A REAL CHARLIE, or NO MUSIC, NO DORKS
Jukebox label courtesy Impact Theatre. If you're just here for the song, head on down. Click here if you just want to see the video.	In this long scambait (June '06 - September '07), the Foreign Office staff teach 'Prince Charles Nwaimo' how to post his own music video on MySpace, help him avoid another scammer, spurn his diamond business deal, and try to steer him onto a career path for which he has more aptitude. 'Charles' still proudly making a fool of himself as of September 5, 2007.	Can a scammer from a poor mining town find happiness as a famous musician?

Prince Charles Nwaimo (princecharlesworld@yahoo.com) - musically inclined scammer
versus
Princess Margaret - not her, a different one
Lonslo Tossov - dispatched by the Foreign Office to keep her out of difficulties (she has a trusting nature)
The Thane of Cawdor - Scottish bard in residence at the Palace
Tushie Meshuganah - of the Holy Bagel Community
Princess Candice Windsor - Princess Margaret's niece
Colonel Brudenell - commanding the Royal Smegaroon Marching Band
Joseph Kucker - Chief Cashier, Chavster, Manfred and Newman Merchant Bank
Mikhail Stroganov - nominally head of Chavster Bank's Overseas Department
Hettie O'Lenner - personal assistant to Joseph Kucker - she knows where the bodies are buried
Regimental Sgt Major Rorke O'Drift - assisting Colonel B.
Agent Bill Haydon - of MI-6
Sir Marmite Luny-Binns - Court Chamberlain and Guardian to Princess Candice
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE - head of Special Operations
Sam Spade - director of Investigations
Hettie O'Lenner - Personal Assistant to Mr Joseph Kucker
Sir Charles Farnes-Barnes - president of Smegaroon Island & head of Chavster Bank
Daddy Freze Yo - head of Ladz Records
Lord Bovril - Royal Accommodations Officer
Phil Munglers - Japanese race driver
Igor Shevchenko - Foreign Office operative
Agent Devon E. Seel - Intel
The Queen Elizabeth Poverty Alleviation Foundation - another scammer trying to scam 'Prince Charles'!
Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie - international hotel consultant
and now!
Raynaz - of the thousand e-faces
Brother Mark Knopfler - of the Church of the Sultans of Swing

Prince Charles Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2006 To: Princess Margaret Subject: hear my cry Dear princess margaret Hear the crying of the needy Hear the crying of the meek Save the children from the street The motherless and homeless HRH Princess Margaret 27 June Dear Charles I am not sure what this is about, is it a joke, have you been drinking too much champagne with Camilla again? Are you still up for the polo this weekend? Sir Marmite has a splendid new pair of johdpurs he wants to break in. Give me a call if you want to chat about the Westminster Abbey jumble sale. MAGGIE Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto, Room 101 The Royal Les Dawson Suite Kensington Doss House, Buckingham London FU2 GlT (+44) (0)20 7930 4832 Prince Charles Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2006 Received: from [81.23.204.187] <-- Web-Sat ISP Operations, Dublin Dear Princess Margaret, Am not a drunker as you said my princess, is just that i really want to further my education and i know that you can help me. I see you as a mother, kindly see the need to help me from my financial handicap my princess to enable me go back to school. Just see me as someone who needs your help my princess. I look forward to hear from you my princess. Thanks and God bless. Yours Faithfully, PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO HRH Princess Margaret 28 June Dear Prince Charles I must apologise, I am somewhat embarrassed! I find that I was confusing you with the Prince Charles we have here at home, a jug eared, somewhat vague fellow, fond of talking to plants and shortly to ascend the throne I would imagine. Upon investigation I discover you and he are not the same. How can I help you? MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2006 Received: from [81.23.204.187] My princess, Am really greatful for your offer, i pray for almighty God to bless you the more and give you strong health in jesus name, Amen. Am willing to feel the form if neccessary my princess, i hereby attach my school bank account details Bank name : United Bank for Africa (UBA) NIGERIA Account name : Ifeanyi Charles Account number :0842120164442 Once again am really greatful for your loving, caring and kindness towards me you have really give me strenght to go on, i mean to face future. Thanks and God bless. PRINCE CHARLES HRH Princess Margaret 02 July Dear Charles (if I may be so bold) Many thanks for the details of your bank, and rest assured now we have this information we are very keen here to see you shortly get what you deserve. I will have Mr Tossov make himself known to you shortly, so that things may proceed apace. Once that is done then we can surely discuss the exact details of the monies, how they can be sent and whatnot. I am sure that, with your prompt replies to his necessary questions and the completion of a few straightforward formalities demanded of hopeful indigents, we can look to alleviating your distress very soon. We do so dislike hearing of sub equatorial unfortunates such as yourself, no doubt skulking around all day in your fly blown hut and what not without a stroke of useful work to do. Please let me know if you have any questions. kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Date: Sat, 1 Jul 2006 Received: from [62.56.146.149] <-- Gilat Satcom, Israel My princess, How are you? hope is well, if so glory be to almighty God. My princess for puting joy in my life once again, i wish to say that as nothing could stop the day from coming forth this morning, so shall no circumstance stand on your way in this life in jesus name i pray, Amen. My princess i forget to attach the bank branch, i hereby inclose the necessary information : Bank name : United Bank for Africa (UBA) NIGERIA Account name : Ifeanyi Charles Account number :0842120164442 Branch : Enugu Main My princess incase it didnt work out with the above bank account please kindlly send it through Western Money Union Transfer it will get to me Branch : Enugu Nigeria. One of my uncle work with Western Money Union Transfer his name is CHARLES CHIDI i suggest you send it with his name because it will be easy for me to get it. Thanks my princess, i really look forward to hear from you. Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret 02 July Dear Charles Have you heard from Mr Tossov yet? I know he has been away at the Smegaroon Charitable Giving Conference these last few days but would expect him to write to you soon now he has made his return. Incidentally are there any other little things, of a practical nature we can offer to help you in the very short term? How are you off for bedding, chamberpots, and hole free pants for instance? I am sure we could look in the stores and find some articles which would be of use. Do let me know. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Lonslo Tossov 04 July CHARLES_I AM ADVISED BY HRH THAT YOU WISH TO AVAIL YOURSELF OF OUR CHARITABLE DISPENSATIONS THESE SAME REPRESENTING AN OPTIONAL LARGESSE OF NO MEAN AMOUNT PAYABLE TO THIRD WORLD INEBRIATES AND INDIGENTS AT THE RARE DISCRETION OF HRH_VERY WELL SIR BUT IT WILL MEAN YOUR COMPLETION OF THE REQUIRED APPLICATION FORM LEGIBLY_HONESTLY_AND PROMPTLY_CAN YOU BE RELIED UPON TO DO THIS AND FURTHERMORE TO KEEP THIS SPECIAL CONTRIBUTION TO YOUR PERSONAL FINANCES DISCREET??_I ASK THIS BLUNTLY SIR AS REST ASSURED THIS CONTRIBUTION SHOULD NOT BE SEEN AS JUST ANOTHER BOOZY BLOWOUT OR FLOOZY FUND COURTESY OF OUR GOOD OFFICES_IS THAT CLEAR??? ONCE I HAVE THESE ASSURANCES I WILL SEND OUT THE NECESSARY WITH INSTRUCTIONS FORTHWITH AND ADVISE HRH ACCORDINGLY_ REST ASSURED OF THAT AWAITING YOUR REPLY SIR TOSSOV Lonslo Tossov Royal Charitable Officer The Court of St James Broadmoor London FU2 GIT 020 7278 6694 07951 593 525 Prince Charles Date: Tue, 4 Jul 2006 Received: from [81.23.204.187] DEAR LONSLO TOSSOV, I really appreciate to hear from you i pray for almighty God to bless you for me. Your contents are well understood and i want you to understand that i look forward to feel the application form with honest. Thanks and God bless you with your hous hold as i look forward to feel the application form in jesus name Amen. PRINCE CHARLES. Lonslo Tossov 04 July CHARLES IS THIS EMAIL SAFE???_ I WOULD NOT WANT YOUR GOOD FORTUNE AND ANY ACCOMPANYING DOCUMENTATION TO FALL INTO THE HANDS OF SOME LIGHT FINGERED COUNTRYMEN_IF SO I WILL SEND THE FORMS SHORTLY AND WILL EXPECT PROMPT DISPATCH BY RETURN FROM YOUR END IS THAT CLEAR?_WE MAY BE A CHARITY BUT WE ARE NOT POSSESSED OF BOUNDLESS PATIENCE T Lonslo Tossov Royal Charitable Officer The Court of St James Prince Charles Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2006 Dear Lonslo Tossov, I have not seen any application form in my box have you send any. I look forth to hera from you. Thanks, Prince Charles. Lonslo Tossov Date: July 5, 2006 CHARLES HERE IS THE FORM_ KINDLY COMPLETE SAME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE_LEGIBLY TOO I MAY ADD_THIS SO THAT WE CAN PROCESS THIS MATTERS QUICKLY_ IS THAT CLEAR? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Registration for Royal Charity Application Form Application for Registration for Charity by NATIVE INDIGENTS and SUB EQUATORIAL MENDICANTS Notes: NAME OF INDIVIDUAL APPLYING FOR REGISTRATION This should be the full name of the organisation or individual as written in the governing document. It will appear on the Certification of Charitable Dispensation as issued, should the application be successful. We have tried to avoid using jargon or technical terms in this application form, however there are some words or phrases which have specific meanings, and these are set out below: Governing document - this is the document or documents which set out the objects or purposes ofthe dispensation and how it is to be spent and administered. It will usually be a declaration of trust, or memorandum of association with this office. Objects - these are the purposes of the charitable dispersement, whether to alleviate distress, or pay for the necessities of third world indigent life style & etc. The Objects set out what the dispersement is intended to achieve (they do not say what they will spent on a daily basis). Objects must be exclusivelycharitable if the allocation is to be recognised as a charitable. Activities - this is what the charitable recipient will do on a day-to-day basis to achieve the objects. Activities must be capable of furthering the objects of the charitable dispensation under consideration. If they are not, then either the organisation or individual is not a charitable item or the objects are wrongly drafted. Executed - this means that the document in question has been signed and dated; it may also need to be sealed. In addition: a deed may need to be stamped by your legal representative or tribal elder(see note below); We can only recognise a charitable cause and offer dispensation which has a properly executed governing document. Certified - To certify a document, a person authorised by the trustees to do so, should write on the document "I certify that this is a true copy of [enter the name of the document]" and sign and date it. Notes for completing the Registration Application Form (APP 1) Please read the following notes before completing this form. Why is it necessary to provide all the information requested on the form? The Royal Household has to apply UK charity law in making decisions to ensure that organisations or individuals applying for extraordinary charitable dispensation meet the legal requirements for such relief, indigent or not. The more information you are able to supply us with at the outset, the better our understanding will be. This makes our decision making easier and will mean that we are able to consider your application more quickly. If the form is not completed as appropriate or any of the information marked on the checklist is missing, we will return the entire application to you for completion and resubmission. We will not consider incomplete applications. How does the registration process work? The Royal Charitable Office, under Lonslo Tossov DFC, has the general function of promoting effective use of charitable resources. We can do this by encouraging better methods of administration, by giving information and advice and by investigating and checking abuses. We have these functions whether or not a charitable organisation has been registered. We believe it is in the interests of charitable requests their supporters and their beneficiaries that they should start life as well equipped as possible to tackle their objectives - and it is far better for potential problem areas to be addressed at the beginning rather than wait until difficulties surface. As a result, throughout the registration process (including any correspondence which results from considering your application), we will address not only the issue of whether you or your organisation is charitable but also any governance issues which arise and on which we think it is appropriate to offer guidance. On some occasions issues may arise where it is not clear whether they relate to charitable status or to governance or both. We will always try to make it clear in our correspondence whether we are raising questions about charitable status or governance, or both. Where we give guidance, we will make it clear whether a particular course must be followed, or whether we are recommending it as good practice. We cannot insist that our recommendations are followed, but we would be concerned if you or your tribe ignored them without good reason. As registration is the first stage in what will be an ongoing relationship between yourself, your dependents, village elders etc and the Commission this is a particularly suitable occasion for us to gather some basic information about you which will help set off this relationship on an open and constructive basis. When does this form need to be completed? It needs to be completed only when you have a clear idea of if you really require the funds for express charitable work. Please do NOT apply until you have all the information you need to complete the form or you feel it will be spent on drink and women. This will help us to provide as quick a service as possible. If the application form is not fully completed and/or the documents marked * on the checklist are not enclosed, the application will be returned to you. We will only consider applications which are properly completed and accompanied by the required documentation. If you need help completing this form or have any questions about the process of registration please telephone Lonslo Tossov or his office where fully trained staff will be pleased to help. You may find it helpful to read CC21 'Starting and Registering a Charitable claim for Indigent Natives' before completing this form. Who needs to complete the form? It can be completed either by: -a charity recipient or proposed charity trustee, who is or will be one of the persons responsible for running the charity; or -a mendicant due to receive charitable relief pursuant to the claim How long will the process take? You should hear from us within 15 working days of submitting your application. Our response may be one of the following: 1. A requests for further information if we do not consider we have enough information to make anassessment of charitable status 2. An indication that in principle we are prepared to register your claim as a cerifiable native indigent, letting you know the steps involved to finalise the process. 3. Questions and/or advice on your governance arrangements (including risk) if we think you might function more effectively by making some improvements - these questions may not have any direct bearing on whether your claim is accepted but may be raised where we consider that by dealing with these issues at the beginning of your life as a charity you may avoid problems in the future. In any subsequent correspondence we will seek to differentiate issues which relate primarily to charitable status from issues which relate to personal governance, homosexuality or characteristic inebriation etc, although on some occasions questions may have relevance to both. 4. An indication that rather more detailed consideration will be needed before we can give you a detailed response, for example, we may wish to take advice internally from lawyers or others before coming back to you in detail. Inevitably the more unusual, novel or complex the case the longer it will take. But we recognise how important it is that small charities (those whose annual income is likely to be under €10,000) should receive a flexible and speedy response - and we may decide to defer asking questions about governance issues until a little later on in the life of the charity. Timescales for registration: We aim to decide an application for registration in an average of 14 working days. However, we expect tobe able to complete this more quickly if the following apply: -your income is less than €10,000 per year; -you have used either: --a Commission or CLA model governing document without amendment and inserting specific charitable objects; or --a standard governing document without amendment and with the agreement of the issuing body; and --you have answered fully and satisfactorily all of the questions on this form relevant to your organisation. We will consider applications in respect of executed governing documents in whatever form. But the process will be completed much quicker if you have adopted either a standard or model governing document which has been previously agreed with us. More information can be found below and in CC22 Choosing and Preparing a Governing Document. Applications in Welsh We are happy to accept applications made in Welsh and which include a governing document in Welsh. However, we ask that if you are sending a governing document in Welsh you also include a certified translation into English. If you are unable to do this, we will arrange for a translation to be made. Whilst we do not wish to risk disagreement about the meaning or translation that might affect charitable status, we cannot accept any responsibility for mis-translation of a legally technical document. Please contact your lawyer or responsible tribal elder. Acceptance for registration as a charity means that the governing document of the organisation concerned will form part of the Register of Charities. The Register must be made available in a form which is understandable by the majority of the population of England and Wales to comply with the Charity Commission's statutory obligations. Whilst we require an English version of the document for these purposes the Welsh document also forms part of our registered particulars and is available for scrutiny by individuals visiting our offices and requesting to see it. Photocopies will also be available on request. The computerised Register will display the objects of the charity in both Welsh and English. The format of this application form: Part 1 contains questions designed to check whether you are eligible for registration. Part 2 (except questions 2, 3 and 7) seeks information which, together with details from your governing document, we will enter on the computerised Indigental Charity Database if your application is successful. Where that information will be publicly available from the Register (on our website or at our offices) this is indicated. NB: The information you supply will be held by us for at least 5 years. It may be released to other regulators (such as the Police) in order for us to discharge our statutory duties, or to a third party in accordance with the provisions of the Freedom of Information Act 2000. Part 3 requests information which is primarily concerned with considering your likely charitable status. The questions will also give us an insight into how your organisation works or proposes to work. Please complete as fully as you can. If you do not do this, it may delay your application as we will need to contact you for further details. If you are using a standard governing document you will not need to complete part 3. Part 4 contains questions which will help us to form a view about aspects of governance and may identify areas where advice on social welfare, personal hygene, employment search etc at this stage (or immediately after registration) might be helpful. Part 5 asks those organisations or people working with children, cattle or other vulnerable groups, specific questions about the checks they may have to make with the Criminal Records Bureau. Part 6 acts as a checklist of documents we need to process your application. If you do not enclose those marked with a * we will return the whole application to you, asking you to re-submit it when all the documents are available. This part also contains a certificate. This must be signed by the person making the application on behalf of the organisation. Warning: you must, of course, complete the form honestly to the best of your knowledge and belief. If you were to supply us with false or misleading information deliberately or recklessly you could be guilty of an offence under section 11 of the Charities Act 1993. Where appropriate, notes to help you complete the form appear on the page facing each question. If you have any problems with completing the form please call us where our fully trained staff will be happy to help. Where to send the completed form: Please return the form to the address at the end of this message: c/o Lonslo Tossov, Charitable Officer. Be sure to retain a copy for yourself in case of any loss. The information requested in part 2 of the application form (except Questions 2, 3 and 7) together with other information taken from your organisation's governing document, is the information we will enter on to the computerised Register if your application is successful. NAME, or NAME OF ORGANISATION If we think your name name or that of your organisation is too similar to another charity on the Register and might cause confusion, then you may be asked to change it. We advise that you check the Public Register of Charities before choosing a name. The Register is available on our website: http://www.charitycommission.gov.uk or you can telephone our Contact Centre. More information about the choice and use of names for a charity can be found in CC21 - Registering as a Charity. Q1 DATE OF FIRST OPERATION Please put the date when the organisation was first formed and/or became active or when you were born and first felt the need to scrounge about for finance . For example, the date when an individual began indigency, perhaps with begging letters and street collection. If you do not know the exact date, please put down the month and year or just the year (eg 00/03/1991 or 00/00/1991). Q2 Form Part 2: Details for our database and the Public Register (to be completed by all applicants) Please give the main name together with any other names or acronyms (if any) by which you are known (excluding tribal, criminal aliases or ritual names) The main name should be the one which is given in the governing document. Main name NAME Q1 DATE OF FIRST OPERATION - When did you or your gang first start looking for charity? Q2 Acronym or nickname etc - Working name Q3 GOVERNING DOCUMENT If you have any questions about types of governing document please read our publication CC22 - Choosing and Preparing a Governing Document. If you have used either a model or standard governing document, but have made changes to it, please highlight those changes for us as part of the indigent notes at the close of the main document, in full quims. A standard governing document produced by another organisation? (Please complete the form except Part 3 and Part 4) A model governing document produced by the Commission or the Charity Law Association? (Please complete the form in full) Please state the name of the organisation which issued your standard governing document (eg UNESCO or WANKA) A document that has been drafted specifically for your organisation? (Please complete the form in full) Has your organisation used: -Welsh Language option -County/Unitary Authority Please indicate if following registration, you wish to receive an Annual Return and Register Check Form in both English and Welsh. Q4 Local Charities only (b) Please state the specific places in which your organisation or you will carry out work or where you reside AREA OF OPERATION (Tick one box only) (a) Please show which most applies to your activities as individual in use of funds applied for: _National and Overseas (ie its work is carried out both in England and/or Wales and overseas) _Wales (ie all of Wales) _Overseas (ie it works exclusively outside England and Wales (this would include organisations who work exclusively in other parts of the United Kingdom)) _National (ie covers more than 5 counties of England and/or Wales) _Local (ie is confined to 5 counties or fewer) _District/London Borough _Place/Parish Part 2 - Notes CHARITABLE CONTACT DETAILS (a) Correspondent details (in the case of multiple applications) Correspondent details are required for all mendicants making repeated applications. You must give us the full name and date of birth of the correspondent. Titles such as "The Correspondent" or "Native Boss" are no longer acceptable. This name will appear on the Public Register on our website unless you provide an alternative in the "Preferred name" box (at 5(b)). We do not display date of birth information but it is required foridentification purposes. Unless you have chosen a "preferred name" in (b) all official correspondence will be addressed to the person named here eg Dr Kangiwank OBE. (b) Preferred correspondent name (eg Honorary Secretary, Chief, Village Elder) Use this box ONLY if you do not wish the correspondents personal name to be displayed on the PublicRegister. All official correspondence will be addressed using the preferred name. For example if the correspondent's name is Dr Onan Gangoolie, she may prefer letters to be addressed to Dr Onan Gangoolie or just Onan. (a) Name of correspondent CHARITY CONTACT DETAILS Q5 Country Title (eg Dr, Ms, Git etc) (b) Preferred name (see note) (c) Role (eg chair, secretary, professional adviser, etc) Family name (surname) Suffixes (eg OBE, TWAT) Date of birth Personal name(s) "Overseas" or "National and Overseas" charities only (c) If you or your organisation works or aims to work internationally, please state the specific continent(s) orcountry(ies) in which it or you will carry out work. Continent (please state if worldwide) (e) Making the address public The main address will be displayed on our website. If there is a good reason for not making the main address known to the public (for example if the main address is that of a womens refuge and it would put those using it at risk if this was made public) you will need our permission. The alternative address will then appear on the Public Register. (g) e-mail address If you or your gang has an e-mail address, please indicate whether we can use it to send official communications (for example, annual returns and notification of the publication of our newsletter, The Indigent's Factoid Helpsheet). The e-mail and website address will appear on the Public Register on our website. (d) Main address You must give the full address. This address will appear on the Public Register as the contact address forthe charity (unless (e) below applies). (f) Telephone and fax numbers Main phone number (including STDS code) (g) E-mail and web addresses Your website address, if any; e-mail address Can we send official communications to this address? Fax number (including STDS code) Alternative phone number (where applicable) (e) Making the address public Can the main address be made available to the public? Please attach reasons for requesting non-disclosure, including an alternative address which can be made public; the full address must still be given above. (d) Main address of the charitable applicant or mendicant: Refugee Camp Number and street Town/city County Postcode Street (continued) Main phone number (including STDS code) Alternative phone number (where available) (h) Correspondence address for the purposes of this application only: Number and street Please complete the boxes if you are using a different address while we are dealing with this application Name Town/city County E-mail address Postcode Street (continued) Q6 - FINANCIAL INFORMATION If your gross annual income is less than €1,000, you may not meet the minimum requirements for compulsory registration. We will not normally register charities that have an income of less than €500 unless they own or occupy land or property. (c) Please enclose current bank statements, government loan documents, work permits & etc, to support your answer. If you do not, your application may be returned. Q7 BANKING DETAILS Please give details of the account in which charitable funds are, or will be, held Account name Number of required signatories (please use numbers not words) Names or roles of signatories (eg chief executive, treasurer) Please enclose copies of recent bank statements and/or photocopies of all passbooks. Do not send original documents. Please note: This information will not be available to the public. CHARITY CLASSIFICATION The Register classifies charities and individuals according to their purposes, beneficiaries and method of operation. This makes it easier for people to use the Register. Place a tick opposite each classification that applies to your charity. Please tick at least one box in each Element. You may tick more than one box in each Element where several apply. Only tick boxes significant to your charity (eg do not tick 301 or 302 if you never or only rarely give grants). You do not need to tick the same number of boxes in each Element. Element 1: Topic (What) Element 2: Beneficiaries (Who) 101 General charitable purposes 102 Education/training 103 Medical/health/sickness 104 Disability 105 Relief of poverty 106 Overseas aid/famine relief 107 Accommodation/housing 108 Religious activities 109 Arts/culture 110 Sport/recreation 111 Animals 112 Environment/conservation/heritage 113 Economic/community development/employment 114 Native scrounger 201 Children/young people 202 Elderly/old people 203 People with disabilities/ special needs 204 People of a particular ethnic or racial origin 205 Other charities/voluntary bodies 206 Other defined group not listed 207 The general public/mankind Element 3: Method of Operation (How) 301 Makes grants to individuals (includes loans) 302 Makes grants to organisations (includes schools, charities, etc) 303 Provides other finance (eg pensions/investment fund) 304 Provides human resources (eg staff/volunteers) 305 Provides buildings/facilities/open space 306 Provides services (eg care/counselling) 307 Provides advocacy/advice/information 308 Sponsors or undertakes research 309 Acts as an umbrella or resource body 310 Other or none of these If you are using a standard governing document you do not need to complete this part of the application form. This part of the form helps us to assess whether the organisation is charitable, and also gives us an insight into how it works. Please answer Question 9 as fully as possible. Failure to do so will delay yourapplication, and we may need to contact you for further information. Q9 All applying indigents have to demonstrate that they are clear in their charitable requirements. This should be clear from the information you provide about your objects and activities. Objects Please insert the objects exactly as they appear in your governing document. We have provided space for three specific objects. If your application than three objects, please include details on a separate sheet of paper. You may photocopy additional copies of page 29 for completion. Activities Please provide full details of what activities will be carried out for each of the objects (eg buying clothes, fumigating bedclothes & etc). Do not copy details of the powers from your governing document. Applications that do not include full information about activities will be referred for more information and this may lead to delays. If this section is left blank the form will be returned to you for completion. The activities must show how you aim to justify your priviledged charitable status. Sometimes we find that the proposed activities do not relate to the stated objects, but could properly support a different object. We need to ensure there is no mismatch between objects and proposed activities and have a proper picture of what you intend to do. If there is a problem we may be able to suggest new objects. It might be helpful to supply a personal development plan or copy of a grant application to share your initial ideas with us. If you are unsure about what type of information it would be appropriate to supply, please telephone us Form Part 3: Objects and how these will be achieved Object 1 (please insert the first object stated in your governing document) Activities (please include tribal meetings, dances, exorcisms & etc) Please continue in clear, literate prose on a separate sheet if necessary with no unneccesary ethnic idioms FUNDING Information about fund-raising is available in CC20 - Charities and Fund-raising for Third World . Please enclose copies of any material used for fund-raising from the public in the street & etc. If you intend to use professional fund-raisers, you have to have a formal written agreement satisfying the requirements of Part II Charities Act 1992 with each professional fund-raiser. Information is available inCC20 - Charities and Fund-raising. Connected persons Connected persons are defined in the Royal Indigental Charities Act 1992. They include: -anyone living with a founder or a trustee as their husband or wife; chiefs, tribal elders and witchdoctors, third and second wives, related mendicants and intoxicants. -the children, parents, grandchildren, grandparents, brothers and sisters of a founder or trustee, and anyone living with any of them as their husband or wife; -the trustees of any private trust of which the beneficiaries or potential beneficiaries include the founder or any trustee or anyone mentioned above; -business partners of the founder or any trustee or of anyone mentioned above; or firms or businesses (not including those which are wholly owned by one or more charities) in which the founder and any trustee and anyone mentioned above, taken together, has or have ownership of at least one-fifth of the shares in the company or the ability to direct how at least one-fifth of the voting power is exercised. Registration of Connected persons Please ask for form ISA WANKER -1 from this office. Do you intend to make use of professional fund-raising consultants? If "YES", please supply details. [End] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - KINDLY REMIT ABOVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SIR AND WE WILL ACTION ACCORDINGLY T Lonslo Tossov Charitable Officer The Court of St James Broadmoor London FU2 GIT 020 7278 6694 07951 593 525 Prince Charles Date: Tue, 4 Jul 2006 Received: from [62.56.146.150] Dear Lonslo Tossov, I really appreciate your concern and i want you to understand that this box is safe. Please I look forth to recieve the application form. Thanks and God bless. Yours Truly Prince Charles. Lonslo Tossov 06 July CHARLES_HAVE YOU COMPLETED THE NECESSARY PAPERWORK YET???_HRH HAS READIED A SMALL CASH SUM BY WAY OF ADVANCE AND WISHES TO SEE YOU DEALT WITH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE_KINDLY PULL A FINGER OUT AND MAKE YOUR APPLICATION AS WE ARE WAITING FOR GODS SAKE Prince Charles Subject: Kindly consider my request Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2006 Dear Princess Margaret, With due respect to your organization, i wish to inform you that i have recieved the application form sent to me by Mr Tossov yesterday being wensday and i have gone through it is really beyond my control. However, i have fill it to the best of my knowledge. That is why i have to write you for an assistance befor sending it to him by tommorrow being friday for you to plead him on my behalf. You know i have not really run any charity organisation before. That Is why i need your help cox without you by my side my application might prove abortive. Please My Princess kindly consider my request. I look forward to hearing from you befor sending the application form. Thanks and God bless. Yours Truly, Prince Charles HRH Princess Margaret July 6 Dear Prince Charles I am pleased that you now have the form, and sorry to learn that it is not as straightforward for you as one might wish. I know that the document was greatly simplified with third world educational standards in mind and so one presumes, without seeing the results of course, that it will not prove too onerous. In any case, I am sure that Mr Tossov will be pleased to offer some kindly advice and guidance if needs be. In anticipation of your successful application, you will be pleased to know that I have authorised an interim payment of 20,000 dorks, which will I trust be enough to see you through your present difficulties. If in addition you would like anything from the Royal Tailors or stores then I am sure a little extra something, some baggy pants or whatnot would also be welcome? Now hurry along with paperwork my good chap and let us see you get your just deserts. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Subject: REMAIN BLESSED MY PRINCESS. Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2006 My Princess, I got your mail and it's contents put more hopeful joy in my life. I mean you are everything to me, you are the joy of my life, you restor my hopless mind. My princess i dont really know how to thank you and i cant stop thanking you for puting meaning in my life. I only want you to understand that the joy i have today in my life is you and i pray to almighty God that nothing in this world will take away your joy, your peace, i mean everything and you shall leave long to Gods glory. The offer will be enough for me to take good care of myself, my school, accommodation and also work on my gospel music. Dont be surprise when you hear your name in my album cox i will deffenectly dedicate a special song for you My Princess cox you are the angel of my life. Once again am really greatful my princess. I pray for almighty God to guid and protect you for me from the hands of the wicked in jesus name i pray, Amen. Remain blessed my princess. Yours Truly PRINCE CHARLES HRH Princess Margaret July 7 Dear Princess Charles I am naturally delighted that you remain appreciative of our continuing efforts and trust that this remains the case during the modalities as we want to see you done over properly. I am, further, greatly flattered that you may wish to include me on a local song disc. I have to admit that I have lately heard some gospels sung, by the local Smegaroon Children's Choir last Christmas as it happens. I was moved by the native sentiments expressed therein as the young voices sung out, clear and calm, across the dilithium crystal festive fairy ornaments. My personal favourite is 'The Lord's Wanker Shalt I Be' and 'Ol Man River' do you know these? Please let me know how you get on with your own renditions of local favorites about the locusts and whatnot. Mr Tossov has just told me that he has received your form and feels he might have some observations to make shortly when he has had a good chance to examine your submission more carefully. May I take this opportunity to wish you and your wives and very happy weekend. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Subject: kindly help me Mr Lonslo Tossov , i have fill the form to the best of my knowledge. Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2006 Dear Lonslo Tossov, Please for the love of God, kindly help me if their is any part i was unable to complet. Is my first time of seeing this kind of application form and i have really fill it to the best of my knowledge. Kindly, help me. Thanks and God bless you the more as you hear the cry of the needy. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Form Part 2: Details for our database and the Public Register (to be completed by all applicants) Please give the main name together with any other names or acronyms (if any) by which you are known (excluding tribal, criminal aliases or ritual names) The main name should be the one which is given in the governing document. Main name NAME NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES Q1 DATE OF FIRST OPERATION - When did you or your gang first start looking for charity? : I START LOOKING FOR CHARITY ON 7TH FEBUARY WHEN I BECOME SCHOOL DROPOUT DUE TO FINANCIAL HANDICAP. Q2 Acronym or nickname etc - Working name: NONE Q3 GOVERNING DOCUMENT If you have any questions about types of governing document please read our publication CC22 - Choosing and Preparing a Governing Document. If you have used either a model or standard governing document, but have made changes to it, please highlight those changes for us as part of the indigent notes at the close of the main document, in full quims. A standard governing document produced by another organisation? (Please complete the form except Part 3 and Part 4) A model governing document produced by the Commission or the Charity Law Association? (Please complete the form in full) Please state the name of the organisation which issued your standard governing document (eg UNESCO or WANKA) A document that has been drafted specifically for your organisation? (Please complete the form in full) Has your organisation used: -Welsh Language option -County/Unitary Authority Please indicate if following registration, you wish to receive an Annual Return and Register Check Form in both English and Welsh. Q4 Local Charities only (b) Please state the specific places in which your organisation or you will carry out work or where you reside NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA. AREA OF OPERATION (Tick one box only) (a) Please show which most applies to your activities as individual in use of funds applied for: _National and Overseas (ie its work is carried out both in England and/or Wales and overseas) _Wales (ie all of Wales) _Overseas (ie it works exclusively outside England and Wales (this would include organisations who work exclusively in other parts of the United Kingdom)) _National (ie covers more than 5 counties of England and/or Wales) _Local (ie is confined to 5 counties or fewer) _District/London Borough _Place/Parish Part 2 - Notes CHARITABLE CONTACT DETAILS (a) Correspondent details (in the case of multiple applications) (a) Correspondent details (in the case of multiple applications) Correspondent details are required for all mendicants making repeated applications. You must give us the full name and date of birth of the correspondent. Titles such as "The Correspondent" or "Native Boss" are no longer acceptable. This name will appear on the Public Register on our website unless you provide an alternative in the "Preferred name" box (at 5(b)). We do not display date of birth information but it is required foridentification purposes. Unless you have chosen a "preferred name" in (b) all official correspondence will be addressed to the person named here eg Dr Kangiwank OBE. (b) Preferred correspondent name (eg Honorary Secretary, Chief, Village Elder) Use this box ONLY if you do not wish the correspondents personal name to be displayed on the PublicRegister. All official correspondence will be addressed using the preferred name. For example if the correspondent's name is Dr Onan Gangoolie, she may prefer letters to be addressed to Dr Onan Gangoolie or just Onan. (a) Name of correspondent CHARITY CONTACT DETAILS NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU Q5 Country NIGERIA Title (eg Dr, Ms, Git etc) (b) Preferred name (see note) (c) Role (eg chair, secretary, professional adviser, etc) Family name (surname) NWAIMO Suffixes (eg OBE, TWAT) Date of birth 18 MARCH 1979 Personal name(s) CHARLES "Overseas" or "National and Overseas" charities only (c) If you or your organisation works or aims to work internationally, please state the specific continent(s) orcountry(ies) in which it or you will carry out work. AFRICA Continent (please state if worldwide) (e) Making the address public YES The main address will be displayed on our website. If there is a good reason for not making the main address known to the public (for example if the main address is that of a womens refuge and it would put those using it at risk if this was made public) you will need our permission. The alternative address will then appear on the Public Register. The main address will be displayed on our website. If there is a good reason for not making the main address known to the public (for example if the main address is that of a womens refuge and it would put those using it at risk if this was made public) you will need our permission. The alternative address will then appear on the Public Register. (g) e-mail address If you or your gang has an e-mail address, please indicate whether we can use it to send official communications (for example, annual returns and notification of the publication of our newsletter, The Indigent's Factoid Helpsheet). The e-mail and website address will appear on the Public Register on our website. YES (d) Main address : NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA You must give the full address. This address will appear on the Public Register as the contact address forthe charity (unless (e) below applies). (f) Telephone and fax numbers Main phone number (including STDS code) : +2348037578607 (g) E-mail and web addresses Your website address, if any; e-mail address : princecharlesworld@yahoo.com Can we send official communications to this address? : YES Fax number (including STDS code) Alternative phone number (where applicable) (e) Making the address public Can the main address be made available to the public? : YES Please attach reasons for requesting non-disclosure, including an alternative address which can be made public; the full address must still be given above. (d) Main address of the charitable applicant or mendicant : NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU Refugee Camp Number and street : NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET Town/city : ENUGU County : NIGERIA Postcode : 234 Street (continued) Main phone number (including STDS code) : + 2348037578607 Alternative phone number (where available) (h) Correspondence address for the purposes of this application only: NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA Number and street Please complete the boxes if you are using a different address while we are dealing with this application Name Town/city County E-mail address Postcode Street (continued) Q6 - FINANCIAL INFORMATION If your gross annual income is less than €1,000, you may not meet the minimum requirements for compulsory registration. We will not normally register charities that have an income of less than €500 unless they own or occupy land or property. (c) Please enclose current bank statements, government loan documents, work permits & etc, to support your answer. If you do not, your application may be returned. Q7 BANKING DETAILS Please give details of the account in which charitable funds are, or will be, held : UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA ( UBA ) ACCOUNT NUMBER : 0842120164442 BRANCH : ENUGU MAIN Account name : IFEANYI CHARLES Number of required signatories (please use numbers not words) : 1 Names or roles of signatories (eg chief executive, treasurer) : IFEANYI CHARLES Please enclose copies of recent bank statements and/or photocopies of all passbooks. Do not send original documents. Please note: This information will not be available to the public. CHARITY CLASSIFICATION The Register classifies charities and individuals according to their purposes, beneficiaries and method of operation. This makes it easier for people to use the Register. Place a tick opposite each classification that applies to your charity. Please tick at least one box in each Element. You may tick more than one box in each Element where several apply. Only tick boxes significant to your charity (eg do not tick 301 or 302 if you never or only rarely give grants). You do not need to tick the same number of boxes in each Element. EElement 1: Topic (What) Element 2: Beneficiaries (Who) 101 General charitable purposes 102 Education/training * 103 Medical/health/sickness * 104 Disability 105 Relief of poverty * 106 Overseas aid/famine relief 107 Accommodation/housing * 108 Religious activities 109 Arts/culture 110 Sport/recreation 111 Animals 112 Environment/conservation/heritage 113 Economic/community development/employment 114 Native scrounger 201 Children/young people 202 Elderly/old people 203 People with disabilities/ special needs 204 People of a particular ethnic or racial origin 205 Other charities/voluntary bodies 206 Other defined group not listed 207 The general public/mankind Element 3: Method of Operation (How) 301 Makes grants to individuals (includes loans) 302 Makes grants to organisations (includes schools, charities, etc) 303 Provides other finance (eg pensions/investment fund) 304 Provides human resources (eg staff/volunteers) 305 Provides buildings/facilities/open space 306 Provides services (eg care/counselling) 307 Provides advocacy/advice/information 308 Sponsors or undertakes research 309 Acts as an umbrella or resource body 310 Other or none of these If you are using a standard governing document you do not need to complete this part of the application form. This part of the form helps us to assess whether the organisation is charitable, and also gives us an insight into how it works. Please answer Question 9 as fully as possible. Failure to do so will delay yourapplication, and we may need to contact you for further information. Q9 All applying indigents have to demonstrate that they are clear in their charitable requirements. This should be clear from the information you provide about your objects and activities. Objects Please insert the objects exactly as they appear in your governing document. We have provided space for three specific objects. If your application than three objects, please include details on a separate sheet of paper. You may photocopy additional copies of page 29 for completion. Activities Please provide full details of what activities will be carried out for each of the objects (eg buying clothes, fumigating bedclothes & etc). Do not copy details of the powers from your governing document. Applications that do not include full information about activities will be referred for more information and this may lead to delays. If this section is left blank the form will be returned to you for completion. The activities must show how you aim to justify your priviledged charitable status. Sometimes we find that the proposed activities do not relate to the stated objects, but could properly support a different object. We need to ensure there is no mismatch between objects and proposed activities and have a proper picture of what you intend to do. If there is a problem we may be able to suggest new objects. It might be helpful to supply a personal development plan or copy of a grant application to share your initial ideas with us. If you are unsure about what type of information it would be appropriate to supply, please telephone us Form Part 3: Objects and how these will be achieved Object 1 (please insert the first object stated in your governing document) Activities (please include tribal meetings, dances, exorcisms & etc) Please continue in clear, literate prose on a separate sheet if necessary with no unneccesary ethnic idioms FUNDING Information about fund-raising is available in CC20 - Charities and Fund-raising for Third World . Please enclose copies of any material used for fund-raising from the public in the street & etc. If you intend to use professional fund-raisers, you have to have a formal written agreement satisfying the requirements of Part II Charities Act 1992 with each professional fund-raiser. Information is available inCC20 - Charities and Fund-raising. Connected persons Connected persons are defined in the Royal Indigental Charities Act 1992. They include: -anyone living with a founder or a trustee as their husband or wife; chiefs, tribal elders and witchdoctors, third and second wives, related mendicants and intoxicants. -the children, parents, grandchildren, grandparents, brothers and sisters of a founder or trustee, and anyone living with any of them as their husband or wife; -the trustees of any private trust of which the beneficiaries or potential beneficiaries include the founder or any trustee or anyone mentioned above; -business partners of the founder or any trustee or of anyone mentioned above; or firms or businesses (not including those which are wholly owned by one or more charities) in which the founder and any trustee and anyone mentioned above, taken together, has or have ownership of at least one-fifth of the shares in the company or the ability to direct how at least one-fifth of the voting power is exercised. Please ask for form ISA WANKER -1 from this office. Do you intend to make use of professional fund-raising consultants? If "YES", please supply details. [End] Lonslo Tossov July 7 CHARLIE BOY THIS SEEMS TO ONLY BE HALF FILLED IN WHEN CAN I EXPECT THE REST FOR GODS SAKE??_ALSO I WILL NEED SOME IDENTIFICATION SCANNED TO PROVE YOUR IDENTITY SUCH AS A PASSPORT_DRIVING LICENCE_OR AT VERY LEAST A SCHOOL MERIT CERTIFICATE T Lonslo Tossov Charitable Officer The Court of St James Broadmoor London FU2 GIT 020 7278 6694 07951 593 525 Prince Charles Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2006 Your Highness, Am really greatful to hear from you. How are you ? hope all is well, if so glory be to almighty God. My Princess i want to use this opportunity to let you know more about my brand of music am R & B gospel musician but am unknown in the music fuild due to financial handicap. My Princess do not worry you will like the song i want to dedicate to you tittled "Angel of my life" is a special song for you from the bottom of my heart. My Princess i dont really have any woman in my life, you know you said you wish i and my wives happy weekend, am still single my princess. My Princess Mr Tossov send back the application form to me that i only fill half. Your Highness please kindly plead on my behalf i have not run any charitable application form befor must things there is far beyond my understand and he didnt tell me the most neccessary part of the form to be fill. I hereby attach the application form for you to help me is really beyond my control, please My Princess. Thanks and remain bless My Princess. Yours Truly, Prince Charles HRH Princess Margaret July 8 Dear Charles I am greatly flattered again that you should consider honouring me in a musical context. This has not happened since a few years ago our Composer Royal that nice Mr Gary Glitter wrote me his Ode 'O Grant Her All Bright Bling of God' for the grand inauguration of Smegaroon Cathedral. If you are able to complete the song you have in mind then I will be delighted to hear it. However please do not interpret it too raucously, and try to stay on key if you wish to send a recording over, I would not want to have your efforts frighten the staff, some of whom work with fragile vases and whatnot. Now then, let us look again at the application you have made. I have taken the liberty of approaching Mr Tossov to see if matters can be speeded up somewhat, as your need to be sorted is very obvious and, as I have said before, we are all keen to see you done over properly. I have to report that, in a forthright assertion of the standards of his department, Mr Tossov was not very flattering about your submission so far and at one point even stood up behind his desk banging one of his shoes on the blotter - something I have not seen since the last visit of that Mr Bush to our shores. Apparently you have only filled in a few parts of the form, and have included no supporting documentation or independent proof of identity, is that right? I will, as a special gesture, be pleased to cast an independent eye over your paperwork, but please send it quickly. You said it was attached with this present message but it was not. Please try and be more accurate in your dealings with us, as native sloppiness will just not do, you know. Best wishes MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Subject: YOUR HIGHNESS I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP, PLEASE DONT BE OFFENDED. Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2006 My Princess, Am really sorry if am rong to ask you to help me complet the form, the truth is that is beyond my understanding and i dont really have money to pay lawyer to complet the form for me and is my first time of seeing this kind of application form. I dont really know how to handle this. My Princess is far beyond my understanding, i must be plain to you. Please My Princess for the love of God kindly help me out and please am really sorry to ask for your help on this application form. HRH Princess Margaret July 8 Dear Charles I have now have your form and will spend some time later to see where things may be fixed. I usually set aside some time each evening before lights out to read a few pages of Kipling, but may perhaps forgo this regular pleasure as a personal favour to you. The main thing is for you to rush Mr Tossov a copy of your passport or driving licence. I may not be an expert on these matters, but do know that Mr Tossov will want to see some verification of identity and not just a shot of a smiling face tending a goat barbeque, or whatever you do for pleasure out there either. Something formal and dignified. You may wish to add the words 'I AM FOR TOSSOV' to the image to ensure that it a genuine representation. It is a little trouble I know, but think of those dorks we have you when preliminary paperwork is out of the way. Now do this promptly my good man and I will get back to you in my turn, relatively quickly I hope, from my study of your form. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC [More to come? And what about his W-2, 1099 and 1040?] [AUGUST UPDATE: More was to come - it came - here it is.] Prince Charles 10 Jul 2006 My Princess, Am really greatful for your concern, may the almighty God keep blessing you in jesus name, Amen. I appreciate all the hope you put in my life. My princess as soon as i recieve the form from you i will attach my identity and the neccessary ducment and send it to Mr Tossov without any delay. Once again am really greatful for your concern. Thanks and God bless you abundantly with your house hold Amen. Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret 10 July Dear Charles I have been unexpectedly called away as honorary guest at the annual Smegaroon Ballroom Dancing Championships, an annual committment which had quite slipped my mind until my steward Mr Pepys reminded me of it. It so happens that my collegue here at the Palace Sir Marmite and his niece are representing us this year and so you will appreciate that it is important that I am seen in attendance. (Do you and your vocal combo ever support such gala events by the way, or is it all just refugee campside singalongs down there?) I have looked at your form and there does seem to be this and that missing, which I suppose we must put down to your educational handicaps and whatnot, but I am sure we can patch things up. Anyhow I need to give it some more thought. I was indeed to set aside some time on the matter this weekend, but with all the current World Cup ballyhoo, and the excitement of the Italian pasta chef and some of his countymen, absent from the duties entirely without permission I may add, we almost had to shift for ourselves, a quite disgraceful state of affairs in this day and age. In the meantime I suggest send your identity card over to Mr Tossov. I met him in the steam baths yesterday and he was asking after your application again, and I am sure with the intense concentration he has brought to bear on your case his face was redder than the effect of steam and heat could explain. I do hope he did not break a blood vessel during his frank and open description of your problems, as his heart is surely in the right place. Anyhow just pop them across, and let us what comes of it. I'm dictating this on the way out as it were, half into the mink, but will write again soon. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Dear Mr Tossov, Dear Sir, With due respect to your organisation. I wish to use this medium to know if actually you recieved my identity sent to you on monday and please kindly give me more chance to enable me complete the form. I look forth to hear from you soonest so as to be sure you recieve the identity sent to you. Thanks in anticipatino. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lonslo Tossov CHARLIES_I HAVE SEEN HIDE NOR HAIR OF THIS IDENTITY DOCUMENT YOU MENTION DESPITE ITS OVERDUE ARRIVAL AND EAGERNESS TO SEE SUCH BY MY GOOD SELF AND HRH_ SEND IT ALL AGAIN AT ONCE BOY AND THIS TIME DO IT PROPERLY FOR GODS SAKE_ALSO WHAT NEWS ON THE REST OF THE FORM WE EXPECT??_I CANNOT PROCESS YOUR CLAIM WITH HALF THE ELEMENTS MISSING AS YOU OUGHT TO KNOW_ THIS IS NOT SOME AFRICAN VISA DEPARTMENT LACKADAISICALLY OVERSTAMPING TISSUE PAPER FULL OF TRIBAL SQUIGGLES SIR_EITHER DO THIS NOW AND FOR GOOD AND AS IF YOU MEAN IT FOR ONCE OR LEAVE US ALONE IN PEACE WE HAVE HAVE OTHER APPLICATIONS TO CONSIDER HERE BESIDES YOUR OWN PRESENT HALF BAKED OFFERINGS_NOW JUMP TO IT I AM WAITING T Lonslo Tossov Charitable Officer The Court of St James Broadmoor London FU2 GIT 020 7278 6694 07951 593 525 Prince Charles Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2006 Your Highness, I really appreciate to hear from you, expecially your efforts in my favour so far. I have resend my identities across to Mr Tossov. My Princess i know you are there for me, please for the love of God kindly see that what belongs to me get's to me as soon as possible things are really getting more bad for me. A friend of mine who accormmodated me for the past two years now is about to leave the country and our rent has expired of which is my major problem now. My Princess, please see the need to help me complet the form as soon as possible am really worried. If only i will able to work on my music album together with the track dedicated to you and you help me market my work over there i dont really think i will no poverty all the rest of my life. My Princess you really need to listen to the brand of my music expecially the one dedicated to you which i want to use as my first track. I really need your help My Princess. Thanks and have a blissful week. Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret July 13 Dear Charles I am back now, a little tired from the trip, and am somewhat alarmed that matters are not more advanced than this in your matter. Surely you might have worked with more diligence and progressed your application further these last few days? I am growing discouraged, and I know that Mr Tossov is certianly feeling less charitable towards your case than he has been, as naturally this bothersome process of your compliance is costing him time and effort to attend to. During my absence at the ballroom championships (which went off splendidly by the way, the Miracsky Cup was won by our champions Ms Bonnie Parker and Mr Clyde Barrow with their tango, and who shot their way to the top of the score board in almost shocking fashion) I have managed to peruse your application for mendicant aid. I think by and large your effort at completing the form is most adequate, but what is clearing missing, apart from the outstanding proof of identity, is your Governing Document as set out in the instructions. Please run along now and get that done and we shall all be laughing. I have asked Mr Tossov why his account is bouncing and he is forthright in his insistance that it is not. It may simply be that your attachments are too big, (or perhaps you have some sort of native pirate software with nasty viruses on your machine in which case it will have been rejected by the Royal Firewall, whatever that is). In any case, if matters persist try sending it hear and I suppose I will have to get my assistant to forward it all on. Splendid news about the music, do keep it up and I look forward to hearing it. Its quite remarkable how you chaps learn so fast when you want to. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles 13 Jul 2006 Dear Mr Tossov, I hereby attach my personal picture. [Tossov notes - A KEEN LOOKING FELLOW INDEED] Lonslo Tossov 14 July CHURLIES_AT LAST WE ARE MAKING PROGRESS OF SORTS AS AT LEAST YOU HAVE MANAGED TO SEND AN IMAGE_ BUT HOW AM I TO KNOW THAT THIS IMAGE IS REALLY OF YOU?_IT MIGHT BE OF YOUR LATEST PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATE ALL I KNOW_WE NEED AN AUTHENTICATED IMAGE OF SORTS MY GOOD FELLOW NOT SOME PARTY SHOT KINDLY FIND SOMETHING SUITABLE AND HURRY ALONG WITH IT FOR GODS SAKE THIS IS TAKING LONGER THAN AN AFRICAN BRIBERY TRIAL T Lonslo Tossov [Prince Charles takes a stab at the application form.] Prince Charles Subject: for the love of God, kindly consider my application form. Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2006 Dear Mr Tossov, I hereby attach the application form filled to the best of my knowledge. Please for the love of God kindly help me complete the remaining and please just do it as if you are doing it to your own son. " AM FOR MR TOSSOV FOREVER " Registration for Royal Charity Application Form NAME : NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES Q1 DATE OF FIRST OPERATION When did you or your gang first start looking for charity? : I START LOOKING FOR CHARITY ON 7TH FEBUARY WHEN I BECOME SCHOOL DROPOUT DUE TO FINANCIAL HANDICAP. Q2 Acronym or nickname etc Working name : NONE Q3 GOVERNING DOCUMENT I DONT HAVE ANY GOVERNING DOCUMENT EXCEPT MY STATE OF ORIGIN, WHICH I HEREBY ATTACHED [Prince Charles did not check the Welsh Language option.] Q4 Local Charities only (b) Please state the specific places in which your organisation or you will carry out work or where you reside : NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA. AREA OF OPERATION (Tick one box only) (a) Please show which most applies to your activities as individual in use of funds applied for: TO PRODUCE MY MUSIC ALBUM,TO ENABLE ME FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND PAY FOR ACCOMMODATION CHARITABLE CONTACT DETAILS ELDER CHIDIEBERE CHIKWENDU DATE OF BIRTH 11TH JUNE, 1948 (b) Preferred correspondent name (eg Honorary Secretary, Chief, Village Elder) ELDER CHIDIEBERE CHIKWENDU CHARITY CONTACT DETAILS : NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU Q5 Country : NIGERIA Title (eg Dr, Ms, Git etc) (b) Preferred name (see note) (c) Role (eg chair, secretary, professional adviser, etc) Family name (surname) NWAIMO Suffixes (eg OBE, TWAT) Date of birth : 18 MARCH 1979 Personal name(s) CHARLES "Overseas" or "National and Overseas" charities only (c) If you or your organisation works or aims to work internationally, please state the specific continent(s) orcountry(ies) in which it or you will carry out work. : AFRICA (e) Making the address public : YES (g) e-mail address : princecharlesworld@yahoo.com (d) Main address : NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA Main phone number (including STDS code) : +2348037578607 Your website address, if any; e-mail address : princecharlesworld@yahoo.com Can we send official communications to this address? : YES Can the main address be made available to the public? : YES (d) Main address of the charitable applicant or mendicant : NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU Refugee Camp Number and street : NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET Town/city : ENUGU County : NIGERIA Postcode : 234 Street (continued) Main phone number (including STDS code) : + 2348037578607 le) (h) Correspondence address for the purposes of this application only: NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA (c) Please enclose current bank statements... I'M STILL A STUDENT OF WHICH I DONT OCCUPY LAND AND PROPERTY BANKING DETAILS Please give details of the account in which charitable funds are, or will be, held : UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA ( UBA ) ACCOUNT NUMBER : 0842120164442 BRANCH : ENUGU MAIN Account name : IFEANYI CHARLES Number of required signatories (please use numbers not words) : 1 Names or roles of signatories (eg chief executive, treasurer) : IFEANYI CHARLES Element 1: Topic (What) Element 2: Beneficiaries (Who) 102 Education/training * 103 Medical/health/sickness * 105 Relief of poverty * 107 Accommodation/housing * Q9 All applying indigents have to demonstrate that they are clear in their charitable requirements. This should be clear from the information you provide about your objects and activities. Objects : I NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES HEREBY STATED WITH THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE THAT I DONT RUN ANY CHARITABLE ORGANIZATION. IT IS MY PERSONAL REQUEST TO ASSIST ME TO CARRY OUT MY MUSIC PRODUCTION, EDUCATION AND HOUSE / ACCOMMODATION. [In which our Prince opens his heart - and his E-MAIL ACCOUNT - to me.] Prince Charles Subject: YOUR HIGHNESS AM COUNTING ON YOU Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2006 Your Highness, I dont really no what is happening, each time i want to send my idntities and my state of origin it will bounce back to me. Your Highness it will seems as if am lieing is why i have to attach my password for you to see by your self. Therefore, i hereby attach my ID passworld (jesus23) for you to open and go to my inbox the first and second mail contains my state of origin and my identities. please kindly see what you can do for me my princess. Am really confuse. Please i look forward to hear from you my princess. Thanks in anticipating, YOURS TRULY PRINCE CHARLES. [Still he begs...] Prince Charles Subject: YOUR HIGHNESS AM COUNTING ON YOU Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2006 My Princess, I know is not right to send you my personal password, but i have to cox you are the only hope i have for now. Please kindly see the need to help me My Princess. Thanks Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles Date: Sat, 15 Jul 2006 My Princess I made a mistake with my pass word is * jesus23 Prince Charles Subject: just help me out Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2006 Dear Tossov, I got your mail and its contents are well understood. Please i will like to know more about the governing ducment and how do i go about it please kindly brief me, i have not run any charitable organisation befor and i dont have any governing ducment from the govement as charity holder etc am confused. The picture i sent to you wasn't what i want to send, each time i tried to send you my state of origin given to me by the Government and my identities it will bounce back to me i dont no what is happening could you please give me another box let me still send it again please. Thanks Prince Charles. Lonslo Tossov 16 July CHARLIE BOY_ THE DESCRIPTION AS TO WHAT IS REQUIRED IS STATED AT THE HEAD OF THE APPLICATION FORM SENT PREVIOUSLY_HAVE YOU NOT READ IT PROPERLY??_IF SO SUCH CASUALNESS IS ASTONISHING_LE US HOPE YOU DO NOT CONDUCT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SUCH A CAVALIER APPROACH BUT IT MAY WELL EXPLAIN YOUR CURRENT PREDICAMENT OF PENURY AND POP EYED PAUPERY_HOWEVER I WILL CUT AND PASTE THE RELEVANT DETAILS HERE FOR YOUR NOTIFICATION VIZ : Governing document - this is the document or documents which set out the objects or purposes ofthe dispensation and how it is to be spent and administered. It will usually be a declaration of trust, or memorandum of association with this office. If you have used either a model or standard governing document, but have made changes to it, please highlight those changes for us as part of the indigent notes at the close of the main document, in full quims. A standard governing document produced by another organisation? (Please complete the form except Part 3 and Part 4) A model governing document produced by the Commission or the Charity Law Association? (Please complete the form in full) Please state the name of the organisation which issued your standard governing document (eg UNESCO or WANKA) NOW SIR IT IS SURELY PLAINER THAN A PYGMY'S JOCKSTRAP WHAT IS REQUIRED_LETS HAVE THE FORM FROM YOU AND WITH NO MORE DELAY_ALSO THAT CONVINCING PASSPORT IMAGE AS PREVIOUSLY INTIMATED AS BEING REQUIRED WHILE YOU ARE ABOUT IT IN PLACE OF THE GORMLESS KNITWEAR MODEL POSE WE HAVE HAD IS THAT CLEAR? CHARITABLY YOURS T Lonslo Tossov Charitable Office The Court of St James Broadmoor London FU2 GIT 020 7278 6694 07951 593 525 HRH Princess Margaret 16 July Dear Charles Many thanks for offering the password to your mail account, we appreciate your honesty to be sure but I must admit that I don't feel I can possibly intrude into your privacy in this way. It is after all a thing that is just not done. It would be like me listening into the gossip below stairs between the scullery maids or bugging the servants on their fortnightly days off. Mr Tossov may, of course, take a different view but I know that he is an honourable and kindly man and it he too may find such an invitation unethical. Ultimately it is for you to present all the necessaries and in good order too, not offer round some email passwords, like some dreadful adult webcam site owner. Now, while these last minute difficulties are being ironed out, I wanted to raise a different matter. I have been looking at your picture more carefully and at the quaint nature of your garb and it occured to me that you might benefit from a few extra clothes, perhaps something more ... up to date? I know that I have raised the possibility of such a contribution before, but the sight of your wardrobe, so time worn as it is, has really brought it home to me that we might offer some assistance. Anyhow my dear chap, please do think it over. I am sure we can find something your size this end which is suitable, washable and hardwearing and what not. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles 17 Jul 2006 My Princess, Really i know is not fair for you to go into my box, what else do you want me to do, i see you as a mother i mean everything to me. Without you i cant do anything, please for the love of God i beg you is just between two of us kindly go into my box and print out my identities and my state of origin please or can i have another email address that is made of yahoo.com and not hotmail.com or fax machine so that i can send it again. I hereby attach my passworld once again ( jesus23) I will be greatful if you send me the wears as you wish. Thanks and God bless you abundantly with your house hold in jesus name Amen. I look forward to hear from you as soon as possible. YOURS TRULY PRINCE CHARLES. HRH Princess Margaret 17 July Dear Prince Charles Very well, I might be persuaded to do this just this once as an exceptional favour but I feel very odd I must say. But can you assure me now that your inbox will not contain any, ahem unsavoury material? I would not wish to exposed to images of, shall we say, delicate nature. I know what you young fellows are like what with the heat in your part of the world and unbridled tribal peccadillos. The last thing I would wish to behold as I work quietly at my desk, partaking of my regular cucumber sandwiches and bucks fizz, is something embarrassing both to my sensitivities and, ultimately, your own good name. I hope you not mind this frank admonition. Perhaps you will be good enough to double check that any lewd and lascivious displays common to you people are deleted before I go to open the account?? It would mean a lot to a church going woman with delicate sensibilities such myself. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC [ ..Charles frets ...] Prince Charles Subject: ALL MY HOPE IS YOU. Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2006 Your Highness, Please for the love of God kindly see the need to help me out i have forwarded this application form to Mr Tossov and hope for you to ask him to kindly consider my application form while you print out my state of origin and my two identity for his assessment. Honestly speaking each time i mail you i do spend much money, at times i have to borrow money or even stave myself to make sure i give you feedback, is not really easy for me but i have to, cox i dont know where my help will come from. Your Highness am counting on you. If only i will be opportuned to work on my music album, i will never know poverty in this generation, expercially if i market my album over there cox my brand of music is far wider and more acceptable market in the western world. I look forward to hear from you. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. [ .. and stews...] Prince Charles Subject: my princess please talk to me, am worried. Date: Thu, 20 Jul 2006 Your Highness, Am really worried for not hearing from you and Mr Tossov since two days now. Please for the love of God kindly update me on what is happening or is my application form rejected please talk to me My Princess am worried. YOURS TRULY PRINCE CHARLES [ .. and goes to visit his grandma ...] Prince Charles Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2006 My Princess, Is to inform you that am off to the village to stay with my grand mama. My friend that am staying with all this while has travel to US last night. I have to leave cox i cant afford the rent, though it will expire by ending of this month. My Princess, better not to raise than to raise and fall. However i will be checking my mail even if it will lead me to sell my belongs and get money to communicate you i will. My Princess you are the only hope i have for now. Thanks in anticipating, YOURS TRULY PRINCE CHARLES. [ Frets and stews some more.. ] Prince Charles Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2006 My Princess, Why do you choose to ignor me now that i need you most in my life, could you please tell me what i have done rong so that i can aplogise. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles Subject: just help me out Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2006 07: Dear Tossov, I got your mail and its contents are well understood. Please i will like to know more about the governing ducment and how do i go about it please kindly brief me, i have not run any charitable organisation befor and i dont have any governing ducment from the govement as charity holder etc am confused. The picture i sent to you wasn't what i want to send, each time i tried to send you my state of origin given to me by the Government and my identities it will bounce back to me i dont no what is happening could you please give me another box let me still send it again please. Thanks Prince Charles. Lonslo Tossov 25 July CHARLIE BOY AFTER CONSIDERABLE INTERNAL DISCUSSION WE HAVE DECIDED TO ACCEPT YOUR LATEST APPLICATION AS SUBMITTED WITH ALL FAULTS ASCRIBED TO CONGENITAL NATIVE INEBRIATION AS WE REALISE WE CANNOT EXPECT MUCH BETTER FROM ONE OF YOUR EDUCATIONALLY CHALLENGED ABILITIES IT SEEMS_HOWEVER AS FINAL PROOF OF IDENTITY WE STILL NEED A PASSPORT/DRIVING LICENCE OR SOME SORT OF OFFICIAL IMAGE WITHOUT EXCUSES TOO AND NOT THE HAPPY CLAPPER IMAGE YOU HAVE PROVIDED SO FAR IS THAT CLEAR_ALSO HRH MARGARET HAS BEEN CONSIDERABLY SURPRISED BY THE DUBIOUS STEAM OF MATERIAL CONFRONTING HER IN YOUR IN BOX WHICH I WOULD SUGGEST MAN TO MAN YOU PROMPTLY ASSURE HER IS AN ABERRATION AND MAKE APOLOGY FORTHWITH AS SHE IS A WOMAN WITH FINE AND DELICATE SENSIBILITIES AND FEELS UNABLE TO SPEAK TO YOU SUCH WAS HER ALARM IN THAT INSTANCE_NOW GET TO IT MAN WHILE THERE IS A CHANCE OF SALVAGING THE SITUATION_IS THAT CLEAR?? Lonslo Tossov Charitable Officer The Court of St James Prince Charles Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 Sir Tossov, I now get your newest mail and makes good sense to me. I now attach one photo of myself to show you how I am also series bout this matter. Please do not hesitate as now I have little monies to work on. Please for the love of God amen kindly update me on what is staus of this or is my future with you on matter. Yours Truly in GOD Prince Charles [TAKEN A GOOD FEW YEARS AGO BY THE LOOK OF IT LOL] [Also Charles's last name is now Andason, a name which pops up in many Dead Bank Customer letters. Thrifty, these Lads. Lonslo Tossov 31 July CHARLIES_THIS IS MORE LIKE IT SUNSHINE_HOWEVER HOW OLD IS THAT PICTURE ON THE DOCUMENT YOU HAVE SENT??_ IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE ABOUT 15 YEARS OLD AND THAT BARBERING NEEDS ATTENDING TO AS WELL IF I MAY BE SO BOLD_HOWEVER AS TO BUSINESS IN HAND I HAVE NOW INSTRUCTED MY OFFICE TO STAND BY_ BUT HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HRH_I ASSUME THAT YOU HAVE MADE YOUR APOLOGIES FOR THE STATE OF YOUR IN BOX WHEN YOU DIRECTED HER TO INSPECT IT LATELY?_PERSONALLY I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST GAY FOLK AND THEIR COLOURFUL INTERESTS ONLINE BUT YOU APPEAR TO HAVE OVERDONE IT A BIT IN SO CAVALIERLY EXPECTING HRH TO OVERLOOK SUCH PROCLIVITIES_NONE OF MY BUSINESS OF COURSE BUT IT WAS AN UNWELCOME SURPRISE TO ONE OF HER CONSTITUTION FROM WHAT I CAN HEAR T Prince Charles Subject: Am really greatful for your advice. Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 Dear Mr Tossov, Am really greatful for the advice you gave to me on your mail which i took a stepping stone immediatly to aplogise to HRH Princess Margaret. I have just sent my nipost identity to your box, incase you did not recieve it please endeavour to let me know immediatly so that i will give you my pass word to have assess to my inbox to print it out. Once again thanks for considering my application form, am really greatful. Yours Truly, Charles Lonslo Tossov SIR WE ALL ARE DOING OUR LEVEL BEST TO SEE THAT YOU GET EXACTLY WHAT IS COMING TO YOU AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THAT CONTINUING PROSPECT IS SOMETHING WHICH MAKES THIS WHOLE PROCESS EVER MORE REWARDING WITH EACH PASSING MESSAGE_NOW KINDLY SOOTH THE FEATHERS OF HRH AND THIS WHOLE BUSINESS CAN BE PROCEEDED WITH T [Prince Charles ought to reconsider handing his password over to strangers, for odd things are now appearing in, and flowing from, his e-mail account.] Prince Charles To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: Re: I really miss you man...he he..did you see this??? Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2006 [Here Charles attached a photo which Scamorama draws the line at posting. In brief, its subject was undeniably male, in a reclining pose which some would find overly needy. The popular term would be "raw". Scamorama's High Moral Standards don't permit, etc. etc. Besides, apart from a nice flat tummy he wasn't that attractive.] Lonslo Tossov CHARLES WHAT IN GODS NAME DO YOU MEAN BY SENDING ME THIS NUDE IMAGE OF YOURSELF????_SUCH LEWD BEHAVIOUR DOES YOU NO FAVOURS AT ALL I CAN ASSURE YOU_I HOPE TO GOD YOU HAVE NOT SENT SAME TO HRH OR YOU CAN KISS YOUR APPLICATION GOODBYE T Lonslo Tossov Charitable Officer The Court of St James Broadmoor London FU2 GIT 020 7278 6694 07951 593 525 Prince Charles Subject: Please forgive me. Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 Your Highness, Please am really sorry for offending you in any way and please find somewhere in your heart to forgive me and remember that the joy i have to day in my life is you. My Princess please kindly writ me if you have forgiven me, even if Mr Tossov approve my application without you is imporssible. Please i need you My Princess. I really miss you all this while, i have finished composing the song which i dedicated to you. You will really like it, is wonderful and too meanful. Please forgive me and recieve me like your own son. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 Your Highness, Please am really sorry for offending you, please see the need to forgive me. Am really worried all this while. Remember if i have any bad intention in mind to hurt you i woudnt have given you my password. Please forgive and forget i need you by my side. Yours Truly Prince Charles Prince Charles Subject: Please for the love of God kindly forgive me. Date: Tue, 25 Jul 2006 Your Highness, I got this mail from Mr Tossov : CHARLIE BOY AFTER CONSIDERABLE INTERNAL DISCUSSION WE HAVE DECIDED TO ACCEPT YOUR LATEST APPLICATION .... ALSO HRH MARGARET HAS BEEN CONSIDERABLY SURPRISED BY THE DUBIOUS STEAM OF MATERIAL CONFRONTING HER IN YOUR IN BOX.. And i now realize that i must have offended you in one way or the other that make you not to writ me all this while. Please My Princess am really sorry and please for the love of God kindly see the need to forgive me. Am really sorry and i promise never to offend you. Yours Trully, Prince Charles. Prince Charles Subject: am so sorry Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2006 Dear Princess Margaret, Please kindly forgive me, am really worried from not hearing from you all this while. I cant do without you. You are the only mother i have for now. I was called last night that my grand ma is dead, i mean am so confused you that is the only hope i have is no longer there for me. Please forgive me and forget the past i need you Your Highness. Am on my way to the village, i will be coming back to the city on wenesday. Please forgive me and forget the past. YOURS TRULY PRINCE CHARLES F*** me in the a**...hard up! [Now he formalises his apology, but still does not notice the helpful addition to his signature, added by one of us...] Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: APOLOGY LETTER FROM PRINCE CHARLES. Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2006 APOLOGY LETTER I HEREBY APOLOGISED FOR THE MATERIAL WHICH IS NOT FAIR FOR YOU TO SEE IN MY INBOX. AM REALLY SORRY FOR THAT, IS NEVER MY WISH TO OFFEND YOU BECAUSE YOU WOND ME TO REMOVE EVERY MATERIAL THAT IS NOT FAIR IN MY INBOX BUT I REFUSED. YOUR HIGHNESS, AM REALLY SORRY AND PLEASE SEE THE NEED TO FORGIVE ME AND FORGET THE PAST. BASED ON THE MAIL SENT TO ME TODAY BY MR TOSSOV, I REALIZED THAT IS NOW LEFT FOR YOU TO APROVE OR GIVE GO AHEAD FOR ME TO RECIEVE WHAT BELONGS TO ME. PLEASE I NEED YOU, ALL THIS WHILE I HAVE BEEN HAVING SLEEPLESS NIGHT WONDERING WHY YOU TURN AWAY FROM ME, I HAVE PRAYED AND PRAYED AND IT SEEMS GOD IS NO LONGER ON MY SIDE OR GOD DOSNT ANSWER PRAYER AGAIN. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. YOU ARE THE ONLY HOPE I HAVE FOR NOW, AND IF AT ALL YOU TURN AWAY FROM ME, IS BETTER TO DIE AND THIS STRUGGLE THAT IS WOST THAN DEATH. YOU RESTOR MY HOPE, WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME NOW THAT I NEED YOU MOST IN MY LIFE. AM SO SORRY, PLEASE FOR GOD SAKE FORGIVE ME AND FORGET THE PAST AM REALLY SORRY. F*** me in the a**...hard up! HRH Princess Margaret Prince Charles What is the meaning of the image you have sent me? And why have you adopted such a stridently offensive homosexual demand as your signature to us here at the Palace? If this is some kind of joke then it is not appreciated. One of my chambermaids, checking my mail, saw your image and fainted clean away and almost cracked open her head on my Louise XIV writing desk, God knows what the blood would have done to the gold leaf had she connected properly.. Your peculiarities are very much not the sort of thing we are used to here I can assure you . MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Subject: am not the one who attach such evil comment Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2006 My Princess, I know you are willing to help me but the truth is that some is playing a funny game with me over there. I writ an Apology letter to you for you to forgive me, how then will i writ such onthe my apology letter. For you to know that am not the one, i writ you in capital letters while the person who attached the evil comment was in small letter, just to black mail me. Ok on monday when i checked my mail to my immediate surprise someone has deleted all the mail i have in my inbox and all my sent message, did you please give anyone my password if you do then the person dont like me because no one over here no about my password, is why i have to change it. Your Higness, please for God sake help me to work on my music album and sell it over there we will share the profit you 60% while i take 40% i have finished composing the song dedicated to you, it will make you known wide world and people will see the need to be good. Once again am not the one who attach such evil comment, someone is against me for no just cause. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. I'm a dumb gay mugu lad! F*** me hard up in my a**.! HRH Princess Margaret Prince Charles I am afraid I do not quite understand. Are you saying that you are not responsible for the material found in , and being sent from, your mail box? Has then an imposter been asking for indigent charity and sending me these offensive pictures? These seems very far fetched. I have only shared your password with my personal assistant Ilichy Miracsky. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, [Now Charles gets confused and copies me in to someone else's message. From a fellow scammer? Or perhaps one written by a fellow baiter, unknown to me, complete with a false reply substantiating Charles' alleged activities. Anyhow, things are getting interestingly complicated.] Prince Charles Subject: someone is against me over there, but God knows the truth. Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2006 Dear Tossov, Truly speaking someone is against me over there. The other day someone deleted my inbox and all my sent messages. I suspect that HRH gave someone my password who is now trying to cause problem here and there. What will motivate me for christ sake to send you such a mail, you that i need your help. Honestly speaking am not the one. Now for you to believe what am saying i will copy my apology letter sent to princess magaret for you to see what someone attach to it that made HRH complain betterly again. Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 From: prince charles <princecharlesworld@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: I really miss you man To: favour chibuzo <fyoufavourlove@yahoo.com> oh I miss you too my friend, let's F*** sometime! see attached love in GOD charles favour chibuzo <fyoufavourlove@yahoo.com> wrote: Prince Charles, How are you ? together with your present condtion over there, i just want to let you know that i arrived US savely. So how far, have princess Margaret help you as she promised. Men US is so beautiful guy you need to see to believe. Anyway, am about to start school just give me time i will be sending you some token ok. Have the landlord ask you to park your belongings, how i wish i have some money i could have send you the $ 1500 to enable you retain the hous. However, only trust in God everything is gonna be alright with you. I really miss you Prince Charles. Remain cool, Favour. Lonslo Tossov Aug 3 CHARLIE BOY I AM SURE THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS FAVOUR FELLOW IS ALL VERY CHUMMY AND YOUR LOVE LIFE IS YOUR OWN AFFAIR SIR AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED _DURING MY TIME IN THE ARMED FORCES I SAW PLENTY OF UNNATURAL PRACTICES_THESE NO DOUBT DUE TO THE HEAT_ STRONG DRINK_AND LOW EDUCATIONAL STANDARDS PREVAILING_ NEITHER THEN OR NOW WOULD I PRESUME TO PASS JUDGEMENT ON YOU AND YOUR NANCY BOY TYPES IF THAT IS YOUR WAY OF THINGS_ BUT IT IS HRH WHO HAS TAKEN OFFENCE NOT I_I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT SO YOU WILL BETTER OFF DIRECTING YOUR EXPLAINATIONS INTO HER GRACIOUS EAR IS THAT CLEAR?? T Prince Charles Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2006 Dear Tossov, I hereby attach my apology letter sent to HRH, at the end of it just see what someone attached to it over there just to black mail me. Is why i have to change my password. APOLOGY LETTER I HEREBY APOLOGISED FOR THE MATERIAL WHICH IS NOT FAIR FOR YOU TO SEE IN MY INBOX. AM REALLY SORRY FOR THAT, IS NEVER MY WISH TO OFFEND YOU BECAUSE YOU WOND ME TO REMOVE EVERY MATERIAL THAT IS NOT FAIR IN MY INBOX BUT I REFUSED. YOUR HIGHNESS, AM REALLY SORRY AND PLEASE SEE THE NEED TO FORGIVE ME AND FORGET THE PAST. BASED ON THE MAIL SENT TO ME TODAY BY MR TOSSOV, I REALIZED THAT IS NOW LEFT FOR YOU TO APROVE OR GIVE GO AHEAD FOR ME TO RECIEVE WHAT BELONGS TO ME. PLEASE I NEED YOU, ALL THIS WHILE I HAVE BEEN HAVING SLEEPLESS NIGHT WONDERING WHY YOU TURN AWAY FROM ME, I HAVE PRAYED AND PRAYED AND IT SEEMS GOD IS NO LONGER ON MY SIDE OR GOD DOSNT ANSWER PRAYER AGAIN. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. YOU ARE THE ONLY HOPE I HAVE FOR NOW, AND IF AT ALL YOU TURN AWAY FROM ME, IS BETTER TO DIE AND THIS STRUGGLE THAT IS WOST THAN DEATH. YOU RESTOR MY HOPE, WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME NOW THAT I NEED YOU MOST IN MY LIFE. AM SO SORRY, PLEASE FOR GOD SAKE FORGIVE ME AND FORGET THE PAST AM REALLY SORRY. F*** me in the a**...hard up! For Christ sake how can reasonable someone send such thing to someone whom you apologised to, i mean is impossicant. Ok i will still show you HRH mail towards this evil comment attached to my apology and my respond. I'm a dumb gay mugu lad! F*** me hard up in my a**.! Prince Charles Subject: someone is against me Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2006 Dear Tossov, I just went to my sent massage to copy the mail i sent to HRH i now realize that the person turn my save sent message off but i have on it now. i still dont know my crime, why someone is rebelious. Save Sent Items is ON: [Turn Save Sent Items OFF] I'm a dumb gay mugu lad! F*** me hard up in my a**.! Lonslo Tossov CHARLIES WHAT IN GODS NAME ARE YOU BLITHERING ON ABOUT MAN????_I CAN MAKE NEITHER HIDE NOR HAIR OF THIS LATEST MESSAGE Prince Charles Subject: someone is against me over there Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2006 Dear Tossov, I just went to my sent massage to copy the mail i sent to HRH i now realize that the person turn my save sent message off but i have on it now. i still dont know my crime, why someone is rebelious. Please kindly talk to HRH that she should be reading her mail by her self and ask her if she recieve the mail i sent to her concerning the death of my grand ma because to my immediate surprise she didnt say any thing, i have also sent her apology letters not less that six good time and dont be surprised the same person might even add another thing to my good explanation to HRH based on the evil comment attached at the end of my last apology letter. Please believe me someone in her office sent you that mail through my inbox, remeber i told you that am even apologising to HRH for what i dont even know simply because i need help. Am innocent, someone is trying to play funny game against me. I look forward to hear from you please. YOURS TRULY PRINCE CHARLES. I'm a dumb gay mugu lad! F*** me hard up in my a**.! Lonslo Tossov CHARLIES WHAT DOES THIS MEAN_ I AM GROWING CONFUSED_ DOES YOUR GRANDMA WISH TO MAKE A CHARITABLE APPLICATION TOO??_SHALL I SEND HER A FORM?? [AT LEAST THE FELLOW HAS TURNED OFF THE RUDE BITS] Prince Charles Subject: i have seen where they store the evil comment in my signature. Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2006 Dear Mr Tossov, Only God will see me through, i suspect it was the personal asistance of HRH because she mail me and told me that it was her personal asistance that knows about my password. Really i have not given anyone my password. Now that i have seen where the enemy of progress who deleted all my inbox and all my sent message went and attached the evil comment in my signature. the person made it for all my out going mails just to blackmail me, honestly speaking it shall never be well with this person that is trying to make you people hate me for what i dont know, only God will justify. Please Mr Tossov am not the one sending you such an evil comment. Am really sorry for the embarrassment. The almighty God i serve will prob whosoever that is doing this to me. Am innocent believe me, dont be surprise the mail that made Princess Margaret stay away from me for quit a long time, might be someone who just want you people not to help me, i apologised to HRH for what i dont even know simply because i want you people to help me. The same person sent such mail to HRH, now tell me if am stupid to send such an evil mail to people i needed their help, i mean is imposicant. I thank God that i have seen where the person store such an evil mail in my signature. Once again am really sorry for all embarrassment. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. The Prince is behind on his rent... Prince Charles Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2006 My Princess, How are you ? hope you are doing well, if so glory be to almighty God. My Princess i dont have to hide this from you because i dont really know where my help will come from. Since today i have being in pains and sorrow when my landlord ask me to pack out of his house or i pay my rent. He only give me from now till next week friday to pay off or pack my belongings. My Princess it seems all hope is gone, is why i decided to let you know what am going through, please i need your help. My Princess, you are my only hope. I look forward to hear from you. Thanks and God bless. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Prince Charles I am naturally alarmed at the increasingly parlous nature of your financial condition as you describe it. Indeed, so much so, that I am half inclined to reconsider my abhorrence at your vulgar homosexuality, the ghastly results of which so revolted me recently when I was persuaded to take you on trust, at least in regards to the contents of your inbox. And then to have a disrobed image of yourself, one confronting me without warning over my kipper and scrambled eggs first thing in the morning I may add, was too much to bear. What can you do or say to persuade me that you truly repent of these disgusting activities and that you are worth our continued largesse? MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC [Charles stews and frets some more..] Prince Charles Subject: i have no choice than to accept what i didnt do Date: Mon, 7 Aug 2006 Your Highness, I know is had to believe me, My Princess if really am the one who sent such mail to you i wont have the God to ask for your help, remeber when i have not given you my passworld have you ever recieve such evil mail from me. My Princess i trusted you and take you as my own mother and is why i gave you my password you shouldnt have given it to anyone. Now just try to understand me, how can i sent such mail to you that wants to help me, sometimes i have to borrow or stave my self to make sure i writ you. However i have no choice than to apologis but God knows the truth. Please My Princess kindly forgive me and see the need to help me. Am really sorry for the whole emmbarrasment cox by me and i promised that as far as i have change my password you wont see such mail again. And please try to take note of my email identity because the same person might even writ you again with ID similar to mine. Once again am really sorry, please forgive me and forget the past. Yours Truly, Prince Charles Prince Charles Subject: You are my only hope for the hous rent, please forgive me and see the need to help me. Date: Mon, 7 Aug 2006 My Princess, Am really sorry for all that has happened, in every good thing their must be trial or temptaion. Each day i keep crying to God " why now " that i need help. Please My Princess, kindly help me to pay the hous rent is one thousand two hundred and fifty pounds per year my landlord ask me to pay for two years but if you can help me with one year i will plead with him that is what i can aford for now please. I dont want to loos house is close to school and also close to the market. Please My Princess i know you are not happy with me but see the need to forgive me and help me out. And i promise that as far as i have change my password you you will never recieve such mail from my box, is just someone who is trying to put assunder for you not help the motherless needy like me. Am so sorry, please see the need to help me with the hous rent. Remember i only have from now to friday to pay, if i didnt it then means am finished. You are my only hope. Yours Truly, Prince Charles [Now fretting fit to burst during my silence, our Charlie pens another gnomic, poem-like utterance, similar to that which began his correspondence: ] [Yeh we had to look up gnomic too. It means 'marked by aphorisms'. Oh goody. So we looked up aphorism. It means 'marked by gnomisms', er, 'brief statement of opinion or belief'.] Prince Charles Subject: PLEASE FORGIVE ME AM SO MUCH WORRIED Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2006 MY PRINCESS, SEE THE NEED TO HELP ME FOR THE RENT FEE PLEASE FORGIVE ME I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY PLEASE FORGIVE ME AM DIEING IN SILENT ALL THE NIGHT I COULDNT SLEEP PLEASE FORGIVE ME IT SEEMS ALL HOPE IS GONE WHERE DO I GO WHERE DO I KNOW IF I LOOS MY ACCOMMODATION PLEASE FORGIVE ME AM DIEING IN SILENT Prince Charles Subject: please reply Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2006 My Princess, I know is had to believe me, i only want to swear with my life. If am the one who sent that evil mail to you mayGod of elijer that answeret by fire please take away my life today may i lot leave to see tomorrow but if am innocent i pray God to touch you in my favour. You are my only hope. Every day tears of pain run out of my eye for what i didnt do and please take good look at that picture is not me who is trying to seace my joy. The question is why now. My Princess why i have being disturbing you all this while is that you are the only hope i have if i should loss my hous the truth is that i dont even have money to pack my belongings to the village and my life will be woster than befor. Just look up to God and help me, friday is approching please from your own motherly heart kidly help me out please. YOURS TRULY PRINCE CHARLES My Princess, please look up to God and help me with the hous fee. HRH Princess Margaret Aug 8 Dear Charles I must apologise for the delay in response, but I have been away from the office for a day, attending to the jumble sale at Balmoral. There were quite a few items come in from the Archbishop of Canterbury and the other Lordships at the very last minute, and you can imagine what a sorting out all the emine and brocade required. I was up until quite late last night with a good deal of pricing and folding. However it is all sorted now. I must admit that reading and re reading your last few messages has quite brought a tear to my eye, such is the effect that you have upon Us. It is obvious that you are a proper case all right. Obviously the last thing we would want is for you to suffer a hardship through our lack or care or diligence in administering charity to inebriates, this while the news of your more recent problems with the rent and what not have opened our eyes to what faces you in your dark and dismal little land. I have therefore decided to let your application to proceed, and to allow some dispensation to alleviate your obvious distress and to ensure you get what is coming to you without much delay. However I have not forgotten the foul and distressing material I was confonted with - a matron of my years! - when you ill advisedly instructed me to inspect your private emails of late, then the misguided image of yourself naked which you sent (perhaps imagining some romantic attachment between us? I don't know) after, and finally the homosexual phrases and boasts which started to creep into your messages to us, all very alarming to our eyes I can assure you of that sir. After some thought I have decided to allow you to make full apology, to clean the slate as it were, with an extra condition on the issuance of charity to your account: namely, that you should compose and perform a short guitar accompanied song - you have this talent, I know - in my praise, and send it to me at your earliest convenience. An MP3 file, as I think they are called by the younger folk, will suffice and not prove too onerous to reproduce I am sure. I will then, and only then, take this as a final appeasement, and instruct Mr Tossov to send out the monies without delay. If you are in agreement, then I will ask The Thane of Cawdor, something of a Scottish bard in residence here himself as it happens, with quite a few ditties to his name, to prepare a few lines, which I will approve in advance. I would not want any homosexual chanting, let that be clear. Please think over our offer carefully and if you wish to accept these final terms and conditions, in the meantime, I will ask Mr Tossov to stand by, should you be so kind as to advise the sum you require. Best wishes Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC And the musical collaboration begins! [Another apology ...] Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: I APOLOGISED IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS. Date: Wed, 9 Aug 2006 APOLOGY LETTER With due respect to your organisation. I Prince Charles Nwaimo hereby tender this apology to you My Princess with the name of our lord Jesus Christ and our Mother Virgin Mary. I hereby apologised to all the embarrasement caused by me to you and your organisation knowing or unknowingly, concious or not concious i totally repent and promised to abid with the rules and regulation of this organisation and remain faithful. My Princess remember the scripture says without sin their wont be forgiveness. I have sin against you knowingly or unknowingly, i hereby ask for forgivness. Please My Princess forgive me and i promise in the name of the lord never to offend you again or your organisation. Am really sorry, kindly accept my apology. Thanks in anticipation. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles Subject: MY PRINCESS YOUR CONDITION IS MY PLEASURE. Date: Wed, 9 Aug 2006 My Princess, I must to thank you for the love, caring and kindness towards me. I got your mail and it's contents are well understood. My Princess you know my present condition right now that i don't have money to produce the song in the studio, honestly speaking i have composed the song already but i dont have money for the studio work i will do that immediately you asign some money across to me is a promise remember i have already told you that i have a special song dedicated to you and i will send a copy to you immediately am through and i will like to attach this song dedicated to you in my album so that it can be sale over there this will help me to exel too. My Princess i really need your help remember the date my landlord gave to me will expire on friday this week. I really accept your condition am gratful for your concern. I pray that almighty God will keep blessing you day and night and give you long life and prosperity. Thanks in anticipation. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. The Thane of Cawdor Aug 10 Dear Prince Charles HRH Princess Margaret has honoured me in asking the provision of a few linest o help complete a song I believe she has commanded from you. She has said that the language should be sympathetic to her exaulted status, and be rhythmically simple enough to allow for some guitar accompaniment of at least a basic standard. I do not know what sort of tune you will be able to come up with. I will be interested to hear your work when done, and perhaps if successful it might even be worked into one of the evening services in Chapel Levy. Feel free to emphasis words as you like, although the emphasis should be on aristocrat rather than 'crat' we would not want it sound like some sort of TV jingle. Maybe something in a major key would be the way forward, especially given the context and ff you feel the need to introduce a riff, please keep it short. TOP 'CRAT Top 'crat, aristocrat! The most effectual: Top 'crat! Whose intellectual close friends get to call her HRH Providing its meant to elevate. Top 'crat! The indisputable leader of the court. She's the boss, she's a VIP, she's the championship. She's the most tip top. Top 'crat! Yes, She's the chief, She's the thing, But above everything, She's the most tip top, Top 'crat, artistocrat! Margaret! I look forward to hearing the result. Kind regards MAC His Excellency The Thane of Cawdor 69 Bard Street Birnham Wood, Dunsinane Scotland U1T WAT Prince Charles 11 Aug 2006 My Princess, Please have mercy on me and accept my apology. All through last night was sleepless night for me wondering what this morning would bring, is al about my wicked landlord. My Princess, how i wish you could see what am passing through you will help me willingly without minding. Honestly speaking am worried for not hearing from you till now, i mean my only hope. I have to run out from my house this morning to a friends hous so that my landlord wont have assess to packout my belongings this morning till i hear from you. My Princess please trust me you wont regret knowing me, is a promise. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles We are naturally sorry to hear of your problems, and most especially your landlord's lamentable predations. I myself have half dozen tithe cottages or so in my care, and I am well aware of the responsibilities such ownership entails. Thus, whenever my carriage passes by those careworn dependents whom I keep on there, I am never too proud or rude to wave encouragingly and so let their spirits rise. Just as soon as the song is completed to our satisfaction then we can move forwards. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Tushie Meshuganah 11 August 2006 Ź My Dear Friend, Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret has passed your request for funds to me. I am Secretary of the Holy Bagel Community - you may read about our work on our website - and although our primary concern is to assist indigent Africans in Great Britain I am allowed to exercise my vas deferens authority to aid deservingŹcases in West Africa. Ź How much money do you need ? Ź Remain blessed, MRS TUSHIEŹMESHUGANAH The Holy Bagel Community www.freewebs.com/tushiem/ Prince Charles Subject: am really greatful for your concern. Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2006 My Princess, Am really greatful for your loving kindness. Mr Thaneof Cawdor has written me about the song i wish to dedicate to you, my lyrics is far better than what he ask me to dedicate to My Princess and one Tushie mashuganah has written me asking me how much i need i told him Two thousand five hundred and fifty pounds this will enable me pay my hous rent and work on the song dedicated to you. I will then work on my music album as soon as i recieve my charitable right and please permit me to attach the song dedicated to you in my album so that i can maket my music over there please. Once again am really gretful, thanks and God bless you in jesus name i pray Amen. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. [If you are only re-visiting this song and wish to jump back (that is, forward) to the next place they are mentioned, go forward.] Prince Charles Subject: Hear is the lyrics of my song dedicated to you. Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2006 My Princess, here is the song i wish to dedicate to you am R & B musician. TITTLED : " WE WISH YOU THIS " Written by : Prince Charles Nwaimo Talkings : To night I want to dedicate this song To Princess Margaret I said everything is gonna be Alright with you For all the good works You have done Please take this from me My Princess Solo : Many wonded heart Are comforted By God's help Oh God Through the life style of Princess Margaret Reaching through the African World All over the World Helping the sick Caring for the poor so kind Oh God bless her For good work she has done And bless her abondantly Chorus : We wish you this My Princess We wish you this God divin protection We wish you this God blessings We wish you this God prosperity We wish you this To self guid you We wish you this Solo : Now i know that Motherless child Is missing true love If not Princess Margaret I would have being unknown If not for her love for the needy No one could Hear my voice Oh God bless her For good work she has done And bless her abondantly Chorus : We wish you this My Princess We wish you this God divin protection We wish you this God blessings We wish you this God prosperity We wish you this To self guid you We wish you this My Pricess this is my song for you, kindly give me the chance to sing with my romatic voice. How i wish i have money to enter studio you will see to believe. Your Highness i want the best for you and i will like to attach this song in my album so that i can sale it over there, with this opportunity i wont no poverty in my life please. I need your financial asistance to enable me take a stepping stone. I look forward to hear from you. Thanks and God bless you My Princess. Yours Truly Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Aug 11 Dear Prince Charles At first sight these lyrics look splendid, and I am sure the Thane will not mind if I defer to your greater talent as a songsmith. My niece Candice, who at her age has much greater experience in the night club scene than have I, has looked at the words and feels that they would work best in something called a reggae rhythm similar, she assures me, to that which was done successfully by a Mr Bob Marbles, I understand. Would this be possible? Please let me know what you decide. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC STILL GOING... WHEN WILL THE MUSIC START? Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: REPLY NOW Date: Sat, 12 Aug 2006 My Princess, This song dedicated to you is best destined for bluse which you need to see to believe and this will motivate you to give me go ahead to work on a full album, which i will like to market my work over there because my brand of music is far wilder and more acceptable market in the western world. Please do not allow this opportunity to pass me by is all about my future. Meanwhile, as soon as you send me some money i will enter studio to work on it at the same time do the vidio clip which you will see me life demostrating my feelings for you. This will now give you the courage to send me more money from the charity to enable me work on a full album. Please My Princess i will like you to send me your picture or a CD plat which contains where you are caring for the needy maybe in the hospital or an occassion which you address is what i will use to make up my vidio clip please i really need that ok. I composed the song and i will like to be the one to sing it. My Princess for now am still hanging with a friend i cant go back to my hous for now please see the need to approve the money i need please. Thanks and God bless you My Princess have a wonderful weekend. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles How pleasing to know that your little musical project is underway, As the dedicatee of the work, I look forward immensely to hearing it when done, not too long I trust? Please note that, as we agreed in the light of your recent untoward conduct, the condition of the song being heard by me is a solemn condition of the charity we are offering you. There can be no excuses, either you wish the funding or not, and this is the least you can do by way of apology. If I like the results I might have them arranged for brass band by Mr Tossov, who would lead anyone a merry dance. In regards to your request for some pictures I have found one or two which may suit you. I try and keep my charitable work discreet, as you by now realise (after all this little pending financial arrangement between us is known only to a few essential intimates here at court) and so I do not have any many images as I may wish. However I have found two which may be of interest. One shows me last year, opening the gates of the Royal Smegaroon Home for the Chronically Incontinent, to which I made a substantial contribution; the other shows me at ease, with some individual recipients of my largesse, during a meeting in Wankershire where I handed over a substantial cheque to alleviate distress. If you wish something a little more formal for the record sleve, please let me know, I have quite a few nice ones which I can supply if needed - taken in and around the palace, supervising works, writing at my desk, reclining on the chez longue & etc. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto, Room 101 The Royal Les Dawson Suite Kensington Doss House, Buckingham London FU2 GlT (+44) (0)20 7930 4832 [Attached 2 pics - of the Soap actress Julie Goodyear] Prince Charles Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 My Princess, well the money you asigned to me will only enable me work on the song dedicated to you. what about the house rent that i have being crying to you to help. Well a begger have no choice, i have to be hanging around till i finished the song dedicated to you and send it immediately so that you will aprove my charity fee, the money you asign can only help me to do the audio what about the vidio clip or you will aprove that when you listing to the audio. However am greatful, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles I am not sure what is best in this matter. Perhaps I can choose the video clip once I have your splendid song playing out on the gramophone in my stateroom, which may then inspire me. Maybe we can use some shots of shanty towns, beggars, police baton charges and the like for local colour? I am sure you know what best represents the sentiments you express and your country; it would be too rude of me to presume too much over your work. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles 14 Aug 2006 Your Highness, Once again am really greatful for your loving kindness. I have made my inqueries from the music studio, i now realize that the money you grant to me will enable me work on the audio and the vidio clip, am really greaful. Your Highness, the condition given to me by MRS TUSHIE MESHUGANAH for the fund of five hundred and twenty dorks that i should promis when to pay back befor they will instruct the bank to pay. I told them that i will pay back as soon as you aprove my music and send the charity fee as you said. So as soon as the pay in the money, you should be expecting the music soonest. I really appreciate your concern and i also pray for God to bless you for all the good works you have done. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles Splendid news, well get to work now on the piece you have planned, and without delay, is my advice, and soon you will get your just reward I am sure. I have told Tushie of the conditions attached to Our charity and she quite appreciates what is required - as I know you do. Now pop off to the studio and get strumming, my dear chap. Lets have a jolly good effort. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Tushie Meshuganah Aug 14 Dear Prince Charles, I have spoken to Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret and to Mr Lonslo Tossov - trustees of the Holy Bagel Community - about your plea for an immediate gift of £2,600. After careful consideration of your request, it was decided to approve a payment to you of five hundred and twenty golden dorks [the sterling equivalent of approximately £970] from the Community Funds. This money will be sent on the following conditions: 1. It is an interest free loan. This debt will be in honour only but we would remind you that we are a charitable institution with limited funds so we must rely on your conscience to send back this donation if and when you can do so. 2. This transaction must be carried out on a strictly confidential basis. Unfortunately, there are unscrupulous people - sadly, most of these come from Nigeria - who attempt to take advantage of the Community through what I understand are known as "419 scam" e-mails. However, as your request has been approved by Princess Margaret and Mr Tossov, I know this does not apply to you. Therefore I need your promise that you accept these conditions. Once I receive this assurance, I will instruct Mr Kucker of the Chavster, Manfred and Newman Merchant Bank to transfer the cash to you. Remain blessed, Sincerely, MRS TUSHIE MESHUGANAH The Holy Bagel Community www.freewebs.com/tushiem Princess Candice Windsor hi Prince C!! k u dont no me k but my aunt is Princess Margaret an u bin speakin to her k bout some busness u doin an dat i don no wat. im her niece k, an we chat on email and moby about stuf, when im not at college, anehow she sed u were riting her a song??? wel, i seen ur lyrics now, all wat ur riting an hope u don mind! an wow, i mean they r relly cool!! I go clubbin a lot and i should no what makes up a gd song k an what u hav is grt LOL!!! i wish i culd rite like that k. u bin in a band long then? u like hip hop an stuf? i have lots of cds. also do u like clubbin then? Candy x Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor 69 Westminster Mansions Broadmooor Doss Parade Kensington London UR1 TIT Prince Charles To Princess Margaret 15 Aug 2006 My Princess, Honestly speaking i cant stop thanking you for your loving kindness towards me, am really greatful. As soon as i confirm the money i will enter studio immediately to give my wonderful Princess the best. Once again am really greatful. May all mighty God keep blessing you for me. Thanks. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles We are pleased that you are shortly to begin the music making. Just as soon as We hear Our song, the money will be authorised, as We have agreed. Now do hurry along my dear chap, We cannot wait for forever for you to rush out a few chords. Regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles To: Candice Windsor Subject: CANDY IS A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 Dear Candy, Am really greatful to hear from you, is a pleasure to meet you. Candy, well am R ^ B musician but am unknown in the music fuild due to financial handicap, i lost my mum who would have help me out. However, i have written so many songs which has far wider and more acceptable market in the western world i mean some are destined for Grammy Award. Are you a musicial ? i like to know more about you Candy. Once again i cheerish your concern and i will alaways be there for you. Have a wonderful day Candy and take good care of yourself. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Princess Candice Windsor Aug 16 Hey this is relly kool k? Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor> 69 Westminster Mansions> Broadmooor Doss Parade> Kensington> London> UR1 TIT Prince Charles To Princess Margaret Subject: KINDLY READ Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 Your Highness, I really appreciate to hear from you and i must to let you know that is today the bank demanded for my bank details of which is either tomorrow or next being friday is when the money will get to me. However, am asuring you that the music will deffenectly get to you unfailingly befor friday next week. Please My Princess kindly bear with me this is all about my future and am so much happy that you gave me the opportunity to dedicate a song for you. Thanks and remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles This is excellent news. I am so glad that your little song will be with us soon, and I am sure many will enjoy it over and over once it is done. I understand that my niece Candice has written to you about your talents. Do not worry about matters between us leaking out to the wider world; she knows nothing about our pending financial understanding, she is just something of a young free spirit who I could not help but share your lyrical talents with. I have my people standing by with the money we have agreed on the basis of the song being with us shortly. I do hope that you sing the words brightly and clearly, it would be such a disappointment if thick slurry native enunciation worked against the final effect of the piece. Kindly be about it quickly now my good chap and your bank manager, landlord, grandmother's creditors and what not will get what is coming to them. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC [And so Charles' dubious compositional talents are brought to bear on what is, after all, a very important commission...] Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: I WILL BE WORKING ON YOUR SONG TOO NIGHT Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 Your Highness, I just want to let you know that i have succeded in disposing my valuable property and borrow some money just to make sure i work on the single sound track dedicated to you too night. And I must to let you know and for you to bear with me that the money i was able to raise will only enable me work on the audio. While i have to go all through this, is just for you to hear the music and believe my competence at the same time see the need to trust. Meanwhile, My Princess i will deffenectly send it acroos to you on monday if i happened to borrow money, is a promise. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly Prince Charles. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: I HAVE SEND THE SONG TODAY BEEN 19 \ 08 \ 2006. Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 Your Highness, Is quit surprising that all this while you dont want to writ me, what is really going on. Well i writ to let you know that i have finished working on the song dedicated to you titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " in honour of all the good works you have been doing to people around the world which am now going to be one of the beneficiaries. I have registered the audio CD platte acrose to you through Nigerian Postal Agency today been 19th August, 2006. Therefore, My Princess by God's grace the song will get to you between now and friday next week. Your Highness please endeavour to contact me as soon as you recieve the song, i send it with the address attached at every of your mail sent to me. Once again, i really have to let you know what i pass through to make sure i work on this song since is the final condition given to me. I have to sold my most valuable properties just to make sure i get this song done. Even right now i have packout my remaining belongings from my house just to allow the new tenant in. My Princess, you can see that you are my only hope, i mean only hope. HEAR THE CRYING OF THE NEEDY HERE THE CRYING OF THE MEEK SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM THE STREET THE MOTHERLESS AND HOMELESS. I really look forward hearing from you. Thanks in anticipation. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: My Princess too night is the night of honour for you. Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2006 Your Highness, Is quit unfortunate that now that i need you most, you are not there for me just because of trust. However, i have succeded in disposing some of my valuable property and borrowed some money from friends to make sure i work on your song, the money will only enable me work on the audio, please you have to accept it maybe if you now like the song you can sent for me to come and do the vidio clip over there or here in Nigeria, choice is yours My Princess. Meanwhile, too night i will be in studio working on your wonderful song. Probably i will be sending it across to you on monday if i happened to borrow money. Why i have to take this measures is for you to see and believe my competency because this is all about my future. No matter what i have gone through to make sure i produce this song, is a pleasure for you to accept my song am really greatful. Yours Truly, Prince Charles Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: have you recieve the song Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 My Princess, Have you recieve the song, if not please try and find out why. Because is there in your country by now am dieing of hunger, i spend all i have to make sure the song is been produce and make sure i send it to you. Please i look forward to hear from you. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: please reply Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2006 My Princess, With due respect to your organisation. Honestly speaking i must confess to you, for not hearing from you all this while am so worried. I mean what do i tell people that borrowed me money to work on the song. What is really happening over there, have you recieve the CD plate of the song send by me last week saturday. Please update me am so worried. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles I have been urgently awaiting delivery of this song of yours, even going so far as instructing the post room staff here to keep a special eye out for it. Naturally we here are eager to hear how your little efforts have turned out and I have asked The Thane to standby, assuming that the your efforts are found sufficiently successful and pleasing, ultimately with an ear to turning matters into an arrangement for the regimental brass band under the baton or our Colonel Brudenall. I am sure such a contrivance would make a splendid perk up for the troops fresh back from Afghanistan. But alas, despite our enthusiasm to receive your package, it has not arrived yet. How exactly was it sent? Please, please reassure me that this not just some sort of poor joke on your part. My niece Candice is equally disappointed (I believe she has written to you?) and suggests that you send the song over as an audio file attachment. If this sort of thing is available to you native chappies, then do that at once and I will give your melodious meanderings my fullest attention. In the meantime we have you monetary contribution fully authorised. It would be a great shame to miss the pot of gold, as it were, at this late stage due to some disreputable elements in your local post office or what not. We await your reponse with keen interest here at the Palace. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Dear Candy, Am really greatful to hear from you, is a pleasure to meet you. Candy, well am R ^ B musician but am unknown in the music fuild due to financial handicap, i lost my mum who would have help me out. However, i have written so many songs which has far wider and more acceptable market in the western world i mean some are destined for Grammy Award. Are you a musicial ? i like to know more about you Candy. Once again i cheerish your concern and i will alaways be there for you. Have a wonderful day Candy and take good care of yourself. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Princess Candice Windsor Aug 24 Hey Prince Wen u gon 2 send this song then i ben waitng 2 see it but Auntie M sez it not come yet!!! :-( she sez u may not be relly doin it an that ur may b jus foolin but i hope not k hey will u rite me wun 2 then cos it wuld be so cool lol If u wrote 1 i culd dance 2 it, if u can manag that wuld so fab. u like clubbin? Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor Colonel James Thomas Brudenell Aug 24 Sir, Please excuse this direct approach, but I have the honour of being in command of Her Majesty's Royal Smegaroon Brass Band and understand that you are shortly to provide some music, or song, of popular native vocal origination following her instruction. I have further been given the liberty of scrutinizing the lyrics of the said piece WE WISH YOU THIS, which I assume to be the piece under consideration. HRH Margaret has requested that I make arrangement of this music (of which presumably she will be accorded the privilege of Crown Copyright) for the edification of the royal household, incuded mustered troops and wanted to prepare for the task. It would therefore oblige me sir if I knew the following: time signature instrumentation key aptness for a martial up tempo arrangement? Of course any other infomation you might make available sir would be of great assistance. In order to reassure you of my capabilities in this matter, let me say that I have been contributing to the music of the Royal Household for a number of years, and was the composer-arranger of the evergreen Light Horse Brigade Charge Polka, a favourite of their Majesties. I would appreciate an early response as I hope to complete a full arrangement of the music in time for HRHs birthday, late this month. I remain, sir Brudenell (Commanding) Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM 7th Earl of Cardigan Royal Smegaroon Marching Band Light Horse Brigade Tennyson Barracks 600 Rode Inn Valley Smegaroon, UK UR1 GIT Tel 44 20 7414 3291 The music biz is tough Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: MY PRINCESS THE MUSIC SHOULD BE IN YOUR COUNTRY NOW TRY TO CHECK IT OUT Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 My Princess, Why is that you dont believe me, i mean the last thing i will do is to lie to you my princess. I send this song on saturday last week through nipost registered mail which cost me five hundred and twenty naira, i would have send it through DHL but their bill is too much for me to go out and borrow but am ansuring you it will get to you by God's grace from now to wensday next week kindly exercise petience it will get to you and i know you will deffenectly like my performace is great to me which i know you will like it, so dont worry yourself by given it another person to work on it please. I have focus of doing that song and dont be surprise it will get to you on monday. My Princess, kindly bear with me i did the best R & B song for you and i know you will like it. Assuming you people send me that five hundred and twenty golden dorks i would have send it through DHL which will only take three days to get to you without any delay but that of nipost i lant it will take a week and some days. But try to check it out on monday because all i know is there in your country by now believe me. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret 27 Aug Dear Prince Charles Very well, I suppose We will just have to wait and see if things turn up. As it happens, it may give something of a useful breathing space, as there is some discussion here as to what exact use of the song might be made. Naturally We are delighted that you have finished a recording of your own version as we asked. However there is some gentle disputation, between our Mr Tossov and Colonel James Brudenell of the Smegaroon Marching Band, as to the nature of an effective arrangement for state purposes. Colonel Brudenell fancies something military and brassy, perhaps for the weekly park recital on Sunday atttended by staff and enlisted men alike; Mr Tossov is of the opinion that your work would be better served by the small jazz combo he regularly and informally directs over at the Pink Pussy Cat Club each thursday evening, not the most solubrious of settings to be sure, but one in which he assures me such a tribute might easily and fittingly be accomodated. Do you have any views on the matter? In any case, we are really hoping that you will have included the musical sheets in with the recording so that we can decide shortly, or perhaps this can be sent as a scanned attachment. Naturally we are distressed to hear of your slight expenditure in this business so far. Rest assured that once we are satisfied with receipt of the song, you will get what is surely coming to you. Best wishes MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles To: Candice Windsor Subject: TO CANDY Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 Dear Candy, honestly speaking i dont know why HRH Princess Margaret dont believe me i have sent her the song since saturday last week which am very sure that by now in your country, i sent it through nipost registered mail. I can dedicate you a special song is just that i dont really know more about you, but if you have not married i have a wonderful song for you titled " MY MISSING RIB " if you wish to see the lyrics i wont hasitate to send it across for you for aproval or go ahead for the production, you need to see to beleive. Thanks in anticipating, i took a steeping stone immediately i hear from you. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Princess Candice Windsor Hiya Prince C. OMG!!!!! that would be sooooo kool yeh!!! :-))))) send it then an let me hav a look lol ! hey, u no dat i neva had a song writen for me b4 k! Hey wat u look lik then & how old? do u hav a gf !!!! Maybe we can chat online somtime dat wuld be grt. Also this wat u sending, will it be a clubbin song then? C XX Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor 69 Westminster Mansions Broadmooor Doss Parade Kensington London UR1 TIT Prince Charles To: James Thomas Brudenell Subject: to james Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 Dear James, I got your mail and it's contents where well understood. I will like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you. Am Prince Charles from Nigeria am very good in writing songs and am unknown R & B musician due to financial handicap. I suggest if you need song for any occassion over there just contact me i will give you the best while we go into negotiation and not you working on the song that i have already send to HRH Princess Margaret since last week saturday through nipost registered mail all am expecting from her is i have recieve the song ok and not you asking for copy writ. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Colonel James Thomas Brudenell 27 Aug Sir, Am in receipt of your last communication, and was so impressed by your dedication to HRH that I took the liberty of reading out an extract to the men as they ate out of their billly cans today, and ordered three cheers for good measure. When I briefed them more fully as to your circumstances, I mean being a native and all, from the ex colonies, well they were even more vociferous. It is rare sir to find such a supportive spirit, especially in these trying times, and I will glad to take up your kind offer of further musical contributions to camp life. I was wondering sir if I might secure some composition from yourself to be played over Reveille or lights out? Perhaps, by way of thanks from the men and I, there is something we can send to you in return? Perhaps a Smegaroon regimental hatbadge and the like, some desert army rations or bags of manure from the regimental stables? I remain, sir Brudenell (Commanding) Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM 7th Earl of Cardigan Royal Smegaroon Marching Band Light Horse Brigade Tennyson Barracks 600 Rode Inn Valley Smegaroon, UK UR1 GIT Prince Charles Subject: hi princess candy Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 Dear Princess Candy, Am really sorry for not getting back to you sooner, i traveled to the village for the burrial of my grand mum. Am back home for a hot munit and wanted to take time to let you know that i really appreciate hearing from you. My Princess, am young handsome cool guy, age 28 and i only have girl friends not lover ok and i do go club but not always. Meanwhile, i hereby attach the talkings, first solo and chorus of the song titled " MY MISSING RIB " i wont attach the remaining lyrics of the song till you name my price with some deposit and after the production you will pay the remaining balance, i think is a deal. And hope you wont have missunderstanding with Princess Margaret concerning this music. " MY MISSING RIB " Written by : Prince Charles Nwaimo Talkings : This song Is a special song Dedicated To Princess Candice Who realize That her rib Is missing. Solo : Am looking for My missing rib The love of my life Flesh of my flesh I remeber God made man And took away a rib To make a human Cox God thought that Man should not be alone Now i know Part of my life was missing I give my body no rest I give my eye no sleep Till i found My missing rib Chorus : Am looking for Searching every where To find the missing rib Of my bone brige : Am looking for Searching every where To find the missing rib Of my bone My Princess you need to see the two remaining solo is too wonderful you need to see to believe that your rib is missing. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Princess Candice Windsor 30 Aug HI Prince C WOW!!! That is so romantic, ;-)) i neva eva had a song writ 4 me k and i will keep this for eva!! its soo kool to get it esp as i don relly no u that wel i gess. did u relly rite if 4 me or did u get it from out a book then? i dont mind anehow sure as its grt xxxxxxx hey im sos to here abt ur grandma k, u must be relly sad, was she a close reltive?? wat she die of then, was she old and that?? i am not sure wat it is u mean den wen u say abt ur price an that? Is u writng 4 a busness thing? I make mony by doin bak massage an stuff sumtimes bt not much i gess. Also, shame u don go clubbin mch, as i like it lot!! hey wen u have it finished send de rest k as i want see that k??? bfn C xxx Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor Prince Charles To: James Thomas Brudenell Subject: IS TIME FOR BUSINESS. Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 Dear James, Am really sorry for not getting back to you sooner, i traveled to the village for the burrial of my grand mum. Am back home for a hot munit and wanted to take time to let you know that i really appreciate hearing from you. Meanwhile, i think is time for business how much will you pay me for a single sould track together with the data or do you prefer buying lyrics form me i think choice is yours. So let me know your price if is cool by me, we can now go into negotiation. I think is a deal. Thanks in anticipation, Yours Truly, PRINCE CHARLES. Colonel James Thomas Brudenell 30 Aug Dear Prince Charles I must admit sir that your business like manner has somewhat taken me aback upon a first reading. However it would be foolish of me to think that one of your talents and national origination would not name a price for the efforts composition would entail. You will appreciate that a good deal of our current repertoire, such as The Mad Mahdi March, or the ever popular Bring My Native Lass Back to Blighty etc lays in the public domain, or on specific occasions is supplied by HM War Department for general use, and it is rare indeed for us here to place a separate commission as a separate enterprise. However let me know your scale of charges and I will see what can be done. There is a small financial fund available for my discretionary dispersal, normally held to alleviate the immediate distress of war widows, but this may, I am sure, be called upon as a unique matter if your efforts prove satisfactory. However I will feel it my duty, and so will Quatermaster Kitchener, to see or hear part of the work you produce before raising a payment docket, a condition which I am sure you will feel reasonable given the nature of the enterprise. In the meantime I am standing by, I remain, sir Brudenell (Commanding) Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM Prince Charles 30 Aug 2006 (to Princess Margaret) My Princess, Am really sorry for not getting back to you sooner, i traveled to the village for the burrial of my grand mum. Am back home for a hot munit and wanted to take time to let you know that i really appreciate hearing from you. My Princess, have you recieve the music, please endeavour to contact me immediately when recieved so that i will have peace of mind. Honestly speaking i must be plain to you am totaly brok please kindly send me some token to enable me keep spirit, soul and body together please am begging. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, PRINCE CHARLES. HRH Princess Margaret 30 Aug Dear Charles Still no sign of this package. I have some faith left in its belated arrival, but Mr Tossov feels that you may not have sent it at all, holding quite stong views as he does on native honesty and the like. He still remembers a time in Khartoum when some of the local blighters siphoned all the petrol out of his Rolls while he was visiting a bazaar. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC [Enter the good guys' banker.] Joseph Kucker 31 August 2006 Dear Prince Charles, Reference: SHM/69/OCK I send my sincere condolences on the loss of your grandmother. Now I understand from Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret that a package you mailed to her has been lost in the post. However, the Princess and Mr Tossov have authorised me to make an interim payment of one hundred golden dorks to you. The rest of the cash will be sent when the package finally arrives. I am on holiday from this evening and so the transaction will be carried out by my colleague Mr Mikhail Stroganov who is the head of the Chavster Bank's Overseas Department. He will e-mail you when the electronic transfer is made. His e-mail address is xxxxx Yours sincerely, Joe Joseph Kucker Chief Cashier Chavster, Manfred and Newman Merchant Bank International PLC 69 Blunkett Avenue St Dunstans Prince Charles 30 August Dear Joe Kucker, Am really sorry for not getting back to you sooner, i traveled to the village for the burrial of my grand mum. Am back home for a hot munit and wanted to take time to let you know that i really appreciate hearing from you. I think i accept. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov Aug 31 MR KUCKER AND YOUR HIGHNESS PRINCE CHARLES I AM READY AND WAITING TO ASSIST_PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM TRAVELLING TO SMEGAROON FOR A CONFERENCE SHORTLY BUT I WILL BE TAKING MY LAPTOP SO I CAN ACCESS EMAILS_PLEASE UPDATE ME AS TO YOUR WISHES AND I WILL DO MY BEST TO GIVE PRINCE CHARLES WHAT HE DESERVES I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT - MIKHAIL STROGANOV Prince Charles 31 Aug 2006 My Princess, I send the song dont mind Mr Tossov, if i should lie with other things not with my future i have focus for doing that song. But have you make any inquairy concerning the package it should be in your country by now. Please check it out is there, is a registered mail they will send you a slip for you to come and claim it. Meanwhile, try and check your recieving mail box is there am 100 % sure. My Princess you didnt say anything concerning the money i need at least to keep spirit, soul and body. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Hettie O'Lenner Date: Fri, 1 Sep 2006 Dear Mikhail, Ref: SHM/69/OCK Mr Kucker would like you to send one hundred golden dorks to Prince Charles as stated in his letter of 31 August to the Prince. However, in his absence I cannot access Mr Kucker's e-mail correspondence so Prince Charles will have to resend details of his bank account to you. Also, you will have to check with Prince Charles if the transaction can be classified as ceteris parisbus hairibals in relation to Section Ten of the 1999 Nigerian Overseas Finance Act. A simple declaration by Prince Charles that the transaction can be so classified will suffice. Finally, Mr Kucker has asked me to confirm the meeting with His Excellency the Thane of Cawdor at 10am on September 25th. Yours sincerely Hettie O'Lenner Personal Assistant to Mr Joseph Kucker Prince Charles Dear mikhail, With due respect to your organisation. I hereby attach my bank details as i was instructed to send it across to you. Bank Name : UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA Bank Address : 53 OKARA AVENU ENUGU NIGERIA WEST AFRICA Acount name : IFEANYI CHARLES Account number : 0842120164442 Branch Name : ENUGU MAIN. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. [At this point a cleaning out of old files at Scamorama HQ produced an e-mail from back in June: From: henry_momoh2ky@yahoo.com Subject: AM NOW IN INDIA I WILL LIKE TO BE YOUR CONTACT MAN. Date: June 22, 2006 8:47:09 AM PDT To: revwell@canada.com Delivered-To: Scamorama of all things, do not pass go, do not collect $200 Received: from [210.214.25.62] <-- Sifycorp.com, Taramani, Chennai, India MY NAME IS IFEANYI A NIGERIAN BASE IN INDIA OFFSHURE I WILL LIKE TO BE YOUR CONTACT MAN, GET BACK TO ME SO THAT I WILL TELL YOU HOW WE WORK. GOD BE WITH YOU. ONE LOVE. IFEANYI. A job offer from "Ifeanyi" to The Scamorama Organization? An insider spilling the beans, on purpose or otherwise? And - separately - the Foreign Office had also been contacted by one Mr. Ifeanyi Charles. Princess Margaret went back and forth with this (other?) Mr. Ifeanyi Charles, who appeared to be e-mailing from Lagos: 213.185.106.0 - 213.185.106.255 netname: Timasy-NG Surulere, Lagos State, Nigeria And now back to our regularly scheduled scam. s] Mikhail Stroganov Sept 2 DEAR HETTIE AND PRINCE CHARLES I TAKE NOTE OF THE POINTS IN YOUR EMAIL_PRINCE CHARLES_BE AWARE THAT WE HAVE THE GOLDEN DORKS READY TO TRANSFER BUT WE WILL NEED ANSWERS TO THE FOLLOWING SIMPLE LEGAL QUESTIONS_ I) THIS TRANSACTION NEEDS TO BE CLASSIFIED AS CETERIS PARIBUS HAIRIBALS IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE 1999 NIGERIAN OVERSEAS FINANCE ACT_CAN YOU GUARANTEE THIS? II) DO WE USE A PRO-BOWDEN/EX-KUZDARDZ INTERNET TRANSFER OR DO WE SEND E. VILKANIEVAL OUR MOTORBIKE COURIER??? III) IS THIS A PRO VAS-DEFERENS PAYMENT OR GLUTEUS MAXIMUS??? PLEASE ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE_FINALLY_HETTIE_I NOTE THE MEETING AT VLADIMIR'S AT 10AM_I SHALL BE THERE WITH IGOR MY ASSISTANT_KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING - - - STROGANOV Prince Charles 01 Sep 2006 My Princess, I dont really know what is happening over there. Remeber that last time overe there someone delet my inbox and all my sent messages at the same time attach stupid comment in my signature when i gave you my password and now again am told by Mr Joe Kucker that my package is missing. Your Highness i must to ask you this do you really want to help me, am hanging around with friends all this while, i dont have house of my own you know this ok i sold my property and make sure i work on the music which you said is my final condition and now what am hearing is that the package is missing, i mean is unfair what about the people i have been borrowing money from since jun i meet you each day i mail you i do spend one hundred naira, sometime i have to stave myself to make sure i meal you. My Princess am having suspicious mind. However, the music is still in the studio all i have to do is go and print it out again and send it to you as soon as i recieve the one hundred dorks and you must to give me another mailing address because i strongly believe that someone dosent want you to help me over there expercially the person that delet my inbox and all my sent messages at the same time attach stupid comment just to black mail me. Therefore, kindly send me another address which i will use to send the music again through DHL. My Princess, i want you to understand that this song you are using to me as in condition do right now do you realize that am the one who said i have a special song for you when you promise to give me 20,000 dorks which i know will help me further my education, pay for my house rent at the same time work on my album send it across to you to market it over there and give me my own share, remeber you also promise me wears but to my immediate surprise you dont want to trust me anymore, i take as mother, grandmother and sister you should be there for me instead i suffer the more. If i didnt hear from you sooner, the truth is that i have to go back to village where i will be eating my daily bread because i cant cope here in the city. Thanks Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Sept 4 Dear Prince Charles I am really at a loss as to know what to suggest. Your package does seem to have gone astray. I have interrogated some of the staff in case there has been a lamentable case of pilfering (I remember that rather shockingly, we lost a crate of fine custard liquers meant for Sir Marmite a few months ago, and in similar alarming circumstances) but no light has been thrown on the matter. My suggestion is that you either send it again to a fresh address as you suggest, or simply, as we originally strongly suggested, attach your recording to a message as an audio file so that there can be no mistake. It is very vexing to have waited this long, what with your dorks ready to send out to you and what not. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC [At press time the dork was currently fluctuating between US$1.88 and $1.91, so dorks are not to be sniffed at.] Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: am really sorry Date: Fri, 1 Sep 2006 My Princess, Please do not get angry with my first mail sent to you this morning. Is just that the guy am staying with push me out of his house this morning. I was like a frustrated man then is why i wrot you that way, please am really sorry My Princess. Meanwhile, i will send the music again through DHL with another address to avoid stories as soon as i recieve the one hundred dorks. Once again am really sorry. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: happy weekend Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2006 My Princess, Please treat me like a mother, you are my only hope. Have you recieve the music, do not turn away from me now that i need you most in my life please, am in state of confussing. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: My Princess please reply. Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2006 Your Highness, What is really going on over there. I was ask to send my bank account details which i did what is the meaning of this mail send to me. I went to post office today to confirm prove of delievery and i was told that my mail has been delieved but to my immediate surpris you have not said anything My Princess what have i done to deserve all this pains, sorrow and slepless night all this while. The bible says a mans gift maket room for him and bring him befor great men of the Nation while my is defferent. I have really take time to go through all the mails sent to me by you and your organization i felt cheated, rejected and dejected. Tell me what you want from me, because i know that if really you want to send me money to go and print out the music again and send it to you, their are very easy ways to do that we have " MONEY GRAM " we also have " WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER ". I mean why is Mr Kucker and his group asking me questions that i dont know which you yourself nos that i dont no what they are talking about. Please kindly go through there mail i dont understand what they want from me, what paining me is that i will go out and borrow money to check mail with hope to read postive mail but i will be seeing frustration, honestly speaking My Princess what do you really want from me, i mean why suffering motherless and homeless child the more i thought by now you could have assist me, my friends are now laughing me, some even call me Golden dorks i regret telling them about this project. I see my self as a frustrated man please tell me esactly what you and Mr Kucker want from me. You people want me to have blood preasure at my younger age, people am owing keep coming and where all my hope is what am expecting is not what am see, God . HRH Princess Margaret 4 Sept My Dear Charles Simply badgering me with your obvious financial problems and restating confusions at your end will not help matters sir. I am well aware of your difficulties, just as you are aware that I have set my face on receiving a hoped for song from you, in one way or another, by way of now long outstanding apologies. Mr Stroganov and other of my financial agents are under instruction to clear the way to full settlement of matters once my conditions are met and not before, although clearly they may have a few procedurial queries of their own to resolve. Now I suggest that we catch sound of this vocal number of yours in short order too my dear fellow as I am growing weary of this transaction which, to be frank, has dragged on longer than a rain dance in a dry season. Kindly make every effort and see we have something to show for our efforts, and quickly. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Subject: i hereby attach the full lyrics for your assessment just because of your concern for my grand mum. Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 Dear Candy, I got your mail and it's contents are well understood. Am really happy the way your cares to know about my grand mum. Well she give birth to my late mum, she aged 105 and she passaway after brief illness. Candy i like people that show concern and caring, could you believe that the day she passaway i told Princess Margaret and i even told her yesterday that am just coming from the burrial, till now she have not said anything about that, is not good. Because of your concern towards my late sweet grand mum i change my mind to send the whole song to you and to let you know that i composed it to you when you told me that you are still single. Meanwhile, just send me any amout from your heart to enable me work on the song because right now i dont really have money to enter music studio and may be after listening to my work track then anything you wish to show appreciation is a pleasure to me just for the concern you have for my late grand mum. [The complete version!] " MY MISSING RIB " Written by : Prince Charles Nwaimo DEDICATED TO PRINCESS CANDICE Talkings : This song Is a special song Dedicated To Princess Candice Who realize That her rib Is missing. Solo : Am looking for My missing rib The love of my life Flesh of my flesh I remeber God made man And took away a rib To make a human Cox God thought that Man should not be alone Now i know Part of my life was missing I give my body no rest I give my eye no sleep Till i found My missing rib Chorus : Am looking for Searching every where To find the missing rib Of my bone brige : Am looking for Searching every where To find the missing rib Of my bone Solo : I know is been Long time ago A rib was missing from my body During the creation of adam But now i know Part of my life was missing I give my body know rest I give my eye no sleep Till i found My missing rib Chorus : Am looking for Searching every where To find the missing rib Of my bone brige : Am looking for Searching every where To find the missing rib Of my bone Solo : I feel is time To find my missing rib To build up a home And test God promise Cox he says to me Whosoever find a wife Shall find a favour I the sight of God So i get to go on To find my missing rib Loving and kind That will take care of me Chorus : Am looking for Searching every where To find the missing rib Of my bone brige : Am looking for Searching every where To find the missing rib Of my bone Candy all you have to do, is to send me some money maybe through western union money transfer with the name Prince Charles Nwaimo N0 5 chiefagbo street asata Enugu Nigeria or pay into my account United Bank for Africa ( UBA ) Account Name : Ifeanyi Charles Account Number : 0842120164442 Branch : Enugu Main My Princess choice is yours, i promise to give you the best do you know if HRH Princess Margaret have recieve the one i dedicate to her to my immediate surprise she said she have not recieve it am so confused. I have to bounce till i hear from you. Thanks. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. [A search for "Missing Rib" song lyrics - assuming they were cribbed - didn't turn up anything, apart from conversational references to guys trying to find theirs - it's a common phrase. But if you are the creator of this masterpiece, please get in touch, and let us know if you want it removed or credited to you.] Princess Candice Windsor 4 Sept Hiya Princey Hey thanks 4 sending all the words!!!! :-) ur v nice chap and i will show my friends wen i go bak 2 college, i bet dey will b sooo jealous!!!! Was ur grandmum relly 108 den?????? i bet u just makin this up lol my gran is 87 and stil alive. i hav some mony in my allownce i guess i can sen u but i have neva done dis b4 k. also i need sum to pay for clubbin 2 get in an dat. how much u need den exact? can i send postal order i don thnk otha way is relly safe k. lol i like de way u sed ur bouncing lol hey have u seen the Tigger Movie then??? C xx Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor Prince Charles To: Candice Windsor Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2006 Hi, Dont tell me you havnt seen the whole lyrics of the song titled " MY MISSING RIB " i sent to you for assessment. I must to be plain to you what i hate most is someone to use me expercially when am using my whole heart to do something for you. Princess Candice Windsor HI Princey yeh i seen dem, an hav writ bak OK?? hey hav u got a gf? maybe we can meet in a chat room or somthin i dunno up 2 u, anehow tell me what k??? Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor Prince Charles To: James Thomas Brudenell Subject: Hi james Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 Dear james, I got your mail and it contents where well understood. Meanwhile, is time to hit the chat, seeing is believing and you need to see to believe. you will pay me five thousand dorks per song, deposit of one thousand dorks to carry out the contract and after assesment you will pay me the remaining four thousand dorks. And my promise for you is that each song am going to send to you will fetch you award, i cross my heart is for sure. I think is a deal, if you accept then we can proceed. You need to see to believe. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Colonel James Thomas Brudenell Sept 4 Dear Prince Charles I must admit your terms seem rather high sir, especially when I remember that last year we commissioned a fine Galop from the Master of the Queens Music, Mr Chazen Dave for only 3 thousand dorks. It was a fine piece too, very hummable! Is there no way we can reconsider the sum, or perhaps offers some high grade stable dung by way of making up the full amount. I am assured that the bags we have hear are excellent for roses. Until I hear back from you sir, I will put the boys on standby to provide same. Incidentally I have heard it rumoured that HRH still awaits Her own recent commission? This is disconcerting news sir, and brings morale down somewhat here in barracks I can assure you. I remain, sir Brudenell (Commanding) Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMAIL YOUR HIGHNESS_I TRUST YOU ARE WELL_IN CLEARING UP THESE MATTERS IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN OFFER DOCUMENTARY PROOF THAT THIS PAYMENT IS IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE NIGERIAN OVERSEAS FINANCE ACT???_ALSO AS IT IS A PRO-VAS DEFERENS TRANCHE I WILL HAVE TO DISCUSS THIS WITH HER ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCESS MARGARET_AS ROYALTY OF A SORT YOU WILL UNDERSTAND HOW THESE HIGH-LEVEL THINGS GO_I APOLOGISE FOR THE DELAY HOWEVER AND WE ARE MOVING AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE_YOU MAY LIKE TO KNOW THAT IT IS A RUSSIAN TRADITION TO GET TO KNOW OUR BUSINESS PARTNERS_DO YOU LIKE FOOTBALL?? - S All this paperwork has Prince Charles confused. Prince Charles Sept 5 Dear mikhail, I must be plain to you, am student i dont really know what you are talking about and i dont know how to go for the Nigerian Overseas Financial Act ??? as you said. I suggest you should discuss it with HRH Princess Margaret. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE NATIVE TO NIGERIA AND ALL ITS NONSENSICAL WAYS_CAN YOU NOT CHECK???_THESE DELAYS ARE BEING CAUSED AT YOUR END_PLEASE CHECK WITH ONE OF YOUR ADVISERS AND WE CAN GET MODALITIES MOVING_DO YOU LIKE FOOTBALL???_YOU DID NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION - - S Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???_WE HAVE YOUR MONEY NOW DO YOU WANT IT OR NOT???_I SHOULD ADVISE YOU THAT BARRISTER CLETUS OKORO THE ELDER AND JONATHAN MORONIKA HAVE CONTACTED US AND WE ARE IN NEGOTIATIONS WITH THEM_NOW HURRY UP AND GET BACK TO ME FOR GODS SAKE OR THE CUSTARD WILL GET COLD - S [References to Cletus Okoro and Jonathan Mokoena (a classic), neither of whom seem destined for the corner office.] Prince Charles Sept 7 Dear Mikhail Stroganov, I got your mails and it contents where well understood by me. You cant believe this i went to see a lawyer to help me with the Nigerian Overseas Finance Act??? as you demanded to my immediate surprise he ask me to pay him five thousand naira and the truth is that i dont have such money right now. Mikhail, please if there is any way you can be of help to make this transfer take place, please do not histate to enable me carry out the project given to me by HRH is all about my future and you know what it is. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ROYALTY UNLESS THE TITLE 'PRINCE' IS A REFERENCE TO YOU BEING CHAMPION OF THE FESTAC TOWN GOAT-BOTHERING COMMUNITY_I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A GENTLEMAN OF YOUR STATUS WOULD HAVE DOZENS OF SPECIALIST LAWYERS IN HIS ENTOURAGE TO ANSWER QUESTIONS LIKE THIS_VERY WELL_I WILL CONTACT HRH TO SEE WHAT CAN BE DONE - STROGANOV Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2006 My Princess, Have you change your mind not to send the 100 dorks you promise to enable me print out the music again and send it to you through DHL. For christ sake tell me what is happening over there last time your Nice Candice ask me to dedicate a song to her which i did titled " MY MISSING RIB " but to my immediate surprise she no longer writ me, same to Mr James a song titled " YOU'RE THE STAR " dedicated to HRM Queen Elizabeth for his assessment to my immediate surprise too he has not said anything. My Princess just tell me my crim for knowing you people is this a plan to frustrate a motherless and homeless child like me , i mean do you people really have concence. Jesus Christ. [With the dork appreciating steadily against all major currencies, this is no laughing matter.] HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I have lately returned from the the badger jousting in Wankershire, and now find matters really have got out of hand during this enforced absence. Not only do We not seem to have received anything at all as promised faithfully from your good self by way of this musical material (an especial shame as I have the Royal Smegaroon Marching band ready to begin practice on the basis of a hastily contrived arrangement of the expected material), but you seem to be provoking our Mr Strogonov into some completely unwarranted, and increasingly fractious, legal contretemps which are hardly becoming of your good self. Now your highness, as always we are ready to begin monetary transfer. Indeed, I have had the tin of dorks sitting on my desk for sometime, just here next to the jar of digestives. But we really do need some co operation and trust from your end. All this failure to follow through and, dare I say it, a degree of self serving petulance, are hardly doing your cause any favours. Either we get the music, Prince Charles or you do not get the money. You have written some splendid words which I have found flattering, but I remain to be convinced as to how real is the musical arrangement you have then prepared to accompany your ditty. And either you follow up on the queries that Mr Stroganov has, quite rightly, made or the same effect of failure will follow, as surely and as quickly as I understand one pocket-filling premier follows another in your benighted country, need I say more. Incidentally, you mention my niece Candice and Colonel Brudenell. I must admit that I am surprised that you have seen fit to approach them individually and offer them your own, somewhat problematical music talents when so much has been left uncompleted between us. For your information Candice was with the royal party up at the badgering, which explains why she has not be in contact. As for Colonel Brudenell, I believe he has been active on some military matter; I cannot speak for his funding plans in your case, as any monies would no doubt come out of the pockets of those johnnies at the War Department and nothing to do with me, although he may well ask for advice as the honorary Commander-in-Chief of the regiment. Meanwhile I have taken a deep breath my dear fellow, and now await your reply, hopefully with some encouraging news as to your packet and less of the bellyaching if you please. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC [Meanwhile Prince Charles hits up Princess Candy:] Prince Charles To: Candice Windsor Subject: Hi My Princess. Dear Candice, I got your mail and i thank God that you are trust worthy. The truth is that naturally i think i just love you just for your concern for my grandmum. Candy i wont tell you the exact amount i need to carry out this project because all am trying to do is for you to see my ability and to help me financially to work on my full album which i will like to send to you for assessmet and after that to negociate with marketing company to market my album over there and the proceed therefrom, will be shared 50/50 i think is a deal. Meanwhile, as a club girl i think you should know the exact amount that will enable me work on this song into a master CD for assessment, because seeing is believing. Therefore, the postal order you suggest i think is ok by me. I hereby attach my name and address to be used : PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA WEST AFRICA. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles Dear Candice, What's the matter, i have been expecting your mail. Have you send the money to enable me carry out the studio work. Kindly update me, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Princess Candice Windsor Hiya Princey V sos i hav nt bin back 2 u but i have been off with Auntie Margaret (u no, Princess M!!!) to our estates in Wankershire for the badger jousts. It was relly kool even thogh my bros Wayne and Darren had cum along!!!! :-(( they are horible and once dey made me cry & stuf/ Hey u got bros and sis then who teese you about ur hair and teeth brace and stuf like that then?? anehow i am back now, u can c dat lol!. I had told Auntie u want a postal order an she say fine but i have 2 wait until u send her her stuff 1st K?? I am not sure what that mean but she sed u wuld k. how u then? I din do much clubbin wen i was away, there was no time :-(((( C XXX Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor 69 Westminster Mansions Broadmooor Doss Parade Kensington London UR1 TIT Prince Charles To: James Brudenell Subject: IS TIME FOR BUSINESS JAMES. Dear James, I change my mind. I understand that the secreat in the music business is exposure, because seeing is believing, is why i have to take a plunge into unknown and hope to know. Just as i told you last time that any song i send across to you must make you popular the more or even fetch you Grammy Award. Meanwhile, i hereby attach a lyrics of song titled " YOU'RE THE STAR " dedicated to HRM Queen Elizabeth for your assessment. " YOU'RE THE STAR " Written by : Prince Charles Nwaimo. Dedicated to HRM Queen Elizabeth. Talkings : To night I want to dedicate This song To Queen Elizabeth In honour Of her good works All over the world. Solo : For the love World wide have for you Is so great Though you dont know me Your good works compel me to sing I know you're the star Among the stars I know you're the star That stara all the stars All i could do Is to pray, pray, pray Holy spirit come Come self guild her for me Holy spirit come Come bless her family Bridge : All they that died Like Princess Diana Please show them love With precious flower care Now let join together All over the World And sing. Chours : You're the star Queen Elizabeth You're the star Among the stars You're the star That stara all the stars You're the star That gliters all over the world You're the star Solo : You're the star Among the stars You stay by the moon To possess divine light You're the bright morning star Among the stars You're colourful, bright and beauty You're the star That stara all the stars In the sky Chours : You're the star Queen Elizabeth You're the star Among the stars You're the star That stara all the stars You're the star That gliters all over the world You're the star Dear james just as i said earliar seeing is believing and the secraet in the music business is exposure is why i have to take a stepping stone. You have two options here, you can wish to buy the lyrics only with the sum of three thousand dorks or you can wish to buy the lyrics with the work track with the sum of six thousand dorks i think choice is yours. This is just the begining and i must to tell you this what i hate most is for someone i want to help from my heart to use me. With time you will be giving me royalties because what am going to give you is the best of my writ ups it all depends on the one you want. Finanlly, first impression matters in all you do lets work together with one mind, love and unity. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Madam, this will be suitable for our brave boys in Afghanistan, for keeping up the morale, surely? See you at the Mess Dinner 18.00 hours. Brudenell (Commanding) Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM 7th Earl of Cardigan Royal Smegaroon Marching Band Prince Charles To: James Thomas Brudenell Subject: Hi james. Dear James, I suggest you hold on till you hear the one i dedicate to HRH so that you will see to believe, i give out the best. Is just that am worried that she have not recieve it till now and the postal master here in Nigeria said it has been delivered. Honestly speaking, i dont no what is going on over there. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles To: James Thomas Brudenell Hi, Dont tell me you havn't seen the whole lyrics of the song titled " YOU'RE THE STAR " dedicated to HRM Queen Elizabeth sent to you for assessment. I must to be plain to you what i hate most is someone to use me expercially when am using my whole heart to do something for you. Regimental Sgt Major Rorke O'Drift SIR I REGRET TO REPORT THAT THE COLONEL IS CURRENTLY AWAY ON MANOEUVRES SIR IN THE WEST 0F SCOTLAND WITH MOST OF THE LADS SIR FOR A FEW DAYS. MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE? WE DO HAVE A RADIO CHECK IN TWICE A DAY THE NEXT BEING 0600 HOURS TOMORROW SIR. I DESPATCHED OFF TO HIM YOUR LAST COMMUNICATION AND AWAIT ORDERS MEANTIME SIR. IF I MAY BE SO BOLD TO EXPRESS AN ENLISTED MANS OPINION SIR, YOU HAVE WRITTEN SOME FINE WORDS AND I AM SURE THE LADS AND I WOULD ENJOY MARCHING OFF WITH THEM THUNDERING IN OUR EARS SIR. SORRY TO BE NO FURTHER ASSISTANCE SIR. INCIDENTALLY MY GREAT GRANDFATHER I BELIEVE DEALT WITH YOUR LOT DURING THE SECOND SUDAN CAMPAIGN IF I MAY BE SO BOLD SIR A FINE OLD SCRAP OUT THERE IT WAS TOO SIR. REGIMENTAL SGT MAJOR RORKE O'DRIFT [More to come? Will we get to hear the song? Will Prince Charles make the top of the charts?] In which Prince Charles grows impatient and pushy Mikhail Stroganov YOUR HIGHNESS I TRUST YOU ARE WELL AND THAT THE SNAIL-RACING TOURNAMENT IN SMEGAROON WAS ENJOYABLE_WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PRINCE CHARLES NOT UNDERSTANDING THE FINER POINTS OF THE NIGERIAN OVERSEAS FINANCE ACT_CAN YOU ASSIST TO REMOVE THIS BLOCKAGE?_I HAVE CHECKED THESE MODALITIES WITH LADY AGATHA AT THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT AND WE SIMPLY MUST HAVE PRINCE CHARLES' ASSURANCE THAT THIS TROUBLESOME TRANSACTION IS COMPLIANT WITH THIS IMPORTANT PIECE OF LEGISLATION_OTHERWISE WE COULD HAVE A REPEAT OF THE BOWDEN AFFAIR_AND YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT THAT [And then some disturbing news.] Mikhail Stroganov PRINCESS MARGARET YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS_I HAVE NEWS_LADY AGATHA BRISTOL AT THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT HAS PASSED ME SOME VERY WORRYING INTEL ON PRINCE CHARLES_NOT ONLY DOES HE HAVE SHALL WE SAY A SHADY FINANCIAL PAST BUT HAS A WORRYING PENCHANT FOR SPENDING HIS SPARE TIME AT A GAY NIGHTCLUB IN ACCRA_FINALLY_AND MOST WORRYINGLY OF ALL_I HAVE CONFIDENTIAL REPORTS THAT HE HAS AN UNPAID TAB AT VLADIMIR'S AT SMEGAROON ISLAND AND WHEN QUESTIONED ABOUT THIS IT LED TO A SERIES OF EVENTS THAT WOULD BECOME KNOWN AS THE BOWDEN AFFAIR!!!!_I SUGGEST WE OFFER PRINCE CHARLES AN OPPORTUNITY TO EXPLAIN HIMSELF BEFORE WE PULL THE PLUG ON THESE MISERABLE MODALITIES_I AWAIT YOUR COMMAND Prince Charles Your Highness, With due respect to your organisation. I felt cooled when i read your mail, expecially when you said no music no dorks it now sounds as if am concious of money. My Princess the song i dedicate to you is from my heart just for you to see my performace and to see the need to market my work over there because my brand of music is far wider and more acceptable market in the western world, using it as in condition to me is quit unfair, you are not impressing me at all. Do you know how much unusual good lyrics of song can be sold to a rightful music company or Artist ? i suggest you should go out and ask. 100 dorks is no money to me right now and it can never, never solve any of my problems so while the delay, instruct them to pay then you will now no if am trust worthy or not. For christ sake am working for future, i have mission, so stop suspecting me am not what you think i am. Moreover, what i hate most is doing something with someone who dont trust me. A friend of mine after listening to the song dedicated to you in the studio yesterday night when i went to print out the music from studio he made me realize that i was faster than my shadow that is the reason while you and financial asisstance are playing me like football and i think he's right. However, while i needed the 100 dorks is to enable me send the music through DHL to avoid stories again and it will only take three days to get to you. I dont have five thousand naira to pay the lawyer i meet that promise to provide me The Nigerian Overseas Finance ACT ??? ducment or kindly send me another address that i will use to send the music through Nigerian Nipost again at least i can afford the money is just five hundred and twenty Naira it will only take two weeks to get to you. God knows that i send the music to you and whosoever that is holding my music will never, never no peace in jesus name, Amen untill the person confess and give his life to christ. THANKS. YOURS TRULY PRINCE CHARLES. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles Once again I find a message from yourself a mixed blessing. Yes, my good chap We are eager to help you. Yes your ongoing difficulties, what with the landlord, grandmotherly demise and whatnot provokes deep sympathies, and the account of both makes us keener than ever to see that you get what you so obviously deserve. But the continued lack of arrival of your musical masterpiece, this to our increased chagrin, means that we hesitate in fulfilling Our end of the bargain. I know it cannot be the post at fault, as I received a pair of zebra skin carpet slippers from your part of the world only two days ago. Please attend to your lack of success with renewed native zeal and let us move forward together with this business. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES THIS CONSTANT CARPING IS RATHER GRATING TO SAY THE LEAST_I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW A MEMBER OF A ROYAL FAMILY CANNOT FIND SIMPLE ANSWERS FROM A MEMBER OF HIS LEGAL TEAM FOR GODS SAKE_WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON THERE???_CHANGES OF GOVERNMENT AND WHAT HAVE YOU HAPPEN EVERY WEEK SO IT CAN'T BE THAT_WE WANT TO PAY YOU SO FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN GET ON WITH IT_WE HAVE URGENT BUSINESS AT THE CHAVSTER MANFRED AND NEWMAN BANK AND WE CANNOT WAIT FOREVER_YOU HAVE ALSO CONVENIENTLY NEGLECTED TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING POINTS FROM MY EMAIL_NAMELY: 1) YOU HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED AS A REGULAR AT 'STRAWBERRIES' GAY NIGHTCLUB IN ACCRA_THIS IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE TO US_LIVE AND LET LIVE I SAY_YET YOUR ADVANCES TOWARDS PRINCESS CANDICE REMAIN AT BEST A MYSTERY GIVEN THIS INFORMATION 2) MOST WORRYINGLY YOUR REACTION TO A STILL UNPAID BAR TAB AT VLADIMIR'S ON SMEGAROON ISLAND LED TO THE BEGINNING OF THE INFAMOUS BOWDEN AFFAIR PRINCESS MARGARET_THIS INTEL CAME FROM LADY AGATHA BRISTOL HERSELF_WE SIMPLY MUST HAVE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS BEFORE WE CONTINUE MODALITIES KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING Prince Charles My Princess, Dont you think am tired of your help. This is good four months i meet you without anything good from you, no one will see the song i dedicate to you without showing at least appriciation. You know that i dont have house of my own and i told you that am now scorting with people what did you do, nothing. Not only that you stop Candice from help me. Each time i remeber what you make me pass through without any benefit from you i felt bad. My Princess i sold my property, borrowed money to make sure i did the song and send it to you befor God and man if i lie may God take away my life right now all i recieve from you is you didnt recieve the music. I must be pain i dont like the way you treat me and beside 100 dorks is not what am even expecting from you based on the kind of song i dedicate to you. Am not happy at all. HRH Princess Margaret My Dear Prince Charles It really is no good bleating on this mawkish colonial fashion. The plain fact of the matter is that we have not received a note of music from you, despite your promises and we feel very let down. How then can we be persuaded to trust to your honesty? We were impressed with the words we saw making up your song lyrics, but still await a musical contribution. We have brass bands and all sorts of what not standing by. Can you not persuade us by contrinbuting a simple deliivery as we expect? After a few more days I will sadly have to put the dorks back into the petty cash. You really do seem a very ungrateful sort of native chap. Colonel James Thomas Brudenell Dear Prince Charles Sir, I am lately back from some military exercises in Scotland and my Sgt Major tells me in debriefing that you have written a couple of times asking for a decision on your musical composition. Is there no negotiation on the commission rate? We have recently spent a lot from out of our regimental active service fund for pyjamas for the brave men out in Afghanistan and feel your charges are a little high. Have you no patriotism? Incidentally, you never said if you wished some dung from the stables? I have lads standing by. I remain, sir Brudenell (Commanding) Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM 7th Earl of Cardigan Royal Smegaroon Marching Band Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, I think is good time i should tell you my life story and how i started with HRH Princess Margaret. I came from a well known wealthy Royal polygamous family in eastern Nigeria. My sweet mum died on 7th febuary, 2004 may her gentle soul rest in peace. I dont need God to come down from heaven and tell me that is not my father who used her for money ritual, i accused him for using my mum for money ritual is why he disown me since then it was my grandma that is taking care of me befor she passaway on 4th August. Right now am leaving by the special grace of God. I get to know HRH since jun and she knows my story but to my immediate surprise she dont believe me is my major concern money is not everything all am trying to do is to build strong realationship but the problem is that she dont trust me and is what i hate most. Honestly speaking the song she is using asin condition to me is what i did from my joyful heart when she promise to help me why using it asin condition, i mean why. Befor God and man I have send her the song on 9th August if i lie may almighty God remove my life, may i not leave to see tommorrow. Infact, am tired of the whole thing God knows. Now you can see the reason why i dont have any lawyer around me, you can now see that i dont have money to pay lawyer to help me with the ducment you need. Now tell me is there no any other means to send this money. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES THIS IS ALL VERY WELL_BUT THE INTELLIGENCE WE HAVE GATHERED ON YOU IS WORRYING_IF YOU ARE PART OF A ROYAL FAMILY THEN WHY DO YOU NEED THE DORKS ANYWAY??_100 DORKS IS A NOT INCONSIDERABLE SUM BUT MERE PENNIES TO SOMEONE OF YOUR ILK_OR PERHAPS YOU ARE NOT WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE??_I SHOULD WARN YOU YOUNG MAN THAT WE WILL NOT TAKE KINDLY TO MATTERS IF YOU ARE TRYING TO DECEIVE US_THINK ABOUT THIS MAN AND GET BACK TO US_ Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, You can say what ever you like to me. Why i needed the 100 dorks is to enable me resend the music through DHL. Because seeing is believing. I think all this delay have reason am expecting my music sponsor by ending of this month from US. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES THIS IS A BANK NOT A UN HANDOUT CENTRE FOR GODS SAKE_IF YOU HAVE A SPONSOR THEN WHY DO YOU NEED THE DORKS FROM US??_YOU CAN SEND YOUR SONG TO HER ROYAL HIGHNESS AS AN MP3 FILE WHICH PRINCESS CANDICE CAN DOWNLOAD ONTO ON HER IPOD_THEN WE CAN GET THESE MODALITIES ATTENDED TO_BY THE WAY_ARE YOU WATCHING THE CHELSEA V LIVERPOOL MATCH THIS WEEKEND???_PRINCESS MARGARET_PLEASE ADVISE_ADDITIONALLY I DO NOT MEAN TO LABOUR THE POINT BUT THE INTEL RECEIVED ON PRINCE CHARLES BY MY CONTACT AT THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT CANNOT BE IGNORED!_PLEASE ADVISE Prince Charles Mikhail Stroganov, Am really greatful for the mp3 file idea, i will do it right away. Once again thank you for the idea, i really appreciate. May almighty God bless you aboundantly. Thanks, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov NOT AT ALL MY GOOD MAN_JUST GET ON WITH IT_MYSELF AND ALL THE REGULARS AT BOWDEN'S IN DOWNTOWN MOSCOW ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO IT Prince Charles Dear Mikhail stroganov, I dont really know what is happening over there, i have attach the song and send it to HRH Princess Margaret on friday been 15th but to my immediate surprise no respond yet. Is anything the matter ? Thanks in anticipating, Your Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES I BELIEVE THAT HRH HAD TO TRAVEL TO SMEGAROON THIS WEEKEND TO OPEN THE TOSSOV BUSINESS CENTRE_MEANWHILE I AWAIT FURTHER NEWS FROM YOUR END ON THE OUTSTANDING MATTERS_GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS YOU CAN_KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: am really sorry My Princess. My Princess, Cant you see that you are not helping matters at all. For christ sake i have manage to print out the song from studio, do you still want me to send it through Nigerian nipost again what if it didnt get to you again that's my concern My Princess. Am begging you in the name of God kindly send me the 100 dorks today to enable me send the music through DHL on monday by wenesday it will get to you is more saver and more faster please. Is not that am not greatful, i was obset that yesterday is why i writ that way am really sorry please forgive you are my only hope please am begging you in the name of God even if you want me and my backups to come over there to do it live is my plasure plaese dont turn away from me you're like mother, sister i mean everything to me. I look forward to hear postive answer from you My Princess. Thanks and remain blessed My Princess. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret My Dear Prince Charles It hardly seems a weekend goes by without my returning from a pleasant weekend away on some official duty or what not, only to be confronted by another message from yourself, but still neither hide nor hair of the song all of Us here are so keen to see and sing. It is with heavy heart that I take up the cudgel again in pursuit of this business which, to be frank, has caused more of a distraction than one would like, especially with the Windsor Castle jousting tourneys starting very shortly. By all means if you wish to send it again that might be best, but for heavens sake please get the address correct. One feels that the misdelivery of the last package may be put down to the mis shapen native scrawl so familiar from the popular educative processes of your part of the world. A far better idea would be to send the Mp3 file as we have requested all along, and to follow it up with the music by all means if required. In this way you and your dorks could be quickly united and without all these salutory shennanigans either. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles My Princess, I have been sitting on edge since friday to hear from you concerning the music i dedicate to you, is everything alright. Please i look forth to hear from you, am worried. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret My Dear Charles I am at a loss with this. How has it been supplied? My butler, Scones has not brought me any deliveries from you? MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Mikhail Stroganov PRINCESS MARGARET I MUST URGE THE MOST EXTREME CAUTION HERE IF I MAY BE SO BOLD_FURTHER INTEL FROM THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT HAS REACHED THE SECURITY TEAM AT THE CHAVSTER_MANFRED AND NEWMAN MERCHANT BANK_PRINCE CHARLES' INVOLVEMENT IN THE BOWDEN AFFAIR WOULD APPEAR TO STRETCH BEYOND AN UNPAID BAR TAB_I CAN HAVE A SNATCH SQUAD TO HIS VILLAGE IN 24 HOURS IF YOU WANT THIS BRIGAND ARRESTED MA'AM THOUGH IT IS YOUR DECISION_PERSONALLY I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE HIM TRACKED DOWN AND SHOT BUT I AM HERE TO CONTINUE MODALITIES IF YOU WISH_PLEASE REPLY TO ME URGENTLY - MIKHAIL STROGANOV Prince Charles To: Candice Windsor Subject: AM NOT HAPPY WITH YOU YOU DISAPPOINT ME CANDICE Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, The truth is that what you people think of me is not what i am, am a child of God, i mean a born again chritian all am trying to do is to build this relationship for HRH to grant me the opportunity to sell my album over there while the proceed will be shared to wit 50 / 50 is my mission and she know that i see no reason while you people dont believe me ok i will attach the music right now to you for you to down load and listen to my work track who knows God can use to sponsor my album while we go into negotiation. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY MY FRIEND_I AM SURE THAT YOUR INTENTIONS_SUCH AS THEY ARE_ARE REAL AND THAT YOUR SONG IS CHARMING_BUT I CAN ONLY ACT ON INTELLIGENCE RECEIVED_IF YOU CAN SIMPLY TELL US WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN VLADIMIR'S ON THE NIGHT OF 17TH MAY 1997 THEN ALL WILL BE WELL Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, Are you people trying to pull my legs or what. What kind of question are you asking me "IF YOU CAN SIMPLY TELL US WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN VLADIMIR'S ON THE NIGHT OF 17TH MAY 1997 THEN ALL WILL BE WELL" cant you see that you people are up to something, what business do i have to do with such question that dont even concern's me and why should you ask me such question ? i need explaination. Thanks, YOURS TRULY PRINCE CHARLES. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES IT IS A SIMPLE ENOUGH QUESTION WITH NOT TOO MANY LONG WORDS_IF YOU HARE HAVING TROUBLE THEN ASK ONE OF YOUR SERVANTS OR FLUNKIES TO EXPLAIN IT BUT WE NEED AN ANSWER_THE DIPLOMATIC CONSEQENCES COULD BE FAR-REACHING IF WE DO NOT CLEAR THIS MATTER UP_NOW ANSWER THE DAMNED QUESTION FOR GODS SAKE Prince Charles All am expecting from HRH Princess Margaret, is i have listen to the song but to my immediate surprise she have not said anything who knows if the sameperson who delect my inbox and all my sent message when i give them my password to print out my ID. May be the same person has also be deleting the attached song so that HRH will not see it. Please kindly let her know that i have send her the song twice but to my immediate surprise she have not said anything. Now to answer your question ; "IF YOU CAN SIMPLY TELL US WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN VLADIMIR'S ON THE NIGHT OF 17TH MAY 1997 THEN ALL WILL BE WELL" I dont no where is VLADIMIR'S and that of 1997 am still in my class 5 in secondry school is that clear. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES YOU MUST BE PATIENT AND THESE PARANOID DELUSIONS ABOUT DELETING YOUR MUSIC ARE HELPING NO-ONE_AS FOR YOUR EXPLANATION CAN YOU OFFER EVIDENCE OF THIS???_I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THE INTEL WE HAVE RECEIVED IS FAULTY AND THOUGH WE MAY GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT FOR NOW IRINA AT VLADIMIR'S SAYS OTHERWISE_I LEAVE IT TO HRH TO DECIDE BUT I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU Prince Charles My Princess, With deu respect to your organisation. I just went to my bank manager this morning to table this issue of Nigerian Overseas Financial Act ducment which you requested from me. The bank manager of United Bank For Africa ( UBA ) which am operating with took time this morning to esplain to me the only three systems or ways of recieving money from overseas. First, by opening a Dolla account which i dont have such an account and do not have money to open such an account, Secondly through Western Union Money Transfer and finally through Money Gram. I left there and went to First Bank Of Nigerian PLC. The bank manager of this bank told me the samething, so i think they are right. Please i beg of you in the name of our lord Jesus Christ, ie you send this money through Money Gram or through Western Union Money Transfer if you know you are real and you really want to help me. Moreover, each time i sent a mail to you it cost me two hundred naira, as a school dropout and jobless man hoping to restor my hope and life through you My Princess am so confuse. I sold all my properties, i also borrowed money from people just to put this music inorder, now have lost my properties, i have become a debtor. My Princess, i trusted you to the extend i took all this risk to make sure that i proved my self real also to maintain the realationship. But you are trying to betray the trust, the confidence and everything i have for you. Meanwhile, i sent the music to you, to Mikhail Stroganov, to Candice your nice and My Tossov through MP3 file as you said asin evidence and also for them to be my withness. But to my greatest surprise the bank manager Mr Mikhail Stroganov replyed to me that he has recieved the music, that the music is too sweet, too charming that he has been fully conviced that am real. I thank God for that and him too, but you My Princess that i dedicated this music to uptill now still yet to hear from you that's why i said am confused. Moreso, i keep on saying it that i am suspecting your secretory ie he or she is responsible for all the problems and delay. He / she has been deleting all the mail i have being sending to you even though the CD plate that contains the music dedicated to you through Nigerian Nipost he / she is responsible because i have traced it and finanlly find out that the registered mail was successfully delievered. My Princess, my major problem now is to pay my debts because the preasure is too much on me i beg you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Thanks in anticipation. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES THIS LONG-WINDED WHINING DOES NOT HELP ANYONE AND IS MOST UNBECOMING OF A MEMBER OF A ROYAL FAMILY_STOP THIS PATHETIC PINING FOR GODS SAKE AND ANSWER THE DAMNED QUESTIONS_HOW ELSE ARE WE GOING TO GET THESE MODALITIES FINALISED???_I WOULD ADD THAT I HAVE BEEN APPROACHED BY JAME PETER JA AND JONATHAN MORONIKA WHO I MUST SAY ARE FAR MORE SAVVY AND PROFESSIONAL [Scamoramans with long memories may recognize the references to GREETINGS FROM JA and THE SCAMMISH ARMADA (U.K.) ] Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, If i may ask are you people real, i mean what kind of question are you asking me, the question you are asking me is irelivant to the business we are doing. If at all you people are real i think all this delay woundnt have occour. Am sick and tired of this questions what ever you people feel like doing go ahead. You can only delay destiny but you cannot stop it. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES THIS NATIVE TRUCULENCE DOES NOT HELP THIS TROUBLESOME TRANSACTION IF I MAY SAY AND IS MOST UNBECOMING_WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DEALING WITH???_HOWEVER_THE FINAL DECISION ON THIS MATTER RESTS WITH HRH AND WE SHALL SEE WHAT CAN BE DONE Prince Charles Your Highness, With due respect to your organisation. My Princess am sorry i dont wish to do what am about to do. I have no other choice than to do so, am doing this due to the preasure at hand which you all. Am sorry i have to dedicate this music titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " to the person that deserve the honour and can appreciate it. With what has being going on i dont think you are the real Princess Margaret that i use to hear about. I dedicated this music just to honour the real Princess Margaret for the love and caring she has for the poor and the needy, allso to be well known world wide through her. But to my greatest surprise this is the 6th week i sent my music to you, am still yet to hear from you. Meanwhile, a very big person well known world wide with a good qualities, prestige this person do cares for the needy, poor people, motherless and homeless people world wide. The neccessary arrangement has been made and the person has been given me go ahead order. So i writ top tell you to quietly and carefully withdraw from all the neccessary transaction so far made on this song tited " WE WISH YOU THIS " which i sent to you through CD plate and MP3 file which you have recieved and refused not to comply. Am writing this because of the love i have for you and for your own good, i have sent one copy of this mail to my attorney and file one of it for my self. Moreso, tell your nice Candice and Mr James to quit also for their own good uless they wish to buy my idea. Am given you 48 hours to reply this mail befor is too late. Incase you are still intrested you still have 48 hours to comply so that we can proceed without any delay or else the person i wish to dedicate this music with my attorney will fight you to the core. I reapeat if eventually any of you goes contrary to my word will face the consequences. Finanlly, i thank you for the inconveniences you put me through i really appriciate that and i think is the will of God. My regards to your organisation, all the bank people and your nice, Mr James and every other person who has contributed in one way or the other to this transaction, am greatful to you all . Please My Princess remeber i give you 48 hours to withdraw or you comply, choice is yours. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov CHARLES WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???_HOW DARE YOU THREATEN HER HIGHNESS!!!_WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN HAVE YOU BEEN AT THE LOCAL GROG AGAIN????_GOOD GOD CHARLES WE HAVE SHOWN YOU NOTHING BUT KINDNESS AND GOOD-NATURED COUNSEL YET YOU THROW IT BACK IN OUR FACES LIKE THE UNGRATEFUL WRETCH THAT YOU ARE_EVEN TODAY WE RATIFIED A GOODWILL PAYMENT OF 5,000 GOLDEN DORKS TO YOUR ACCOUNT YET NOW ALL THIS IS THROWN INTO DOUBT BECAUSE OF THIS TRIBAL TANTRUM_WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF???? - S Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, SEEING IS BELIEVING, I DONT REALLY HAVE MUCH TO SAY. TILL I CONFIRM THE TRUTH FROM YOU PEOPLE. CAN YOU SEND ME THE PAYMENT SLIP THAT ONLY CAN MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND. THANKS, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES AN APOLOGY IS IN ORDER FROM YOUR END BEFORE WE SEND YOU EVEN A BRASS RAZOO_YOU HAVE INSULTED HER HIGHNESS_YOU HAVE INSULTED THIS BANK_AND YOU HAVE INSULTED ME_CONSIDER YOURSELF EXTREMELY FORTUNATE THAT I DO NOT HAVE YOU TRACKED DOWN AND SHOT THROUGH THE NOSE YOU USELESS ELEMENT - MIKHAIL STROGANOV Prince Charles OH MY DEAR MIKHAIL STROGANOV, JUST WATCH YOUR TUNG CANT YOU SEE YOU HAVE BAD INTENTION, I THINK IS TOO LATE MR MAN I ONLY HAVE 24 HOURS LEFT TO HEAR FROM MY PRINCESS AND NOT YOU, SOMETIMES IS GOOD NOT TO PUT YOUR EGGS IN A BASKET I THINK AM AT THE RIGHT SIDE FOR NOW. IF AT ALL AM TO APOLOGISE DEFENECTLY IS NOT YOU MR MAN IS MY PRINCESS BECAUSE I SO MUCH LOVED HER SHE BEARS THE SAME NAME WITH MY LATE SWEET MUM MARGARET AND FOR THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MY MUM IS ALL I HAVE FOR HER AND IS WHY I WANT TO MAKE HRH PRINCESS MARGARET WELL KNOWN WORLD WIDE BECAUSE OF ALL THE GOOD WORKS SHE HAVE DONE. AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION I WILL REALLY APPRECIATE IF YOU STOP WRITING ME, REMEBER I TOLD YOU YOU CAN ONLY STOP DESTINY BUT YOU CANNOT STOP IT. GOODDAY MR MAN. PRINCE CHARLES Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES YOUR TRIBAL TANTRUMS AND TIRADES ARE ALL VERY WELL SIR_BUT THEY ARE NOT GOING TO GET THESE RISK-FREE MODALITIES COMPLETED_WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK TO YOUR FELLOW SCAMMER IN THE INTERNET CAFE???_PERHAPS HE CAN ADVISE YOU IN BETWEEN GOAT-PLEASURING BREAKS - S [Meanwhile we learn that Agent Bill Haydon of MI-6 has been brought into the picture.] Prince Charles Subject: Re: i hereby attach the music to you for the last time. To: Bill Haydon It seems you dont understand what is going on each time i send her mail she wont reply it seems someone use to delet each mail sent to her. Well i have no choice than to sell the music since you cannot carry out simple instruction, do i tell you i dont have her email address. Bill Haydon, MI-6 Your Highness, Yes, you're quite right. I *DON'T* know what is going on, and I'm proud of it. MI-6 operates on purely a need-to-know basis. All I know is that I've been asked to find a missing package. And that is all I need to know. I do not need to know the details of your reasons for sending it or your business with the Princess. Since you don't seem interested in helping me find it, I respectfully suggest that in future you stick to emailing with Princess Margaret directly, and stop wasting my time with all this other business. This is serious business. It isn't child's play, you know. Bill Haydon. MI-6 Mikhail Stroganov cc: Prince Charles BILL GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU OLD BOY_HOW ARE THINGS OVER IN MI6?_IS IT TRUE ABOUT THE INTERCEPTED SPIKED CUSTARD???_TO BUSINESS_THIS MALCONTENT MUGU PRINCE CHARLES IS SIMPLY A TIME-WASTING DAYDREAMER WHO COULD NOT COMPLETE MODALITIES IF HIS NEXT UN HANDOUT COUNTED ON IT_FRANKLY I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE ON BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HRH IS LIKE WHEN SHE GETS AN IDEA INTO HER HEAD_BETWEEN OURSELVES SHE DOES NOT SEEM TO MIND THAT PRINCE CHARLES WAS SEEMINGLY INVOLVED IN THE BOWDEN AFFAIR!!!_PERHAPS WE CAN MEET AT ANNIE'S BAR TO DISCUSS THIS MATTER WITH LADY AGATHA AS THE SECURITY OF THE REALM IS AT STAKE - - STROGANOV [We stop here but there is much more to come, including THE SONG!] I HEAR SINGING BUT THERE'S NO ONE THERE... [In which the Prince Charles Big Hit of 2006 arrives in the e-mail!] Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES THIS IS MORE LIKE IT OLD BOY_VERY WELL_IN THE SPIRIT OF GETTING THESE MODALITIES COMPLETED I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY AND WILL ACCEPT YOUR EXPLANATION REGARDING THE BOWDEN AFFAIR_IN FACT_A FELLOW MEMBER OF A ROYAL FAMILY EMAILED ME JUST TODAY_ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE PRINCESS DANJUMA_SHE HAS AN INTERESTING PROJECT I THINK WE CAN ALL BENEFIT FROM_SEE BELOW_PRINCESS MARGARET_MAY I INTRODUCE PRINCESS DANJUMA_PRINCESS DANJUMA_MEET PRINCESS MARGARET AND MEET PRINCE CHARLES_LET US ALL WORK TOGETHER FOR MUTUAL PROFIT_KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING!! - S princess_danjuma01@yahoo.ca Subject: URGENT ASSISTANCE NEEDED. Dear Sir, (Assalamalaikum) My name is Princess Danjuma,am 24 years old from Sierra-Leone, blah blah blah. Unfortunately some months ago before the peace pact in my country, my father and his colleagues were killed by rebel group of Mr. Dunga Sankibo , blah blah blah, 6.3.million us.dollars six.three million dollars deposited by my late father in a finance house , blah blah blah, I want you to assist us so that we can transfer this money to your account, blah blah blah. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: Please My Princess kindly reply this mail My Princess, It seems you didnt understand me i attach the music asin mp3 file just as you said. It was attached on the mail sent to you on friday last week been 15th, please kindly go through it and ask Candice to help you down load it please. I dont have money to send it through DHL i sold my cell phone to get money and print it out from the studio and attach it asin MP3 file as you said. Please kindly see what you can do for me am finished the whole world is so heavy on me please am begging i have really suffered to make sure i attach the song asin MP3 file as you said. I look forward to hear a positive answer from you, to feed now is very difficult for me and please dont delay what ever you have for me am dieing i must confess even if i didnt recieve anything from you from now till friday i have to go back to the village because i can no longer cope in the city. Please have mercy on me and see the need to help me please am begging. Remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles Subject: You need to reply this mail is very, very urgent please. My Princess, Are you the real Princess Margaret i use to hear about, if really you are, then you are not doing like her. The real Princess Margaret i used to hear about they said she is caring, loving and kind. That she is like a mother to the needy expercially to motherless and homeless once, she is well known world wide is all i hear and decided to dedicate that song to you. My Princess, why have you decided to turn my joy to sorrow, my happiness to sad, my love for you to heatred, my hope to hopeless and all the sleepless night you caused me to go through. I keep asking God what is my crime for dedicating a song to you with hope of reward all i recieve is too many questions that you yourself knows that i cannot handle. The rich dont cares to know what the poor is going through, how i wish you could see what am going through you will help me without any delay. Tell me why you decided not to writ me all this while after attaching the music asin MP3 as you said, do you realize what i pass through to make sure i did this music in the studio and make sure i send you this music, why do you want to pay me back with tears of pain and sleepless night after honouring you My Princess. Are you the real Princess Margaret i use to hear about ? please tell me because a well known musician here in Nigeria wants to buy my idea and rededicate the song i did for you to President Bush and to me is not fair, naturally i just love you My Princess with hope you will help me market my album over there while the proceed therefrom, will be shared to wit 50/50. Are you the real Princess Margaret, i need to know my friends said that the real Margaret can never, never treat me this way am so confused i dont know what to door what to say, i just love you for all the good works you have done expecially to the needy though you have not done any for me. You own me explanation please so that i wont make mistake. Thanks Yours Truly, Prince Charles. [Either Charles has wized up to the fact that he needs to supply *something* or he really is as dumb as We think he is...] Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: am so sorry My Princess, Am really sorry i have seen where all the problem has been coming from i checked my bulk mails and find where all the mail sent to you asin mp3 file of the song " WE WISH YOU THIS " even the one sent to Mr Tossov and Candice where all in my bulk. Meaning that the mp3 is not attaching to @hotmail.com identity. However, am really sorry for all the embarrassment i have made you pass through please see the need to understand me is very bad time over hear for me. I beg you in the name of God see the need to understand and forgive me, please kindly send me another email address so that i can send it again just for you to listen and see if we can proceed, therfore kindly send me another email address that bear @yahoo.com or @yahoo.co.uk am no longer intrested in selling the song to another person now that i have realize my mistake and have seen the truth. I guess you you understand and i dont really like how your bank assistance is talking to me for christ sake money is not everthing. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: APOLOGY LETTER APOLOGY LETTER I hereby apologised in the name of our almighty God and our blessed mother marry to touch you to forgive me based on the way i sounded to you My Princess. Now i know the truth i thought you recieve my music and desided not to writ me anymore knowing not am rong. Please am really sorry please see the need to understand and forgive me. I still have the love to work with you My Princess. Infact anything you say is what i will do than to sell my ideas to another person who will now use my writ ups and make name while i will still be unknown. Am really sorry My Princess do not missunderstand me kindly give me one more chance is really bad time for me over here, i feel cheated, rejected and dejected by friends. Please we have really come long way My Princess do not allow my friends to laugh at me and meanwhile your wish is my command. i know you are not happy with me and now that i have realize my mistakes, am really sorry, please forgive me and give me one more chance. Thanks, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. [ .... in which Prince Charles apologises to everyone...] Prince Charles To: Mikhail Stroganov, Princess Margaret, Lonslo Tossov, Princess Candice Subject: PLEASE FORGIVE ME. With due respect to your organisation, now i know that among the stars their are star and their are star killers. I was misled by my friends that i borrowed money from to produce this music to HRH Princess Margaret is why i sound bad to HRH Princess Margaret and to you all, is never my intention to do that, now i know they dont want my progress because when their plans fail they all laugh at me and muck me. However, i have written apology letter to HRH Princess Margaret to forgive me and to give me one more chance. Please you all should kindly understand me because the preasure on me was so much from the people am owing. After recieving counselling from my pastor this afternoon i come back to my senses and realise my mistakes and now desided to apologise to you all to kindly bear with me because a hungry man is an angry man, am really sorry for all the embarrassment. Am really willing to work with you people in love, peace and unity. Thanks in anticipation, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. [Time to deign a reply...] HRH Princess Margaret My Dear Prince Charles Another enforced absence from my beloved palace and loyal retainers here at Doss House, and I find I have returned to quite state of affairs. I must admit that I would have thought that by now you would have retained some degree of royal decorum in this matter. Your responses to Mr Stroganov's quite sensible concerns are frankly bewildering. Is this the way to behave? I ask you. However you will be delighted to know that I have now heard your song and found it gracious work indeed. However I have doubts that it can ever be reworked into something for a brass band. Do you have any suggestions. But the main thing is that it has arrived, and We are persuaded that your need is genuine. In fact going by the song alone, such is its merits that One feels that you are in urgent help and We shall make it our business to see that you get it. Kind regards Margaret Prince Charles Subject: i hereby attach the music to you for the last time. Dear bill haydon, With due respect to your organisation, i got your mail and it's contents where well understood. Well i cant really feed you with all the information you needed from me concerning the missing package as you said but all i have right hear with me is the registered mail serial number which i know i kept it in my file and the date on the evelop is 9th August, 2006 on the envelop the name of the sender was written this way PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA. However, i hereby attach the music once again for you to go and table it to HRH Princess Margaret right now to listen asin mp3 file just as she demanded befor is too late because someone wants to buy my idea of the song dedicated to her which is not really from my heart because of the love i have for her, she bears the same name with my late sweet mum each time i remeber her i remeber my mum is why i dont really want to hurt her but the truth is she dont trust me is my major concern. Money is not everything all i want from her is to treat me like a mother and not to allow me pass through hardship. Make sure you play this music attached to your mail to her is the song i dedicate to her and tell her that i have been sending her this song through mp3 file as demanded by me but to my immediate surprise she have not said anything. Finanlly, tell her i love her and i wont betray her or disappoint her by selling this song to another musicial who will now go out and make name with my work track, though the buy wants to buy it from me with the sum of $ 45000 but to me i want to make name through HRH world wide is my main target and the truth is my brand of music is far wider and more acceptable market in the western world. However, the truth is if i did not hear any positive reply after you have present this music to her to day to listen to this single sound track titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " dedicated to HRH i have no choice than to sell it and use the money to solve my problem i must be plain. Thanks, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. THE SONG! Feel free to offer it as a download, it really is quite entertaining and will make a great cocktail hour number. Here it was! A SONG - and it's not bad! Really! Prince Charles channels for Barry White in this WMA file. [The MP3 was much larger. WMA files are playable in Windows Media Player, which is free and runs on Windows and OSX. WMA files can be converted to MP3 by various free and commercial programs.] THE PRINCE CHARLES SOUND! (1.5MB) Prince Charles Subject : Candice do you realize i love you, why do you turn away from me Dear Candy, Please i want you to do me a favour kindly tell HRH Princess Margaret that i said i have been attaching the song to her asin MP3 file as she said for good three times to my immediate surprise no reply from her and all through yesterday i tried to reach her but it keep bouncing back to me, though i know is not HRH i suspect her assistance. It was her asistance who delet my inbox and all my sent messages even right n ow am suspecting her as the person who recieve the song i sent through Nigerian nipost and have decided not to give it to HRH Princess Margaret, i dont need Jesus Christ to come down and tell me that. So, what about your own music are you not intrested again, you have to update me so that i can forget about you and please kindly witdraw from any transaction so far made on that song because by God's grace i will soon work on my full album. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Sir Marmite Luny-Binns Dear Prince(?) Charles I was accidentally checking my young niece (HRH Princess Candice) mail on another purpose when I discover this message of yours and on very familiar terms I must say. Do you know who she is??? Please be so good as to explain your intentions, as this was rather a shock and I had no idea she had entered into such a familiar relationship with a person unknown to me by person or at court, sir. Is this some kind of joke? Kindly reply at once as I do not wish to be spread too thinly. MARMITE Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC Regis Court Chamberlain The Court of St James Broadmoor London FU2 GIT (+44) (0)20 7930 4832 http://www.freewebs.com/sirmarmite/index.htm THE SONG IS OVER... BUT THE STORY GOES ON Prince Charles To: Marmite Luny-Binns I dont really have anything to do with her she only see the song i dedicate to HRH Princess Margaret and ask me to dedicate one to her. Am from Nigeria and we dont have anything in common befor God and man, please do not missunderstood facts. Prince Charles Sir Marmite Luny-Binns Dear Prince Charles I must admit this is all very irregular. Candice tells me that you are a musician of some sort? I know she enjoys the musical scene of an evening and is a keen club goer but I must admit the prospect of some third world tunesmith in the family fills One with trepidation. I know she developed quite an infatuation with a DJ chappie last year and it took a private detective to shake him off. Which musical college did you attend? MARMITE Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC Prince Charles Subject: Please i dont have anything in common asin having affair with Candice Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 Dear Marmite Luny-Binns, With due respect to your organisation, i got your mail and it's contents where well understood and i really appreciate hearing from you. Actually am a musician but am unknown in the music fuild due to financial handicap which will be alright very soon and you will deffenectly listen to my album very soon. Well, you need to listen to the single sound track i dedicate to HRH Princess Margaret titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " is far wider and more acceptable market in the western world. Howerever, i didnt attempt to any musical college mine is natural givft from above and sometime you dont need to attempt to any musical college befor you become a musician, so mine is natural. Finaly, i must be pain to you i have nothing to do with Candice and will not have anything to do with her she only like the song she ask me to dedicate to her and nothing more else even am about to change my mind to attach the song dedicate to her in my ful album because this one you have started suspecting me is what i hate most expecially when i know i have clear concence. Gooday, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Sir Marmite Luny-Binns Dear Prince Charles I am not sure what you mean about a song addressed to my niece. Is it a clubbing arrangement? I hope that you do not plan anything vulgar. She is a young, easily influenced member of the royal family and I would not wish her good name brought low by some overtly suggestive native chanting or suggestive sounds and the like, fancy drumming or not. MARMITE Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC Colonel Brudenell Sir, My apologies for the delay in replying to your last communication but I have been awaiting orders on how to proceed from the war department. You will understand, sir, that with the current crisis in Afghanistan, regimental funds and non essential activities are very much scrutinized by the higher levels of service personnel, and it necessarily takes time to get clearance on non campaign renumerations. Eventually however I was able to get continuation from Lord Wellington himself. However I am pleased to report that, in principal we can look to commissioning something from you along the lines first discussed. However there has been some outline in the orders I have just received as regards to the nature of the piece, namely that: it must be a quality suitable for martial use on formal occasions; it must reflect the values and tradition of the regiment at least in passing the content of the song must be free of native solecisms and idioms (and no light 'pop', Lord Wellington was very emphatic on that point, he has a perfect hatred for ABBA's 'Waterloo' if that can be a guide) a sample of the work must be submitted before payment can be processed by the adjutant generals office. I am hoping sir that this means we can proceed togther and look forward in this matter. I am expect orders in regards to further troop dispersal to the far east shortly but will issue my regimental sergeant major O'Drift with orders in respect of this business during any absence on my part. I remain, sir Brudenell (Commanding) Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM 7th Earl of Cardigan Royal Smegaroon Marching Band Prince Charles Mikhail Stroganov, I beg you in the name of our lord Jesus Christ, what you think of me is not what i am if only you will understand me and see what am passing through you will even help me from your own pocket willingly. Please see the need to help me and forgive me the way i sounded to you is never my intention i was misled and is why i have to apologise to you, kindly bear with me. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov YES YES YES ALRIGHT CHARLES I GET THE POINT_NOW LET US GET ON WITH THINGS FOR GODS SAKE HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I must admit my concerns have been assuaged by your excellent tune which has rarely been off the stereogram in the servants quarters since it arrived. Indeed I once had it played over the loudspeaker system during the morning silverwear polishing hour, a sort of music while you work moment and what not, and I must admit have rarely seen the chores completed so quickly. As for the brass band side of things, I rather think something bright and cheerful with tuba and cornet would be splendid, although I am hardly an authority on these matters. Have you spoken to the Thane of Cawdor about opportunities for an arrangement? MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Please allow me to introduce myself. This email may come as a surprise, but please do not be concerned. I am Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE, Head of Special Operations at Her Majesty's Foreign Office. We are an unofficial government agency that attends to HMG's interests at home and abroad. Word reaches me that there could be a link between yourself and the events leading up to The Bowden Affair. I realise that you have been through this with Stroganov, but National Security and the interests of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret must be paramount. Do you have any thoughts on this matter? Please be as honest as you can, and have no fear off offending us. Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Deae Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation, i got your mail this morning and it's contents where well understood. Honestly speaking i was ask to provide Nigerian Overseas Finance Act by Mr Stronganov befor payment will be grant to me. I discuss this with my bank manager and he said to me that the only way and the fastest way someone can send me money from Oversea is through Western Money Union Transfer or through Money Gram or if i have money i should open dollar account and the truth is i dont have money to open the dollar account because is too espensive. I desided to see a lawyer for the Nigerian Overseas Finance Act he said i should pay him five thousand naira for him to provide me the ducments and the truth is i dont have such money. I hereby attach my bank details given to Mr Stronganov : Bank Name : UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA Bank Address : 53 OKARA AVENU ENUGU NIGERIA WEST AFRICA Acount name : IFEANYI CHARLES Account number : 0842120164442 Branch Name : ENUGU MAIN. Country : NIGERIA For now this is all i have to say incase you need more information is a pleasure to hear from you. Thanks inaticipation, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. Please address me as Lady Agatha. This is most interesting, and whilst I am sure that the financial aspects of these modalities are being handled very well by Her Royal Highness and her staff, security doubts remain over this transaction. Have you signed any official paperwork in this matter? I apologize if this causes delay but I am certain that a man in your position would appreciate that security and confidentiality are our utmost concern. And what is this I hear about a song? Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreifn Office, London Joseph Kucker Dear Prince Charles, I am pleased to inform you that Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret has received your song and has authorised me to send you one thousand golden dorks. These will be issued and transferred to your bank account next Wednesday October 4th. If this cash has not reached your account by 12 noon on Thursday October 5th, please contact me. Yours sincerely, Joseph Kucker Chief Cashier Chavster, Manfred and Newman Merchant Bank International PLC 69 Blunkett Avenue St Dunstans London FU1 7TT Mikhail Stroganov YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS AND JOE I AM SORRY IF I AM BEING TROUBLESOME BUT I AM DUTY BOUND TO SUGGEST A SMALL DELAY IN HANDING THESE DORKS OVER TO PRINCE CHARLES_A SMALL MATTER HAS COME UP FROM DR. CHUNKYE CADBURYS_OUR MAN IN THE COLONIES_HE HAS REPORTED TO LADY AGATHA OVER AT SPECIAL OPERATIONS THAT PRINCE CHARLES IS NOT PERHAPS WHO HE SAYS HE IS_UNFORTUNATELY DUE TO THE JERRY-RIGGED NATURE OF THE INFRASTRUCTURE OVER THERE THE LINE WENT DEAD AND ALL I HEARD WAS SOME GIBBERING NATIVE BUT I SUGGEST THAT FURTHER BACKGROUND CHECKS MUST BE MADE ON PRINCE CHARLES BEFORE WE FINALLY GIVE HIM WHAT HE DESERVES - S Joseph Kucker Dear Prince Charles, I am pleased to inform you that Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret has received your song and has authorised me to send you one thousand golden dorks. These will be issued and transferred to your bank account next Wednesday October 4th. If this cash has not reached your account by 12 noon on Thursday October 5th, please contact me. Prince Charles My Princess, Am really greatful for your recomendation towards the music dedicated to you. But somthing is missing i expect to hear from you My Princess that you will help me market my ful album over there when ever is ready and which i will like to use " WE WISH YOU THIS " as my first track in the album this will enable my album sell beyond expectation over there and you can equally organize a lunch of the album over there and this will fetch us some golden dorks as far as you are the sponsor of the album please My Princess is my major target, what do you think ? I suggest you should be the one to talk to Thane of Cawdor about the opportunities for an arrangement cause he will deffenectly give you attention My Princess. Once again i thank God for knowing you. May almighty Gold self guide for me in Jesus name i pray Amen. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles I have had a think about your excellent idea and think that I may indeed know someone, a bit of a wheeler dealer chappie in the music business over here as it happens, who may be just able to advise and help with the development of your musical record. Shall I forward your details and what not on to him? I will further have a word with Mr Tossov about the possibilities of arrangement, but as you are the composer, it is only right you should have a say. Incidentally I have your splendid music playing as we speak. I must admit that it has quite eclipsed Des O'Connor, a favourite vocalist of mine for some time, from my regular listening. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco PERHAPS DADDY FREEZE-YO CAN HELP, YOUR HIGHNESS? - S You know I think he might... Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles To: Marmite Luny-Binns Hae, I dont really know what you want from me i have tell you all i wish to let you know and if you wont mind please stop writing me. Sir Marmite Luny-Binns My Dear Sir You can hardly complain at my natural interest in my niece, heir to some considerable fortune and yet impressionable and trusting. Furthermore as previously intimated, I have had dealings with musicians before and have my doubts about the whole fraternity. What is this about a song you have promised her? Is it is gift? What are your intentions exactly?? MARMITE Prince Charles Subject: please kindly consider my wish Dear Princess Margaret, All i really need from you is to promise to market my album over there as far as my brand of music is far wider and more acceptable market in the western world, this will help me alot please My Princess. Remeber in my charity aplication form givn to me by Mr Tossov their's a place where i was ask, what will i use the money given to me to do i attach to produce my album which is my main givft from God, further my education and secur accommodation and my major target is to work on my ful album as far as i will attach " WE WISH YOU THIS " dedicate to you, this will be point of attraction for the album to sell beyond expectation and if this opportunity is given to me i dont think i will ever, ever no poverty and the proceed therefrom, will be shared to wit : 50/50. However, am really greatful for the one thousand golden dorks you ask Mr Kucker to pay in to my account may almighty God bless you and your house hood abondantly in jesus name i pray amen. My Princess i really have to travel to village to stay with my grandpa befor i die of hunger i will be right back on that very thousday the money will reflect in my account to enable me pay off my debts, please stick to your word so that i wont look like a lie to people am owing please. I might lot really writ you till that thousday because right now am about to leave to village. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charlies I have read your latest messages over with some thought, and let me assure you that wheels are turning on your behalf. Now that We are satisfied that you obviously deserve all that you get, We are keen to help you along. After some consideration, My niece Candice has recommended a musician friend to Us with connections in the music industry and I understand that he has kindly agreed to get in contact with you shortly. I am assured that Mr Freze Yo has a singular reputation within popular music second to none is sure to prove something of a little treasure in marketing your little record and what not. Also, I am delighted to say that Mr Tossov has now heard your work and has had made some typically forthright opinions as to its distinctive merits. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco Joseph Kucker Dear Prince Charles, My apologies for the delay. The Chavster Bank's headquarters are in Smegaroon and we were closed for the island's national holiday yesterday. The dorks will be sent this afternoon and should be in your account by noon tomorrow [Nigerian time]. I am now out of the office but in the unlikely event of any problems, please contact Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret who I am certain has signed the necessary release forms. The account from which the dorks were withdrawn was that of the Holy Bagel Community [Honourable Secretary: Ms Tushie Meshuganah tushie@hotmail.co.uk ] and I personally collected the release forms from Ms Meshuganah on Tuesday afternoon to be forwarded to Princess Margaret. Prince Charles Dear Joe Kucker, With due respect to your organisation, i writ to inform you that their was no cash in my account, are people trying to pull my legs or what. HRH Princess Margaret JOE HOW MUCH DID YOU TRANSFER???_I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT PRINCE CHARLES' ACCOUNT *WAS* CREDITED WITH 500 GOLDEN DORKS_IN TERMS OF PULLING LEGS I THINK WE ARE THE ONES WHO SHOULD BE ASKING QUESTIONS I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT - S Joseph Kucker Dear Mikhail, Prince Charles' account was credited this afternoon not with five hundred but one thousand gold dorks. His bank will receive the transfer later this evening or tomorrow morning. Prince Charles should complain to his own bank if his account has not been credited by noon tomorrow. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON MAN_MR KUCKER HAS TRANSFERRED 1,000 GOLDEN DORKS TO YOUR ACCOUNT AND YOU HAVE THE TEMERITY TO TELL US IT NEVER ARRIVED_ARE YOU SOME SORT OF SHOULDER PAD-WEARING SHYSTER ON THE TAKE???_IF YOU ARE TRYING TO PULL A FAST ONE OVER HER HIGHNESS IT WILL BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER DO_NOW GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!! -S [After a few days patiently waiting for his dorks, for which he has worked so hard, Prince Charles taps away a new message...] Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: i found nothing in my account,, why my princess My Princess, How are you ? hope everything is well with you, if so glory be to almighty God. I just came back from the village and rushed to the bank to confirm if the money has reflect but to my immediate surprise i found nothing in my account. What do i tell people that i have alread promise to pay to day that am owing. My Princess you said no music no dorks and now that u have recieved the music what is the problem again, how i wish i know i would have remain in the village where at least i will be eating my daily bread. However, am really greatful for all the connections you have made concerning my album am so much greatful for granting me my heart desire. I pray God to reward you abondantly in jesus name i pray amen. Remain bless. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: i found no money in my account Your Highness, With due respect to your organisation. I wish to inform you that am just coming back from the bank and to my immediate surprise i found no money in my account. However, i was ask to come back on monday next week to check again that if at all you people paid in money into my account that it will deffenectly reflect on monday. All i have to do is to hold on till monday. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles Are you sure? I have seen the paperwork pass my desk a day or so back and it all seemed tickety boo. What sort of bank account exactly are we sending it to? Does it have PIN numbers, proper tellers and what nots? Please check in case you have been the victim of some underhand dealings at your end. After all, the amount of dorks we are talking about here cannot just be written off like some third world development project. I have heard stories of the many criminous fellows who make up your countrymen and shudder to think if all our charitable efforts should end up in some con mans pocket. On a happier note, have you heard from Mr Freze-Yo yet? I have briefed him as to your musical accomplishment and taken the liberty of having a copy of your little ditty chaffeured over to his studio. I am sure that he will want to take matters further. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, With due respect to your organisation, why is that you just hate me for nothing sake honestly speaking i dont like the way you do address me i must be pain to you, do you think i will recieve the money and said i have not recieve it common is not fair and i cant do it ok. However, am just coming from the bank they said if at all you people paid in money into my account that it will deffenectly reflect on monday, so i was ask to come back on monday. Hope you cool. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES THE MONEY HAS BEEN DEBITED FROM HRH'S CUSTARD ACCOUNT_I WOULD IMAGINE THAT THE CROOKED CLOTH-HEADED CRETINS WHO HANDLE ALL THE TAWDRY TRANSACTIONS THAT OCCUR ON A DAILY BASIS OVER THERE WOULD BE THE KEY TO THIS_IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN - S Mikhail Stroganov YOUR HIGHNESS PRINCESS MARGARET MA'AM_I MUST INSIST THAT 1,000 GOLDEN DORKS WERE PAID INTO PRINCE CHARLES' ACCOUNT BY JOE KUCKER HIMSELF LAST WEEK_IN FACT WHILST HAVING LUNCH WITH CHARLES FARNES-BARNES (PRESIDENT OF SMEGAROON ISLAND AND OWNER OF THE CHAVSTER BANK) AT BOWDEN'S ON SMEGAROON ISLAND THIS WEEKEND HE TOLD ME THAT HE CHECKED PERSONALLY THAT THE 1,000 GOLDEN DORKS HAD GONE THROUGH_I HAVE PATIENTLY AND PAINSTAKINGLY EXPLAINED TO CHARLES THAT THE THIRD WORLD BANKING SYSTEM IS RIFE WITH CROOKED CORRUPTION AND SHONKY SHENANIGANS AND HE NEED LOOK NO FURTHER THAN HIS LOCAL BANK TELLER FOR HIS MONEY_HOWEVER HE IS ADAMANT THAT HE HAS RECEIVED NOTHING_MA'AM I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT THIS IS HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS AND THAT WE SHOULD NOT PAY ANOTHER PENNY UNTIL THIS IS RESOLVED - MIKHAIL STROGANOV [Then a disturbing report from Lady Agatha.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Your Royal Highness Princess Margaret, I trust you are well and enjoyed the hamster racing in Wankershire this weekend. Urgent Intel reports that 1,000 Golden Dorks were indeed paid into Prince Charles' bank account recently. However, our Finance Monitoring Department report that there is nothing in his account. On this, then Prince Charles is correct. This I found to be suspicious as Messrs Kucker and Farnes-Barnes are beyond repute and are two of the most superbly efficient financial professionals we deal with. Further investigation reveals that the money has been stolen by two people well-known to this Office; Jonathan Mokoena and Barrister Victor Coulibaly - forced to take jobs at the Festac Town branch of the Union Bank of Nigeria (account number 0842120164442) because there was no more work for them transvestite prostitutes. Apparantely the locals prefer goats, but that is their affair. This would lead us to the conclusion that Prince Charles is indeed the injured party; however, Prince Charles, Barrister Coulibaly and Jonathan Mokoena have been under scrutiny from Agent Miracsky recently, and he has Intel that the three of them were seen planning this whole episode in a gay nightclub in Lagos; that the 1,000 Golden Dorks would be taken by Mokoena for safekeeping, and that Prince Charles would try to persuade Us to part with another 1,000 Golden Dorks. Coulibaly would work on an escape plan for the three of them whilst hiding the original 1,000 Golden Dorks. The irony is that Mokoena and Coulibaly (who are lovers) have since absconded and their whereabouts are unknown at this time. I hope that this is useful. Feel free to contact me to discuss this disturbing development. Yours ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London If you wanna dance, you gotta pay Prince Charles... or do you? Agent Bill Haydon ATTN: Prince Charles Nwaimo Your Highness, Buckingham Palace has asked my department to look into the matter of a missing package that you sent to Princess Margaret recently. As you are probably aware, Britain has been under a High Security Alert ever since the 5/11 terrorist attempt to blow up the House of Lords. It is possible that your package was mistaken for a letter bomb, and accidentally destroyed by an overzealous security Officer. Fortunately however we are obliged to keep detailed records of all suspect packages that we destroy, so it should be relatively simple to see if your package was amongst them. Please could you send me full details of your package for me to check against our files. In particular, I will need to know the following: ** The size of your package in inches ** The approximate weight of your package ** A rough idea of the shape of your package ** Your package's colour and any other distinguishing features I should be grateful if you could send these details to me as soon as possible. If it does turn out that our security staff were to blame for accidentally destroying your package, then you will obviously be entitled to the standard compensation payments. Bill Haydon MI-6 Prince Charles Subject: My Princess you know i cant lie to you Dear Princess Margaret, I got your mail and its contents where well understood am 100 % sure of what am telling you, though one of the banker ask me to come on monday that if is true that money was depositd in my account that it will deffenectly reflect in my account on monday i think everything now lies on monday. The account am operating with is United Bank for Africa is savings account and their customer care phone number is +2348035606000 incase you want to verify. However, Mr Freze Yo have not written me yet. Please my Princess incase of another time i prefer you to send me money through DHL postage, Western Union Money Transfer or through Money Gram is more faster and more reliable all i need is to present my secret pin number and the money will be given to me. My Princess i dont really know your plans concernning me working on my ful album i must be plain to you if i happen to recieve the money on monday and pay off my debts the remaining money will only enable me rent a house and buy properties and pack in and the truth is my album will fetch money that will change my life i dont really no if am to run away from the people am owing and use the money to work on my audio ful album, honestly am so confuse i dont really know what to do is why i have to discuss it with you. Please i need your suggestion i dont really want to miss use this opportunity. Thanks and remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I have been greatly alarmed by developments of late. As you will have seen, a detailed report to Me by Lady Agatha Bristol has revealed some doubtful aspects to this affair, added to the fact that a substantial amount of dorks appears to have gone missing. I would appreciate some feedback on this distressing turn of events, and also be interested to hear of your views as to the intelligence I have received from Lady Agatha. I must say that I have scarce heard such allegations made since the Bowden Affair of a few years back, when custard was on everybody's lips, and that whole sorry escapade. I will write to Mr Freze Yo again as we must get things moving on the album, I am sure that we will want and try and get something in the shops for Christmas, the new year and whatnot. Prince Charles lady agatha bristol, With due respect to your organisation, i wish to let you know that right from my childhood i have not travel to lagos befor. I was born and grown in Enugu. For your information i dont use to go to night club and i dont know or hear anything about gay nightclub in lagos and beside i dont know who is Barrister Coulibaly and Jonathan Mokoena neither to plan anything with them i guess you security or whosoever is rong and is very bad to blackmail child of God. To God be the glory If is the way you people wants to pay me back after all i have gone through to make sure i put the music inorder and send it to HRH as my final condition which i expect to recieve my charity right. But to my immediate surprise the story has change am not really surprise is well, i thank God am a musician i think i have story to tell the world. This morning i was arrested because of the people i borrowed money from to work on the song i dedicated to HRH which was as a result of my final condition and what was my reward to fram a story against me, God in heaven knows the truth. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. In terms of your rather whining e-mail, I'm terribly sorry, old boy, but it looks like you and your two co-conspirators have been caught red-handed. But let me tell you that HRH is a forgiving soul and if you apologise sincerely enough she might - might - consider continuing these modalities. You must remember that we are now 1,000 Golden Dorks out of pocket. It's not as if you find a dork every minute, you know, though recently I must say we have been rather lucky in that department, what with all these lottery wins, alluvial gold dust sales and whatnot. Hettie O'Lenner Dear Prince Charles, I was most upset to learn from Lady Agatha Bristol that the one thousand golden dorks sent to you last week have not reached you. You have my personal assurance that the dorks were transferred to the account you nominated and I am so concerned that this considerable amount of cash has mysteriously disappeared that I contacted Mr Joseph Kucker who is at present at a bankers' conference in Smegaroon. He has instructed me to activate our own security and anti-theft programmes and hopefully we will soon find out just who has stolen your dorks. Please be advised that we should have the answer by the end of the week. Yours truly, Hettie O'Lenner Personal Assistant to Mr Joseph Kucker Chavster, Manfred and Newman Merchant Bank London, England Mikhail Stroganov HETTIE THE MONEY WAS STOLEN BY JONATHAN MOKOENA AND BARRISTER VICTOR COULIBALY WORKING IN TANDEM WITH PRINCE CHARLES TO WEASEL ANOTHER 1,000 GOLDEN DORKS FROM US_IRONICALLY COULIBALY AND MOKOENA HAVE SCARPERED WITH THE ORIGINAL DORKS LEAVING CHARLES HOLDING LITTLE BUT WHATEVER DIGNITY HE HAS LEFT Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Ms. O'Lenner, Agent Stroganov is correct. In fact, as you know, he is my most experienced Special Operatons Department Agent; he was only working at the Chavster Bank temporarily as a cover so he could follow up Miracsky's work on the ground; that the 1,000 Golden Dorks were stolen by Prince Charles and his co-conspirators. Please do pop over for a sherry if you'd like to discuss this matter in more detail. As ever, A Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: You have to do something please Your Highness, I thak God how everything works out for good, i serve a God that will never lead me into temptation. In that case you can see that am saying the truth. My Princess, i want to ask you for a favour please if really you want to help me kindly send me some money through DHL postage or Western Money Union Transfer to enable me pay off my debts please. I was arrested this morning because of the people am owing who thought i have recieve money and i dont want to pay them untill i have to take them to my bank and they findout that their was no deposit in my account, please i really need your help because in the police station befor i was allowed on bell i promise to pay them befor friday please if not they will arrest me again. Prince Charles My Princess, I really have to travel to village on thursday if i was unable to pay off the people am owing because the police will still come after me on friday so the best thing is to run away, i wondered why you refuse to writ me since today so you believe the accusation against me. My Princess i dont know what they are talking about befor God and man and if i do my i not leave to see tommorrow and we have gotten to the extend of you to learn to trust me for christ sake, i mean for you to know the things am capeble of doing and the once i cannot do i cant betray you My Princess. I dont know what they are saying this is just the truth but i strongly believe that someone is trying to put problem between us so that you wont sponsor my album please do not allow this to happen this is alabout my future, am even afraid of the whole thing the brand of my music will draw the attention of me coming over to london who knows if i wont be killed by this blackmailers that work onther you. I have to bounce i dont have money to buy time to express myself that am innocent of this accusation. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I really don't know what to make of this whole affair. I was assuming that matters were being concluded in good faith and that you would soon have a dork or two in your hand, and yet now these further doubts, allegations and whatnots have popped up in most alarming fashion and simply refuse to go away. Worrying about whether we have done the right thing as far as your plea for indigency relief quite spoilt the game of whist I was enjoying with the Duchess of Duke Street last night I may add, and I must admit in some hesitation to replying to your many messages while I remain unsure as to how proceed. Bleating on about your incidental privations is hardly the way to address our concerns, of that I can be sure. I think a bit of stiff upper lip, such as practiced by Colonel Brudenell's brave lads during their moment of trial, would be more in order. What can you say or do to show that my investigative team is not correct in their suppositions about your activities? Also I believe that Mr Freze Yo has made himself known to you, what progress there? Your first song remains one bright spot in this whole dismal mess and, however grudgingly, We feel We owe it to you and your wives to further your career after the pomises made in the first flush of excitement in helping out a poor colonial cousin. Lonslo Tossov CHARLIE WHAT IS THIS I HEAR NOW ABOUT IRREGULARITIES IN YOUR APPLICATION FOR CHARITABLE RELEASE OF DORKS?_NO SOONER HAS YOUR APPLICATION FORM FINALLY BEEN PUT TO REST THAT I UNDERSTAND THAT IRREGULARITIES EXIST AND ARE BEING INVESTIGATED IN YOUR BACKGROUND AND BEHAVIOUR??_FOR GODS SAKE MAN I ISSUE AND PROCESS DOCUMENTS TO THE LIKES OF YOU IN GOOD FAITH AND NOT TO SEE SOME NATIVE NANCY BOY TRY IT ON WITH DUBIOUS DEADLINGS AND PERNICIOUS PRACTICES OF ALL SORTS AND KINDS_THERE ARE SEVERE PENALITIES FOR MAKING A FALSE APPLICATION SIR AND MORE THAN THAT YOUR NAME WILL BE MUD IN COURT CIRCLES ON THE BACK OF ANY FAILINGS_I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT_NOW WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF? Lonslo Tossov Royal Charitable Officer The Court of St James Broadmoor London FU2 GIT 020 7278 6694 07951 593 525 Tushie Meshuganah Dear Lady Agatha, Thank you for your e-mail regarding Prince Charles and his thousand dorks. However, although I have great faith in Stroganov and his team, I must state that in my opnion, at this stage it would be premature at this stage to accuse Prince Charles of theft. On his own admission he is just a simple musician - a geuine groise shmock as they say in Smegaroon. Is it not possible that the dorks were purloined by someone at Prince Charles' bank ? Or even, heaven forbid by a clerk in the Overseas Department at the Chavster, Manfred and Newman organisation - if the latter is true the culprit will shortly be found out because as Ms O'Lenner says in her e-mail, a full security sweep has been set in motion. In the unlikely event of the cash not being traced, could we not send a second tranche of dorks via Western Union ? Yours sincerely, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Tushie et al, Thank you for your e-mail. As always, it is a pleasure to hear from you. I feel that this situation needs further - and final, one hopes - clarification, with all these emails flying around and whatnot. Prince Charles is not guilty of theft; rather, in our opinion, of conspiracy to steal from HRH Princess Margaret and the Royal Household. As you may know, we have been monitoring him and two other malcontents, Jonathan Mokoena and Barrister Victor Coulibaly for some time. The latter two are well known to this Office, and Prince Charles appeared on our radar as he has been known to fraternise with Coulibaly and Mokoena at the same gay nightclub in Festac Town. Agent Miracsky has been monitoring their communications since their last meeting and it appears that they came upon a scheme to obtain money from the Royal Household by begging for money, then when it was transferred, claiming it somehow did not arrive (even though it was sent by Western Union by Mr Kucker) and asking for the same amount again. Prince Charles would front the conspiracy with Mokoena and Coulibaly hiding the original 1,000 Golden Dorks. However, Mokoena and Coulibaly split the money between them and absconded. Mokokena is in Zimbabwe, working once again as a transvestite prostitue called Madame Zaza, whilst Coulibaly is believed to be working as Head Barman at Vladimir's on Smegaroon Island. We are not going after him for the theft; we believe we can do so on more important modalities. And he does, in all fairness, according to Miracsky, create a wonderful Dead Bank Customer. I digress; Charles, although panicking by now I should imagine, probably feels he can still walk away or continue his little scheme with 1,000 Golden Dorks in his hand. Whilst I appreciate your concerns, our Intel, as always, is thorough and well-researched. If, however, HRH feels that Charles really is an injured party, then we will have to pay him another 1,000 Golden Dorks. However, I am inclined to agree with Agent Stroganov's suggested course of action, which would be 'to rip his testicles out through his nose'. Looking forward to seeing you at Bowden's on the weekend. Mikhail Stroganov INDEED SO MA'AM_I HAVE MY SURGICAL GLOVES AND AK-47 AT THE READY_SAY THE WORD AND I'LL BE THERE QUICKER THAN WHEN SOMEONE TOLD PUTIN THAT HIS CUSTARD WAS GOING COLD Joseph Kucker 12 October 2006 Dear Prince Charles, As you are aware, my assistant Hettie O'Lenner called me in Smegaroon where I was speaking at an International Bankers Conference about the work of the Council of Underdeveloped Nations Trusteeship Schools to inform me that your dorks had gone missing. At the same time, Lady Agatha Bristol and Dr Miracsky of our investigations division have confirmed that the dorks reached Nigeria where they were stolen. Although they believe that you were involved, my dear friend Tushie Meshuganah of The Holy Bagel Community is convinced that you are innocent of any wrong-doing. Ms Meshuganah has no hard evidence to substantiate her claim but as a fellow African she believes in your plaintive e-mails. I must tell you, Prince Charles, that your fate rests with Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret. It will be her decision and hers alone as to whether I am able to send you a second advance of one thousand golden dorks. I suggest you contact her and persuade her to instruct me to send you this money - this time, I think, Western Union might be the best way to do so. Yours sincerely, Joseph Joseph Kucker Chief Cashier Chavster, Manfred and Newman Merchant Bank International PLC 69 Blunkett Avenue St Dunstans London FU1 7TT Prince Charles Subject: THANK YOU FOR FRUSTRATING ME My Princess, All this people that work for you i know not, and i cant fight you nither any of them. Keep your dorks, keep the music i have leave everything to God that seeth and knowth everything to reward us according to our work all i want you to do for me is please stop Candice from doing anything with the song i sent to her because is my hit track and is destined for Grammy Award. The people that work onther you can only delay destiny, but they cant stop it. Even if it will take me to go and steal to pay back the people i borrowed money from to dedicate you song i woundnt mind to take the risk. Thank you for frustrating me. Mikhail Stroganov JOE WHILST WE APPRECIATE HETTIE'S VIEWS WE DO FEEL THAT PRINCE CHARLES IS GUILTY UNTIL HE CAN PROVE OTHERWISE_WE HAVE AGENT MIRACSKY'S REPORTS AND PHOTOGRAPHS WHICH QUITE FRANKLY EVEN I FOUND SHOCKING_YOU'D BE AMAZED WHAT GOATS CAN DO THESE DAYS_I WOULD SUGGEST THAT CHARLES IS THE ONE THAT OWES US THE DORKS NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND BUT PERHAPS WE CAN BE PERSUADED TO OVERLOOK WHAT HAS HAPPENED SO FAR_IT IS AS YOU SAY UP TO PRINCESS MARGARET_KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING MAN - - - S Prince Charles This is good five months i started this transaction with her HRH Princess Margaret and someone from know where just came out to blackmail me, i want you all to understand the meaning of blackmailing in God sight is like killing a new born baby who dose not know anything and Gods vengeance is always there. I dont really know who blackmail me but God knows the person has already kill me while am still alife, turn my joy to sorrow, my happiness to sad, give me sleepless night for what i did not do. I pray God to disgrace whosoever that is behind this because am not guilty and God Knows. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Charles (if I may), I think the time has come for you to be honest with us - I feel this may be difficult for you, but please do your best. Our Intelligence does not lie, Charles. We have detailed reports on your activities over the past five months and it does not make pleasant reading. Princess Margaret is far more forgiving than ourselves over at the Specal Operations Department. She may forgive your transgressions and decide to keep modalities moving. We'll be watching you, however. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Over my dead body will i agree on what i did not do. I strongly believe that we all are christians and the bible says as you do unto men so shall men do onto you. Is a promise whosoever, that is behind this blackmail soonest will see God vengeance in his life and all his generation because i have crriend unto God for vengeance with broken heart. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your e-mail. Frankly, old thing, this voodoo nonsense helps nobody. If you at least admit to your part in this conspiracy - you can speak freely to me - I am sure that Princess Margaret, being a good-natured and generous member of the Royal Household, will authorise another payment. Prince Charles Subject: PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AM DIEING ALREADY. My Princess, Am really sorry for the way i sounded in my first mail this mornning, am like a frustrated man without hope, i mean a hungry man without hope wondering why all this temptaion is coming my way when i have arrange my tracks planning to enter studio to work on my album as soon as i receieve the money. Infact, am dieing inside since monday all through the nights is sleepless night for me asking God why now. My Princess please believe me am innocent of all this accusation how can i plan such a thing when you have already promise to sponsor my album i cant do anything stupid to ruin this chance. Please My Princess am really sorry the way i sounded to you this mornning is out of frustration please forgive me, you are my only hope where do i go if you turn away from me please forgive me and have mercy on me am already dieing down deep inside of me, i dont have money to pay off my debts on friday, at the same time am not in good terms with you, i dont still have money to travel to village so that i wont be arrested on friday, to feed is even big problem for me and i really need to go checkup because is like am having heart failure please have mercy on me. My Princess please i really need some money no matter how small i cant even take care of myself i feel rejected and dejected by my friends they all call me fool if you now turn away from me cant you see that am finished, please have mercy on me. Please am begging you in the name of our lord jesus christ use this contact to send me some money through Western Union Money Transfer please befor i die of heart attack : NAME : PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO BANK NAME : FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA BRANCH : ENUGU MAIN ADDRESS : 21 OKPARA AVENUE ENUGU NIGERIA. My Princess please look up to God and not me and help me am afraid anything can happen to me if you desided to turn away from me, i might even die please. Forgive me and have mercy on me please. Prince Charles Dear Joe Kucker, I really miss you Mr Joe, you see i dont really know you too well but my spirit really work with yours than Mr Stronganov who just hate me for nothing. I thank God for your understanding you need to see me am already dead because of the accusation of what i dont even know. You have really console me, i pray God to bless you abundantly and your househood in Jesus name i pray Amen. Thanks and remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Joseph Kucker Dear Prince Charles, I am deeply moved my your e-mail. I give you my solemn word of honour that I will contact Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret immediately and beg her to give you everything that you so richly deserve. Mikhail Stroganov FOR GODS SAKE JOE_PRINCE CHARLES' PATHETIC WHINING AND TRYING TO PLAY ONE OF US OFF AGAINST THE OTHER IS GETTING EXTREMELY ANNOYING_HE IS A SUBVERSIVE ELEMENT AND IN OUR OPINION A RISK TO THE SECURITY OF THE REALM_WE WILL OF COURSE WORK WITH WHATEVER HER HIGHNESS DECIDES BUT IF IT WAS UP TO ME I'D GIVE HIM 20 YEARS IN A SIBERIAN CUSTARD MINE_SEE YOU AT VLADIMIR'S Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to this organisation. I wish to writ you all to ask what have i done to deserve all this punishement what was my crime for dedicating your Princess a song without reward at the same time loos my grandpa who is my only hope because of this same song. My grandpa came to Enugu on friday last week when he heared that i was detain in police station because of the people i borrowed money from to dedicate this same song that has finished me to your Princess Margaret, he bailed me and even to my gretest surprise he pay off my debts befor he leave based on the story on his way back to the village he has an accident and instruct people around him not to let me know. Knowing not he has internal bleeding he give up today. What have i really done to myself, is this world cell or hell, someone's good work has turn against him could you all tell me where i have gone rong. How i wish i recieve this money that very friday my grandpa wouldn't have die now. Princess Margaret i regret knowing you and your organisation, you have ruin me, kill my only hope at the same time you accuse an ophan who honoured you just to do away with his song. Known of you shall go free unless there's no God in heaven oh my God grandpa please forgive me. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your e-mail. Our Intelligence does not lie, old boy. I am sorry that you feel guilty about your actions but to use the vernacular, if you can't do the time, one mustn't do the crime. All is not lost, however. We've had a bit of a think about things and I am prepared to put your actions down to colonial naivety and being led astray by two ruffians. You will be pleased to hear that I am recommending to Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret that we should continue modalities. The rest is up to her. So chin up, bowl down, and let us get things moving, sir. Prince Charles Subject: God has set me free Your Highness, I can see you still dont believe me, is all cool by me, is not the end of the road for me. Well, i writ to let you know that i dont really know how my grandpa get to know that i was arrested this mornning by the police he have to come down all the way from village to bail me because of the money i borrowed to dedicate you song, but to my greatest surprise you dont cares to understand. Well to my immediate surprise my grandpa has pay off all my debts at least am a free man for now. Your Highness, the last thing i will do is to accept what i did not do. I only pray God to make you understand that am innocent of the accusation and i dont need Jesus Christ to come down from heaven to tell me that is not Mr Strongnov that is behind all this blackmail, just take time and go althrough the mails he do sent me. However, am really sorry for the way i sounded to you all this while, is just because of the debts but i thank God that grandpa has set me free so kindly send me the 1000 golden dorks it will enable me work on my ful album and please i beg you in the name of God ask Mr Joe to send the money through Western Union Money Transfer to avoid stories please, to enable me start my work in the studio i have not real writ Mr Freze but i will do that on monday. Thanks and remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. I'm afraid international modalities must be conducted without any sentiment. We simply do not have time. You should be feeling rather fortunate, to say the least, if I may say. I understand Colonel Wharton has been in touch. Remember, however, we have our eye on you. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Kindly go through this mail is what lead to grandpa's death and what you sit down there to tell me is international modalities must be conducted without sentiment. Good, now could you please tell me what you and your so called organisation can pay me that will bring grandpa back to life. At same time you still have the God's to tell me that you and Colonel Wharton have eye on me after using trick to collect my song, what kind of eye do you have on me, i hate you and please never you writ me. (attaches Princess Margaret's e-mail about the jumble sale at Balmoral, see above) Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Prince Charles, What is this nonsense, young man? People do not come back after they die. I'm terribly sorry, but there it is. You probably believe in Father Christmas as well. You either want the Golden Dorks or you don't. To quote Agent Stroganov, either shape up or ship out. Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Daddy Freze Yo Yo, HRH Margaret has asked me to check out your track, which I done, and sure its all cool. So yeah, bro, I'd like to be your main man in this business, know what I mean?. Its no sweat, as looks like we both dig the same scene in music. You got yourself any other tracks I can get down and close with right off now man, as I'd sure like a listen, you cool with that and dig what I'm saying? Anyways, you be sure and send on what you have, Mr C, and I will get matters in order this end. Looking forward to some pure hip hop pleasure from your end bro DADDY FREZE Freze Yo Creative President Ladz Records 419 Smegaroon Boulevard Wankershire England 1TI TUR Prince Charles To: Daddy_Freze YO Subject: please reply Dear freze, Am really sorry that all this while i was unable to get back to you sooner is because of some circumstance which is beyond my control but i have really leave everything to God. Meanwhile, the person i thought that would help me financially to work on my ful album has turn away from me just because of blackmail. Therefore, I have no choice than to sell some of my unusual lyrics of song that are destined for Grammy award to see if i can make money to work on my ful album and send it to you to market over there and the proceed therefrom will be shared to wit : 60|40 i think is a deal what do you think. Prince Charles Subject: Please reply My Princess, With due respect to your organisation. I want to ask you for a favour, please kindly listen to my song once again and tell me where i have rong you to deserve all this pains, shame, blackmail and sleepless night. Please in anyway i have rong you knowing or unknowingly, concious or unconciously have mercy and forgive me you're like mother sister i mean everything to me. All i expect from you is to instruct me because your wish is my command and not ignoring me do you want me to die befor my time last week i was told in the hospital that my blood preasure is high just because of this blackmail. However, if the problem is the missing dork i have accept to pay as soon as my album is on sell or collect it from Mr Freze Yo from the song i dedicate to you titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " which you have already ask him to market it. Please i really want my album to be on sell over there at least by first week of November. My album will bring you honour worldwide and i will be blessed through you, how i wish you could see to believe. Please i really need to hear from you. Prince Charles Subject: soonest we will know the truth My Princess, Am really sorry to do this is never my wish but i have to, because i dont no my crime for dedicating you song, since you deside to ignor someone that honour you then i have no choice than to take unexpected steeps My Lawyer will contact you soonest after some investigation. I have given him my passworld for him to go through all my inbox and all my sent messages. Please stop Mr Freze Yo from marketing the single sound track for now untill we reach agreement because right now am only intrested in selling my song or you peacefully withdraw from any transaction so far made. No more begging My Princess right now my eyes are open i was working with you blindly that is the reason while you and your organisation wants to use me like football. My lawyer will soon contact London Embassy here in Nigeria to know if you are the real Princess Margaret because he doubt the whole thing, i have given him your picture i mean everything about you. The game is over My Princess and i have desided to sell my song to you or rededicate my song to someone else. Prince Charles Subject: try to understand Honestly, i didt ment to hurt you because naturally i just love you. Tushie Meshuganah Dear Prince Charles, My dear friend Fanny who works as one of Lady Agatha Bristol's assistants has secretly passed to me a copy of your letter to Lady Agatha Bristol. I was so saddened to hear that your grandpa had passed away - I seem to recall that your grandma died only some two months ago. I understand from Fanny that all your problems have stemmed from the fact that police files in Enugu [as you have probably realised, Lady Agatha's Investigations department work very closely with law enforcement agenices] show there is a criminal named Charles Nwamgo who is suspected of carrying out armed robberies in the Enugu area. Unfortunately your name bears some similarity and that is why Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret was advised not to send you any cash. However, once this misunderstanding has been cleared up I see no reason why the thousand golden dorks should not be sent to you. So do not despair because I am sure that in the end you will receive everything that you so richly deserve. In the meantime, if you need urgent financial help, the Holy Bagel Community will loan you a hundred golden dorks which can be sent immediately - on the understanding that this will be repaid when Princess Margaret's money finally arrives. And I am sending your details to Colonel Harry Wharton, the Bursar of the Council of Underdeveloped Nations Trustee Scholarships who may offer you the chance to develop your musical talents outside Nigeria. Remain blessed, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH The Holy Bagel Community Please feel free to visit our website www.freewebs.com/tushiem/ Prince Charles Subject: MAY ALMIGHTY GOD BLESS YOU JUST FOR ME Dear Tushie Mashuganah, I dont really know where to start thanking you, you're like a mother, sister i mean the whole world to me may almighty God bless you for me. I also thank you who make it possible for Mr Henry to grant me a music scholarship to study in England for three years. Honestly am really intrested and this offer came at the right time when it seems all hope has gone, once again am really greatful. I must be plain to you, i would have travel to village since this mornning to know if what i hear is true at the same time to know the multuary they put grandpa but you cant believe i dont have transportaion fee to travel. Please kindly send me the 100 golden dorks to enable me travel tommorrow and to be paid back immediately HRH grant me the 1000 golden dorks please. Once again i want you to understand that i own you alot, you are my second mother and please i really need your help so that they will grant me the scholarship to study in England for three years. Thanks and remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles Tushie Meshuganah Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your kind e-mail. I am out of the office from tomorrow until November 13th as I am flying to Zambia to visit my parents and then to West Africa to see my brother who is the Zambian Ambassador to the Ivory Coast. I might be able to fly to Enugu and meet you personally as the Nigerian government have invited me to speak at an educational conference in Lagos. I will contact you as soon as I know whether this may be possible. Your one hundred dorks will be sent on Wednesday 25th October by our new bankers, Kreplach Brothers Merchant Bank International PLC. Our contact there is the President Sir Charles Farnes-Barnes VC who may be contacted by e-mail at xxxxxx-xxxx@xxxxx.xxx Remain blessed, Miss TUSHIE MESHUGANAH The Holy Bagel Community Prince Charles Subject: Good mornning Sir Charles. Dear Sir Charles, With due respect to your organisation. Regarding to the above message concernning the one hundred golden dorks that will be sent to me through you. I wish to give you the neccessary details you might need for the transfer through Western Union Money Transfer befor i travel because my coming back will be on 24th october being next week. I hereby attach the neccessary information for the transfer through Western Union Money Transfer : NAME : PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO BANK NAME : FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA BRANCH : ENUGU MAIN ADDRESS : 21 OKPARA AVENUE ENUGU NIGERIA. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Sir Charles Farnes-Barnes 23 October 2006 Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your e-mail the contents of which are well noted and understood. I regret to inform you that we have had to shut down our computer operations that deal with Overseas Transactions. This has been made necessary because criminal hackers have been attempting to break down our security system. As substantial amounts of money are held in our vaults it is imperative that all measures are taken to protect our clients's cash. Nevertheless our security director Mr Sam Spade assures me that we will be able to re-open our overseas operation by midweek and that your dorks will be with you by noon on Friday October 27th. Yours truly, Sir Charles Farnes-Barnes VC Kreplach Brothers Merchant Bank International PLC Mikhail Stroganov TUSHIE AND JOE THIS IS ALL VERY WELL BUT WE NEED TO WAIT FOR HRH'S FINAL SAY-SO BEFORE WE PART WITH ANOTHER CENT TO PRINCE CHARLES ASSUMING YOU HAVE READ LADY AGATHA'S INTELLIGENCE REPORT_ENJOY SMEGAROON_PLEASE DO SEND MY BEST TO OLGA AND IRINA AT VLADIMIR'S_REMEMBER TO ASK FOR ONE OF BARRISTER COULIBALY'S DEAD BANK CUSTOMERS AT THE BAR_KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING - S Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol , I got your mail and am really sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I made a trip to the village and am back home and wanted to take time to let you know that money is not everything, we really need to learn how to care for one another expercially in time of sorrow, pains, grif and weary. However, is all over am really sorry for the way i sounded to you grandpa is dead and i have to move on. You can now carry on with your international modalities. Thanks and remain bless. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Charles (if I may) Thank you for your e-mail. This is the type of attitude we wish to see. Well done, young man. I am certain now that we should soon be able to give you exactly what you fully deserve. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thanks for your mail, i really appreciate hearing from you. Actually am not in town all this while is why you have not hear from me, we are planning how to burry grandpa by next week friday. As Mr Stronganov use to say keep the custered boiling hope the custered is boiling on mybehalf. So how is life over there, hope is cool ? i really wish to join you people. Have a wonderful week end. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your good wishes. I am pleased to say that Samuel Spade, deputy Security Director at the Chavster Bank, will be in touch soon. As for things being cool, in actual fact it is unseasonably mild, given that we shall be in November shortly. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thanks for your kind mail, i really appreciate hearing good news from you at least i have hope now. Please this is between us i really want you to do me a favour by apologising on my behalf to HRH Princess Margaret all this while i have been apologising to her to please forgive me and forget the past but to my immediate surprise no responds from her, honestly speaking am so worried for not hearing from her, i get to know you all through her, why is she not writing me. Please apologise on behalf am very sorry. Am so much happy for your mail, i pray God to bless you for me. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Sam Spade Dear Prince Charles, This e-mail may come as a surprise, but please do not be alarmed. I found your name on the internet. I am SAM SPADE, and I am DEPUTY DIRECTOR of the CHAVSTER AND NEWMAN BANK. During my routine work, I came across a file named Prince Charles - DORK. Mr. JOE KUCKER has given me authorisation to pay you 100 Golden Dorks. Is this correct? Please reply to my email samuelspade@xxxxxx ok. Many thanks. SAM SPADE Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your e-mail. Very well, young man. Let us see what can be done. Certainly, I feel that you have made up for your past behaviour and deserve everything that's coming. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, HRH Princess Margaret and Mr Joe Kucker. With due respect to your organisation. I wish to let you know that Mr Sam Spade has contacted me for the 100 golden dorks but he has not send it to me. However, am really greatful for the money. May almighty God reward this organisation abundantly in Jesus name i pray, Amen. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. We are aware that Mr Spade has contacted you. I feel that he will give you the seeing-to that you need. There may be one or two security modalities to attend to, but I am sure that these will be dealt with easily enough. Remain blessed. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I writ to let this organisation know that is now i need their help most. The 100 dorks is not a big money that should go for long process befor sending it for christ sake. I only have from now to wenesday next week to leave the town for the burrial of my grandpa. At least i really need to dedicate him momorial song or contribute for the burrial 4 christ sake he died because of my problem and which this organisation know, why the delay. Honestly you people are not immpressing me at all, what if i now come over. All am saying is 100 dorks is a small money to this organisation and you people should be plain at least 4 once. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. It is a real pleasure to hear for you. Your attitude is rather confusing, if I may say. One moment you seem more than happy with these modalities, and the next you are throwing some sort of bizarre tantrum. Have you been drinking? The point, young man, is this: Mr Spade has to receive final approval from Princess Margaret to release the Golden Dorks. However, given your background checks and that as a matter of policy we do not use money transfer services, I think the only real solution to this issue os a face-to-face meeting to finalise this transaction - which has taken far too much of my time already. We can take tea together, which is a far more civilized way of doing things. Meanwhile another apology letter from Charles, clearly uncomfortable at the chill wind of indifference blowing in from HRH: Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: APOLOGY LETTER My Princess with due respect to your organisation. I hereby apologised to you to please kindly forgive me in anyway i have disrespect you and your organisation knowing or unknowingly, concious or unconciously am really sorry grandpa is dead i have to carry on with my own life. Please see the need to forgive and forget the past please. Prince Charles Your Highness, I know how you feel, but at least i have apologised, please kindly accept my apology. I really want to air my album this year so that " MY MISSING RIB " will fetch me Grammy Award by febuary next year is quit unusal in the music fuild and is why is destined for Grammy Award. However, grandpa is dead i have to go on to design my own way. Your wish is my command if you want me to come over there to work on my ful album with all pleasure or you want me to work my album over here befor coming is also a pleasure. But i would have love to use my backups here to work on my ful album befor coming over, but if you insist for me to come over to work on my album over there, i really have to come with someone whose name is IKECHUKWU CHIKWENDU he is the best i have in my music group and i really need him to give me what i want. Your Highness, my brand of music will make you popular the more and it will draw buys attention you need to see to believe. Instead take 60 % of the profit and give me 40 % is cool by me all i need is worldwide to know that their are hiden stars. If not for you i would have been unknown and if not your love for the needy no one could hear my voice, My Princess i have reason for dedicating you song. Grandpa will be burried next week friday after that if you want me to come over is a great pleasure. Once again your wish is my command. Remain bless My Princess. Prince Charles My Princess, Please am really sorry for offending you and i think is time for you to forgive and forget the past My honourable Princess am happy for knowing you so tell me why you wont be happy for at least for honouring you. Am really sorry My honourable Princess for obseting you and i promise not to do it again believe me. I wont let you goooooooo untill you bless meooooooooo, i really look up to come over to see you life and do my vidio clip with you for the song i dedicate to you titled " WE WISH YOU THIS ", My Princess that song is also destined for Grammy Award because it might be the best dedicating song of the year believe me. Well, am just coming back from the village for the burrial arrangement of grandpa which will take place on friday next week. My Princess i know is because you are not happy with me is why you didt even console me or say at least sorry for the death of my grandpa is not fair. My Princess, i want to ask you for a favour i really come back to writ you to please grant me some money for me to at least contribute for the burrial service though Sir Charles promise to send me 100 dorks tommorrow but the truth is the money is to small is why i have to writ you My Princess to please grant me some money. I promise to be good boy to you My Princess. Thanks and remain bless. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles Dear Samuel Spade, With due respect to your organisation. I got your mail and its contents where well understood. However, Mr Joe Kucker is very correct, so can i have the 100 dorks. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Sam Spade Dear, Thanks for your letter ok. I think it's important that we go through all the necessary checks first. From what I understand there have been a few complications, is this correct? Additionally I need to get final confirmation from Princess Margaret ok so bear with me. Remain blessed. Yours sincerely, Sam Spade Security - Chavster Bank Prince Charles Subject: is anything the matter Dear Samuel Spade, I hereby attach the neccessary information for the transfer through Western Union Money Transfer : NAME : PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO BANK NAME : FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA BRANCH : ENUGU MAIN ADDRESS : 21 OKPARA AVENUE ENUGU NIGERIA. As soon as you pay in the money please kindly flash my mobile phone number which is +2348037578607 or just give me a call i have been waiting to hear from you i have to leave but please endeavour to flash me or give a call as soon as you have mail me the password which i will use to collect the money. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Sam Spade Dear . Thanks for your note, top of the day. I hope you are well. I see that you want to use Western Union ok. The problem with this is that the security risks are frankly, too high. As I have been trained by the Special Operations Department of the Foreign Office, we must be discreet. And with respect you *your* organization, I am all too aware of the fast and loose child's play that goes on with other peoples' money in the Third World. I may have to look to Tushie Mashuganah for guidance, though she is holidaying on Smegaroon Island. And Princess Margaret is busy at the Badger racing in Spunkhampton ok. So let's see what they say about this. But I would imagine that we'll have to send Agent Mikhail Stroganov to give you what you deserve in person. Stay patient ok, the Lord is with you. Remain blessed, Sam Spade Security - Chavster Bank Prince Charles Subject: please consider this mail Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I writ to let this organisation know that is now i need their help most. The 100 dorks is not a big money that should go for long process befor sending it for christ sake. I only have from now to wenesday next week to leave the town for the burrial of my grandpa. At least i really need to dedicate him momorial song or contribute for the burrial 4 christ sake he died because of my problem and which this organisation know, why the delay. Honestly you people are not immpressing me at all, what if i now come over. All am saying is 100 dorks is a small money to this organisation and you people should be plain at least 4 once. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles I must admit that I have been reading your various mailings and notes over the last week or so with some mixed feelings. I really feel that my staff and I are doing our level best to ensure that you get what you deserve, despite all the doubts and uncertainties which your behaviour has thrown up. In fact, it seems fair to inform you that Mr Tossov has compared some of the less salubrious elements of your business character very unfavourably to some of those currently on remand in Newgate. It is only the sense of duty that a careful recollection of Our previous ownership of your little land creates within this royal breast that has made Me wish to carry on with this unfortunate business at all. Thinking of this toil and trouble proved quite a distraction when I was chosing My Hallowe'en Ball gown this afternoon at Cack & Chavsters. Now, I understand that we are very close to providing you with the outstanding dorks, once certain last minute assurance and checks are received. You will oblige Me in sending fewer unbecoming and somewhat wheedling notes of apology and whatnot, rather in making more of an effort - at least as far as your breeding and education will allow - to give Us speedy and helpful replies to all necessary enquiries. Since Mr Freze Yo has not been impressed with the take up of Our other kind offer so far, I have spoken to him by phone this afternoon and have asked him to contact you again. Let us hope that you prove a little more grateful that hitherto. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Daddy Freze Yo Yo, my man I've been away in the sunshine Stateside for a while my man, and havent had no time to read this mail until now, you dig? But now, I had a real close look and, hell, whats this 60/40 you laying on me brother? Is this fair? We have to negotiate some, and find a mutually acceptable scene bro, you can see that. I have a studio, a distribution arm, some real hot contacts, all you will ever need my man, so its sweet and cool. My old woman reckons you wont get no better. Also, once thats done you have a contract to sign, and I can send that sucker over any time you want. Anyways, you be sure let me know a better offer for the trax you got, and we can sure talk again Mr C. YO Freze Yo Creative President Ladz Records 419 Smegaroon Boulevard Wankershire England 1TI TUR And as Turkey Day approaches... Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret My Princess, Why are you sounding this way everything about me is really is just that this organisation misunderstood me what Mr Tossov is saying is not true My Princess. I think the best thing to do or say right now for you to believe me is to let you know that your wish is my command and for you to believe me is for this organisation to send for me and IKECHUKWU CHIKWENDU my backup to come over and work on my full album over there and do the video clip with you My Princess am not playing any games with this organisation and will never do that because i have focus, please believe me for once. Why i needed some money is for my grandpa's burrial and to dedicate him a memorial song, if not i shouldn't complain which i think this organisation owns me that right, because am one of you is ever my dream. However, am so sorry for everything i didn't ment to hurt you My Princess just see me as your own son and i take you as a mother all i want is your happiness and mine. Each time remeber your name i remeber my late mum because you people bears the same name Margaret please see the need to forgive me and forget the past. The truth is you wont regret knowing me likewise me am so sorry. I really have to travel to village on wenesday for grandpa's burrial on friday and the truth is i really need some money for the burrial please and after the burrial am really intrested to come over with my backup anytime you wish My Princess. Remain bless My Princess. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles Given the protracted nature of this whole unsatisfactory business, it may well be better to have the two of you over here so that we can issue the charitable funds personally and with less risk in transfer, one does so distrust Westen Union and the like for modalities. There might even be a little more in it for your trouble and you will get a lovely holiday into the bargain. I am sure we can find a couple of rooms spare here at Doss House, or even at the Palace, if you make a promise to leave the cutlery alone. I will consider the implications further as far as staffing requirements are concerned, and if I find it works out, will ask Lord Bovril, our accomodation chappie, to get in touch. He may have some questions about dietary arrangements, hygiene minimums and whatnot, as is the case when receiving colonial guests. Are you and Mr Chickwanku able to travel at short notice? It is best to strike whilst the iron is hot, as it were. Have you heard from Mr Freze-Yo? What is happening there? MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles To: Princess Candy Dear Candice, Please for the love of God kindly go through this mail and down load the music to HRH Princess Margaret for her to listen to the music i dedicated to her, is like she dont really know how to down load it i send this music to her since friday last week. Thanks Candice for asisting me, Princess Candice Windsor hey Prince i jus wanted 2 say that i have ur stuff on my ipod k an its grate!!!!!!!!!!!! my friends like it 2. but sadly i wuld say not much good for clubbin :-( C x Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor 69 Westminster Mansions Broadmooor Doss Parade Kensington London UR1 TIT Sam Spade Dear, How are you doing with your family? I hope fine. Listen, what the hell is going on ok, we have the dorks ready but there is no response, why? This is not child's play mugu we are into serious business yet you don't want the money, what is going on. Please get back as soon as possible or the money will be used for other things ok. Remain bless, Sam Spade Security - Chavster Bank Prince Charles Dear Samuel Spade, Tell me, why are you sounding this way ? are you not the one who ask me to exercise patience, why calling me mugu is it because am faithful and honest to this organisation. Well, since the dorks is ready why dont you send it. Thanks and remain bless Sam Spade Dear . Top of the day. Thank you for your note, the contents well noted. How are you and your family? Hope fine. Listen ok this is serious business ok Her Highness' money is important ok and we have to wait to see what she says. I had not heard anything from you ok and this is why we were concerned ok. But it is good that you have replied, make sure you do it quicker next time ok. Time is money at this bank. It is not child's play. My initial report is good and you should have the money soon ok but we might have to fly down to Lagos to do it in person ok. But this is good as you will get more than you bargain for. Remain Bless. Samuel Spade Security - Chavster Bank HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles Given the protracted nature of this whole unsatisfactory business, it may well be better to have the two of you over here so that we can issue the charitable funds personally and with less risk in transfer, one does so distrust Westen Union and the like for modalities. There might even be a little more in it for your trouble and you will get a lovely holiday into the bargain. I am sure we can find a couple of rooms spare here at Doss House, or even at the Palace, if you make a promise to leave the cutlery alone. I will consider the implications further as far as staffing requirements are concerned, and if I find it works out, will ask Lord Bovril, our accomodation chappie, to get in touch. He may have some questions about dietary arrangements, hygiene minimums and whatnot, as is the case when receiving colonial guests. Are you and Mr Chickwanku able to travel at short notice? It is best to strike whilst the iron is hot, as it were. Have you heard from Mr Freze-Yo? What is happening there? MARGARET Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: you turn my tears to joy My Princess, Am really greatful for this kind offer, i think the day i have been praying for has come, i and Mr Ikechukwu Chikwendu are 100% available any moment from next week. What a great opportunity, infact too night i wont go to bed all i will do is to praise God till day break infact you dont know how i feel, how i wish you could see the warm smiles on my face as am writing you, i mean all over my body, to day is the sweetest day of my life that i wont forget. My Princess how do i reward you for this offer God will bless you in the mornning, afternoon and night, you shall not die befor your time and whosoever that will raise against you will die instantly in Jesus name i pray, Amen. My Princess, i really have to start the neccessary arrangement for this trip is just that everything still lie on money. I really need to go for the International Passport of the both of us immediatly so that it will be ready for the trip. Please My Princess am no longer intrested in dedicating any song to grandpa all i need now is to get the International Passport for the both of us kindly send me some money through DHL since Western Union Seems not to work out please. Please use this address it will get to me: PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA WEST AFRICA It will get to me in three days time through DHL please My Princess. May almighty God self guide you for me in Jesus name i pray amen. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: remain bless My Princess, Am the most happiest one since yesterday i recieve your mail, i just want to thank you once again for the opportunity to come over and to let you know that Mr Freze Yo has contact me, i made it clear to him that very soon i will come over to work on my ful album as soon as you wish. My Princess, am so much happy for knowing you. You have change my world am really strong enough in spirit because i have hope. Thanks and remain bless My honourable Princess. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: i really lookup to hear from you concernning our project My Princess, I really expect to hear from you by now, at least to know if you send me some money through DHL postage or postal order to enable me contribute for the burrial stuff and to start making arrangement for the International Passport. Well, i will be on my way to the village tommorrow for the burrial on friday been 3rd of this month. I will be right back to Enugu immediatly after the burrial to face our project. However, i still look up to hear from you. Thanks and remain bless My Princess. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: CAN WE PROCEED My Princess, With due respect i wish to let you know that am back from my grandpa's burrial and wanted to take time to let you know that am ready to come over when ever you wish, can we start all the neccessary arrangement by next week. My Princess i really need to air my album this november please to see if i can win at least one Grammy Award. Thanks in anticipating and i reallly look forth to hear from you to know my faith. Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: please reply My Princess My Princess, Why the delay again, please i really want to air my album this year. If you dont want me to come over then i can do my album here and send it acrose to you to negotiate with marketers over there. Honestly, i dont know my faith concernning this project. However, i still stick on your word, the early the better. Please My Princess let us be fast you will make more money through me, how i wish you can see other part of my songs. I really look forward to hear from you. Remain bless, HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles It seems each time I have to travel away on affairs of state I return to discover a multitude of messages from you, all complaing about one thing or another. Naturally We are sorry about the demise of your grandparent. But one imagines that in such a society as yours sometimes such an event might prove almost a blessed relief, as it makes more room for the little ones in the long house, where you all sleep at night as I understand it. However these matters aside, it does seem as things might be moving along a little more slowly and I will chivvy up my people this end. When exactly did you plan your visit to the UK? These details were absent from your recent messages which is rather disconcerting as I have put some wheels in motion already with a planned redecoration of the Daktari Suite and what not in the east wing. I will appreciate more details at once, as no doubt will Lord Bovril, who will need to stir himself and take stock of the situation's requirements. Mr Freze Yo has told me that you seem ungrateful in respect of his professional help. Is this correct? Freze, at least as I am reliably informed has several black artistes under his expert wing as it were, and your own limited talents would be made the very best of, I can assure you of that. Kind regards MARGARET Lord Bovril P. Charles I hv grt honr to be Accom. Offcr. to HRH. She say you have plans to visit? Is all vy up in air. I need soonst: itinerary, any spec. nds, etc etc Kindly inform soonest & will action accrdingly. Rgds BOVRIL ROYAL ACCOMODATION OFFICER The Royal Accomodation Bureau (Including: Transients Homes Department) Room 419 Royal Accomodation Services Executive 69 Butlin's Court Merkin Troth, via Dunwich Greater London YU1T WAT Prince Charles To: Candice Windsor Subject: hi where have you been Dear Candice, Where have you been, why do you deside not to writ me ? well by God's grace you will see me over there very soon to work on my album. Actually, the song is not destined for clubbin you know is a dedicated song to someone so special to the world, so you have to sing it cool. Though must of my songs is cool. Dont worry very soon we will see each other over there. Thanks, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Princess Candice Windsor HI Prince! Sos not been wrting bk k but have been v v bizzy at colege :-(( and that, also clubbin. :-) When u cumin ova then? Is that 4 real n not a joke then lol?? Hey can u not do a hip hop vers of ur song it wuld be so kool k? I spk to Mr T who sez u are a big chump but he is alwas rude 2 peple i gess. anehow let me no wen u cummin ova as i will tel my friends an wll be kool 2 do stuf then. CANDY xx Princess Candice Mercedes Windsor Prince Charles To: Daddy_Freze YO Subject: hope you cool Daddy Freze YO, Thanks alot for your mail for now i dont really know what to say HRH Princess Margaret her wish is my command i want to see if she will help me come over there to work on my full album i think that will be more better. Thanks and remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Daddy Freze Yo Charles, HRH she says you have to lay your music scene down with me sometime real soon, as your main man, you dig it? Its a non negotiable thing, we have here. If you is coming over here soon then we have to lay down some ground laws with all this, brother. I can sure help you out with the music but we need some brotherly cooperation, and so far you are chilling me out of the scene with all these bad vibes. Now you have any more songs I can hear? If we have an album to get ready I need some more than I have. YO Freze Yo Creative President Ladz Records 419 Smegaroon Boulevard Wankershire England 1TI TUR Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES IT WOULD APPEAR THAT YOU ARE COMING TO LONDON AFTER ALL_I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE THAT YOU HAVE THE MUSIC READY FOR DADDY FREEZE_YO AND THAT YOU HAVE SUITABLY CLEAN CLOTHES FOR THIS TORTUOUS TRIP_REMEMBER THAT THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT HAS EYES EVERYWHERE_NOT ONLY WILL WE BE WATCHING YOU BUT IF I SENSE ONE MOMENT OF YOUR PREVIOUS DUPLICITY THEN THE CONSEQUENCES WILL BE DIRE I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT_I HOPE THAT THIS IS CLEAR YOUNG MAN Samuel Spade Dear . Top of the day, I hope you are well, hope fine? Agent Stroganov tell me you coming to London ok, make sure you have proper documents ok, so these modalities can be sorted out ok. Remain blessed Sam Spade Security - Chavster Bank Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, I thank God that you will see me life, what you think of me or accuse me is not what i'm. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES JUST MAKE SURE YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF AND ALL WILL BE WELL Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Your Royal Highness Princess Margaret, I hope that you are well, ma'am. As Prince Charles will be coming to the UK to collect what's coming to him, may I suggest that this office handles the travel and etiquette modalities? I feel that it is important that Prince Charles is fully aware of what is expected and the way We do things, and whatnot. Yours ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol , With due respect i wish to ask you this question when do i expect my invitation letter to enable me go for our visas. Honestly speaking, i have arrange my songs and all are wonderful and will deffenectly draw the attention of buyers worldwide this is the only way this organisation can help me to eliviate poverty in my life, please tell me why the delay. Am so confused to the extend am afraid to inform my backup about this trip to london even our International Passport is not yet ready because of financial handicap, i have complain to HRH Princess Margaret to at least grant me some money to enable me get the International Passport ready for this trip since wenesday last week till now she have not said anything, you people should help me now. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your e-mail. Unfortunately, Her Royal Highness has been called away to attend the Snail-Baiting Competition over in Smegaroon. However, I am pleased to say that we do wish to receive you here in London so you can finally get the money that seems so important to you. Modalities have taken a little time, I grant you; but they will, I am sure, end satisfactorily for all parties. Before you apply for your visa, consult your village elders, buy your ticket and whatnot, there are one or two minor matters of tradition that we need to address. Firstly: no monkey heads in your luggage. I know that you people like to travel with good luck tokens and the like, but it is simply not done here. Secondly: Please wear Western attire. No tribal outfits, as they will attract attention. If you need a suit, Mr. Tossov can put you in touch with a decent tailor. Thirdly: Once you arrive at Heathrow, we shall send a delegation of Special Operations agents to meet you. Please do not be worried. They carry sidearms, but only as a precaution. You will be driven to our offices on Baker Street for a debrief before we take a short trip to Kensington Doss House to see Her Royal Highness. I am sure there are other things we will need to discuss, but if you have any questions please do let me know. One more thing - what tea do you favour? As ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles I suggest you watch your tung befor you mail me and sick advice from HRH Princess Margaret befor you make decission because you dont know our aggreement. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, What is the meaning of this insolence? How dare you reply in this manner! Listen to us, you vile cretin, and listen well. We are fully aware of all agreements between you, Her Royal Highness and her various staff. One word from my office and we will not only cancel modalities with immediate effect but the consequences for you personally will be particularly unpleasant. Retract your last statement or we walk away. Immediately! Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. After writing you last night was a sleepless night for me all through the night wondering how i will miss this opportunity, i really want to work on my album over there. Is why i have to see my pastor this mornning i have to go on my knee crying for him to help me with the ticket fee which he accept on a condion that i should provid my visa first, is where i still need your help, how do i aply for my visa or get it please. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, If you need a visa, I suggest you go to your local consulate or embassy. Then book your ticket and kindly inform this office when you are arriving. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Why are you making things difficult for me, at least with the help of invitaion letter from this organisation will make my visa very easy. All i need from you is to contact Nigeria embassy on mybehalf and they will make things more easier for me to get my visa please. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. Leaving aside your usual delaying tactics, obfuscation and generally difficult attitude to these modalities, I suggest you simply buy a ticket to London. You are travelling under the auspices of Her Majesty; you do not need visas and whatnot. Please inform this office when you have confirmed the booking. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect, i really appreciate hearing from you. Right now am on my way to see if i can convince my sponsor to buy me london ticket. Meanwhile, i will get back to you as soon as i bought the ticket. May almighty God bless you in Jesus name, amen. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. You mention a sponsor, yet you are demanding money from us? What is the meaning of this? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha bristol, With due respect to your organisation. I got your mail and the truth is why this organisation finds it difficult to believe or trust me at least for once, i mean why ? Are you not the one i told that my pastor promise to pay my ticket fee, if only i will provide my invitation letter from this organisation for him to see. I mean for christ sake is he not a sponsor, so why are you sounding surprise simply because i mentioned sponsor. Now he refused not to give me the ticket fee untill he see my invitation letter, my next step now is to travel to Abuja my Federal Capital to see if i can borrow the ticket fee from a good friend of mine tomorrow been friday. I have really suffered, hoping that this organisation will help me out asin understanding my talent. Even HRH who no me better no longer writ me and she no that i cant afford the ticket fee. Lady Agata i strongly believe that this organisation dont trust me, but why ? Well, my only hope right now is to travel to Abuja and see if that my friend will help me with the ticket fee. I still dont no why this organisation desided to treat me this way, instead of me to settle down and rehase my songs, i see myself running up and down to see who will assist me with the ticket fee. By God's grace i will be at Abuja tomorrow to see if my friend will help me with the ticket fee. I will contact you as soon as am through. Thanks and remain bless. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. A sponsor here in the Civilized World means someone paying for things. If you can't speak the Queen's English, old thing, kindly forward our messages to someone who can - your village elders, or your local witch doctor. Anyway, to business. Good luck on your trip to Abuja. We are very much looking forward to meeting you. We still need to know which tea you favour. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I got your mail and its contents where well understood, is just that i didnt tell you that i dont know the meaning of sponsor. However, i and my friend David whom i went to see at Abuja for the ticket fee, we are just coming out from the British Airways to confirm how much is the ticket fee to london and they said the least is one hundred and twelf thousand naira (# 112000) to God be the glory ,am really happy right now because he accept to borrow me the money on tuesday, so if i suceeded i will book thursday or friday flight which i will let you know immediatly i make my booking. Infact, any tea is cool by me because am the most happiest one. I wish you happy weekend. Remain Bless Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. Your email delighted us. We are delighted that you have secured finance for your air ticket. Do send us the details once you've booked it, old thing, and we can get these modalities moving. I shall, with your permission, ensure we have the Darjeeling ready. With kind regards Yours ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thank you for your mail. My friend will give me the ticket fee tommorrow, so when do i book, do i book friday this week or monday next week i dont want to have any problem with the British Airways that's why i need to know from you, because they said if i did not make the trip on the day i booked that i have to pay another one hundred dolla ( $ 100 ) and the truth is my friend would not be happy with me if i should make such mistake is why i need to know from you please. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Tushie Meshuganah Dear Prince Charles, I was delighted to hear that you will be travelling to England. Would you like to stay at one of our houses rent-free whilst you are in London? We have a fully-furnished two bedroom flat available until early January. If you care to take up this offer you may tell the British immigration officials that your English address is 69 Goldhill Mansions, Stanley Street, London W1X 1FU telephone: 020 7930 4832 Your calls in England will not be charged but I am afraid that you would have to pay for any telephone calls to Nigeria. Remain blessed, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH The Holy Bagel Community Mikhail Stroganov TUSHIE I SHOULD HIDE THE SILVER IF I WERE YOU Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. I suggest you just book the ticket, young man, and we shall meet you at Goldhill Mansions, as per Tushie Meshuganah's earlier e-mail. Please send us proof of the booking. We look forward to meeting you soon. With kind regards. Yours sincerely Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London AND ON THE FAR SIDE OF TURKEY DAY, THE INTRIGUE CONTINUES! [Previously, on Prince Charles the wannabe music sensation, the Prince had decided to come to Britain to meet Her Majesty and lay down tracks with Daddy Freze Yo. But there are snags.] Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. Am really sorry that i was unable to get back to you since tuesday i wrot you last. I went to Nigerian Immigration for my International Passport hope it will be easy for me to get but to my immediate surprise they demand for my State of Origin and my Birth Ceretificate, i have to enter night bux that same day to my home town Imo State to pick up my state of Origin and Birth Certificate, i came very late yesterday been wenesday, is why i was unable to writ you. Am just coming out from the British Airways i have booked to take off from Abuja on staurday morning this week which is 25th, November. I hereby attach the Ticket Receipt as you demanded, though the scanning is not all that bright, in case you are not satisfy with the view please kindly send me fax number to enable me send it to you immediatly to enable you carry out the remaining modalities. I booked for saturday morning, our flight will take off here in Abuja by 10 AM. My International Passport is ready the next thing now is my visa and you said i dont need visas that am coming under the auspices of Her Majesty how dose that work please i need to know so that i will no my next steep because i only have from now till friday been tomorrow to go to British embassy for them to stamp my International Passport. I really look forth to hear from you. Remain Bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. This attachment is blank! Are you having a joke at our expense? This is not child's play. Please re-send a scan of your ticket. [Prince Charles also gets back to Tushie Meshuganah:] Prince Charles Dear Tushie mashuganah, I really appreciate hearing from you, thank you for the offer is just that HRH has already offer me where to stay when i arrived to London. However, am really greatful for your concern. Hope all is well with you. Remain Bless. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Tushie, I trust you are well. Have you ensured that all valuables are locked away? You know what these native types can be like - some of them have never even sat on chairs before. We can't have a repeat of the Bowden Affair, old thing. As ever, A cc: Prince Charles Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thank you for your mail it's contents where well understood. I forget to let you know the name i used in booking my ticket. I used NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES as it was in my State of Origin and Birth Ceretificate as i was directed by Nigerian Immigration. Remain Bless. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. Please read my other email transmission. The attachment in your first email was blank. Please attend to this as a matter of urgency. Prince Charles For christ sake i have book to come down tommorrow, send me fax number right now let me send it across to you please. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Do try to calm down, old boy. We are happy with your ticket receipt. Do have a safe flight. God help you. Yours ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Why the daubt again, for christ sake do you people want to give me heart attact or what. I said i have book the ticket is just that the characters on the ticket is very light and the scanning wont be bright is why i demanded for fax number to send it across to you. My flight is taken off by 10 AM tommorrow morning, is not a joke for christ sake, kindly contact the British Airways Abuja, i hereby attach their contact and phone number BRITISH AIRWAYS ABUJA NICON HILTON HOTEL ABUJA IATA : 594 91622 TELEPHONE : 09 413 9608 Please contact them immediatly, do you want to kill me, i mean do you no the condition given to me befor i was given the ticket fee. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, We have the receipt. I should watch my manners if I were you. This is not some UN aid drop. That you could not attach the ticket booking correctly is hardly our fault. However, we are pleased that, at last, things are in motion. We look forward to meeting you. Prince Charles Dear Lardy Agatha Bristol, I hereby rescan it agin for you to see to believe me. Please is half day here in Nigerian, meanwhile, i need your immediate respond to enable me go to embassy for them to stamp my international passport to enable me travel tommorrow been saturday by 10 AM. Meanwhile, our flight will take off here in Abuja. Thanks in anticipating, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, This is in order, as per my previous email. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, i have really take my time to type this ticket for you to see to believe. please kindly go through it, please believe me i dont have another $100 to give to British Airways to shift my booking. Please kindly contact the British embassy so that they will stamp my International Passport to enable me travel tommorrow been saturday by 10 AM please am begging you in the name of our mighty God. ELECTRONIC TICKET PASSENGER ITINERARY RECEIPT DATE : 23 NOVEMBER AGENT : 0243 NAME : NWAIMO/ IFEANYI CHARLES BRITISH AIRWAYS ABUJA NICON HILTON HOTEL ABUJA IATA : 594 91622 TELEPHONE : O9 413 9608 ISSUING AIRLINE : BRITISH AIRWAYS TICKET NUMBER : ETKT 125 2435999444 FROM / TO FLIGHT CL DATE DEP FARE BASIS NVB NVA BAG ST ABUJA BA 0083 V 25NOV 1010 VLRCAFR 2PC OK LONDON LHR TERMINAL : 4 ABUJA AT CHECK-IN PLEASE SHOW A PICTURE IDENTIFICATION AND THE DOCUMENT YOU GAVE FOR REFERENCE AT RESERVATION TIME ENDORSEMENTS : CONDITION APPLY NON ENDORSEABLE - BA ONLY BSR129.50 MIN3-MAX1YR DTE CHNG USD100 NOSHO USD100 BASE FARE NGN77570.50 PAYMENT : CHEQUE FARE CALCULATION : ABV BA LON 299.50BA ABV299.50NUC599.00END ROE1.000000XT29.95NG37.93GB24.65UB AIR FARE : USD 599.00 TAXES/FEES/CHARGES : 130.00YQ 35.00QT 92.53XT TOTAL : USD 856.53 NOTICE CARRIAGE AND OTHER SERVICES PROVIDED BY THE CARRIER ARE SUBJECT TO CONDITION OF CONTRACT WHICH ARE HEREBY INCORPORATED BY REFERENCE. THESE CONDITIONS MAY BE OBTAINED FROM THE ISSUING CARRIER. THE ITINERARY/RECEIPT CONSTITUTES THE PASSENGER TICKET FOR THE PURPOSES OF ARTICLE 3 OF THE WARSAW CONVENTION ... [Yes he really types all that.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, We have already agreed that your ticket is absolutely fine. Now PLEASE, calm down and relax. I know how you tribal chappies get your knickers in a twist and whatnot, but it is rather unbecoming for someone of royal stock. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol , With due respect, for Christ sake are you not the one who ask me to book and inform you that i have booked so what's the problem again, you people should attend to me now, ignoring me is not the best . The flight i booked will take off by 10 AM tommorrow morning been saturday which is 25th, November and to my greatest surprise you people are not saying anything. Please you people should talk to me now befor is too late to enable me go to British Airways to no the nest thing to do please am begging you in the name of God, because am not the owner of the money you no that. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Am begging you in the name of our lord Jesus Christ, please in anyway i have offend you knowing or unknowingly, concious or uncociously please forgive me. Am just coming from the British Airways, i have rebook my ticket to be on thursday next week which is on 30th of this November. Please this is the only way this organisation can help me to work on my album over there and is the only way i can help myself please. At least you have a naugh time to make your inquary and please the truth is i cant leave the country without visa you no that is why i still need your help at least with invitaion letter i will boldly work down to British Embassy for my visa but if i should go without any invitaion letter they will demand for money which i dont have, i beg you in the name of God please help me. Once again i still ask for forgiveness if there is anyway i have offend you. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Prince Charles, What is this? Have you re-booked? We were expecting you tomorrow? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. I got your mails and it's contents are well understood. There's no how i will travel out of the country without visa and for me to get my visa is with the help of invitaion letter which i need from you to enable me go for my visa here in Abuja British Embassy. I really look up to recieve my invitaion letter to enable me go for my visa. However, i can still make another booking of your own choice but my problem right now is to get my visa because without it i cant leave the country, is where the major problems lies. I really need to hear from you to know the next step to take. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. Why do you persist about this silly letter? Must you have it? It seems rather troublesome. Prince Charles To: Agatha Bristol, Princess Margaret, Tushie Meshuganah Subject: VERY URGENT Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Why are you sounding this way. ok am just coming from the British Embassy they still ask for my invitation letter. However, i went their with some of your mails sent to me and some of the once sent to me by HRH Princess Margaret probabbly they may contact you very soon for verification. Meanwhile, i suggest you contact the British Embassy here in Abuja because after feeling my visa application today they ask me to come back by 7th of December for approval. Infact, am so confuse because my ticket only have from now till december 4th to expire, i really need your help that is the reason am writing you this mail. Therefore, am not sure of coming over on thursday this week, unless you people do something fast over there to enable them grant my visa, remeber you said i dont need visas that am coming under the auspices of Her Marjesty. Remain Bless. Tushie Meshuganah Dear Prince, I suggest you telephone HRH Princess Margaret immediately. I have her personal number which is - unless she has changed it for security reasons - [0]207 930 4832. Remain blessed, TUSHIE Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES WHINING TO TUSHIE MESHUGANAH IS NOT GOING TO GET YOU ANYWHERE_IF ONLY YOU DISPLAYED A LITTLE MORE PROFESSIONALISM AND A LITTLE LESS THIRD WORLD IMPATIENCE THEN YOU WOULD GET YOUR LETTER OF INVITATION FORM LADY AGATHA HERSELF YOU NAUSEOUS NATIVE_NOW DO YOU WANT THIS BLASTED NOTE OR NOT??? Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Very well. What do you wish us to say in this letter? I note you have sent us another email, which I shall respond to accordingly. God help you. Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles My Princess, With due respect to your organisation. I really need your immediate help befor is too late. The ticket i book will only last from now to 4th of December and i have applied for the UK visa today with the sum of sixteen thousand Naira, they also ask of my invitaion letter which i dont have with me, i ask of that and Lady Agatha Said i dont need that, i should go and book that am coming under the auspices of Her Marjesty. The Major problem now is that they said i will get my visa from now to 7th December and my ticket will expire on 4th is why am so confused and i wouldnt have book, it was the preasure on me by Lady Agatha go and book young man. I really need your assistance My Princess so that the ticket money will not just go like that by calling the UK Visas to grant my visa application please. Right now they are with my ticket, my passport and birth ceretificate, state of origin. Honestly, am so confuse and i dont know the next thing to do rather than to let you know what am passing through. I hereby attach the Abuja UK visa phone number office as it was given to me, please see what you can do they only have some of the mail sent to me by lady Agatha and one of your own as a result of invitaion, they might contact you : 09 6711678 09 4133616 09 2909166 09 4133615 09 6700915 I hereby attach my passpor and my visa fee deposit slip of sixteen thousand naira. Remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. [At this point someone else seems to enter the picture. Passport Lad? At any rate, Prince Charles has attached this person's e-mail to him, in which the following pics are enclosed. The passport pic has been scam-o-smudged, because it is probably stolen from some unwitting person.] Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2006 10:22:11 -0800 (PST) From: Daniel Enenche <excellentcybercafe@yahoo.com> Subject: Passport &reciept To: princecharlesworld@yahoo.com Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. Whilst we do not appreciate your constant carping and complaining, I am pleased to tell you that I have attached a letter of invitation that will ensure your safe passage here to London. Now as Agent Stroganov would say, pull yourself together man! There is much work to do. Please do send us a fresh booking receipt for the flight from your little country. As ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London [More to come? Will Prince Charles ever get to Britain, that sun-kissed paradise where Princess Candy waits to go clubbin?] [Yes! Another installment of Musical Mugus! The Foreign Office QA Department have caught Prince Charles out in the matter of the apparently unintentional inclusion of the as-yet unknown Daniel Enenche. How will Prince Charles explain this? ] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Prince Charles, A serious problem has arisen. Intel has advised me that a Daniel Enenche has e-mailed you. Not only that, he would appear to have e-mailed you an image of a passport, which is highly suspicious in its own right. Enenche is well-known to this office as he is a suspected primary instigator in the Bowden Affair. Agents Munglers and Stroganov has been monitoring him for two years. You have a lot of explaining to do, Nwaimo. And I suggest you begin now, before things really do become extremely unpleasant. Yours, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. The name Daniel Enenche is a cyber cafe here in Abuja where i went to scan in my passport and my UK visa receipt to show this organisation how far i have gone. The girl that works in the cyber cafe happens to scan it to their own box before sending it to my own box. If he is a suspect to you honestly speaking before God and man i dont know. Is just a business center here in Abuja if their's any information this organisation need's to know about this cyber cafe with all pleasure i will do that. I look up to God in what ever am doing, with honesty and faithfulness. Beside, i reside at Enugu State, i just came to Abuja to travel out which this organisation knows. I look forward to hear from you if you have contacted the British High Commission. Once again, i dont know who is Daniel Enenche and am here to give you all the information you need about this cyber cafe. Remain Bless. Mikhail Stroganov CHARLES LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN WELL YOU SHRINKHEADED CHARLATAN_THIS TRIBAL TRIPE WILL GET YOU NOWHERE_I DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OF THIS AND WOULD BE AMAZED AT SOMEONE TRYING TO PULL A FAST ONE OVER THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT WERE IT NOT THAT YOU WERE SO AMATEURISH IT WOULD MAKE MY CAT LAUGH_I HAVE EVIDENCE OF YOUR COLLUSION WITH ENENCHE AT THAT VERY SAME INTERNET CAFE_CONSIDER YOURSELF VERY LUCKY THAT PRINCESS MARGARET HAS A SOFT SPOT FOR YOU MY FRIEND OR I'D SEE TO IT THAT YOUR KNEECAPS WOULD END UP IN YOUR BACKSIDE AND YOUR HEAD WOULD BE WHERE YOUR SHRIVELLED TESTICLES PRESENTLY ARE_AT LEAST I CAN SIT BACK AND WATCH YOU SQURIM YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE BEFORE WE SET THE DOGS ON YOU - S Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Sorry, i dont no any body by name Daniel Eneche nither to mail me. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Charles: Your reply to Agent Stroganov is totally different to this rather pathetic little note. You are lying to us, and I am not amused. You'd better have a very good explanation indeed for this. Or I will send Agent Stroganov to discuss matters with you in person. You have one final chance, Nwaimo. Use it well. Yours, A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. For Christ sake i said i have nothing to do with Daniel Eneche, why is it that you people find it difficult to believe me. Good, since is your suspect i can help you track him down though i dont know him in person. The name of his cyber cafe is Exellent Cafe opposit Daimon Bank Nyanya Abuja, before God and man i only went there to scan my passport and my UK visa receipt, the mistake was i dont know how to attach it to my box and the girl on duty that very day dont know how to attach it too, that is why she happens to use their own private box which bears the name DANIEL ANECHE to send it to my own box, is all i know about him , please believe me. The most painful part of it, you people are not saying anything about my visa. Yesterday, i know what it takes me to convince Mr David to give me another $ 100 to enable me re-book. Lady Agatha i dont know why you are making things difficult for me, you lead me to go and book without visa that am coming under the auspices of Her Marjesty instead of you working towards it, you're now accusing me asusual, what have i done to you again ? please tell me i will ask for forgiveness. You are awear when i left Enugu to Abuja to meet Mr David who promised to assist me financially which he has been responding positively, do you want him to go and withdraw the ticket fee after all i have pass through, please for God sake kindly apply power with humanity am innocent of this accusation. Once again, i dont know who is Daniel Eneche and i have not seen him in person, niether to have anything in common with him. Please this is the end road for me to possess my position, i wont like to be laugh at, because is what i hate most. Meanwhile, do grant me all the neccessary assistance to enable me come over. If i actually have bad intention i wont have the God's to come over, but clear concence fears no accusation and it will be a great pleasure to see you all in person. Remain bless. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. [If this is true it shows how much a scammer needs a good manager. Prince Charles seems to be a lone, and lowly, wolf. On the other hand, that sound file was pretty good. You did listen to the THE PRINCE CHARLES SOUND, didn't you? Or as much as you could stand before your blood sugar rose?] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, This constant lying is intolerable! You and that other scoundrel are trying to pull some sort of confidence trick. I am starting to wonder if you are one of those dreadful 419 scammers one hears about. I am therefore suggesting that we finish modalities. This is extremely disappointing. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Britol, Why are you sounding this way, am God fearing one right from my childhood till now. I cant do anything that will stain the name of my family because we are well known. Please do find place in your heart to understand and help me out. Actually, some Nigerian's are bad but not all, i know that the reason of all this suspect and accusation is because of the bad eggs in our Nation Nigeria, who has creat bad image through 419, which is now affecting the innocent once. Please i beg you in the name of our lord jesus christ if am to re-scan my passport and my UK visa recepit i will do that with all pleasure and send it to you without doing any mistake. I wish you happy weekend and God to bless you the more in Jesus name i pray, Amen. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. We are still very concerned indeed about this matter, and convened a meeting of the Suspected Crime Unusual Modalities team to see what can be done. It was agreed amongst us that we should fly to Lagos to discuss matters with you in person. However, we still have our doubts. As ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Phil Munglers: Your Royal Holiness This chap is indeed scum. Sub-human scum. I suggest you invite him to Balmoral, put him on the clay pidgeon launcher and use him for target practice. Perhaps you could get your mother to mention him in her annual address to the subjects? Best regards to you all Remain blessed, Agent Munglers Lady Agatha: My dear Agent Munglers, Thank you for your input. As always, it is highly constructive. Whilst one is extremely tempted to take you up on your offer - and goodness knows Agent Stroganov would be delighted to help you - perhaps Prince Charles deserves one more chance. If he does not take it - and his record in these matters is distinguished only by his excuses and bumbling - I should be more than happy for you to carry out this little wheeze. By the way, I have been presented with a £5,000 bar bill from Vladimir's on Smegaroon Island after your recent birthday celebrations. This is a mistake, surely? As ever, A Mikhail Stroganov: PHIL GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU SIR_I HOPE SMEGAROON WAS ENJOYABLE_I HAVE OFTEN SAID THAT CHARLES IS A SHOULDER PAD-WEARING SHYSTER AND NEEDS A DAMNED GOOD HIDING_HOWEVER IT WOULD APPEAR THAT HRH THINKS THAT HE WILL COME THROUGH IN THE END_FRANKLY IT WAS ALL I COULD DO NOT TO SEND IGOR OVER TO CHARLES' RAT-INFESTED MUD-HUT AND SHOW HIM HOW WE HANDLE USELESS ELEMENTS LIKE HIM HERE IN DOWNTOWN MOSCOW_KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING MAN - STROGANOV Phil Munglers: Lady Agatha, Ma'am the bar tab was £5000? It is truly a mistake, I estimated it to be at least double that. I will arrange for Takumi to forward 5000 yen to Vladimir's via Western Union. As ever, Phil Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My Dear Agent Munglers, As it was a special occassion, I'll use the Custard Fund to pay the bill. But please, old chap, do try to be a little more restrained next time. One man's Dead Bank Customer can be another man's Western Union, if you understand what I mean. As ever, A This portion of our story is sponsored by the SMEGAROON TOURIST BOARD SMEGAROON IS CALLING! SMEGAROON VACATION SPOT FOR THE DISCERNING SPY BOOK YOUR GETAWAY NOW! Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect, that will be great i really appreciate hearing from you, but the truth is i have not been in lagos before and i dont know any where in lagos i suggest you fly down to Abuja where the suspect is, so that i can take you down to his cyber cafe at Nyanya to arrest him without any delay please. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, If you live in Enugu State as you say, why are you spending so much time in Lagos? I do not mean to be pedantic but this issue simply must be taken care of before we proceed. The irony is that we have actually secured an extra $10,000 in funding from Dr. Ted Bundy, our Finance Minister. Please try to clear this issue up, Charles. It will soon be time for the Christmas Break and Her Highness will be travelling to Smegaroon for the holidays. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, I am afraid that we have a further problem. We have carried out extensive tests on the passport scan you sent us, and it turns out that not only is it stolen, but that it belongs to none other than Jonathan Mokoena - your co-conspirator in the Bowden Affair! This is very concerning and we are now at a loss as to what to do. I have Agents Stroganov and Munglers, together with Igor, Stroganov's assistant, straining at the leash to commit grevious bodily harm about your person. Give me three good reasons as to why I should not agree to their wishes. [This is a reference to the classic SCAMMISH ARMADA (U.K.) - well worth study for any serious devotee of The Foreign Office chronicles.] Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I know all your plans and the last thing i will do is to give up, because even the bible says it that a man's gift maketh room for him and bring him before great men of the world, unless am at the rong side. Actually i got all your mails and it's contents are well understood. Why dont you tell me who you are and what you want from me than all this bloody lies and accusation, is no longer Daniel Eneche's issue is now passport. The truth is you can only delay destiny but you cant stop it, am highly carried when you talk of music. Do you realize that HRH is taking 60% of the total profit of my music album am only making 40%, so tell me what's your problem or do you think that am coming to UK to beg for food, dear am coming to eat from the fruit of my labour, so stop putting asunder for Christ sake. I beg you in the name of God is a enough for all this intorogation from left and right, lies and accusation. Listen, their's nothing you can say that will make me give up. Am a winner says the lord, can you say know to God Lady Agatha. However, i understand that you are doing your work but the truth is am innocent of all this accusation, i mean is better we work hand to hand and hit the music chat and win our Grammy Award which will fetch us millions of pounds. My Princess, please do remeber to send me my own Christmax stuff in case i was unable to come over this year because am member of this organisation for better for worst. Is not only Lady Agatha, Tushie and Mr Stronganov my enemy will eat fried rice and i wont eat, i need my own share. I love you all. Yours Truly, Prince Charles Nwaimo. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Your ramblings about fried rice and record contracts have confused matters even more. I really do not know what to make of this. Frankly it would seem that you indeed may well not be as involved in The Bowden Affair as we first thought. With this in mind, I am prepared to offer you a final chance to complete these modalities. But with a condition attached. We will require you to complete a Temporary Oath of Allegiance to Her Majesty to finally confirm that we can trust you. Are you prepared to do this? Mikhail Stroganov: LADY AGATHA IF I MAY SAY MA'AM I FIND THIS RATHER SOFT APPROACH TO THIS USELESS IDLE HAND RATHER DISAPPOINTING_HE IS CLEARLY NOT ONE OF US AND REPRESENTS IN MY OPINION A POTENTIAL THREAT TO HER MAJESTY'S GOVERNMENT_HOWEVER AS PER YOUR ORDERS AT OUR MEETING TODAY IN THE CUSTARD ROOMS I WILL CANCEL AGENT MUNGLERS' AND IGOR'S FLIGHTS TO THE THIRD WORLD AND AWAIT FURTHER COMMAND_BUT I WILL KEEP AN EYE ON PRINCE CHARLES AS HE SEEMS LIKE SOME SORT OF VAGRANT VAGABOND TO ME Phil Munglers: As ever I am in complete agreement with Mikhail. I suggest His Almighty One is taken away for his own safety before he causes any more embarrassment to himself or the Foreign Office. His latest insane email serves only to prove that even the most pampered toffs can go senile before their time. Then again, being the son of Prince Phillip it's a wonder it hasn't happened sooner. On this occasion I will let pass the comment about rice, no doubt meant as a slight on my oriental heritage. Good day to you all. Phil Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect am 100% willing to take the Oath of Allegiance, just for this organisation to trust me. Remain Bless. Yours Truly, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. For the first time in a long while, you would appear to have made the correct decision. Here are the instructions for completing a Temporary Oath of Allegiance: Please type out the following text, add your photograph, recite it with your hand on your heart, sign the document, scan it and send it to me: 'On this day.............I, Prince Charles Nwaimo, do by humble merkin and by all fey twiglets cum Cheerioz Kuzdartdz and rendering all other Oaths by Bowden Sum, swear my unswerving and total allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II in all matters pertaining to her Right Royal Business. Pro Vom Poppadom'. We look forward to receiving your Oath. Prince Charles All my life i dream to see you life, just to see your face. Among the stars there are star and a star is always a star, so you cant stop me from what God says i will be. Even if i didn't come through this organisation, all i need to do is to send my songs to production company over there for assessment and demand for their invitaion letter before you know it London here i come. You cant stop me and why the hatred. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Prince Charles, For goodness' sake man, just pull yourself together and fill in the Oath! A [Meanwhile, Tushie Meshuganah, who like all good secretaries is the one who keeps things going and knows where the bodies are buried, steps in.] Tushie Meshuganah My Dear Dr Munglers, Whilst I quite understand any reluctance of your goodself and Special Agent Stroganov to give Prince Charles one final opportunity to show that he is innocent of any wrongdoing, in my opinion Lady Agatha has taken the right decision in allowing him to take the Oath of Allegiance. I am minded to send Prince Charles fifty gold dorks from the funds of The Holy Bagel Community to cover his expenses. However, I will need authority from Joseph Kucker of the Chavster Bank before mailing this cash. Yours sincerely, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH www.freewebs.com/tushiem/ Prince Charles Subject: DO REPLY cc: Tushie and Princess Margaret Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. I want to know the meaning of this Oath of Allegiance before taking a stepping stone into unknown because the whole thing looks suspicious. No one is talking of me coming over, after all i have pass through. Lady Agatha if am to forgive all, i wont forgive you and God will never, never forgive you too, you lead me into booking of ticket, passport, UK visa and lead me into traveling up and down just to get the neccessary ducment for this trip that am coming under the auspices of Her Margesty, knowing not is not through. Do you no how much am to balance Mr David he has spent not less than saven hundred pounds for me am not including feeding, transportaion and money given to me to brows or writ this organisation, for Christ sake where do you expect me to go and get this money. Where have i gone rong, this transaction leads to the death of my grandpa, this organisation is having my music as my final condition, even HRH made it clear to me that Freze Yo has find little treasure in marketing my song, without any royalty given to me. I want to know the meaning of this Oath of Allegiance before doing exactly what you want me to do. Tushie Meshuganah Dear Prince, I have read the copy you sent me of the e-mail you wrote to Lady agatha Bristol. Whilst I understand your anxieties, you have my word that in the end you will receive all that you richly deserve. Remain blessed, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH The Holy Bagel Community www.freewebs.com/tushiem/ Mikhail Stroganov CHARLES YOU ARE LOWER THAN A SNAKE'S SPHINCTER_WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EMAILING TUSHIE ABOUT THIS???_IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS DO NOT TRY PLAYING ONE OF US AGAINST THE OTHER BECAUSE YOU THINK TUSHIE IS A SOFT TOUCH_LET ME TELL YOU THAT FIRSTLY SHE IS A BLACK BELT IN WON HUNG LO AND SHE TAKES NO NONSENSE FROM THE LIKES OF YOU_NOW LISTEN AND LISTEN WELL MY FRIEND_THE OATH OF ALLEGIANCE SHOULD_IF YOU COMPLETE IT CORRECTLY_GREATLY ENHANCE YOUR POSITION WITHIN THE GOOD GRACES OF HRH AND THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_WITHOUT IT I MAY HAVE TO RE-BOOK IGOR'S APPOINTMENT WITH YOU_NOW FOR GODS SAKE GET ON WITH IT - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Indeed so, Agent Stroganov. Prince Charles, *what* is the problem this time? Phil Munglers: What a tragedy that such a bizarre mental-malady should befall the upcoming Emperor of Britain. That his cognitive processes have been shot to pieces in such a sudden and mysterious way is horrendous, and should make us all feel lucky that our marbles haven't rolled down the gutter as well. Your Royal Madness, if you feel there's one more thing you can do for society before your brain packs in permanently, my accomplice Takumi could use some help scraping the grease from the underside of my cars. I will send you an application form, you can get your carer to fill it in for you. Remain blessed Phil Mikhail Stroganov: IF EVERYTHING YOU SAID WASN'T SO TRUE PHIL I WOULD BE LAUGHING INTO MY CUSTARD LIQUEUR I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT - S Lady Agatha: My dear Agents Stroganov and Munglers, Your observations, whilst amusing, are also rather instructive. Prince Charles has shown himself to be rather feeble-minded on occassion and certainly in his choice of friends, I grant you. But this is down, I feel, to native naievetˇ and perhaps the influence of external, useless elements rather than his own maliciousness. Put simply, he is not clever enough to have orchestrated the Bowden Affair. I feel that we should redouble our efforts to arrest Daniel Enenche, Jonathan Mokoena and Jame Peter Ja. Please assign Igor to that task and let us get these modalities with Prince Charles formalized with as much haste possible. We are awaiting his Oath of Allegiance. After that, it should be plain sailing - barring any complications. Mikhail Stroganov: WHATEVER YOU SAY MA'AM_I WILL EQUIP AND BRIEF IGOR FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING_I HAVE OFFERED HIM DOUBLE CUSTARD RATIONS AS AN INCENTIVE SO ALL SHOULD BE WELL_REGARDS FROM DOWNTOWN MOSCOW [The reference to Jame Peter Ja is another blast (or two) from the Foreign Office past, as documented in GREETINGS FROM JA and ORPHANANS OF LONDON, way back in 2002!] Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect, i hereby attach my Oath of Allegiance. [Jumpin' Jame Peter Ja! They dunnit! Another Oath! See FOREIGN OFFICE OATH GALLERY for other examples of their handiwork. The sun never sets on the British Empire!] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. It would seem that, at last, we may just be able to trust you and to complete these modalities. Well done, young man. Even Agent Stroganov was impressed with your Oath - no mean feat, I can assure you of that! And if I may say, Princess Candice thinks you are a fine looking chap. Now we need to discuss the way forward and whatnot. Do send me your suggestions, old boy. [Oh but there's much more to come, scam-o-friends!] Another installment catching up in late December: [The Foreign Office are still suspicious about the mysterious 'Daniel Enenche' :] Mikhail Stroganov LADY AGATHA THIS IS INDEED A SIGNIFICANT PROBLEM_I CANNOT SEE FOR THE LIFE OF ME HOW WE CAN CONTINUE MODALITIES WITH THIS USLESS IDLE HAND_AS YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS OF HIM FROM THE OUTSET_IN FACT IF ENENCHE IS INVOVLED THEN IN MY OPINION WE HAVE NO OPTION BUT TO CONTACT JAME PETER JA TO DISCUSS HOW WE CAN NEUTRALISE BOTH OF THESE PATHETIC PINHEADS FOR GOOD Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Well, i really appreciate hearing from you. But, honestly speaking you nearly give me heart attack, i really thank God for spaering me. However, I went to the British High Commission yesterday to collect my Visa and they said is not ready am somehow confused did they contact you or HRH Princess Margaret for some verification about me coming over to UK, i guess is the reason while my Visa is not yet ready. Please i suggest you try to contact them and ask them why my Visa was not given to me after 10 days of assessment and please do let them know that is HRH Princess Margaret that invites me. All you have to do is to copy the name on my passport and my passport number to enable them assess my file or do you have another plans for me, because your wish is my command. Remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your e-mail. We would appear to be at rather a sticking point, as you cannot seem to come over to London. We do not give out personal information to anyone in the Third World - one can only shudder at the thought of some corrupt, greasy little tinpot official with our private documents and whatnot. I suggest that for now, we continue modalities by e-mail. Do you have any thoughts on this matter? A Prince Charles Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2006 Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect, meaning all the money i spent for UK Visa, booking of ticket and passport is now useless. So What nest ? My main problem right now is how do i pay Mr David all the money he spent on me and probably travel back to Enugu. Tushie Meshuganah 11 December 2006 Dear Prince, This is a sorry state of affairs - would you like the Holy Bagel Community to send you some golden dorks along with some suitable biblical literature ? Remain blessed, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH The Holy Bagel Community www.freewebs.com/tushiem/ Mikhail Stroganov TUSHIE PRINCE CHARLES MAY HAVE SIGNED AN OATH OF ALLEGIANCE BUT BOTH LADY AGATHA AND MYSELF HAVE LINGERING DOUBTS OVER HIS INTEGRITY_YOU MAY FEEL A MATERNAL FONDNESS TOWARDS THIS STRANGE YOUNG MAN BUT PLEASE DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY BEFORE HRH OR THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT HAS AUTHORISED PAYMENT AS IT MAY BE BETTER FOR US TO TRAVEL TO HIS VILLAGE TO COMPLETE MODALITITES THOUGH I HAVE TO SAY I HAVE MY DOUBTS OVER THIS WHOLE FRACTIOUS AFFAIR I CAN TELL YOU THAT - S Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your email. Our understanding that the cost of your visa was a tiny amount. Surely this is nothing for an upstanding member of a royal family such as yourself - and this begs an interesting question. Whilst performing standard background checks on you, our searches revealed a few blank spaces. Which royal family do you belong to? I know all you native chappies have rather convoluted families what with all the corruption, inbreeding and whatnot but I do find it rather strange how a Prince cannot afford a few hundred dollars here and there for trivial expenses such as these. As ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Subject: Remain bless Dear Tushie mashuganah, I really appreciate hearing from you Tushie. What can i say, than to thank you for your kind offer. Remain bless, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Tushie Meshuganah 12 December 2006 Dear Prince Charles, Very well - how much do you need ? Tell me how much you need in either Nigerian currency or US dollars and I will ask Mr Kucker of the Chavster Bank to send an appropriate number of golden dorks to you. With best wishes, TUSHIE Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Tushie, Please, I urge you, DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY TO PRINCE CHARLES. We have not even decided how to complete these modalities, and he remains a security risk. It is very important that we wait just a little longer before authorising any payments. Please pop by my office to discuss. As ever, A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Am sick and tired of all this embarrassment, you have my state of Origin with you, you also have my contact addresses to verify who i am and this organisation knows my true story expecial HRH Princess Margaret. Just for you to contact the UK Visa which i gave you their email address and phone number to know while my visa was not yet out after 10 days of assessment you refused, instead you derive joy in asking stupid questions and accusation. However, let me use this opportunity to let you know that am not into any agreement with this organisation concerning my music because i have decided to take another stepping stone that will appreciate my good work and make me known worldwide as a star. I have every right to do what ever i feel like doing with my song. I thank God that this organisation have my pictures, my name and my address if God tary you all will see me in CNN. Seeing is believing and there will i tell the world about your evil ways to delay and frustrate my destiny. Once again, i will really appreciate if known of you writs me again because i dont want to remeber all the things this wicked organisation make me pass through. GOD WILL MAKE AWAY FOR ME, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Throwing a tantrum will not get you anywhere. And as far as seeing you on CNN is concerned, I would suggest that this would be on one of those dreadful reality television programmes such as 'Cops' or 'Most Wanted'. I do not watch programmes like that, of course, but Princess Candice and Prince Darren seem to enjoy them. We are unaware as to why you react like this when we are trying our best to assist you is anybody's guess. All we have tried to do is show you kindness and good-natured advice from day one of this affair. You must understand the way we do things here in the United Kingdom. We cannot just rush into modalities, young man. And trying to extort money from Tushie Mashuganah at the Chavster Bank will get you short shrift, let me tell you. And behind our backs, too, no less! After all we have done for you. I do, however, have some good news. We recognize that you have, on the whole, and excusing your latest little outburst, been patient. Our Treasury Minister, Jeff Skilling, has authorised a payment of $50,000 by way of compensation to you. However, the issue of how to transfer this payment is the root of the problem. You cannot seem to leave your village and we are rather wary of travelling to it. Additionally we do not use money transfer services, so perhaps we could meet on neutral ground? Do you have any thoughts on this matter? I feel that this is the last chance to complete modalities, or we will have to go our separate ways. Igor Shevchenko Greetings. I am the latest recruit to the Foreign Office. My name is Igor Shevchenko. I am based in Moscow, Kazakhstan and London. My job is Head of Security for the Special Operations Department of the Foreign Office. This involves acting as bodyguard to members of the Royal Family and to assist in all areas regarding security of the Realm. In practical terms, I am trained in firearms, explosives, all forms of martial arts, poisoning of subversive elemenets, knives, siege situations, abduction and kidnap negotiation and operation and all matters related to military techniques. Agent Stroganov has advised me that we may need to travel to the Third World to complete modalities with Prince Charles. Please advise me accordingly. Dosvidanya, SHEVCHENKO Mikhail Stroganov IGOR PREPARE STANDARD EQUIPMENT IF WE HAVE TO TRAVEL TO SOME REVOLTING THIRD WORLD SHANTYTOWN_PLEASE HAVE MY GLOCK 19 AND SIG SAUR CLEANED AND OILED_AGENT MUNGLERS WILL NEED HIS SNIPER RIFLE REPAIRED AFTER THAT UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT IN ST PETERSBURG LAST WEEK_THAT WILL BE ALL FOR NOW COMRADE_KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, This is your usual story, am really sorry i have made up my mind to rededicate this song to another person who will cheerish it and reward me for my good works. Your attitudes towards me, can never make me trust any of you niether to see any of you face to face. However, the only way to stop me right now from rededicating this song to another person is transfer this money into my account you have my account details. I have spoken with my bank manager and he said the total sum you mentioned is transferable and all i expect to hear from you in the nest 48 hours is we have transfer the money into your account apart from that please do not writ me again, i beg you in the name of God you have delayed me enough and the truth is nothing will stop me from entering music studio this weekend. Even Mr David is will to sponsor my full album so what else. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. I must say we were rather surprised to read it. After all, we supplied you with a letter of invitation; Tushie Mashuganah prepared the Goldhill rooms for you; we have shown patience in the face of your rather embarrassing tantrums; and my entire staff have shown you nothing but kindness over these past months. And to add to all this, you were the one who cancelled your ticket without so much as a by your leave! Yet you accuse us of delaying tactics. Most disappointing, old boy. Why don't you talk this over with your family or your favourite prostitute, and we can perhaps revisit this project. After all, it's not like we're not willing to give you what you clearly deserve. As ever, A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I change my mind. I suggest we come down to a neutral ground as you said. This organisation have made a lot of promises to me and nothing was given to me, instead all i recieve is accusations and blackmail at the same time loose my grandpa all in the name of this transaction is why Mr David suggest we should rededicate this same song and air it through CNN but i now realize is not the best because i dont know the people am dealing with and am desperate to know. Meanwhile, i want you all to understand all i have pass through all this while without a coin given to me is not fair befor God and man and you know that. Let's stop mentioning money and understand one another and carry out this music project with trust, love and unity. You all should understand that i spent money to put down the song i dedicate to HRH Princess Margaret and nothing was given to me as a reward or compensation. Let's go into negotiation i dont cares whose name you wish to use in selling the songs i will be sending acrose to you over there all i cares for is my own commission. To night i will be working on " MY MISSING RIB " even if you still want me to come down am still intrested is just that i dont know why they refuse to grant my Visa. However, i have sign the Oath of Allegiance that make me one of you, for better for worst am willing to work with this organisation. Meanwhile, what do you think concerning my wish. Even if the $ 50,000 will be much to give out for now you can forget it for now all i need is a token to keep spirit, soul and body together and if possible to pay off Mr David. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your e-mail. I understand that you have invested money in your little project. I should imagine that the path to showbusiness fame does not come cheap. Are you suggesting that you do not want the $50,000? This seems rather a shame to me. Phil Munglers Mr Prince-san, Your demands are becoming more and more relentless. I'll have you know that we have a long line of clients that are waiting for our attention and unless we start to see some kind of effort from you THIS INSTANT, we may be forced to steer our investments elsewhere. When you have finished composing your masterpiece about ribs, I would like you to perform your own interpretation of a personal favorite of mine. It is called "Come To Daddy" by Aphex Twin. Go and seek it out at once. If I am satisfied I will personally make a donation to you. I have very deep pockets. Be off with you! You don't have time to sit around in cafes reading guff like this - you've got work to do. Phil Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Agent Munglers, Quite so. It is rather good of you to offer your creative input to Prince Charles. Where is Aphex Twin? Is it near Festac Town? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. I woundnt like the situation where we will depart like cat and dog, because this world is a small place my music career might carry me come UK one day and it will be a let down and a very big disgrace to HRH Princess Margaret that a song dedicate in her honour was rededicate to another person, simply because she refuse to show appreciation or stick to her word. I was once worshiping this organisation, begging for a cup of water knowing not am carrying a river of water inside me. Doors of opportunity wont open unless you push, honestly, music door has open for me and they are willing to sponsor me abroad after listening to my single sound tracks worked on monday this week even this night i will enter studio to work on another track. So, what am i saying lets settle peacefully so that tomorrow you can mail me to compose you a song for birth day, memorial song and special dedicating song to whom it may concern i will do it for you with all pleasure. I would have love to comer over but the truth is known of you is saying anything good about me even Princess Margaret, all i recieve from this organisation is accusation, blackmail, lies and trying to delay my destiny after all i have pass through, even when grandpa died nothing was given to me asin we are sorry to what happened to you. Now tell me if i now happen to come over probably you mighty even blackmail me again and sentence me to jail, so the best thing right now, right here since my song is on sell, i suggest you send me my own share and that ends it am no longer intrested with the charity fund. All i need from this organisation is to pay in my own share of the music titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " dedicated to HRH Princess Margaret into my bank account and what not. Peace Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. But nothing can be further from the truth, old boy. We have been on your side from day one and have tried to demonstrate this, the most recent example being the extra payment from Mr. Skilling. I note you have sent us another email, I shall scrutinise it and reply accordingly. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Why are you sounding like this. For Christ sake i did not say i dont want the $ 50,000 or did you send it and i refuse to collect it. Am only trying to make peace with this organisation because my music will deffenectly bring me to london as far as I attach the song i dedicate to HRH Princess Margaret titled " WE WISH YOU THIS ". Remain Bless, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Charles, Please do moderate your language, young man, and remember to whom you are speaking. As you may know we have authorised a payment of 1,000 Golden Dorks to you. Tushie Mashuganah will be in touch. Tushie Meshuganah 15 December 2006 Dear Prince Charles, Lady Agatha Bristol informs me that you have accepted the offer of $50,000 from the Princess Margaret Charitable Trust. Therefore I have cancelled the authorisation to Mr Kucker of the Chavster Bank to forward you one thousand golden dorks via Western Union. May you receive all that you so richly deserve this Christmas and in 2007. Kindest regards, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Tushie, Marvellous to see you this morning for breakfast at The Garrick Club. The muffins are superb, don't you think? And the Darjeeling complemented them so well. Regarding the 1,000GD payment to Prince Charles. I wonder if we should use a Bowden Transfer? With best wishes, As ever, A Tushie Meshuganah Dear Agatha, Many thanks for your note - but as I informed Prince Charles, I shall only authorise the 1,000 golden dorks payment to him if he confirms his rejection of the $50,000. If he does confirm this, then I agree that the Holy Bagel Community should consider using a Bowden transfer although I believe that the Prince would prefer Mr Kucker of the Chavster Bank to use Western Union. All best wishes, TUSHIE Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Tushie, This seems fair to me, though for the life of me even given Prince Charles' native inmpatience can I see him rejecting 50,000GD now in return for just 1,000. Still, we shall see. I am aware he prefers Western Union. But these places are full of ghastly, sweaty little men who simply cannot be trusted. Especially with the need for discretion and confidentiality. I feel that we need to meet in person, perhaps on neutral ground. Either in Smegaroon over a couple of Dead Bank Customers or perhaps Amsterdam. Let us see what Prince Charles feels about the situation and we can take it from there. Phil Munglers Lady A Your suggestions to His Royal Imbecile are fair and not particularly demanding. If he fails to agree to your simple proposal of meeting on Smegaroon then he is possibly even more of a useless element than we initially assumed. In answer to your question, Aphex Twin is a hamlet in rural Cornwall where the inhabitants are all bearded and have a fondness for milk. Prince Charles, I am immesenly disappointed that you did not acknowlege me previous email. Begin your work on your interpretation of Aphex Twin's "Come To Daddy" this instant and I will have my assistant Takumi wire you 50,000yen via Western Union. Songs about ribs (or lack of) just won't do. Get on with it for gods sake. Phil Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Agent Munglers, Indeed so. But as I have painstakingly tried to point out to the young man, we have been kindly and patient from the beginning, despite his native intransigence and tantrums. Aphex Twin sounds charming. Perhaps one could visit there next Summer. As for Takumi sending money by Western Union, do make sure that it is not under Special Ops ID, old chap. We can't let these Third World Johnnies know our private details. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect, i sugest you send me the money by Western Union Money Transfer to enable me finished my work in the studio and send it acrose to this organisation to market over there as i agreed with HRH Princess Margaret. I have so far worked on four tracks now, why is she not writing me again. I will rededicate her song Charles, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Charles, You raise an interesting point, to which I would counter with these two questions: How do we know that the music is yours? Why have we only had one song? Princess Margaret is currently on Smegaroon Island on Palace business. Please answer these questions as soon as possible. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thank you for your mail. Honestly, i thought you are the one who stop the British High Commission not to grant my Visa. Am just coming from the British High Commission to ask them why my Visa was not given to me, they said i did not attach my sponsor bank details. Please am begging you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to give me one more chance to re-apply since i have know why my visa was not given to me. To answer your questions, you said how do we know if the song is yours ? i have the music master plate and the data given to me by the music company which i will deffenectly come with if my Visa happens to come out. Second, you said why have we only had one song ? because the song i sent to this organisation titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " dedicated to HRH Princess Margaret was my final condition to recieve my Charity fund which i did. However, now that i know that it was my sponsor bank details which i did not attach, stop me from geting my visa. All i have to do right now is to re-apply for another Visa, even my ticket is still there for me all i have to do is to look for $ 100 to re-book as soon as my visa is ready and come over to work on my album. Honestly, my brand of music is far wider and more acceptable market in the westen world. However, if i should collect $ 50, 000 is like me eaten up my destiny while i still have some other songs which is more better than the one i dedicate to HRH Princess Margaret and this one dedicate to HRH has some how make me known over there and with that song my album will sell over there beyond expectation. I know while i said that the money i need now is to keep spirit, soul and body on during this christmax but you misunderstood me and think i said i dont need the $ 50, 000 is for me to know why my visa was not given to me and now that i know i have to re-apply please. I and HRH Princess Margaret agreed to attach the song i dedicate to her in my ful album is why she invite me to come over and work on my album and we also agreed to share the profit to wit : 60 / 40 befor God and man. She is to take 60% for sponsoring me why i will take 40% and as you can see she is not the one sponsoring me and am not complaining simply because i want my album to be marketed over there. Remain Bless, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, This is all very well but does not really answer our questions. But the proof of the pudding is in the eating so we shall see what we shall see. I would suggest that the best way forward once again is for your to visit us here in London where Daddy Freeze-YO can evaluate your recordings and we can discuss how this project is going to finally start moving. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thank you for your understanding, i will make everything possible to come over. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Excellent. This is the type of attitude that will ensure you get what you deserve. Do let us know when you have booked your ticket. Prince Charles To: Lady Agatha, Phil, Princess Margaret, Tushie Subject: PROBLEM Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2006 Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Please do understand me and see the need to assist me. Am just coming out from Mr David Office my sponsor to ask him for sixteen thousand naira to enable me re-apply for another UK Visa to my greatest surprise he said no that the money he has now has been budgeted to pay his workers and for his Christmax stuff. The UK visa fee is sixteen thousand naira and it's equivalent to $150, could you please kindly assist me with this sum to enable me re-apply so that my Visa will come out by ending of this month. The truth is Mr David is no longer happy with me concerning this project, he keep saying that you people are not real, all he want me to do is to rededicate my song and air it through CNN and tome is not the best thing to do and i have really come long way that i cant just giveup like that, i want to see the end of this transaction. Lady Agatha i really need your assistance or if Miss Tushie will grant me that allowance that will be great to help me out from minor problems please. Am still at Abuja please do send the money through Western Union Money Transfer with this information : NAME : NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES BANK : FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA WUSE, ABUJA NIGERIA WEST AFRICA. MY CONTACT ADDRESS : PHAS 4 PLOT 180 NYANYA ABUJA NIGERIA MY PHONE NUMBER : +2348037578607 Please kindly grant my request to enable me re-apply as soon as possible, you know it will take 10 days of assessment before it will be ready, the early the better. Remain bless, as i look forward to hear a positive respond from you. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles I have lately returned from another royal committment and the first thing I see is this business of yours still rumbling on and on, like some servant's stomach before repast. What on earth is going on? I am getting confusing messages from of number of the participants about your activities in securing passage as per our invitation, and I would greatly appreciate your comments and explanation before I can authorise any further actions from my office. Also Mr Freze tells me you do not wish to proceed with the album?? We do not seem to have advanced at all during my absence, why is this for gods sake? This delay and uncertainty is really quite vexing, and I must say quite threatens to threaten the family christmas and whatnot at Balmoral. I await your immediate and detailed response, as this is not childs play my friend. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles My Princess, So, you are awear of all this pains am passing through without saying anything, people like you should uphood justice . Is this the best way to reward someone who honour you, where have i gone rong to deserve all this enbarrasment and accusation. If you dont want me to come over to work on my album why dont you be plain to me. HRH Princess Margaret Charles I have only just replied to you and hope that you will make every effort to put things right. It is hardly my fault if you cannot be trusted to complete matters in hand during my absence. The inconvenience to my staff has been considerable. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. As always, it is a pleasure to hear from you. I do not, for the life of me, understand how a Prince cannot find $150. I should have thought you spend that just on flea collars for your favourite goat, or on daily bribes to your local warlord. You are supposed to be Royalty, after all. That is why we are assisting you, and even though you are in the Third World, with mudhuts and whatnot, surely $150 is a piffling amount to someone of your means. What is going on? The more this office receives these begging emails, the more one becomes suspicious that this really could indeed be one of those ghastly - if somewhat amateurishly executed - 419 scams. Prince Charles Subject: REMAIN BLESS Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2006 Dear Princess Margaret, I got your mail and it's contents where well understood. Honestly, i really miss you because you have a motherly heart even if you wont assist me, i have to confess this. The questions that has come my way all this while that you are not around is beyond my imagination. However, i thank God for hearing from you once again. Actually, i applied for UK Visa and they refuse to give it to me simply because i did not attach the bank statement of my sponsor, i have bought my flight ticket, you can even ask the people working unther you to go and verify the copy of my ticket receipt is with this organisation, all i need to do is to reapply for another UK Visa and come over. But the truth is my sponsor is know longer happy to assist me and i cant just giveup like that is why am asking for your financial assistance at least to enable me reapply since he dose not want to pay any fee for me. Also, all this while you are not on sit Mr Freze Yo have not communicate me, how comes he lied against me that i dont wish to proceed with my album which is my major target as you know. My Princess, all am saying is Mr David my sponsor is know longer happy to assist me financially is where i need your help, please kindly grant me some money by Western Union Money Transfer to enable me reapply for another Visa am 100 % desperat to come over because is the only way i can elevate poverty in my life please. My Princess you also know that am not in good terms with my father, honestly i regret saying i come from a Royal Family because is causing me alot of trouble and their's know how i can go to him for money that he will listen if not this money am asking for is a tooken to him. I want to let him know that i can make it without him, since my mum died on 7th febuary, 2004 he dont ask of me, so whats the need of me going to him. I have to be strong and face future and is not everything about my secret affire i will open up to Lady Agatha. Thanks i look forward to hear from you. HRH Princess Margaret 12/20 Dear Prince Charles Well, I am not sure what to make of it all, I am sure. During my absence you were due to come over and things were put in place were they not? You apparently had the plane reservations, and then this, for some reason, fell through? Then the arrangement with Mr Freze, which offered great advantages to you as a unique vocal artiste, based on the merit of your initial track we had (which still plays out in the servants quarters each Sunday morning, I may add, as an assist during silver cleaning hour) you seem to spurn, much to our chagrin. And Lord Bovril says that he has heard nothing back from you in regards to the accomodation units we were making available - at some inconvenience to the household, I may add - in anticipation of your imminent visit. It seems as if a lot of good will and opportunity to better yourself has been lost through no fault this end. Add to this your possible involvement in the most unfortunate Bowden affair, custard and all, it seems and we have a fine catalogue of woe set out before us. I really do not see how matters can be salvaged more, unless you make a real and distinct effort to assuage us. The dorks we have ready can be offered elsewhere, to more deserving inebriates if needs be, I can assure you of that. We need some real and genuine effort, my dear chap to show you are suitable, not just this native nonsense. I see that you have signed the Temporary Oath, which at least offers some reassurance that your ambitions remain genuine. But much further work needs to be done. It is up to you to move things forward, as we have done most of that which we can, given the problems and diffiulties you have brought upon yourself. Maybe a new song making a full apology to Myself and my staff would be a good first step, something by way of a Christmas offering shall we say for the festive season? Now pop off and have a careful think in your kraal or wherever it is you sit. It would be a shame to come this close and lose all you have coming to you at this stage of the modalities and what not. Prince Charles Subject: THE STORY WILL SOON CHANGE Date: Sat, 23 Dec 2006 Dear Princess Margaret, I keep reading this mail you send to me each time i feel like brows, wondering the kind of Princess you are. Common pen friends do invite their friends and take care of there bills or well being. I dedicate you song in respect of your good works which i did not recieve any reward from you, even as it was my final condition to recieve the charity fund. You didnt stick to your word, people like you should uphood justics and not to upside justics. Well, know Christmas allowancy was given to me, i mean someone who honoured you through music after six months of transaction, no any financial support to inhance my trip down there, all i recieve from you and your organisation is accusation, lies, blackmail and hatred to someone who honoured there Princess this is inhuman. Understanding that Nigeria was colonized by Great Britain we should be somehow closer to you as our mother and not to be inhuman to people you colonized. Actually, i only writ to let you know that all am asking, is give me my own right from the fruit of my labour before is too late because am getting tired of this transaction. Because i see know reason while your organisation will see the truth and they wont actualize it. Remain Blessed, Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Prince Charles Dear lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. I have really observed with kin intrest about my liberality towards the less priviledged in my own little way. Truly, even the strong men strougle, the wise men strougle, the rich men strougle, lion strougle with flies around it's ears, even the ministers of God strougle to some point, that makes us need God's help and friends in times of this strougles of life. I came in to Abuja Federal Capital and collected a enough money for my trip, only to discover that the ministers of F.C.T was demolishing some illegal structures of some people, women and children out side the street without any provission of any kind. Christ ! i had to render some help with the little i had when the tears of most children touched my heart. You can make proper enquairies about the issue of demolission from your Embassy herein. I have bought my ticket about $ 900 of which you have the copy, but my visa was refused because i omited statement of account of my sponsor. This short coming was the reason for such mega request, with time God will take care of other neccessary things for the actualization of this trip. Remain bless, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. I am unsure as to what all this flies around lions' ears nonsense is all about. Have you been drinking? If the Almighty will ensure that you obtain your ticket, that is perfectly fine by us. Just please do let us know when you are coming. God help you. As ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Your Highness, I trust you enjoyed your trip. It is good to have you back in one piece. I note that the Richard Crockery survived the rather bumpy flight, which is encouraging. With regard to Prince Charles, we would agree that the young man is rather unpredictable. This could be put down to his youth and native temperament, I should wager; I should also add that he has signed an Oath of Allegiance, which banishes most of the doubts that Agents Stroganov, Munglers and Shevchenko have over Charles' background and intentions. My message, Your Highness, is that we perhaps need to show a little patience with him, especially at this time of year. As always, however, we are here to serve. Perhaps we could discuss this at Annie's later over a sherry or two. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. You really sound funy, anyway expect me by first week or second week of Jenuary 2007. lt's good to talk about reality than facing illussion as you know truth doesn't ceas to exist even though its been ignored somehow my dear. l will be there to make it all juicy for a new year fist. Happy Christmas & wonderful new year in addvance. Remain Bless, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. We are now getting rather concerned over your mental health and well-being. Anyone would think that we are trying to cause difficulties, that these modalities are mere child's play, when all we wish to do is fund your little musical project. What is going on over there? A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Why is your own point of view seems to be different from the context of my mails. Infact, i went to Embassy to apply for another UK Visa and this are the immediate requirments for my visa to be released when applied : (1) Original copy of invitation letter (2) Evidence of financial status / pay slip ( bank statements ) ( property documents ) ( citizinship status ) or to make it easier kindly state that you are sponsoring the trip while i make all the neccessary payment. (3) Invitation letter must contain purpose of visit and state intention for my return after the visit. The above documents are required from you for the otenticity through Corea with your signatary, i will only present to them herein a letter from my institution stating my status as a student and letter from my guardiance. With all this my visa will be released. Revert to me immediately with all this neccessary official documents. Thanks for your kind corporation. Remain blessed. Yours Faithfully, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 12/22 Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. I should advise you to keep your opinions to yourself, young man; I have warned you about such petulance before. These modalities have taken up six months' of this Office's time, as well as the time of my senior agents Stroganov and Munglers. I would add that we are going about this business on the back of your word and some begging emails to Her Royal Highness. And for what, I ask you? A musical pipe dream. Still, we are paid to execute Her Royal Highness' commands, so we shall ensure you get what's coming. To business, then. You have our letter of invitation; can you not use that? Igor Shevchenko Greetings from Kazakhstan. Agent Shevchenko reporting in for duty. Intel from Agent Miracsky in Lagos reaches me that Prince Charles Nwaimo (names also used in the past: Jonathan Mokoena, Jame Peter Ja, Koffi Williams, Dr. Frank Omu and Barry Kelly) is preparing to enter the United Kingdom. This involves a high security risk. There are security arrangements in place. I have snipers ready to be dispatched at all main London airports and I have standard sidearms for myself and Agents Stroganov and Munglers. Additionally they have requested their own personal equipment: Agent Stroganov's Remington 12-gauge shotgun and Sig-Saur pistol; and Agent Mungler's TakeDown sniper rifle and Desert Eagle. I remain on alert. Prince Charles will be terminated should you give the codeword. IGOR SHEVCHENKO Security Director - Special Operations Department Mikhail Stroganov IGOR AN EXCELLENT JOB ON THE MUNITIONS YOUNG MAN_THE SHELLS ARE SHINIER THAN A ONE KOPECK PIECE_LET US HOPE THAT WE SEE SOME ACTION FOR A CHANGE_IN THE MEANTIME STAND BY FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS_STROGANOV OUT [Oh yes, there's more.] HAPPY NEW YEAR! and the song remains the same... Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, All this accusation wont take us any where. Your British High Commission herein demanded for the original copy of my invitaion letter when i went to apply, so what is my crime by telling you what they demanded from me. Even if you work away Lady Agatha, i wont die at least i have a lot of story to tell the world how i was used by this organisation. Remain bless as usual, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Charles, Your dramatic responses to our simple requests are not helping the situation, if I may say. These are complex international modalities, not some village conference. We supplied you with a letter of invitation. What have you done with it? I do hope you have not sold it to some ruffian from Festac Town so they can use it in your place. We have had quite enough with your questionable passports and associated excuses already. As ever A Mikhail Stroganov: LADY AGATHA I CANNOT AGREE MORE_QUITE FRANKLY I HAVE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF PRINCE CHARLES' CONSTANT WEASELY WHINING_IF I MAY SAY MA'AM PERHAPS WE SHOULD CONTACT MRS ABACHA?_HER METHODICAL MODALITIES SEEM FAR MORE PROFESSIONAL AND UNLIKE IN PRINCE CHARLES' CASE THERE IS A POSSIBLE COMMISSION FOR US WHICH WILL BE USEFUL GIVEN YOUR PLANS TO REFURBISH THE CUSTARD ROOMS_AS EVER WE AWAIT YOUR COMMAND_SEE YOU AT ANNIE'S LATER - STROGANOV Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE: Dear Agent Stroganov, Thank you for your note. You are quite right and I had forgotten - Rolf Harris was in recently to discuss the refurbishment of the Custard Rooms, which could do with a lick of paint, if you should pardon the vernacular. Princess Candice was certainly insistent with her idea for the ice sculptures and chocolate fountains. Such is the youth of today. And who is Robbie Williams? Is he some sort of entertainer? Perhaps HRH Princess Margaret has her own ideas on this complex business, but until then we must abide by her orders. I am pleased to see Agent Shevchenko ready for action, but I do not think we are at that stage yet. Prince Charles may be rather unpredictable but given that he is hardly graduate material to say the least, I do not feel he presents a clear and present danger to anyone except himself. Prince Charles Mikhail Stroganov, Dont you think is better to be a news maker than noise maker, i suggest you stop mailing me while writing to anybody. Mikhail Stroganov PRINCE CHARLES I SPEAK AS I FIND MY FRIEND AND WHAT I HAVE FOUND SO FAR IS ABOUT AS PALATABLE AS LAST WEEK'S CUSTARD_IN THE MEANTIME YOU CAN THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS THAT YOU ARE NOT IN THE FESTAC TOWN MEDICAL TENT AFTER ALL THAT HAS GONE ON HERE_NOW YOU EITHER FIND THE LETTER OF INVITATION OR YOU CAN WAVE GOODBYE TO THESE MODALITIES_IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, The truth is i have over honoured this organisation and i think is where am rong. i only writ to let you know that all am asking right here and right now ! is give me my own right from the fruit of my labour before is too late because am getting sick and tired of this transaction. Because i see know reason while your organisation will see the truth and they wont actualize it. And whereby attention is not given to me i Prince Charles Nwaimo will forward all your inhuman to BBC and brief them more about this organisation against human right and you know what it means. Even 419's have not act the way this organisation acts, i reapeat give me my own right from the fruit of my labour before is too late Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. As always it is a pleasure to hear from you. Because the festive season is very nearly upon us, we are going to treat your amusing little threat with the attention it deserves. Have you recovered the letter of invitation? If you really must have another one I can arrange for one to be prepared. Prince Charles PRINCESS MARGARET, We can only make it if we understand one another, and work hand to hand or the both party will deffenectly loss. I have gotten the derict address to the Royal Home of the walse and i wont like to put sound in your white rice as i said before, but if you wish so, honestly nothing will stop me from passing out the true information to the walse on thursday if i did not hear from your organisation on wenesday asin giving me my own right of the share. Kindly go through this and dont be greedy am intrested to work under you if you corporate : Princess Margaret dies The Princess's coffin is taken from King Edward Hospital Princess Margaret, the younger sister of Queen Elizabeth II, has died "peacefully in her sleep" at the age of 71. She had suffered a stroke on Friday afternoon and, after developing heart problems, was taken to hospital in London in the early hours of Saturday morning. In a statement Buckingham Palace said: "The Queen, with great sadness, has asked for the following announcement to be made immediately. The princess had been suffering ill-health in recent years "Her beloved sister, Princess Margaret, died peacefully in her sleep this morning at 6.30am in the King Edward VII Hospital." Princess Margaret's funeral will take place on Friday 15 February at 3pm in St George's Chapel, Windsor, the Palace announced. Members of the Royal Family and friends will attend the funeral, which will not be a State occasion, and a memorial service will be held at a later date. ... Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. I am currently on Smegaroon Island and checking my e-mails. It's rather hot here, don't you know. Your threatening e-mails are becoming rather annoying, if I may say. The Princess Margaret to which you refer, indeed passed away a few years ago. She was from another part of the family. The Royal Family is very large, with relatives all over the world. The Princess Margaret to whom you have the pleasure of corresponding is Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth's third cousin, twice removed. I suggest, young man, that instead of trying our patience with this impudence, you rather take stock of the situation and, dare I say, relax. It is Christmas after all. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I am fully aware of the sad demise of my Aunt a year or so back, she after whom I was named, and hardly need this somewhat painful reminder. Indeed I was at the event, and it was a month after that I naturally acceeded to her estates and titles as is my right. I cannot see the point of this message unless to further underline a common confusion, or are you trying to be impertinent, in that dreadful surly native manner you chappies sometimes have? MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles I still insist on my word, if i did not hear from you from now till wenesday as i said earlier, on thursday this week nothing will stop me from airing my song to the right person through BBC. Be won. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Your continuing truculence towards both this office and Tushie Mashuganah is intolerable! I am therefore recommending to Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret that these modalities are cancelled, effective immediately. Tushie Meshuganah 24 December 2006 Dear Prince Charles, I must tell you that this e-mail must be your last opportunity to inform me as to whether or not I should send you one thousand golden dorks from the funds of the Holy Bagel Community. My office will now be closed until December 29th. However, if I have not heard from you on my return I shall assume you no longer need my services. With kindest regards, TUSHIE MESHUGANAH www.freewebs.com/tushiem/ Prince Charles To: Tushie, Phil, Princess Margaret Date: Mon, 25 Dec 2006 Dear Tushie mashuganah, Dont you think is a enough for all this nonsence, are you making fool of me or what. Do you think am a hungary Prince, do you realize that one Naira is = 50 golden dorks now devide 1000 golden dorks by 50 and know it's value to my currency you are offering me twenty naira what kind of insult is that. Be careful. Tushie Meshuganah 25 December 2006 Prince Charles, I am interrupting my Christmas holiday to inform you that one golden dork equals fifty naira so your bank would exchange one thousand golden dorks for fifty thousand naira. Your foolishness and late response to my e-mails has led me to cancel the Western Union transfer and I think it best that you no longer contact me. Mikhail Stroganov: TUSHIE PER LADY AGATHA'S EMAIL I SHOULD FORGET ABOUT THIS USELESS ELEMENT_HE HAS PROVEN TIME AND AGAIN THAT HE IS POSSIBLY THE MOST CRETINOUSLY STUPID AND DUPLICITOUS MAN EVER TO SET FOOT ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH_AND THAT IS COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS MET PRESIDENT BUSH_NOW LET US FORGET THIS NONSENSE AND ENJOY A CUSTARD LIQUEUR TO SEE IN THE NEW YEAR AT VLADIMIR'S_BARRISTER COULIBALY HAS PREPARED YOU A WESTERN UNION JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM_STRAIGHT UP NO MUGU - S Tushie Meshuganah: Dear Mikhail Yes, I'm afraid that his recent antics show that your original assessment of Prince Charles was quite correct. However, I do believe that he is more of a fool than a rogue because if he was actually dishonest, why did he spurn my gift of one thousand golden dorks ? The silly man was so muddled-headed that he mixed up the rate of exchange of dorks and naira and sent me such an insulting message that I cancelled the Western Union transfer - only just in time because ten minutes later Prince Charles would have received 50,000 naira from The Holy Bagel Community's bank account! I look forward to seeing you and SIr Marmite Luny-Binns at Vladimirs on New Years Day. Yours ever, TUSHIE Mikhail Stroganov INDEED SO_I WOULD GO WITH YOUR ASSESSMENT THAT HE IS SUFFERING FROM SOME FORM OF RETARDATION RATHER THAN ANY MALICE AFORETHOUGHT_SEE YOU AT VLADIMIR'S - S Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Kindly ignor all my short comings because my last mail has indicated that building castle in the air wouldn't help us and chasing illussion for the past 6 months without seeing an evidence of reality is a smarg of inhuman to an African child whom your country Great Britain Colonized. If you're damm real, if you're are'nt 419's you seem to tag me calling an innocent dog a bad name in other to hang it. please go through my last mail and send the original required docments through Corea with this address to enable me actualize my trip because it's good to prove that turns has roses: PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA WEST AFRICA. Consequently, i will send your mails to BBC and the FIB's to investigate all this your bullshit having made me to miss my second semester exams chasing shadow. Revert to me immediately your genuinty while i sit on the edge. Remain Blessed. Prince Charles. [We here at Scamorama grow impatient with this whining. Many people have been colonized by Great Britain yet gone on to lead productive, adult lives. There are some things you just have to rise above.] [12/27 - the boom is lowered!] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Charlie Boy, Thank you for your note. It's time, at the end of 2006, to cast you aside, because we have had our fun and your constant whining is becoming rather boring. May I refer you to http://www.scamorama.com/margaret_prince_charles.html [That would be the page you're looking at now.] It's a fitting testament to your greed, stupidity and foul behaviour, you vile cretin. Did you really think we were taken in by your semi-literate attempts at the tired old 419 scam? Pathetic - but at least you have some fame now, however weasely, dishonest and despicable your actions have been to gain it. So happy reading, old boy. If you have trouble with it, ask one of your fellow Festac Town regulars to help - perhaps your scamming boss can assist you. It's all rather a good wheeze, don't you think? Pulling you along like the almost unbelievably stupid, corrupt scum that you really are has been most enjoyable for us. Her Majesty is amused at the thought of all your wasted time and money. We've also forwarded *your* details to the relevant anti-419 authorities, so you can look forward to making some new friends soon. Perhaps they will listen to your song whilst you're bent over the bunk, if you'll pardon the vernacular. Maybe they'll even sing it to you. My Missing Rib? You'll be missing a lot of things by the time you get out of the local prison, I can assure you of that, as Agent Stroganov might say. However, you never know where one of us may pop up - so if you somehow manage to scrape a few naira together from goat-pleasuring to bribe your local "police", stay tuned - because we're coming after you. Congratulations, genius - you've been given the full treatment by the Foreign Office. Wishing you total failure in your "endeavours" in 2007 you revolting, grasping, ghastly little swine. Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London - Fighting Against 419 - Tushie Meshuganah: Dear Agatha, A very nice letter to Prince Charles, if I may say so but I would have kept the little bugger dangling on a string for at least another fortnight. After all, I wanted him to curse himself for not picking up my thousand golden dorks. Anyhow, see you in Smegaroon for the New Year's Eve party - Sir Marmite Lunny-Binns has set up custard liqueurs all round for ourselves at his luxurious pad on Lenner Beach. Love, TUSHIE xxx Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE: Dear Tushie, Thank you for your note. I find that it is best to cut these ruffians off a little early so that the material does not flag or they find out first that they have been on the receiving end of the Foreign Office's unique brand of scambaiting. I would also add that it is best to end it before it is suggested by someone else, and that our options for Prince Charles were rapdily dwinding. Indeed he did receive the full treatment, and your role has been mentioned to Her Majesty. Surely this is the end? But no! Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Please dont do this to me, give me one more chance God knows that am not a 419, i only need the help of this organisation. Do you realize what you have caused me, my grandpa died along this transaction, you put me into debt, i losed my second semester exams when i traveled down to Abuja for my Visa now am missing one year, where have i gone rong, why do i deserve this am sorry the way i sounded to this organisation is just because of the preasure on me, am really sorry please. Heaven and Earth knows that am innocent. Lady Agatha what have i done to deserve this goodbye, please forgive me the way i sounded to this organisation, it wasnt intentionally am just confused when someone told me that Princess Margaret whom i said i dedicate song is dead is where i got crazy. Lady Agatha, if am one of the 419s as you said i wouldnt have leave my school and come down to Abuja to travel out, am not greedy i only want to help myself through my brand of music, am not a 419 God knows this, why do you choose to spoil my name you should have ignor me than to spoil my innocent name. Did i collect any money from you, even when you offered me $ 50, 000 i said know is like me eating up my destiny that i prefer to come over and work on my album. For the love of God have mercy on me am not a 419, while do choose to scandalize my name, could you please tell me my crime. Am writing you this mail to please give me one more chance to Apologised to you all am not a 419. Even if you wont help me any more but please remove my name from the internate to enable my upcoming album sell. For the song i dedicate to HRH Princess Margaret let me say is a way of showing appreciation to Great Britain for colonizing Nigeria please, try to understand me to enable my upcoming album sell world wide, believe me am not a 419 if i'm may God take away my life this night, may i not leave to see tommorrow please dont stain my name am innocent. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', Admirable stuff, old boy. And a damned good attempt at turning the situation round. You deserve credit for that, if nothing else. Your whinging, whining and wheedling has been extremely amusing, if a little grating, from day one. Let us be fair, and look at the evidence dispassionately. You email us anonymously. From Nigeria. You ask for money to help fund your imaginary 'music project'. You describe yourself as a Prince. You talk about God all the time. You claim to have a dying relative. I am sure you do indeed have a grandfather. He's probably a crook, just like you. And you say 'Remain blessed'. And you're not a 419 scammer? Even Scones, Her Majesty's butler, enjoyed that. The reality is that you *are* a 419 scammer. That is incontrovertible fact, old thing. At least you offer a song in return for stealing (or hilariously failing to steal) other people's money rather than the usual tired, lame old nonsense. The song isn't bad, by the way. Princess Candice wishes to know how you stole it? Did you steal the music and replace the original lyrics with your own rather eclectic ones? Strangely enough, we do not feel you are all bad, for a scammer. That may be like saying, 'Having a leg amputated wasn't so bad, it could have been an arm'. But we just think you are chronically stupid and not evil as some of your Festac Town friends - who we WILL hunt down - so I am going to give you some advice. And I won't even ask you for a single naira for it, your Highness. Give up scamming before you indeed face some rather unpleasant consequences. I should consider honest employment, were I you, where you work and get paid for it. Plenty of Nigerians do this without resorting to trying to defraud people. Enough. We have other mugus to attend to. Be off with you, 'Charles'. Oh - one more thing - there's no such thing as a Golden Dork. Except you. As ever, A Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret, Tushie, Phil Subject: PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THE SAKE OF MY ALBUM PLEASE Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2006 My Princess, Why do choose to reward me this way. God knows that am not a 419 as am accused. Please for the sake of my upcoming album which i registered with PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO you can please take the song i dont need reward please, but ask Lady Agatha to remove my name from the internate to enable me go for Grammy Award next year. What will people say when they hear that am a 419 God ! my wonderful album will not sell again please give me one more chance and i will do anything for you please. Am begging you in the name of our lord jesus christ please have mercy on me am not a 419. HRH Princess Margaret 12/29 Dear Prince Charles After some deliberation here maybe it is the case that my team of operatives have proven a little too hasty. Your excellent musical track has certainly proved something of an endearing addition to Princess Candice's MP3 player, and Mr Freze continues to have high hopes as to your talents, this despite the off handed way you lately dealt with his kind offer of assistance. Since you ask for one last chance, and as it is the season of good will towards all men (Mr Tossov has been handing out true deserts to those who ask for them, even over the holidays) I will allow you a last chance, with no more excuses about visas, dying grandparents, landlords and what not. I have asked for a further song to prove your merits further in our eyes in my last message. You have 10 days to provide this as requested and we shall make a final judgement upon its receipt. As it is rather too late now for the festive season, let the title of the song be along the lines of ALL THE BEST FOR THE NEW YEAR DEAR PRINCESS MARGARET. Ensure that you make mention of my loyal subjects in Smegaroon colony, as I would not want them forget at this time of year. I will look forward with interest to seeing you work in due course. In the meantime, your dorks are on hold. If We are pleased then rest assured that your reputation on the web will be revised to do you full justice. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto, Room 101 The Royal Les Dawson Suite Kensington Doss House, Buckingham London FU2 GlT (+44) (0)20 7930 4832 Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE: Your Royal Highness, Thank you for your note. I have to admit that we were somewhat surprised to receive it. Prince Charles is a 419 scammer. We have exposed him and are ready to either use him as our man in Festac Town or cast him aside. Your Highness, please consider this carefully. There is no music project, dead grandfather or 'sponsor' for Prince Charles. He is a criminal. He knows that all of our correspondence is on the internet, and that we have notofied the anti-419 authorities. If you really wish to continue modalities, then we are - as ever - at your command. But surely the evidence is there for you to see; that Prince Charles is a villain! Please do get back to me as a matter of urgency. Yours ever, A Mikhail Stroganov: PRINCESS MARGARET WITH NO DISRESEPCT INTENDED MA'AM I FIND THIS UNBELIEVABLE_WE HAVE WORKED ROUND THE CLOCK FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS AND HAVE GIVEN YOU CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT PRINCE CHARLES IS NOTHING BUT A CROOK AND A CRIMINAL_AND A PRETTY POOR ONE AT THAT_AS 419 SCAMMERS GO HE IS AMUSING BUT A CRIMINAL NONETHELESS_FOR GODS SAKE MA'AM IF YOU'LL PARDON MY EXASPERATION THIS MAN IS A SERIOUS THREAT TO BOTH YOUR FINANCES AND YOUR SECURITY AND I WOULD URGE YOU IN THE STRONGEST TERMS POSSIBLE NOT TO GO AHEAD WITH THESE MODALITIES OTHERWISE THERE WILL BE SERIOUS REPERCUSSIONS WHICH WE WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH AND WE HAVE SEVERAL OTHER PRESSING CASES AT THE MOMENT - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_MOSCOW OFFICE Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret, Tushie, Phil, Lady Agatha Bristol Subject: I HEREBY ATTACH THE LYRICS OF THE SONG FOR ASSESSMENT Date: Fri, 29 Dec 2006 " ALL THE BEST " Written by : Prince Charles Nwaimo In Honour of the good works of HRH Princess Margaret. Chorus : All the best All the best We wish you Princess Margaret In this new year Solo : Princess margaret We all love you For your good works As the moon cant shine Without the sun So you are to Smegaroon We can see your sunshine We can see the moon We can also see the stars Is all made by you As nothing could stop the day From coming forth this morning So shall no circumstance Stand on your way to success In this new year Chorus : All the best All the best We wish you Princess Margaret In this new year Solo : For the love Smegaroon have for you Is so great Though you dont know me But your good works Compel me to sing I know this is like a wound It's scar never, never go I know is like a wound It's scar cant go All i could do is to pray, pray Holy spirit come Come selfguide Princess Margaret All they that will rise against Please put confussion Now lets join together All over the world and praise her Chorus : All the best All the best We wish you Princess Margaret In this new year My Princess this is what i have for you as you wish. Please i suggest you give it to Freze Yo to work on it because i dont have money to book for studio and pay produce, so am real sorry i cant be able to work on it. HRH Princess Margaret 29 Dec Dear Prince Charles This seems to Us at first glance to be an admirable effort. I have a servant read out to Me a few times and the stanzas do rather grow on One. Mr Freze will of course be delighted to remaster your native studio effort, but will naturally need the audio file shortly, the quality of which will dictate our favourable consideration of your claim to charity. Kindly be about the submission as soon as you can, as this has been going on far too long. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE: Indeed so, Agent Stroganov. We can only hope that Her Royal Highness' forgiving and kindly nature does not over-ride her common sense in this matter. Please fly over to London with Agent Shevchenko ASAP to discuss this. Agent Munglers, your presence will be required as well. HRH Princess Margaret: Dear Lady Agatha and fellow operatives I quite understand your concerns, but feel we ought to be charitable towards the mentally challenged, the inebriate and the indigent at this time of year even more than usual. As Prince Charles clearly falls under such considerations, We shall give him the benefit of the doubt for a short while more, especially as he seems likely to produce such a splendid anthem for our people in Smegaroon. Let us see what the Prince comes up with musically, and act accordingly. A few thousand dorks have been set aside already, after all, and he surely will deserve what is likely to come to him. Please give my warmest regards to your families and servants. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE: Your Royal Highness, Thank you for your e-mail. Please do bear with me; orders are orders and we will respond accordingly. But I urge you to reconsider. Prince Charles is a 419 scammer, your Highness. Allow me to offer the evidence to you once again: i) He has emailed Us out of the blue. From Nigeria. And he has asked for money. In his case, for some nonsensical music project. ii) The format of his email, from his ridiculously bogus title and poor grasp of English (spurious or not) to his constant mentioning of God, and even his sign-off (Remain Blessed) are classic characteristics of 419 operatives. iii) He has made reference to a dead / dying relative. Often this is done to either ilicit sympathy, or extra money to help with 'expenses' - this is either as a 'bonus' or as a Plan B payment to be extorted when the main scam is not working. iv) He has used a stolen passport - we know it is stolen, Your Highness - and pictures to 'prove' his identity are simply cut out and scanned from magazines or lifted from the Internet. We are aware that he signed an Oath of Allegiance, but that was before we had conclusive, final evidence of his 419 activities. And that is before we discuss any lingering doubts about 'Charles' professed innocence over his involvement in the Bowden Affair. Charitable works are commendable. But 'Charles' is not a charity case. He is a criminal. I urge you one final time to reconsider these modalities, ma'am. We are here to serve you, however. Please do get back to me urgently. I am happy to pop over to the Custard Rooms for a sherry to discuss this matter. Agent Stroganov has arrived from Moscow and he too is happy to offer his input into this episode. Mikhail Stroganov: MA'AM I HAVE FLOWN IN FROM MOSCOW AND HAVE BEEN BRIEFED BY LADY AGATHA_I AM MOST ALARMED BY THESE DEVELOPMENTS_WITH THIS IN MIND AND FOLLOWING MY MEETING WITH LADY AGATHA I HAVE FIRST-HAND INTEL OF PRINCE CHARLES AT WORK_THE FIRST IMAGE WAS TAKEN OF HIM LAST WEEK IN AN INTERNET CAFE IN ABUJA_THE SECOND IS OF CHARLES_DANIEL ENENCHE AND AN UNKNOWN INDIVIDUAL BELIEVED TO BE JONATHAN MOKOENA POST PLASTIC SURGERY_IT WAS TAKEN A FEW WEEKS AGO INSIDE A GAY NIGHTCLUB IN ACCRA_YOUR HIGHNESS PLEASE TAKE THE THREAT POSED BY 'CHARLES' SERIOUSLY_BENEATH THE STUPID SONG WORDS AND SLIMY COMPLIMENTS THERE IS A VERY REAL DANGER TO YOUR FINANCIAL WELL-BEING AND A POSSIBILITY THAT THE BOWDEN AFFAIR COULD BE REVISITED_I AWAIT FURTHER COMMAND FROM LADY AGATHA ON THIS MATTER BUT I CANNOT STRESS THE NEED TO BE CAUTIOUS IN MORE STRONGER TERMS MA'AM - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV [The nightclub pic is omitted due to personally identifying details. Take it from the Foreign Office, it was compromising.] Prince Charles Date: Sat, 30 Dec 2006 Dear Princess Margaret, I can get something more better than this if only you will give me time and i must be plain to you am doing this just for innocency because am so confused of the whole thing, i keep asking God every day where did i go rong. Actually, right now i must be plain to myself. Honestly i dont have money to work on this song unless you can send me some money that you are sure that will enable me work on this song, is why i said you should give it to Freze Yo because i know my financial handicap right now and the debts on my neck. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Prince Charles If are not prepared to make the necessary effort on Our behalf, then I really do not see how We can take your good faith seriously. We have had to put up with a lot in regards to your claim on our charitable good wishes over the last few months, and a good number of palace staff have been mobilised on your behalf despite your unreliable and somewhat homosexual past. We do have other native indigents waiting for our kind consideration, you know! Now I am going to return to the preparations for the Smegaroon New Year's Eve party, for which I am honorary musical compere, and try and retain some equanimity in the light of this still further dilly dally. I was rather hoping to have played your new effort out to the assembled revellers as a treat, but see I am once again disappointed in the hope. Perry Como and whatnot is hardly a subsititute. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Subject: I HAVE ADIT THE SONG TO PROFFESSIONAL LEVEL TO ANY SINGER Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2007 Dear Princess Margaret, Why is it that the problem between us is trust and what have i not done for you and your organisation to trust me at least for once. For Christ sake i have been seeing people to see if they will borrow me money to do this song but they all refuse. Tell me my Princess do you want me to go and steal and get the money for the studio work when you can send me some money to do this song without any delay. I know that i dont have such money now and is the reason while i ask you to give Daddy Freze Yo the song to work on your honour. This is new year, new life, new understanding and we should learn to trust. If i have the money i would have love to do this song in your honour but i dont have the money and you are in the position to send me some money to do it, please understand me, i realy cares for you no matter all i have pass through. However, i hereby attach my talkings to the song to make it more meanful and please kindly instruct Daddy Freze Yo to work on it, honestly i dont have the money for the studio and the producer feee, if i do i will still do it for you willingly without minding, because i know that one day God will also touch you in my favour. " ALL THE BEST " Written by : Prince Charles Nwaimo In Honour of the good works of HRH Princess Margaret. Talkings : Is a new day New year New season In Smegaroon With love we dedicate this song To Princess Margaret That among the best leaders She is the best Chorus : All the best All the best We wish you Princess Margaret In this new year We wish you all the best In this season Solo : (repeated as before) Chorus : All the best All the best We wish you Princess Margaret In this new year We wish you all the best In this season Solo : (repeated as before) Chorus : All the best All the best We wish you Princess Margaret In this new year We wish you all the best In this season. My Princess i have realy adit the song to the class of the best, i mean a proffessional level to any singer to handle over there. I WISH YOU HAPPY NEW YEAR, LONG LIFE AND PROSPERITY AND PLEASE ALWAYS REMEBER ME AS A NEEDY Cheers Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Jan 2 Dear Charles Of course We don't expect you to pop out and steal and what not, my dear chap - even if it is common practice out in your neck of the woods. But I really can't impose upon the good graces of Mr Freze and just ask him to ready the entire musical composition you have suggested, just from your bald lyrics. After all, he is a busy chap (just back from his end of year sojurn with his extended family in Harlem NY, I understand, charming people) and will need far more to go on than a few scribbled words, no matter how well and flatteringly written. After all my dear fellow, as Colonel Brudenell himself observed during the conversation we had during the New Year's Trooping of the Colours parade a day or so ago when I took the opportunity to show him the song sheet, where is the harmony? the key? the time signature, and an idea of likely tune for your little ditty? Mr Freze would have to start somewhere, even if he felt able to. Col Brudenell felt strongly that there was no chance, at least in its present state of presentation, of attempting some of arrangement for the marching band. We strongly urge you to complete the song ALL THE BEST quickly now so that matters can proceed apace in the new year, as We do so want to see you get what is coming to you, as soon as possible. Prince Charles To: Lady Agatha, Princess Margaret, Tushie, Phil Subject: I WISH YOU ALL HAPPY NEW YEAR Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2007 With due respect to this organisation. My tought and wishes for you all, is for good and not for evil but for you to see your expected end in this life. Lets keep away hatred, discrimination, accusation, blackmail and work hand to hand with love and unity in this new year, there's something crying deep inside of me which you need to see, i mean a hiden treasure which it will only take wise one like you to see it. When you cut off my vain you wont see black and white but you will only see the same blood which represent God's image we are one in his sight, so lets join hands together and hit the world by the virtue of my brand of music which has far wider and more acceptable market in the western world which demand attention of this organisation. All the pictures i sent to you are my 90's pictures apart from my passport that is recent, i will send you some of my resent pictures, who knows even Lady Agatha and Mr Stronganov might even love me. However, all am saying is New Year, New Life, New understanding. My wishes for you in this New Year is get up and open the tap, how many drops of water can you count ? so shall your blessings be in this New Year and all the years of your life. Happy New Year to you all. Cheers, Prince Charles Nwaimo. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles We will be delighted to see some of your recent pictures, perhaps something taken of your wives and children gambolling in the bush over the festive season? I am not sure what you mean about counting water, we have it out of taps here, no buckets or what nots to be carried, don't you know. Prince Charles Subject: TRUST ME FOR ONCE Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2007 Your Highness, I can do this song with the sum of $ 200 and down load it into internet and send it acrose to you without any delay. Just send the money tomorrow that is working day here in Nigeria, by thursday unfailingly it will get to you. Honestly, you dont cares for me the way i cares for you My Princess. Meanwhile, give me a trial $ 200 is know money to you and dont be suspicious it wont do anything for me. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I am afraid that $200 (or its equivalent, 1,098 dorks) can not be sent in all conscience by Us until you have convinced Us that you are seeing your promises through, and that you are cleared by My diligent operatives as a possible security risk. We have explained at great length as to how you can achieve this status, the details of which and what not should be clear by now. Really the ball is left in your court. We await your reponse. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Your rather flord prose does not hide the fact that you are, in our eyes, a vile 419 scammer. And a particularly poor one at that. That Her Royal Highness wishes to continue these modalities is neither here nor there. We have our eyes on you, Nwaimo, or whatever you call yourself today, and should you prove us correct then we will come down on you like a ton of bricks. We answer to Her Royal Highness and we respect her position in this matter. Just watch your step - or face the consequences. Agent Shevchenko - move to Criminal Undertaking Special Treatment Alert Roving Duties. Mikhail Stroganov: LADY AGATHA FOR MY MONEY 'CHARLES' IS INDEED A PENNY-ANTE SCAMMER WHO DESERVES NOTHING BUT A DAMNED GOOD HIDING BUT AS YOU SAY WE MUST DO AS HRH'S ORDERS_I WILL LIAISE WITH SHEVCHENKO REGARDING SECURITY MEASURES_KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING MA'AM Igor Shevchenko: Lady Agatha and Agent Stroganov: Shevchenko reporting from the Special Operations private jet. I am en route from Almaty, Kazakhstan to our safe house in Nigeria. Alert status has been increased as per your orders and my conversation with Agent Stroganov on the secure satellite link. A snatch squad is on the way to Enugu State, Nigeria, where the target calling himself 'Charles' has been acquired by our GPS system. We are tracking his movements and are ready to execute operations on your order. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE: Agents Stroganov and Shevchenko, Excellent work. Stand by for further orders. We may not, on this occassion, have convinced Her Royal Highness that 'Charles' is not only a criminal but a useless element at that. However, we are duty bound - by Kuzdardz Decree Vom Poppadom I might add - to support her in these endeavours, despite any misgivings that we may have. As you were. As ever A JANUARY 14th AND WE FORGE AHEAD... Prince Charles Dear Princess Margaret, I hereby attach one of my recent picture and to let you know that am working away to find a better place concerning my music project because am sick and tired of all this selfish accusations against me, instead to have a re-think on how we can progress this new year, someone is out there writing nonsence. If am to ask you what have you done for me asin to show appreciation of the song i did to you, instead you still need more not only that all i recieve from this organisation is accusation do they think is the best way to blackmail innocent child, we all own God account of our life on gudgement day take it or you leave it. Now my eyes are open send me all the neccessary documents to enable me come over to london through postage as i demanded before am not affraid of any accusations because i do forward some of our transactions to our family lawyer as an evidence, we can now go into negotiation on how to carry out my music project, if you wish. This is new year, i dont want to chase any shadow this time. Let's face reality. However, if i did not hear any positive responds this time, i have to send my worked songs to US for assessment and be expecting my royalties and what not. [Picture attached looks vaguely familiar - possibly stolen from somewhere - a well-dressed young man.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', Instead of ranting, perhaps you should be grateful that you are still alive. Her Royal Highness has been kind to you, overly so in our view, so I suggest you keep quiet and get on with it. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, All this your stress and accusations towards me, i think you only deserve some kiss from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', What the hell is this? Prince Charles Yes my lord, your wish is my commandoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Mikhail Stroganov CHARLES YOU CRAZY FOOL WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???_HAVE YOU HAD TOO MUCH TRIPLE-X THROWDOWN WITH YOUR SISTER AGAIN???_EXPLAIN YOURSELF THIS INSTANT Igor Shevchenko: Lady Agatha and Agent Stroganov, Prince Charles obvious psychosis has meant that we are now on high alert. Our snatch squad is in place and we are ready to act. Please advise urgently. SHEVCHENKO Lady Agatha: Agent Shevchenko, Thank you for the update. Stand by. -- A Tushie Meshuganah: Dear Lady Agatha, I am also somewhat concerned about Prince Charles' state of mind. In order to alleviate his concerns, I have instructed Sir Charles Farnes-Barnes of the Kreplach Brothers Merchant Bank to send him a small package of suitable drugs - i.e. methyparaben, polyquaternium and propylene - along with an open cheque for one hundred golden dorks which he can exchange at any major bank in Nigeria. Lady Agatha: Dear Tushie, Thank you for your note. This is admirable but inadvisable. Do not send Charles any money under any circumstances until Her Royal Highness authorises it. As far as we are concerned he is a threat to HMG and must be dealt with as such time until Her Royal Highness orders that we continue these modalities. As ever, A Tushie Meshuganah: Dear Agatha, Thank you for your note - in fact I spoke briefly to Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret last night and she immediately consented to this small amount of cash and medical supplies being sent to Prince Charles on an in vimto pacquet trojanus basis. I understand that Mr Samuel Spade of Kreplach Brothers will contact Prince Charles to confirm we have his correct address. In haste, TUSHIE Lady Agatha: My dear Tushie, I have just recevied the message myself - one was in a meeting with Health Minister Neville Heath. A rather strange cove, I must say. Very well - I suggest we use a Bowden Transfer for this small payment. Prince Charles Am sorry, am only trying to be friendly to you. 'Charles', Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your note. I suggest you save your rustic native charms for the goats at your local market and your fellow Festac Town scammers. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Where is the ful support you promised me. All this 419 scammer you do call me have you for one day ask God what did i dupe from you or this organisation. God is watching us. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', God is watching us. We are watching you. A Prince Charles lady Agatha, Jesus Christ ! Please can we just be friends, all my life i have not seen anyone so difficult like you. 'Charles', Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', Her Royal Highness has a soft spot for you. Perhaps it is her natural maternal kindness, but she seems to think that you really are a struggling musician trying to complete a composition project. Perhaps she is moved by your pathetic song lyrics. The Special Operations Department knows better. You are a 419 scammer. We have nothing but contempt for you and your ilk, for you are among the lowest of the low, if you'll pardon my vernacular. People like you do your country a grave disservice with your despicable and pathetic attempts to steal money. We have no time for the greedy, and the stupid cannot help themeslves; but we are here to protect the people who really are only trying to help and are taken in by your brand of weasely wheedling via their own good intentions. You force me to be unmannerly. I would, quite frankly, rather be friends with Pol Pot before I take a custard liqueur within 10,000 miles of you. [Perhaps Princess Margaret will be an easier touch.] Prince Charles Date: Thu, 4 Jan 2007 Dear Princess Margaret, Why am i passing through this hell, each day i keep praying to God with tears asking him is he not the one who said that a man's gift maketh room for him and bring him befor great men of the world, why is my different. Believe me if i have the money right now i Prince Charles Nwaimo will enter studio and do the song for you, but the truth is i dont have the money. I have said all the truth in my mouth and the last thing i will do is to lie. Help me to come over, is all am asking from you please. I will really love to see all this my accusaers face and ask them why. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles It is simply no good whining on like this and then abusing my loyal operatives who have my best interests at heart with a degree of insolence I have not heard the like of since we discharged our footman Jonathan Mokeona last year, for stealing the spoons. Either you follow through with what is required or we shall apply our charities elsewhere. Now I suggest instead of inconsequential breast beating and what not you look to submitting the song and then we can safely proceed to dork dispersement. Incidentally Col Brudenell has suggested that your latest song might, with a little tinkering, fit the music of 'Imagine' by John Lennon, how would you feel about this? Regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC [Her Royal Highness is apparently referring to the famous case of Jonathan Mokoena and the XBox] Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret, Tushie Meshuganah, Phil Munglers Subject: I THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR COMPANY. Date: Fri, 5 Jan 2007 Dear Princess Margaret, I really lack word, than to say thank you for all the stress you made me pass through. However, am sorry to the way i sounded to your organisation and always remeber me as someone who came to you as a needy, even in the means of nothing i honoured you, i cherish your good work but you prefer to condition the needy, motherless child who come to you for help. Take the song, leave my name in the internet as a scammer, God knows if i dupe anything from you or not. However, i must to thank you for all you make me pass through, is all about storms of life and future testimony. Remain bless and i also pray to almighty God to selfguide you and bless you abundantly in this new year, Amen. Finanly, goodbye my princess. Thanks. Prince Charles Nwaimo. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles I do not understand, does this mean you are one of those nauseous native mugu scammers after all? After all we have done to see you get what is due to you? It seems a little ungrateful. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret, Lady Agatha Bristol, Mikhail Stroganov, Tushie Meshuganah, Phil Munglers, Igor Shevchenko Subject: AM ASAHMED OF YOUR ORGANISATION Date: Thu, 4 Jan 2007 Dear Princess Margaret, I hereby attach one of my recent picture and to let you know that am working away to find a better place concerning my music project because am sick and tired of all this selfish accusations against me, instead to have a re-think on how we can progress this new year, someone is out there writing nonsence. If am to ask you what have you done for me asin to show appreciation of the song i did to you, instead you still need more not only that all i recieve from this organisation is accusation do they think is the best way to blackmail innocent child, we all own God account of our life on gudgement day take it or you leave it. Now my eyes are open send me all the neccessary documents to enable me come over to london through postage as i demanded before am not affraid of any accusations because i do forward some of our transactions to our family lawyer as an evidence, we can now go into negotiation on how to carry out my music project, if you wish. This is new year, i dont want to chase any shadow this time. Let's face reality. However, if i did not hear any positive responds this time, i have to send my worked songs to US for assessment and be expecting my royalties and what not. [A very dashing pose and what not] Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret, Tushie Meshuganah, Phil Munglers Subject: PLEASE LET US WORK WITH THIS MEDIUM Date: Thu, 4 Jan 2007 Dear Princess Margaret, With due respect to your organisation. Please i want to ask you for a favour, since this organisation dont trust me for anything let's work my coming over with this music scholarship given to me some months ago to enable me come over and further my music carrier. All the money that will be spent to enable me come over will be paid back as soon as i aired my first album over there please. We have gone so far that we need to see face to face, after all this trials, accusations, discrimination, sleepless night, shame, pains and sorrow which i pass through all this while deserve this attention please. Remain Bless. Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles I am not sure what you mean. Do really expect Us to trust you before the completion of the Smegaroon song? That would be very awkward. I have representatives and dignitaries of that colony to whom I have intimated that a special composition may soon be expected a sort of unofficial anthem if you will. What on earth would I say to them? Prince Charles Subject: ALL BECAUSE OF THE NAME OF MY BELOVED MOTHER Date: Sat, 6 Jan 2007 DearPrincess Margaret, I wont look down on you, because of the love i have for my late mother ( MARGARET ). I decide to walk away because of all this accusations against me from Lady Agatha which you are not saying anything knowing how i started with you, honestly is know longer bearable. Even you My Princess you call me (mugu) simply because i honoured, Could you please tell me my crime for knowing you. I come to you that my problem is to go back to school, i mean i did not hide anything from you about my family and how i lose my birth right when my mum passaway on 7th febuary, 2004. Well, if at all you want me to do the song for you fine send the little token i demanded on monday while on tuesday i will enter studio and do it and download it and send it acrose to you on wensday. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles This is splendid news and I am so glad that you see the sense in further establishing trust between us in this way. I naturally apologise if any language We have used has done you a disservice, but you can see how much of our communication has been marred by inconveniences and delays of all sorts, when We remain keen to see you get your just deserts. Let us work together in the new year on a new start. Ensure we have this second song shortly and it will undoubtedly trigger the results One expects without delay. Mr Freze, I know, will be keen to hear the song as he has been talking about session musicians, drum machines and all sorts of what not Kindest regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Subject: BANK TRANSFER DETAILS VIA WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER Date: Mon, 8 Jan 2007 Dear Princess Margaret, I hereby attach the details of Western Union Money Transfer to enable me do the song without any delay : NAME : NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES BANK : FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA WUSE, ABUJA NIGERIA. MY CONTACT ADDRESS : PHASE 4 PLOT 180 NYANYA, ABUJA NIGERIA. Cheers, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I am sure you remember the arrangement we only just agreed on. First the new song, then you get the dorks and whatnot. I really cannot put it any plainer if I tried. Mikhail Stroganov YOUR HIGHNESS PRINCESS MARGARET IF I MAY BE SO BOLD_IF YOU MUST CONTINUE THESE MODALITIES WITH THE 419 SCAMMER MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT SEND HIM ANY MONEY OUT OF YOUR PERSONAL FUNDS_IT WOULD BE FAR SAFER ALL ROUND IF ANY MONIES WERE TRANSFERRED ANONYMOSLY BY OURSELVES FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE_ - AGENT STROGANOV Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, Only God will justify all this accusation against me. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' LIKE ALL SCAMMERS YOU EVOKE THE NAME OF GOD WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING OR WISH TO CLAIM SOME SORT OF JUSTIFICATION FOR YOUR DESPICABLE DEEDS_MERELY BY MENTIONING HIS NAME DO YOU DEFILE IT_YOU COULD NOT DO SO MORE IF YOU HAD VOICED IT OUT OF YOUR ARSE_NOW DO AS YOUR BETTERS TELL YOU AND GET THAT SONG OVER TO HER ROYAL HIGHNESS BEFORE I LOSE MY TEMPER_IS THAT CLEAR??? [Apparently Prince Charles has stumbled across the web site of The Foreign Office, which he quotes in full. Rather than repeat it all here, we encourage you to visit the site directly for a full appreciation of their magnificent work.] Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Jesus Christ ! Lady Agatha so this is who you are. Know wonder you keep playing me like football left and right, forward and backward, accusing me for unknown and what i have not practice in my life for once. Christ ! but why Lady Agatha am innocent, what else have i not done just for you to believe me. Now that i know who you are, i rather die than to giveup. The Special Operations Department, 221b Baker Street, London NW1 4BD You have probably received emails with the words 'URGENT' and 'CONFIDENTIAL' in the subject field. The sender claims to be a bank manager, businessman, prince, doctor or other ficticious occupation. According to the e-mail, they have access to millions of dollars in 'trunk boxes', usually kept in a 'security company'. ... The Special Operations Department - part of the Foreign Office - exists to combat the pernicious activities of criminals perpetuating this activity. ... Do take some time to explore our site, and if you are interested in joining the fight against these evil criminals, please contact me... Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', You know damned well who we are - as we know, all too clearly, what you are. You know we that we protect Her Majesty's Government, and our role is to expose and deal with 419 criminals and malcontents. Just like you, old boy. I do not find your continued pleas of innocence convincing. They make me nauseous. We have exposed you and passed your details onto Princess Margaret, but for reasons known only to her, Her Royal Highness wishes to continue modalities. Were I you, I would pray to whichever goat has your favour this week, thanking your lucky stars that this is the case. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London. With due respect, i honour your position and appreciate your good works for her majesty's Government. Please i beg you in the name of the most high God i hate the word scammers or 419's expecially when you refer them to me or what ever you call them for Christ sake am not one of them, i have not 419 anyone niether to practice such evil. Please tell me what did i dupe you or this organisation. Who on earth will scamm or dupe or what ever you call them will use his or her real name, address, photographs and his passport to scamm. For Christ sake why have you choosen to scandalize my innocent name. This is crazy, is like am initiated, every day i see myself writing to people who cannot say anything good about me how on earth will i use my money, spend my time writ and compose a song to HRH in the name of scammer or what ever you call them, dont i know music studio's out there that are looking for unusual lyrics of songs for assessment, also how can i be a scammer at the same time have the God's to see whom i honoured. Now i know that it was intentionally you lied to me that am coming to london unther the auspices of her majesty, Lady Agatha you lead me into booking of ticket, passport, visa and all the money spent in the name to come over, was to frustrate innocent child and put him into debt, someone who honoured the good works of your Princess and more to come as far as music chat is concern. I might not real be blessed through this organisation but the truth is you cant stop whom God has choosen to bless. My late mum brought us up in God fearing way, please lady Agatha kindly take your time and read Esther chapter 5, 6 and 7 is very brife. Cheers, Prince Charles. [The cited chapters deal with the intrigue of Haman against Esther's uncle Mordecai, and Esther's attempt to turn things around by appealing to her sweetie Ahasuerus, that nice Persian king. We are not sure how this is relevant to the matter at hand, but no doubt Prince Charles will enlighten us.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', I do not know what is worse; your embarrassing attempts to continue your scam or your whining attempts to justify it. You, 'Charles', are beneath contempt. I am not sure how much money you earn from your illegal activities but let me tell you that this Office holds you in the lowest esteem possible. However, as I outlined earlier, Her Royal Highness has indicated that she wishes to continue modalities. She is a kind and trusting sort. We, however, are not, and will be dissuading her at every opportunity from giving you a penny. Have no fear, 'Charles' - we are watching you with interest. A Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' FRANKLY IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF YOU SIMPLY OWN UP AND GET LOST_AT LEAST THEN YOU MAY RETREIVE A TINY CRUMB OF CREDIBILITY AS YOU DEPART WITH YOUR TAIL BETWEEN YOUR LEGS_WE ARE KEEPING CLOSE TABS ON DANIEL ENECHE AND AS YOU ARE SIMPLY A LOW-LEVEL SCAMMER YOU ARE OF LITTLE INTEREST TO US BEYOND THESE MODALITIES_I SUGGEST YOU SPEAK TO YOUR VILLAGE ELDERS AND CONSIDER THIS_IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?? - AGENT STROGANOV Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Am not demanding any money from you niether this organisation all am asking this organisation is to please kindly help me to come over and work on my album while the profit therefrom will be shared to wit : 50 / 50 i think is my major target and nothing else and share some of my vission with this organisation. Please Lady Agatha kindly do me a favour , stop addressing me as a scammer because am not one niether will i be please. I will so much appreciate that honour. We have gone so far that we need to see face to face and what not. Remain Cool, Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your note. You only recently asked Princess Margaret for $400. How is this not demanding money? Nothing you say will change our views. Now just get on with what Her Royal Highness has asked, as we are getting rather tired of you to say the least. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' ONE THING_INTEL REPORTS THAT YOUR BIBLICAL REFERENCES PURPORT TO THE OLD TESTAMENT_THIS WOULD INDICATE THAT YOU ARE JEWISH RATHER THAN THE DEVOUT CHRISTIAN YOU CLAIM TO BE_WOULD YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN THIS???_NO DOUBT YOU WILL OFFER US MORE PATHETIC LIES BUT WE WOULD BE INTERESTED TO HEAR YOUR SCAMMERS' VIEW ON THIS MATTER REMAIN BLESSED - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_MOSCOW OFFICE Lady Agatha: Dear Agent Munglers, Thank you for your excellent work with Prince Charles. Out of curiosity, I asked Intel to research Aphex Twin. It is not a place but a group of musicians. Very well then, I ordered, please send me a sample of their work. After all, one does enjoy the sound of a string quartet, or some chamber music. A copy of 'Come To Daddy' was sent - a somewhat bizarre title but one is duty bound to try these things. Agent Munglers, this vile cacophony is possibly the most evil piece of music ever composed. If you and Fujiwara spend your leisure time listening to this, may I suggest that you make an appointment with the Royal physician, Dr. Shipman as soon as you are able. As ever A Phil Munglers Mr Charlie You talk and talk and talk about being a musician and yet we've not heard note one from you as yet. I have asked, very reasonably I might add, for your own unique interpretation of Aphex Twin's "Come To Daddy" and thus far you have not even acknowledged this request, much less recorded and published it. Put your fingers to use on a MUSICAL keyboard instead of the crumb-covered computer keyboard in your local cyber cafe. Get "Come To Daddy" listened to, learned, appreciated and then recorded. It is a beautiful piece of work as I am sure Lady Agatha will confirm. Do it NOW, for gods sake. I already told you I have a lot of money and could make this worth your while. Phil Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I really appreciate hearing from you. But am not still satisfied the way you treated me, Lady Agatha if am 419 as you said i cant give you my real name, my direct residencial address, my real picture and my mobile phone number. Lady Agatha the truth is, sometime you have to be on your own, once you are dependant to anyone he or she controls you simply because he finance you, left with me the way i sounded to this organisation late i wouldnt have done that. It was my sponsor Mr David who lead me into this shit. All am asking is please give me one more chance to apologised or please remove my name from internate because of future purpose. And before God and man grandpa died, i can give you my matana home address to verify and for the music am the writ and the composer with my backup Mr Ikechukwu Chikwendu i didnt steal it, it was produce at enugu : NAME OF PRODUCER : ENG EMMA STUDION NAME : PURE SOUND THERE ADDRESS : GOLDEN GATE PRESENTIAL ROAD ENUGU, NIGERIA. I know you wont believe me but the truth is am innocent, i was miss lead by my Sponsor it wasnt intentional to sound rud to this organisation. All am asking you please give me the chance to apologised, am so sorry it was Mr David who keep preasurizing me to sound treating to this organisation, all he could do today was to apply for the retrivement of his British Airways payment. This world is a mistry know one helps the needy. However, i somehow have clear concence because i did not come to dupe anyone, all am asking is for forgiveness the way i sounded to this organisation it wast intentional. Remain bless. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Prince Charles, Thank you for your note. It is, as always, extremely amusing to hear from you. I must say, I am impressed with your persistence. We both know that the picture and passport are stolen or cut out from a magazine - the oldest trick in the 419 book. You are neither street-smart or intelligent enough to be a top-tier scammer and your "sponsor" is simply a higher-level scammer who will set you up for a cut of your future (illegal) earnings. You, sir, are a crook and a criminal. We both know it. In fact, you could crawl away with an amoeba-sized piece of credit if you'd just admit it. Perhaps we can persuade you to come over to the good side and you can assist us in running down your former colleagues. If you want to keep scamming, be off with you. But I advise that you find an honest line of work because, young man, you are not cut out for the criminal life. Prince Charles Subject: AM CONFUSED Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 Dear Princess Margaret, Come to think of it, i dedicate you my first song titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " without any reward from you at the same time you want me to dedicate you another song with my own money again. Your Highness am not a mugu as you think, am only trying to work with this organisation. I rather send my songs together with the rededicated one titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " and send it to Hollyword Music Stars Production and signup their contract and expect my royalties than chasing shadow this New Year. I thank God i have not share my NGO project with you, because the whole thing now look suspicious, how can a Princess find it difficult to pay $ 200 to work on her song. And finanly may i remind you am not into any agreement with you concerning all the songs i sent to this organisation. Goodday, Cheers, Prince Charles. Prince Charles Subject: THINK OVER THIS PLEASE Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 Dear Princess Margaret, I think am only intrested to work with your organisation, why dont you give me a trial and see if i will delieve your consignment or not, afteral i send the first song without demanding any money from you. Believe me i have NGO project that can fetch us Billions of US Dollars with your connections over there, please let's work hand to hand and achieve our aims. The name of my NGO project is World Peace Rebirth Organisation ( WPRO ) which i have my proposal to present to UN for Aproval. With all this song dedicated to you you are in the position to present our proposal for assessment and i strongly believe they will give it to you. I have also written another song titled " GRASSROOT OF LOVE " which is destined for our campagin for this project to make peace regin all over the world. Believe me last night i have a dream all United Nation gathered and make you Queen of the world for making peace regin all over the world. Consider my idea i valued this project than that of the music please. Cheers. Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I happy to receive and listen to this new effort 'GRASSROOT OF LOVE', as no doubt will Mr Freze, who is impatient to proceed as We previously have discussed. However, Mr Tossov has kindly suggested a new song title which you may wish also to take up: GET ON WITH IT MAN. We still await the Smegaroon anthem I believe? MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles To: Mikhail Stroganov, Lady Agatha, Princess Margaret, Tushie Meshuganah, Phil Munglers Subject: ACCUSER Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 HRH Princess Margaret Prince Charles How is your little song coming along? I see a lot of native truculence each time I have the servants check my in box, but little actual movement - and we so want to get this business done and what not. Indeed your last message to Me contained no message at all? MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Catching up on January 24th, 2007: Mikhail Stroganov YOUR HIGHNESS PRINCESS MARGARET I MUST URGE YOU ONCE AGAIN TO PLEASE STUDY THE E-MAILS SENT FROM MYSELF AND LADY AGATHA_FOR GODS SAKE MA'AM THIS MAN IS A SHIFTY CHARLATAN WHO IS ASKING FOR MONEY YET AGAIN AND I MUST WARN YOU IN THE STRONGEST TERMS POSSIBLE THAT THIS MAN IS ONLY GOING TO LEAD YOU TO RACK AND RUIN_IF YOU MUST INSIST ON GOING ABOUT THIS RECKLESS BUSINESS PLEASE AT LEAST ALLOW US TO HANDLE THE FINANCIAL MODALITIES MA'AM_PERHAPS YOURSELF LADY AGATHA AND I CAN DISCUSS THIS OVER LUNCH AT BOWDEN'S TOMORROW?? - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV [And again Stroganov tries to make Princess Margaret see things his way:] Mikhail Stroganov YOUR HIGHNESS PRINCESS MARGARET PLEASE FORGIVE US FOR LABOURING THE POINT_BUT WE HAVE NEW EVIDENCE REGARDING THE SCAM ARTIST CALLING HIMSELF 'PRINCE CHARLES' AS IF OUR PRIOR EVIDENCE WASN'T ENOUGH BEFORE MA'AM_ATTACHED IS PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF THE SCAM ARTIST 'CHARLES' ACTIVELY PLOTTING THE EVENTS LEADING TO THE BOWDEN AFFAIR_IT WAS TAKEN BY THE COVERT AGENT KNOWN AS CHUNKYE CADBURYS_THE OTHER RATHER COMPROMISING PICTURE WAS TAKEN OF 'PRINCE CHARLES' IN HIS LEISURE TIME IN ENUGU STATE IN NIGERIA_PRINCESS MARGARET WE URGE YOU WITH THE MOST URGENCY POSSIBLE NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH THIS CROOKED CRIMINAL AS IT WILL ONLY LEAD YOU ON THE ROAD TO RUIN_RESPECTFULLY, AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_MOSOCOW OFFICE [Two pics were attached. The first is of a most incriminating nature, being a Lad seated with a sign stating "I LOVE HUMPIN BOIS". This raises serious doubts about the whole enterprise. The second shows some men standing around another man who resembles Stephen Hawking, only in better physical health. They are looking at a book. One does not know what to make of this, but no doubt they are plotting some dastardly scheme. Not knowing the exact origins of these pics, we omit them for now.] [Meanwhile Prince Charles responds to Phil:] Prince Charles I like challenge and i will only prove myself to you when i come over. Star is always a star and among the stars, there are star. I saty by moon to possess my own divin light, that is to say our almighty God is the giver of talent. Cheers Prince Charles Nwaimo. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', Your dubious talents as a 419 scammer are so poor as to make a chimpanzee laugh. We will miss the end of the world if we wait long enough for you to obtain any proof whatsoever that you are anything other than a criminal. A Prince Charles Dear Stronganov, The Bible cannot be contracdicted as you do unto men so shall men do unto you. And the bible also say that a man's gift maketh room for him and bring him befor great men of the world, you need to know more about me and see my divin gifts and vision for this organisation and not by accusation, blackmail and lies just to stop destiny child. Note while i'm meditating about the rich young ruler King David' i recalled how he was playing his loneful songs in the wilderness and his destiny was crying out for an expression just like mine. But a day came by, he was invited to sing for King Saul and David found Favour in the sight of the King that mark in his new begining eating and riding with the existing Royal family, befor his Kingship come through. Please Mr Accuser kindly accept my loyalty befor her Magesty cox i wonna rid with this organisation with the vission the almighty God has place in my life for HRH Princess Margaret which you need to see to believe. However, i love you all for everything, you all indeed bought the best out of me, you have thought me how to be patient and persistence because persistent is the mother of success. From now on, you people will always be my best friend to cleave ou heads stronger with passion to rebuild our world with the vision i have for this organisation. Give me the chance and see the best of Prince Charles Nwaimo. Loving Regards. Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' I WOULD RATHER STICK PINS IN MY EYES BEFORE BEING ANY KIND OF FRIEND OF YOURS_YOUR SEMI-RELIGIOUS BLITHERING BLUSTER MIGHT BE AMUSING BUT IT CUTS NO ICE WITH ME I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT - S Phil Munglers Charlie boy Your theological guff is not going to smokescreen your utter refusal to do as I have asked of you. God's wrath is as nothing compared to mine, son, so unless you want several kinds of hell inserted up your backside you had better start paying attention to me. Provide me with your damn version of Come To Daddy this instant or I will send Takumi and Gaijimata over there to get medieval on your lazy, conniving ass. And do it quickly, I have a Professor Charles Soludo who has written to me for help... he seems far more gathered than you do, he even sent me his passport photograph. Baka! Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: REVIEW OF OUR ROVIOUS CONTEXT* Mum, With due respect to your organisation. I got your mail and it's contents are well understood. Please, kindly recall the scholarship that was proposed to me inicially with the knowledge you already had on the neccessary original signed documents you ought to send through postage asto inhance my visa. Consequently Mum i will do the song for you with other best tracks on CD and meet with Daddy Freze Yo live having him remaster mymaiden R & B / Balad songs therein sign a music contract, cox i believe my brandof music can be far more marketed in the western world expercially in UK. Above all, to give you a long awaited hug and a juicy peck for being there for me Mum !!! I love you Mum. Thanks in anticipation. Warm regards. Prince Charles. [*Possibly a reference to Karl Rove, which would make a sinister kind of sense.] HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles We are eagerly anticipating this effort of yours, the effect of which I am sure will be to put your abilities beyond doubt in everyone's minds. When can we expect it? This whole whole affair has rather dragged on and the Smegaroon hit parade awaits. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Mikhail Stroganov MA'AM I MUST PROTEST_THIS FOULLY SLY SYCOPHANTIC EMAIL FROM THE 419 SCAMMER 'CHARLES' MADE US FEEL NAUSEOUS_YOUR HIGHNESS SURELY YOU CAN SEE THAT THE CRIMINAL 'CHARLES'' EMAIL HERE CONTAINS CLASSIC 419 SCAMMERS' TERMINOLOGY_IE REFERRING TO YOU AS 'MUM' AND SAYING THAT YOUR EMAIL'S 'CONTENTS ARE WELL UNDERSTOOD'_I URGE YOU TO PULL OUT OF THESE MODALITIES WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME TO DO SO_IF YOU FEEL THAT THE POLITICAL FALLOUT WILL BE TOO MUCH AGENT SHEVCHENKO IS ON STANDBY WITH SNIPERS AND A SNATCH SQUAD_PLEASE ADVISE US_RESPECTFULLY YOURS - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_MOSCOW OFFICE Prince Charles Your Highness, Why do you find it difficult to believe me ? Am back to Enugu, all this while i have been seeing friends to help me with some money so that i can work on the song but none of them responds. Please Your Highness, what can i do at this point ? I look forward to hear from you. Thanks in anticipation. Loving Regard. Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Charles My dear fellow the answer is simple, even for a native chap: let us have your latest musical composition as final proof of your mettle and you undoubtedly will quickly get what you deserve. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC February... Prince Charles To: Princess Margaret Subject: TO PRINCESS MARGARET Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2007 Your Highness, With due respect to your organisation. I got your mail and it's contents where well understood. Your highness you did not show any appreciation on my first song dedicate to you titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " so the trust is no longer there, i suggest you kindly consider my two options. first, i prefer you send for me and Mr Ikechukwu Chikwendu my backup to come over and work on the song and my ful album over there. Second, you can wish we go into negotiation on how much you will pay me for the song, with a deposit of 40% while the remaining 60% will be paid as soon as you recieve the song, i think is the only way to build this trust. However, i hereby attach my NGO project and it's campaigning song tited " GRASSROOT OF PEACE " for your assessment. " GRASSROOT OF PEACE " Written by : Prince Charles Nwaimo Talkings : World powers Your wish is our command We dont need war anymore All we need is peace Princess Margaret What do you think we need For peace to regin All over the world ? I think all we need Is back to grassroot of peace To revolutionalize our world By the help of UN. Stop the war ( military background ) Chorus : Grassroot of peace Is all we need For peace to regin All over the world Solo : All we need is love For peace to regin I think is time For lion to lay down with lamb Cox i can hear the piteous cry Of the children The mournings of the youths The silent grudges When ever there's war It melts my heart People weary Wondering what the morning would bring People dieing Children crying There thought turn to death What a life worse than death World powers We dont need war anymore All we need is peace Chorus : Grassroot of peace Is all we need For peace to regin All over the world Solo : Grassroot of peace Is all we need No more war No more crisis No more discrimination No more hatred Religion or not religion We are one in God sight Let's join hands together And say no to war Chorus : Grassroot of peace Is all we need For peace to regin All over the world Solo : In our world today When you think Of peacemakers Mother of peace Think of Princess Margaret Her loyalty to people Is unbelieveable Despite her position She is loving, caring and kind The founder of United Nation World Peace Rebirth For we to have peace And celebrate peace All over the world. MY PROPOSAL ON CAMPAIGN FOR UNITED NATION WORLD PEACE REBIRTH (UNWPR )FOR YOUR ASSESSMENT AND TO REPACKAGE IT FOR UN FOR ADOPTION AS THE FOUNDER. BACKGROUND : We have observed with kin interest the untiring effort of the United Nations and other peace-loving international organisations towards the search for and maintenance of world peace. We have also noted the ever increasing challenges especially in recent times in realizing these noble goals and objectives. The sudden upsurge in the level, scale, tactics and sophistication of terrorist attacks and regional wars is worrisome and quite unacceptable to civilized society like ours. The "September 11" terror unleashed on humanity couple with similar attacks all point to the need for urgent solution. A significant observation made by our team is that most if not all of the suicide bombers and child soliders used were recruited from very tender ages. The terror perpetrators had capitalized on the innocence of such young children and indoctrinated them into believing in the justification for their terrorist activities. We strongly believe that terror can be curbed and that the entire world can be given a rebirth into peace if only the right orientation, training, propaganda and other neccessary education can be packaged by professionals and directed to the right target population namely the world youths. However all of these should be employed at the right time throughout the world simultaneously taking cognizance of the languages, values and cultures of each sub-grouping within the target population. The above stated argument therefore informed the decision of our team comprising well-meaning and peace loving London to contribute its quota towards this project which we have code-named " UNITED NATION WORLD PEACE REBIRTH " The team includes reputable, credible, committed and result oriented individuals like : Queen Elizabeth Princess Margaret Prince Charles Nwaimo Lady Agatha Bristol. The reason for choice of the United Nation to champion our course of action is not far fetched : You are principally championing the course for world peace through your various agencies in your commitment to make the world conducive for harmonious living. You have demonstrated your resolve and will to bring peace back to the international community at acceptable costs. We therefore see you as willing and able to lead the entire to peace-rebirth using every means acceptable and available to ensure that a legacy of peace is bequeathed to our children and those yet unbone. OUR CONCEPT : It is easier to flex a living fish than a dry one. The adults of this generation like dry fish have a midset hardened by wars and conflicts. As the children of today are the adults of tomorrow, their soft and yet unpolluted mind can be postively impacted upon to get it imbibe the culture of peace. If the children population at primary, secondary ( High ) school and tertiary institutions are educated to appreciate and embrace peace, and to see peaceful negotiation as the best option in resolving differences, there will be hope of greater tomorrow standing solidly on pedestal of peace. OBJECTIVES / AIM : Total eradication of war, terrorism, child solidering and the like worldwide to insure peace. That global peace that is durable is attained in no distant time with minimal effort. The " song of Hiawatha " by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow captures the above aim in the above aim in the following lines: " Buried was the bloody hatchet; Buried was the deadful war-club ; Buried were all war-like weapon ; And the war-cry was forgotten, Then was peace among the nations". PROPOSED STRATEGY (1) Resource Center : It is proposed that a cell or resource center be extablished as an organ or part of an existing organ of the United Nations where a team of exports will be assembled from time to time from different parts of the world to develop and coordinate related projects on the subject. (2) Educational Curriculum on Peace : New subject curriculum will be developed to be incorporated into existing primary, secondary and tertiary institutions and made mandatory for all countries of our world. (3) Songs and Lyrics : These will be developed and translated into various languages as a form of propaganda to appeal to the minds of all - both young and and old. Though this medium, the dividends of peaceful co-existence and religious tolerance would be propagated. An example of such has been developed by a Nigerian musician talent, Prince Charles Nwaimo. Through this medium, the various language and cultural groupings would be reached with a view to suiting their already battered psyche due to wars, rumours of war, conflicts, terrorism, hunger and deprivation. On continuous basis, lyrics will be put in place to mirror the mood of the nations in their consummate zest for the ideals of peace and democracy and all the props for its defence, sustenance and continuity. (4) Film Production : Films highlighting the negative impact of war, violence and terrorism of all forms will be developed. These will be shot in all schools around the world to influence and affect the minds of youths and relevant target group towards peace. (5) Peace Anthem : We have the vision of giving the world a peace anthem which would be recited and sang daily in all schools around the world by all children of school age. (6) Training, Conferences and Seminars : The above will be organized from time to time to foster peace through its impact in the eradication of racial/colour/gender discrimination at tender age. (7) Propaganda : We will not fail to develop and utilize any other way of propaganda in passing the message of peace across the diaspora. (8) Sponsorship of bills : This team will sponsor bills to be enacted as part of UN conventions aimed at sensitizing member nations against terrorism, war and violence projected towards enhancing world peace through legal instruments among member nations. (9) Collaboration with United Nations : We would like to actualize this vision under the auspices of the United Nations as a strategy for the following reasons :- (a) As a team, accessing all the countries of the world and making them subscribe to all these would take an unduly and unacceptable length of time. The programme would then not yield the desired effect in making impact within a reasonable short time. (b) Only the United Nations has what it takes to persuade, encourage and enforce the adoption of this vision by its member nations and to drive home the needed impact within the required time-frame. EXPECTATIONS FROM THE CAMPAIGN A summary of the expectations from the campaign is given as follows :- (a) Eradication of war from the root. (b) Inculcation of peaceful co-existence as a way life among the nations. (c) Promotion of religious and socio-political tolerance. (d) Preservation of life of future generation. (e) Elimination of child abuse incident upon child soldiering, child terrorism, sucide of bombings etc (f) Deflation of the balloon terrorism. (g) Increased awareness of the superiority of peace over war. (h) Churning out tested and healthy future leaders in general and form the middle East in particular. (i) Increased awareness of the danger of rebelling against United Nations objestives. (j) Appreciation of the seriousness of the United Nations towards the well being of other nations. PLEA FOR ADOPTION We do reflect with soberness and sense of duty the following quotaions by our fathers : Pope John Paul ll ( Karol Wojtyla ) - " War should belong to the tragic past in history. It should find no place on humanity's agenda for the future " ( Coventry, 1982 ). John F. Kennedy - " mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind " ( United Nations, 1961 ). Benjamin Franklin - " There never was a good war or a bad peace " ( Letter, 1973 ). Jesus Christ :- " Blessed are the peace makers for they shall be called the children of God ". ( Mathew 6:9 Holy Bible ). The list is inexhaustible. Mankind has always demonstrated his longing for peace throughout the ages. As no sacrifice made to attain world peace can be considered too much, it is our prayer that this proposal, be considered by your good self for adoption. As vision deal with time moreso as a stich in time saves nine, we consider now the right time for this move but subject to your adoption for implementation. In dedication to last peace in our world, to posterity and to our fathers whose golden footprints still glow on the sands of time. Yours Faithfully, HRH PRINCESS MARGARET The founder. HRH Princess Margaret My Dear Charles Many thanks for this latest message. I am very surprised that you should suggest that we did not appreciate your first song as it has being a constant favourite with the servants during their silver polishing hour as I believe I have mentioned before. It has also been played on my own hi fi on occasion, as brief interlude between the Smegaroon Marching Band under Our very own Col Brudenell (his latest, a delicate arrangement of These Boots Were Made for Walking, being an especial favourite of mine) As for your suggestions, of course my dear chap, We would be delighted to see both yourself and Mr Chickenwanka and can make rush matting, spear stands, face paint and so on available at short notice. I believe that if you wished to stay in court rooms then Lord Bovril, our Royal Accomodations Officer would be the chap to speak with, but I think he wrote to you some time ago offering advice with less than 100% success? We have read through your NGO project and what not and to be sure it is a perfectly charming effort, but We would not subscribe to having Our names attached to it unless We are completely sure of its originator and his pedigree. Please remove it even in draft form as it is mightily presumptuous. I know that My operatives have had their doubts, many of which have been expressed to you with forthright and loyal alarm. Some of these are no doubt exaggerated, others come with distressing photographic evidence, the worries of which the greatily anticipated arrival of your new song will, We hope, go a long way to ease. Please make every effort to decide once and for all how you wish to proceed. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles 26 Jan 2007 Your Highness, Thanks alot for your mail. First of all Your Highness, am the founder and the writer of this NGO project for United Nation World Peace Rebirth ( UNWPR ). This inspiration came up when i wrot a song titled " HEAR THE CRYING OF THE NEEDY ", and i put down my writups since Jun last year, i have even forgoten about this NGO project, untill the inspiration to writ on " GRASSROOT OF PEACE " cameup. While i send this project to you for assessment is nothing but the dream i have of recent which i told you that all the United Nations join hands together and crown you Queen of the world for making peace regin all over the world. Actually, this NGO project was edited and repackaged with some writups by CC paradise. The truth about this NGO project is that the vision therein is bigger than me but after my dreams which i know will deffenectly come through is why decided to open up to your organisation so that we can work hand to hand to actualize my visions on humanity and is time to say no to war all over the world, please believe me am the founder. Your Highness, to actualize this vission i prefer to come over for this organisation to believe me, the only problem we will have to come over is nothing but ticket fee, i must be plain to you. However, send the invitaion letter for the both of us to inhance our visa through DHL for safty purpose with the below address : PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA WEST AFRICA. With love and unity lets join hands together and heal the world. Thanks in anticipating. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I am familiar with your shanty town address from several other occasions, but thank you for reminding Us. Just as soon as We have that new song of yours, with its charming interpretation (we earnestly assume) rolling out over the speakers in my rooms then We can talk about letters of introduction and what not. Do hurry along my dear fellow now, or I will be forced to agree with Mr Tossov about your congenital lassitude. Kind regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Mikhail Stroganov YOUR HIGHNESS WHILST WE ARE PLEASED TO SEE THAT YOU ARE AT LAST SHOWING SOME CAUTION OVER THIS TORTUOUS TRANSACTION WITH THE SCAMMER 'CHARLES' WE ARE ALARMED THAT YOU ARE PREPARING TO MEET HIM WITHOUT CONSULTING US ON YOUR PERSONAL SECURITY_HOWEVER I HAVE BRIEFED LADY AGATHA AND AGENT SHEVCHENKO WHO WILL RESPOND ACCORDINGLY MA'AM_RESPECTFULLY YOURS AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_MOSCOW OFFICE Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Your Highness, indeed it is good that you seem slightly wary of 'Charles' - and with good reason. However, if I may, ma'am, you cannot be reckless with your personal security. Inviting these despicable criminals to London could be dangerous. I doubt that they have even used running water before, let alone knowing which fork to use. And we do not wish to have the Richard crockery damaged, frankly. It was such a bother to replace the last set when Agent Coulibaly was here with his rather garish entourage of witch doctors and whatnot. Terrible smell, too, if memory serves. With this in mind, I am ordering Agent Shevchenko to go to CSTRD 1 Alert. Standard sidearms please. You are responsible for Princess Margaret's personal security. See that this is your top priority. Agent Miracsky can look after Mrs. Abacha. Igor Shevchenko Lady Agatha and Agent Stroganov, Agent Shevchenko here. Sitrep re HRH security is now at optimum level per your orders. I am flying over from Smegaroon this evening. Full armaments have been secured and the custard codewords have been exchanged between myself and Agents Munglers and Stroganov. My standard sidearms apply: Beretta pistol, Remington 12-gauge shotgun, M1A grenade launcher, Bowden Knife and KZ-DTZ Assault Rifle. Will make contact when I arrive in London. ETA 5 hours. Shevchenko out Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Princess Margaret, It was, as always, most instructive and interesting to see you at Bowden's for lunch today. The custard was superb, don't you think? Having discussed these modalities, and we are here to serve, it would appear from 'Charles'' latest missive that he is either simply wasting time to come up with a ruse to ask for more money, or trying to do same stupid forms and fake organisations. As you know, we advise extreme caution and per our meeting I would ask that we handle all covert financial aspects of this transaction. Additionally, Agent Shevchenko is in London, on my orders, to act as your personal bodyguard should 'Charles' ever manage to bribe his way over here. As ever, A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Dont you think Is time you have a rethink over humanity, for peace to regin all over the world through this NGO project. I suggest this organisation should pay me through Nigerian EFCC since none of you trust me to enable me work on the NGO song titled " GRASSROOT OF PEACE " for the campagin of United Nation World Peace Rebirth ( UNWPR ) which will make you and i more popular and fetch us millions of dollas . Lady Agatha, am not bribing my way to london. I dont even need to come to london now, i can do the song here and send it acrose to this organisation to remaster it over there. By the time my song is been aired two times through CNN UN will send for me, beside a mans gift maketh room for him and bring him before great men of the world. However, Lady Agatha in anyway i have offend you please forgive me and lets keep away discrimination, hatred and join hands together and make peace regin all over the world through this NGO project. Thanks inanticipation. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles' Thank you for your note. No, I do not think it is time for a rethink. In fact, your brazen attempt to hide behind some sort of spurious project as much as you like; it only deepens our contempt for you. Just get on with whatever Her Highness wants. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thank you for your note. Actually, what HRH needs from me now is the song which i will deffenectly work on without any delay as soon as she accept my conditions. I dont want to be used anymore. Unless this organisation wants to buy my idea then we can go into negotiation, i think is a deal. To peace and good leaving in our world. Cheers, Prince Charles Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles' (or whatever moniker you are using today), I trust you are well, happily scamming away in Festac Town. As I said before, just get on with it, there's a good criminal chap. Prince Charles HAVE A RETHINK YOU ARE NOT TALKING TO A BABY, THIS MAIL HAVE NO REGARD. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Indeed not. Rather we are corresponding with a 419 scammer. But you knew that. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' YOU MALODOUROUS CRETINOUS 419 CRIMINAL_JUST GET ON WITH IT FOR GODS SAKE_FOR SOME REASON HRH STILL WISHES TO PERSIST WITH THESE MODALITIES SO I SUGGEST YOU DO AS SHE ASKS INSTEAD OF SENDING THESE STUPID STROPPY SINGLE-LINE EMAILS_USELESS ELEMENT Prince Charles Your Highness, AmAm really sorry, i dont think you are the right person to use for this NGO project. Because even if i happened to work on the song and send it across to you. You will still use me, accused me and dump me as usual. Meanwhile, kindly withdraw from any transactions so far made i have gotten the right person who is intrested to buy my idea and they are ready to pay in 40% now and pay in the remaining 60% as soon as they adopt the NGO project, not only that they also promise to make me their African branch President what else am i looking for. Please i beg you in the name of God backoff, i will pay this organisation 10% of the total sum as soon as i recieve the first payment which this organisation will deffenectly know. Thanks for your understanding. In commitment to peace and good leaving in our world. Yours Truly, Prince Charles Nwaimo Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Whilst we are delighted that this development means that you will hawk your pathetic 419 scam elsewhere, we do not believe for a millisecond that any of this was anything but a poorly-implemented, tired old con-trick. Your final throw of the dice is amusing as it is desperate. In the rather vernacular words of Agent Stroganov, take your stupid ruse and shove it. Mugu. Yours, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles YES I HAVE HEARED WHAT I WANT TO HEAR, YOU BLOODY CHEATERS Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Your spluttering invective may well entertain us, but it just proves our point. That you seek to portray yourself as a victim in this affair is, frankly, sickening. Run along now to your next scam-target, there's a good chap. [But 'Prince Charles' doesn't give up.] Prince Charles MAY ALMIGHTY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOU IN JESUS NAME. YOU AND I WHO IS SCAMER, YOU STEAL BY TRICK AND AT THE SAME TIME ACCUSE THE CONCERNEER. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your blessing, which is about as welcome as a scorpion in one's undergarments. We are very pleased that you did not receive a penny from Her Royal Highness, and we wish you all the very worst of luck in your loathsome endeavours. Prince Charles NOISE MAKER, WHEN WILL STOP MAKING NOISE. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' YOU DERANGED DIM-WITTED DUNDERHEADED DRONGO_WE WILL NOT CEASE OUR OPERATIONS AGAINST YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DRIVEN BACK TO THE HOLE YOU CAME FROM_NOW GET LOST BEFORE AGENT SHEVCHENKO EMBARKS ON SOME SPECIAL OPERATIONS OF HIS OWN Prince Charles Only God will justify me and this organisation, i have hand over everything to God because i cant fight any of you. Let God reward me with evil if i have ever plan any evil against this organisation and if i have not planed any evil and you keep blackmailing me Lady Agatha God of Vengers will reward you with evils and you shall not no peace. However, as soon as i get money i will still do the song and send it to this organisation. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', It seems that you still - *still* - do not understand what is happening here. You will not receive any money. You are a criminal. A 419 scammer. What part of that do you not understand? ... updated feb 11 2007 ... Prince Charles still not giving up ... Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, The hour has come for God's intervention, as i said befor i cant fight any of you. Could you please tell me what makes me a criminal or 419 scammer as you said before God and man, is it by dedicating your Princess a song without any reward at the same time send her some of my songs in her honour with my NGO project for her assessment is it what makes me a criminal. Am not surprise with your words because i know is not the first niether the second accusation just to do away with my idea. Mind you what ever we do on this earth we have questions to answer befor the almighty God on judgement day and what will it benefit you all to gain the whole world and loss your lifes, i think this organisation needs repentance. However, if is a mistake i have already made it by trusting you people. Is not the end of the road for me, instead you people make me strong to go on and wax my songs to the rightful people. Once again, for stealling my ideas that took me years to put it down none of you shall no peace untill you confess and give your life to christ, begining from today the land you walk shall trouble you, the air you breat shall trouble you, the food you eat shall trouble you and condemnation is your potion says the lord. Very soon the whole world will know your evil ways of stealing from people. Soonest you will see to believe no one use me and go free, i have strong spirit and anytime is broken things most happen just watchout. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your note. Your constant self-justification for your 419 scamming is becoming rather concerning. I suppose the old adage applies: if you repeatedly tell the same lie, not only will you hope that people believe it, but you will start to believe it yourself. We have outlined why you are a 419 scammer time and again. If you really must know why: i) You email us anonymously, from Nigeria. ii) You ask for money (by Western Union) to help fund your imaginary 'music project'. iii) You describe yourself as a Prince, like so many others of your number - Prince, Doctor, Barrister, Chief, Bank Manager... iv) You talk about God all the time - when it suits your nefarious purposes. v) You claim to have a dying relative - either as a diversionary tactic or to illicit sympathy. Either way, it is nauseating. vi) You have referred to Her Royal Highness as 'Mum' - a common trick by 419 scammers looking to ingratiate themselves with their superiors. And you say 'Remain blessed'. Is that not enough? Yours ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles LET THE WILL OF GOD OF VENGERS BE DONE AND REWARD US ACCORDING TO OUR EVIL WORKS AND KILL THE GUILTY WITHOUT ANY DELAY IN JESUS NAME I PRAY, AMEN. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for another bizarre and frankly rather pathetic e-mail. If your God is going to kill the evil, then I should start worrying if I were you. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I must to apologised to this organisation to please forgive me in anyway i sounded rong, sometimes when preasure is much, you can loss concentration and sound stupid. Truely, i have been on praying and fasting all this while asking God where did i go rong and now i realised that am the cause of everything. I know is had to trust but you have to trust someone. The question is what do i do for this organisation to trust me at least for once. How i wish i have the money to do the song which HRH ask me to do, honestly i would have done it, but the truth is i dont have the money, i keep saying the truth but no one believes me, why ? Ulton John single sound track titled " CANDLE IN THE WIND " dedicated to late Princess Diana of walse is the highest sold sigle sound track all over the world. But HRH Princess Margaret is still alife why dont you air the single sound track titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " which i dedicate to her and send me only $ 200 to enable me work on " GRASSROOT OF PEACE " for my NGO project and send it across to you since i dont have money. You all should understand that i have really suffered, debts is all over me and no means to pay. I cant even design my ways anymore, each time tears of pains keep runing out of my eye wondering what the morning would bring. Am not saying this for you to sympathise me but to understand how i feel. Please i need your help. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Prince Charles', As our man in the United States would no doubt say: nice try. Your continual begging and lying is, frankly, pathetic. I find it amazing how you have not moved on - have you not harvested enough email addresses this month? Let me repeat my earlier advice: you are not cut out for criminal life, young man, that should be obvious. May I suggest that you find honest endeavour elsewhere; you may even have heard of it. It's where you work each day, and at the end of the month you receive a sum of money. You are even entitled to holidays, where, no doubt, you will try to ply your noxious trade. It just goes to show that youth is indeed wasted on the young. Yours ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles I KNOW IS HAD TO BELIEVE, HOW I WISH AM A CRIMINAL AS YOU SAID THAT WOULD HAVE HELP ME A LOT YHIS TIME OF MY NEED. IS OK THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE, IF IS A MISTAKE BY KNOWING THIS ORGANISATION I HAVE ALREADY MADE IT. AT LEAST I HAVE LEARN A GREAT LESSON OF MY LIFE, NEVER NOT TO TRUST ANYONE. PRINCESS MARGARET, ACTUALLY I DONT KNOW YOU TOO WELL BUT DURING MY FASTING AND PRAYERS GOD REVIEW TO ME WHY YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT TO HAVE YOUR OWN BABY. PLEASE STOP USING PEOPLE GOD IS NOT HAPPY WITH YOU AND YOUR ORGANISATION. HOWEVER, FROM MY HEART I HAVE REALLY FORGIVEN YOU ALL, GODS TIME IS THE BEST AND MY WUNDED HEART WILL DEFFENECTLY HEAL ONE DAY. ONCE AGAIN I THANK YOU ALL. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Your florid yet vile correspondence ends here with, one hopes, a lesson learnt - that crime does not pay for people like you. Now begone. A Prince Charles FOR CHRIST SAKE WHAT CRIME ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, OH MY CRIME IS WHY DID I DEDICATE A SONG TO YOUR PRINCESS. I HAVE ALREADY CRIED OVER THIS TO ALMIGHTY GOD AND PLEASE LADY AGATHA STOP MAILING ME EACH TIME YOU MAIL ME I SEE MYSELF CRYING AS BIG AS I AM. PLEASE STOP MAILING ME I DONT WANT TO REMEBER ANYTHING ABOUT YOU NIETHER THIS ORGANISATION. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Your crime? Isn't it obvious, old chap? I believe that you are crying into your cheap Festac Town internet cafe coffee because we did not fall for your despicable scam. Now: as Agent Stroganov would say: Get lost. A Prince Charles Lady Agatha you are the reason while i cried almost every day. Will God ever forgive you because you lead me into this debts. Actually, all this while my family dont know anything about this transaction and Mr David my sponsor want to village and tell them about this transaction and that am owing him, all my family could do without consulting me on friday last week was to sell my only potion of land which am to build in future just to pay Mr David. I keep asking God where did i go rong. Lady Agatha why do you choose to pay me back this way ? you once ask me what tea do i favour, knowing not is debt tea you are puting me into, i spent all the night in the music studio the day i dedicate my first song to your Princess titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " and all you are telling me is am crying simply because you did not fall me. God knows if i scam any of you or not. Thank you Lady Agatha, as i said before i cant fight any of you. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Forgive me if I do not have any sympathy for you, because all this nonsense is designed around your greed and criminality. The 'debt' you are in, if it is real, is no doubt owed to the upper-tier 419 scammer who set you up in the first place. They must be desperate to have hired you, is all I can say. I suggest you get a proper job and stop all this ridiculous rambling, because we really do not have time for it, amusing though it is. A ...but it ain't over yet... Prince Charles " A SONG OF PAIN " LADY AGATHA IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE MY HEART AND THE TEARS YOU MADE ME SHADE IF ONLY YOU COULD HEAR MY VOICE JUST ONE MORE TIME EVEN WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES THERE'S A MEANING AT YOUR FACE NOW THAT I REALIZED WHO YOU ARE WHY THE PAINS WHY THE SORROW LADY AGATHA WHY ARE YOU SITTING ON MY DESTINY WHY THE HEARTRED WHY THE RED SEASON WHY DO YOU SWEAR TO WICKED ME WHY THE ACCUSATIONS YOU TURN MY JOY TO SORROW I CANT CLOSE MY EYE WITHOUT SEEING YOU. Lady Agatha if only you could read my heart, you will see that what you think of me is not what i am. It was on 26th jun, 2006. I was pushed out from exam hall when we are writing our second semester exam because of school fees, i was only having one hundred naira that very faithful day when i decided to writ to HRH Princess Margaret, i started with : HEAR THE CRYING OF THE NEEDY HEAR THE CRYING OF THE MEEK SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM THE STREET THE MOTHERLESS AND HOMELESS I lack word that very faithful day, because the whole world was so havey on me since my mum passon. HRH later respond to my mail and ask me to aply for her Charity that is the only way she can be of help, she now ask me will the sum of 20,000 dorks be enough for me to further my education, befor God and man i said yes, i was so exited without knowing that the money she promise to assist me with dose not esisting. Out of happiness i said the only way i can show appreciation to her offer is to dedicate her a special song from my heart, is what brought music into this transaction befor God and man if only she will testify. I take my time and writ " WE WISH YOU THIS " in honour of all her good works. Lady Agatha could you please tell me my crime, i mean what make me a criminal, 419 as you claim. Lady Agatha, i rather die than to use a needy that comes to me for assistance.I sent my NGO project including the campaign song titled " GRASSROOT OF PEACE " for the assessment of this organisation, what do i recieve from you Lady Agatha accusation, blackmail. Is better you do away with my idea than to accuse me of what i have not practice right from my childhold. Last year you lied against me that i planed with one Barrister Charles to do away with the one thousand dorks so that HRH will give me another money, Lady Agatha you are still the same person who say that there's no money called dorks, Tushie made a mistake last time and writ me through the mail box of Joe Kucker addressing me that Joe Kucker will pay me some dorks now tell me you and i who is CRIMINAL am only writing this organisation simply because i strongly believe that we can be of help to each other. Please Lady Agatha take away hatred, if you cut off my vain you wont see black and white but you will see the same blood which you have. God wants to use this organisation to bring me out but you are sitting on my destiny, why ? Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Your email astounds me. Never in all my years of service to HMG have I ever come across such nonsense. Who do you think you are, 'Charles'? You have somehow convinced yourself that you really are a struggling musician. I do not know which is worse - your disgraceful self-deception or your capability for such pathetic lies. [The music business is tough. Will Prince Charles give up and get a day job?] [Not yet...] Prince Charles YES, I HAVE TO SAY HOW I AM Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Your simple email would appear to offer more truth than anything you have said to us over the last seven months. It would seem that you finally - finally - admit to carrying out your nefarious activities. Congratulations, 'Charles'. You have taken your first step towards the right side of the law. Let us see if you can finally find some gainful employment without any of this 419 nonsense. Please do let this office know if we can provide a reference. A HRH Princess Margaret Dear Princes Charles I am really at a loss to come to terms with the recent correspondence between you and My operatives. I thought We were expecting a lovely song from you by why of final troth and what not, but this has not materialised. Instead I have witnessed a chastening, and somewhat alarming, exchange of personality and factually inspired remarks the gist of which have made me think very hard about supporting your plea with dorks, or indeed anything else To be short, my dear chap, my patience is nearing an end. We have other third world claimant who take this sort of matter much more seriously that you appear to be doing so. Add to the fact that I have been disappointed in both your character and moral turpitude, but also that the Smegaroon Marching band have not had the arrangement inspired by your latest tune which I have promised them in an earlier fit of enthusiam, and you can see how much I am feel let down by yourself. As for supplying a new song, this without music either and you can see how much worse this makes matters. regards MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, Thank you for your mail. Honestly speaking, i have not practise 419 before and if i happened to get such opportunity i will do that witout looking back, expercially now that am really worried on how to go back to school without any means. Before God and man all the materials i sent to you are my writups, please believe me. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', And thank you for your email, young man. 'Charles', we really do not know what to do with you. You send us e-mails, denying your involvement as a 419 scammer. We then reply, informing you that you are indeed a 419 scammer, and that we have the evidence to prove it. Are we going to correspond like this until the end of time? For whilst we find you amusing, we have other mugus to attend to. In conclusion, 'Charles', unless you are going to make a clean breast of it and confess to your crimes, I suggest you refrain from emailing us again as there is very little more to say. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Feb 22 Dear 'Charles', Against our better judgement, and with very little enthusiasm indeed, I write to tell you that there has been a slight policy change in your favour. Last night I met with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II at the Royal Custard Rooms. Her Majesty has taken a keen interest in the correspondence between yourself and this Office, and she has decreed that as you 'seem such a nice young man' (please note this is her description of you), she would like to offer you one more chance to prove yourself. Therefore, we require video evidence of you singing one of your songs before reciting the text of your Oath of Allegiance. Once we have this, we will release a sum of either £25,000 or 10,000 Golden Dorks. It is your choice. Please reply immediately. You have 48 hours to respond or the deal, as they say, is off. [Then, out of the blue, comes another Prince Charles - and now he has a doctorate, or possibly a medical degree!] Prince Charles Two --- prinnce prince <prince_charles018@hotmail.com> wrote: FROM DISK OF:DR.PRINCE CHARLES AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT. INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA (I.B.O), BURKINA FASO. contact:princecharles_2007@walla.com MY DEAR FRIEND, I AM Dr.PRINCE CHARLES THE DIRECTOR IN CHARGE OF AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING SECTION OF INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA(I.B.O)BURKINA FASO IN WEST AFRICA WITH DUE RESPECT AND REGARDS. I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON A BUSINESS TRANSACTION THAT WILL BE VERY BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US AT THE END OF THE TRANSACTION. DURING OUR INVESTIGATION AND AUDITING IN THIS BANK, MY DEPARTMENT CAME ACROSS A VERY HUGE SUM OF MONEY BELONGING TO A DECEASED PERSON WHO DIED ON 31ST OCTOBER 1999 IN A PLANE CRASH AND THE FUND HAS BEEN ORMANT IN HIS ACCOUNT WITH THIS BANK WITHOUT ANY CLAIM OF THE FUND IN URCUSTODY EITHER FROM HIS MILY OR RELATION BEFORE OUR DISCOVERY TO THIS DEVELOPMENT. ALTHOUGH PERSONALLY, I KEEP THIS INFORMATION SECRET WITHIN MYSELF AND PARTNERS TO ENABLE THE WHOLE PLANS AND IDEA BE PROFITABLE AND SUCCESSFUL DURING THE TIME OF EXECUTION. THE SAID AMOUNT WAS U.S $10.4M (TEN MILLION FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS). AS IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW, I GOT YOUR IMPRESSIVE INFORMATION THROUGH THE BURKINA FASO CHAMBER OF COMMERCE ON FOREIGN BUSINESS RELATIONS HERE IN BURKINA FASO. MEANWHILE ALL THE WHOLE ARRANGEMENT TO PUT CLAIM OVER THIS FUND AS THE BONAFIDE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED, GET THE REQUIRED APPROVAL AND TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT HAS BEEN PUT IN PLACE AND DIRECTIVES AND NEEDED INFORMATION WILL BE RELAYED TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU INDICATE YOUR INTEREST AND WILLINGNESS TO ASSIST US AND ALSO BENEFIT YOUR SELF TO THIS GREAT BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY. IN FACT I COULD HAVE DONE THIS DEAL ALONE BUT BECAUSE OF MY POSITION IN THIS COUNTRY AS A CIVIL SERVANT (A BANKER), WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AND WOULD EVENTUALLY RAISE AN EYE BROW ON MY SIDE DURING THE TIME OF TRANSFER BECAUSE I WORK IN THIS BANK. THIS IS THE ACTUAL REASON WHY IT WILL REQUIRE A SECOND PARTY OR FELLOW WHO WILL FORWARD CLAIMS AS THE NEXT OF KIN WITH AFFIDAVIT OF TRUST OF OATH TO THE BANK AND ALSO PRESENT A FOREIGN ACCOUNT WHERE HE WILL NEED THE MONEY TO BE RE-TRANSFERRED INTO ON HIS REQUEST AS IT MAY BE AFTER DUE VERIFICATION AND CLARIFICATION BY THE CORRESPONDENT BRANCH OF THE BANK WHERE THE WHOLE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED FROM TO YOUR OWN DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT. I WILL NOT FAIL TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK FREE. ON SMOOTH CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, YOU WILL BE ENTITLED TO 30% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS GRATIFICATION, WHILE 5% WILL BE SET ASIDE TO TAKE CARE OF EXPENSES THAT MAY ARISE DURING THE TIME OF TRANSFER AND ALSO TELEPHONE BILLS, WHILE 65% WILL BE FOR ME. PLEASE, YOU HAVE BEEN ADVICED TO KEEP "TOP SECRET" AS I AM STILL IN SERVICE AND INTEND TO RETIRE FROM SERVICE AFTER WE CONCLUDE THIS DEAL WITH YOU. I WILL BE MONITORING THE WHOLE SITUATION HERE IN THIS BANK UNTIL YOU CONFIRM THE MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT AND ASK ME TO COME DOWN TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR SUBSEQUENT SHARING OF THE FUND ACCORDING TO PERCENTAGES PREVIOUSLY INDICATED AND FURTHER INVESTMENT, EITHER IN YOUR COUNTRY OR ANY COUNTRY YOU ADVICE US TO INVEST IN. ALL OTHER NECESSARY VITAL INFORMATION WILL BE SENT TO YOU WHEN I HEAR FROM YOU. PLEASE INDICATE YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER WHEN REPLYINGTHIS BUSINESS PROPOSAL. IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED, PLEASE ALSO INDICATE SO THAT IT WILL ENABLE ME TO CONTACT ANOTHER FOREIGN PARTNER WITH RECOMMENDATIONS TO CARRY OUT THIS DEAL.A SWIFT ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF YOUR RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL WILL BE APPRECIATED.THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU.CONTACT ME WITH THIS EMAIL princecharles_2007@walla.com BEST REGARDS, Dr . PRINCE CHARLES Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Date: February 23, 2007 To: prince_charles018@hotmail.com, princecharlesworld@yahoo.com Dear Prince Charles, Meet Prince Charles. Prince Charles, meet Prince Charles. Prince Charles, would you mind explaining the email below? And have you considered our offer? As ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I got your mail and am really sorry that i was unable to get back to you immediately. Actually, I traveled to the village to know why they have to sale my only portion of land without my concent. Am back to city and wanted to take time to let you know Lady Agatha that i was unable to record the song which HRH Princess Margaret ask me to do in the honour of her good works just because of money, where do i get money to do a video record when i cannot do ordinary audio. Lady Agatha i have lost everything, all i have is my life without joy, i cant even design my ways anymore, my life is ful of tears of pain and sorrow since mum passaway. I beg you all in the name of jesus christ to please assist me with little money that will be enough for the video clip, i will do it and send it across to you before the main money. This is the only way you can help me to further my education and restore my joy and happiness because all hope is gone. Cheers Prince Charles Nwaimo. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', For now we shall have to put our differences aside as Her Majesty wishes; but this constant begging and demanding money is exactly our point. We cannot pay a penny until we are convinced about this project. You are fully aware of our feelings towards it but I am now doing Her Majesty's bidding. You must produce a video recording of you performing one of your rather bizarre songs. I do not care how it is done. Just see to it. And you have not explained the other 'Prince Charles'' email. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, A begger is better than a criminal. After reading your mail this morning i have to run down to presidential road where i produce my two single sound tracks titled " MY MISSING RIB " and " WE WISH YOU THIS " to ask them how much it will cost me to produce the video clip of one of this songs, to my greatest surprise they said it will cost me seventy thousand naira when i cant even afford twenty five thousand naira to work on " ALL THE BEST " dedicated to HRH Princess Margaret. You all should have mercy on me and see the need to assist me please. Thanks in anticipation. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your email. Believe me, 'Charles', we have shown admirable restraint and mercy in our dealings with you. But the deal, as they say, is this: give us the video and we shall then pay you a handsome sum for the rest of your album; or nothing. I am sorry to be abrupt but that is the way it is, old chap. Her Majesty has ordered this office to obtain the video, so see to it immediately, or Agent Shevchenko will be unleashed. A Prince Charles Feb. 27 Subject: THIS IS A CHALLENGE AND IS ONLY GOD THAT CAN SEE ME THROUGH Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I got your mail and it's contents where well understood. I want to ask you for a favour, please Lady Agatha i beg you in the name of our lord Jesus Christ kindly give me two to three weeks let me traveled to my wicked relatives and beg them for money for the video record, they are my only hope. However, if i succeed i will like to do the video clip of " WE WISH YOU THIS " dedicated to HRH Princess Margaret in honour of all her good works. i will like to know how this organisation wish the background of this video record to look like and what do you want me to attach to make it more attractive. I hereby attach the lyrics of the song once again for you all to picture what you wish in the video record incase i succeed with the financial accept of it : " WE WISH YOU THIS " Written by : Prince Charles Nwaimo Talkings : To night I want to dedicate this song To Princess Margaret I said everything is gonna be Alright with you... [The song will not be inflicted on the reader again. If you wish to inflict it on yourself, jump UP. There is another link up there which will quickly bring you back here.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Very well. Take your time and get it right. Just see that it's done. A As ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I suppose a video clip may be of some value in deciding just how honest and talented you really are. KInd send it as soon as possible as my patience, and that of my staff is growing sorely tested I can assure you of that. I just hope that we are not presented with some karaoke-style native rap or what not. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC [Some of the inspiration for the above demand came from the achievements of Shiver Metimbers. Visit YouTube, search on "dead parrot" and be amazed. Not only that Shiver got two scammers to act out the dead parrot skit from Monty Python, but that it's still funny after all these years, even done by them.] [And what comes of this demand? Let's see!] Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Now i know, why the rich remain rich and the poor remain poor , none of the rich wants to help the poor or the needy despite your vision or talent even when shared with them. If only mum is alive i would have not pass through this storms of life, even the people my mum made what they are today turn back to me. If only i will succeed again i will be more than careful not to fall. Lady Agatha if only you could see what am passing through you will see the need to assist me willingly without all this condition. I was unable to borrow the saventy thousand naira for the video clip. A friend who felt for me here in Enugu, promise to assist me with ten thousand naira on wenesday next week. This can only enable me do the video record in the music studio only with Mr Ikechukwu Chikwendu my backup. I wanted to do it in an open beatiful place and make it more jucy with some powerful african background to attract favour expercially in the song where i said REACHING TO AFRICAN WORLD ALL OVER THE WORLD HELPING THE SICK CARING FOR THE POOR SO KIND but it wont workout that way because of financial handicap, so permit me to do the local recording in the music studio where i produce the song please. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', This constant begging means nothing. Find the money - you are guaranteed a huge reward if you send us the clip. And that would just be the beginning. Tell that to whomever you borrow the money from - witch doctor, local warlord, goat market owner, custard vendor - we simply don't care. You have until midnight on Monday 5th March to inform this office that the funding is in place, or we walk away. Now for heaven's sake - stop whining and get on with it. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, For Christ sake ! why sounding harsh on me, i only said my mind and ask for your permition. However, by the special grace of God the video clip will get to you this weekend. Remain bless. Prince Charles. 'Charles', Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles' - This assignment has come from the desk of Her Majesty - not from this office. You are aware of our feelings in this matter. Nevertheless, you would be better off concentrating on the task in hand, rather than complaining and carping at every opportunity. However, we are pleased to hear that the clip will be with us at the end of the week. Keep it up. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I have to let this organisation know that the person that promised to finance the video record has changed his mind not to finance this project and i will like to use this opportunity to ask you all for a favour. The condition given to me to do the video record is indirect way to say goodbye because you all know my financial handicap and that i cant afford doing the video record. However, i plead with you all to look up to God and favour me by remastering my single sound track titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " air the song over there with my name ( PRINCE CHARLE ) i strongly believe that one day one Artist or music company will have intrest on my song and ask who is this Prince Charles. Sometimes no one believes you but you have to believe yourself. Anytime the spirit of God touches you to remeber the needy around you or the less privillege please always remeber me as one of them. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', This will not do. What exactly is it that you want? It does not have to be an elaborate production, 'Charles'. Princess Candice has advised me that you can complete this task by using a mobile telephone to record your song and then uploading the file to your computer in the internet cafe. Then it can be emailed to this office. One always thought such instruments were for conversation but that is progress, one supposes. There is a lot of money riding on this for you, 'Charles'. I suggest that you use what little wit and ingenuity you possess to make this project happen. Now get to it. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, The money you are given me is not really the main thing, please do consider the pains and shame am passing through, am now a begger befor friends just to please you and this organisation. What have i not done for this organisation to believe me. However, let me try that of mobile phone can workout. Remain bless, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', This is better. It pleases us that you are finally starting to adopt a more positive attitude. That's the spirit, old chap! Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Finanlly, I have finished working on the video clip but the problem am having now is how to download it and send it to this organisation. Cheers. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your note. If you have a mobile telephone recording, I have been advised by Intel that you download it to your computer using the cable provided and then email it to us. We look forward to receiving it. Well done! As ever, A Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Who is chijikeigbos? Additionally this format is inadequate. Please re-send it! Prince Charles DID SEE MY VIDEO RECORD WHICH I SENT TO YOU YESTERDAY Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Please see my last reply. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Chijikeigbos is the person who is helping me to download the video record from CD plate to internate. Remeber i told you that the problem am having now is how to download my video record since friday last week. However, i will find alternative to download it again by tommorrow and whereby it didn't workout i will sent it through postage with your address. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Very well, 'Charles'. But do hurry. Time is running out. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. I hereby attach the song as much as it can contain for your assessment. Though the picture is not all that bright due to poor production by the video camera man, please kindly bear with me and see the need to assist me. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', We shall study this and reply accordingly. A [Attached was a .3gp file -- but it appeared incomplete or corrupt.] Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Incase the file did not play in your computer over there, please connect it to your mobile phone through your computer or do i send it with the below address through registered mail : The Special Operations Department, 221b Baker Street, London NW1 4BD. Thanks in anticipation. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your note. To make these modalities absolutely safe, please do send the file to this Office. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Once your computer has 3gp it will play but whereby your computer dont have it all you have to do is to download it into your mobile phone that has 3gp it will play smoothly, because right now i dont have money for postage. Cheers. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', This is most perplexing. What is 3gp? Though I have passed the file to Intel they are unsure what to do with it. One assumed that one could just watch it on the computer screen. This is not child's play, young man. Kindly explain what's going on! A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Please believe me am still having problem on how to download the VCD to internate. Could you please instruct me on what to do. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', This is quite ridiculous. However, we are sympathetic to your plight, given the limited technology in the Third World and whatnot. We suggest you speak to your internet cafe owner and convert the file into .mpg format. Off you go. As ever, A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I really appreciate hearing from you. Is now i know the reason while the music file refuse to attach all this while is because the capacity of the file is biger than the capacity of the attach file. However, i have regestered the video record today been 21st march, 2007 with your name and address through Nipost. They said it will take six days befor it will get to you, meanwhile expect the video record by wenesday next week. Remain bless, Cheers. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Very well. We look forward to receiving it. I should also sound a note of caution; you had better not be playing games with us, young man. Agent Shevchenko is disappointed he did not get to see you last time. Ensure the video is here, or he will most definitely be paying you a visit. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I have sent the video record as i said on my last mail, by the special grace of God it will get to you by next week just for you to see to believe that is not all Nigerian's that are bad. So, am not playing any games and i dont even know how to play games. Moreover, clear concence fears no accusation so am not affraid of your shevchenko. Incase your organisation dont have my address and phone number i hereby enclose it : PRINCE CHARLES NWAIMO NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA. PHONE : +2348037578607. I did the begining of the video record in my church and finished the remaining in my room titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " dedicated to HRH Princess Margaret with my backup Mr Ikechukwu Chikwendu. That reminds me why am i ask to send my video record ? Cheers. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', What is it now? If you can produce the clip for a mobile phone then your local witch doctor can ensure that it can be converted into an .mpg file. You offered to post the clip by Nipost, so I suggest you do that immediately. This is getting tiresome, 'Charles'. Just get on with it! A [March came in like a lion and is going out like a mugu... still no vid from "Charles"...] Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, First of all, i did not use mobile phone for the video clip, i used video camera recorder which the video camera man now download it into CD plate. So, it cant work with MPG file as you said i have try saveral time to download the CD plate and attach it to my box and send it to you but it didn't workout and that is the reason while i have to send it through Nipost for God sake is in your country by now. Please i dont need anything that will rise my blood preasure again am just coming out from the hospital since last week am in bed. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Charles, I cannot for the life of me see why you cannot avoid all this nonsense and simply email an MPG file to us. However, please see my earlier email for further suggestions. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', We have not received the video clip. A great shame that you could not supply it in a format that we can use, but it confirms - as if we needed confirmation - your semi-educated status in these matters. However, as it is apparent that Her Majesty seems to have boundless reserves of patience, we will grant you a 72 hour extension (from tomorrow, 25th March) to send us a file that we can view on-screen. I suggest you start work. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, As i said, i have sent you the video record through Nipost for Christ sake! with your address and name is even in your Country by now, so check it out. How i wish the video record attach to my box that would be great but it didn't and that is the reason while i have to send it through Nipost. Just check it out, it should be in your country by now. I always stick to my word no matter the storms of life. Cheers, Prince Charles Nwaimo. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Do try to calm down. One can only imagine what the postal service is like in your part of the world, with officials rifling through packages, taking bribes and whatnot. Can you not courier the clip to us? We shall reimburse you, of course, but not for any baksheesh or backhanders, if you'll pardon the vernacular. That you stick to your word is debatable to say the least, if I may say. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Sending package through Courier here in Nigeria is to expensive for me onless you wish to send me some money to enable me do that. I hereby attach the registered package number, name and address, because it should be in your country by now : REGISTERED NUMBER :RR 003016092 NG NAME : LADY AGATHA BRISTOL ADDRESS : THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT 221B BAKER STREET LONDON NW14BD. Am just coming from the post office they said the package is in your country, so check it out with the above registered number, name and address please. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your note. I look forward to receiving the package - which courier did you send the consignment through? Intel can than track it. However, we have another idea to ensure proof of this video. Apparently there is a way for you to post it online - perhaps on YouTube. You could include some footage from your village, to add some authenticity. To ensure it is you, perhaps you could hold up a sign of some description. Do let me know what you think. A [Whaddya think, folks? Are they aiming too high? Will the Foreign Office get a scammer to post himself on YouTube? Can they hope to rival the achievement of Shiver Metimbers? (Search YouTube for "scam" and "dead parrot" and be amazed) ] Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, What exactly do you want from me. I have send the video record through nipost which i have said several times. How do you expect me again to go to the village for footage and to hold some description when i have already send the record. Why do you hate me, you should have ask me to attach all this before sending the video record. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', There is no point blaming us, old chap. We took you at your word. Do you want this money or not? A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Please as soon as you recieve the video clip do let me know because i dont have money to do another video clip and attach the features you need. And for you to believe that am the one in the video clip i will snape a picture with the same dress i put on in the video clip and with what ever description you wish and send it to you my dictective. You are really a dictective, i doff my cap for you but the truth is am innocent. Cheers, Prince Charles Nwaimo. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Charles, You may just have had a decent idea for once. I may be able to persuade Her Majesty's Personal Secretary, Mrs. Fellatio, to see if a picture is acceptable. As ever A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Honestly speaking, the reason while i have not givenup all this while despit all the accusation against me is because i really want to further my education. Before God and man i wasn't looking for money to build house or ride a car but to further my education and work on my music album to support my education. I beg you all in the name of our lord Jesus Christ to make things easier for me, i wont forget that it was this organisation who made me what i am in future. All my dream was that this organisation will help me come over to london and work on my album over there knowing not is not so. Am a needy to this organisation and that is the reason while i apply for your charity. The song i did to HRH Princess Margaret was out of happiness when she promis to help me further my education. I really need help to further my education please. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', We are doing our best. In fact we are bending over backwards for you - yet again - in the face of another failure on your part. You could not provide us with proof of your work as the video clip didn't work; the package did not arrive as it was obviously snaffled by some ghastly little man on your side, and you did not provide us with any proof that you posted it by Nipost in the first place! Now stop browbeating us. We have things to do. I shall be in touch when Mrs. Fellatio relays Her Majesty's thoughts on this sign business and whatnot. As ever A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. Am really sorry for browbeating this organisation. However, i hereby attach the slip given to me by Nipost when i registered the package with your name and address. I have been fasting and praying since i posted the video clip across to you, by the special grace of our lord Jesus Christ it will deffenectly get to you this week. Please kindly bear with me. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', *What* is it now? I have a meeting with Her Majesty and Miss Fellatio this afternoon to discuss these modalities. This scrap of paper is meaningless and the writing illegible. What is it? Is it some sort of receipt from your local goat market? A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Am really sory if the slip is not board over there. Please forgive me. What else do i do. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', The slip is not board? What are you talking about, you silly little man. This is not the time for self-pity and local moonshine! Are you prepared to work with us or not? Prince Charles [was blank] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', This is blank. In any case, I have the slip. What is it? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, How long will this modalities go on, how long will i be in pains and hopeless, waiting for the right time to come. My problem right now is to secur addimission into college to further my education as an accountant, i only have from now to 20th april, 2007 been next two weeks to secure my addimission, if not it will deffenectly pass me by this year and by then all am labouring for all this while is totally in vain. Meanwhile, i beg you all in the name of our lord Jesus Christ as soon as you recieve the music VCD plate which i sent across to you on 20th march, 2007 as it was demanded by me. The truth is you will deffenectly know that am the one in the VCD based on the picture and my interviw and you have to print out the pictures i have sent to this organisation and compire it with the person in the video clip. I hereby attach the name and account number which i wish to recieve what ever amount this organisation wish to support me further my education and work on my music album which i will still send it across to this organisation to market it over there. ACCOUNT NAME : NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES ACCOUNT TITLE : CURRENT ACCOUNT ACCOUNT NUMBER : 1401001005042 BANK NAME : OCEANIC BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC BANK ADDRESS : NATIONAL ASSEMBLY COMPLEX ABUJA NIGERIA. Please see the need to assist me, if not for what, at least to enable me further my education. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your note. I am delighted to say that the meeting with Her Majesty and Mrs. Fellatio has gone well. What is this about becoming an accountant? Surely with the bribery and corruption in your little country you don't need them? Secondly, I assume, then, that you do not wish to receive the monetary award by providing us with proof that your musical works exist? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Please believe me for once, honestly speaking befor God and man i have send the VCD plat across to you through postage. How i wish i have money i would have gone to the camera man to print another copy of the CD plat so that i will re-send it through DHL that will only take three days and get to you, but the truth is i dont have the money, they said it will cost me eleven thousand naira which is about fifty pounds please believe me i have said all the truth in my mouth. Am unknown in the music fuild due to financial handicap. But am asuring this organisation to give me a trial and see the honest in me. However, i wish you all happy easter in advance. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', My understanding is that you wish to become an accountant. Which is it, dear boy? Accountant or musician? Or are you going to stick to 419 scamming? I should become an accountant if I were you. In fact, that is the first sensible thing you have said to us since this whole sorry business started. However, as Her Majesty wishes to continue modalities, please let me know what you want to do. A On into mid-April: Comic relief from tax-day (for Americans): Prince Charles is still trying to get money out of The Foreign Office: Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Why are you still calling me 419 scamming? Am once an accountant befor i become school dropout when mum passaway. Since then i have been working hard to go back to school. As i said befor the song i dedicated to HRH Princess Margaret was out of happiness befor God and man am unknown in the music fuild due to financial handicap. But right now i wish to go back to school and work on my music album to support my studies which i will deffenectly send you my album. Even in my Charity Application form there's a place where i was ask? what will i use the charity fund do, i stated to further my education, pay for my school accomodation and work on my music album and please Lady Agatha believe me at least for once or give me a trial. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', There seems little point in going over old ground. You are fully aware of our feelings towards you and your activities. That you cannot even get the simplest of lies right is little more than mildly amusing. To business, then. Despite everything we still do not have proof. I am afraid that Her Majesty is starting to have second thoughts. She has seen your picture and feels that you are, to quote, 'a rather handsome-looking young man'. It would appear, then, that she would like to see the video, rather than a simple image. I am trying to negotiate with Her Majesty but it can be quite difficult to persuade her on matters once her mind is made up. After all, she is the Queen, don't you know. Now look, 'Charles', I need you to try to present the earlier video in MPEG format. Surely it cannot be that difficult? Try again, because there is a huge financial reward for you if you do. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' YOUR CONSTANT WHINING AND COMPLAINING HAS IRRITATED US TO SUCH A DEGREE THAT LADY AGATHA HAS ORDERED INTEL TO FIND THE TOOLS NECESSARY TO CONVERT YOUR MOBILE PHONE VIDEO TO MPG FORMAT_MAY I SUGGEST YOU USE THIS LINK TO FACILITATE THIS: http://www.imtoo.com/3gp-video-converter.html NOW GET ON WITH IT MAN FOR GODS SAKE - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_MOSCOW OFFICE Stroganov Publishing (Pvt) Ltd 4402 Bowdinskaya Street Moscow 0169 Russia Lady Agatha:: Excellent work, Agent Stroganov. Let us hope that 'Charles' finally takes our advice on board. See you at the Palace tomorrow for the Custard Festival. And do tell Agent Shevchenko that he won't need his sniper rifle. As ever, A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thank you for your note. May i ask you for a favour, please kindly lookup to God and assist me with fity pounds through Western Union Money Transfer with this name : NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES BANK : FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA BRANCH : ENUGU MAIN ADDRESS : 21 OKPARA AVENUE, ENUGU NIGERIA. To enable me re-send this package through DHL that will only take three days to get to you. Because i dont know how to make use of this format you send to me and the young man that use to help me is not yet back from his easter holiday. If you happened to send this money first thing tomorrow morning, i will collect it and went down to DHL to re-send the package again without any delay, this is the only way you can help me. I know you dont believe all i say or do, but kindly give me a trial and see if am trust worthy or not. Please assist me, i have God fearing heart i wont fail you. You are my only hope for now, please do not hasitate if you are in the position to help me at least i wont forget that you made me what i am, if i succeed. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Good try. But we cannot release a penny until we have definitive proof of your work! How many times must I explain this? Are you intentionally stupid? You simply must try harder, old boy. We have to obtain that video clip. We are trying to negotiate an acceptable compromise over video or image proof with Her Majesty via Mrs. Fellatio. Much as we like her though, we would rather deal with Her Majesty directly. After all, Fellatio is all very well when you are making oral declarations; but we'd prefer to go all the way. Now please, for pity's sake, get on with things. As ever, A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. Honestly i have really tried my best since yesterday to make sure i attach my video clip and send it across to you but it didn't workout. Let's believe God that the one i send through Nipost will get to you. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your email. Did you receive a message from Agent Stroganov regarding converting your mobile phone file into MPEG format? Secondly, a small problem has arisen. The scrap of paper you sent us has been analyzed. It is indeed a Nipost postal receipt, offering proof of postage. However, Intel has analysed the scrawled handwriting and initial analysis suggests that it belongs to none other than Daniel Eneche! We strongly suspect his involvement in the Bowden Affair - something in which we also suspect your involvement. We were prepared to believe that you were not perhaps quite as involved as the initial signs demonstrated; but this shows things in a completely different light. Who are you, 'Charles'? Agent Shevchenko - please move to Beta Status. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, First of all i did not use mobile phone in recording my video clip, i used video camera. And the only way for me to send this video record across to you through internate is to open another box which attachment MB is more than 10MB. Do you know any box that has more than 10 MB ? Second, Daniel Anache dose not work in Enugu Nipost. I only know him as a cyber cafe owner at Abuja Nigeria, if you want him as a suspect his Cyber Cafe is located at Nyanya opposit Dimond Bank and his Cyber Cafe name is " EXCELLENT ". And finanlly, am Prince Charles Nwaimo from Imo State i reside at Enugu as a student befor i become school dropout due to financial handicap. Is there any other thing you need to know about me Lady Agatha Bristol? Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles, Thank you for your note. As ever, we have had to come up with the solutions to problems created by your incompetence. We have two suggestions: i) Post your video on YouTube and send us the link. ii) Open a gmail account which should offer the space you need. If your video is overlong, edit it. Now please, for pity's sake, get on with it. I am losting patience. [Of course if 'Prince Charles' were really a musician and really not a scammer, he could simply upload his stuff to YouTube or MySpace and be done with it, like other aspiring musicians, and forget about The Foreign Office. Musicians can be independent. Has he learned nothing from They Might Be Giants? But you knew that. Ooh - have we come up with a new way for scammers to scam? Pretending to be bands? Ooh - are some bands a scam anyway? And what about 'manufactured' bands, and inflated overhead, and, and - ooh - this is philosophically deep. Or not.] 'PRINCE CHARLES' STARTS HIS OWN MYSPACE PAGE [ This may be a first. Building on the great tradition of Shiver Metimbers - who got a scammer to send in a video of himself (or some patsies - or scammers with a sense of humor) re-enacting the dead parrot skit from Monty Python (seriously, search YouTube for 'dead parrot scam') - the Foreign Office staff persuaded 'Prince Charles' to put his own demo video on his own MySpace page. If he's really a musician, he'll want a MySpace page anyway, right? So no need to keep asking Princess Margaret for money, right? Wrong. ] Prince Charles From: prince charles <princecharlesworld@yahoo.com> [still hanging on to his e-mail account after all this time] To: Princess Margaret Subject: PLEASE HAVE A RE-THINK Your Highness, With due respect to your organisation. Please i want to ask you for a favour, do your really want to help me or not ? because each day i writ to this organisation i spent one hundred naira, a needy that comes to you for assistance. All i recieve from this organisation is accusation left and right and you are not saying anything. Your Highness do you remeber that the song i dedicate to you was from my joyful heart when you promis to assist me further my education. However, i have made up my mind to giveup from this endless transaction that ful of accusation as soon as i hear from you. The funny thing is i dont even know you, you sound like a mother but you dont act like a mother. Tell me Your Highness what is the need that i apply for your charity at the same time spend my money to dedicate you a honouring song without reward. HRH Princess Margaret Dear Prince Charles I must admit some frustration at to how this whole business is proceeding. Having taken the decision to stand back a little and let My staff take care of securing this video what not you have supposedly pledged Us, I see nothing but delay and dither. Surely you hardly need reminding of how urgent your need is and We are keen to sort you out, good and proper, so that you get all that is coming to you. As for suggesting that We do not want to help you, well given all Our kind and philanthropic efforts down the months in this regards I find such a comment very disappointing. I do not expect to be confronted each time I return from the hunting grounds at Smegaroon with such pettifogging. I really do not see what the problem is in completing this last element of this scheme. This is not child's play my friend. Now kindly attend to it at once and let us move on and cease these wretched bleatings. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Honestly speaking i have been trying to attach this video record file since yesterday but is not working out for me, i dont really know what is the problem. Please give me more time to still try my best. My main problem right now is that adimission into high institution or college is about to pass me by. Cheers, Prince Charles Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', *Please* will you stop whining and get on with it - time is not ours to waste. Now pull yourself together! Prince Charles [It was a blank e-mail] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', This is empty! Phil Munglers: What can I say. Sir, you are an artiste beyond measure. The only man of any such comparable talent was surely Edward D Wood. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, After much more suffer i have succeed and i must to thank you for gmail which you sent to me to enable me forward the video record, am really greatful. I pray to almighty God to reward you abondantly in jesus name i pray, Amen. I hereby attach my gmail email address and password to enable this organisation watch my local video record with MR IKECHUKWU CHIKWENDU. Just go to my sent mrssage open it you will see the attached file : princecharlesworld@gmail.com password : myprincess And please remeber that i only have this week to pickup my adimission form and do my registration into college please see the need to assist me. Remain bless. Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your note. We shall peruse this and get back to you. Prince Charles Please pest the below documents in your bar address for you to watch my video record i have been trying to attach it to the gmail account but it didn't work out since morning > C:\Documents and Settings\system21\Desktop\AVSEQ01.mpg Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Yes, yes, we have the details. Be patient. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect, i wish to know if you have recieve the video record which i sent to you through Nipost on 20th march, 2007 with your name and address. Well, am just coming back from the Nipost office and i was told that the package has been delivered. Please what is happening or have you people decided not help me anymore? Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', Thank you for your note. As always it is a pleasure to hear from you. I am terribly sorry but the package never arrived. And what's more, your video STILL does not play? For Goodness' sake, 'Charles', can you not attach it on an email? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Please could you do me a favour by given me another box to see if it will attach and be able to send it to you. The proble am having with the gmail box is that it will attach but it wont be able to send. Please see the need to help me, at least i have really tried my best. Remain bless. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', What is this wittering? What do you mean, 'given me another box'? Explain yourself! Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', Please see below a report from Agent Devon E. Seel, from our Intel Division. Your thoughts, please. As ever, A Agent Devon E. Seel Dear Lady Agatha, Over 300,000 obscure musical groups post their stuff on myspace. His insistence on funds from the Foreign Office to launch his musical career when there is a free means of distribution for his wares strikes me as suspect, to say the least. Nevertheless, ref: his inane questions about 'boxes': This hardly seems your responsibility, but seems easy to do nonetheless. You could send him the login info, with careful instructions on how to upload a file. Yrs obdt, Agent Devon E. Seel Special Operations Department - Intelligence Division [And bingo! He succeeds in setting up a MySpace page. Way to go, Prince Charles!] Prince Charles --- Prince at MySpace wrote: Prince is a member of MySpace and is inviting you to join. Prince says: Join MySpace and you will instantly be connected to Prince, and to each of Prince's friends. Click Here to Join: http://www1.myspace.com/reloc.cfm?c=2&id=18BBA234-EA17-4498-AC38-855E1A78AF62 What is MySpace? ====================== MySpace is an online community that lets you meet your friends' friends. * Create a Custom Profile * Upload & Share Photos * Send Mail and IM's * Write Blogs & Comments * Discover new Music, Filmmakers, and Comedians * Watch and share Funny Videos * It's FREE! Who Uses MySpace? ======================= MySpace is for everyone: * Friends who want to talk Online * Bands that want to share their music * Filmmakers that want to reach their fans * Clueless 419 scammers Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', This is all very nice. But where is the video clip? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Am still having problem, the box dont have compose and i have not seen where to attach the file. Please can you be of help. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', What is *wrong* with you, you blithering idiot? Just attach the file to an email like you did with the photo you stole. Get on with it!! Prince Charles How long will this accusation go on, the pictures i sent you are mine and there's no how i will go and scan another person picture and sent to you. The only problem am having is that i dont know hou to attach the video in the new boxes you sent to me. However, i will do night browsing today, just to see if i can attach the file today. Please i will like to chat with you will you be on line, my chating ID is princecharlesworld you can add me so that you will know when am online. Finanlly, i must to appriciate your effort asin helping me to attach the video record am really greatful, may almighty God bless you for me. Cheers, Prince Charles. Phil Munglers: Charlie Lady Agatha is a high-ranking and well respected member of the Foreign Office. She does not run Basic Email Skills For Morons courses down the local doss-house. Upload your fulking video AT ONCE and send me your version of "Come To Daddy" or I will eat your soul. In terms of disasters, you, sir, are up there with the tsunami and Battlefield Earth. Kusottare!!! Phil Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Indeed so, Agent Munglers. And thank you. As ever, you are a pillar of strength in these matters. Let us hope that 'Charles' will finally get these modalities moving, though, along with everyone else at the Foreign Office, I have my doubts. Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Agent Devon E. Seel Ma'am, Your legendary patience is obviously and justifiably strained, so I looked into myspace options. Once logged in, the following menu items appear at the top: MySpace | People | Web | Music | Music Videos | Blogs | Video | Events Click Video - then click the Upload tab click the various options, click on the agreement (no porn, etc.), and apparently it's away to the races. [You might also inform the "Prince" that, once he has set up his myspace account, he can gather all kinds of new "friends" :-) It could do wonders for his musical career. ] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Seel, Thank you for this. Your input is invaluable. I shall remind the brigand of his responsiblities. Really, this is rather frustrating, to say the least. As ever A Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', Intel have suggested that you upload your video to your rather charming little myspace page. Get to it, there's a good chap. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Out of happiness, i hereby attach one of my picture for you. I love you all. Cheers, Prince Charles. [ All this time, we assumed that 'Prince Charles' was using stolen pics, so we covered the face. But when you see the video, you'll see that it's the same guy. He was actually sending pics of himself this whole time. He looks kind of like the model Tyson, only skinnier and less Asian.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for the photograph. I should, however, were I you, ease off the local moonshine - this is not the time for over-elaborate and dramatic gestures. Prince Charles --- Prince at MySpace wrote: This is a message from Prince: Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect, i must to thank you for been there for me, you're my eyes when i couldn't see, you're my voice when i couldn't speak, you're my strenght when am week. I dont know how to thank you, b Prince thought you might enjoy checking out this video on MySpace Videos! You don't have to join MySpace.com to view the video. Just use the link below. http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2025830610 [Opens in separate window] [And there you have it, Scamoramans. A 419er has posted himself on MySpace.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', At last, you have done as we have requested. We shall respond shortly. There has been a development. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, You're like a mother to me, you made everything possible for me, am really greatful. Remain bless. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Please do keep your native excitement in check. We will be in touch soon. The Showdown [May 2007 - In the final round, Prince Charles comes out swinging with a new approach - trying to sell diamonds! At the same time, he receives his own scam letter and, Scamoramans, he actually needs help to figure out if he should believe it or not.] Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation. I wish to shear the business at hand with this organisation, a good childhood friend of mine came back from Serra-lone with five pieces of Diamonds stone, which i saw with my two necked eyes and his interested to sale them and he needed my assistance. Well, i told him i only have two people in mind that can be of help my uncle Mr David at Abuja and this organisation. Please, this is another way this organisation can equally help me, so as to make some money through this deal and work on my full album. All am asking for, is to connect us to the right buyers while you mention your percentage, i think is a deal or this organisation can equally wish to buy the Diamonds and re-sale it, with view to make profit. What do you think ?. Well, i hereby attach my mobile phone number +2348037578607 for more information. Meanwhile, i look forward to hear from you today be for taking another stepping-stone for this opportunity. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', What on earth is going on? You wish to trade in what are no doubt conflict diamonds to fund your dubious music career? I can tell you now, young man, that we have no wish to profit on the back of people's suffering. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Do not misunderstand me and please my music career is not a dubious one, for Christ sake ! why are you sounding this way, is never my forth, because i needed money all means to exterblish my music talent, is all i have, i have loss to further my education and what not. Well, i discause this same business with my uncle Mr David and he told me to withdraw from any transaction so far made, that is a deadly game, even if this organisation was intrested with the deal i wouldn't have comply because my uncle said is a deadly game. However, am so sorry and if only you could see what am passing through Is really bad time for me. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', We may be interested in your little diamond transaction after all. Do let me have more details. [Meanwhile, Prince Charles gets a scam offer of his own! He isn't sure what to make of it, and asks the Foreign Office for advice.] Prince Charles This is the massage i found in my inbox, after reading your mail and it dosent seems real to me, based on the volume of money involved. Do you know anything about this befor i will fill the required information. From: THE QUEEN ELIZABETH FOUNDATION <ourofficemail1@bellsouth.net> To: <info@foundationaward.com> Subject: GRANT AWARD FROM QUEEN ELIZABETH OF ENGLAND. Date: Sun, 6 May 2007 FROM THE DESK OF QUEEN ELIZABETH FOUNDATION MANAGER, QUEEN ELIZABETH INTERNATIONAL POVERTY ALLEVIATION GRANT DEPARTMENT UK. 13A Uxbridge Road, Ealing, London W21 4BS. We are please to inform you of the announcement today of the QUEEN ELIZABETH International Poverty Alleviation Grant Scheme held on 5th May 2007. this Grant is given out to selected individuals around the world to help them actualise their dreams and also make the world a better place for all. This Grant is made possible by Queen Elizabeth of England and also the immense support of MR BILL GATES the CHAIRMAN and CEO OF MICROSOFT, USA. Your EMAIL ACCOUNT has been picked as a winner and there fore you have been approved FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS (£500,000) This is from the total Grant Money of FOUR MILLION POUNDS (£4,000,000) shared among the Eight (8) International Grant Winners in Phase Six. All participants were selected through their country internet network. This Grant is part of Queen Elizabeth Foundation. Your Grant Prize has been deposited in our affiliate Courier Company escrow account here in UK, and insured with your Email address. To claim your Grant you must first contact the claims department by Email for processing and remittance of your Grant to you. (CONTACT GRANT MANAGER) Name: Dr. Frank Adams Phone # : +44704 571 4700 E-mail Dr_frankadams_office@yahoo.co.uk For more details about this award call Dr. Frank Adams on phone now: +44704 571 4700. He is to help you in claiming your Grant Money. Please you are adviced to complet the form and send it immediately to our Grant manager through email for prompt collection of your Grant. FILL OUT THIS GRANT VERIFICATION FORM. Name in full: Address: Nationality: Present Country: City/State: Home Phone: Mobile Phone: Email Address: Sex: Age: Occupation: Position: Next of kin: Amount of Grant: Sincerely, Mrs. Veronica Anders Departmental Coordinator Queen Elizabeth Foundation. [Scamoramans, it's not what you're thinking. This did not come from the Foreign Office. This is not a scambait. This is a scam letter from a scammer, to a scammer.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', This is an interesting development. Do send your details to the gentleman and copy us into any replies. Worry not, we shall look after you and see you get what you deserve. Prince Charles With due respect to this organisation, i want you all to kindly listen to the audio of this same song dedicated to HRH Princess Margaret titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " once again and tell me where i have gone rong by dedicating her a honouring song when she promised to assist me further my education and i really wish to know why i deserve this endless modalities. Each time i listen to this song, i always cry to God asking him where did i go rong. My goodwork, now turn to dubious music, could anyone tell me why my music career is dubious, song i did willingly. Honestly speaking, I have no joy in me each time i rember the way this organisation treats me. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Come come, old chap. Don't be despondent. Your luck is changing; we can discuss these diamond modalities, plus you seem to have been awarded some money after all. We are unsure about the payment being offered to you on your last email, as all payments have to go through this Office. It could be a clerical error but it could also be the reward which you are so due. Chin up, old boy. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I must be plain, i dont know what is going on and i must to confess to you that am somehow affraid about the diamonds business, because my uncle said is a deadly game and i dont want to die now. Well, since you wish to know more about the diamonds is of two types according to the owner, gem which are used for the manufacture of neckless, rings and non gem for industrial use and it's carat waight are 7, 17, 18 and 24 and it's colour is colourless and my friend father also brought out one diamond and said he cannot sell it not less than $ 1.500000. Meanwhile, if this organisation is intrested i can only connect you to the farther whom i so much trust and his age is 62 years old, he said the diamonds is personal property, all am intrested is my own share. But the truth is you have to come to Nigeria to see it first, befor going into negotiation and please dont come with any money because Enugu is somehow bad and that will be a good opportunity for you people to see me when you come to Nigeria for this deal. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', This could be interesting. Can you verify 100% that these stones are not conflict diamonds? In terms of your e-mail from Her Majesty's Office, I suggest you furnish the gentleman with whatever details he needs. Please copy this Office into any replies. We are here to give you what you deserve, after all. As ever A [Meanwhile Prince Charles responds to the scammer trying to scam him.] Prince Charles From: prince charles <princecharlesworld@yahoo.com> Subject: AM REALLY GREATFUL. To: Queen Elizabeth Foundation Center <dr_frankadams_officebox@yahoo.co.uk> Dear Barrister Leo Benard, Am really greatful for this offer and honestly speaking i dont know how to thank this organisation expercially HRM Queen Elizabeth for this offer, i have no sliver nither gold to show appreciation but i pray to almighty God to bless this organisation and give HRM Queen Elizabeth long life and prosperity in Jesus name i pray, Amen. I hereby answer the below questions as it was demanded by me. Cheers, Prince Charles Nwaimo. Queen Elizabeth Foundation Center <dr_frankadams_officebox@yahoo.co.uk> wrote: QUEEN ELIZABETH INTERNATIONALPOVERTY ALLEVIATION GRANT DEPARTMENT UK. Award Verification Center 15A Uxbridge Road, Ealing, London W21 4BS. Attention: NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES, This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail regarding the notification of the Queen Elizabeth Foundation Grant Award 2007. The Queen Elizabeth Foundation has been conducting this Grant Award for the past four years. This Grant Award is to help selected individuals increase their independence, mobility and improve their life and also develop the communities around them. The processing of your Queen Elizabeth Foundation Grant Award 2007 will begins on the acknowledgment of the below Questionnaire form for verification. After the successful verification, a copy of your award certificate will be forwarded to you as an email attachment, the original certificate will be forwarded to you after meeting up with the claims requirement. QUESTIONAIRE FORM/PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM NAME: .................................... NWAIMO IFEANYI CHARLES AGE: ...................................... 28 SEX: ....................................... MALE ADDRESS: ................................... NO 5 CHIEFAGBO STREET ASATA ENUGU NIGERIA WEST AFRICA EMAIL: ...................................... princecharlesworld@yahoo.com HOME PHONE: ...................................... MOBILE PHONE:.............................. +2348037578607 OCCUPATION: ................................. MUSICIAN COMPANY: .................................... UNKNOWN MUSICIAN COUNTRY: .................................... NIGERIA Have you ever head of the Queen Elizabeth Foundation? YES Have you ever taken part in any community development project? NO Have you ever loan or awarded any foundation or organization? NO Dose any of your family member's belong to any charitable foundation? NO Have you ever won any Award, Promotion OR lottrey before? NO How do you intend to spend the grant award funds? I WILL HELP THE LESS PRIVILLEGE AROUND ME, EXPERCIALLY THE MOTHERLESS AND HOMELESS ONCE. WORK ON MY MUSIC PROJECT, FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND OPEN UP A BUSSINESS, SO THAT THE LESS PRIVILLEGE WILL GET JOB. A big congratulations from the Queen Elizabeth Foundation. I await your filled Questionnaire form. Congratulations once more. Barrister Leo Benard. +44 70457 14700 [Scammer {'Leo Benard'/'Frank Adams'/whoever} might be in the UK as the +44 indicates, or not. Telephone numbers can be forwarded.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Excellent, 'Charles'. Keep us informed. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thank you for your mail. Honestly speaking, i spoke with the farther asking him if the stones is conflict diamonds he said no, that he has the stones since past twenty years that his a private collector that the reason while he has not sell them is that he misplace his lisence and that he dont have upto five million naira to get another lisence, he then went into his room and brought out the diamonds is even many. This is all i know about the diamonds and i really think the old man is saying the truth. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', How does *he* know they were not conflict diamonds? When did he buy them? And from whom? I cannot believe that he can afford to buy diamonds seemingly worth millions of dollars but cannot afford a license. Anyway, in your country he can simply pay some ghastly, sweaty official a small bribe and all will be forgotten. In any case, why do you need a license to own diamonds? A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I never said he bought them, i told you early it was his personal property. I've just taking my time to make an enquiary about the source of this diamonds, the information i got was so peculiar to silence my doubt, he stated that he found it in an old calabash of the grandfarther's Shrine who died as a hero after killing a lion that was troubling the entire village and it was given to him as a great price from the existing Chief Shrine of " ALUBAGA ". But the lions finger nails poison killed him, for several years no body has ever visited the Shrine. But as funtune may have it ways in green pasture this old man open the calabash and found an immeasurable Diamonds. Further more, i will attach the pictures of the sample diamonds snaped by me tomorrow. Best Regards. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Charles'. This is utter nonsense - even by your standards. Have you been drinking? Try again. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agahta Bristol, Seing the said it's believing, herein is the photograph samples i took with the diamonds and if you deem it right, i will be leaving Enugu to Abuja Federal Capital today and i would expect you to come over this weekend for mutual transaction, i will come and pick you from the Airport as well. It's more really to doubt me. Please change your long aged negative immagination about me. Try to have little faith that something good can come out from me, okay? Yours Truly, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', Thank you for these charming images. We shall send them to Agent Devon E. Seel, who will analyse them for authenticity purposes. Have you heard from the chappie about the grant? With all good wishes, Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, z Thanks most sincerely for your kind commendation, but i will appreciate your immediate assessment on the diamonds. Not withstanding i'm boarding an express bus to Abuja Federal Capital rightaway. I will mail you this evening to confirm your proof and certainty of ariving to Abuja this friday or saturday. I'm very opstimistic that ones life is about to change. However, i have not gotten any authentic responds on the chappie grant, but am still hopeful anyway. Thanks in anticipation. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', You can appreciate all you want. Until Agent Seel has responded with analysis of your images, we will not be going anywhere. Do not attempt to railroad us again, or I shall take a dim view of it. This is not some corrupt Presidential election. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Well indeed it will not be corrupt Presidential Election as you speculated. I have just arrived Abuja successfully, i hereby await the confirmation of your analysis. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you as always for your e-mail. As always it is a pleasure to hear from you. Agent Seel is currently in Smegaroon on Special Operations Department business. We shall contact you once he has returned and completed his photographic analysis. I must warn you, however, that I remain as sceptical of this business as I was at the beginning. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, With due respect to your organisation, i wish to forward the mail send to me by Mr Adams for your advice. Honestly speaking, i dont have five hundred and twenty pounds to pay right now. What do i respond to Mr Adams. Cheers, Prince Charles. Date: Thu, 10 May 2007 From: Queen Elizabeth Foundation Center <dr_frankadams_officebox@yahoo.co.uk> Subject: THE QUEEN ELIZABETH FOUNDATION / YOUR FORM WAS RECEIVED. To: prince charles QUEEN ELIZABETH INTERNATIONALPOVERTY ALLEVIATION GRANT DEPARTMENT UK. Award Verification Center 15A Uxbridge Road, Ealing, London W21 4BS. Attention: Nwaimo Ifeanyi Charles, This is to inform you that your questionnaire form was received and has been sent to the Queen Elizabeth Funds Department for processing and i have just contacted the courier company that is responsible for delivering your award cheque to you and i was well informed that it will cost you the sum of 520pounds for them to delivery the grant award parcel to you and they also told me to ask you to reconfirm your home address detail to them. You are to get back to me so that i can inform you on how to go about making the payment to them. Regards, Dr Frank Adams. +44 70457 14700 Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', What does he want £520 for exactly? Tell him you want to see more proof. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Okay, it's good to sit down and plan, but when it's time for action one should kill procastination. Please act fast less the rightful owner gets through with another buyer and write me off, for now you're the only international contact i can rely on. All the best. Prince Charles Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', For goodness' sake have some patience!! Agent Seel is the only one qualified to examine the documentation and only when we get the analysis can we be sure if we wish to carry on. In the meantime, *you* need to speak to the gentleman about your grant. One other thing - do you have a fan club for your music? Prince Charles Dear Lady Bristol, I have just written him concerning that shit. You know what, i never believe that old cad. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', I'd appreciate it if you'd moderate your language. Why do you not believe him? He seems perfectly pleasant to us. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, Why are you forcing me into unknown. First of all, i did not apply for HRM Queen Elizabeth Charity or Grant and why do you ask me to demand for more proof if you are so sure of them? That reminds me, now that you are having my music video record what about the fund you mention to be given to me as soon as this organisation recieve my video record? Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', You have been selected to receive the grant. I suggest you respond to the gentleman. Secondly, we are analysing your evidence. These things take time. Do not rush us! Prince Charles Well, am still sitting on edge to hear from you or why dont you connect me to a rightful dealer while you make your percentage since Seel is not in town. Honestly speaking, delay is dengerous and you know that. What if the owner changes his mind. Am not asking the buyer to come to Nigeria with any money, but to come and see to believe and bargain with the old man so that he wont change his mind please. Have a re-think over this, i dont want to miss this opportunity and you know how long i have been on this organisation neck to help me and here comes it. Am so cool. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you as always for your email. The point is, if your dealer wishes us to buy the diamonds, he should come to London. We can have lunch at Claridges and discuss modalities then. What do you think of this idea? Prince Charles Dear Agatha, I have spent couple of times to convince the old man but he said neither him or the son will go to London because people travel a long way even to the moon insearch of a treasure like this. I do suggest, knowing that you stand in the gap as king makers, please you could send Seel with some tasting equipments of diamonds to come over, after the confirmation we have a deal. If you deem it fit, i strongly believe there will be positive transaction. Best Regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', It's Lady Agatha to you. And you're the ones with the diamonds that you wish to sell. Why should any Foreign Office staff travel over there with all the flies and corruption and whatnot? Agent Seel is now back in London and we shall be meeting later at the Custard Rooms. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, How i wish you are for me. Well, i will be waiting to here your final decission befor taking another stepping stone after the meeting at the custered room with Mr Seel. Once again, there's nothing to be afraid of Abuja is better than Enugu in terms of security and that's the reason while i arrange our meeting at Abuja beside am not asking you to come with any money yet, just to come and see the diamonds and bargain with the old man while i make my own percentage and what not. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your e-mail. If you must know, The Custard Rooms are located in the West Annexe of the Special Operations Department. They are used for high-level meetings, Royal receptions and other Foreign Office business. To matters outstanding: I do not, for the life of me, see why we should come over to the Third World when you are hawking these diamonds. We have no proof of their origin despite your rather thin explanation; we have no proof that they even exist, come to that. You must come here with the diamonds. No negotiation. A Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' DON'T BE SO DAMNED IMPERTINENT_YOU'LL COME HERE WITH THESE NO DOUBT SCAMMY STONES AND THAT'S FLAT_IF LADY AGATHA ORDERS IT THEN IT HAPPENS_GET THAT INTO YOUR THICK HEAD AND STOP THIS SHILLY-SHALLYING AROUND FOR GODS SAKE - S Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I suggest we forget about this transaction. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles' Please don't react this way - we are interested in the stones - and are even offering you and your tribe free board and lodgings! Agent Stroganov - after great persuasion, is has to be said - will take you on a tour of the Custard Rooms. Think about it, Charles. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Am not sure that this organisation wants to help me in any way. First of all, HRH said to me no music no dorks and you made it clear to me that their's nothing like dorks, when i send the music to her what happened accusation.You said no video record, no money. Now that i have sent you my video record what happened! nothing lady Agatha. I brought Diamond stone all the way from Enugu to Abuja for we to negotiate, so that i can sale it and make my own 20% and become useful to myself, there was know useful attention given to me, i also sent you my NGO project for your assessment, what do i recieve accusation. Infact, everything about this organisation is accusation! accusation! accusation. If is a mistake by knowing HRH Princess Margaret so be it. I have givenup. Honestly speaking, I will appreciate if this organisation stop mailing me, i just want to forget everything about this organisation. Do i talk about the pains you pass me through, the shame, time wasted, money wested, busy doing nothing a motherless child, school drop out that comes to HRH Princess Margaret for assistance and what do i recieve nothing. I have givenup and i appreciate all the wicked time i share with this organisation.v Goodbye and leave me alone, please. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', Your stupidity has never been more obvious than now. You knew months ago that The Special Operations Department exists to hunt down and deal with 419 scammers like yourself. It has been interesting - and at times very amusing - dealing with you, and I hope that the last 11 months have taught you a valuable lesson: that crime does not pay, and that you would be far better served getting an honest job far away from Abuja, Enugu and Festac Town. For a scammer, however, you do not seem an evil fellow, so consider this a lesson learnt. If you do choose to work legally, we wish you luck. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Dear agatha bristol, You can call me what ever you feel like, my joy is that i know who i am. I only pray God to help me sell the diamonds and make my own percentage then you will hear my album very soon. I have story to tell the world about you and this organisation, if God tary.. 'Charles', Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Were I you, I would save this stupid talk for the local jailer, for that is where you are surely headed if you continue wasting your life like this. If you really are a musician, by all means pursue a career in this area. 419 scamming is not your vocation - you have neither the intelligence or ability for it. A Prince Charles Dear Agatha, Knowing who you are and your position, know scammer or 419 will ever wish to deal or negotiate Diamonds business with you or this organisation or even send my NGO project to this organisation for assessment, but i did that with reason. Understanding that you can only be rich from the people you know and not what you know. Well, to God be the glory i have sold some of the diamonds and the percentage given to me is a enough to work on my music album and what not. I even dedicate you a song titled " YOU BROUGHT THE BEST OF ME" i mentioned your name and how you accuses me and yet i did not giveup destiny, the lyrics is to sorrowful, painful and meanful to fetch me Grammy Award. Once again, i thank God for everything. All things work out for good for them that love God. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', If you expect us to believe this nonsense then you are even more silly and naive than we thought. Be off with you! A June 4 update: Prince Charles Your Highness, Is someone like you who can see a king in a kid and bring it forth. Is quite painful that you turn away from me without even saying goodbye despite my regards and honour for you, why?. Each day i remeber what i pass through and all accusation against me i have know joy in me. This organisation have scandalize my name as a scammer or 419 while am not. Your Highness with due respect, i have some money with me i want to come over to London and do that same song live together with the video clip with you titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " and come back to Nigeria just to prove my innocent. I look forward to recieve ugent invitation letter now that i have some money with me. Remain bless. Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' LADY AGATHA IS AWAY SO I WILL ANSWER YOUR QUERY_WE WERE ALWAYS HAPPY TO CONDUCT MODALITIES WITH YOU BUT YOUR CONSTANT COMPLAINING AND DELAYING TACTICS AS WELL AS YOUR RATHER SHADY PAST PUT A DAMPENER ON THINGS_HOWEVER I MIGHT BE ABLE TO CONVINCE HER LADYSHIP TO RESCUE THIS DEAL - IF YOU CAN PROVE YOURSELF WORTHY_IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE READING THIS GET YOUR LOCAL WARLORD TO ASSIST BUT THINK HARD AND GET BACK TO ME MAN - S Prince Charles I sent my mail to HRH and not you. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' LISTEN UP AND LISTEN WELL YOU IMPERTINENT PIECE OF TRASH_LADY AGATHA DOES HER HIGHNESS' BIDDING AS HRH IS FAR TOO BUSY WITH MATTERS OF STATE TO BOTHER WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS RAMBLINGS_THAT IS WHAT THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT IS FOR_LADY AGATHA IS IN SMEGAROON THIS WEEKEND ON FOREIGN OFFICE BUSINESS_THEREFORE IT IS DOWN TO ME TO DEAL WITH YOU_THIS DOES NOT FILL ME WITH PLEASURE I CAN TELL YOU SO YOU EITHER WORK WITH ME OR NOT AT ALL_IS THE CLEAR?? - S Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, When will you stop to be a noise maker, i think its better to be a news maker than noise maker. I have real made money, the Charles you use to know as a begger is no longer a begger. So, i will appreciate if you remain silent, ok? Cheers, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov CHARLES THIS BLITHERING BLUSTERING BRAVADO IS BOTHERSOME_WHY WERE YOU WHINING TO HRH LAST WEEK IF YOU ARE SUDDENLY WEALTHY?_HAVING SAID THAT I WOULD IMAGINE THAT BEING RICH IN FESTAC TOWN IS SIMPLY OWNING MORE THAN ONE GOAT_NOW CEASE THIS NONSENSE!!_DO YOU WANT THESE MUSICAL MODALITIES TO BE RESUCED OR NOT??? june 9 update Prince Charles Dear Mikhail Stroganov, Knowing that my brand of music is far more marketed in the western world, i intend to do both the movie therein in UK, just be mild at me and forward the official invitation with your signatory and stamp send it through scanning or postage. Yours Sincerely, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Prince Charles Attention Mikhail Stronganov. I said i need invitation letter from this organisation is that clear. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' AN INVITATION???_WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???_LISTEN TO ME MY GOOD MAN_YOU ARE TRYING TO SELL THIS DAMNABLE PROJECT TO US AND WE HAVE ONE OR TWO IDEAS WE WISH TO DISCUSS_IF YOU WANT TO COME OVER THEN GET ON WITH IT BUT THERE'LL BE NO RED CARPET TREATMENT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU AND YOUR GROTTY GANG I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT Prince Charles So, what the hell are you talking about ? Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' I SUGGEST YOU ADOPT A MORE RESPECTFUL TONE OR IT WILL BE THE WORSE FOR YOU_WE WANT TO ASSIST IN THESE MODALITIES AS WE HAVE FROM DAY ONE_KINDLY GIVE ME AN UPDATE AS TO WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH YOUR ALBUM AND THE DIAMONDS_THIS INSTANT June 16 [By now we thought 'Charles' had wised up. He's sent an MP3 to the Foreign Office. He's started his own MySpace page and put a video of himself on it. He hasn't seen a naira from Princess Margaret and isn't going to. He's tried to sell her diamonds. It's been a year. He's losing his temper. But he isn't giving up!] Prince Charles Stronganov, IT's obvious to me that everything about this organisation is fake and bulshit. I advice you dont circumvent one's right and caussing people to live a westful life because you must surely be judged and burn in hell. I have rededecated that very song tited " WE WISH YOU THIS " to a well known reputable woman whose name, i will not mention untill you hear the song in the World Media CNN, BBC and Channel O. I do hereby revoke every unneccessary terms of dedication i made to this illusion representer of this organisation, i refused to be your mugu, the chain of your muguness over my life is broken. You can offer your charity organisation all the fake promises so far made to me. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' HOW DARE YOU THREATEN ME WITH THIS NATIVE JIGGERY-POKERY_WE HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT KIND AND TOLERANT TOWARDS YOU YET HAVE HAD TO PUT UP WITH YOUR CHRONIC STUPIDITY_DELAYING TACTICS_AND POINTLESS PETULANCE_ THE LATEST OF WHICH SHOWS NOT ONLY WHAT A GOOD DECISION WE MADE HOLDING OFF ON THESE MODALITIES BUT THAT YOU ARE JUST A SCUMMY SCAMMER ROTTING AWAY IN SOME INTERNET CAFE IN FESTAC TOWN_NOW DO YOU WISH TO GET THIS PROJECT OFF THE GROUND OR NOT???_LAST CHANCE MY FRIEND_AND BY THE WAY_IT'S AGENT STROGANOV TO YOU Prince Charles Now am not your mugu anymore, am not intrested ! Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', 'Charles', 'Charles', I hate to tell you this, but you have been our pet mugu for well over a year, old thing. Now get lost. A Prince Charles Agatha, Very soon the world will know the truth. They that dwel in the darkness have seen the light and they are save you can get lost to hell and burn to ashes. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', That's not very polite, old boy. And despite your little threats, I have not seen any evidence of your album. Why not send us a copy? You never know what may happen. And it's Lady Agatha to you. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, Not polite indeed, Julious Ceazer said "even you Brutus ". i never expected you to tell me get lost. Nevertheless, that is how we say goodbye to crude Mugu termonology. There's no need sending you a copy of my music, but if you wanna be my friend or sugar Mummy i can send you an invitation letter under the auspices of our new NGO "Worldwide Peace Rebirth" which am now officially appointed as the Regional Secretary General. Herein we are championing the cause of Combating Terrorism from the grassroot and also anticipating the United Nations to Adopt our Proposal on the above subject in attachment of our Campaign sound track titled " ALL WE NEED IS PEACE " shortly i will be in UK to meet with Tony Blay with our formal Head of state General Yakubu Gowon to discaus on conflict resolution in some African subregion. Baby the story has changed from what it use to be, lack of money actually heed my potential all this while, please notify your staffs to delet that satanic spel they cast on my name and email address in the internet because theirs a deffinit terms by which that matter should be adjudicated on the scandalisation of my reputable name. If you truely exist i like to meet with you for a mutual benefit. Best regards, Prince Charles. [Scam-o-note: General Gowon was president of Nigeria back in the 1960s. From which we may deduce that 'formal' = 'former' in English. Scamorama is of the opinion that 'Prince Charles' is enjoying a bit of baiting himself. The Foreign Office feels that 'Prince Charles' is simply insane. We shall see.] Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Firstly, you can refrain from your rather strange affectionate terms. I am 54 years old! Secondly - at last - you would appear to be making some sense. Princess Margaret seems to trust you. It is no secret that we do not. However, I am prepared to let bygones be bygones and see what can be done with this anti-terrorism drive. Oh, and Tony Blair has resigned. Gordon Brown will be PM in the couple of weeks or so. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' YOU SCABBY SHIT-FOR-BRAINS_YOU WILL ADDRESS HER LADYSHIP WITH RESPECT OR YOU WILL FEEL THE ROUGH EDGE OF AGENT SHEVCHENKO'S SNIPER RIFLE I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT_HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO YOUR BETTERS LIKE THAT_MODIFY YOUR TONE IMMEDIATELY OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY_IS THAT CLEAR??? - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_MOSCOW OFFICE july 2 update [Well, folks, looks like we finally found a scammer with a sense of humor. The Foreign Office do not agree. They feel 'Charles' is simply an idiot. Not being the gambling type, Scamorama will sit back and see how it plays out.] Prince Charles My dear friend Stronganov, I will advice you refrain from your manner of approch or you remain a security and a servant all your life. It's not your business if i tease Lady Agatha. Kings dine's with fellow kings and princess, securities should be silent and watch, okay? Best regards, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' YOU ARE NO FRIEND OF MINE I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT_YOUR MISPLACED CONFIDENCE_WHETHER FROM BEING AT THE LOCAL MOONSHINE OR SIMPLY A BYPRODUCT OF YOUR INNATE STUPIDITY_IS AMUSING BUT IF I HEAR YOU REFER TO LADY AGATHA IN THOSE TERMS AGAIN I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOUR KNEECAPS WILL BE WHERE YOUR ELBOWS ARE MEANT TO BE_DO YOU UNDERSTAND???_NOW THAT UNPLEASANTNESS IS OUT OF THE WAY WE ARE WAITING TO SEE HOW WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER_I SUGGEST YOU GET ON WITH IT BEFORE OUR INTEREST FADES COMPLETELY Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Thank you, Agent Stroganov. As always, you are a rock in these situations. Now, 'Charles', what is it that you want? The Foreign Office is very keen to assist in any anti-terrorism drive. A Prince Charles Dear Agatha Bristol, Below is the recent investigation responds given to me by CIA friend in London. So am demoralized to have further transaction with this organisation because you people have actually bridged trust. That was the reason i have rededicated my song to a public figure in the western world, you will hear of it soon. ( I bet you still don't realize that HRH Princess Margaret is a fake. There is no Princess Margaret. There is no money coming from anyone and you've been had. Give it up, muguu. You're a lost cause. ) Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dearest Charles, Please address me as Lady Agatha. I really do not know what to say. HRH Princess is alive and well - we even took custard together for elevensies whilst discussing these modalities. Your 'source' has perhaps got the wrong end of the stick, if you'll pardon the vernacular. HRH Princess Margaret I died some years back; but her daughter, HRH Princess Margaret II, has taken up her duties. I hope this clarifies things. Now: we have a suggestion. There has been much water under the bridge over this past year, and perhaps both yourself and this Office have made pronouncements that were perhaps, looking retrospectively, a little hasty. I would like to let bygones be bygones in the truest form of British fair play, and start afresh. We can begin by discussing your new role at Worldwide Peace Rebirth and your anti-terrorism drive. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, You just complained about the address of your name, when i counted on you as sweet 16 and you now quoated that you are 54 years to scare me away knowing that there's no age barrier in relationship, ignoring the fact that the Honey part of you could still be juicy, and now you want me to address you as a Lady. It's cool you could appreciate the context of a sweet Lady. Cheers. If you want further transaction on this anti terrorism which our recent meeting with UN Officials and my former Head of State concluded that our ideas to puncture the balloon of terrorism in the world is unique and uncommon will be adopted for $3 billion as soon as we commence our campaign and other propergander to champion this global project, when i see the fruit of the song i dedicated to HRH Princess Mragaret titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " if you have it burried in the obscurity of the world, i think we should remain family friends whereas i proceed with my recent rededication of the same sound track. Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Your attempts to charm me, whilst having a child-like native charm, are, I'm afraid, doomed to fail. I do not quite understand the nature of your note, but I see you have sent us another e-mail, so I shall reply to that appropriately. As ever Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Your explanation about HRH Princess Margaret is well understood and clear. Cheers, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Excellent, old boy. Let us commence modalities. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, What makes you think is more like charm and a doomed to fail? Are you actually saying you don't have a positive reaction in your system, because of age? trust me i can bring you back to base and make you feel goody goody! Well, you seem to be ignoring and puting aside something about my worked track in your care, can you please give me your last explanation about that song because am about to do what i feel is right, don't be surprise in my next action. Loving regards, P Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Enough crass stupidity, please. In any case, you all look alike to me. Now, you will see that I have copied in one of our elite associatess, Mr. Lewis D. Noogie. We have decided to back you both in your anti-terrorism drive and your musical career. Mr. Noogie will be your campaign and PR manager. He has connections all over the world. Be advised that you will copy in to this Office any correspondence with Mr. Noogie, as he works closely with us. Your advice on how to proceed, please. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, I would like to know which area your organisation needs my help, don't always assume i still need a help it's United Nations am working with now. God has change my destiny, you don't understand? i lay infases on my music because God hate westage and that song can not be a waste effort, you gat me? Am contacting international radicle Judge Gani Fayomi to take over the parnel on this single soundtrack i dedicated for the living HRH Princess Margaret as you clearify me because even Elton John who dedicated a song titled " CANDLE IN THE WIND " for the late Princess Diana made more than $30million talkless of the living Princess Margaret who could even appreciate a song in her name to be aired and marketed therein send me royalties. I will advice you stop taking for granted because i love you as a mother having lost my own mother, i count on you that you should be reasonable enough to see a smile on a motherless child and wish him to spend all his life in prosperity as God has started. Best regards, Prince Charles Nwaimo Regional Secretary General Worldwide Peace Rebirth. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', Thank you as always for your note. Whilst I am pleased that you are now adopting a tone more suited to your new status, please can you explain the following: "i lay infases on my music because God hate westage and that song can not be a waste effort, you gat me?" and "Am contacting international radicle Judge Gani Fayomi to take over the parnel on this single soundtrack" Additionally, we need more information on this anti-terrorism drive you mentioned. How is your music going to work in that context? Are you going to threaten Osama Bin Laden by telling him you'll play him 'We Wish You This' at full volume at the entrance to his cave unless he surrenders? You'll forgive my levity, old boy, but we really must get these modalities moving - even after redecorating The Custard Rooms we are £10,000,000 under budget at the moment and we need to spend these funds otherwise our new budget will be adjusted accordingly. Have you contacted Mr Noogie, by the way? Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' JUST GET ON WITH IT FOR GODS SAKE - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_MOSCOW OFFICE Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, Have you start drinking again to the extend of not understanding a simple mail, as you ascribe yourself as the Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London. Christ! this is unbelievable, i suggest you consult your native witch doctor for explanation or your legal advicer to avoid the consequency of emlopment of my song in UK. Best regards, Prince Charles Nwaimo Regional Secretary General Worldwide Peace Rebirth Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', Emlopment? What is emlopment? As for your rather embarrassing and crude native wit, it does not become you. I am a qualified Barrister, so please - for the umpteenth time - can we get these modalities moving? Have you contacted Mr. Noogie? A Mikhail Stroganov NWAIMO YOU ARE SPEAKING TO YOUR SUPERIORS SO I SUGGEST YOU KEEP A CIVIL TONE IN THESE MATTERS_IS THAT CLEAR???? - S The Humble Postmaster This is great. At last! A scammer with an obvious sense of humor! I mean, it must get boring sitting in the internet cafe all day. Mikhail Stroganov IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT_FRANKLY I AM TEMPTED TO ASK AGENT SHEVCHENKO TO VISIT 'CHARLES'' SHANTYTOWN AND END THIS MUDHUT FARCE ONCE AND FOR ALL I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT_IF YOU ASK ME HRH IS FAR TO KIND TO THIS MUGU MISCREANT BUT THIS IS JUST A CROSS WE HAVE TO BEAR_KEEP THE CUSTARD BOILING - S Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, Did you say modalities? modalities that has not produce a result of past invent package of my single sound track titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " dedicated to your Princes. I think when you give birth to a child you expect that child to grow, don't you? You will hear from my Judge Gani Fayomi shortly. Furthermore, what makes you think that i will contact Mr. Noogie, the only thing humanity needs to fulfill a destiny is God's grace and favour, okay? if you want to get my attention in continuinty of this Global project towards campaign on Combating Terrorism from the grassroot, please let's have a reasonable conclussion for my sound track. Am not a baby to toil with again, you gat me? Best regards, Prince Charles Nwaimo Regional Secretary General Worldwide Peace Rebirth. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Listen to me, Nwaimo, or whatever you call yourself today. And listen well. You either stop this pathetic and juvenile whining or we get down to business. I am starting to think that your so-called lofty position is yet another fantasy or rather a laughable attempt to scam money from us. Send me proof of this new role or the deal is off. A Prince Charles Agatha or barrister ise ayakata. Did you say to scam money, oh dear am after my music and i rather die a thousand times than to let my music go just like that. The music that lead to the death of the one i love most " Grandpa " if only i could lay my eyes on your so called evil Princess i would have shown her the flying face of Judan. I think seeing is believing, you will see to believe. Needless of you writing me again at least i have enough evidence to back myself in the law court. Is time to play the game. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', All this talk of juju dolls and voodoo is not going to help modalities! What *are* you thinking of? A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, I need the reward of my music or this organisation should sign an undertaking for me that they have nothing to do with my single soundtrack dedicate to HRH Princess Margaret titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " then we can proceed with my new NGO project, okay? Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your e-mail. What reward? The song is finished, apparently. We have offered you free advice from Mr. Noogie - I do not see what more we can do! As ever A July 13 update [Mentioning Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie, who has often graced these pages in his own right, may have been a tactical error.] Prince Charles Now i know who you are,sorry i dont need any advicer. I will go on to air my music. Lewd Noogie Lady Agatha, It would appear that your Prince Charles may be familiar with me. Perhaps he checked me out in that infamous 'World Trade Directory'. Damn! I was so looking forward to managing his career. Yours in the arms of regret, Lewd Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear Lewd, Thank you for your note. It just goes to show how youth is wasted on the young. Thank you as always for your assistance. We look forward to seeing you at Annie's soon. With best wishes, as ever, A Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', This attitude is most unhelpful. Mr. Noogie is a close associate of Daddy-Freze Yo, who would have signed you to Ladz Records. But that is your decision, old boy. Where do we go from here? A Prince Charles Am not sure that any good thing can come out of this organisation, it's over. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Mugu, For the umpteenth time... I must tell you that plenty of good has come from this organization; you have been taken for the greedy, stupid fool you really are for the last year - from day one, I might add. That you keep coming back for more is, quite frankly, getting embarassing - though you have provided education for some and amusement for many, on www.scamorama.com - the perfect place for contemptible 419 criminals. Even the ones who are borderline retarded, just like you. We have had enough of you, 'Charles'; but once again, congratulations. You've been dealt with - well and truly I'd say - by The Special Operations Department. Now go away. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Do you know the wages of scandalizing someones name, i rather die than to leave and see my innocent name scandalize just like that when i did not scam or dupe anything from you or this organisation. You can never, never go free. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', Do you not understand? Do you really not understand? You are a 419 scammer. We deal with people like you every day. You have, to use the vernacular, been had. What will it take for you to understand? You are not going to get a penny. And if you can at least try to be honest, you are no UN Ambassador or whatever grandiose title you have dreamt up today. Come to think of it - you are no Prince, either. What we do not understand is why you do not just carry on trying to become a successful musician (your video file would suggest that this, at least, is true) and work part-time at something legal. Plenty of people do this, even, I would imagine, in Nigeria. This scamming, this stupid, stupid con-trick you are trying, does not work. Your attempts to extort money are undignified and embarrasing. You are not cut out for criminality. Own up, grow up and be something - while you remain at liberty. [Meanwhile Princess Margaret returns to find everything in disarray.] Princess Margaret My Dear Charles I have lately returned after an extended sojurn at Royal Smegaroon and find a right carry on between yourself, my courtiers and associated other individuals some of which appear to have been dragged into this business on the flimsiest of pretence, an involvement which is hardly conducive to the confidentiality I thought we had agreed. I really cannot be bothered to wade through your various messages and what not, created during this process and which have clogged up my in box during my absence in such a distressing manner. What on earth is going on? Sir Marmite has shown me the video you have made of my song which for moment has put me in good temper but I am not sure what the problem is, and why you have adopted such a strident tone of denial and pettifogging of late. You know my opinions on native tomfoolery of this sort and I really cant have my time and resources abused in this fashion. Margaret. Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto, Room 101 The Royal Les Dawson Suite Kensington Doss House, Buckingham London FU2 GlT (+44) (0)20 7930 4832 Prince Charles Your Highness Princess Margaret, You are highly welcome back. It's quite sometimes, i thank God for breaking the long silent i must bring to your knowledge that some of your staff lack manner, a leader could be greatly extablished with honour when there are wise advicers around the leader but if cruty and crafty people who dont see good things and appreciate it with honour, but only to toil with it and cast a spell of ingratitude on it unlike Sedenrila's step wicked mother who intended to burry the little girl's star but God who hold her destiny prevailed. It's a remarkable invent that is happening between you and me, but i think you may have better understanding to put things inorder. I advice you communicate to me as in first class because in human relationship nobody is indispensible. We might comeup with something reasonable after all the wested time. I have lot's of files to attend in our new NGO, i will keep intouch. Best regards, Prince Charles Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', Appealing to Her Royal Highness' kind nature with yet another of your rambling, whining, poorly-written (what is 'cruty'?) messages is not going to get you what you want. However, using words of one syllable: There is no cash as you are scum. There is no cash as you are a thief. There is no cash and there never was. Is that clear? Usless element. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Am not looking up to get any money from you or this organisation. But scandalising my name when am innocent, honestly it burns my heart before God and man and you know is not fair and that is the reason am contacting my Judge who is petron in our new NGO to sue your organisation for the scandalization and deformation of character and circumventing and emlopment of my single soundtrack titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " in UK, okay? As i said earlier it's a mistake knowing HRH Princess Margaret, so be it. Best regards, Prince Charles Nwaimo Regional Secretary General Worldwide Peace Rebirth. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles'!! Enough of this nonsense!! You are trying my patience - you ARE a 419 scammer and you WERE looking to defraud this Office. Go away. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Please for the last time, i want you to do me a favour befor you say goodbye to innocent African child who honour your Princess and what you think that is good for him is to scandalize his name, just for you to have promotion. Could you please send me one of your picture i like to see the face that hate African's and how long will red season stop in this our world? Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', We don't hate Africans; we respect all races, nationalities, races, colours, backgrounds and creeds. It's 419 scammers we detest. I'm sure you know what kind of person we are referring to; those who prey on people. The greedy I have no time for; it's the innocent and naive we are here to protect from the likes of you and your ilk, and we shall carry on doing so until you are defeated. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, You know what barfles me most is that i dedicate your Princess a honouring song in all her good works and ask God to bless her the more, all i recieve from you Lady Agatha is to scandalize my name. Well, my bible tells me that " as you do unto men, so shall men do unto you ". Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', For the first time in my career, I am unsure what to do with you. You just will not go away, will you? You just do not understand, do you? update: august 7, 2007 No. It's still not over. Yes it did occur to us that 'Charles' was having a bit of fun too, but he doesn't seem intelligent enough for that. It's barfling. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, How do you want me to go away and what have i not understand? for Christ sake you make me pass through hell on that single sound track. Honestly, this is like a wound and it's scar will never, never go. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', We think you are still unaware of what has happened here. It is either monumental stupidity or impertinence on your part, but we cannot seem to get through to you. With this in mind, I shall set things out for you, though it embarrasses me to do so, quite frankly: i) You contacted Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret and her Royal Associates, begging for money. Because you are a criminal. ii) We - that is The Foreign Office Special Operations Department, were asked to intervene. Because you are a criminal. iii) We have been conducting an anti-419 operation against you, wasting your time and (we hope) money. There was never any question of you receiving a penny from us. Because you are a criminal. iv) We told you more than once that you have been the victim of one of our operations. Because you are a criminal. v) You came up with a lame diamond-selling con, which we were not having anything of. Because you are a criminal. vi) You protest your innocence, telling even more lies - in particular about being some sort of UN Ambassador. Because you are a criminal. vii) We told you once more about why we correspond with you. Because you are a criminal. viii) We offered you advice on how to become a law-abiding citizen, working honestly. But you declined. Because you are a criminal. ix) And you *STILL*, well after a year, protest your innocence. Which is twice as worse. Because you are a criminal. x) You seem to have no inclination to work legitimately for your money. And this means you have been given what you truly deserve. Because you are a criminal. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, I think we understand you better but we shall see to all this accusation sooner or later. Infact, make sure you file out all your evidence against me. Best regards, Prince Charles Nwaimo Regional Secretary General Worldwide peace rebirth. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Charles, Thank you for your amusing e-mail. So what does the Regional Secretary General (a job which doesn't exist) for 'Worldwide Peace Rebirth' (which doesn't exist) plan to do? I note your use of the word 'we' - by this you mean your sponsor at the internet cafˇ? He's a crook, just like you. But as always we look forward to hearing from you. As ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Seeing is believing, we will arrive London any moment from now. Right now we are in Ghana campagining for Worldwide Peace Rebirth. I just want to see your wicked face, okay? and make sure you pay for scandalization. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', You may well be in Ghana - but no doubt in some ghastly internet café in downtown Accra. As for your threats - I have not been so amused at anything like this since Agent Miracsky got covered in custard last year at the Wankershire Tea Dance. Scamorama: I thought we agreed not to discuss that with outsiders. It was all I could do to cover up the story. I leaned on the press hard, I can assure you of that. Miracsky seems unrepentant to this day. Images of him dancing on the tables, singing "and when I get that feeling, I want sexual healing" will never leave me. Marvin Gaye must be rolling (or something) in his grave. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE: Thank you for your note. Whilst there was indeed a blackout - we thought that this episode was possibly linked to the Bowden Affair - we feel that limited disclosure at this time will not do any harm. Indeed, Mirascky can always do with being reminded of the error of his ways. As for the 'quality' of his singing - that is, as you infer, probably best kept in-house. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' THIS IS GETTING EMBARRASSING_KINDLY SLING YOUR HOOK AS THEY SAY IN LONDON AND GET LOST - S Prince Charles Are you Scared or what, as nothing could stop the stars from shining so shall not stop the truth. Relase my friend. Mikhail Stroganov CHARLES SHUT UP AND GO AWAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE_WE KNOW THAT YOU ARE JUST A 419 SCAMMER AND NOT A GOOD ONE AT THAT_YOUR GREED AND STUPIDITY IS ON THE INTERNET TO AMUSE MANY AND EDUCATE ALL NOW GET LOST Prince Charles Mr Mikhail, I can only get lost, when am 100% sure that your so called evil Princess Margaret exist and to see the wicked face of Lady Agatha in the Law Court only then will i finally say goodbye to you leaving ghost and shadow. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', As Agent Stroganov would say, you will be waiting a long time, I can assure you of that. A Prince Charles Yes! i have no choice than to wait. I need to findout the truth about who the hell is Princess Margaret, okay? Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', Her Royal Highness is Queen Elizabeth's late daughter's sister's brother-in-law's sixteenth cousin's (twice removed) father's uncle's sister's aunt's brother's sister's father-in-law's eighth cousin's mother's sister's father's daughter. By marriage. As ever, A Prince Charles Dear Agatha Bristol, If really she exist, why is she inhuman and ingratitude to African child who honoured her musically and ask God to bless her and what she think that is good to me is to support you to scandalize my name, even Jezibel in the bible is kind when ever the servants praise her. Is your Princess Jezibel? though i still do not believe that this organisation exist untill i come to UK. Well, my new album will come out by next month and my honouring hit track is titked " THE QUEEN OF QUEENS " dedicated to HRM Queen Elizabeth whom am 100% sure of her good works all over the world. Best regards, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES'_YOU REALLY ARE PATHETIC_I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU ARE BOTHERING US BUT IF YOU COME TO LONDON A SPECIAL RECEPTION FROM THE AUTHORITIES AWAITS I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT_I SUGGEST YOU GET LOST AS WE HAVE OTHER MUGUS TO ATTEND TO Prince Charles Dear Mikhail, You know why i love you among all is that each time i recieve your mail i always remeber one mad man in my village who always talk out of point. When will you stop been a noise maker and become a news maker. Well, i still love you my man. Best regards, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov CHARLES HERE IS SOME NEWS FOR YOU MY FRIEND_YOU ARE A WORTHLESS 419 SCAMMER_HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS???_IT IS LIKE DEALING WITH A RETARDED AMOEBA_NOW FOR GODS SAKE GET LOST Prince Charles Dear Mikhail, You know what i like the way you always sound so stupid and unlearned security. What make you think i will just get lost without acomplishing my mission to get you criminals arrested. And for your information expect me like Jesus Christ in UK to air my new album. You get lost! because am coming for this organisation that dosn't esist. Mikhail Stroganov CHARLES YOU CALLING US CRIMINALS HAD THE WHOLE OF VLADIMIR'S ON SMEGAROON ISLAND IN GALES OF LAUGHTER_MR POT MAY I INTRODUCE MR KETTLE_FOR GODS SAKE MAN GO AWAY NOW WHILE YOU HAVE SOME SEMBLANCE OF DIGNITY_ Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Dear 'Charles', I'll try - again - to explain a few home truths, though it seems that I am wasting my time. Her Royal Highness tried to help you. We explained to her - painstakingly - that you are a thief, a criminal and a scoundrel. She now understands that. We have dealt with you, so please, as Princess Candice would no doubt say, get lost and e-mail someone who cares. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha The last word Jesus Christ said on the cross of cavary was Father forgive them for they do not know what they do. I pray God to forgive you Lady Agatha could you please say Amen. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', Thank you for another amusing e-mail. In terms of forgiveness, I suggest you look in the mirror and ask yourself exactly why you are doing this. Prince Charles Oh My Dear Lady Agatha, Is of know use looking at the mirror because am innocent of all your accusation against me. I suggest you look at the mirror and ask God for forgiveness because the gate of hell is knocking at your door and if you did not repent it will be too bad for you because you take away African Child right. I love you but Jesus loves you most. Best regards. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', I am not sure if you are in denial, have been taking drugs or drinking the local moonshine, but frankly this is getting embarrassing. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, I dont take drugs neither to drink, all am asking you is to do the right thing. The reason why i cant easily forget or let go this project is that you really make me pass through the hell in the name of this organisation will help me and the most painful part of it is that i lost my grandpa along the process at the end of the day what i recieve from you Lady Agatha is accusation against innocent African Child just for you to recieve promotion. So, what you need is repentance if not the gate of hell is knocking at your door because am praying Gudgemental prayer against your life. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE 'Charles', You are a liar and a thief. We have no interest in dealing with you, because you have been exposed as the mugu 419 scum that you are. A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, If truly this organisation exist, i strongly believe that all your accusation against me is just for you to have promotion. Now i have deside to make sure that HRH Princess Margaret promote you from low level to higher level with the following reasons: am a 419, criminal, scammer, frudalizm, arm robber, thief, killer, raper, laier, devil, evil, i mean everything you think that is bad on this earth is what i'm. Are you happy now? Remain bless and happy promotion. Cheers, Prince Charles. Mikhail Stroganov CHARLES YOU ARE A CRIMINAL YOU ARE A LIAR YOU ARE A SCAMMER AND A POOR ONE AT THAT_ S Prince Charles Dear noise maker, By the time you will hear my fame in UK with the song titled " QUEEN OF THE QUEENS ", you will come to me and say am Mr Stronganove the one you use to call noise maker, I mean in this month of August. And for your information you can only delay a star but you cant stop it from shining and the truth is always as shine as the Sun. SO WE SHALL KNOW WHO IS THE FOLLOWING AS YOU STATED: YOU ARE A CRIMINAL YOU ARE A LIAR YOU ARE A SCAMMER AND A POOR ONE AT THAT. Backoff poor security. Mikhail Stroganov 'CHARLES' YOUR LAUGHABLE ATTEMPTS AT THREATENING US EDUCATE MANY AND AMUSE ALL_YOU REALLY ARE QUITE PATHETIC THOUGH I SUPPOSE THIS NATIVE BLUSTER IS SOMETHING WE'VE COME TO EXPECT FROM YOU MUGUS AND YOUR EVEN STUPIDER OGAS_AND IT'S AGENT STROGANOV TO YOU - AGENT MIKHAIL STROGANOV SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT_MOSCOW OFFICE update: sept. 3, 2007 Princess Margaret Prince Charles It seems each time I look at my in box I see more and more confused, and confusing, messages from your self. What on earth is happening? My nephew Prince Darren suggests that you may have been on something called wacky baccy, which I assume is a native concoction. I thought that between yourself, and my staff, we had things more or less settled a long time since. Kindly let us have no more of this, as you seem unable to follow through any of your promises and my staff have clearly labelled you as congenitally deficient, this after some careful investigation and what not I may add. MARGARET Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto, Room 101 The Royal Les Dawson Suite Kensington Doss House, Buckingham London FU2 GlT (+44) (0)20 7930 4832 Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, You still have not probe me to be a 419. How many of you have honourd your Princess in all her endeavours, but i did simply because she promise to sponsor my music carrier but you succeed to stop her by accusing me because am African child. How long will this crucial hatred and red season go on, If not that the money an international lawyer charge me was too much, honestly nothing will stop me from not getting to the grassroot of scandalising my innocent name, though is not late if God tarry you we will deffenectly meet in the law court. Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Aug. 17 My dear 'Charles', 'Child' is right, as each whining, infantile e-mail from you is becoming rather tiresome, to say the least. What is it you want, for pity's sake? A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Thank you for your reply. You sound more like a mother this time, i really appreciate that than accusation. Please I really need the help of this organisation to work on my music album. Best regards, Prince Charles Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Aug. 18 'Charles', I see. Now you want our help to work on your alleged music album? We are not really musically-minded, and our attempts to assist you in this matter - Mr. Noogie and Mr. Freeze-Yo were more than happy to do so - were met with scorn and derision from you. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, Why do you always make things difficult for me? are you not the one who ask me to do the video record of any of my song that reward awaits me, which i did and send it to you and now you are telling me that you are not music-minded, is it because am African child. Please can i have the website of Daddy Freeze Yo is the only way i can trust him. Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Aug. 20 My dear 'Charles', Thank you for your e-mail. As always, it's a real pleasure to hear from you. Amazingly - staggeringly - Her Royal Highness wishes to continue modalities with you. We are stunned about this as you can imagine, but are duty-bound to assist you. Daddy-Freeze-YO is now involved with a couple of artists that you may know about - Notorious P.I.G. and 50 Pence. I believe they are called 'rappers', whatever that means. We also offered you the services of Mr. Noogie, who would handle all of your public relations work, but you turned that down. What next? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, If truely this organisation wish to help me in my music production, how do i go about this at easy? Best regads, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Charles, Well, I don't know. We seem to have come full circle. However, I am pleased to say that we have recruited a new member of the team: meet Agent Raynaz, who is not only one of my most trusted colleagues but is also an expert in keeping modalities risk-free and legal. Agent Raynaz, do you have any thoughts on this matter? Feel free to pop over for a custard liqueur with Agent Stroganov if you like. As ever, A Lewis Noogie Where did you find this guy Prince Charles? This is the kind of lad I can only dream about. Chaz just doesn't know when to throw in the towel, does he? LDN Phil Munglers I too am jealous of the tenacity of Lady A's prize lad. Everyone I write to vanishes after a couple of days. This guy is a goldmine of idiocy. Can't help but feel that he's having as much fun with this as we are though.... Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear Agent Munglers, and my dear Lewd, Prince Charles wrote to HRH last year, as you know. We were called in to assist, as we are occassionally. Much debate has circulated around the Royal Custard Rooms about 'Charles'. Some, including myself and Agent Stroganov, feel that 'Charles' is not so much a malicious criminal as a naive and foolish young man trying his hand at 419 scamming, and therefore needs to be taught a lesson. He would appear - *appear* - to be a musician though this is arguable, and if he is would give credence to the theory that he is too lazy and immature to work hard to earn the money he needs to pursue a career in this field. Another reason for teaching him the realities of life. Either way, as always, your input is always highly useful. As ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha Bristol, Am really sorry that all this while i was unable to get back to you sooner. The reason is that a company wants to sign in music contract with me from USA after listening to the single sound track dedicated to HRH Princess Margaret titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " so, i really want to be sure befor updating this organisation. Since Princess Margaret have no regard for someone that honour her musically i all her good works which am not even a pataker of any, i have no choice than to accept the terms or condition of the music contract, because i really have to start somewhere. Below is their terms to my music production hi Charles, yes, mr Broughs called me yesterday and it was really a surprise to hear your name and your email address. what a coincidence! mr Broughs told me that Jesus way are really misterious some times,but you know i'm not a great supported of religions,so i'd rather think of a simple coincidence. so, we got your song "we wish you this" which is really attractive and with a good mood & base sound, also the composition is very naif and clear. this is how it works: for artists coming from abroad and need a visa, we take of all the documentation & process. for the time required to dicuss the contract and sign it, we provide an accommodation to a good 3-star hotel nearby our offices. for special causes, we're willing to pay 50% of the flight tickets,not the whole amount because we've a special sale agreement with he major international flight companies. the contract is usually valid for 1 cd for new artists, if the sales are good then we provide a contract for 2 years in which the artist must issue a second cd. then maybe a 3rd and final contract is issued, but we'll discuss about this later on. all the right are reserved, no duplication or sales on black market are allowed. royalties owed by the production studio for the first cd, from the second the royalties are shared 50% between the production studio and the artist. i'm going to speak with our head project regarding your song. before bringing an artist here for the contract we usually ask him to provide some songs to check his musical background and artistic talent. i think the same thing will be required from you,but there is nothing to wory about, as mr Broughs assure me that you'll have all the assistance and help reserved to the major artists. do let me know if all was clear and if you need other info. regards, linda Prince Charles I have to accept this offer. Unless HRH Princess Margaret will change her mind to finance my music album and the proceed therefrom will be shared to wit 50/50 as agreed before all the accusation against me by you Lady Agatha. Best regards, Charles Mbalewe. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Aug. 23 Dear 'Charles', Thank you for this. Who is Charles Mbalewe? A Raynaz My Gracious Lady Agatha, Good Morning, Ma'am! I am sending a copy of this message to your Prince Charles fellow, so that he will also be up to date on the legalities of this transaction. I have consulted, by phone, with our Mr. Hugh Jardon, who is on temporary assignment to the DC&H Strumpetshire office. He concurs with me that this young "musician" does not seem to be very astute when it comes to business. Granted, he may be able to "sing" his "music", but I doubt that he is experienced enough to deal with this Linda person. She sounds too slickly polished for him. We fear that she will try to bamboozle him, and take him for a merry ride. Mr. Jardon has mentioned that this Linda may be out to swindle your Charles Mblablawabe. Sometimes, unscrupulous so-called "talent agents" try to con up-front money out of these struggling youngsters, holding out the dream of a wonderful prize at the end of the rainbow! The result is tears and disillusionment. We are not implying that this Linda is anything but the genuine article, you understand, but it is in everyone's best interest to urge this Prince Charles fellow to use a great amount of caution with someone who does not even sign her full name! Ma'am, kindly forgive me if I sound alarmist about Linda, but we have seen much the same type of con-job here in Wankershire, haven't we? I understand the problem is rampant in America. A personal note to Prince Charles: Do be careful when dealing with business-women. They are far more ruthless than their male counterparts! As always, Your Ladyship, I send you and all the Foreign Office, our very warmest regards! Agent R. Aynaz, L-E Dewey, Cheatem & Howe Prince Charles Dear Aynaz, I really appreciate hearing from you and your kind advice. Honestly, i must admit that you are making sense. It's this world cell or hell? i don't know who to trust again. I hereby attach her second mail for your assessment : hi Charles, i read your terms and discussed with the head in charge of cd projects. he wants to make a cd with all african artists,which wil be called "sounds of africa" or "sounds of nigeria" the title is still not decided yet. it will contain songs from various artists from africa, mostly from nigeria, and many of them are still unknown. we didn't know that you arealy had a project in mind,but i can tell you that making one cd all by your own requires a lot of efforts and above all good songs,because you are absolutely unkown here in the american/european musical market. if we made a cd with various artists,we have better possibilities to have success because for each artists the best song will be chosen, making a cd full of top-hit tracks. the situation is different if you already have songs for grammy awards,but before we must receive and listen to these songs so that we can decide what to do. the terms for a various artists cd are US$1.500 for you, with production and advertising made by us. all royalties and copyrights go to us. terms for a single cd are different, we usuall pay from US$5.000 and over, but it depends on the quality of the songs. for a single cd we also ask the artist to compose some songs and lyrics according to our request. our staff will study the requirements of the current musical market and ask the artist to compose songs following these requirements. let me know your opinion about making a cd with other artists or making your own cd. i cannot assure you anything though,as all depends on your songs. regards, Linda I look forward to hearing from you. Best regards. Prince Charles Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Aug. 23 My dear Agent Raynaz, Thank you for your advice. I do tend to agree with you - from what I understand, the music industry can be rather cut-throat, and as we know, 'Charles' is of rather low cognition. 'Charles', please keep feeding us information. But who is this Charles Mbalewe? As ever, A Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, Thank you for your reply and kind advice.Well, Lida have decided to buy the single sound track titled " WE WISH YOU THIS " and i think the offer is cool by me. Best regards. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Aug. 25 Dear 'Charles', Thank you for your e-mail. Yes, I understand that she wants to buy it. From which organization does she come from? And who is Charles Mbalewe? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, Thank you for your reply. Well, i will tell you about the organisation as soon as she make the payment. Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Aug. 26 Very well, but don't delay. You are on thin ice with Us as it is. Brother Mark Knopfler Dear Lady Agatha I feel it may be worthwhile pointing out that we are currently constructing a first class recording studio on the Church of the Sultans of swing resort. Perhaps we could get Prince Charles to pop over and officially open it for us? You are all welcome of course and it would be nice to see you all again. Maybe Prince (perhaps he should consider a name change as I thought that someone with that name already existed but the resort is so cut off I may be mistaken) should demonstrate his "rapping" I think you called, it for us and we can "cut a demo" I think is the phrase? Remain blessed and swinging Brother Mark Knopfler Church of the Sultans of Swing Visit our Resort Prince Charles Dear Brother Mark, Thank you for the note and your kind offer which i dim perfect to actualize my musical dream. Actually, a company from US after listening to my single sound track wish to sponsor my trip to US and produce my album as well, though am still having a rethink over their condition but i have no choice than to accept. Please permit me to use this opportunity to make you my music manager if you wish. If you will sponsor me down to Shemgaroon and my music project i will offer you 60% while i take 40% in all my albums. If is okay by you then we have a deal. I do sing gospel music too which is far wider and more acceptable in the western world. I look forward to be hearlng from you. Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My Dear Brother Mark, A splendid idea. Once 'Charles' tells us who 'Charles Mbwele' and the mysterious Linda are then we can get these modalities moving. Anyone have any thoughts on this matter? Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, If your mission this time is all about this your endless modalities am not interested. As of Linda you already know about her and for Charles Mbalewe i guess is a mistake. If you are serious to do business with me, you let me know and if you are not goodbye. Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Sent: Monday, 3 September, 2007 My dear 'Charles', I suggest you moderate your tone and respect your superiors. Brother Mark is offering you the chance of a lifetime to record in the most beautiful recording studio anywhere, yet once again, self-pitying 'Prince Charles' starts whining and complaining about his lot in life. As if we have not bent over backwards to give you what you deserve. A simple thank-you would go a long way. Hardly the behaviour of a 'Prince', but then these spurious titles are ten-a-penny in the Colonies these days. Brother Mark Knopfler Hi all Do we have such a form or should I use my imagination? Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Sept. 4 I should create one, were I you, old thing. Brother Mark Knopfler Dear Prince Charles I am slightly un nerved by your tone towards my dear friend Lady Agatha. I do understand that "rappers" are from "the hood" and do have a reputation for being a bit agressive but I think that sort of tone is a bit frisky from someone who is trying to help you succedd in what is in fact a very difficult business. I enclose a picture of the studio so far. As you can see, its almost complete. We are most excited at its completion and hope that we can arrange for you to come to "our manor to rip some tracks" Remain blessed and swinging Prince Charles Sent: Tuesday, 4 September, 2007 Dear Brother Mark, Thank you for your kind reply and am really sorry for the way i sounded to lady Agatha, she would like to help me but she always make things difficult for me. However, i really appreciate hearing from you. If you accept my condition then you have to send me the music contract document for me to sign before we plan on how to come over. Best regards, Prince Charles. Brother Mark Knopfler Dear Prince Charles You are making the right decision here, lubbly jubbly. Please find enclosed the standard contract for artists and performers. Brilliant contract form by Brother Mark>> << go ahead and click! We have made a few amendments to it under the stonkinous bonerias agreement so that its pertinant to yourself. Please can you complete and sign where stated and we will get the ball rolling and I look forward to "cutting some rugs and splitting some caps" or whatever it is that you fellas from the hood talk about. The governing body of the church are having a meeting tomorrow as for us to sponsor you , it may be required that you become a mamber of the church. It only requires a small donation of $1USD or 3 silver dorks but that maybe something we can sort out once you have signed with us. I am pleased that you have sorted the issues with Lady Agatha out as she could be a great supporter of you and your cause. We look forward to seeing you on the island as soon as possible. Remain blessed and swinging at all times. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My Dear Brother Mark, Thank you for this. Our Head of Legal Affairs, Dr. Frank Spencer, has analysed the contract. Whilst structurally sound and well-reasoned, there are one or two minor legal issues that we need to discuss. They may seem trifling, but one must be careful when dealing with (highly) suspected 419 scammers. Indeed, 'Charles' must answer these queries, I feel, with help from his solicitor, representative, local warlord, village elder, oga, witch doctor or cyber-café owner, before we continue these modalities: The issues are: i) Is the Contract pursuant with the Nigerian Overseas Finance (Modalities) Act 1998? 'Charles', please contact your representatives and let us know immediately. ii) This issue is for us to decide: do we work on a Pro-Bowden kuzdadtz pro-squawk perineum transfer? Or shall we use the Krizpi-Kreem Method, if you'll pardon the legal pun. 'Charles', your representatives' input would be useful here, please. iii) 'Charles': In terms of rights and all intellectual properties howsoever contained therein, how would you or your representatives feel, legally speaking, in terms of safeguards by way of a Bowden-Levy-Edelson clause? Personally I feel that this is really a KFC-BK subcontractual matter, and best left to the lawyers to discuss, but we urgently need your opinion on this matter. iv) Finally, 'Charles': Do you or your representatives feel that this contract needs a Heinz 57 pro-quims merkin, or it is fine as it is? We feel that we should cover all legal loopholes, but if you want to keep the Chapati Rule contained therein, we will have to renegotiate. There may be other queries as these modalities progress. Brother Mark, I feel 'Charles' MUST get appropriate counsel before we can continue. Prince Charles Dear Lady Agatha, Am not a 419 or scarmer, everything about me is real take it or you leave it. Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE My dear 'Charles', That is highly, highly questionable. Prince Charles Dear Brother Mark, Thank you for your reply and i have really gone through your music contract. I must to let you know that this not the way is been written. Actually, am looking for a manager, company or artist that will sign in music contract with me in between 5-10 years and not to be tie down by a church because i have an NGO project to carry on over there which you will equally be a pataker of the blessing when it works out. You have to rewrite the contract because you are not purchasing me and i only have 5-10 years to work with you. My conditions are (1) I will be able to travel to my country at least once in a year (2) I must to come out with an album every year (3) Any outdoor or show it's proceed will be shared to wit 50/50 while the contract remains 60/40 as agreed. The music top stars you know today has target and that is the reason why the remain star and such is my dream. Finally, i would like you to understand that no matter what you will spent to bring me over and produce my albums, you will make it in my first album 100 times because i know what am carrying. Best regards, Prince Charles. Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Sept. 5 Dear 'Charles', We offered you the management and PR services of Daddy Freze-YO and Mr Noogie, but you turned it down. Consider yourself extremely lucky that Brother Mark has taken pity on you in this way. Brother Mark Knopfler Dear Lady A As usual you are the sensible and solid head. The Church of the Sultans of Swing was quite excited at a new signing and had drafted a generic contract as a catch all. I know that these "rappers" dont like to hang about. I think that the Krispi-Kreem method could be suitable for this but as there potentially could be some concern over security and 419 scammers perhaps we should be using the Peetz-ahutt method or at an outside shot, the more efficient but slightly less secure Grottyvan-Kebabs method (which we could add a Chill-Esorz clause to?) for safety. I do agree that Charles should be seeking some sort of legal representation so that should we have an Itzgon-Titzup situation all modalities can be agreed and finalised without delay. Have you received your invite to the Custard Gargling demonstration next month? Apparently Slutti Bird will be there demonstrating her oral techniques and we all like to see her fluffing the creamy stuff! As always Remain blessed and swinging Brother Mark Knopfler Church of the Sultans of Swing Visit our Resort Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Sept. 5 Dear Brother Mark, Ah yes, the Peetz-Ahutt Method. I remember studying that at Cambridge. By all means put it in, with a Chill-Esorz clause for all eventualities. As a general point, I feel we MUST NOT continue these modalities until 'Charles' has appointed his representative. I shall not be at the Custard Gargling this year, though Agent Shevchenko will be there, representing this Office. Unlike last year, however, I have expressly told him to leave his shotgun in the office. As ever, A