SCAMMER SCIENCE THEATER 3000

From the Kindly Contributor of The Canadian Menace comes a blast from the future past!

... in this one i adopted the persona of TV's Frank, the dimwitted but lovable evil scientist from the old Mystery Science Theater 3000 show.

For those who had better things to do in the '90s: Mystery Science Theater 3000 was an American TV show about a guy who is kidnapped and forced to watch really bad movies. The movie was shown in the background, with the shapes of the film viewers in front, cracking jokes about it. It was like sitting in a movie theater behind a couple of clowns. So pull up the Lazy Boy, pop the popcorn, and get ready for... SCAMMER SCIENCE THEATER 3000!

CYNTHIA (scammer)
RUDY WALTERS ("Diplomatic Courier Services")

versus

FRANK (of Scammer Science Theater 3000)
DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER (his boss)


CYNTHIA WOOD

Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005
From: "O seu nome"
To: TV's Frank
Subject: opportunity

Sir,
I am a lady accountant with a bank here in London. There is a fixed deposit of £150,000,000.00 (One Hundred and Fifty Million Pounds Starling) made to this bank since 1994 which ten years now and since then no clam or withdrawal have been made on that deposit. Fortunately, I have been the person working the interest from the day of deposit to date. The interesting part of it is that the fixed deposit belongs to the late Nigerian dictator General Sani Abach, this means that the account may have been abandoned by the surviving family members or that they are not even aware of the existence of the deposit. However, I just finished updating the interest of the deposit this January, and it has come up to £105,000,000.00 at the 7% interest rate per annum. It is this interest that I am interested in because I know very well that the family will care less on what happens to the interest if they want to redeem the deposit, they will be interested on the main money, that is if they are able to clam it at all because all the money lodged into different banks here in Europe and United States are now been claimed by the Nigerian government. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/3333557.stm Meanwhile, my plan is to withdraw just some amount from the accumulated interest, which will not even affect the main fixed deposit. I will give you the details of procedure and my full ID when I receive your reply and indication of partner. Your reward and amount to withdraw will be our mutual agreement to avoid any misunderstanding. We have noting to lose, we only courage to do this. Sincerely yours, Miss. NB: I decided to contact a stranger for this deal because of the saying that your best friend could be your worst enemy.
regards
cnythia wood


FRANK

Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005

Dear Mrs. Wood,

I have received your e-mail proposal. Please send me more details.

Sincerely,

TV's Frank


CYNTHIA WOOD

Subject: information needed
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005

Hi,

Thanks for your mail.
First I have to know your properly to be sure that you can handle this deal without proble and be able to give me my own share of the money after the transfer is completed into your account.

I need the following information.
1. Your full name and address.
2. Your occupation
3. Your nationality.
4. Your marital status and age.
5. A copy of your international passport.
6. Your contact phone number.

However, I will tell you the next step after receiving these information and I will also send my passport to you as sign of my sincerity. My real name is Cynthia Woodward and I am a British national, married with two kids and a staff of Lloyds bank tsb of London.

Cynthia


FRANK

Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005

Dear Mrs. Woodward,

I've received your last e-mail and I'm very excited to be able to assist you with this money transfer. All that cash would really help me to get out on my own and away from Dr. Forrester. Sure, I enjoy my work here at Gizmonic Institute, but things haven't been quite the same since being transferred to Deep 13. Honestly, I do get tired of some of the stunts that get pulled by my boss; like the time Dr. F. discovered my blood was of a very rare type and he drained me off in my sleep. (Don't believe them for a minute when they tell you you'll never notice the difference between real blood and propylene glycol!) But I digress...

Here's my information:

Dr. TV's Frank
Assistant Research Scientist
Gizmonic Institute, Deep 13
P.O. Box 5325
Hopkins, MN 55343

I don't have a copy of my passport handy, but if you'll give me until next week I can get it for you then.

Sincerely,

TV's Frank


CYNTHIA WOOD

Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2005

Hi Dr. Frank,

Thanks for your mail, we can work this out together and I have attached my passport copy to this mail.

However, we have to move very fast without further delay. Based on this, send me your contact phone number, also, can you fly to europe?

I need to know immediately so as to know what next to do. Also, are you married? is your wife aware of this?

Cynthia

[note- Cynthia attached a rather poorly photoshopped copy of a UK passport]


FRANK

Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005

Cynthia,

You seem to be a very big hurry to move this money. Is there a reason for this? If you want to call me, my home phone number is 722-667-2621. It's best to try after 7:00pm CST, since Dr. Forrester has been making us work late at the lab on the new Hypno Helio Static Stasis project. The project was really my idea, but after the whole "deep hurting" debacle, Dr. F's been keeping a close eye on me.

Now about this "flying to Europe" business- is that really necessary? I mean, can't we just do the money transfer electronically? It might be tough for me to get away so I'd need to know for sure that all that money will really be there. Maybe I could tell Dr. F. that a relative has died and I need to go to Europe to take care of the funeral. I don't know if he'd believe me though, so I might need your help.

By the way, I looked at your passport photo, and I must say you are quite an attractive woman. I am not married and have not had a woman in my life for a long, long time. It's too bad you're married, because if you are as beautiful on the inside as your picture suggests you are on the outside, you'de be quite the catch!

OK, I've got to go. Jerry and the other molemen are gonna start wondering why I've taken so long.

DR. TV's Frank


CYNTHIA WOOD

Subject: electronic transfer
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005

Hi Frank,

Yes I am in a hurry because I will like to conclude this transfer when I am still in the position to do so because anything is possible, I could be transferred out from here.

However, I understand the fact that your schedule is tight and will not like you to have problem with your boss till this business is concluded, after which you will have more than enough money to be independent.

Based on transfering the money electronicaly, it will need payment of some charges before the transfer is made to your account. Also, I need to know the account you wish to have the money transferred to and how good is the account and where is it?

Also, I need to know whom I am entrusting this money to, I mean your passport.
Looking towards your reply soon.

Cynthia


FRANK

Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005

Cynthia,

Attached you will find a copy of my passport to prove my identity. I hope it comes through OK. Dr. Forrester has been a real jerk the past few days, and I can't wait to tell him to "go push the button" once we get all that cash. Since your first e-mail to me I've had a hard time sleeping at night, what with all the dreams of what I can do with the money- and I must admit I have been quite taken with your passport photograph. I find myself returning to look at it over and over...it really is too bad you are married. The only woman around here that even gives me a second glance is Perl, but she's old enough to be my mom.

Please let me know what the next step should be.

Sincerely,

Dr. TV's Frank

[I attached a photoshopped passport of Frank. And I must admit that mine looked a lot better than Cynthia's attempt.]


CYNTHIA WOOD

Subject: your opinion
Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2005

Hi Frank,

I like your look and also how you express your fellings, don't loss hope on your dreams.

However, out first step is to get a next of kin court affidavit in your name from a court here in London through the help of an attorney here.

What about the coming to Holland or using the electronic Transfer, which do you prefare?

I will send you the mode of opration later when I receive your decision.

Cynthia


FRANK

Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2005

My Dearest Cynthia,

I am so sorry for not writing back sooner, but as you may have heard we experienced a major snow storm this past weekend. The weight of all the snow and ice toppled several trees and took out our power. We ended up stuck here at Gizmonic Institute for the duration without any phone or e-mail. Heck, we even lost contact with the satellite and we haven't heard from Joel, Tom or Crow since last Thursday. I sure hope they are all right.

With the main power out we had to run the backup generator, which only has enough juice to get a few things going down at Deep 13. We decided to make the best of it and watch a few movies, but all we could find were some Burt I. Gordon and Roger Corman films (go figure), so we just decided to play sheepshead with Torgo instead.

So with the power back on, I finally got to get caught up on some e-mail. I've been thinking about you a lot, and I've decided to ask Dr. F. for some time off so I can fly to Europe to meet with you. Does your husband know about this? You suggested Holland- anywhere in particular? I am guessing Amsterdam. If I fly out, when would you want me to be there? And could I spend some time with you- you know, getting to know you a little better? Please let me know the specifics about where and when-

I await your reply.

Frank


CYNTHIA WOOD

Subject: Holland
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005

) Hi Frank.

Thanks for your reply mail, First, my husband is not aware of this and he should not be told, we have to legalize this fund transfer business by securing a next of kin court affidavit in your name regarding to that deposit account.

Therefore, I am already preparing a next of kin court affidavit on your behalf with the help of an attorney here. I have not completed his requested charge though, I am working hard to complete it.

Please, I need these information ASAP to avoid further delays and be able to prepare the payment documents so that the fund will be paid through one of our corresponding banks in Holland.

We will meet in Amsterdam and maybe stay together in the same hotel but we must have to be very serious about this business when we meet and not to allow our emotions and feelings to control us.

Meanwhile, will next week be possible for you to fly in?

Cynthia


FRANK

Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005

Dearest Cynthia,

First off all, I want to say thank you for all the hard work you must be doing to arrange this transaction. I imagine all the preparation must keep you away from your family. Since I don't have a family of my own I can't really imagine, although I am "married to my work". If we are able to pull off our plans, I will probably, no DEFINITELY, be quitting my job here at Gizmonic Institute. Having worked all these years in the shadow of Dr. Forrester has not been easy, and I would love to get out on my own. I'll up a lab to work on my latest project, Hypno Helio Static Stasis. HHSS (with X-4) is a new technology that sets up a resonant frequency of... well, it would take a scientist to explain and I don't want to bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, that there are going to be a LOT of changes in ol' Frank's life in the next few weeks.

You mentioned a hotel in Amsterdam that we could stay at. Is this something you will take care of or do I have to do it myself? Please let me know either way. I'd also like you to send me another picure of yourself...if you know what I mean...

My next step is going to be setting up transportation to Holland. I was going to ask Dr. Forrester for some time off, but since I'll be quitting my job anyway I may just leave without telling him! Ha won't that cheese him off! Any preferred date or time for my arrival? I'll be flying out of Minneapolis/St. Paul and hopefully I can get a direct flight. Do I need to bring anything with me as far as paperwork, cash, documents?

Please write back soon,

Faithfully yours,

Frank


CYNTHIA WOOD

Subject: requirements
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005

Dear Frank,

Sorry for my delay in reply, my daughter was sick and I took her to the hospital.

However, I already have a next of kin affidavit on your behalf to that account. Also, the fund and all the transfer paper documents will be forwarded to Holland through European Union Automated Clearing Administrators, this is to avoid any problem with the EU as you must know that Britain is not among the EU.

You need to come with two things.

1. Your international passport as prove if your ID to the European Union Automated Clearing Administrators.
2. Some money about (20,000.00 euro) that we will use and open a personal account in your name. this will be done inside the bank where the fund will be paid in for you to transfer.
Make your flight arrangement to be in Amsterdam by Wednesday. Also let me know immediately if there is any problem with this arrangement..

I have attached my pic as you requested. Also send me yours.

With love
Cynthia.

NB: which hotel are we going to stay in?


FRANK

Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005

Dearest Cynthia,

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter being ill, I hope in wasn't anything too serious. Not having a family of my own, I can't imagine what it must be like; although I did have to take care of Dr. Forrester when Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano busted him up a few seasons back.

I have some great news! At first I thought I was going to have a hard time finding a flight out to Amsterdam. Fortunately I was able to book a seat on United for a very low price. The plan right now is for me to Leave Minneapolis on February 2nd at 12:55pm, and I will arrive in Amsterdam at 9:10am on February 3rd. I'll be on United flight 908 coming in. Since I've never been to Amsterdam, I'm going to plan to spend a week and return home on the 9th. It would give me the greatest pleasure if we can spend some time together to celebrate our accomplishment.

In your last message you suggested I bring along a rather large sum of money to open an account in which the funds will be transferred. I'm not really sure I feel comfortable carrying that amount of cash with me, but I suppose I'll have to get used to it since we are both going to be RICH! Is it OK if I bring half the amount in Euros, and the other half in US dollars?

And thank you so much for the picture of yourself, I really means a lot to me to know I'm working with someone as beautiful as you!

With Love,

Frank


CYNTHIA WOOD

Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2005

Hi Frank,

Thanks for your concern about my daughter and information, I will give you my flight intinary on Tuesday as I do not have problem getting a flight to Amsterdam.
Meanwhile, you did not send me your own pic why? Also, I am happy that we can stay up to a week

Cynthia


CYNTHIA WOOD

Subject: fund moved
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005

Hi Frank,

How was your weekend, I hope fine.
I want to inform you that the transfer instruction have today been passed to our correspondance in Holland. Therefore, we will go to the bank for opening of the account which will be made the same day of your arrival with the officials of the European Union Automated Clearing Administrators so the the money will be moved into your account as soon as possible.

Have you booked any reservation yet?

Reply me soon.
Cynthia


RUDY WALTERS

From: Diplomatic Courier Services
To: TV's Frank
Subject: EXPECTING YOUR ARRIVAL CONFIRMATION URGENTLY!!!
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005

Dear Dr. TV's Frank,

In line with our corporate responsibilities and payment procedure, vide your cross credit Draft (CCD) number TRN-9845246342 for 10,500,000.00 (Pounds), Dr. TV's Frank, as the beneficiary.

Please, be advised that you are required to proceed to Amsterdam, Holland as confirmed for Thursday, 3rd February, 2005 as quickly as possible, to attend a meeting and sign the necessary documents, needed to complete evaluation and lodgement of your Draft, into an account to be established internally in your name, at ING Bank, which will be your domiciliary depositing bank, for further credit to any bank of your choice.

Furthermore, please be informed to come along with items nos 1-3, and be prepared for the signing of items nos.4-5, while you should select optionally, on number 6 as stated below.

(1) Your valid international passport for identification.
(2) Your 2 most recent passport size photographs.
(3) Your foreign bank particulars for reconfirmation and further credit.
(4) Endorsement of the draft for lodgement.
(5) Funds release authority.
(6)Optional account selected, covers the account opening and the administrative charges if any viz:

ACCOUNT OPENING OPTIONS:

(a) Unscreen primary account 25,500.00 (Euros).
(b) International Payment Instruction Account (IPIA) 20,000.00 (Euros).
(c) General internal account opening 15,500.00 (Euros).

As soon as you arrive and check into your hotel, you may contact me directly for further directives, for the meeting in our office and the account opening as well. The anticipated time of completion will be 2 banking days.

Thanks again for your gracious and sincere time, towards the completion of your transaction.

Sincerely yours,

Rudy Walters Esq.
(Regional Administrator)
Tel: +31-645-932-614.

DIRECTEURS: Pete Van Donk;Daniel Hans;Alkman Buren;Kleivenk, Simon Freitz, M


CYNTHIA WOOD

Subject: movement
Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2005

Hi Frank,

The European Union Automated Clearing Administrators will like to contact you on the regards of this transfer, kindley adhare to their directives and also give me feedback immediately. They will be at your service.

However, I have an appointment with my traveling agent and will get my flight schedule tomorrow morning. I will give you update as soon as possible but I have been bocked for thursday morning arrival to Amsterdam.

Cynthia
NB: I hope all is well with you since I have not heared from you since my last mail. Please reply me soon.


FRANK

CC: diplomaticdcs@hotmail.com
Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005

Dearest Cynthia,

Sorry I've been out of touch, but I had quite a scare a few days ago when I became quite ill at work. At first I was hoping it wasn't anything too serious, but by the time I got home I could hardly stand. It might have been the flu, or maybe a radiation leak from the zero coif atomic hairdryer, but whatever it was I was SICK! You can imagine how worried I was that I'd miss my flight today and jeopardize all of our plans. Fortunately, I'm feeling better, but still not back up to 100%. Of course with the flight to Amsterdam later this morning I should have plenty of time to rest.

I have everything ready to go as the Diplomatic CDCS has instructed. Hopefully there won't be any problems with my flight, and I won't be detained at the airport. If all goes well, I should be arriving tomorrow morning. I'll be wearing a red Hawaiian shirt so you'll recognize me. I've also attached an updated picture of myself.

If you need to contact me, my cellular phone number is 612-348-1800. I'll be leaving my phone OFF until tomorrow morning to save the batteries.

Well, best of luck with your plans! I'm off to the airport!

Love,

TV's Frank

[I attached a close up of Frank.]


CYNTHIA WOOD

Subject: communication
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2005

Hi Frank,

The mobile number you gave to me 612-348-1800 is been answered by a lady and she said that it is US security service. What is going on? email me your number soon.

Meanwhile, I had to change my flight because my daughter is down again and I cannot tell my husband that I am traveling while my daughter is soo sick. I will be changing flight but you must have to get in contact with the EDSCS fast.

Cynthia


DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER

From: Clayton Forrester
To: TV's Frank
CC: Cynthia Woodward
Subject: Has anyone seen TV's Frank?
Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005

Sorry to send this en masse to everyone, but has anyone seen TV's Frank today (2/3/2005)?? He hasn't shown up for work, and there is no answer at his house. He was supposed to meet me at DEEP 13 this morning for another test of Hypno Helio Static Stasis, but he was a no show. Someone said he was sick over the weekend, but I know here was here early yesterday morning- his computer was on and their were donut crumbs all over his workstation.

If anyone knows where he is, contact me immediately!! The SOL isn't going to stay in orbit by itself!

Dr. Clayton Forrester
Lead Research Scientist
Gizmonic Institute


FRANK

Subject: Where are you?
Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005

Cynthia,

Well this is a fine pickle! I've been sitting around Schiphol airport all day looking for you, which isn't easy given the size of this place. It wasn't until I realized I could check my e-mail to see it there is a message from you.
What does your message mean that you had to deal with your sick child? Are you here in Amsterdam or still in the UK? I'll probably end up getting a hotel somewhere, and try and contact you later.
Please send your cell phone number so we can talk. I don't like being out of touch here in a foreign country. I don't understand the problem with my phone number- I've had it on all day and it hasn't rung once.

BTW- I brought my laptop with me, so I should be able to check e-mail once I find a hotel.

Frank

s
CYNTHIA WOOD

Subject: your hotel #
Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2005

Frank,

Your number was answered in the states by a lady. Which hotel are you? Send me their phone number and your room number immediatedly. I will call you at my convinient because I would not like my husband to know about you and you may call while we were together. Our daughter is seriously sick.

Meanwhile, why didn't you contact the Diplomatic CDCS office that will take us to the bank? Also, how did Dr. Clayton Forrester get my email address?

I am arranging my coming. Reply me soon since you have your laptop with you.

Cynthia


FRANK

Subject: Hotel information
Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005

Cynthia,

I have to admit that I was really mad at you last night. But now that I've had time to think about things I'm feeling better. The flight from the US was a lot longer and duller than I expected, and then when you weren't at the gate to meet me I thought the worst. Maybe I was just overly tired but I was beginning to think maybe you aren't for real. Of course when I finally figured out I could check my e-mail, then read about your sick daughter it put things into perspective for me. Of course a night's sleep and some sightseeing today helped.

Earlier this morning I tried to call the Diplomatic Courier Service at the number you gave me, but when the phone rang all I heard was a "whooop- whoop" sound. I tried a couple more times but I kept getting the same sound. Is that some kind of crazy European busy signal? You didn't give me an address for the DCS, so for now I'm just waiting to hear from you.

Don't worry about that e-mail from Dr. Forrester- by now he must be going crazy wondering where I am! I got the same message too, and from the looks of it he sent the message to everyone in my address book. He has done this in the past- send out these bulk e-mails to everyone in our system- which can be quite embarrassing depending on the message.

As soon as I send this message I'll make another attempt at contacting the DCS. If I don't get through by phone I'll e-mail them. Again, my cellular phone number is 612-348-8100. I'm staying at the NH Schiphol Airport Hotel room 319 and the phone number looks like its +31 (0)20 655 0550.

Please let me know when you plan on arriving, I can't wait to see you and get this wrapped up.

TV's Frank


FRANK

From: TV's Frank
To: diplomatic dcs
CC: "cynthia woodwardÓ
Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005

Good evening,

I have arrived here in Amsterdam and have made numerous attempts to contact you at your phone number. Unfortunately I have been unable to connect with you directly. The concierge at the hotel was unable to help me locate an alternate number in the phone directory, so I am hoping this e-mail will reach you in time.

My business partner, Cynthia Woodward, has been detained in the UK due to a family illness. She is unsure of when she will arrive to complete our transaction; however rest assured that we would like things to proceed as quickly as possible. Are your offices open on the weekend?

Please call me at 612-348-8100 to discuss our meeting. I am staying at the HN Schiphol Airport Hotel, room 319.

Thank you for your consideration,

TV's Frank


RUDY WALTERS

From: "Diplomatic Courier Services"
To: TV's Frank
Subject: REPLY....
Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005

Dear Frank,

In reply to your mail dated 4th Feb,2005. We have waited for your call since yesterday to enable us secure an appointment at the ING Bank on your behalf.

I will call you on the stated telephone number on Monday the 7th of Feb to reschedule our meeting, it is still confusing that you can not reach us on phone, i think you have an incorrect number with you.

Note that our office does not work on Saturdays and Sundays.

Sincerely yours,
Rudy Walters Esq.


FRANK

Subject: I am worried
Date: Mon, 07 Feb 2005

Dear Cynthia,

I have spent another day sitting in my hotel room waiting for the phone to ring and you never called and you never e-mailed. Since I was sad and feeling lonely, I decided to go down to the hotel bar and have a few drinks to drown my sorrows. While sitting there alone, I was approached by a few nice German fellows who asked if I'd like to join them for a drink. As we talked they were very interested in why I was here in Amsterdam just hanging out in the bar. Well, since I had a few drinks in me, I told them about you and our plan. I'm not sure what I said, but they both started laughing so hard that Helmut fell off his barstool. They told me to "enjoy my money" and asked if I had any plans "to fly on to Nigeria". Do you know why they would say that? Maybe it was a German thing, but they sure got a laugh at my expense. The whole thing only left me feeling even worse. We need to get this thing wrapped up tomorrow so please call me. Is there a reason you haven't sent me your cell phone number? My flight leaves here Wednesday morning, so we need to work quickly.

TV's Frank


FRANK

Subject: Now I'm Depressed
Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005

Oh Cynthia, why have you led me down this awful path? I am so disappointed that you have not contacted me about our business transaction. Woe, woe is me! Here I am all alone in a foreign country with nothing to keep me company but my shattered dreams of meeting you and sharing in all that wealth. There's nothing for me to go back home to, since Dr. Forrester has informed me that I've been FIRED from my job at Gizmonic Institute. Oh the shame of it all! Even Torgo and the Molemen are upset with me.

I am so, so sad...

TV's Frank


FRANK

Subject: I'm home and things are looking up
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005

Dear Cynthia,

I had been dreading coming back home after our failed attempt at scamming all that money. Knowing that I'd been fired from my job at Gizmonic Institute was weighing heavily on my mind the entire flight back. Once I arrived home, I was too depressed to do anything, so I just flipped on my computer and decided to see if there were any new messages from you. Not surprisingly, you had not written back. However as I read through the few message I did have, there was one that did pique my interest.

It seems that a Mr. Nicolas Kaseko, an auditor of a major South African bank is holding a sum of $36,000,000 from an individual who died in the 2000 crash of the Concorde. He needs my help getting the money transferred, and I'll get to keep $10,000,000!! So I guess all is not lost for old TV's Frank!

Now you'll have to excuse me- I need to book a flight to Johannesburg!

TV's Frank



scamorama
subscribe!