mrs Peter.

Notice the CC address! The lad sent a copy of this mail to some other lad. I wonder why.
This mail put me in a dilemma. There were too many things to get Vimes angry, the CC address, the stupidity of using the word "pastor" when I insisted a lot with "Bextor" (don't they read? is that so hard?), that the bible said that it is impossible for God to lie, the bad attitude.
But, on the other hand, getting angry and so gave me the deja vu, "Am I doing again the 'Simbi Tureh'? Am I repeating myself? Wouldn't I ruin all if I attack Peter?"

Also, Peter now has a face. Of course, that lady can be the aunt of a friend of a friend of the third cousin of Peter Lad but, anyway, "Peter" is not an ugly fat sweaty guy with a bowling shirt, as I always imagined "her".
I also always wonder why the lads don't have the little care of renaming the photos. As it seems, this lady (the original lady) is called Leo. Should I ask Peter if her second name is Leo? What if it is the short for Leopold? Or Leonardo?
It can be. Don't forget, in Africa everything is different to western countries...

Since I have to decide, I wrote this quickie:

OK Pete I understand.

I'm in a hurry, I must go in an urgent business trip. I'll be back on Monday.


Meanwhile, the Security Stooge tries to excuse himself for mispelling "demurrage"

Dear Sir,
I thank you very much for your correction.but i want you to know we are French speaking country and not English,So we are managing to cope.
Bellow is our Agency in Spain.
Contact Person is Mr I.W. Richard.
Address is Financial Security Assurance,
World wide security service,
carrer volta be lamerce,No 3/2-2909002,palmade mallorca,Spain.
Fax no..3434646167950.

You are adviced to contact the agency to comfirm when your consignment arrive for your collection.
Thanks for your anticipating cooperation.
Mr Usman Bello.

No, man, no. No. No. That's the Dalai Lame of lame excuses.
Come here Usman and prepare to receive your spanking

[Scam-o-note: Demurrage is French ain't it? But we demur to Samuel.]

You must be joking me. I can't believe your answer. That you live in a French speaking country is not excuse for your mispell of a word that excedes the boundaries of the English language. "Demurrage" is a word of the financial jargon and you can't call a serious seccurity company if you can't spell it right.

And, FYI, English isn't my primary language but Slobovian. And I don't do business worldwide excusing myself for my usage of English, I learnt the language before trying to expand internationally. If you don't know how to use the international business language please remain in your French speaking country doing business with your French speaking customers and let other people have the chance to go worldwide.

You don't even spell right the address of your agency in Spain. You must mean "Carrer Volta de la Merce" when you write "carrer volta be lamerce", and "Palma de Mallorca" instead of "palmade mallorca". What will you tell me now? That you don't know Spanish?

Anyways, I already told you that I won't pay for anything till you show me documents that prove that the alledged demurrage fee is right and you pretenses are legal.

Please, start acting like the serious worldwide company you claim to be.


Peter responds to my quicky and sends a fake document. Finally he/she is showing some interest!

Dear Mr Samuel,
Good day to you.I hope your trip was fine?thanks to God almighty.
I have attach the receipt of the last payment i made with the security company. so all i ╩want from you is to assist me to travel to their branch office to claim this boxes.but i will warn you on something.i will not want you to allow anybody to know that the boxes contain money not even the security company agent over there.
As soon as you tell me when you will travelling to their branch office in Spain,i will send you the power of Attoney that will enable yoiu to have access to the boxes.
please do inform me on your reception of this mail and your intention of travelling and the trip plan.
I will update you on the fee you will go along to claim the boxes.
Stay blessed in the lord.My warmest regards to all expecially your daughter.
i wait for your mail.

I decided to try a different approach. I'll do the "Leecherous Marry Me Approach"! After all, if They feel free to propose marriage to any lady they contact, why can't I do the same?
So Samuel gets in love with Peter

My lovely Petra!
O, you can't imagine, I spent all my trip thinking of you, reminicizing your beautiful face, your contagious smile, to be kissing your dimples and touching your toes. O I'm raving mad with love and illusion, I can't believe my luck!

And I am happy for you finally told me the name of your Bextor. Now Rev Lithman and I will pray for Rev. John Alakumba's health and happinnes, we will get his Soul touched with the Blessing of the Truest God of All, we will make him walk amongst men like the Son of God he surely is, yes, because that's the Power of our Praying and that's the Power God gave us, to Sanctify those who do Good Deeds and to Punify those who do Bad Actions. For them all the Fire, Brimstone and Treacle of Hell is waiting and We can send it at Will, because our Will is the Will of God, and our Grace is the Grace ╩of God, such is our Power, such is our Reach, amen, amen and amen!

I never told anything to those morons at the so-called seccurity company, I don't trust them. I feel they are crooks and they are trying my patience. If they keep treating me the way they do sooner or later they will taste the Anger of God driven by the Power of my Prayings. I tell you, I'm not a vengeful man but I'm a Soldier of the God of Vengeance and Anger and I will do his Will if I must to. Yes, they will burn in Hell for their deeds.

But I must not judge, not now, I gave them another chance to show me they are serious businessmen. Could you believe that they had the toupee to excuse their clumsiness with their bad knowledge of English? If you want to do business worldwide you can't say something so stupid.

Fuck them!

Anyway, I want to know more about you, about your personal life, your musical tastes, the movies you love, the flowers that turn you on. I must know that in order to make you my wife.

Yours in heart and in the Grace of God.

Yes, Vimes is crazy about Peter. And got a little bit fanatical... too much fanatical. I hope the lads are supersticious enough to worry about the curses Samuel is threatening to put on them. FYI, the "dimples and toes" part is a line from a Residents' ╩song called "Dimples and toes". It is in the "Commercial Album" (1980). Do yourself a favor and buy this record. Now!

And now... on public request... here she comes... the Loudmouth from the Barrio, the Horny High School Chick, the ScamoTeenager of the Year... Mrs Sarah "La Guarra" Vimes!

Yo, man, Psam!
How's hanging?
My old man told me about yah, man, and I thought, hey ho, let's go and write the bro down there, so here I am, writing at ya, bro.
How's yer name, man? Cuz yo mamma no tolda ma pappa yer name, just yer email address. ╩A li'l forgetful yer mamma if I mussa tell, no ofenz. Maybe yo mamma mussa have told yah tha my name is Sarah but all my carnales call me La Guarra, yah know bro, Hot Lips en espanol, cuz I like to eat me a besos with the chabones.
I tell yah I am on grungy alterlatinos bands like Pelado Con Polera, Granos Purulentos, Sobamela and Tripas. I also dig hiphopers like Scum Dubsters, Droogy Poop Dogs, NWBD, Urban Uplifters and Girrlz On Crack, and the punksters of Lesbian Barbies and Backdoor Intruders. Do yah know 'em? What muzik do yah listen, bro?
I also like to go mudskating and moony-jumping with the chichis, but my jovie wants me to do more squeer sports like ski or hockey. What does he think I am, uh? A granny?
Is yer mamma so castrating or she let's yah do whatever yah wanna, bro? I can't see the day I turn 18 and leave da house and no have to respond to such ortiva rompehuevos as my pappa.
But tell me about yah.
Ah wanna know everything about yah, bro. Pleeze tell me yer favourite bands, da books yah read, sports yah practize, etceterç etceterç.
Wet kisses in yer ear, bro!

Ok, ok, this first round was a little bit lazy, those who read the Simbi Story will notice that half of this mail is exactly the same Sarah sent to Edwin Tureh.
Yep, I am not the scambaiter I used to be.
But I promise to get a better perfomance on next messages.

Peter writes Samuel, with good news:

Dear Mr Samuel,
I thank you very much for your care and concern.i am as well thinking of you every minute of the day.i thank God your trip was that successful.
please Samuel what is your plans as par helping me to retrieve this boxes from the security company branch office in Spain,because i was told by the security company operational manager that they have given you the contact of their office in you should tell me when you will wish to travel down there so that i will see our lawyer to draft power of Attoney so that i will send it to you to enable you to have access to the boxes when you arrive there.
i contacted the security company this morning as regards the the amount of money the demanded from you.i have been able to sort out things with them. so all i am owing them is the sum $6,500+the shippment fee and handling fee,which is $10,800 u.s dollar.the total money that should be paid to them at spain is $17.300 u.s dollar,and they will release the boxes to you.i will warn you again and again that on no account will the security company or anybody know that the boxes contain money,because i do not trust the security company and soon as you are able to claim this boxes from the security company,you will tell me so that i will send the key to you.
please do tell me when you will be able to make your trip to spain so that i wil get the power of Attoney and send it to you,and to enable the security company to bring the boxes to spain.
i will wai to hear from you.God bless you for your support and your kind gesture.
Remain blessed in the Lord.Amen.

Oh, good. It seems curse on the seccurity guy made him recheck his maths.
He made a mistake. A 31200 dollars mistake. Spare change. Just a tip.
Maybe the Ladmaster slaped Usman after Samuel spanked him.
Usman also apologies for this mistake

From: assistance security <>
Date: Tue, 2 Sep 2003 05:48:12 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: sorry for the inconviniences.

Dear Sir,
I want to thank you much for your correction.
1. Like i told you we are French people here,we cannot tell you we are perfect in English language.
2.Any wrong spelling at times are typing error you know that.
3.Well i want to inform you that your patner Mrs Peter Sam,was in our office this morning,and we had to sort out things with her.We are sorry to inform you that after going through our documents and files very well we find out that she is having just $6,500 u.s dollar to pay to us as our demurrage fee .
4.the shippment and handling fee is $10,800 u.s dollar.The total amount to be paid to our agent in Spain $17.300 u.s dollar.You can contact her for further explanation.
5.The address of our Agent in Spain is
world wide security servives
carrer volta de la merce No 3/2-2a
07002, palma de mallorca , spain
Contact person:MR I.W.Richard.
Once again we are very sorry for all the inconviniences we might be causing you.
Thank you for your partronage.
Mr Usman Bello.

For some reason I can't explain, I mantain Samuel silent for some days.
Maybe because Peter's son wrote Sarah

From: pedro samuel <>
Date: Wed, 3 Sep 2003 03:12:57 -0700 (PDT)
To: Sarah la Guarra
Subject: hi babe.

Hi Babe,
It is interesting hearing from you.
Yes my mum did tell me about you.all this while i have been wondering on the day i will see how is your health and academic.i am doing well as well. my hobby is dancing,reading and singing,what about yours?
Please do tell your dad that i mum said i should send her warmest regards to you.very soon we shall meet face to face,by the grace of God.
How is your christain life.I hope you are very faithful to God.Remember there is joy in knowing God.and i believe he will always see us through.
i wait to hear ╩from you soon.

That's too good to be true!
The mother's name is PETER SAM.
The son's name is PEDRO SAMUEL.
The father's name? PIERRE SAMOUEL?

The Obnoxious Morporkian Babe replies to Pedro

From: Sarah la Guarra
Date: Wed, 03 Sep 2003 16:14:16 -0300
To: pedro samuel <>
Subject: La Papa para Pedrito.

Hola, Pedrito Bonito!

How's that hanging? Mah healtz iz awfully good, I got all mah teetz and no STM, ever. I don't know whaddayamean about academic but I guess y' means at skool. Well, skool is mierda, chabon, ╩da principal and da teechers hate me and ah hate'em, ╩I'm always in trouble, cuz Ima Rebel, dude, I dont wanna low mah head and say Yessir, Yessir, no man, I wanna go and do da Revolution, cuz dis world needs a change and dat change iz in us, da Young Dudes!

Dat's why I dont wanna talk bout relishum, man. Relishum sucks and divides da world, all da wars are bout relishum. So I tell ya da same I tell mah daddy, keep yer God fer yerself and let's have da party in peace, right?

So yer hobbies are dancin', readin' and singin'. Kool, man!
Whatcha y' sing, bro? Don't tell me "christian rock" cuz dat suck, man! (No, I'm jokin'. No te malcopes, hermano)
I already told ya the music I like, alterlatinos bands, punk and hip hop. D'y' dig'em, bro? Dey're KOOOOOOOL!

And watcha y' read? I finished reading Terry Pratchett's "The fifth elephant". D'y' know Pratchett? He's KOOOOOL too, my favourite author!

I also like to go mudskating and moony-jumping with the chichis, dis are my sports, man, I know dey are rude sports 4 a gurlie like me but I like it rough, if y'know what I mean, he heh he.

Here's a pix of me. Send me one of yours, papirri.

A wet kiss juzt right dere

I wonder what the lads get from Sarah's writing.
I wonder what the ScamoReaders get from Sarah's writing.
I won't translate it, just I'll inform you that some words are from argentinian slang and others from plain spanish.
STM was meant to be STD, but I mispelled for an unknown reason. And I insult Usman Bello for not writing "demurrage" rigth!
The subject, btw, is the traditional parrot phrase ("Polly wanna cracker" in english). And I slipped a reference not only to Terry Pratchett but to a TP Book where the original Samuel Vimes stars. Just to check how far the lad will go in his/her lies.

The picture Sarah sends is from a "teenage model" I found on the web. Blonde, slighty plump dutch gal, with certain "Guarra" attitude.
Probably copyrighted, so it's not here. Go to and take a look of her.

The Vimesian Silence makes Peter worry

From: peter sam <>
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2003 06:27:05 -0700 (PDT)
To: Samuel Vimes
Subject: what is happening.

Dear Mr Samuel,
It quite some days now you have not written me.i hope all is son told your daughter wrote her.
please what is keeping you from writing.
Keep me informed about everything.
Mrs Peter.

So our Man in Ankh-Morpork calms her down. A little. Not much.

My beloved Peter!

I apologize deeply for my delay, but a virus got my computer and I had it paralized for many many days. I could have used another computer to contact you but since you insist too much about the confidentiality of this transaction I prefered rather not to do so.

I still find the sum owed to the seccurity company very expensive, ten times expensive if I must say, since I never had to pay more than 2.000 dollars in equivalent operations, but I guess I must go there personally to sort things out. Anyway, you proved them to be crooks, they made a "mistake" of 31200 dollars, that's quite a bundle of money, don't you think?

I'll try to figure out how to get the boxes from them without paying them nothing. There's must be a way, legal or not.

Nowadays I'm not quite sure when I can go to Spain since my other business obligations keep me tied. If it weren't for your plea of confidentiality I could send Marco Jones, my agent in Spain. He is the most trustful and reliable person I know and I think he can do all the operation in the most complete secrecy, even if we must have to use "non sancti" means, if you understand me. But is your choice. Tell me if you want me to call Marco or not.

On the other hand, I will be very happy if you give me your postal address. I have here a gift for you and I want to send it. Please, it is very important for me and I hope it is the same to you. I think it will change your life. But I say no more, it would spoil the surprise.

See you in the House of the Lord.

Your future husband

Did you realize that Samuel's best man name sounds like "Mark Cojones" if you read with spanish pronountiation?

The securities guy also gets his email from Vimes so he doesn't get jealous of Peter.

From: Samuel Vimes
Date: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 11:51:26 -0300
To: assistance security <>
Subject: Not apologized

It's clear you think I am a fool.
How can you tell me so lightly that you made a "mistake" of just 31200 dollars? Please, your honesty is as big as a flea tit, for God sake!

And I tell you again: in equivalent operations the higher sum I paid was 2000 dollars for the full thing. I won't pay more than that, take it or leave it.

And I tried to call the phone number you gave me.
Unless your branch office is in a whore house, you typed it wrong.

Anyway, I am sorting some things with Mrs Sam and then I'll tell you when I go to Spain.



Maybe I was too hard cos next day there were no lad answers. Sarah, baby, can you do me the favour and check if they are still out there?

From: Sarah la Guarra
Date: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 16:17:54 -0300
To: pedro samuel <>
Subject: Where's my Pedro

Yo, dude!
I have no news from U.
Didn't I look hot enough 4U?

I'm waiting...


Oh, good, Pedro went to the cyber cafe in Saturday.

From: pedro samuel <>
Date: Sat, 6 Sep 2003 07:28:20 -0700 (PDT)
To: Sarah la Guarra
Subject: i am cool.

My dear,
i want to tell you that your photograph has always hunt me as if i offended you.i would have sent mine to you as well,but our scanning machine is bad,and i cannot go out any how because of fear of the political happenning in the country.i want to tell you that you exite me all over.i am imaginning the day i will see you face to face,if not for any other thing,but to kiss your wet lips that is causing sansation round my nerve.
please accept my apology for not sending the photograph to you.i will definately do that on monday.
My sweet heart,i hope to see you some day.
With kisses.

And mamma Peter did the same.
It's always nice to see a family enjoying together the pleasures of digital technology!

Dear Mr Samuel,
I thank you very much for your understanding.i pray the almighty GOD bless you. I read your mail and the contents understood.Like i told you in one of my mails,i will only want you to know about this transaction because of the trust i have established with you,but since you said you trusted this person very well i will not have any other obtion,but to trust him as well for your sake,but i would have prefared you and i to do this transaction.
Well as per the fee,that is the real amount i am owing to the security company.i want you to know that no matter the amont you will assist me with in this transaction shall be paid back to you.
You can contact your friend,but you will send his full information to me so that i will tell my lawyer to prepare the power of Attoney to enable him get ╩access to the boxes when he gets there.But if you think you can for my sake travel to spain,you should tell me so that i will tell the lawyer to start preparing the documents immediately or you send your partners information so that he can prepare the documents and i will send it to you.
If you want to send any gift,you will use.
Mrs Peter Sam.
postal address is 02BP20 ABIDJAN.
Please make sure anything you are sending make sure you register it,and give them my telephone ╩number to them to call me if necessary.+225 05 957738. Do send your partner information so that the power of Attoney will be sent to him,and i will give him all the information required in claiming the boxes.
Finally i want to believe you that he is honest.
Remain blessed in the lord.
Mr Peter.

Again, it's MR Peter in the signature. Yes, maybe is a typo...
Anyway, he/she gave an address. I don't know, but it looks like a P.O. Box address. Pity! It would had been nice if it had been a phisical address and some Law Enforcement ScamoReader had gone there and made an arrest.
Well, maybe the L.E. ScamoReader can go and check. You never know.

Next Monday she writes again

Dear Mr Samuel,
How was your weekend.I hope you had a wonderful one.
How about the last mail i sent to you the last time.i hope you got your my post address.i will be waiting to hear from you as i cannot wait to receive the surpries.
how is the plans on travelling to spain for the collection of the boxes.that is the most important thing for the moment.please include all this in your mail. i wish to see youe face soonest,and my warmest regards to your lovely daughter. Mrs Peter.

At approximately the same time, Samuel Vimes was sending this. It gave me the creeps: Me and the lad online at the same time. Brrrr!

Loveliest Peter

I think about you a lot and I thought you are right.

Also I didn't know you where travelling to Spain too, I always understood that it was just me the one who was going to interact with the so-called security company. Your presence there changes everything for me, since I want to meet you in person.

I think I can manage to be in Barcelona next week, the trip to Palmas is just too easy from there and I can rent a small plane to go whenever you like. Tell me the date it fits you and I tell you if this is possible or not.

Also I thought it was better to use Marco for other "jobs". He is actually investigating the security guys and keeping a strict surveillance of them. I instructed him NOT to use violence unless it was strictly neccesary, but I'm confident that he will act swift and clean if those crooks try to do wrong to us.

So, since we are going to meet, I think it is better to give you the gift in person. Oh, you are going to love it!

Bextor Lithman contacted Bextor Alakumba and he told me he is a saint, what he is doing to save those poor little kids is remarkable. Why didn't you tell me you had such a good man for Bextor? You should be proud of him! In fact, I would love to meet him, and I think a good ocassion can be next St. Betham's Day, don't you think? We can join to him to the celebration and get full of God's Graze and Hop, we can even ask him to marry us, nothing would please me more than that, such a Blessed Man bonding the Holy Union within you and me, turning US into WE, making from our bodies One Body, restoring the Primaeval Androgyne, Bringing Back the Rib God took from Adam, oh, that would be so beautiful!

Eagerly waiting for your answer

I hope the lads get frightened by Marco. I imagine them, getting paranoid to any suspicious looking guy near the "branch office". Btw, what happened to Usman Bello? And why he never explained why Samuel reachs to a whorehouse everytime he calls the office?

Now I wonder: When Peter told Vimes that her Bextor/pastor was John Alakumba, the lad can be either lying or telling the truth. If he was lying, it can be either a real person or something he made up. Only in the case that John Alakumba is a real person and the lad doesn't know him can be possible that "Peter" can buy Vimes' statement that Bextor Lithman contacted Alakumba, in the other two options "Peter" would know that Vimes is lying.
And the following rant doesn't add much credibility to the sanity of Vimes, don't you think?
Whatever ...

Sarah writes Pedrito, just to maintain the contact.

From: Sarah la Guarra
Date: Mon, 08 Sep 2003 12:08:31 -0300
To: pedro samuel <>
Subject: You are hot!

Hola mi Pedrito Riko!
U kan't ╩imasheen how happy I wuz 4 rezeivvin' yer mail!
But I kan't underztand why my pix hunts you? So ugly I look 4U?

No, don worry, be happy, I'm just teazin' U. I know what U mean.

I anxioux to get yer pix. I'm touchin' my chucha just imasheenin' yer looks, yer body, yer tushy, yer manhood.
Pleese show me yer meat!


Mommy Peter finally got hooked on Don Juan Vimes' marriage proposal. But turns her groom down and tries to get some extra money.

Sweet heart,
I thank you very much for your concern.
yes like you demanded i should personnally come over to your country so hat we can go to spain ╩together.i would have wanted us to do that as see the reason why i wanted you o go there and claim the boxes for me is becuase i am personnally down ╩financially.and the only way i can raise money is to claim the boxes.You know i cannot have access to the boxes unless i pay the balance of the dermurrage fee i am knowing to those crooks who wanted to dupe us by inflating the fee.If you can be able to claim this boxes,you will from the boxes send money to me for my ticket and expenses to enable me to ╩come over.i would have loved to come right away,but i am not bouyant.why dont you go and claim this boxes for me,and you will remove $10.000 u.s dollar from the boxes after you must have claimed it and send to me to assist me in my ticket and other espenses involved in my coming over to your country,but ╩if you think of any alternative,please write me today so that i will know what to you.
i will thank you for everything you have done and are doing to enable me complete this transaction.May God will reward you abundantly.
Mr peter.

Ah, woman, woman... ! Ten thousand dollars for a ticket and expenses!
I'm not much aware of the cost of airplanes fares in Africa but I guess it won't go higher than ONE thousand dollars. So, what are the remaining NINE for?


Don't worry. You have an airplane ticket to Paris for you waiting at Abidjan Airport, in Air France, ╩flight AF 703, departing at 21:35 hours next Monday. I'll be waiting for you at the Charles de Gaulle and we will go from there to Barcelona and then to Palmas.
I hope this is OK for you.
Go to the airport and claim your ticket.

Yes, the flight is real, all from Air France site (curiously, I couldn't find the fare). I can't wait to hear about Peter going to the AF counter in the airport and not finding the ticket.
When I wrote this mail I thought I was outsmarting the lad, that I was fooling him/her, but now, compiling the messages and rereading them, maybe it could be what the lad really wanted me to do and I was fooled. Or not. I don't know if you can actually send somebody a plane ticket to an airport and this somebody can have it with just saying that he/she is that somebody. I think you'll have to show some documents or something and I have had to stated that information when I bought the ticket.

Anyway, since I'm lying it doesn't matter if I fooled the lad or he fooled me, ╩let's call the whole thing a tie. Or a hankerchief. Or a glove.

But the lad is silent. Oh, I scared him!
Maybe he/she went to the airport and realized I had been making fun of him.
Let's check...

From: Samuel Vimes
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2003 12:29:33 -0300
To: peter sam <>
Subject: Worried

My love:
Did you receive my last email?
I tried to call you but the phone was disconnected (or that's what I understood, because the message was in French).
Are you OK?
If these crooks at the security company had touched only one of your loveliest hairs I swear they will regret having crossed Samuel Vimes!

Please, write me!
Your Samuel

One exact hour later...

From: peter sam <>
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2003 09:27:49 -0700 (PDT)
To: Samuel Vimes
Subject: AWAY.

Dearest Samuel,
I read your mail from the economic capital yamousokoro.i will be back to Abidjan Tomorrow.As soon as i arrive,first thing i will comfirm the ticket and start making preparation for the trip.How caring and lovely could you be.I wish and hope to set my eyes on you.
Thank you very much.God will really bless you.
Please if there is any other information i need,do tell me so that by tomorrow if i am in the airport,i will not make any mistate.
Mrs Peter.

We are still playing!

Oh thanks!
Your answer makes me get more comfortable.
My worries are gone!


Sarah tries to revive the sleeping Pedro. Maybe he got tired of not understanding Sarah. I'm her father, Pedro, and I tell you that getting what this kid means is not an easy task. I simpatize with you.

From: Sarah la Guarra
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2003 15:22:15 -0300
To: pedro samuel <>
Subject: Whazzup?

Oi Scumbag!
Whatchadoing twoday?
I miss U!
U promised a pix on Monday and twoday is Wednesday. Ima-waiting 4it!

PS: I enclose oder pix 2 hunt U!

She sends another picture from the same girl. She is wearing a very very very short & tight blue dress (she has to pull down the skirt to have her butt covered), showing her rear and turning her head to give a kiss to Pedro while her curly red hair falls down her back.

Mommy Peter comes back to town.

Hi Samuel,
I will be in the town today to comfirm the ticket.i will get back to you as soon as it is through.
stay awake and be your very self.My regards to your daughter.
Mrs Peter.

"Stay awake and be your very self"? What's that supposed to mean? If this is a valid english expression I never heard it since today. Whatever.

An hour and half later, Peter writes again.

What Happen.i just arrived in Abidjan,went straight to the airport to comfirm the ticket,but was told that there is no name like that.what is the matter.anyway they asked me to comfirm from you the reservation sit.please do that immediately so that i will know whether to start the preparation or not.
i hope to hear from you.
Mrs Peter.

How does it feels to be cheated, Peter?
Of course there were no tickets for you at the airport, they are as real as the trunk boxes, the millions from your husband, the security company, your son and you. They all exist in a beautiful fantasy land where misterious foreigners die in plane crashes leaving no relatives and oil companies cheat the governments (wait, wait, these exist in real world too!)

But Vimes, a fictional character himself, actually bought the tickets so he is worried about these news.
And the news from Marco Jones don't help either.

Your email fills me with a lot of perplexity.
Are you sure you went to the Air France desk and you asked for a plane ticket for Mrs Peter Sam on the flight AF 703 to Paris for next Monday?
What I don't know is the seat number. Better said, I left it to you to choose it since I didn't know if you liked window or aisle.

Anyhow, don't tell the security company you are flying to Paris. My man Marco tells me that they are up to shadier things than we imagined, his sources even said that they are planing to kill us and get the money from the boxes (somehow they know the content of the boxes your late husband left in consignement!) I'm worried but I have taken measures to have our asses covered in case these crooks get violent or anything like that.
I also personally contacted Bextor Alakumba to help you to get out from Cote d'Ivoire safe and sound. He is a really Holy Man! May God bless his Soul!

Are you sure you want to continue with this?
I feel all the business is getting too dangerous.
Marry me and I swear you'll never have again the need of money, clothes or any luxurie you want.
Forget the boxes and let those crooks rot in their own bile.

Your loving future husband

Yes, the "pumpkin" typo is intentional. "Pump King", get it? (yep, as funny as a boil in the bunnion, whatever that means [yeah, my use of english can be as weird as the lad's [yessir, I opening too many brackets]])

The chances that the lad buys this farfetched twist in the plot are very few, but it can happen. Cross your fingers.
If he does he is an X-treme Liar... or a stupid.

Some minutes later Vimes posts again, just to break the patience

Sarah just came from school, checked her mails and found none from Pedro even when she sent a lot of messages to him.
Is he well? Or is he mad with my Sarah?

I hope these two get along very well. After all, they will be brothers soon!

Next day, Peter writes. And any doubts about his/her sanity are cleared now: The lad's brain is on vacation and left the liver in charge:

From: peter sam <>
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 05:10:19 -0700 (PDT)
To: Samuel Vimes
Subject: Thanks.

I got your mail.i thank you very much for your concern.But i want you to know that i am the type that believe in politician said something."call me a dreamer,call me a crusader,call me a revelutionalist,or anything you wish.i have seen the light in the far horizon which i intented to reach,either alone or anybody that wish to go with me".what i am saying is that i will follow this transaction to the logical conclusion.
Well per your marriage proposal,who are my to say no.i believe we both are destine for each other.but i advice we discuss that later.
My son told me your daughter wrote him.he will contact her maybe later in the evenning.he is a very busy do tell her he is feeling her as well.
please do what ever you can so that i can come over and lets finalise this ones and for all.
i will wait to hear from you and the comfirmation if any.
God bless you.
Mrs Peter Sam.

The quote is from Malam Aminu Kano, a Nigerian revolutionary, and it really goes this way: "I can't tolerate all these things because of their awful smell. I am prepared to be called by any name. Call me a dreamer, call me a crusader, call me a revolutionary or call me anything... I have seen the light on the far horizon and I intend to march into its full circle, either alone or with anyone who cares to go along with me, and to these same suppressors of our people I say watch out! Africa is no longer a sleeping giant."
(No, I didn't know it before. I searched the web)

Well, if the previous message from Vimes didn't scare Peter, this will do:

From: Samuel Vimes
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 16:45:30 -0300
To: peter sam <>
Subject: Peter I love you!

Beautiful dismay of my heart!
Yes, of course, your quest is my quest, your light is my light, your ectasy is my ectasy!
Another wise man said it better: "One has to have a great dose of humanity, a great dose of the feeling of justice and of truth not to fall into extreme dogmatism, into a cold scholasticism, into isolation from the masses. Every day one has to struggle that this love to a living humanity transform itself into concrete acts, in acts that serve as examples, as motivation."
Believe me when I say to you, no body can look after himself before turning it over again, my dear. So I made things go loose for the release of the boxes. I'm contacting the security company to tell them that we will be in their Spanish offices on next Wednesday, around 2 O'clock in the afternoon.
Oh, I look forward to meet you and get all this fucking business ended and both of us swimming naked into a pool of dollar bills after we killed those securities crooks and feasted on their blood and entrails. Cos the prophet St Betham once said "He who crosseth one of my Child, crosseth the Lord and shalt perish the death of the impious".

So I say farewell till next Tuesday, when we will meet at the De Gaulle Airport. It is nice to read that the trouble with the ticket was solved and became a thing of the past.
Now Sarah and I will depart to the forest of Brzwozklav, to perform the Rithual of St. Nerthold and St. Kursulla, that father-daughter bonding ceremony that holds Our Faith together and prepares us for the Battle with the Forces of Evil. Yes, I long for that, we two alone in the woods, with no food, no tent, no weapons, no clothes, surviving only with the Word of the Lord like these Saints did in 1066... but, why I'm telling you this? You must already know the story of Nerthold and Kursulla, every Bethamithe knows it... oh, I am a fool, a fool in love, because my bride waits for me in Paris, because my bride will give me millions of dollars in dowry...

Oh, Peter, I love you!

The quote is from Che Guevara, the incoherence is mine.

As promised to Peter, I wrote the security guy telling him that we will be there next Wednesday:

Monsieur Usman Bello:

Madame Peter Sam et moi voulez etët avec vous Palma offices le Mercredi prochainee.

Achendez-nous pour le relesÉement des boötes.

Nous seront avec 14 heures le Mercredi prochainee.

Aux revoir.

Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork

Of course, I didn't tell him in English. He has troubles understanding that language. So I tried in French.
The problem is that I know little of French so I made up the words.
Let's see what happens.

[Well what good is a language if you can't make up words in it.]

No news from the security guys. Maybe this lad realized I am not serious.
But not Peter.


Good day to you.What are you talking about the ticket.i did not tell you that i have done anything about the ticket.look,i will arrange to come over to your country if i could get the ticket from an alternative if you cannot buy the tickey for me,please send the money for the ticket so that i will buy it over here.what baffle me much is your reaction to this transaction.please and please i want you to respond to this mail so that i will tell you how to send the money since you caanot buy the ticket for me.i want you to know that i am requesting this from you because i am not bouyant at the moment.the only way i could have access to money is only when i must have retrieve this boxes from the security company.

i will wait patiently to hear from you.

Mrs Peter.

But Vimes is in the woods with Sarah, so he doesn't reply.
Two days later, Peter insist.

Good day to you.
i have made all the arrangement for the shippment of the boxes.
Please do contact the security company in Spain if the boxes has arrived.
How about my last mail i sent to you as regards the ticket fee.please keep me abrest as i am eager to know.
yours darling,

But Vimes is still in the woods. He told Peter they would meet at Paris.
Peter should have read that.

So, although I reeeeaaaally want to answer Peter, I stick to my original plan.

BTW, Pedro is back, with metaphores and poetic language.


You know, sometimes you find yourself in a situation when you see a plot point coming, where to must choose between going on along the same path you have been walking all this time, do the "I waited for you at Paris Airport, bad woman" thing or, as the flip of the coin determined, do what follows:

Att. Mr Peter Sam:

Dear sir:
In my duty as Samuel Vimes' secretary is my sad duty to announce you the passing of Mr. Vimes.
He died in the forest of Brzwozklav, while camping with his only daughter Sarah, presumably attacked by wolves although the police doesn't discard another causes. His horribly mutilated body was discovered yesterday evening by a group of boy scouts that happened to be passing by.
Although the police is waiting for the results of the DNA test to declare Mr Vimes officially dead, a tattoo on the half chewed arm found at the creek allowed to identify as belonging to the late Mr Vimes.
His daughter Sarah was nowhere to be found and still there is a slim chance that she might be alive, so the search continues.

Even though it is a time of great grief and uncertainty, I made a brief and superficial revision of Mr Vimes' notes and personal affairs, and I noticed you had some commercial relation with him, although he didn't specified exactly which it was.
So if it is anything I could do for you, please inform me.

Yours truly

Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork

Yes, Natalia is back. And Vimes is gone forever. And Sarah? Who knows... poor kid, naked in the Slobovian woods, watching her father being eaten alive by wolves... maybe she is mad, or already dead. Future will tell.
Anyway, notice that Natalia assumes Peter is a man. Let's see if the lad sticks to the female gender...


He does. He still claims to be a woman. A coherent lad he is.
Peter doesn't seem too touched for the news. Cold bitch! He was going to marry YOU!

Natalia answers a day later:

My respects:

In this sad hour is to hard to believe in anything, much more in the Justice of the Divine. A good man like Mr Vimes doesn't deserve to die while there are genocides and dictators alive and free, bringing nothing but sorrow and misery to the world.
I wish I have your faith in God that lets you stay at His Side. In my case, things like the horrible death of Mr Vimes do nothing but make me drift away from Religion and God.

Our only hope is that poor Sarah is still alive.
Poor child! Motherless, now fatherless, she will be alone in the world. Not even the enormous fortune she will inherit can fill the hole that this tragedy will leave in her soul...

The service in memoriam of Mr Vimes was held yesterday and his rests were buried at the Ozrovv Cemetery in Ankh Morpork. The service was conducted by Reverend Phillip Lithman and the eulogy was very touching. I wish you could manage to visit his tomb and pay your respects for the poor man.

About the business you were conducting with him I cannot understand it very well. You mean that you put 15 million dollars in cash into a box and left in a security company? I didn't know this can be done, and I cogitate it must be a very big box to contain such a enormous ammount of notes.
I also don't understand why you need help from another person to claim that box, since it is marked as "Family Treasure". Are you the rightful legal owner? Because I don't want to get myself into something that would lead me to have troubles with the police.

Finally, don't be offended by this question, but I find that you sign "Mrs." although your name is a masculine one. Are you a man or a woman? Is Peter your first or last name?
Please, don't feel insulted by this question, but I want to know how to address you properly.

Yours truly

Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork

Sorry that Natalia comes back to the "Peter is a man name" thing but she hasn't read the mail Peter sent to Vimes... and I wanted to break the lad's patience a little bit more with this stuff.
Notice the "enormous fortune Sarah will inherit" hook. Maybe I'll make the teen get out of the woods someday and Pedro proposes her. Lazy lad, Sarah gave him her heart and he ignored her. The bastard!
And it seems that this story will get much longer... Oh, my... and I wanted to leave the vice!
Wait for part 2!


Hi Scamoramers:

Here is part two of this long, long story.
Samuel Vimes is dead, Sarah "la Guarra" is lost in the woods and Natalia Sturgeon, acting as Mr Vimes' secretary, has taken the task of scambaiting a lady named "Peter Sam".
And the story follows with this touching mail from Peter:

From: peter sam <>
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 03:15:42 -0700 (PDT)
To: Natalia Sturgeon
Subject: i wait for your mail today.

I thank you very much for your response.
I do not know how and where to start.i want you to know that my dream and future has been shatered by the death of Mr might not really understand what he meant to me and my future.Since the death of my late husband,i have never heard any joy until i met this God send Samuel into my life,not because he wanted to assist me claim this box from ╩the security company,but because his word gave life back to me.i pray his gentle soul rest in perfect peace.
Well the fact is that my late husband deposited this box with the money on our arrival to this country on the ground that,we could only have access to bank account in this country when we must have gotten our residential permit,and we were new in the country then.moreover,it was not save and proper for us to keep all this money in the house where we were became appropraite for him to took the money sealed it in the box and deposited it with the security company,for security reason..The fact is that the security company does not inspect consignments kept in their custody,hence they do not know the contents in the box.
Why i need help is because of the little accumulated dermurrage fee that i am owing to the security company.they cannot allow me to have access to the box unless i duely complete the payment.
i will send the certificate of deposit that was issued to my husband on the day he deposited the box for verification as there is no reason to fear.
The security company has already made plan on the shippment of the box through their diplomatic agent as soon as we pay the fee we are owing to them.and with this we will not be any problem.All we need is trust,honesty,and sincerity in this transaction,and that is the thing that bind Mr samuel and myself together. As regards my name,it is unfortunate that the name coincided with the english speeling.the word peter is our local name,but it is spell the same way with english,and it is for female.
Finally,do tell his daughter that i am sincerely sorry for what happened.i will be her parents that is the oath i have taken as soon as i finish this transaction and come over to your country.
console her for me.
God bless you as i wish to hear from you today so that we can proceed.
Mrs Peter.

Ah, you naughty lady! You want the money for the demurage but you don't offer Natalia nothing!
That is too much!

Unluckily for Peter, Natalia is no fool, just plays one.
BTW, prepare your handkerchiefs:

Esteemed madame:

As you say, this is a horrible loss and many lives are shatered for this tragedy. I still can't recover from the shock, so I beg your pardon if I cry while writing this mail.
Mr Vimes was a gentle man, kind with persons and animals alike, and maybe that was what led him to his terrible death. I have the suspicion that he wanted to follow the way of St Francis of Asis and tried to hug his "Brother Wolves". But, alas!, the wolves didn't undertand the brotherly love Mr Vimes profesed and ripped his flesh and slained his soul.
Life is so unfair. While saints like Samuel Vimes are killed, hundreds of evil persons walk and breath fearless, bringing doom and destruction to our battered world. My father used to say that in the Battle betwen Yahweh and Satan it was the Devil who won and called himself God. And Mr Vimes' death is the proof that Yahweh was the bad guy and Satan the true God.
But, as you must know, Religion is the opiate of the masses, a tool that the Evildoers use to have us meek and dominated, enslaved under their reekful dominion and selling our freedom and our Soul to the grinding machinery of Consumerism and Vanity.

But I pomegranate.

Excuse me but I can't really understand the nature of the business you were conducting with Mr. Vimes. Are you telling me that he promised you the money to pay the demurage fee? If so, here's another proof of his goodness and giving, I never saw another man who was so handloose about money... and anyway he made a fortune in the import/export business.
Anyway, since Sarah hasn't appeared yet, Mr Vimes' state and fortune is unaccesible and if poor Sarah is dead (may she not be!), the Governement will keep it, unless the next of kin and legal heir appears. But this will be impossible, since all Vimes family was Sarah. I thought to ask some friend to act as a next of kin and claim the fortune but my friend declined, he says that this would be a fraud and that we will end up in jail. I don't know if he is right or not. Maybe I'll take the risk and ask another person... it's such a shame and a pity that all the millions Mr Vimes earned with the sweat of his hard work would go to feed those fat bastards at the Govt., don't you think? But again I am derivativating. May I ask you from what country are you from and where are you right now? Because you say "my country", "this country" and so, as if I knew what are you talking about. Also you mention your intentions of coming to Slovobia? May I ask you why? Our country has nothing to offer to foreigners but segregation and misery, you will end living in slums and working as a maid or worse. If you want to take my advice, stay where you are or go to a better country, like Cuba or Japan, where people are cared and respected.

And excuse me if I keep asking this, but I am very fond of the origin of names and their meanings. Can you tell me the origin of your name? Because I never learned that existed a place where "Peter" was a female name. Please, don't offend, I'm not calling you a liar (bless me!), I'm confessing my sheer ignorance and curiosity.

Finally, I ask you, since you still have faith, to pray for Sarah. The poor kid must be suffering a lot, lost in the woods, with no food, no clothes, no nothing, left alone to the inclemency of weather and wild beasts and the leecherousnes of woodsmen and werewolves. She must be in shock, poor thing, hiding in a small cave, perhaps eating rotten roots and leftovers from campers and predators. Another proof that Heaven doesn't care about Its creatures and treat them as straw dogs.

Life is unfair Mrs Sam.

Guild of Foreign Goods Unlimited
13 Pseudopolis Yard
Ankh Morpork

When you stop crying, go on reading.

Since this is my last story, Natalia makes real one of my/her/everybody's fantasy and makes a "dead stranger - be his next of kin" 419 to Peter. Do you think that Peter will get it?
Or would he/she discover that I am teasing him/her?

Glad to hear from you.
Well,i want you to know that anything that is happens to anybody is never an accident to God.I want you to believe in the superiority of God.i want you to know that if ╩this is dearth has not occured,maybe another thing worse than this would have happened.
i want you to know that this transaction is 100% risk free as there are all documents in respect to i told you,i will send the certificate of deposit to you.the change of ownership will be prepared in your name together with the power of Attoney that will give you the legal backing in this transaction.I also did mention,the converance of the box containing the money by the security company through their diplomatic agent. please i want you to make up your mind and help me out in this time of my distress.I wish Mr Samuel had been alive,i do not think i will be encountering all this problems.
The country i am staying now is COTE D IVOIRE.The war torn country.The problem at hand is that the rebel has vowed to carry out another offensive so long as the federal government has refused to impliment the peace agreement.And my contnue stay in this country might be disastrous to me.That is why i want you to assist me so that we can get this box claimed from the security company. please do all you can as i wait to hear from you.
Mrs Peter.

Natalia attempt to scam Peter goes unnoticed. Also many of the questions she made and some of the things she said to the lad, since he/she writes as if Natalia is aware of the mails with Vimes. Hadn't you asked secrecy to Samuel? Well, he kept it secret, you fool!
Natalia begins to feel a little bit uncomfortable about all the business. After all, she only wanted to be polite, not to assume Vimes' commercial responsabilities.

My apreciated madaam:
Glad to read you too, although, I must confess, a little bit confused.

Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but I don't know for sure which was the business you were conducting with Mr Vimes. You write as if I already was informed about what was going on and, therefore, you assume that I know things I really don't know.
Mr Vimes was a very good man but he was also very paranoid and full of secrets. One of them was the business he was doing with you, all his notes refering to it and the emails you exchanged are heavily encrypted in a password protected folder and I can't access to them. My boyfriend Vaslav, who worked as a cryptoanalist at the KGB, is helping me to work them out.

So I need you to be kind and inform me as if you never had any contact with Mr Vimes, because I ignore so any things about the business.

For example, you don't tell me which is the ammount of the demurrage fee, nor what benefit I have from this opperation. You know, I'm just a secretary with a fair salary and I can't just go lending money to people in distress just for solidarity's sake.
Also please, tell me your country of birth and the origin of your name. My apologies for being so suspicious but I can't afford to trust to anybody that claims to be honest. Don't get offended, but if your intention is to earn my trust you are doing a lousy job.

I want to help you in order to honor Mr Vimes memory but you must help me to help you. It's impossible for me to help somebody who doesn't want to cooperate in the helping process.

In other aspects, you write that "if ╩this is dearth has not occured,maybe another thing worse than this would have happened". What do you mean? Is anything worser than death?
Are you threatening me?

Sarah is still nowhere to be found. The police had a hint but it led to a dead end. We called a psychic to help us find her. Madame Volodiavski (the psychic) can't tell us where is she, but that she is alive.
Pray you that you can that Sarah appears soon.

Anyway, I repeat my plea: Be kind and explain me the full stuff, I can't understand double entendres.

My best regards

Later that day, Peter received this disturbing mail from Samuel Vimes' thug, the infamous Marco Jones.
He is not an educated man, he was raised in the mean streets of Malaspina and knows little english, less than the lads (which is too much to say):

From: Marco Jones
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 16:36:40 -0300
To: peter sam <>
Subject: Good morning

Madmoacell: Moan too inform the deaht into my pattern to him Mr. Samuel Vimes.The oficial infrom say it was devored by wolfs but I beleave there is somthing dirty behind all, and cee the dark hand of the wretches of the security company Usman Below. You not beleave me naw but you beleave me lather if I tell you the turth about it and wat I new. But also I want to warn too him that I now that you were not as honest as my head thouht and that you were trying to swindle it and, even, too kill it. So if you love its life and does not want to sufer an axident I reccomend too him that it pays 20 million too me and buy me silence. My safe head said too him that I am a very dangerous man of resources and. I do not want too do damage too him, I I have my appraise and want that she pays herself too me, understood? It does not take it as a treat but like a proposal from business. Call me 1-504-589-4041
Always your.

Marco Jones

Yes, it was done with an automatic translator and a little doctoring from yours truly.
I wish you understand what Marco means. I wish Peter doesn't.
The phone number was taken from the "Ignatius Reilly" scambaiting story (an excellent one, my kudos to its perpetrator, if I didn't know Kennedy Toole is dead I could have assumed you was him) and alledgedly is from some Secret Service.
Would Peter call? Would discover (at last) that we (the mad morporkians) are making fun of him/her?
Or is Peter making fun of me?
That is something that always intrigued me. Do the lads know that they are being object of their correspondents' dark humor and go on with the prank? Or are they so naive they don't notice?
My personal experience tells me that they are fools and they don't know, but my common sense argues in favour of the "They know" point.
Anyway, after this mail if Peter didn't get that I am making fun of him/her, well, I don't know, maybe I'll begin to feel pity for the poor soul. The bad nourishment and the constant beating in his/her childhood affected his/her poor brain...

Next day, the lad writes back and yes, I feel sorry for him/her. Read the message below:

From: peter sam <>
Date: Tue, 23 Sep 2003 02:02:10 -0700 (PDT)
To: Marco Jones

Dear Sir,
I thank you very much for your mail.i want to tell you that Mr Samuel did tell me of you when he was alive,and that you are trusted.i just believe you will not betray this trust.
I do not know and what to say about the sudden dearth of Mr Samuel.I only pray,God should grant his soul eternal life.And for those of use who are alife,he should assist us so that we can live a righteous life so that we can make heaven.
As a matter of fact,i want you to continue from where you friend and colleaque stop.
i will want you to please assist me claim this box from the security company.i will give you all information requested in this transaction if i hear from you today.
i wait for your mail.

Wasn't Marco threatening enough? Wasn't he clear?
Or is the lad so commited to the scam that doesn't notice that Marco told him/her that he thinks she/he isn't honest and wanted to murder Samuel? Let's set things straight. Or "Lest seat sings strait", as Marco would say.

Are you stoopid o wat?
It seams you no understand, I no want too now nothing wit you facking scam that was going too him too make my head, I now you were trying to swindle it and, even, too kill it. So if you love its life and does not want to sufer an axident I reccomend too him that it pays 20 million too me and buy me silence.
I now that the tared ones of company of security were thiefs and now that you were ploted wit them, so no come too me wit the story of the poor widow, OK?
My head could be stoopid but I no.
I wait for it in the hotel Novotel Hotel at 10 Avenue de General de Gaulle in Abijan, brings the money or else.


Ah, just in case you are as confused as the lad: for some reason the automatic translator uses the word "head" instead of "boss" for the spanish "jefe".
And "tared" is instead of "morons".
I love these automatic translators, they are insaner than my characters.

The lad is silent. He surely realized he is being part of a scambaiting story.
Or got scared of Marco. I don't know.

Natalia (who isn't Marco) doesn't deserve Peter's indiference.

From: Natalia Sturgeon
Date: Wed, 24 Sep 2003 15:04:57 -0300
To: peter sam <>
Subject: Sarah is alive!

Good news!
The police found Sarah!
Poor child, she was naked and nearly dead from starvation, lying in a mossy ditch in the Brzlw creek.
She is in a mild comma but doctors say she will recover, although one more day would had been fatal for her.
We are all together with her, holding her hands and giving all our vital energy and good wishes.
I pray (yes, I pray!) for her eyes to open, her twinkling sparkling eyes, her beautiful face.

I assume you'll find this new revitalizing and your heart and soul will be with Sarah.

How are you?
I hope you are fine and feeling well.
I assume you are busy with your business and you couldn't reply my mail, although dropping a line or two doesn't hurt anybody, don't you think?
After all, I was asking perfectly normal questions, nothing offensive or too personal.
But who am I to judge, don't you think?

Please, write me.


BTW, Sarah was missing, with chances of being dead, and that bastard of Pedro didn't ask about her. That isn't right, young man!

At this point, I must confess, I thought I lost the lad. I blamed Marco, his rude ways maybe let the lad notice the scambaiting.
In fact, I was thinking to write the lad a mail revealing everything, "you are a mugu" and all the stuff.

But, to my amazement, Peter writes Natalia:

From: peter sam <>
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 04:00:43 -0700 (PDT)
To: Natalia Sturgeon

My hear jump for joy when i heard of this good news.All this while,i have been thinking how nature should be so cruel to me.just at the point of happiness,fate threw a big blow on me.but in every situation,i give GOD the glory.
I want to tell you that i am half alive for this wonderful news you sent to me.i wish i am physical to see her.i want you people to do all you people could to revive her back to life.God with his infinite mecy will bless and reward you abundantly.
Please always give me information about her state of health,and dont forget to extend my warmest regard to her when she is revived.Do tell her,her step mum wishes to see her,and she should accept my sympathy for what and all that happened.
Stay well in the Lord.
Mrs Peter.

Either the lad knows that I am making fun of him and finds funny to play with me or is really a fool and believes everything I write.
Whatever. The result is always the same: I can't get hooked out from the habit.
Oh my! I must join Scambaiters Anonimous!

Hard hours are ahead. Sarah's health comes and goes, as her conscience does too. Today in the morning we thought she was getting out of the comma when she started shouting "Pedro, Pedro". Katerina, Sarah's best friend, told me that Pedro is your son (she was calling your son!), who was having an email romance with Sarah. I don't know if he is writing Sarah to her email address since I don't check it (I don't have her password), but if he wants to send her his best wishes and his love tell him he can freely do it to my email address.
But, alas!, the happiness didn't last long since this outburst of consciousness was followed by a deep fallthrough into a harder comma. Life is too harsh, if I must tell you, and is always a shame that pretty girls in the blossom of their youth are taken away by the sharp scythe of the grim reaper.

If you or Pedro want to visit her, or send her a gift, or a get-well card, please do it to the following address

Obmanjivanje "Dr. Nieznam Takiego" - Budala "A" - Glupiec 42
Sto Lat 1490
(AM15278B) Ankh Morpork

(since you don't speak slobovian, I translate: Obmanjivanje is Pavillion, ╩Budala is Room and Glupiec is Bed)

Or, if it is too hard for you to come or send anything, please send a photo of you two holding a sign with a message for Sarah (like "Get well, Sarah" or whatever you feel like to), I compromise myself to print it and give it to Sarah.

You maybe won't believe it, but I experienced myself the healing power of such things. Three years ago I had a severe case of OGK and the doctors gave me no more than two weeks of life, but a friend from Costa Rica sent me her photo with a sign with a heartfelt message and the contact of that photo made the illness go away and vanish miracolously. The doctors couldn't believe it! And there's more, my health is better than ever!

On other aspect, I don't understand you when you call yourself Sarah's "step mum". Maybe is an African custom I don't know to give oneself such a title to indicate a soul closeness. Please, explain it to me.

Yours in hope


Of course, I lied Peter. The words are not in slobovian but in serbian and polish (thanks online dictionaries!) and are all (even the doctor's name) variations of "fool" or "idiot".
OGK is the acronym for the Only God Knows disease. A very terrible plague, indeed! Millions died and there is still no cure for it!

Would the lad write back? Would Natalia go on with this? And Marco, would he kill Peter or he is just bluffing?
And what about Sarah?

How can I make this story end?

Wait for chapter three!