Lonslo Tossov, world's rudest barrister with a bad case of CAPS LOCK and a penchant for Gunga Din era rude British-style colonialisms, wastes a bit of time with Mike Zayyad - who is not, as we thought, a beautiful supernatural creature who dwells among the trees, but another phony barrister and a Lad to boot. This is an example of the Customized Dead Bank Customer Letter, in which the imaginary DBC is given a last name cleverly matching that of the recipient.
Mike Zayyad:Dear Tossov , I am Barrister mike zayyad, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to Mr MARK Tossov , who used to work with shell development company in Nigeria. Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 1999, my client, his wife And their three children were involved in a car accident along Sagbama express road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to his country's embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were lodged. Particularly, the finance company where the deceased had an account valued at about 10million dollars has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confisicated within the next ten official working days. since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at 10million dollars can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money. 70% to me and 30% to you I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. all I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. please get in touch with me by my email:mizayyad2@juno.com to enable us discuss further. Best regards, Barrister mike zayyad Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Cc: agatha bristol Date: 21 Nov 2002, 03:20:27 PM Dear Mr Zayyad I did indeed have some relatives in that part of the world and I am prepared to take what you say on face value. I must admit a few million dollars would come in very useful at the moment as I have a elderly aunt, Agatha, in England who will need a lot of expensive medical treatment shortly. Since her health will be so closely entwined with any business we do together I have taken the liberty of copying her into this generous offer of yours, and I hope this is OK. Please send me all the details you have and I will consider them fairly and honestly as soon as possible. Lonslo[ His aunt is apparently Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE, of the British Foreign Office, a dangerous individual indeed, seen elsewhere in these pages. ] Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: REPLY Date: Fri, 22 Nov 2002 18:34:06 GMT DAER LANSLO TOSSOV THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR MAIL.FIRST OF ALL,I WANT YOU TO SEND THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS TO ME. 1)YOUR FULL NAMES AND ADDRESS 2)YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE/MOBILE AND FAX NUMBERS INCLUDING COUNTRY CODE AND CITY CODE. I WILL FIRST OF ALL,PREPARE WHAT IS CALLED A POWER OF ATTORNEY IN YOUR FAVOUR.THIS WILL POSITION YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED AND ALSO THE BENEFICIARY OF TRHE DEPOSIT. I WILL THEN SEND THE (P.O.A)TO YOU AFTER GOING TO STAMP DUTY IT TO MAKE IT LEGAL.I WILL ALSO SEND A COPY TO THE FINANCE COMPANY THAT IS IN CUSTODY OF THE DEPOSIT.I WILL THEN SEND THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT TO YOU SO THAT YOU WILL HAVE ALL THE INFORMATIONS REGARDING THE DEPOSIT BEFORE YOU WILL CONTACT THE DIRECTOR TO CONCLUDE WITH HIM ON HOW TO CLAIM THE DEPOSIT. YOU CAN CALL ME ON MY DIRECT TELEPHONE 234-1-4716889 OR 234-803-7141772. THANKS MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Date: 24 Nov 2002, 08:16:40 AM Subject: Re: REPLY Mike Here is my address and number: Lonslo Tossov Tossov Investments SA 1 Yanker Ave, Mbalongawank 123 Via Costeira - Natal Phone/Fax: +55 (84) 202.1300 Lets have the details as soon as possible. TOSSOV Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: REPLY Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2002 16:21:32 GMT DEAR LANSLO TOSSOV PLEASE WAIT FOR THE DOCUMENTS TOMMORROW. THANKS MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: postmaster@scamorama.com Date: 26 Nov 2002, 03:09:15 AM Subject: Re: REPLY Hurry man,I am getting worried about how serious you are. Tossov Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: ATTACHMENT PLEASE CONFIRM Date: Tue, 26 Nov 2002 17:51:45 GMT DEAR LANSLO TOSSOV, FIND ATTACHED THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT AND THE POWER OF ATTORNEY. YOU CAN NOW CALL THE DIRECTOR OF THE COMPANY IN CANADA MR. OLA DAVIS ON TELEPHONE NUMBER 1-4169060298. TELL HIM THAT YOU ARE THE NEXT OF KIN TO MR. MARK TOSSOV AND THE BENEFICIARY OF THE DEPOSIT. YOU SHOULD QUOTE THE DEPOSIT NUMBER CONTAINED IN THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT, THAT YOU NOW WANT TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT TO RECEIVE THE MONEY. CALL ME BACK ON 23414716889 AFTER CALLING THE DIRECTOR. THANKS MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: ScamoReades Date: 26 Nov 2002, 10:44:27 AM Subject: Fwd: ATTACHMENT PLEASE CONFIRM IT SEEMS I AM RICH ACCORDING TO THESE SCOUNDRELS_WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON_THESE DOCUMENTS ARE CLEARLY BOGUS_IS THE WHOLE WORLD A SINKHOLE OF PATHETIC VILLAINY?_THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED IN THE ARMY_MY SOLICITOR BARRYMORE WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS SHOWER OF HALF BAKED CON ARTISTS I HAVE NO DOUBT TOSSOV Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Date: 28 Nov 2002, 08:38:50 AM Subject: Re: REPLY Dear Mike Have you got the documents? I am getting worried. Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: ATTACHMENT PLEASE CONFIRM Date: Tue, 26 Nov 2002 17:51:45 GMT DEAR LANSLO TOSSOV, FIND ATTACHED THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT AND THE POWER OF ATTORNEY. YOU CAN NOW CALL THE DIRECTOR OF THE COMPANY IN CANADA MR. OLA DAVIS ON TELEPHONE NUMBER 1-4169060298. TELL HIM THAT YOU ARE THE NEXT OF KIN TO MR. MARK TOSSOV AND THE BENEFICIARY OF THE DEPOSIT. YOU SHOULD QUOTE THE DEPOSIT NUMBER CONTAINED IN THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT, THAT YOU NOW WANT TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT TO RECEIVE THE MONEY. CALL ME BACK ON 23414716889 AFTER CALLING THE DIRECTOR. THANKS MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Date: 02 Dec 2002, 03:58:20 AM Subject: Re: ATTACHMENT PLEASE CONFIRM Hello Mike Have you any news? This is urgent now as I have to go to Smegaroon for an operation. Lonslo Tossov Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: REPLY Date: Tue, 3 Dec 2002 18:10:04 GMT DEAR TOSSOV, I SECRETELY TRIED THE LINE AND IT WAS THROUGH.THE NUMBER IS 1- 4169060298.YOU SHOULD PLEASETAKE CARE OF THE TIME DIFFERENCE WHEN CALLING. ON THE OTHER HAND,I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOUR LINE 55842021300 WITHOUT SPEAKING TO YOU.WHEN I DROP MESSAGE,YOU DONT CALL ME BACK ON MY LINE 234-1-4716889. SO PLEASE CALL MR.OLA DAVIES TODAY OR TOMORROW TO CONCLUDE ON THIS .I CAN NOT POSSIBLY BE JOKING WITH THIS KIND OF DEAL. THANKS AND GOD BLESS MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Date: 04 Dec 2002, 03:43:52 AM Subject: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Dear Mike I have tried again without success. Is Mr Davies a phantom? Does he exist? Either you are serious or not about this, please get matters in order, as I do not joke. My heart is weak and I cannot stand this tension, this delay. I am on medication, I have a condition, and need to reduce the stress in my life. You are helping to kill an old man. You are making me weaker with each successive failing. Would you have this on you conscience? Could you face the world knowing what you have done and your bank manager, knowing what you have let slip through your fingers? This is a chance which should be grasped firmly. I am, despite my weaknesses, ready to take up the challenge. I have the strength to see this through, to have one last business work, and to make some money for my retirement, I know it. Do not play with these hopes, these dreams, these desires! Take care of this opportunity and be a man. Please, please, please call me at once and let us stop this nonsense! God help you as he helps me. Lonslo Tossov Snr Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: REPLY Date: Thu, 5 Dec 2002 15:02:33 GMT DEAR TOSSOV, I HAVE CALLED YOUR NUMBER SEVERAL TIMES AND EACH TIME I CALL,IT IS A HOTEL AND THE RECEIVER SEEM NOT TO KNOW YOU . PLEASE CONFIRM OTHER NUMBERS WHERE I CAN REACH YOU .I HAVE CALLED MR. DAVIES NUMBER FROM HERE AND THE NUMBER IS GOOD,SO PLEASE CONFIRM YOUR NUMBER SO THAT I CAN SEND MAIL FOR MR. DAVIES TO CALL YOU .TIME IS RUNNING OUT,OR CALL ME ON ANY OF MY DIRECT LINE:234-1- 4716889 OR 234-8037141772. THANKS MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Date: 05 Dec 2002, 09:04:05 AM Subject: Re: REPLY Mike, I should have explained that I have a business suite at the hotel. My apologies. Please call again and ask for my secretary Irma Wanker and you will get the results you deserve. I am waiting for your call. Lonslo Tossov Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: REPLY Date: Fri, 6 Dec 2002 15:24:07 GMT DEAR TOSSOV, I CALLED AGAIN TODAY AND ASKED OF YOUR SECRETARY IRMA WANKER BUT AGAIN THE RECEPTIONIST CAN NOT FIND WANKER ON THEIR LIST OR EVEN TOSSOV INVESTMENT S.A. SHE ASKED ME THE SUITE NUMBER,I SAID I DONT KNOW.COULD YOU PLEASE CONFIRM THE SUITE NUMBER OR WHY NOT CALL ME INSTED ON MY LINES 234-1-4716889 OR 234- 8037141772.PLEASE I DONT LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON.THIS DELAY WILL INCURE DEMURAGE. THANKS MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Date: 07 Dec 2002, 05:41:10 AM Subject: Fwd: REPLY MIYAZZAD IS THIS SOME SORT OF A JOKE? DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL? I AM SITTING HERE RIGHT NOW IN THESE LOVELY OFFICES WITH THE PHONE RINGING AND MS WANKER IS PREPARING SCONES_ SO HOW IS IT YOU CANNOT GET THROUGH?? THIS IS VERY STRANGE TO SAY THE LEAST_I HAVE GIVEN YOU REPEATED CHANCES TO START THIS BUSINESS OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT AND INSTEAD YOU SAY MY ORGANISATION CANNOT BE CONTACTED_YET WHEN I TRY YOUR NUMBER THERE IS NO ANSWER_PERHAPS THIS WHOLE THING SHOULD BE CALLED OFF_BUT I AM WILLING TO GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE I WILL GIVE YOU A CODE NAME AND LEAVE INSTRUCTIONS FOR YOU TO PUT THROUGH BY SWITCHBOARD AT ONCE CALL AGAIN IF YOU ARE REALLY SERIOUS IN THIS AND ASK FOR WADDA PLONKER AND THIS WILL GET THE DESIRED RESULTS I AM SURE OTHER THAN THIS I AM TOO BUSY TO BE BOTHERED WITH THIS WHOLE AFFAIR ANY LONGER_DO THIS OR JUST DO NOT BOTHER ME WITH YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSES AGAIN MAN TOSSOV Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: REPLY Date: Mon, 9 Dec 2002 16:03:00 GMT MR. TOSSOV, WHY CANT YOU TRY AND CALL ME WITH THE NUMBERS I GAVE YOU.I EVEN TRIED TODAY AND ASKED THE RECEPTIONIST TO PUT ME THROUGH ROOM 3027 AND SHE COULD NOT.I AM WORRIED NOW.TRYB AND CALL THE DIRECTOR SO THAT WEWILL KNOW WHAT NEXT TO DO.PLEASE TRY MY NUMBER BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF CALLING YOUR NUMBER.CALL ME ON 234-1-4716889. TRHANKS MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Date: 09 Dec 2002, 09:04:30 AM Subject: Re: REPLY MIZAYYAD HAVE YOU GOT THE RIGHT NUMBER_ FOR GODS SAKE STOP THIS LUNACY AND MAKE CONTACT I HAVE BETTER COOLIES THAN THIS IN THE ARMY AT LEAST THEY KNEW HOW TO SWAT FLIES WITHOUT AN ALMIGHTY COCK UP_PICK UP THE PHONE AND LEAVE THE DRINK ALONE IF THAT IS WHAT IT IS T Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: REPLY Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 12:15:10 GMT I STILL CALL 55842021300. THE LADY THAT PICKED UP THE RECEIVER WANTED ME TO SAY THE SUITE NUMBER MR.WADDA PLONKER IS. LISTEN MY BROTHER,YOU CAN SOLVE THIS PROBLEM YOURSELF.I WAS NOT KIDDING TO HAVE CONTACTED YOU FOR US TO CARRY OUT THIS DEAL TOGETHER.YOU CAN CALL ME ON 234-1-4716889. (234) IS MY COUNTRY CODE (1) IS MY CITY CODE AND 4716889 IS MY NUMBER.OR YOU CAN GO AHEAD TO CALL THE DIRECTOR IN CANADA MR. OLA DAVIES SINCE YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE TWO DOCUMENTS I SENT TO YOU.TELL HIM THAT YOU ARE THE NEXT OF KIN TO MR. MARK TOSSOV.QUOTE THE DEPOSIT NUMBER WHICH IS ON THAT DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE . HE WILL NOW DIRECT YOU ON HOW TO SIGN AND CLAIM THE DEPOSIT.HIS TELEPHONE NUMBER IS (1 - 4169060298) OR BETTER STILL,YOU CAN INFORM ME YOUR SUITE NUMBER SINCE YOU SAY YOU MAINTAIN A SUITE FOR YOUR COMPANY SO THAT WHEN I CALL,I WILL JUST ASK FOR THE SUITE NUMBER .I KNOW MY DEAR FRIEND THAT YOU ARE BUSY,BUT I AM NOT FOLDING MY HANDS.YOU CAN FOLLOW EITHER OF THE THREE ALTERNATIVES SO THAT WE CAN MOVE FAST TO CONCLUDE THIS .I DONT INTEND WASTING YOUR TIME BUT THEN YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME. YOUR BROTHER MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Date: 10 Dec 2002, 05:48:52 AM Subject: Re: REPLY MIZAYYAD WHAT IS ALL THIS CYBER HOGWASH AND UTTER PREVARICATION_SURELY YOU CAN MAKE A SIMPLE PHONE CALL_THIS IS JUST ABSURD I HAVE A SWANKY SUITE IN THE HOTEL AND THE NAMES I HAVE GIVEN YOU ARE WELL KNOWN TO ALL AND SUNDRY_ YET YOU PERSIST IN THESE HALF HEARTED AND LIMP WRISTED ATTEMPTS TO MAKE CONTACT AS IF THERE WAS A JOKE TO BE MADE AT MY EXPENSE AND WE HAD ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD_WELL WE HAVENT MAN FAR FROM IT AS YOU CLAIM TO REALISE BUT I AM DOUBTING IT_IF YOU WANT THIS TRANSACTION MAN THEN PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND MAKE A REAL CALL NOT SOME FANTASY FROM YOUR FEVERED IMAGINATION NO DOUBT_ASK FOR A TOSSOV_IN MY PRIVATE SUITE 69_ FROM THE SWITCHBOARD AND YOU WILL SURELY GET ONE Lonslo Tossov Mike Zayyad: From: mizayyad2@juno.com To: Lonslo Tossov Subject: REPLY Date: Wed, 18 Dec 2002 15:45:08 GMT I AM VERY CONVINCED THAT YOU ARE TAKING ME FOR A SMOOTH RIDE.FIRST OF ALL,I CALLED THE HOTEL ONCE MORE AND FOUND THAT THERE IS NO ROOM AS 69 INSTEAD THEY HAVE ROOM 609 AND THAT THE OCCUPANT OF ROOM 609 DO NOT IN ANY WAY KNOW TOSSOV,WANKER PHONTER OR WHATEVER. THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN BE PUTTING ME IN A WIDE GOOSE CHESS. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED TO WORK WITH ME. CALL ME ON 234-1- 4716889.MY COUNTRY CODE IS 234,MY CITY CODE IS 1 AND MY NUMBER IS 4716889. FINALLY,PLEASE I NEED YOU TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION HONESTLY,WHY IS IT THAT YOU DONT HAVE A MOBILE PHONE OR HOME PHONE.INSTEAD YOU WANT ME TO BE CALLING YOU WITH HOTEL NUMBER. ]THANKS MIKE Lonslo Tossov: From: "Lonslo Tossov" To: mizayyad2@juno.com Date: 20 Dec 2002, 02:48:37 AM Subject: Re: REPLY MIZAYYAD OR MIKE WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU IMPLYING OR ARE YOU JUST COVERING UP YOU OWN INEFFICIENCIES AND ABILITY TO DELIVER YOU HAVE HAD PHONE NUMBERS AND YOU HAVE MY ADDRESS AND YET ALL I SEE IS DILLY DALLY AND WEAK KNEED NIN COMPOOPERY SURELY AFTER THIS THIS TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE MAN AND NOW THIS ATTEMPT AT WHEEDLING OUT OF THE WHOLE THING NO DOUBT_THE ACT OF A BLACKGUARD AND A BOUNDER IN MY EYES_MY PHONE IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN AS BELOW CALL IT AND STOP WITH THIS NONSENSE OR I WILL TAKE UP A BETTER OFFER I HAVE RECEIVED FROM A MISTER ABACHA AT LEAST HE SEEMS TO HAVE A GRAIN OF SENSE IN HIS HEAD AND KNOW WHAT HE WANTS WE HAVE SPOKEN WITHOUT A PROBLEM AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOURS IS_PRESUMABLY THAT YOU ARE A CLOTH HEAD AND A RAGAMUFFIN_EVEN YOUR NUMBERS DO NOT CONNECT MAN YOU REALLY ARE UNBELIEVABLE HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS Lonslo Tossov |