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Mr. "Philip Ukulele" makes the e-approach in search of some fool PHILIP UKELELE My name is Philip Ukulele, I am a citizen of Zimbabwe and the founder of the FREE ZIMBABWE INTERNATIONAL, with sole aim of seeing the dethronement of the present regime of Robert Mugabe who has been so brutal and oppressive to even his own people and world at large. His governments decision last year that all white farmers in Zimbabwe should leave and forego their lifetime investments was the height to showcase his political rascality and total disregard for the rule of law and the constitution of Federal Republic of Zimbabwe; as this eventually led to the suspension of Zimbabwe from United Nations. The History of Zimbabwe is traced back to the time of Pioneer column in the late 1800s and the subsequent legal instruments that were passed and entrenched to ensure the division of the ownership of land between Whites and Blacks and this was enhanced by the popular Lippert Concession act(1889), this preceded the actual occupation of Zimbabwe in 1890 and it allowed would be settlers to acquire land rights from the Indigenous Zimbabweans, there was the native reserve order in council (1898)1898-1920 and the 1930 land appointment act, the purpose for the formulation of these acts was to amicably normalize separation by law, land between Black and White Farmers and this was after the deliberation and recommendation of the Morris Carter Commission of 1925. With agreement reached, the fertile high rainfall areas became split with Black Government Politicians owing more than half of the fertile land, however it was the Native Land Husbandry Act of 1951 that ignited the controversy which has generated deep rooted envy amongst the new generation of Black elites against white Farm settlers, this was the period of the introduction of the first phase of nationalistic/divisive politics introduced by sentimental Black politicians, one of whom was Mr Robert Mugabe, then a nationalist leader. At the Lancaster House Conference prior to independence in 1980,the Patriotic Front argued that the British Government must provide money as compensation for white settlers occupation and this was paid by the British Government, this statement below, was issued by the immediate post independence Government led by Mr Robert Mugabe when Britain and The USA offered to pay compensation for white farmers land acquisition: "We have now obtained assurances that Britain, the United States of America and other countries will participate in a multinational donor effort to assist in land, agricultural and economic development program . These assurances go a long way in allaying the great concern we have over the whole land question arising from the great need our people have for land and our commitment to satisfy that need when in government". The land reform acts/ the land seizure actually started in 1998,with a communiqué issued by President Mugabe at Manyoni Farm Matobo District , there he made it emphatically clear that White Settlers owned land and farms would be confiscated and given to "Landless Black indigenous Zimbabweans " as he put it, "We realized we had nurtured enemies among us, so we started treating them as enemies", before Mr Mugabe made this statement, he used the State machinery/Police to arbitrarily molest and arrest white settlers, most of whom are in incarceration and jail without trial for various unfounded and Government perpetuated/unconstitutional decrees orchestrated by President Robert Mugabe and his lieutenants in Governments seats. At this point, my group organized a lot of anti-government protests and programs aimed at warning the Zimbabwean people of the consequences of this injustice and other anti-progressive policies of Mr. Mugabe, meanwhile prior to this, I had sold everything I have here in my country knowing that Mr. Mugabe will come after me, I liquidated all my bank account and assets and secretly moved the funds I realized to a security company outside Zimbabwe through a rather unconventional means, I chose this option because Mr. Mugabe has informants everywhere and it will be suicidal to try transferring the funds through any bank in Zimbabwe. On the 28th of November 2002, a group of Soldiers, in Commando style invaded my Farm House and carted away most of my properties, I was arrested and kept in custody for nine month and thirteen days for what the Police called Defiance to Government laws and treason, while in Police jail, with very poor or no Medicare, my health deteriorated so badly that I was beginning to lose my sight, and consequently diagnosed of high blood pressure and diabetes. I was released from jail and put under house arrest. More disturbing to me is that after my release from police cell, I realized that my wife and only daughter are been held in an undisclosed location, I have been denied access to them and all my pleas to reach them have been turned down, I also do not have access to telephone, computer, newspapers etc. My doctor just managed to get this computer and satellite phone to me so that I can communicate with the outside world. I chose the satellite phone as it cannot be bugged. I have perfected a plan that will see my final escape from house arrest but it will cost me a lot of money, I had to accept the offer for me to escape as this will give me the opportunity to fight from outside and considering the fact that I have about US$42.5 Million deposited in the security company, I need not bother myself much paying about US$6.850Million to get my freedom. It is here that I need your assistance, I need to issue a letter to you authorizing you to claim the funds from the security company. As soon as the letter is written, the security company will get in touch with you and this means that you become the owner of the funds. After you have claimed the funds, I will advise you on how and where to send my share of the funds. You will have to retain a given percentage for yourself as shall be agreed between us, this is to compensate you for the effort and role that you will play. I have had discussions with the Security Company and they are willing to assist me by releasing the funds to anyone I issue the letter of authorization to, and as far as all necessary arrangements are put in place, but it is necessary that we reach an agreement first, when you have shown a sincere intensions to assist me before I formally present you to the Security Company. I shall send to you all other detailed information regarding the money and that of the security company to enable us have this money transferred to you. I await your urgent response. PLEASE THIS IS VERY CONFIDENTIAL, SO I NEED YOU TO RESPOND TO ME EVEN IF YOU WILL NOT ABLE TO ASSIST ME SO THAT I KNOW WHAT TO DO. I MUST INFORM YOU THAT THE INTERNET SERVICE AT MY DISPOSAL HERE IS NOT VERY EFFICIENT, THEREFORE IF YOU DO NOT HEAR FROM ME 24 HOURS AFTER SENDING AN EMAIL TO ME, PLEASE CALL OR SEND A FAX TO ME. FAX MESSAGES MUST INCLUDE YOUR CONTACT DETAILS. Sincerely , Philip Ukulele A seasoned R.P.G. player rather than communist, Lykaon promptly creates the character that "Mr. Ukulele" will find as the most appropriate victim for his sting. LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS Dear Comrade Ukulele I am Lykaon Spartiatiakos, a seasoned Communist Leader in my country, the Free Republic of the Glykotsoutsounoi, recently segregated from the Republic of Greece. Will "Mr. Ukulele" be ignorant and obtuse enough to fall-in for such a jack-ass lie about a banana-republic "recently segregated from the Republic of Greece"?! I mean one has to be either a real idiot to believe that such an event would occur in one of the EU countries and the media would ignore it, or a total ignorant in order to know nothing about the Republic of Greece. My presence in the Internet is very recent, just a few weeks old for I always mistrusted those darn capitalistic computer gadgets, that must have certainly put him at ease, considering "Comrade Spartiatikos" an easy target for an e-mail scam so you will not have heard of me yet but, my comrades in Glykotsoutsounoi, know well that all through my life I fought fervently for the cause of the oppressed all over the world. Therefore I will gladly assist you comrade in getting the money for the Cause, and I want nothing for compensation, not a single cent. Keep it all for supporting your struggle which is also mine. Please send me the details and I will proceed immediately. With Brotherly Salutations Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) The names "Glykotsoutsounoi" and "Roufamouton" are a refining touch indeed. They are Greek and they mean "Sweet Fuckers" and "Suck my penis" respectively So the wannabe "genius of stings" falls in and replies. PHILIP UKELELE Dear Comrade, I am very happy that I have found the right person in you was "Comrade Ukulele" more intelligent I would assume that he was being ironic at this point, but now I'm not certain... to assist regain my freedom in order to continue my struggle. I am also happy that you have promised to do this free, but we will see as I must compensate you for the effort as this will involve some expense from your side definitely because you must travel to Amsterdam where the security company is located in order to claim the funds and there is an outstanding handling charge to be paid. The process is simple, once I give a letter of authorisation to the security company, they will establish contact with you and once that is done, you will be regarded as the owner of the funds. But I must have given a deposit code to you before, this I will do as soon as we talk on the phone. You can call me on my telephone number or you give me your telephone number so that I can call you. Please my situation is really bad here and I need us to move fast on this. This is a favour that I need from you brother. I await to hear from you. Philip Lykaon plays his character aiming not only to hoax the "Ukulele" person, but also to create some satiric prose: "Comrade Spartiatikos" decides to be a little more of an opportunist and think about personal benefits, for the first time in his long communist career. My, my, where is this world getting to! LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS Comrade Ukulele I'm still determined to help you out with this, still determined not to claim any compensation in terms of money however, there is a little thing you could do for me in return for my comradely support, so be patient and read my story through as I have read yours: As I told you , I am a seasoned Communist and all through my life I fought for my cause in Greece. After more than 30 years of struggles we failed - let's face it - to bring the People's Republic in Greece. All that we managed was to succeed in a separatist movement we started in the nineties which resulted in the segregation from Greece of the minuscule Free Republic of Glykotsoutsounoi, a very small area of just 1600 square kilometres in SW Crete (that's a big island of Greece) which contains two small towns, Glykotsoutsounoi and Roufamouton, and four tiny villages: Sedoulevo, Malaka, Kaidento and Psiliazesai. Now if you quote the names of the "four tiny villages" in the order given above, you will simply say in idiomatic Greek "I'm bullshitting you, you moron, and you don't dig it!" Even in this tiny peace of Greece assigned to us by History, we did not get exactly what we wanted, a true People's Republic in the pure Marxist - Leninist sense. We have had to form a coalition with petit-bourgeois elements, a National Front, in order to succeed so the regime we formed is a compromise. That's why it's called "Free Republic of Glykotsoutsounoi" instead of "People's (or Soviet Socialist) Republic of Glykotsoutsounoi". Anyway, the American and European imperialists and their Greek lackeys just let us be, since we formed our own state on May the 13th (Saint Poutsos Day) A Greek, rather colorfoul, idiomatic expression meaning "The Day of Saint Penis" and indicating an event unlikely to ever occur of 2003. It seems they do not consider us much of a threat, that's their big mistake that we'll take advantage of in the future. Presently we try to get Cuba, Antigua and the Santinistas recognize us so we can forward a formal request for recognition at the United Nations. They seem quite slow and thoughtful about it though, so it might take several years. Things have been even less prosperous for me personally: There has been some attrition in the party and it appears I chose to support the party sect which finally lost the game. So, after all those years of struggle they did not give me a function in the Government, neither did I really advance in the Party's hierarchy. I did not fight for almost 30 years just to end up Secretary of the Party's Local Organization at Roufamouton - not even at Glykotsoutsounoi, the capital, mind you, just at Roufamouton, the second town in magnitude. I have seen young comrades, yesterday's children, to fill in high Government and Party seats, and I've been sent to count goats at Roufamouton, actually in pension and I'm only 48 years old! I feel really embittered, frustrated, pissed off about this injustice done to me by my own comrades! Even during this very moment that I right these lines I would like to break something, beat the shit out of somebody ... Lykaon plays a character with some definitely psychopathological problems that can be of great use to "Comrade Ukulele". More such problems will appear in the following e-mails Anyway, things might change for me after we get recognized by the United Nations but, as I mentioned, this will take several years and I'm impatient of getting my rightful share of power so, I'm coming to the point comrade: What I want from you in return for my services is, when you seize power, to institutionalize me as a citizen of Zimbabwe and assign me a high post in the government you will form, the Ministry of Labour suits me best. I want you to commit yourself in this with a signed contract which you will send, along with the deposit code you mentioned, by conventional mail to my mother's address in Athens, Greece (it's best not to mail anything directly to me at the FRG, and also not to communicate anything by telephone, phones might be tapped and mail for FRG might be opened). My mother's address is safe, she is in Athens - far from FRG - and few people know her to be my mother as she has always been a bourgeois capitalist and quite embarrassed by my political activities. I visit her regularly - though at her request I'm quite discreet avoiding that many people notice me - and collect lots of my mail I have sent there - which she never bothers to open - so she will suspect nothing. The address is: L.Spartiatikos XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX Athens, Greece. You mentioned "...an outstanding handling charge to be paid...". Money is not an issue as I have full control of the funds of the Party's Local Organization at Roufamouton and if need arises, my mom can also chip in (without asking me what I want the money for, she just wants that I don't bother her much) she is quite wealthy you know. At this point, I'm certain, the wannabe swindler was rubbing his hands with glee, thinking that heaven had guided him on a poor fool with the perfect psychopathology and family background for the sting he was pulling I just need to know about how much this is going to cost so I can move the money from the party's account to my personal account in the National Bank of Greece. This you can write to me by e-mail, along with your confirmation that you agree with the whole procedure I propose. With Comradely Salutations Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) So "Comrade Ukulele" tries to sound as realistic as possible - he cannot afford to risk his victim becoming suspicious - by being somewhat reluctant to grant too sensitive a government position to a foreigner. PHILIP UKELELE Dear Comrade, Thank you for your response, I agree to your proposal but with a slight alteration, you cannot be the labour minister as it is a sensitive position. You know that many people do not know and we want to form a popular government that is mass oriented but you can take up a position as sensitive as special adviser to the government on financial affairs. This I can concede to you without consulting anyone. If it is okay to you, then we shall go ahead with the agreement. Another issue is that the agreement will be written and signed by me, but I can only scan and send it to you via email, I cannot send by regular mail as I am under house arrest and I do not trust anyone to hand it over. You are to write an undertaking to me as well to assure me that my funds will be safe under your care and that nothing will happen to it. It is only after we have done all these and you are ready to travel, then I will give you the deposit code. However, there is need to inform you that we need to move faster as my health is in serious danger here, I have little medication at my disposal and constant incaceration has eaten deep inside my immune system thereby affecting my blood pressure. I am ready to put my agreement into writing for as long as it is okay by you. I still believe that there is need for telephone conversation as I have a satelite phone that cannot be bugged, it is safe for me, and the security company may need require a telephone to reach you. I await your response. Keep the struggle alive. Philip Lykaon stirs "Comrade Ukulele's" greed by letting him wait a little. He's getting anxious, probably worrying that such a convenient victim will get suspicious, and tries to urge the proceedings to a conclusion Dear Comrade, Please reply mail so that we can move on. Philip Finally Lykaon's character replies making it clear that he will not settle for less than vice-minister of labour and that, having been jerked by his comrades in the past, and having lived for years in a revolutionary illusion he created for himself, he has become a tad paranoid and, perhaps, violent... LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS >Thank you for your response, I agree to your proposal but with a slight >alteration, you cannot be the labour minister as it is a sensitive >position. I 've been pondering (with lots of angered and embittered frustration I must admit) over this issue for three days! Your argument is disconcertingly similar to the one used by my comrades hear at FRG to persuade me to be "put aside" in a decorative position. I must reply that the only acceptable compromise is the position of the Vice Minister of Labour or, the head position of Zimbabwe's umbrella organization for the trade unions (something like a "Top - Soviet", surely you must have something like this in Zimbabwe). With much regret I must decline any other offer so please answer me if my counter proposal is acceptable so we can proceed. >Another issue is that the agreement will be written and signed by me, but I >can only scan and send it to you via email, I cannot send by regular mail >as I am under house arrest and I do not trust anyone to hand it over. This is fine by me. >You are to write an undertaking to me as well to assure me that my funds >will be safe under your care and that nothing will happen to it. It is only >after we have done all these and you are ready to travel, then I will give >you the deposit code. Only after I have received your part of the agreement signed. You can compile a contract with the terms bonding both parties and send me two copies, one signed by you and another for me to sign, scan, and email back to you. >I still believe that there is need for telephone conversation as I have a >satellite phone that cannot be bugged, it is safe for me, and the security >company may need require a telephone to reach you. No way with telephones! All lines are bugged! The capitalists keep FRG under their aim although they pretend that we are no threat to them! The insurance company can perfectly communicate with me via e-mail. They can bug the internet connections too but, as a young comrade who's quite handy with these infernal things informs me, we can use an encryption of some sort. Waiting for your reply. With Comradely Salutations Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) Afraid that he might have overdone it in sounding realistically reluctant to grant too sensitive a government position to a foreigner "Comrade Ukulele" tries to mellow the obviously edgy "Comrade Spartiatikos" in order not to loose him. PHILIP UKELELE Dear Comrade, I never meant to treat you as you were treated in your FRG and I never meant to annoy you either, I am sorry if I have offended. Anyway, after a careful thought, I have decided to offer you the position of Vice Labour minister as proposed. Please you can go ahead and draft the agreement the way you want it. As soon as I recieve the agreement, I will print it, sign and scan and have it sent back to you. Please I hope that you will not take much time in doing this as I am under pressure. As regards phone communication, I am okay with emails but we need to mave faster now as I really need to go through a thorough medical check up. I await your response. Philip Ukulele Lykaon' character sends the agreement he drafted. Notice the second part in capitals. It has been copied from the pop-up window of some software installation agreement and pasted. Some minor changes have been brought by Lykaon. The legal mambo-jumbo must have appeared quite elaborate to "Comrade Ukulele" so he must have bought "Comrade Spartiatikos'" claim that the agreement has been drafted by "...a comrade who made it up to 2nd year of Law School ...", something that would be typical in a banana communist republic as the one invented by Lykaon. LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS Dear Comrade Ukulele, Please find here below the agreement for us to sign. Sorry it took that long, I have had a comrade who made it up to 2nd year of Law School compile it, so it took him some time. So you print a copy and sign it, and scan it and send it back to me. As soon as I get it I'll print another copy and sign it and send it back to you. Sorry if I insist on you being the first to sign but I have been fooled by my comrades once, and I'm determined not to let this happen again. From this e-mail on, Lykaon plays his character entering in a more-and-more delirious state, of the revolutionary kind. So in every mail, before his ridiculously pompous signature "Comrade Spartiatikos" inserts, as a formal salutation, the - equally pompous and ridiculous - phrase with which extreme left communists would typically conclude their cheap speeches back in the seventies Long live the struggle of the oppressed nations and peoples, long live the struggle of the Proletariat, long live the memories of comrades Marx, Enghels, Lenin, Stalin and Mao-Tse-Tung Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) /*******************************************************************/ PRIVATE AGREEMENT This is a private agreement between Lykaon Spartiatiakos, citizen of both the Free Republic of Glykotsoutsounoi and of the Republic of Greece, Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist), hereby called Part A, and Philip Ukulele, Citizen of Zimbabwe, Candidate President of Zimbabwe and currently political prisoner under home confinement, hereby called Part B. Part A agrees to follow the instructions of Part B to the letter and recover on Part B's behalf the sum of 47.000.000 million $ USD, on which money Part A has no personal claim whatsoever. Part A will cover all the expenses necessary for the operation as Part B dictates. Part B agrees, right after he seizes power in Zimbabwe, to institutionalize Part A in full Zimbabwean citizenship, and appoint him Vice Minister of Labour for the Zimbabwean government that Part B will form, for a minimum period of ten years. Part B will also grand to Part A after this last's withdrawal from governmental duties, and for the rest of Part A's life a government pension of $USD 10,000 per month, with total exemption from any taxes and collectable from any place in the World. Finally Part B will grand Part A the right to form a Communist Party of Zimbabwe (Marxist - Leninist) as and when Part A sees fit. THIS AGREEMENT IS PROVIDED "AS IS" AND ANY EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE AREDISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL ANY OF THE PARTIES OR HIS COLLABORATORS BE LIABLE TOWARDS THE OTHER PARTY FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; LOSS OF LIFE, SOCIAL STATUS, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY DURING THE AGREED OPERATIONS, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. The Agreeing Parties Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) Philip Ukulele Candidate President of Zimbabwe and currently political prisoner under home confinement Promptly enough, "Comrade Ukulele" printed the agreement, signed it, scanned the signed copy and mailed it back to "Comrade Spartiatikos". However, in his obvious haste to conclude things before his victim started getting suspicious, he erroneously signed under the name of "Comrade Spartiatikos" instead of his own... PHILIP UKELELE Dear Comrade, I have signed the agreement, a copy is scanned and hereby attached. I only changed the part that stated the amount of money I deposited with the security company. The sum is 42.5million and not 47.0 I had to accept all other conditions as written as we have wasted so mush time on this and I am under intense pressure financially and health. I will be expecting the signed copy so that we can move on to the next stage. Thank you. Philip Ukulele ...This gave Lykaon some good ideas to spice up his character - playing with more comic detail. First, he delayed in answering, getting poor Ukulele rather anxious and clumsy ... PHILIP UKELELE Dear Comrade, What is going on? Sign and send copy of the agreement so that we can move on. Regards ... Then Lykaon replied, inventing such an excuse for the delay that must have brought Ukulele to exasperation, and must have taught him be very careful when dealing with a paranoid victim, in order not to cause unwanted delays. LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS I send you the Agreement signed by both, with 6 days of delay but it has been your fault. You signed under my name instead of yours! This got me on the alert, suspecting that you might be trying to lure me into helping you and then deceive me and not keep your part of the bargain. After being deceived by my own comrades here at FRG, I have become very cautious, even a little paranoid perhaps. After careful consideration I concluded that you have only made a mistake most probably. But just to be on the safe-side I had to move your signature to its proper place. I could of course ask you to sign again and send again but, being cautious, I wanted foul control of the process. Since neither myself nor anyone else here at FRG has the necessary knowledge and equipment to manipulate electronic documents, I have had to take a trip to Athens, Greece and ask a certain acquaintance of mine do the job. (I am also sure that he will keep his mouth shut). In the next two paragraphs Lykaon bestows on his character such a provincial ignorance about modern technologies which must have put poor Ukulele at ease that, dealing with such an ass, he runs no serious risks of his "ingenious" trick being exposed I brought the electronic document to him in a diskette and he moved your signature under your own name. He also spared me the effort of printing signing and rescanning, as he gave me a highly sophisticated instrument (which he called a "graphics tablet with digital pen") and I signed on the electronic document directly! I could have send the document back from his computer but I prefered to travel back to FRG, since I know not if he could have somehow kept a copy of the e-mail. That's why it took so long but it was your fault after all! Well, now that everything is in order and signed, I expect you to send me the code for the insurance company, and proceed with our cause. Long live the struggle of the oppressed nations and peoples, long live the struggle of the Proletariat, long live the memories of comrades Marx, Enghels, Lenin, Stalin and Mao-Tse-Tung Best Regards Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) There was an attached jpg file with the agreement signed by both parties. It's worth noticing the signature by Lykaon' character. A signature in Greek. Nothing strange up to this point but, any person who can read Greek will see that the "signature" reads "Asshole, I'm bullshitting you" At this point the scamer starts also to communicate with his victim in the vest of "Mike Moore", executive of the "Crown Finance" at Amsterdam. Notice the completely amateurish, almost illiterate, manner in which the e-mails supposedly coming from a serious financial security company are compiled. They would not convince a ten-year-old. The best of them all is the "Company's" e-mail: csf_c@yahoo.co.uk. Can anyone seriously imagine of a respectable financial security company without its own domain-name, one that would have to maintain its e-mail address at yahoo ?!!! MIKE MOORE from:crown security and finance co to:Lykaon Spartiatiakos 03 - 05 - 04 sir, re:collection of your consignment valued at $42.5 million this is to inform you that your consignment valued at the above amount is in our custody, this was lodged by Philip ukulele,an appointment has been confirmed for you between the 11th of may and the 21st of may 2004 at your earliest convenience to enable you come over to our office in Amsterdam the Netherlands for the signing of paper work before your consignment can be released to you,please come with the under listed. 1).any form of identification 2).two passport photographs 3).the cash sum of 18,000.(eighteen thousand) euros,this is for administrative and handling fees. 4).your flight itinerary,this must be sent not later than 48 (forty eight) hours before your arrival. 5).your lodgment code:- this very important and mandatory please note that the administrative / handling is not deductible as your funds $42.5million is insured to exact value this is in compliance with the European union monetary and financial policy. you can contact the undersigned on phone:+ 31 630 680 668;fax:+ 31 645 230 716;email:csf_c@yahoo.co.uk thanks yours faithfully Mike Moore Lykaon plays along and has his character reply to "Moore", informing him on his planned arrival at Amsterdam, and asking for the "Crown Security's" whereabouts. (Obviously, should a poor fool go there, the swindlers would have taken the "administrative and handling fees" and perhaps have left him waiting in some apartment or, worse gagged and/or injured or even killed in some alley) LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS Dear Mr. Moore I will be arriving to Amsterdam on May 21st, at 11:50 with flight OA151 of Olympic Airways. I will have with me all that is required. Please advice on the exact address of your firm's Amsterdam office, and on the exact time you will schedule (taking into account my arrival time) to receive me there. Sincerely yours, Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) Lykaon makes his character to act as a loyal comrade and forward to "Ukulele" the correspondence he exchanged with "Ukulele's" alter ego, "Moore". He also toys with the swindler's obvious anxiety to bring his victim in his lair at Amsterdam, by delivering a hilariously rigorous - probably rather exasperating for "Ukulele" - economical analysis on the raising of the necessary funds for the payment of the "administrative and handling fees". How obtuse must "Ukulele" really be to fall in for all those impossible rants. LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS Dear Comrade Philip Getting friendlier to put "Comrade Philip" more at his ease I forward to you the correspondence I have had with the capitalists of Crown Finance (one named Michael Moore to be precise). I really abhor having anything to do with those capitalistic scum but, what can we do! It's for the sake of The Cause. As you will notice I scheduled the transaction on the latest of the time limits the capitalists have set. This is because I will need some time for Bank transactions. I explain: Part of the required sum of EUR 18.000, about EUR 2000 will be taken from the funds of the Party's Local Organization of Roufamouton. (To be precise, I'll borrow the entire funds of the Party's Local Organization of Roufamouton and this should better stay between us). Tut tut, a communist embezzling the party's money !!! Where is this world getting to! However, the money is in New Drachmas (FRGs's coin) and no country will recognize New Drachmas as valid exchange except Greece - from which FRG has been segregated. Even so, the Bank of Greece will exchange New Drachmas with Old Drachmas only (this was Greece's coin till year 2001, when it entered the EURO-Zone, the Euro is their coin now) and then will exchange the Old Drachmas to Euros. Now, one New Drachma equals 0,00374 Old Drachmas and one Old Drachma equals 0,0029347 Euros however, the Bank of Greece will change one New Drachma with only 0,00093 Old Drachmas and they say that we should be thankful they even accept New Drachmas at all, the cynic capitalist pigs, they have the upper hand now and they rob us of the fruit of our labour but the wheel shall turn eventually and we will show them. So currently the funds of the Party's Local Organization of Roufamouton amount to 732.796.529 New Drachmas (that's about the monthly salary of the President of the Free Republic) which, should the capitalists of Greece play fair in their monetary transactions should get us about 2.740.659 Old Drachmas and these, in their turn, would be exchanged for about 8043 Euros but now - given that those pigs will rob us at the transaction - we will get only 681500 Old Drachmas exchangeable for 1999,99 Euros. In the next paragraph Lykaon makes his character reveal, along with his main source of finances, more of the background of his amusing psychopathology No sweat though, I will borrow the remaining 16000,01 Euros from my mom. She will give them just to get rid of me the old capitalist hag, believing firmly that "...she will never get them back as usual..." but this time she will see, once i get the $42.5 million, I will give her her filthy money back, with a little extra just to shut her toothless mouth once and for all, the bloody hag, she never took me seriously, she keeps saying that I am insane and that "those communist swindlers always took advantage of my insanity", once I give her her money back (I hope you will not mind that I will extract it from the $42.5 million) I will throw it to her wrinkled face, will stuff it down her throat I will, I'll teach her to think more highly of me, the hag, who keeps on saying that "it would be best if she had not given birth to such an insane, self-destructive poor wretch"! I will also return the money of Party's Local Organization of Roufamouton, I hope you will not mind that I will extract that sum too from the $42.5 million. So he is not that dishonest after all! So comrade, I expect your immediate answer for I need. A) The lodgement code. You must have read that those Dutch capitalists will not give me a cent without it. B) Your confirmation that I can extract from the $42.5 million the sums to return to my mom and to the Party's Local Organization of Roufamouton (about Euros 19000 = $22735). Without your confirmation I will not depart for Amsterdam and I will cancel the whole thing. Long live the struggle of the oppressed nations and peoples, long live the struggle of the Proletariat, long live the memories of comrades Marx, Enghels, Lenin, Stalin and Mao-Tse-Tung Best Regards Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) Quite happy "Spider Ukulele" lures his victim deeper and deeper into the trap. PHILIP UKELELE Dear Comrade, Thank you for your update, I am happy that you have already established contact with the security company. Please you have my go ahead to deduct all the expenses that you incure trying to assist me in this cause from my money as soon as you get paid in Amsterdam.I trust that you cannot decieve me, I hereby give you the go ahead to spend any funds from my money provided that it will aid you to repay any funds you borrowed to complete the transaction. I had wanted to give out the code only at the point you are about to leave for Amsterdam, but being that we believe in the same cause and feel like brothers, I will release the code to you right away. HERE IS THE DEPOSIT CODE; BX62/PR-98/FPZ1/2004-CONF/3312NM-AQ4/OK It looks like the activation key for some computer game. I wish I knew which one, I would get a copy Please comrade, ensure that this code does not get to the wrong hands, please this code and the funds mean the world to me as I can only continue and actualise my dream with them. Touching!... I will be expecting to hearing from you from time to time to know how you are getting ready for the trip. I await our meeting eagerly as soon as I regain my freedom. Long Live FRG. Long Live the struggle for the FREEDOM FOR THE ZIMBAWEAN PEOPLE. Apparently he tries to play the revolutionary in euphoric state, in accordance with the persistent conclusion of the e-mails sent by Lykaon' character. He is not very convincing though as he must have had no previous experience of those things Philip "Moore of Crown Finance" proceeds with the details MIKE MOORE dear sir, 04-05-04 thanks for your mail the contents are well understood i will be in touch with you on or before the 17th of may 2004 this is to reconfirm your appointment and also give you details on how the protocol department will make arrange for you to be at the office.please send to us your phone or fax number as one is not attached in your mail or would you rather prefer communication by mail alone. your cooperation is solicited in this regard yours faithfully mike Moore Lykaon plays along Communication by e-mail alone please Best Regards Sincerely yours, Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) Believing by now himself to be very astute, "Ukulele" asks if Lykaon' character got any news from "Moore", "Ukulele's" alter ego. I suppose he thinks of bestowing thus more credibility to his scenario but he naively fails to realize that the e-mails of "Ukulele" and "Moore" arrive invariantly with about 30 minutes of difference. Now that's an impressive timing for two persons e-mailing from Zimbabwe and Amsterdam!!! PHILIP UKELELE Dear Comrade, Please let me know if you have heard from the Security company. I hope you are okay and getting ready to make the trip as planned. Hope you meet you soon after I get out of here. Your brother, Philip "Moore/Ukulele" tries to ensure that everything goes as planned and to set the final details for luring the victim in the trap... MIKE MOORE from:crown security and finance co to:Lykaon Spartiatiakos 17th may 2004 sir, re:your payment valued at $42.5 million usd we are making final arrangement to ensure a successful trip to Amsterdam,however the protocol department is not able to firm up this arrangement because you do not have a phone that you can be contacted on.they have suggested that you will have to check into a hotel of your choice upon your arrival or you call the office number as provided to you in my first mail to you and a protocol officer will be sent to pick you and bring you to the office we do not give description of our office to people this is for security reasons as a lot of cash and sensitive materials are kept here please bear with us.in the event of you not knowing of any hotel name you can use the MARRIOTT HOTEL AMSTERDAM,phone:0031 206075555. your flight details are,Amsterdam on May 21st, at 11:50 with flight OA151 of Olympic Airways.please remember to have your code with you and the handling charge,please confirm all the above. thanks for your past cooperation yours faithfully Mike Moore LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS ... and Lykaon chooses to rock him a bit Dear Mr Moore, I will proceed with our transaction however I have made a few changes to my schedule. I will arrive at Amsterdam some day between the 19th and the 21st of May, with another flight, NOT the OA151, and will stay at a hotel of my choice, NOT the one you suggest. I do not give descriptions of the exact day of arrival, incoming flight, or hotel for reasons regarding my own personal security, please try to understand me on this. Once in my hotel I will phone you to fix a meeting at some public place of my choice in Amsterdam where the transaction can occur. These are my terms, upon which I will not discuss, so please wait for my phone call between the 19th and the 21st of May, office hours. Regards Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) The swindler is taken aback by this sudden turn of events and, in the vest of "Ukulele" whom he believes that Lykaon' character trusts by now tries to find out what's going on PHILIP UKELELE Comrade, Have you heard from the security company? Please give me an update on the situation of things. Your brother, Philip Certainly "Ukulele" must have been worrying all these weeks about his victim receiving more e-mails of the "Nigerian Scum" type, that would help the poor fool realize that he was been swindled. Perhaps he was even wondering how come such an event had not yet occurred as the process has been already too delayed. Lykaon at this point decided to put him through the "Scottish Shower": His character would reveal to "Ukulele" that he had received numerous "Nigerian Scum" e-mails (at this point "Ukulele" would gulp in anguish) and right afterwards offer an interpretation of why, in spite of the "Nigerian Scum" bombardment he had completely failed to realize that "Ukulele" - or any other of the "Niggerian scamers" for that matter - where lying (and "Ukulele's" heart would go at its place again). The interpretation is quite plausible if we take into account the character played by Lykaon: A half - insane intellectual of the extreme left of the seventies, shunned by his family and friends, deluding himself with Maoist Chimeras for about thirty years. LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS Dear Comrade Philip, Please find attached here below the correspondence I have had with the Dutch regarding my trip. Till now I have kept a low profile for things happened that got me suspicious, not with you comrade, but with the bloody Dutch capitalist, that Moore person. I explain: One or two days after I was first contacted by Moore, I started receiving e-mails (one or two every two days initially, more and more as days go by), all of them from people in various countries of Southern Africa, asking me to do them some money-transfer service, similar to the one I'm doing to you. None of them appeared to be some People's Revolutionary in need of help like you or, at least, some honest person in distress. All of them 1st rank relations (widows or sons or daughters or brothers or sisters) of killed or deceased reactionary bastards such as fascist military big-brass, right-wing politicians, high ranking economists or executives or engineers working for notorious multinational trusts, this kind of scum. In all cases their dead relative has acquired with the most obscure means huge sums of money, which consequently has been somehow blocked in a some bank account, and now they seek my help to unblock it and get their hands on it, offering me a considerable percentage. My first impulse was to communicate my indignation to those decadent lackeys of Imperialism. How do they dare ask of me, Lykaon Spartiatiakos, a seasoned Communist, for 30 years fighter for the rights of the people, now Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist), to launder their dirty money for them, money they have looted from the Peoples of Africa by terrorizing, robbing and murdering them? Do they think that I would yield to their luring offers and forego my principles for just a 5 or 10 percent of the loot? On seconds thoughts I decided to ignore them and keep a low profile in order not to compromise our cause in any way. However the very disconcerting question sprang directly to my mind. How on earth did all these people knew of my e-mail address and how on earth would they assume that I would be interested in laundering money, if they new not that I was doing a money-transfer service for you. (In your case, of course, this is not laundering of dirty money, but I doubt these decadent imperialist lackeys can make such fine discernment). In the beginning I suspected they got the info from you. That either you have talked to someone you should have not or that the fascists of Zimbabwe got you from house arrest to jail and tortured you. I ruled out the possibility of you having talked to the wrong person, you appear quite seasoned in underground tactics to have done such a mistake but, torturing?... Forgive me comrade, I mean not offending you or doubting your courage, strength of will and integrity but, believe me, I have seen formidable revolutionaries bend under torture and spit everything out, it's human and I doubt if we should blame them. So I have tried eagerly for a few days to learn about events in Zimbabwe, to see if any news about Philip Ukulele drag from house arrest to prison would come out. I asked a young comrade's help, who's very able with these things, (I have mentioned this person in previous e-mails, I consult with him on anything technologic) and we tried to learn anything going on currently in Zimbabwe through satellite-tv and the web-sites of major newspapers. I must say I have admired your ability to keep a low profile comrade, your name was nowhere to be mentioned in none of those resources. So, having put my heart at ease regarding the information on me having leaked-out from you, I set to think of other possible sources ... And the idea sprang to my mind violently, as a revelation! But of course, how stupid of me not to have thought about it from the very beginning! Mike Moore, our Dutch capitalist who's firm appears to be earning a substantial living from such transactions, who else might have been?! The idea became a certainty and I was very careful to lay very low after that. Finally the capitalistic scum has contacted me and, as you can read in the correspondence I forward you, he has been trying to keep control of the whole affair. Such a fool he is to think that he can manipulate me! I have years and years of experience in negotiating, always representing the People's interests, with their lot and I know when I must be a hard negotiator and how to impose my own terms. As you can read, I changed my schedule and I took full control of the proceedings by refusing to reveal to him any details of my planed movements. I will avoid communicating them to you also, no offence brother and comrade, but the walls have ears! Worry not though, by May 21st the whole transaction will have successfully concluded and I will contact you in order to deliver you the money in person. Long live the struggle of the oppressed nations and peoples, long live the struggle of the Proletariat, long live the memories of comrades Marx, Enghels, Lenin, Stalin and Mao-Tse-Tung Best Regards Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) "Moore/Ukulele" tries to dissuade Lykaon' character from trying to arrange a meeting in a public area. Probably the crooks would not hesitate to become violent and needed to act in obscurity MIKE MOORE dear sir, 18/05/04 thanks for your mail,the contents are well understood.however i want you to understand that the only grey area that you will need to firm up with us is this issue of meeting in a public place we do not run a disorganised operation here, as soon as you call me a protocol person or a driver will be dispatched to pick you and bring you to our office i can assure you that our operations are top class to say the least and if no customer of ours had complained in the past yours will not be an exception.please confirm that i made myself clear.let me also remind you that your code number is mandatory and please do not forget the handling and administrative fees.please notify me if you will want any form of additional services. thanks for your past cooperation. regards Mike Moore Thirty five minutes later "Ukulele/Moore" tries - in an all-casual manner - to advocate his alter egos insistence on meeting at the "Crowmn finance Offices". He also tries to make his victim feel more at ease by bullshiting him in the "revolutionary leader and bringer of justice" way. PHILIP UKELELE Comrade, Thank you for the update and information. I will assure you one thing, I have absolute confidence in the security company,they have been very professional since I started dealing with them.So I do not forsee you having any disappointmnets with them. I am most of all, happy at the way you have handled matters yourself, which shows serious commitment from your part. I will equally use this opportunity to inform you that I have never given out your email address to anyone and will NEVER except you direct me to do so. Through my source here in house arrest, I have directed my organisation to make less public statement about me and my release since I have gotten this conditional offer of release from some officials of the present government who are very corrupt; "They can do anything to make money". You know what, I WILL BRING THEM ALL TO JUSTICE. It will only take sometime but it will happen, I have gotten the backing of some neighbouring countries through where we will operate. I have confided in you as a brother because I have come to trust that I am safe in your hands and moreso we are going to be doing it together. Freemdom For all the oppressed. Philip Lykaon plays along, thinking it's gonna be funny having the crooks on the edge, waiting for his character's phone call for three days. LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS Dear mr. Moore, I will settle with meeting you at your firm's premises provided that these are not outside the metropolitan area of Amsterdam. Regards Lykaon Spartiatiakos Secretary of the Local Organization of Roufamouton of the Communist Party of Glykotsoutsounoi (Marxist - Leninist) Ukulele", after waiting in vain for three days, sends three desperate messages, appealing to his victim's "sense of communist honour". The idiot he still doesn't get that Lykaon was bullshitting him all along and hopes that something else went wrong and he can still pull his sting to conclusion. PHILIP UKELELE Dear Comrade, I have been waiting for a signal from you all day to confirm to me that you are done.This is going by your last mail assuring me that the matter will be finished today.Any promise from a fellow comrade,I take seriously. Please let me know what is happening.I am very worried. Philip. PHILIP UKELELE Dear Comrade, I am so worried that there is no word from you.Are you okay?Please get back to me urgently. Philip. PHILIP UKELELE Comrade, the word of a comrade is absolute truth.Based on your assurrance of last week,I want to pressume that you are through with those capitalists.Please update me so that I can begin to arrange my release. Aluta continua!Victoria ascerta!! Philip. The poor wretch, he must have learned about the Santinista salutation that day and used it in a last desperate attempt to play the part of the Revolutionary Leader convincingly. I must say that, "Ukulele/Moore as a Role playing Gamer SUCKS!!! Catharsis: Conclusion of the Drama. "Lykaon, faithful to the rules of Role Playing Games to the end, has his character reply (in a manner quite plausible to the played role) that he has finally decided to swindle "Ukulele" of his 47,5 million $, and use it to start a new life. "Ukulele" of course did not answer to that one. He obviously understood that Lykaon was hoaxing him all along. However, perhaps for a fraction of a second he got carried away by his own lies and, angered, imagined Lykaon' character building a business empire in South America with the money he Philip Ukulele, future president of Zimbabwe, should have had in order to organize his escape to freedom... LYKAON SPARTIATIAKOS Dear Comrade There has been a major complication which I must explain thoroughly, so please be patient for once more and read through: The roots of what happened on Friday May 21st can be traced in my childhood and early youth, when I was still a rich kid born with the golden spoon in my mouth, and enjoyed it, and found it absolutely natural that some of us humans have everything and the rest (about 80%) of humanity nothing. "Too bad for them losers" my ruthless capitalist dad would say and I would smile proudly and say "... that's my dad!". Then I went to college...that was back in the seventies and the fad of the times amongst college kids, specially the richest ones was playing the revolutionary communist. The whole idea of an intellectual with a wealthy family background, who would renounce his life of riches and comfort and turn revolutionary for the sake of the oppressed masses - whom we college kids have never actually seen or new anything realistic about - was having such a strong impact on chicks at the time that literally you had to turn a commie in order to get laid. The more extreme leftist you where, the more beautiful and numerous college - girls you would screw. Tired of being a total looser - in terms of getting laid -during the entire first quarter, I turned a Maoist, Stalinist, Marxist - Leninist from the second quarter and on. You will not believe the change in my sexual life! All of a sudden I had them all there on my bed, blondes, brunettes, reds, brownies, one by one or many together simultaneously, shouting to shock my virile proletarian shaft deep in their loins! On the other hand, all those protest demonstrations, assemblies, debates - where we males where showing off our virility through duels of wit - the journeys to various revolutionary organization congresses, the speeches we delivered to assemblies of raving students, the confrontation with the police, the professors, our parents, the occupations of our schools and the fucking we would do in there during the nights, all this was so romantic and exciting that some of us - the most prominent "revolutionary figures" ended up taking it all too seriously. So when the dream was over and the "World Revolution" has been proven to be one more utopia and, often, one more fraud to bring some power-mongers to power, and we got our degrees and most of yesterday's revolutionaries became today's yuppies, some losers - myself included - went on believing ourselves to be proletarian leaders and forsaking our capitalistic background along with all the money, comfort and power we where entitled to by birth-right. And I kept on living a frugal and miserable life all these years and believing to do the right thing none the less. No more chicks to fuck of course. Women got realistic once more and they would offer their graces to the fattest wallet. What serious broad would stick with a shabby lunatic who thought himself a revolutionary and - moreover - was ageing as years went by? Loneliness, shabbiness, shit-pit jobs (although I hold a degree in Economics and Business), living emarginated, being often harassed by the police, that was the fate of those of us who insisted on "keeping the red banner high". My family disinherited me, I ended up at the age of 48 amongst the goats and hen of some forsaken village in the pompous vest of "Secretary of the Local Party Organization", leaving mostly upon allowances that my mother will occasionally and reluctantly grant ... All this until last Friday May 21st at Amsterdam, when I got your money in my custody and, you will never believe it ... touching, smelling, seeing so much money after thirty years of my miserable life got me out of my head comrade. All the remnants of my capitalistic upbringing - which I have struggled for so many years to eradicate - came back to life, rising with a tremendous impact from the depths of my poor subconscious. I'm still young enough after all to make up for the years I sacrificed to the bloody "Cause" of the (fuck them off) "Oppressed". Let the losers be oppressed as much as they want, after thirty years I realized that it is their choice to be losers and that I will not be one of them anymore. My ex-comrades and all the oppressed may kiss my Capitalistic ass good-bye. With your money comrade - which I decided to make my own - I will start a business empire somewhere in South America and live a new life full of wealth, power, luxury and gorgeous women. Occasionally, I will drink a beer to your health (nothing more luxurious than a beer, it would be inappropriate for a Revolutionary like you) for having opened my eyes and provided for the means to rebuild my wretchedly spent life. Take care and I hope you make it somehow to rise into power at Zimbabwe. An advice for free: If you make it, fuck the oppressed Zimbabweans, just take as much money as possible and run for it! In such a case you could join me in South America, where we can do dirty business together. Long live Capitalism, long live the example of the Rockfellers, Howard Hughes and Donald Trump. Lykaon Spartiatiakos, Emerging Ruthless Capitalist |