THE SONG OF ROLAND

Roland Henry From: "roland henry" <roolhen-roland@hotmail.com> Subject: The Details Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 X-Originating-IP: [192.116.77.71] Dear Princess Margaret I got your email contact through an intensive search for a reliable manager of fund based in United Kingdom.And being a woman of high repute,I have decided to discuss this for your co-operation.Precisely,I wish to contact you for a legitimate deposit fund transfer which my widow's friend wishes to entrust in your care for a profitable investment purpose/estate.Actually,the said fund in question will be used for any investable profit oriented project or for estate investment.So all you need doing is conerned with the followings; A,That You are expected to exhibit a high level of honesty, reliability,and capability in this transfer transaction. B,That the said deposit fund is 25 million US dollars and it belongs to Mary Kagame,a wife to Late Mr.Joseph Kagame,a wealthy congolese. C,That the said deposit fund was originally kept in the West African Security Company in Accra,Ghana and arrangements are on ground for the onward transfer of the fund into any private/company foreign account. D,That my interest and concern in this whole transaction is to see to the successful transfer of the said deposit fund , the investment purpose and the travelling arrangement of Mary Kagame and her only son,Michael.Most Importantly, of all the total transfer sum of the 25 Million US dollars,only 20% of the deposit fund shall be your particiaptory benefit,only 10% shall cover any expenses,only 10% shall be my agent's benefit and only 60% shall be put into investment/real estate/reserved in the account for Mary Kagame as the agreement is. In addition to all,I deem it necessary that you send your phone contacts and scanned copy of your valid International passport or Driver's license or working identity.Upon the recepit,I shall send mine so as to buttress on the Identification proper.Once again,if am so satisfied with your personal information,honesty,reliability and capability,I shall send to you all the legitimate documents proving the existence of the said deposit fund and the bank corresponding contact/information required to facilitate on the transfer.Please this is the details and you can understand it very well in this medium and it's for proper documentation. Best Regards, Mr.Roland 234-803-6747199 234-804-2709654 HRH Princess Margaret Dear Mr Roodhen Roland You will excuse Me if I am hesitating slightly. I am a woman with a lot to lose if I should become involved in anything dubious or unsavoury. You may recall the Levy-Kustard scandal of a few years back, whch taught me a harsh lesson in the realities of public life. This is why I am not sure I feel comfortable in sending my personal documentation through until I am completely reassured, I am certain you understand. Before we proceed any further you may be required to sign an Oath of Temporary Allegience to the House of Windsor. It is Palace Protocol in such irregular business, a formality to be sure, but one which will considerably speed the wheels of commerce in this instance. Are you amenable to the idea? I can ask our Commonwealth Commissioner of Oaths, Mr Michael Barrymore, to institute the necessary documentation if so. Please reply quickly my dear chap, as I have a feeling that you will get what you deserve soon enough this way. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto, Room 101 The Royal Les Dawson Suite Kensington Doss House, Buckingham London FU2 GlT Roland Henry Subject: The attached Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 Received: from [192.116.77.71] Her majesty, Princess Margaret Your message is understood.All I want is to ensure that you make promise of your reliability and capability .I have attached a copy of my valid Int.ID and the depository documents.On your reply,your picture identification is much needed to build my confidence in you.And I will send the bank contact to you.I respect your experience and loyalty. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Mr Henry I am pleased and delighted to see this very reassuring information. May I say what an intelligent and handsome fellow you are? I see the mark of an honest man in your face and feel we can do business. Have you had any further thoughts about the Oath of Temporary Allegience? MARGARET Roland Henry 25 May 2005 Her Majesty, Princess Margaret I have come to believe and cherrish what you want to use your position to do for me on behalf of the owner of the fund in this transfer.I remain loyal to your authoriy and humbly accept what you feel desirable ie the oath of temporary allegiance.And for my handsomeness,I believe you are not flaterring me.Take care.Her majesty,can I see any of your picture identity so as to cherrish the work of nature in the beauty of a woman. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Mr Henry If you are really serious about signing the Oath and are able to follow through this business in good faith, with none of the slipshod shennanigans which so marked our previous contact perhaps I may be persuaded to think again about the low esteem in which you have plummeted since then. Well? Since you have asked, I attach a recent picture. MARGARET Roland Henry 26 May 2005 HER MAJESTY Princess Margaret, I do not have your phone contacts as I can be calling you often. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Roland (if I may be so bold) I am persuaded that I should allow you to have the phone number of the Palace. Please call me on 44 7321 2233 as soon as possible so that we can discuss this matter further. If I am not available, you may ask for my private secretary Isa Wanker. As this matter is both crucial and confidential, please insist in speaking to us, no matter what first answer is given. We look forward to hearing from you. MARGARET Roland Henry 02 Jun 2005 Her Majesty, Princess Margaret, I thank you for your mail.Kindly await for my call for the further discussion. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Roland Please hurry along there's a good fellow: I have a croquet match to umpire at Smegaroon shortly and cannot delay my departure for this important annual event. MARGARET Roland Henry 03 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret How are you this morning.I do not know the wrong in the number you sent.It's not assessing calls at all and it's inevitable we talk so that I can send the bank contact.So you have send another number so that I will call you.What about your Oath of Allegiance.You can scan and send as attachement and I will print out and sign or thumb print.Or what do you think? My Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret 06 Jun 2005 Dear Mr Roland I am not sure why you cannot reach My office on the phone. I know that we have had some problems recently with the Miracsky Telecommunications system we have installed, so that could be it. Try this number instead: 44 (0) 1753 831118; if I am not there you can ask to speak to Hugh Janus. I will copy this message into Michael Barrymore the Commonwealth Commissioner of Oaths and ask my office to brief him. He will no doubt send you the necessary text to sign. I do hope that things move along quickly now, as I am keen to see you get what is coming to you. Best regards Michael Montague Barrymore Dear Mr Roland OATH OF TEMPORARY ALLEGIENCE # 1SA-WANK E.R. (Elizabeth II Regis) Whereas her Gracious Highness the Princess Margaret has asked that I invest you with the Oath of Temporary Allegience to the House of Windsor, this is hereby done. I understand in respect of some pending commercial considerations a reply is required urgently. Please note that the Oath, sent to yourself at this address as advised is a discreet formality and is NOT transferrable either to kin or tribe. The Oath should be read out loud, printed out, and signed along with a witness (of no relation). Together with the signed document, scanned and returned to us, there should be in accompanyment a photograph of yourself, right hand raised. To confirm this is your image, please display prominently in the image the relevant Oath code 1SA-WANK ER OATH OF FORMAL ALLEGIENCE TO THE HOUSE OF WINDSOR "I _____________________ of _______________________ County State of ___________________ do hereby solemnly swear that I will bear true allegience to the House of Windsor in full quims, and support and sustain the Right Royal Business thereof; that I will maintain utmost discretion in fey vimtos paramount to all; that as total git I will discourage, discountenance, all breaking of this merkin troth, pledge my honor, to the sacred performance of this, my solemn Oath of Allegience to the Royal Highnesses thereto. De Paquet Cheerios in flagrente delecto. signed .............................................. witnessed .............................................. date .............................................. OATH issued 29.11.2005 # 1SA-WANK E.R This Oath is issued by my office in lieu of a face to face appearance which, due to urgency and geographical distance, would otherwise prove impossible. Normally more documentation would be required but Her Majesty has graciously waived this element of protocol in this instance. If you have any questions, please contact either myself at once or speak to a trusted legal representative. I am sir, Your humble servant BARRYMORE Michael Barrymore AASA, DFC, HER MAJESTYS COMMONWEALTH COMMISSIONER OF OATHS 2645 Gooliepully Road Stringalonga, TOCUMWAL,NSW,2714 Phone: (02) 9298 3777 Fax: (02) 9298 3780 Roland Henry 07 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Magaret Sequel to the endorsement of the Oath of Temporary Allegiance sent to your Commissioner of Oath and on my discussion with Mrs.Mary Kagame on your status and managerial capability, we resolved to send the bank contact information to you.So you contact the below mentioned personnel immedaitely and tell him that I,Mr.Henry.A.Roland on behalf of Mrs.Kagame has mandated you to contact him for the subsequent transfer of the fund into your foreign account name.The total Amount is 25,000,000 USD.which the transfer was effected from the West African Millenium Security Company to the bank. Contact Personnel:Prince John Tutu(B.sc,MBA) (Director of international remittance unit) International commercial bank Ltd Sub Headquarters Makola shopping mall 2 Accra,Ghana Phone:+233-24-3331886 Telex:+233-21-409790 ICBNK Fax:+233-21-408168 Email:icbnk-tutupj@bankersmail.com Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret My dear chap I simply cannot do this before the matter of the Oath is attended to and the formalties are attended to. First things first, old chap. I trust that you have it now from Barrymore and are actioning it with all due haste? Please hurry along, as this is not childs play my friend, and surely modalities are pressing. Once I have Mr Barrymore's approval I will contact Mr Tittu at once. MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Tue, 7 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret Madam, I have made to your simple reasoning from onset that procedures must be obeyed.And it was after the endorsements of the Oath of Temporary Allegiance which I sent the scanned copy to Mr.Barrymore that I then sent the bank contact to you.Please,we are only comming to know eachother and the fund in question does not belong to neither of us.Respect as the saying goes reciprocates.I wouldn't want you to try to use any kind of authority to cajole me.I have been in public and civil service for years and I respect peoples' opinions and thoughts.And in this contract transfer project,I have the mandate to take decisions affecting the transfer process on whom to deal with and whom not to deal with in the partnership.Without mincing words,I strongly warn that you accord some respects to any letter you write to me and stop using 'dear chap' on me as I have somekinds of dispositions to uphold. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 7 Dear Mr Roland Please excuse my previous tone, the essence of which you have entirely misconstrued. I always pride myself in addressing native fellows such as yourself with the highest degree of courtesy and kindliness. Memories of colonial days never excuse rudeness. I am pleased that you have responded to Mr Barrymore so quickly and just as soon as his office approves your Oath then we can proceed with this business. In the meantime is there a token of goodwill I can purchase for you from the Royal tailors Cack & Chavster? If you send me your measurements for instance I can recommend a pair of tweed plus fours as suitable for a gentleman of leisure. Kindest regards MARGARET >Roland rolls out the ball point in an attempt to assume two identities. Roland Henry Dear Michael Barrymore, I hereby send the scanned attached copy of the Oath of Temporary Allegiance through your office to her Majesty,Princess Magaret which I have endorsed alongwith my witness(of no biological relationship).Also I send as attached a valid copy of my International passport which is an official paper authorized by the Federal Government of Nigeria for identification and it's legal and acceptable in all formal and serious transactions as what you only suggested in showing loyalty to the Princess is only accepatable in mind and not in matters of business litigation. Regards, Mr.Roland The Oath! The wall at Annie's Bar is practically covered with these - Annie's is the envy of clubmen everywhere. June 8th and 9th were quite busy! Roland Henry June 8 Her Majesty Princess Margaret Her Highness, I thank you for the calmness.Yes,you are right as our memories of colonialism still live with us. And now we are in the contemporary era,out of colonialism.Also,I await on the approval and hope that we will actualise our objective and see that a high level of managerial capability is ensured in the investment of the fund into your viable economy. And for the token of gifts,I cannot say no to your offer as it's what your mind state has decided .I will send the measurements in few hours from now as I will call my tailor immeditately and tell him to send the measurements to my desk. Regards, Mr.Roland Roland Henry Subject: The Measurements Date: Wed, 8 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Magaret Her Highness, These are the measurements ---------------------------------------------------- For the Trouser suiting Waist=37 Length=48 Laps=28 Hips=49 Kneel=19 ----------------------------------------------------- For the Top suiting Shoulder=20 Sleeve=29 Body=50 Length=34 ----------------------------------------------------- For the suiting dressing shirt Neck=17 Body=48 Length=32 Shoulder20 Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 8 Dear Mr Roland Splendid my dear fellow. We will soon have you stitched up nicely at this rate. I have passed on these details to Our chief tailor Lonslo Tossov at Chavsters, who surely will have some additional details to ask you as he prepares the pattern. I think a double breasted suit would be more suited to you than the previously mentioned plus fours which, after all, are a little ostentatious at this time of the year. What sort of fabric and colour do you prefer? Harris Tweed is very stylish but it is hard to secure that essential native jauntiness with that sort of traditional fabric and design. Also I am sure Mr Tossov would want an idea of venting at the back. The Prince of Wales prefers single venting of course, but it is a matter of taste. Will you have anywhere to put your shooting stick? Best regards MARGARET Meanwhile HRH Margaret's barrister Michael Montague Barrymore has reviewed Mr. Roland Henry's Oath of Allegiance: Michael Montague Barrymore June 8 TO MR ROLAND WHEREAS I am in receipt of your competed oath of the said article of commercial OATH OF TEMPORARY ALLEGIENCE I will be in communication with Her Majesty at the soonest instance. This Oath is upon first glance of adequate cognisance, fey vimto vas deferens pertaining. I am assuming that in this instance you prove in complete gittage? Full advisement to follow, further to due process of the particulars pertaining. Full nomenclature, pro vom popadum will of course be in abeyance due to your geographic location. Yours sincerely BARRYMORE DFC Lonslo Tossov June 8 HENRY I AM IN RECEIPT OF THIS SET OF MEASUREMENTS COPIED OVER FROM HER MAJESTY AND AM HONOURED TO DEAL WITH THIS WORK ON BEHALF OF PRINCESS MARGARET_HOWEVER I WILL HAVE TO ASK FOR THE FIGURES TO BE DOUBLE CHECKED BEFORE I BEGIN THE CUTTING OUT OF EXPENSIVE CLOTH AND THE SUCH LIKE YOU SEEM A LITTLE ON THE LARGE SIZE TO CREATE AN EASY FITTING SIR_IS YOUR WAIST REALLY 37 WITH SUCH SHORT LEGS??_FOR GODS SAKE DO NOT SEND CLOTHING CALCULATIONS LIGHTLY OR IN ERROR AS I WORK WITH THE FINEST MATERIALS AND MISTAKES CAN BE VERY EXPENSIVE_MEASURE AGAIN AND REPLY AT ONCE Lonslo Tossov Cack & Chavster Tailors 69 Kustardt Levy Muggins Smegaroonshire UR1 PRAT Roland Henry To: Princess Margaret Wed, 8 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret Her Highness, I thank you for the precious suit dress you have offerred to me.I really appreciate the charisma in you as a woman of substance and of high repute.Honestly,I received this letter from Mr Lonslo Tossov,and I maintained the fact that I do not like the tone of his message as I expected him to show some traditional respect in his letter.Can you imagine what he related to me having short legs while in my immediate and extended families,we maintain a good linegical or hereditary sizes/heights.If he did not catch up well with the measurements,it's very simple for him to write to me to confirm the measurements for him.Or as a clothing designer,he tells me to give him measutrements of some parts of the body needed for the making of the suit dress. Her highness,you not bother yourself so much as I will reconfirm the measurements to him by tommorrow morning when I will get back to my tailor. Regards, Mr.Roland N.B:Here is Mr.Lonslo Tossov letter sent to me. HENRY I AM IN RECEIPT OF THIS SET OF MEASUREMENTS COPIED OVER FROM HER MAJESTY AND AM HONOURED TO DEAL WITH THIS WORK ON BEHALF OF PRINCESS MARGARET_HOWEVER I WILL HAVE TO ASK FOR THE FIGURES TO BE DOUBLE CHECKED BEFORE I BEGIN THE CUTTING OUT OF EXPENSIVE CLOTH AND THE SUCH LIKE YOU SEEM A LITTLE ON THE LARGE SIZE TO CREATE AN EASY FITTING SIR_IS YOUR WAIST REALLY 37 WITH SUCH SHORT LEGS??_FOR GODS SAKE DO NOT SEND CLOTHING CALCULATIONS LIGHTLY OR IN ERROR AS I WORK WITH THE FINEST MATERIALS AND MISTAKES CAN BE VERY EXPENSIVE_MEASURE AGAIN AND REPLY AT ONCE HRH Princess Margaret June 8 Dear Roland Please excuse our Mr Tossov. Although an excellent craftsman, he does occasionally lack some niceties of phrase, and I am sure the likely importance of your account with the accompanying strain this brings, has made this characteristic more pronounced that one might wish. I will have a quiet word with him. You have my assurance however that the fellow makes an excellent suit of clothes, My late husband the Thane of Cawdor was very impressed and had no hesitation in recommending him to friends and social acquaintances. In particular stain removal is very easy, this through the unique substance Chavsters add to the King Duncan tartan weave of each suit. Should you accidentally drop some berry juice, or get untoward splashes at your local animal market down the fabric, then the damned spot will be out very shortly afterwards. Best regards MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Wed, 8 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret Her Higness, On the colour and fabric selection,and the venting pattern,I heartly suggest you decide for them.It's a gift from you and I heartly expect you choose the best for me. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 8 Dear Roland After a little thought I think that the double vent style best serves a gentleman of distinction. So we should go with that. But let us get the measurements exactly right as Mr Tossov demands. His work is made to fit. Baggyness in the pants would be a shame at the end of the day and We would hate for you to be taken in. Incidentally if you have a good lady wife who would like a little something to then I am sure, in the interests of friendship we could stretch perhaps to a hat, a horsehair truso, or perhaps a bustiere for her as well? MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Thu, 9 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret I thank you for the heartful recommendation on the suit dress.I will call back my tailor to resend the measurements to me which in few hours from now,I will confirm the measurements to him.My body physique is a moderate one as am not too slim and not fat at all.As for my lady wife,I appreciate the gift offer as a part of a good co-existing friendship.I extend my sincere regret and condolence over the death of your husband.Also,I received a letter from Mr.Barrymore on the extension of the approved Oath of Temporary Allegiance to you and I have replied him on it. Regards, Mr.Roland Roland Henry To: Lonslo Tossov Date: Thu, 9 Jun 2005 Mr.Lonslo Tossov Use these measurements and do the best og good clothing design. For the top suit dress a,Shoulder=20 b,length=34 c,chest=45 sleeve=28 fitting=45 ------------------------------------------------------- For the trouser suiting a,Waist=37 b,length=48 c,laps=28 d,flap=9.5 bottom/round=19 -------------------------------------------------------- Regards, Mr.Roland Lonslo Tossov June 9 ROLAND I AM PLEASED THAT YOU HAVE SUPPLIED THESE MEASUREMENTS SO QUICKLY BUT RATHER DISMAYED BY THE SHAPE YOU PRESENT OUR EXPECT CUTTERS_NO DOUBT A NATIVE DIET WITH ALL ITS DEFICIENCIES AND PECULIARITIES IS TO BLAME FOR THE RESULT_I WILL OF COURSE DO MY BEST_SEND INSIDE AS WELL AS OUTSIDE LEG LENGTH AND WIDTH TOO OF THE UPPER THIGH FOR WHAT YOU HAVE SENT IS TOO VAGUE FOR A PRECISE FIT AS WE WANT_ IN ADDITION TO THESE MEASUREMENTS YOU WILL OF COURSE REQUIRE A GENTLEMANS WAISTCOAT DO YOU HAVE A WATCH WITH CHAIN TO ALLOW FOR AND IS THE LINING TO BE SILK OR NYLON??_HER ROYAL HIGHNESS HAS ALSO INTIMATED THAT YOU HAVE A WIFE OR WOMAN WHO IS TO BE FASHIONED FOR_KINDLY SENT HER DETAILS OR I CAN JUST SUPPLY AN EXTRA LARGE SMOCK FROM EXISTING PATTERNS IF SHE PROVES AN OBSTINATE SHAPE TOO_INDICATE LEVEL OF MODESTY AND COLOUR PREFERENCES MAN AS I HAVE NO IDEA OF WHETHER YOU PEOPLE WRAP UP FEMALES LIKE MUMMIES OR HAVE IT ALL HANGING OUT LIKE BUNTING ON PRESIDENTS DAY_REPLY QUICKLY MAN FOR GODS SAKE AS TIME IS MONEY AND I HAVE TRAINED STAFF READY TO MAKE A START ON YOUR FANCY OUTFIT AS SOON AS DETAILS ARE CONFIRMED IS THAT UNDERSTOOD Lonslo Tossov Cack & Chavster Tailors 69 Kustardt Levy Muggins Smegaroonshire UR1 PRAT [Who among us has not felt slighted by an upscale tailor? Or, at the other end of the social scale, stood mystified - and bludgeoned by pointlessly loud music - in a youth-oriented clothing store, among heaps of shoddily-made jeans (made by underpaid youth). We could (almost) feel sorry for Roland Henry as he labors on. Well not really.] HRH Princess Margaret June 10 Dear Roland Mr Barrymore has told me that the Oath is acceptable. What now is the next step? Please reply quickly as I am likely to be away soon at the Vimto Badger Trials and it may be difficult to access my mails. I expect there may be incidental costs for the business we plan. Should I instruct my bankers? MARGARET Roland Henry To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: RE Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 Mr.Lonslo, I thank you fot that,but I advise you use the measurements I have given you to do the job.And for my lady wife,use a moderate size of a 5 feet height woman for her.Choose the best of fabric and colour for us mostly black or blue or a good stripped fabric.I hope you use your initiative to do your best in the tailoring. Regards, Mr.Roland Lonslo Tossov Sent: 10 June 2005 ROLEND_VERY WELL WE SHALL PROCEED WITH THE MEASUREMENTS AS GIVEN ALTHOUGH I STILL HAVE SOME RESERVATIONS_ALSO OUR TROUSER DEPARTMENT ASKS: DO YOU WEAR YOUR PANTS MORE OFTEN WITH BELT OR BRACES?_AND WHAT IS THE BUST SIZE OF YOUR WOMAN?_I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE THAT NATIVE WIVES CAN PRESENT FRONTS AND REARS THE SIZE OF A HOUSE AND WE DONT WANT TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE A BARREL WHEN OUT AND ABOUT_REPLY QUICKLY SIR AS WORK IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE IS THAT CLEAR TOSSOV [Anyone who has seen a crowd of middle-aged vacationers on a Black Sea beach might say this is a case of throwing stones in a glass house, but we're still not sorry for Roland.] Roland Henry Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret Her Highness, I thank you and your council for such an approval of the Oath of Temporaray Allegaince issued and endorsed by,I ,Mr.Henry.A.Roland,a bonafide Nigerian and my witness of no biological relation as stipulated by the virtue of the Oath.Her highness,with the mandate conferred on me by the Mrs.Mary Kagame on her family behalf,I mandate you to make the contact of the bank information needed in the subsequent transfer of the $25,000,000 of the Kagame's family into your account.You have my permission to have any transfer dealings with the bank on the fund transfer.So,go ahead and contact as I have directed you. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Roland I must admit that I am a bit worried about my reputation and good standing at risk of suffering through careless talk here. Can you assure Me that this business is entirely legal and without risk? Should I apply under an assumed name? You can understand how, being of woman of my standing, I would have a lot to lose from gossip and any dubious undertaking. It may be better if I and a small party make a visit to see you or your representatives, when we can talk things through face to face, how about that? I could fly down with your new clothes from Tossov when done. MARGARET Roland Henry Dear Mr.Lonslo, I thank you for the efforts in seeing that our dressing gifts from the Princess is done perfectly.But,my wife is on a nursing course and from what you wanted from her mearsurements,please use the ideal sizes of an average lady,not too slim or fat and relatively maintain good body sizes of a such an elegant woman at about 5 feet. Regards, Mr.Roland Lonslo Tossov June 10 FOR GOD SAKE MAN I AM NOT INTERESTED IN HER CHOSEN CAREER JUST HER BUST WAIST AND HIP MEASUREMENTS OTHERWISE I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR AN OUTFIT WHICH MAY MAKE HER LOOK LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES AFTER A THUNDERSTORM_IT IS BAD ENOUGH NOT HAVING A FULL SET OF MEASUREMENTS FROM YOURSELF LEADING TO ALL SORTS OF COMPROMISES WITHOUT HAVING TO SKIMP AND GUESS ROUND THE SHAPE OF YOUR WOMAN _CAN YOU AT LEAST ASK HER FOR A FEW BASIC SIZES AS SHE WILL NOT THANK YOU FOR IT WHEN SHE TRIES ON THE RESULTS AND WANDERS DOWN THE BUSH PATH_ I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT_NOW HURRY MAN HRH HAS JUST TOLD ME THIS IS A RUSH JOB AND THAT YOU REQUIRE A GOOD SORTING OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE ALSO WHAT IS THE NEWS ON THE BELT OR BRACES QUESTION???? T Lonslo Tossov Cack & Chavster Tailors Roland Henry June 11 Mr Lonslo, Ok,I will call her to send the measurements as you have them as soon as possible. Regards, Mr.Roland Roland Henry Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Pincess Margaret How are you today?I really appreciate your disposition in this partnership.Without mincing words,I reiterate that this transfer transaction is legal and risk free and that you must have to apply for the transfer with your legitimate personal particulars as I have mandated you.To the best of my knowledge,late Mr.Joseph Kagame was not involved in any kind of nefarious,politicking or unhealthy activities to have amassed his wealth as he was a wealthy business merchant in Gold and Diamond.Due to the wife relationship with me,she confided in me about deposit fund which I effected the transfer from the security company through the bank for subsequent transfer into a foreign account as Mrs.Kagame wish to see the fund invested into a viable economic sector.Like I told you from the onset,your dignified class and reputation in the society cannot be disputed.This made me to have the thought and boldness in establishing a partnership with you and proceed on with transfer transaction. Furthermore,I see it as a worthwhile excercise and a better headway if we can come down together to Ghana and talk things over with the section of office(International Remmittance Unit)on the subsequent transfer of the fund into your account. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 11 Dear Roland Thank you, my dear chap for writing so promptly to put my fears at rest. I so much prefer handling business, especially delicate business of this sort, face to face as you can gather. It puts My mind at rest, and makes everything so much more enjoyable in the long run. Assuming Mr Tossov can whip up your garments in double quick time (I gather he is still waiting for one or two measurements?) then perhaps I can travel down sometime in the next week and meet you and your chaps. What would be the nearest airport to you? Or perhaps we could come by yacht? I know that our Captain Stabbin is very keen to make an entry again. It if it is OK, then I would be accompanied by my niece, the Princess Candice as well as Sir Marmite a loyal retainer and friend of the family, who is good at arranging such last minute jaunts. I shall of course keep the nature of the whole business confidential, and will even go to the extent of assuming a secret name for the duration of the enterprise. Perhaps you will call Me over-cautious, but I still have memories of the great embarrassment caused to Lord Bovril a year or two back, this was when He made a poor choice of investment in the Kustardt-Panz Corporation and was confronted by investigators entirely co-incidentally in a house of ill repute. Anyway please let Me know what you think about accomodation (is there somewhere close to your camp with clean towels and air conditioning, that sort of thing?), as I really want to make great headway in this matter now. MARGARET Roland Henry 11 Jun 2005 Her Royal Majesty Princess Margaret With the level of confidentiality and trust needed,I want you to feel comfortable with this transfer project.You have to put your worries behind.Proceed and contact Mr.Tutu,if possible call him within this weekend as I just thought of it now that he should be less busy with official engagements and talk with him on how best he will handle the transfer soonest and make him understand your societal status and your partnership interests with Mr.Henry.A.Roland.Please,tell Mr.Lonslo that I have sent message across to my wife for her measurements and we send them soonest. Regards and lovely weekend, Mr.Roland Roland Henry Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 Princess Margaret Her highness,let me use this opportunity to let you know that I have made inquiries concerning our meeting/arrival in Ghana.You are to land at Kotoka international air port if preferred on air but on water you will be at tema Harbour.There are very good hotels with best clean towels and full air condition and the setting looks like a natural vegetation.And I hope that it's my responsibility to put everything in place pending your arrival in Ghana.Also,like you have before now asked me the costing of the transfer,I must admit that it's only on your application to the bank that we can know the exact costing of the fund enrouting to your overseas account.For sure,I have paid for all the bonded charges incurred by the fund in the security company and it's only left with what the transfer charges of the bank transferring the fund into your account could be.So,it's necessary you must contact the Director of international remitance of the bank to know what and what that will be involved for the smooth transfer of the fund into your account overseas. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 13 Dear Roland I am very pleased with the way that things are progressing. After some reflection I think that I will yacht down as soon as your clothes are ready, especially as the open seas can be so refreshing at this time of the year. My yacht, the SS Lucky Lad, has just been refurbished and I am eager to see what it can do. I shall contact Captain Stabbin at once and ask him to prepare for embarkation as soon as possible. As it happens I had planned to take a short break from my onerous schedule about now anyhow and bringing forward matters will be no great hardship. Is there any shark fishing to be done in your part of the world? I know that Sir Marmite Luny Bins likes to try his hand at a quick pull on the rod, and Princess Candice will be with us to join in the fun. Quite a merry bunch we, once we get going! I expect the good Captain will want to contact you with a view to checking on port conditions, customs clearance, as security issues and the like are one of his prime concerns. I am not familiar with Tema at all as it has not featured on any Royal itinerary before as far as I can discover. You will need to suppy Captain Stabbin with docking arrangements and harbour restrictions to ease the passage. Because of the need for discretion, the Captain may wish to find a less conspicuous mooring. He is very keen on back entry. May we deal with this tedious bank business once we meet up? It will be so much more civilised I think to swop paperwork over a sherry, or whatever you people drink. Please confirm this plan is OK and I shall see to it preparations are started immediately. Kind regards MARGARET Capt. Stabbin June 13 Ahoy Mr Rooland I am instructed by Princess Margaret to make ready her yacht for immediate departure. It is a matter of only a day or so, as we were preparing for a light ocean going voyage in any case but I will need to order in some new charts from the admiralty. Any guidance you can give me, notablyin respect of quayside conditions and local tidal activity & etc will be very helpful as it has been a while since I have sailed in your part of the world. Will you be able to meet us at the wharf or shall I anchor just off shore? In particular: what is the current mapping situation as regards the Toggalbolok Reef? The Lucky Lad has a keel which draws some 13 feet and I would not want to risk damage. Anticipating your reply Capt. Stabbin NN (ret.d) Royal Yacht Captain Nemo Buildings 69 Labovitch Buildings East Cheam WAT 1PRAT Roland Henry Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret How was your day today?I want to know if you have contacted Mr.Tutu as regards to the transfer processes which I stated in the first letter I sent to you this morning on my arrival to the office and it's on the need for the application of the transfer of the fund. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 14 Dear Roland Is this not something we can do upon our arrival in your little land? I would feel so more comfortable doing these matters in person. I hope you understand, and a few days surely will not make a huge difference. Please ask Mr Titu to draw up the papers in advance to ease the business when we arrive. Mr Tossov says your pants are complete by the way. We do hope that you like them as I can assure you that you have been fitted up nicely. MARGARET Roland Henry Subject: RE Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret, I thank you for the immediate reply.We must have to know what and what that are invovled as I know what I witnessed in the transfer processes with the security company.Where I thought I could have finished with them in the next two days but you cannot believe we stayed there for five days to settle with them.If I communicate to Mr.Tutu and tell him to draw up the papers,it's baseless because I am not the foreign account name holder who is to apply for the fund.If I am to do this,I would have applied for the transfer of the fund to be enrouted to Nigeria.But the fact remains that Mrs.Kagame does not want the fund to be invested in a shallow economy inherent in the African Sub-region.So you have to write to him on the first instance to get a clearer information on the transfer process and after that you can call him so as to make him understand that he has to treat the transfer papers ASAP. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 14 Dear Roland I quite understand, my dear chap. Please let me have Mr Tutit's details once again and I shall be pleased to get in contact with the fellow directly, ask him to put wheels in motion as it were, and suggest he meets us off the boat at the other end to promptly get what he deserves. I shall ask him to make all haste, as the Stabbin has told us that he is ready to leave shortly, the hold being freshly stocked and what not. Its typical of him that he likes to pack things in as soon as possible. MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret I have read your mail and the arrangement is ok. You know am in Nigeria as I have only travelled to Ghana when Mrs Kagame confided in me on the information about the fund.Before my trip,I sent couple of letters to the Director of Operations of the security company which he replied included the total charges incurred as bonded on the fund.With that I prepared myself instead of making a double journey,raised the money and immediately we got there and we paid for the bonded charges on which we transferred the fund to the bank.And now,we are going to face with the bank transfer situation,this has been why since the fund is going to be transferred into your foreign account,you have the responsibility to find out from the bank,telling them your country where the fund will be enrouted and knowing the total transfer charges they may want us to pay.Like I told you am in Nigeria now and we must have the total transfer charges in hand so that once we come down to talk it over with the bank authorities,we proceed immediately and make the payment as I will like you to know that I work for a governmental parastal and do not leave office unofficial as I have to write to my office on my absence to work for some reasonable days we are likely to stay in Ghana to deal with the tedious bank transfer.Notably,there is no way I can apply to the bank because to the little best of my knowledge about International Money Transfers,it's the foreign account name holder that has such priviledge to apply,otherwise I would have done that.You must agree with me that in as much as you and your company is coming to have the environmental feels of Ghana in West Africa,the interest of both us lies in our transfer dealings with the bank.Please tell your Mr.Lonslo to go on and make my suit dress as I do not know what's holding back my lady wife to send her measurements. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 14 Dear Roland I understand completely my dear fellow and you can rest assured that all will be taken care of. Once I have the details from you, we shall make every effort to tie up loose ends before the departure. Tossov has almost finished the suit and also tells me that, in the absence of measurements for your good lady he is erring on the cautious side with a size 16. I trust that is in order? I believe he has opted for a purple flanellette material, very fetching on the native figure - at least that is what I have been advised by the Foreign Office. Incidentally, Captain Stabbin wants to know if you are familiar with Edgar Collingwood-Williams? He was a former Harbour Master at Tema he knew when last in the area during the mid 1960s. He wishes also to gently remind you about some queries re the local quayside conditions? I must admit I am getting very excited now about this whole trip. It will be splendid fun to finally meet and have a walk round your shanty town. Is one able to buy souvenirs? I know that Sir Marmite is very keen on golf and he would love to hear of any local facilities to try out upon our arrival. Perhaps if you have a decent handicap you might join him? MARGARET Sir Marmite Luny-Binns June 14 Dear Mr Roland Please excuse this hurried note rather out of the blue, but Her Majesty Princess Margaret has graciously invited my niece Candice and myself on a trip to your part of the world, I believe, as part of some business you have planned together. I have been delighted to accept and only hope it does not come as much of a surprise. Being a keen golfer and my niece an enthusiastic nightclubber, I was wondering if you can recommend any areas of special interest for us to seek out during our stay? Or perhaps a source of tourist information? Normally we would contact the local authorities ourselves but I understand this will be conducted on a discreet basis, none of my concern of course but it does complicate some matters. We are keen to focus our energies during the stay the most effectively and not spread ourselves too thinly. Incidentally if you have an interest in the game of kings, and there is a course nearby perhaps we have a round together? I could always lend you some clubs if you have a sister who can caddie. Best regards MARMITE Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC Regis Court Chamberlain The Court of St James Broadmoor London FU2 GIT http://www.freewebs.com/sirmarmite/index.htm Sir Charles Farnes-Barnes June 14 Your Royal Highness, Please do not hesitate to call upon my services if I can be of anyassiistance to you in your dealings with Mr Roland. I am ready to fly out to Ghana at twenty four hours notice. Your ever humble servant Charles Farnes-Barnes VC Chief Cashier Royal Bank of Windsor Lonslo Tossov June 14 ROODHEN_FOR GODS SAKE MAN WHERE ARE THE MEASUREMENTS OF THE FEMALE YOU WISH US TO DRESS??_ALSO DO YOU WANT A HAT TO GO WITH YOUR OUTFIT AND_ FOR THE LAST TIME OF ASKING _ DO YOU WANT A BELT FOR YOUR PANTS???_ FOR A RUSH JOB WITH THIS URGENCY YOU ARE SURPISINGLY LACKADAISICAL I MUST SAY_UNLESS YOU AND YOURS WANT WANT TO END UP LIKE A DOGS DINNER YOU WILL HAVE TO CONFIRM ALL OUR REQUIREMENTS AT ONCE_YOU PANTS ARE FINISHED BUT I MUST PRESS ON WITH THE REST AS HRH SAYS SHE MAY BE LEAVING SHORTLY?_I MUST SAY SIR THAT I OUTFITTED THE DUCHESS OF DUKE STREET LAST MONTH FROM TRUSO TO BALL GOWN AND SHE GAVE ME HALF THE TROUBLE YOU HAVE TOSSOV Lonslo Tossov Cack & Chavster Tailors [Her Royal Highness finally contacts Prince Tutu, Roland's "banker".] HRH Princess Margaret June 14 Dear Prince Tutu, Mr.Henry.A.Roland on behalf of Mrs.Kagame, has mandated Me to contact you for the subsequent transfer of an outstanding fund into My foreign account name. I understand that the total Amount is 25,000,000 USD, which transfer was effected from the West African Millenium Security Company to the bank. I am hoping shortly to be in your part of the world and will be pleased to sign all documents and paperwork, cover incidental expenses & etc at that time. You will appreciate that this business must be carried out in discreet manner and with no native gossip whatsoever. Please respond at your soonest convenience. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto, Room 101 The Royal Les Dawson Suite Kensington Doss House, Buckingham London FU2 GlT Roland Henry Subject: RE Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Magaret Sorry as I just came back to office few minutes ago as we have in a meeting since 11.30am.Therefore you contact the below mentioned personnel immedaitely and tell him that I,Mr.Henry.A.Roland on behalf of Mrs.Kagame has mandated you to contact him for the subsequent transfer of the fund into your foreign account name.The total Amount is 25,000,000 USD.which the transfer was effected from the West African Millenium Security Company to the bank. Contact Personnel:Prince John Tutu(B.sc,MBA) (Director of international remittance unit) International commercial bank Ltd Sub Headquarters Makola shopping mall 2 Accra,Ghana Phone:+233-24-3331886 Telex:+233-21-409790 ICBNK Fax:+233-21-408168 Email:icbnk-tutupj@bankersmail.com Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 14 Dear Roland I have written to your Mr Titu as you have suggested, and let us see what develops. Incidentally, it has just occured to me that there may be some incidental expenses likely to be incurred in this matter, as I know that financial whispering and much in the nature of furtive haggling is the nature of business out there. Should I ready our Chief Cashier, Mr Farnes Barnes, who has much to say over extraordinary petty cash usage? I would hate for matters to fall though just for lack of greasing a few palms. MARGARET Roland Henry 14 Jun 2005 Her Majesty, I thank you to have copied to me the letter you have just sent to Mr.Tutu. Regards, Mr.Roland Roland Henry Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 Dear Mr.Lonslo, I thank you for your efforts.On my lady's wife measurements,I have earlier written to the Princess to tell you that my lady wife has not yet sent her measurements to me.Thus,I suggest that you go on with my suit dress and forget hers as I wouldn't want to abuse the Princess offer.So take care as you make the best of your stylish sewing of my suit dresss. Regardfs, Lonslo Tossov Mr.Roland VERY WELL SIR I SHALL MAKE THE BEST OF A BAD JOB AS TIME IS TOO SHORT TO MESS ABOUT_I JUST HOPE FOR GODS SAKE THAT THIS WHOLE BOTCHED ENTERPRISE DOES NOT REACH THE EARS OF SAVILLE ROW OR WE SHALL ALL BE IN QUEER STREET HERE AND NO MISTAKE_I AM SENDING ALONG WITH YOUR FAIRLY ODD PANTS A PAIR OR TWO OF MOLESKIN BRACES TO KEEP THINGS UP OVER YOUR BELLY AND A CAP_ AS IT SEEMS YOU REMAIN UNDECIDED ON SUCH NICEITIES DESPITE MY FRIENDLY REMINDERS AND SUGGESTIONS REGARDS Lonslo Tossov Roland Henry Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 To: Captin_Stabbin@natal.de Dear Captain, I thank you for the mail concerning the Princess voyage.However,I shall inform you in due course as we get prepared to meeting there. Regards, Mr.Roland Roland Henry Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 Mr.Lonslo, I thank you so much.Take care. Regards, Mr.Roland THIS FELLOW IS A MODEL OF RESTRAINT MADAM IT SEEMS ALTHOUGH ONE TRUSTS HE HAS BEEN WHITE KNUCKLED AT MY CHARACTERISTIC PROVOKING PATTER_ I NOW LEAVE IT TO OTHER MEMBERS OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT TO MAKE AN IMPACT ON HIS APPARENT EQUANIMITY _AS HIS FINE SUIT OF CLOTHES NOW BEING FINISHED AND READY FOR SHIPMENT WITH A HAT FOR HIS THICK HEAD HE IS NOW PASSED ONWARDS Roland Henry Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 Dear Mr.Maritime, I thank you for all your loyalty to the Princess.I hopefully believe you and your niece will enjoy the trip.You will find pleasure in the facilities. Regards, Mr.Roland I note that the fellow has mispelt my name! Dashed impertinence of the fellow! Roland Henry Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret In as much as expenses are to be taken care of in the transfer.I suggest you hold on back on any withdrawal till we hear from Mr.Tutu.We are to take care of serious financing rather than on frivolities.You can attest to me so far in our interaction that am a serious minded man,so principled and upright and deal with commercial matters with absolute seriousness. And this is the same character qualities I foresaw in you to have built my confidence in our partnership. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 14 Dear Roland I will abide by your advice as I am sure you know best in this matter. However, please give me notice if funds are required as I will have to arrange for the requisite golden dorks to be made available from Farnes Barnes. My regards to your village elders, MARGARET Lady Agatha Bristol June 14 Your Highness, Sir Marmite Luny-Binns has requested that we get in touch over the business with Mr. Henry. I understand that Lonslo Tossov has made him a suit, but there were problems with Mr. Henry's literacy. How may we help in ensuring this gentleman gets his just desserts? Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE HRH Princess Margaret Dear Lady Agatha I believe that Sir Marmite is a tad concerned about the security arrangements for our planned visit. Mr Roohen can be trusted I believe to exercise all due discretion, but with Princess Candy accompanying us on this little jaunt Marmite is right to be questioning the arrangements. Without discussing the nature of our business in hand, perhaps you might offer some advice? I have copied in Mr Roohen as it seems fair that he should be privvy to our discussion. While his English is sometimes shakey, and Mr Tossov felt that the fitting was somewhat unsatisfatory from this point of view, it is something that we must accept as natural for a man of his education. MARGARET Roland's Philosophy of Commerce explained Roland Henry Subject: RE Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret Like you have taught me Commercial matters do not demand compromise or favour.And I have come to abide by and been inspired by that business ideology. Regards, Mr.Roland Roland Henry 14 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret I received this copied mail from one Agatha Bristol as am about leaving office.I discovered that the mail was meant for you but it was copied to me at the same time.Please confirm. Regards, Mr.Roland Note: forwarded message attached. HRH Princess Margaret June 14 Dear Roland This is nothing to worry about my dear chap. A person of my position always faces natural scrutiny when unexpected occurences take place, it is one of the weights of public office I am afraid. Lady Agatha is right to be concerned about My welfare as she has not had the experience of your good natured and impressive acuity, which I of course have had to full satisfaction. For all she knows you might some shabby south of the equator scoundrel. Lady Agatha is informally in charge of My personal welfare as she is of the Royal Family as a whole. Please bear with us in this matter. You will see that I have reassured her that all is well, but her Department may we able to offer some travel advice, which I know Marmite is keen to establish before departure. MARGARET Lady Agatha Bristol June 15 Your Highness, Thank you for your note. Sir Marmite is indeed correct to be concerned. Whilst Mr. Henry is indeed an upstanding citizen, our initial security checks revealed one or two rather interesting issues. It would appear that he is a Platinum Member of the Accra branch of Victoria's Secret, and that his last three orders for undergarments have been on the rather large size - quite a contradiction to his request to Tossov that his wife's outfit be on the small side. One is not casting aspersions. And a gentleman must take his pleasure where he may, though I had to remind Princess Candy that this was not a laughing matter. But while this little revelation will not, in my view, threaten our transaction, it is best that you are kept informed. I shall, on your next instruction, be pleased to make the travel arrangements. Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Prince John Tutu From: "prince tutu" <icbnk-tutupj@hotmail.com> To: HRH Princess Margaret CC: peterandmartin@yahoo.com Subject: ATTACHED COPY Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 X-Originating-IP: [192.116.77.111] X-Originating-Email: [icbnk-tutupj@hotmail.com] ATTACHED COPY. [This was a Word document. The "stationery" has been displayed here, the text is simply copied. The metadata hinted at someone named Emeka.] Director, International Remittance Unit International Commercial Bank Accra, Ghana. To: Mr. Peter Martin Franchised Bank Agent ABN AMRO Bank Amsterdam Netherlands To the kind attention of: HRH Princess Margaret Dear Madam. RE: TRANSFER PAYMENT PROCEDURES We have acknowledged the receipt of your letter dated 14th June,2005 on the content requesting the onward transfer of the $ 25,000,000(Twenty-Five Million United States Dollars) of Late Mr. Joseph Kagame into your nominated overseas account name. This deposit fund transfer was effected by Mr. Henry .A. Roland on behalf of Mrs. Mary Kagame, the wife and the true next of kin to the depository. Hence, following our International Money Transfer policies, We bring to your understanding that any single transfer payment of funds above $15,000,000(Fifteen Million United States Dollars) into any individual or company s nominated overseas account name must be effected through our corresponding Overseas affiliate ABN AMRO Bank,Amsterdam,Netherland. We hereby kindly advised that you contact our franchised bank agent who shall guide you on the transfer procedures. Mr. Peter Martin Franchised Bank Agent ABN AMRO Bank Amsterdam, Netherland Tel: 009-31-645268152 Fax: 009-31-206730316 Email:peterandmartin@yahoo.com Thanking you for our co-operation, P.J.Tutu (B.sc, MBA) Good to see this chap operates from beneath a shopping mall. So reassuring -HRH Roland Henry Subject: RE Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret I thank you and wish you well as you greatly derserved all the immunities and welfares.Any information from Mr.Tutu? Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 15 Dear Roland I have had a document from your Mr Tutu and in it in turn he is asking me to contact someone else. I must admit to being rather confused. I thought I was dealing with yourself and he alone? I am worried in case we lose the element of discretion. Also there is no indication of what this third person will require from Us. Captain Stabbin tells me that the SS Lucky Lad has now been outfitted satisfactorily. As Mr Tossov has now delivered the outfits We have promised you (rather garish I must admit and designed for the fuller figure I would suggest, but I am sure it is all the taste in your part of the world) We are keen to expedite our departure. Can we not continue this business more comfortably face to face when we arrive? It would only be a matter of few days. Should matters be pressing I have been assured that I can still make contact from the boat Lady Agatha continues to have specific doubts about your mental abilities, I do hope that you can reassure her. MARGARET In which Roland pretends not to know what his comrade in crime has sent me... Roland Henry Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret First,I want to see the document sent to you by Mr.Tutu and have an adequate information of the third person you are talking about.Also,I thank you the suit dress as you are such a wonderful woman of character. About lady Agatha,tell her that she needed not to be skeptical about my mental abilities,that we were a former British colony.Please let me have a copy of the document ASAP. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 16 Dear Roland Here are attached the documents sent to Me by Mr Titu. As you can see, there is an apparent need to send them onto a third person which is confusing to say the least. I hope to be aboard the Lucky Lad with a small crew, Marmite and my niece this weekend. Is there anything else you would like to be brought from England before we set sail? Perhaps a bag of toffees from Harrods or something for your livestock? Please advise as it is the least We can do. Have you replied to Stabbin about the docking and sailing queries he has by the way? I know that he is concerned about local conditions. In particular will it be safe to tie up in the harbour given the rough and ready nature of your countrymen working there? We have a valuable capstan as well as other removables on deck and would not want it to be filched. MARGARET Lady Agatha Bristol JUne 16 Your Highness, I trust all is going well. We are in receipt of the e-mails to Mr. Henry. What tea does he prefer? Given his no doubt rustic tastes I would suggest the Bowden Darjeeling. On a more general perspective, I note that this transaction is proceeding rather quickly. I am unaware of your feelings towards the initial security check results, but I would, if I may ma'am, urge caution in all dealings with these people. One would hate to see a repeat of the Custard Affair. Do let me know if I can offer any assistance. Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Roland Henry Her Majesty Princess Margaret I got a copied letter from Agatha Bristol.Let her know that I will compliment all her efforts towards the travelling arrangement as I can see that she's not leaving any stone unturned as a good loyalist to her highness. Regards, Mr.Roland Lady Agatha Bristol June 16 Your Highness, I am not entirely sure what the gentleman is trying to say. Would you mind awfully translating? Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London HRH Princess Margaret June 16 Dear Lady Agatha Thank you for your continued and helpful advice. I shall copy Mr Roodhen in, as it seems unfair to talk about him behind his back. As far is tea is concerned I think the Dahjeeling is a good choice. Anything else may prove bewildering for the poor fellow who, one supposes rarely gets more than Tetleys. I am noted your continued concerns about the security checks. Mr Roodhen has of course signed the Oath of Allegience and has a trustworthy face. Does this count for so little? We earnestly wish to proceed with this business and modalities are pressing. MARGARET Roland Henry Subject: RE Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret I have carefully read the letter in question.There is no problem,though I was slightly confused as you were.Well.What I understood from the letter is that ICB's affiliate corresponding bank,ABN AMRO make the payment transfer of fund above $15,000,000.Meaning that they have to handle the payment transfer of the $25,000,000 into your account.That's okay.So you contact the said franchised bank agent at ABN AMRO so that we hear on the modalities in the transfer procedure.All my whole objective in this transfer is for the total fund of $25,000,000 to go into your account in bulk and not in bits because it was transferred in bulk/totality from the finance company to the bank without any reduction.At least,I paid for all the bonded charges incurred by the fund while in the tills of the finance company.About Mr.Stabin's inquiry,I will clarify him ASAP. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret June 16 Dear Roland All this sounds frightfully complicated. Can it not be sorted out when we arrive there on the Lucky Lad? I would hate to do things in a rush and get them wrong. I am very keen to see you get what is surely coming to you, but done properly. Also would it be possible for you to draft out the sort of request document you have in mind for Me to cast an eye over? I am sure you will be much better at this sort of job than I, there's a good chap. Don't worry about the spelling and grammar, which I know are not your real strengths, I can check it I am sure. MARGARET Roland Henry Her Majesty Princess Margaret, I just got another copied letter from Agatha Bristol.I advise that in as much as she's the head of special operations,Foreign office,I really want her to know that I have served as a commisioner for Special duties in a past government in my state.And that I believe that matters of logistics are most paramount in the travelling arrangement like this.But in the interim,just have it in your mind that all forms of curiosity/feelings concerning this transfer can only be justified by its actualisation in the short-run. Regards, Mr.Roland Lady Agatha Bristol June 16 Dear Mr. Henry, Thank you for your note. Between ourselves, I remain deeply suspicious of your motives. I have dealt with revolting tribesmen like you before, and I am aware that all you are interested in is lining your pockets. HRH Princess Margaret is a kindly and trusting soul and our feeling is that you are going to try to take advantage of her good nature. In short: we'll be watching you very closely. One false move, Henry, and you'll be bent over a prison bunk for your cellmates' entertainment faster than you can say "419". Yours, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Roland Henry Dear Agatha, I thank you on your understanding letter.I appreciate the fact that you are doing what's highly expected of you by her highness in your duties.I being a bonafide citizen of a British Colony,I can only attest to that few men of good repute cannot stand up to praise themselves.But I advise you do your job for her highness as we hope to have a good field day in our business relationship. Regards, Mr.Roland Lady Agatha Bristol Dear Mr Henry, It's Lady Agatha to you; I am not one of your village elders! I am pleased that my e-mail has penetrated your consciousness. We have an understanding, then. Very well. I shall recommend to Her Highness that we go ahead as planned - but you will be watched very closely. Yours, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Roland Henry Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret I thank you the efforts so far.And as you have categorically pointed out,we have to act accordingly and not rushing over things because I want to have all the total fund transferred into your account.Now,Since the International commercial bank letter from Mr.Tutu has defined that payment transfer above $15,000,000 will be handled by their corresponding bank,ABN AMRO,in Amsterdam and the Kagame's fund is more than it($25,000,000),so I advise you contact Mr.Peter Martins of the financial institution and if possible book an appointment immediately with him and let him know you are coming immediately.Please this is what I feel you have to do as the transfer procedure has demanded.Do the best for the Kagame's family as I have updated Mrs.Mary Kagame of your correspondences so far. And for the last letter I got from Agatha Bristol,I felt very bad but I will not say anything because I understand she's doing her good job.But let her control her temperaments and proceed with her duties. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Roland I appreciate your comments but you will understand that Lady Agatha has My best interests at heart. I am sure you appreciate that, as I have mentioned before, my position means that one can not be to careful especially as far as irregular business is concerned Any Tom, Dick or Harry could contact Us here at the Palace and attempt actions which might prove embarrassing to Us. One has to be especially carefully when dealing with the third world, as (and I know you will agree) countries like your own are jammed full of miscreants, knaves and greasy conmen of all kinds, all too willing to prey on the weak and gullible. Although mean spirited and of low intelligence it does not mean that they can be ignored as a risk. Thank goodness I am convinced of your honesty in this matter! Let us pass onto more pleasant matters. The boat is readied, your fine suit installed and both Marmite and Candice say they are ready to sail this weekend. It will take us about 5 days to reach you, with a fair wind. What accomodation can you recommend at the other end or shall we be expected to sleep on board? Pick Us out a nice hotel, theres a good chap. MARGARET Lady Agatha Bristol Your Highness, Thank you for your note. Of course, the Oath is very important. But Agent Stroganov and Special Agent Miracsky have expressed their doubts over this project, and indeed the wisdom of you travelling to the Colonies. If I may be so bold, the last thing one wants is some ghastly little tribesman putting his greasy hands on your person. With this in mind I suggest we take standard sidearms plus a few extra pieces of hardware. I shall ensure the Darjeeling is packed. Do you wish me to brief Dr. Shipman on the flight plan? Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Lady Agatha Bristol Your Highness, As you can see below, at least Mr. Henry is aware of where his loyalty lies. One issue, if I may. I have spoken at length to Captain Stabbin and he suggests we enter Africa from behind, so to speak, via the scenic route as the Smegaroon Islands are beautiful this time of year. On a more cautionary note, he recommends that we do not take any chances on security, given the size of the Royal Party and that the Colonies can be dangerous, given the type of person one meets there. I have, therefore, prepared a list of recommended equipment for this voyage. 6 x Stinger rocket launchers 4 x TakeDown Sniper Rifles with BowdenOptic Sights 10 x Levy Pump-Action Shotguns, with pistol grip 10 x .45 pistols, with extra magazines 4 x MP5 DropDead machine pistols, with extra magazines 6 x Tavor CTAR-21 assualt rifles, with extra magazines 6 x Uzi 9mm machine pistols I trust this is useful. Upon your approval I shall check with Michael Ryan, our Quartermaster, and get these weapons stowed. Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Roland Henry Dear Lady Agatha, I thank you for your mail response and I remain loyal to her highness. Regards, Mr.Roland Roland Henry Subject: RE Date: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret Least I forget,I kindly suggest you arrive at tema port that is very close to Accra.And since am not a marine man and do not know about the sea route.The best option is for you to come by air.And you have to let me know if you are comming with another identity so that you will not attract press or natives as you have been so particular and sceptical about native gossips as you have earlier said .You should know that such huge transfers in this likes are treated with a high degree of confidentiality. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Roland I have considered your words carefully. But at the moment the weather is so temperate, and Captain Stabbin has grown so enthusiastic about the pleasures of sailing, that I feel that Our little ocean journey will be both unavoidable as well as a pleasure. Please bear with us in this. I am sure that once We reach Tema, and you see our trim little vessel, then you will forgive us our little indulgences. I am sure that I can then prevail upon the good captain to take you out for a short cruise of sorts, this as long as you promise to not to remove anything valuable from the boat without permission. I saw Stabbin this afternoon, down at the royal harbour and he says We are fair set for a prompt departure this weekend. Candice is growing very excited at the chance to travel with us, and when she got back in from nightclubbing last night she spent a good hour in her room with Sir Marmite, excitedly choosing and showing off her outfits for the adventure! I do hope you are well and look forward to seeing you soon. Have you any suggestions about accomodation for our party by the way? I mentioned our requirements before, and stressed the importance of decent linen and what not. Perhaps you have some female friends who might wish to be introduced to Marmite? I know he likes to meet and make friends with ladies when he can. My regards to your village folk, MARGARET Roland Henry 17 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret I thank you for all the information and shall put all things in place.Well,yestersday,I sent a mail to Mr.Tutu about your application on the transfer of the fund coupled with the present subsequent transfer development on contacting Mr.Peter Martin,ABN AMRO Bank and I asked him that he has to assist us in the direct total transfer of the fund from International Commercial Bank as we cannot proceed with the contact of Mr.Peter Martin,rather since its within their jurisdiction to transfer not more than a single transfer of $15,000,000,his office can handle it on $15,000,000 and $10,000,000 respectively.And I have been waiting for his reply before I can get back to you and now from his feedback,this is what he said a,That you are to open a domicilary account with the International Commercial bank with a mininium of 3,000 USD as the registration of the transfer requires. b,That you need the consultation of an Attorney in Ghana that will go to the ministry to procure the International money transfer permit order for the transfer valued at 6,200 USD from the Ghanaian Ministry of Finance. c,That you will have to pay 0.375% equivalent to 93,750.00 USD of the transfer sum of $15,000,000USD and 10,000,000 USD totalling to 25,000,000 USD to the International Commercial bank as the transfer charges. These are the breakdown details of the transfer from Mr.Tutu.And I feel more comfortable now that we have these transfer costings at hand and good that everthing will now be done in Ghana as we have earlier scheduled on our travelling arrangemnets instead of going to Netherland.Please,contact Mr.Tutu on this and do not forget to copy any letter you send to him to me. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Roland These seems straightforward enough. May we pay in dorks? MARGARET Hettie Meshuganah, assistant to Sir Charles Farnes-Barnes To: "Princess Margaret" Date: Sat, 18 Jun 2005 Your Royal Highness, Two matters Sir Charles Farnes-Barnes wishes to bring to your attention: 1. Do you wish to use the Slovenian golden dorks account you hold at the Chavster, Manfred and Newman Merchant Bank to pay Mr Roland's colleagues ? If so, would you please contact Mr Joseph Kucker to arrange the transfer, presumably by Western Union. 2. Sir Charles had luncheon yesterday with His Excellency the Thane of Cawdor and His Excellency wishes to be remembered to the now retired Harbour Master of Tema, Mr Edgar Collingwood-Williams. Therefore would you please pass on his regards if you meet Mr Collingwood-Williams who His Excellency met when Mr C-W worked in Rome for Ghana Airways. It appears that Mr C-W possessed an intimate knowledge of the Eternal City and especially of an establishment known as The White Elephant on the Via Veneto. Your humble Servant, Hettie Meshuganah Personal Assistant to Charles Farnes-Barnes HRH Princess Margaret June 20 Dear Roland My apologies for the delay in replying to you. Embarkation has proved more of a stress than one might have wished for, what with all the luggage we have, your suit and your lady's frock and whatnot, but we are finally, yes finally, off! I must admit to some excitement now that the voyage has actually started! I shan't bore you with all of our little crises and alarums as we prepared hurredly to set off (and I am sure that Stabbin will be in touch from the sailor's viewpoint, asking for answers to more specific, technical matters). Marmite and Candice have the second cabin while I have the main one with a splendid view over the aft binnacle. Have you ever been in a yacht? I have a sneaking suspicion Mr Roland, at least after looking once again at your strong face, that you are very likely to be all at sea once We arrive. I find the whole business very romantic. But please excuse the spinsterish twitterings of an excited older woman, whose life has been singularly short of adventure until now. Stabbin says that, with luck I should be able to e-mail from on board ship, a most welcome innovation. I only hope this first message reaches you and would welcome a confirmation of receipt. Now to business. After some discussion on board, We have settled upon our new identities for the visit to Tema, and let us hope that the decisions will ensure some secrecy. The perils of exposure weigh as heavily on our minds as one of the Lucky Lad's anchors do upon Stabbin's polished decks. For the purposes of our business, I shall be called Anne Widdecombe and Sir Marmite will be Ken Livingstone. Candice has chosen Lolita Rodwell. Please make a careful note of these names. I must sign off now as the lunch bell has sounded but I wait to hear from you Fondest regards, Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Roland Henry Date: Sat, 18 Jun 2005 Her Majesty, Princess Margaret Sorry,the payment is not my primary concern at the moment as I know you can do that well through Mr.Tutu inrespective of what I have already committed financially in paying for the bonded charges of the fund incurred with the finnace company.But I may wish to cancel our partnership in this transfer if we do not arrange for our meeting face to face for the transfer in our best interest.Yes,we are being colonized by Britain and you must agree with me that we are subjects to the British Empire.Please I have contacted you for a confidential and legitimate transfer of huge fund and this should be take place between the two of us.The idea of you coming with two or three of your relatives are okay for the enjoyment of the touris attraction as part of the transaction and not Lady Agatha threatening me with such a underserved letter. Please,I did not contact you for WAR but for good transfer which most afluential and influential men in the region do the same transfer without any governmental gossips and monitoring.I could remember you have earlier asked me if you are to use another identity for this,and I said no to it.But,I now advise in the interest of good business relationship and to avoid undeserved mointoring of govenment in the transfer,I suggest you think of the best way to go ahead with this,that's coming under an undisclosed identity as most of the foreign partners do for such huge fund transfer.Honestly,am tired and sick of this threatenings and bombshells from Lady Agatha.See below her penultimate letter to me. I have, therefore, prepared a list of recommended equipment for this voyage. 6 x Stinger rocket launchers 4 x TakeDown Sniper Rifles with BowdenOptic Sights 10 x Levy Pump-Action Shotguns, with pistol grip 10 x .45 pistols, with extra magazines 4 x MP5 DropDead machine pistols, with extra magazines 6 x Tavor CTAR-21 assualt rifles, with extra magazines 6 x Uzi 9mm machine pistols [Does he expect Royalty to walk around unarmed?] HRH Princess Margaret Dear Roland I have just opened your next message and I sympathise with you entirely. However please understand Lady Agatha's concerns. She is responsible for the security of Myself and Our little party, and she is inclined to overreact if she feels that some issues in respect of assurances are cloudy. She still has visions of a visit we made to But you may rest assured that, like the rest of Us she ultimately wishes to see that you get what is coming to you, and in the best possible way. Incidentally, I find now that I am lacking useful tourist information pertaining to Accra and the local area. Do you have any suggestions for our little party when our business is transacted? I have mentioned Marmite's penchant for a good hole or two, and I know that he still awaits your kind response in this area. Also, Candice is fond of taking in the night life and I must admit can be rather a handful. Are there any night clubs near your camp, where hip hop is the preferred musical expression for the resident combo? If you have difficulties in being admitted to any local, but more select venues, then I am sure I can have a word with the management in these instances. It seems the least we can do. As for myself I like a good temple or two perhaps some shopping and cream tea. What can you arrange? It is rather foggy outside as I compose these words. Stabbin admits to some shortcomings as to navigation during such conditions, but I am sure he knows where we are. Best wishes Margaret Roland Henry 19 Jun 2005 Her Majesty, Princess Margaret, I spoke with Mr.Tutu on the payment consideration and he said the payment can take place where pleases you, more especially in the banking hall.And since my phone line is not on International roaming,I suggest upon your arrival,you call Mr.Tutu on +233243331886 immediately.Also,I need an update on the last mail I sent to you concerning lady Agatha and her security threatenings where I expect criticality to be looked into. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Roland I am sorry to have written to you so many times today. But please don't get yourself in a panic, old chap. As I have already mentioned, Lady Agatha has Our best interests at heart. Surely you can't expect a person of My standing to just turn up in your country without at least some consideration of the necessities by Our subordinates? I am sure after all that you are more than familiar with the reckless and criminous nature of some of your countrymen? I see it on the Discovery Channel all the time. Please reassure Me about Mr Tittu. Will he be intelligible on the phone? I know how excitable you fellows can get. MARGARET Roland Henry 20 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret I believe Mr.Tutu is good and he speaks English well.I have spoken with him on couple of times and he's very inteligent on phone and he speaks fluently.After speaking with him,you confirm his level of intelligence to me as we,West Africans colonized by Britain speak English as our standard language. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Good Morning Roland I am typing this after a brisk walk around the deck, sea gulls flocking to Me, eating McVities Digestives from my out stretched hands. What a wonderful, uplifting experience! I feel so invigorated now we are at sea! I have read carefully your comments about Mr Tutu and will of course abide by your judgement. If, once I am in deeper conversation with the fellow, he proves surly or intransigent after the regular native fashion, rest assured you will hear of it. As for the continuation of this business, I want to have things ready for when we arrive. Should I ask my banker to stand by? MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret I thank you for noting my kind comment on the need for our business relationship not WAR which has to do with arms and amunitions as lady Agatha has invariably employed on her threatenings.Like I have made you know we are a colony under British Empire and we accord respect to the British royalty.You do not tend to have any kind of problem with anybody.I have taken note of the hidden identities as you have stated.I reassured you that Mr.Tutu is a kind and accomodating man as I have come to know more of his goodness in matters relating to this transfer.We hope that he will use his good office to see us through in this transfer and we must surely reward him.That's the more reason you have to commuincate with him so that you get acquainted with his passionate talks. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret 21 June Dear Roland I am sure Lady Agatha knows the level of protection Our party requires the best as she has seen duty in Merseyside. However there are one or two elements of the kit which can perhaps be toned down. I am not sure, for one about the rocket grenades & etc, perhaps a little over the top. We shall see. But can you assure us that your country is presently entirely peaceful and free of brigands? One hears so many dreadful stories about burning tyre necklaces, abductions and murder squads. Have just had Scottish kipper and scrambled egg on deck with Marmite and Candice (looking splendid in her polka dot bikini) washed down with an excellent muscadet. You and your woman really must join us when we dock, for this is absolutely splendid! MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 Her Majesty Princess Margaret We welcome you warmly to West Africa sub-region (Ghana).Note that all your heart desires will be addressed and properly taken care of.There are few night clubs around here where they play hip hop .Night life here is very excellent since Ghana is a tourist country. There is high level of freedom and justice by the folks and government.Definitely,you and your loyalists will have all you want.Stabbin should take care of Navigation till you safely arrive.Immediately you arrive like I told you, you will be on hand with Prince John Tutu(director of international Remittance Icb) to welcome her highness to the land of Gold.Even before your arrival,Mr.Tutu has advised me to tell you to call him on +233243331886.He will like to have a word with you pending you arrival to the land of Gold. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Princess Margaret Dear Roland Barely 11 am and I find myself writing to you again! I must admit a growing fondness for a man whose dedication to business is so consistent. I have noted well your comments vis a vis Mr Titu. I shall endeavour to call him before landfall but transmission on board is not very reliable. I have brought my mobile but, rather to my chagrin, have discovered that it does not work this far out at sea. Let us hope that Mr Titu can make allowances. Candice asks if you can discover more about the club scene, dress code and whatnot. She has a couple of outfits stowed away here which may raise eyebrows if the membership is unsophisticated, if you know what I mean. Will Mr Titu or yourself be the first to meet us at the other end? Has Stabbin contacted you about local conditions yet? I know he has some questions for you. Please write soon dear Roland I am growing quite fond of my little man with the money. MARGARET Capt. Stabbin June 21 Ahoy there Mr Roland! Am making excellent headway and hope to reach you in a few days if the trade winds hold up. Ship is sailing beautifully although the vasdefer ends need watching. Are you a sailing man, Mr Roland? Do know the splendours of the open sea, or have you ever been up a creek with a paddle? Please, I need urgent information on Tema Port viz: Harbour Master name and contact details Berth size of principal docking area, as we do not have a retractable hull! High tide and low tide tables Update on local conditions Any customs requirements. HRH is loath to use priviledge in this matter though might have to and we have some tricky items on board. Also is it OK that your suit is slightly damp? STABBIN Capt. Stabbin NN (ret.d) Aboard the SS Lucky Lad 33' 67" W 78' 67" N HRH Princess Margaret June 22 Dear Roland I was wondering if there is an update on the Titu situation? I worry when things go quiet at your end. Our boat is making fair progress towards Tema, though Candice was a little sick after the rocking she got last night. Luckily Marmite was able to attend to her needs this morning. Stabbin says he has some questions outstanding. Have you been able to get back to him yet? I am looking forward to seeing you soon. MARGARET Oh dear - no messages today from our dear Mr Roland, our interpid scammer. Has he got sea sick? If they are going to bugger off they could at least do so by spluttering half-literate threats [Or maybe the Ghana Police (www.ghanapolice.org) escorted Mr. Henry over the border.] HRH Princess Margaret June 23 Dear Mr Roland We are very disturbed at your cuurent lack of communication. Whether is due to technical problems or some civil unrest at your end, it makes us nervous and we are tempted to forgo this business and continue our little voyage a bit further down the coast. Sir Marmite, I know, feels that the lack of reassurance in this matter (your Mr Titti, who seemed so efficient, has gone quiet too) is very disturbing and does not augur well for the impending modalities. He is shut in his cabin, brooding on the turn of events, I dare say. By chance he has spoken to a Mrs Abacha, also by email and her comments about your promising scheme, which sound as if they are borne out of experience, it must be said were not very polite. In a way I wish I had known this before. If things do fall apart, it will still be such a shame as we have hopes up, your clothes stowed aboard together with one or two other little knick knacks for you from England, and an idea of your good faith. However these things happen, and I suppose We can always give your stuff to the Red Cross - although who is going to wear such odd, baggy pants I have no idea. In any case, unless we hear from you shortly we may have to adjust our plans before we make fools of ourselves. MARGARET Lonslo Tossov Sent: 24 June 2005 Subject: TO ROLAND ROLAND YOU MUPPET HEADED MUGU I HAVE JUST HEARD FROM HRH THAT YOU HAVE ABRUPTLY GIVEN UP ON THE BUSINESS IN HAND WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A SINGLE SENSIBLE REASON OR APOLOGY OTHER THAN YOUR OWN COMMERCIAL INCOMPETENCE_THIS AFTER I SPENT LONG HOURS INTO THE NIGHT SEWING AND CUTTING OUT YOUR OUTFIT WHICH NOW APPEARS AN EXERCISE IN ABSOLUTE FUTILITY!!_I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW SIR THAT IT COSTS A GOOD DEAL OF EFFORT AND SKILL TO TAILOR A REASONABLE FIT ESPECIALLY ROUND THAT FLABBY POSTERIOR AND UNPREPOSSESSING THIGH WIDTH OF YOURS _AS WELL AS ACCOMODATING YOUR STUNTED ARM LENGTH INTO A SMART JACKET I MAY ADD _NOT ONLY THAT BUT I WAS THEN EXPECTED TO MAKE THE BEST ESTIMATE OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS VITAL STATISTICS WHICH MEANT THAT THE TRIBAL TROLLOP WAS LIKELY TO BE DRESSED UP LIKE A DOGS DINNER WHEN SHE FINALLY GOT THE CLOTHES OUT OF YOUR GRABBY FINGERS AT THE OTHER END DOING MY HARD WON REPUTATION NO GOOD AT ALL_EVEN THIS I DO NOT MIND SO MUCH FOR MYSELF BEING OF A KINDLY AND UNDERSTANDING DISPOSITION AS I AM BUT YOUR TREATMENT OF HER MAJESTY IS ENTIRELY REPREHENSIBLE_ ALTHOUGH I DARE SAY TO BE EXPECTED FROM A SWEATY EX COLONIAL LIKE YOURSELF_ ONE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT ENEMIES OF YOURS CATCH UP WITH YOU SIR AND SHOOT YOU THROUGH THE NOSE IN DUE COURSE_ IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU? Lonslo Tossov [No reply was expected after such a volley, but Roland is undeterred. It's all about the sale.] Roland Henry Date: Mon, 4 Jul 2005 Princess Margaret, How are you today?Sorry for my absence.I have been hosipitalised since last I wrote to you.I developed a slight fever which climaxed to a serious ailment.I wondered why you did not care to call my line to know my whereabouts.All the same, I shall communicate to Mr.Tutu ASAP to know the situation.As every human is just like a machine that can break down anytime anyday. God Bless You, Mr.Roland HRH Margaret July 5 Dear Mr Roland I am surprised that you have cheek to write to me again to be frank. After preparing you a lovely full bottomed suit and provisioning our yacht we set sail with all good intentions, only to have you disappear and leave us in the lurch. I was much chagrined to put it mildly, as were the others in the party. Could a wife or another of your tawdry tribe made some excuses on your behalf? Fortunately we were able to make the best of things and take a short break elsewhere making the best of a bad job. This whole unhappy affair has hardly put your intentions in the best light. What do you have to say for yourself? MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Roland Henry Date: Tue, 5 Jul 2005 My dear Princess, I appologise and I suggest you do not think otherwise.I am not God who can say exactly when,where and how somebody can die.My illhealth was improptu.Even,Mr.Tutu is not aware of my sudden ill-health.Even Mrs Kagamme has expressed her sympathy on me.Please,I will contact Mr.Tutu to know what best he will do to assist us in transferring the fund.That's the only way forward since he has said that his bank can transfer the fund into 15M USD and IOM USD.After which I will arrange for the Kagame's travelling arrangment to London while you wait for us.I applogise for any inconviences caused to you and your entourage so far.But just hope that we shall meet in UK ASAP.Whatever you have for me,keep in tact as we hope to finish with this transfer into your account shortly and be with eachother.Once again,I thank you for your understanding. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Margaret July 6 Dear Mr Roland Naturally We are alarmed to discover that you have been ill (in fact I remember thinking that you looked a little off colour in your photograph, but put it down to eating habits). You will appreciate that the massive waste of time We have endured, as well as the abrupt disappointment means that We are considerably disillusioned. Whilst We would be happy to receive either yourself and a wife or two, or even this Mr Kagammy in London at some point, We would want some reassurances in place before things are set in hand again, sir. This is not child's play. And what about apologies to poor Captin Stabbin and Tossov? Quite a few feathers have been ruffled by your previous rudeness, I can tell you that. MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Wed, 6 Jul 2005 Dear Princess Margaret, Please I do render my applogises to them.Also,tell them to accept my reassurances.I have written to Mr.Tutu,has he contacted you? Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Margaret July 6 Dear Mr Roland I have not heard from Mr Titu yet. When exactly will he write? Also I am sure it will be better coming directly from yourself as far as making apologies to the two gentlemen you have previously upset. Mr Tossov, who takes great pride in his work, I know was particulary put out. I am told since that the whole affair caused him a great deal of anguish, so much that so that he is hard put to measure and cut out the pants demanded of him. Let us see if you can do this and then perhaps, just perhaps, we can look at doing business again. But I am still very much alarmed by your behaviour. MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Thu, 7 Jul 2005 Dear Princess Margaret, Please,you are in a better position to render the appologises to thgem on my behalf.Well,Mr.Tutu wrote to me asking for the payment of the transfer detailed payment which I have as at then sent to you.Tell me how you want to pay so that I will get him informed. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Margaret July 7 Dear Mr Roland I am afraid that won't do my dear chap. It is hardly my place to offer apologies on your behalf and this sort of dissembling reveals a most unfortunate attituude on your part. I think just a few lines from yourself, admitting your failings in a humble matter, best befitting a native who has let us all down is what is needed. Your acceptance of the damage done is acceptable to me, although I must say that I am still hesitating, and am far from having the confidence I had in this matter a week or so ago, I must say. Now jot down a few lines at once, and stop this dilly dally, as it is the only real way to get the business back on track which I am sure is what you want. There is no messing with honour you know. Incidentally, assuming we get this awkwardness smoothed out, will you still want the suit from Cack & Chavster? If so I can see if Tossov can salvage it from the charity bags. MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Fri, 8 Jul 2005 To: Captin_Stabbin@natal.de Subject: RE Mr.Stabin, I wish to let you know of my ill-health which affected our meeting in Ghana.Hope you accept my appology for the disappointment. Regards, Mr.Roland Roland Henry Dear Agatha, I wish to let you know of my ill-health which affected our meeting in Ghana.Hope you accept my appology for the disappointment. Regards, Mr.Roland Lady Agatha Bristol July 8 My dear Henry, It's Lady Agatha to you. I am not one of your village elders! Make sure you don't step out of line again, Henry. I do not believe for a moment you were sick, rather you were assessing your other targets. We're watching you. Yours Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Roland Henry Date: Fri, 8 Jul 2005 Dear Princess Margaret, I have sent the aplogetic mails to Lonslo,Agatha,and Stabin respectivey. Regards, Mr.Roland Lonslo Tossov July 12 ROLAND HRH HAS BEEN SO KIND AS TO EXPLAIN TO ME YOUR ALLEGED NATIVE INDISPOSITION PRECLUDING COMPLETION OF SOME IMPORTANT BUSINESS IN HAND_ SO I AM GRUDGINGLY PREPARED TO ACCEPT THIS BELATED APOLOGY_IT WILL HOWEVER HARDLY EXPUNGE THE MEMORY OF WASTED FINE CLOTH AND SKILLED EFFORT OVER YOUR PANTS AND JACKET_LET ALONE THE BARRAGE BALLOON STYLE REQUIRED OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS GARB WHICH REQUIRED COMPROMISES BOTH IN STYLE AND STITCH STRENGTH_IN FUTURE SIR I SUGGEST STRONGLY THAT YOU WORK WITH OUTFITTERS ELSEWHERE AS I FEAR I HAVE NO MORE PATIENCE WITH YOUR CACK HANDED ATTITUDE TOSSOV Roland Henry Date: Sat, 9 Jul 2005 Dear Princess Margaret Below here is the payment details. a,That you are to open a domicilary account with the International Commercial bank with a mininium of 3,000 USD as the registration of the transfer requires. b,That you need the consultation of an Attorney in Ghana that will go to the ministry to procure the International money transfer permit order for the transfer valued at 6,200 USD from the Ghanaian Ministry of Finance. c,That you will have to pay 0.375% equivalent to 93,750.00 USD of the transfer sum of $15,000,000USD and 10,000,000 USD totalling to 25,000,000 USD to the International Commercial bank as the transfer charges. How do we pay? so as to get the fund transfered as quick as possible as we agreed. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Margaret July 12 Dear Roland After some hesitation we have decided to take this business to the next stage. I am worried about this financial institution you recommend, though. Is it reliable? One hears so many horror stories about riots and corrupt officials in your neck of the woods. Can things not be done through one of my own banks? The $3000 should not be a problem. Do you take Dorks? I have an account with the Hippo Bank. Please advise. MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 Dear Princess Margaret, Every payment is usually by cash through the world control currency dollar.I paid in cash dollars for the bonded charges with the security firm and transfer documentation from the security company to the bank all in cash dollars.The cash dollar should be made to Mr.Tutu.Once you are ready,I will ask him for payment information details.Do you want to pay through western union or account name.For the bank you have suggested,send your bank account details to me so that I will write to Mr.Tutu. Regards, Mr Roland HRH Margaret July 16 Dear Mr Henry What is happening? I have heard nothing, and I have Hippo Bank standing by for the transfer. MARGARET Roland Henry Date: Sat, 16 Jul 2005 Dear Princess, You are the one holding back the transfer since I have not gotten any information from you if you have sent your account details to the bank and a copy of your valid International/Driver's license identity to the bank.Secondly,the payment of the fees. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Margaret July 17 Dear Roland Please don't take this uppity tone with Me my good man. You are not talking to one of your tribal drinking partners or a herdsman in the bush. As far as I am concerned this paperwork has been done and should be in hand. Kindly check and let us proceed with no more delay. Modalities are pressing and We are just as eager as yourself. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto Roland Henry Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 Dear Princess Margaret, Sorry for any misunderstanding I may have caused between us.It's just that Mr.Tutu must have your account details and Id for them to act on the transfer.With them available,we make the payment. Regards, Mr.Roland HRH Margaret July 18 Dear Mr Roland We quite understand that. As I have already said, I believe these items have been sent already. Can you not check with your Mr Titti that matters are in hand? These delays are rather an inconvenience and We so want to press on. MARGARET More to come?