The Foreign Office has noted discontent among scammers who fail to con them out of money, be it dorks or dollars. In an effort to pinpoint the source of dissatisfaction, the FO Quality Assurance Department have designed the following survey, to be filled out by scammers post-failure. So far, none have been willing to participate, so there are no statistics to report.

From: HRH Princess Margaret
Subject: Mugu Dissatisfaction Survey!


We are disappointed that you and your friends have stopped writing to us - especially as so many others, besides myself and all the other ficticious characters here that is, have enjoyed your stupid attempts at working a scam online throughout. In order to improve our disservice to mugu conmen like yourself whereever they come from please answer and return the following questionnaire - at your inconvenience naturally.

1. I am a inept conman working a crime out of:

a. Nigeria
b. The Gambia
c. Another African Country

2. My intelligence is:

a. indifferent
b. uncertain
c. mugu

3. I believed that I was really talking to a dead member of the British royal family

a. From the start
b. For most of the time
c. You mean I was not?

4. The time spent making a fool of myself was

a. Considerable
b. Annoying
c. Costly
d. Embarrassing
e. All four [we hope]

5. My friends now think I am:

a. Stupid
b. Naive
c. Dead, when they catch up with me

6. I would recommend the disservice I have received to:

a. My gang master
b. Those many hundreds now laughing at me on line
c. Those law enforcement officials who may well be contacting me shortly

7. The chances of my realising that what I am doing is a crime and that I am a pathetic criminal are:

a. Good
b. Better than even
c. As long as my prison sentence will surely be

Please return your completed entry to my office within 2 days to receive $65,000,000 in gold bullion packed in trunk boxes (upon receipt of the usual demurrage, of course)

'MARGARET' Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto,
Room 101
The Royal Les Dawson Suite
Kensington Doss House,
44 870 751 5170

A number of smaller countries are located near Nigeria - Benin, Togo, Cameroon, Ghana, The Gambia (why The Gambia? I dunno, why The Bronx?), Senegal, Burkina Faso. Some are anglophone, some are francophone. Just because a scam-o-gram comes from, say, Benin, doesn't mean the scammer is Beninois. Also, just because a phone call appears to come from, or is requested to, a number in, say, the UK, doesn't mean it isn't being re-routed from or to another number in another country. Modern times.