I am pleased to hear from you and if you would like to be any kind of friend of mine the first thing you can do is tell me where that son of a bitch brother of yours is. I'm referring to that thieving dickhead Mohammed. I gave that bastard over $17,000 to help him move some money out of Nigeria and then he disappeared.

Please send me his email address as soon as possible.

What do you mean, you can help me if I have the full information of the man that stole my money?? He's your BROTHER MOHAMMED!! You know, Mohammed?? You probably saw him around the house a few times when you were growing up?? That other kid who called your mother Mom??

What I want to know is, where is your brother Mohammed? I want you to send me his email address. Please do it quickly.

That's the last we hear from Samini. Enter Aye Alani...

Mr. Alani,

The timing of your email was perfect. If I understand you correctly, you have captured the slimy Mohammed Abacha, correct? Well, I heard from his brother Samini Abacha just yesterday. He says he left Nigeria and oozed into Ghana, wherever that is, and he's got more money and gold there that he wants me to take care of for him. I don't know where those guys got the idea that I'm the Abacha family bitch but I'm pretty sure they're trying to hose me again.

Please keep me up to date on Mohammed's prosecution. I would also like to attend his execution if I may be allowed to do so and, if not, perhaps you could arrange for it to be internationally televised. There is no punishment too extreme for that man.

Please let me know if I can be of any assistance in his prosecution.

Sincerely,
Lewis D. Noogie

Mr. Alani,

All I can say is, Nice Work! I'll try to go online tonight to see if I can find a good lawyer there in Ghana who can help me get this guy the maximum sentence.You, sir, have given me new hope.

I would like to clarify - what is the maximum sentence that Mohammed can get? And what are we going to do about his skeevy brother Samini? He's trying the same crap on me and I would like to see his ass in jail as well.

I'll let you know when I have a lawyer lined up.

Thank you very much.
Lewis D. Noogie

Mr. Alani,

If you already know of a good, aggressive lawyer there in Ghana, please send me his contact information.

You did not respond about this guy Samini - what can be done about him?

Sincerely,
Lewis D. Noogie

Mr. Mensah,

In way of introduction, I am Lewis D. Noogie, an International Hotel Consultant, currently working here in the Russian Federation. You were recommended to me by a Mr. Aye Alani, General Commander of Police and Fraudulent Investigator, to prosecute Mr. Mohammed Abacha in the high court of your country.

Before I decide if you are the attorney that I want, I would like to ask a couple of questions:

1. Is there any chance of me recovering the $17,000 that I gave to Mr. Abacha to help him move a sum of money out of Nigeria?

2. What is the maximum sentence I can count on Mr. Abacha receiving? In my opinion there is nothing too extreme for this man, up to and including a slow, painful execution.

3. Is there anything that can be done to prosecute his younger brother Samini? He recently contacted me to try and get more money out of me and he is currently in Ghanna.
I look forward to your response on these issues.

Sincerely,
Lewis D. Noogie

Mr. Mensah,

You're telling me that jerkoff Mohammed bought a CAR with my money? Damn his scruffy hide. That pisses me off, bigtime. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not upset with you, I just want to kill Mohammed. And you mean to say he's only gonna get 4 years for this??

I'm gonna go have a drink to calm down. Yes, please find out how much this ownership paper costs and let me know. Also please try to think up some more charges that we can bring against Mohammed. 4 years is not enough!

Thank you.
Lewis

Mr. Mensah,

I don't have a problem paying the $650 for this certificate. My Admin Assistant, Ms. Bushburn, handles all of my financial matters and she is due back from her vacation in Magnitogorsk on Saturday. How do you prefer she send the money to you? If you send an account number she can wire it to you.

I will ask you again - is there not some way we can have Mohammed's sentence extended? This is actually more important to me than getting my money back.

Mr.Mensah,

My Administrative Assistant will not be returning from her vacation until Saturday at which time she can wire the money. Please send me the account information that you want it wired to.

I am somewhat concerned that you may not be aware of who we're dealing with here. You keep referring to a 'Mohammed Samini'. The criminal we are concerned with is Mohammed ABACHA, and his brother's name is Samini ABACHA. They are two different people. Please confirm that you are aware of this.

Mr. Mensah,

The nearest Western Union office is in Irkutsk, about an 8-hour drive from here. I'll have to give Ms. Bushburn the cash and send her there tomorrow when she returns from her vacation. She's not gonna be too happy about this.

Thanks for confirming that we have the right person in custody. And thanks for helping me keep that bastard Mohammed behind bars where he belongs.

By the way, my friends call me Lewd (short for Lewis D.).

Mr. Alani,

My Admin Assistant, Ms. Bushburn, just arrived back from her vacation and will be leaving for Irkutsk in a few hours. As soon as she returns I'll have her scan my passport and send it to you.

Hi Mr. Mensah or whatever your real name is,

My name is Maya Bushburn, and I am Lewis Noogie's Administrative Assistant. I'm just back from vacation and Lewis asked me to send you $650 from the Irkutsk Western Union. Lewis is so naive when it comes to money so I take care of all of his financial matters and I try not to let him get into too much trouble. That said, we have a problem here.

Assuming that what Lewis tells me is correct, I see that you are trying to pull a simple 419 scam on him. I'm quite familiar with these scams as I have two close friends who have been fleeced by them, one of them being Lewis when this guy who claims to be Mohammed Abacha took him for more than $17,000. Now that I know what is going on here, your scam attempt is over.

Or maybe not. This could be a good opportunity for both of us.

You see, Mr. Mensah, Lewis doesn't pay me very much for the work that I do for him and I am always having to look for ways to augment my income. With this in mind, I'm willing to let you continue your scam with Lewis but only if I make some money out of it.

My suggestion is this - I'm sure that once you receive this $650 you'll think up other reasons for him to send more money. There is no Western Union here in Gadyukina so Lewis will have to give me the cash and send me to the Western Union office in Irkutsk. So here's the deal - I'll send you 30% of what he gives me to send to you and I'll keep 70%. Every time you ask him to send you additional money. I will tell Lewis it's ok and the same percentages will apply.

So that's it. If you agree, you'll get some money. If you don't agree, I tell Lewis you're scamming him and you get nothing.

Hope to hear from you soon Mr. Mensah.

Hi again Mr. Mensah,

You can stop trying to convince me that you're a lawyer. I've done a lot of reading about these scams and I know that you're sitting in some internet cafe writing these emails to Lewis and lots of other people. Give it up Mensah.

As his Administrative Assistant I have access to Lewis' email and I deleted the two emails that you sent him. No sense getting him excited yet. He gave me the $650 to send to you and I'm going to give you one more chance. If you have any brains at all we can both make some money from this.

You have a choice - you play along with me and I send you 30% of this $650 and then you write and tell him you need more for some other reason.

or

I tell Lewis that you're a sleezy 419 scammer and you'll get nothing.

Your choice, but you better decide quickly. He wants me to leave for Irkutsk today.

Hi again Mr. Mensah,

I don't mean to be annoying but I don't want us to miss this opportunity.

Think about it, would you rather have 30% of this $650, about $180, and more later, or nothing? I'm the one with the power here, which is usually the case when it's Woman vs. man. Lewis knows absolutely nothing about computers and I can intercept any or all of your emails to him. I can shut you down, sweetheart.

Look, work with me here, we might even become friends over this. I can give you the names and email addresses of Lewis' partners, they're both idiots like him, and maybe we can pull the same thing on them. Lets do this.

By the way, do you want to tell me your real name or do I keep calling you Mensah?

Lawyer. Yeah, right. Sure. If you say so.

Yes, we are working together now but I'm sorry, Mensah, I won't be able to give you 50% of the $650. You see, as the woman in this partnership I'm the only one who can make this work, so I deserve more. What you have to do is come up with the ideas for asking Lewis for more money and bigger amounts. If you do a good job then maybe you'll get a larger percentage in the future.

We have a little bit of a timing problem. I left for Irkutsk about an hour ago but a storm has set in and the roads are getting dangerous. I have to stop in Tula for tonight and will try to proceed to Irkutsk tomorrow depending on how bad this storm gets. Lewis doesn't know I'm stopping for the night so we can go ahead and start working on his next payment. Do this - Send him an email saying you received the $650 but that there's some other problem that has to be fixed that's going to cost more money. Let's try for around $2000 this time. He's going to scream and yell but if I tell him it's legitimate he'll pay it. When I get to Irkutsk, I'll send you the $180 I promised, then I'll go back to Gadyukina, pick up the $2000 from him and make another trip to Irkutsk to send you $600. By that time you should have come up with another reason for him to send you more money.

I'll be watching Lewis' mailbox so don't try anything crazy like telling him what's going on. Remember, do something stupid like that and you get nothing.

I hope you do as I tell you because I kind of enjoy corresponding with you.

Mensah,

I can't send you anything today. This storm has stranded me in Tula and the roads are under 3 feet of snow.

Do like I said in my last email. Send an email to Lewis today, tell him you received the $650, but you need him to send you another $2000 for a tax or something. If I can get to Irkutsk tomorrow I'll send you $200, then I'll go back to Gadyukina, get the $2000, and send you $600 next weekend.

Ok, you got that? Send him the email today. Do as I say and in 2 more weeks you'll have over $1500.

$2000??? For a tax??? Mr. Mensah, don't get me wrong, I appreciate what you're doing for me but we're getting boned here. Isn't this tax negotiable? I mean, can't we get this money from Mohammed's account or something?

Ms. Bushburn isn't here, I sent her to Irkutsk with the $650 to send you for the certificate. She may not be back for a couple of days as we're having one of the worst winter storms I've ever seen here. I don't know which hotel she's in so I can't call her but I'll send her an email to see what she thinks about this $2000.

This really pisses me off. I want to kill that a-hole Mohammed Abacha for causing me so much trouble and costing me so much money. Is there some way you can bribe a guard at the jail to arrange an accident or something like that? I'd be more than happy to pay extra for it.

Hang on until I can get ahold of Ms. Bushburn.

Mensah,

Nice work! You may have a future in this kind of thing after all!

Lewis forwarded your email to me and asked if he should pay the $2000. I'll write back to him today and tell him it's cool and I'll bcc you on my response.

Mensah, Lewis gave me an idea on how to get more money out of him, a lot of money. He is more concerned with getting revenge on Mohammed Abacha than he is with the money that he lost. Trust me, I know Lewis and revenge looms very large in his jungle code. He would probably pay more than the $17000 he lost just to see bad things happen to Mohammed. Do this, write to Lewis today and tell him that if he's serious you could arrange for something to 'happen' to Mohammed while he's in jail but it would cost $7500. Explain that you would have to pay the jailer and his supervisor. I'll bet you anything he would pay the money. If he doesn't want to pay that much then we havn't lost anything. Let's try it.

This storm hasn't let up at all and I don't know how long I'm going to be stuck here. What I might do is go back to Gadyukina, tell Lewis that I went to Irkutsk and sent you the $650, get the $2000 and maybe the $7500 and then make the trip to Irkutsk to send you your 30% when this storm is finished. I'll decide tonight.

I have to tell you that this is kinda fun and I'm really enjoying it! After we see how this first time goes with Lewis we'll try again with his partners. You and I can make a lot of money doing this.

Write to Lewis today about arranging to have something happen to Muhammed.

Kiss.
Maya

Maya,

Where the hell are you? I tried calling the hotel where you usually stay in Irkutsk but they said you weren't there. When are you coming back?

This thing is going to cost me another $2,000!! Can you believe this?? How did I get myself into this mess?

Right now I would be the happiest man in the world if only I could get my hands around Mohammed Abacha's scrawny neck. I even asked the attorney if he could arrange for Mohammed to have an accident in while he's in jail.

Do you think I should pay this $2,000? I'm only going to get about $14,000 back from the sale of the car that prick bought with my money. Am I going to have to spend more money than it's worth?

Lewis,

The hotel where I usually stay was full last night so I stayed at the Hotel Huisos. I'm getting ready to head back to Gadyukina now so I'll see you tonight.

The $2000 does not sound excessive to me. Sometimes the taxes in these other countries can be pretty steep. I trust your attorney and I would say go ahead and pay it.

I know how much you would like to get back at Mr. Abacha and how happy it would make you. Baby, you know that when you're happy I'm happy, unless it involves a lot of touching. If there's some way Mr. Mensah can help you I don't see a problem with it. It would give you the closure that you so badly need.

I'll see you tonight and we'll have a drink together.

Mensah, dear boy, let me try again to explain the situation here. I can't send you $200 today. The nearest Western Union office is in Irkutsk and I'm still a 6-hour drive from there, even more because of this storm. I'm in a small town called Tula which is between Irkutsk and Gadyukina. We have a season here called 'Winter' and during winter we get this white stuff falling out of the sky that we call 'Snow'. Sometimes we get lots of snow, like now.It can be very difficult and dangerous to drive in. There is about 3 feet of snow on the road to Irkutsk so I can't get there today, capice?

Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to go back to Gadyukina tonight. Lewis is going to give me $2000 and, if you hurry up and send him an email saying that you can arrange for Mr. Abacha to have his gruel poisoned, he will give me an additional $7500 to send you. Then, when this storm is over and they have the roads cleared, I will make the trip to Irkutsk to send you your $3045 which is 30% of the total amount we will have so far. I guarantee you'll have your money before the weekend, probably around Wednesday. This is like talking to a kid. Do you understand all of what I'm telling you?

Ok, so you send Lewis an email today and tell him you can have Mr. Abacha taken care of. I'll handle everything from this end.

Mr. Mensah,

This is truly good news! How I wish I could be there when this goes down! Is this going to cost anything? I would think the police would be happy to do it for free for the good of humanity.

Mr. Mensah,

I want to think about this for awhile. $7,500 is more than I thought it would be to step on a cockroach like Muhommed but I'm inclined to pay it to get rid of that reptile.

I'll talk it over with Ms. Bushburn when she gets back tonight and I'll contact you later.

Thanks again for all your effort.
Lewd

Mensah, did you even READ my last email to you?? Do you not understand that I CAN'T SEND YOU ANYTHING BEFORE WEDNESDAY BECAUSE I CAN'T GET TO THE WESTERN UNION OFFICE?? WE'RE HAVING A BLIZZARD HERE, THE ROADS ARE IMPASSABLE!!

You are very annoying sometimes Mensah, and you really need to work on that. You must be patient. Don't worry, you'll get your money, just give me a chance to get to Irkutsk. Please.

I arrived back in Gadyukina about 2 hours ago and I had a talk with Lewis. I convinced him that having Mohammed bumped off would help his mood so he gave me $7500 for that and another $2000 for the tax to send you. I think we did quite well this week.

The storm is supposed to let up either late tomorrow or early Tuesday so I'll try to get to Irkutsk again on Wednesday to send you your $200. I'll send you the MTCN when I get back here.

Talk to you then.
Maya

Mr. Alani,

I gave my passport to my Administrative Assistent and asked her to scan it and send a copy to you. She informs me that she has already done so.

Sincerely,
Lewis D. Noogie

Mensah,

Lewis gave me $2000 for the tax and another $7500 to have Mohammed taken care of. That, with the original $650 comes to a total of $10150. That's some serious centavos, my friend. And there's no need for you to worry about your $200. It looks like the storm is passing through so I should have no problem getting to Irkutsk to send it to you on Wednesday.

I told you I've done some reading about 419 scams but I had no idea it would be so easy to pulloff, especially with a financial moron like Lewis. Or his partners. I've got some great ideas for future projects.

I'll send you the Western Union information when I get back Wednesday night.

Dearest Mensah,

I have some bad news my friend. I'm not going to be able to send you any money. You see, I've got my eye on a very cute but very expensive nutria jacket and it's going to cost every bit of the $10150 that I got from Lewis. Maybe we can do something together some other time and I'll make it up to you. I'd appreciate it very much if you would send a note to Lewis saying you received the entire $10150 so he won't start asking me about it.

I do have some good news, though. I set up an email address with a name similar to yours that I'm going to use to try and pull the same thing on Lewis' partners. I hope you don't mind but I used the original email that you sent to Lewis to get things started and one of them has already come to me asking if I thought it was real and should he pursue it. Of course I said yes and it looks like he's on the hook. Wish me luck!

So thanks for all your help and good luck with any future scams.

Luv,
Maya

Mr. Mensah,

I'm not sure what you are referring to. You said you already received the $650 for the ownership certificate and Ms. Bushburn left early this morning to Irkutsk to send you $9,500 for the tax and the little accident Mohammed is going to have. I think everything is proceeding smoothly and you should have the money today.

How will you be sending me the money that is recovered from the sale of Mohammed's car? Also I would appreciate it very much if you could scan and send any newspaper articles regarding Mohammed's demise.

Thanks again for all your assistance.
Lewd

Mr. Mensah,

I don't understand you are saying. First of all, I can't very well take the money back from her because she's already in Irkutsk to send the money to you. Secondly, I don't want to have to make that long, dangerous drive to Irkutsk in this weather, that's what I have an Admin Assistant for.

And your remarks about Ms. Bushburn trying to scam us are just wrong. I trust her completely, the woman doesn't have a dishonest bone in her beautiful body. But because you have been a great help getting me through this Abacha mess I'll speak with her about your concerns when she returns tonight.

Don't worry, you'll probably receive the money tonight, tomorrow at latest.

Mr. Mensah,

I spoke with Ms. Bushburn tonight regarding the money to be sent to you. She maintains that she wired the money through Western Union today in 2 parts of $4,750 each and faxed you a copy of the transfer information. You have no doubt received it by now. She explained that you were expecting the money on Monday and probably misunderstood her when she said she would send it on Wednesday. All should be well now.

You didn't respond to my question as to how I will receive the money from the sale of Mohammed's car. Please let me know at your earliest convenience. Also please keep me appraised of Mohammed's sentencing.

Subject: Stop Writing to Lewis

Mensah, what are you trying to do, get me fired? Don't be telling Lewis that I'm trying to scam him. I didn't say that about you, did I?

Please don't write to Lewis anymore, you're just going to screw up all my plans. Don't worry, you and I can do something together some other time.

NOT THE HERBALIST! NO, NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Mensah, do you really think that you're going to cause me any harm from there with parsley? Puhleeze.

I know you're upset about me spending money on my new jacket but it's such a beautiful jacket and I look terrific in it. I promise you that if you saw me wearing it you would say I did the right thing.

Here's the good news for the day - I sent a version of your first letter to Mr. Dahmer, one of Lewis' partners and he came to me to ask if I thought it was real. Of course I said yes and he wants me to guide him through. This is so easy! Don't worry though, I'll pull you in on one of these someday.

Again, Mensah, please don't write to Lewis anymore, I really don't need him getting suspicious. Remember, you and I are partners and partners don't do that to each other.

Luv,
Maya

Mr. Mensah,

I really don't understand what's going on here. Ms. Bushburn assures me that she sent the money to you and faxed you the transfer information. I suspect that there may be a problem at Western Union, things are not always so efficient at the Irkutsk office. You'll probably receive it today or tomorrow.

One of my partners is sending Ms. Bushburn to the Western Union office tomorrow to wire some money and I will ask her to check on your transfer. I'll let you know when she gets back tomorrow night.

Mr. Mensah,

I spoke with Ms. Bushburn as you requested and I asked her for the Western Union transfer information. Unfortunately she says she left the slips in her boyfriend's house in Irkutsk. She will be returning to the Irkutsk Western Union tomorrow for one of my partners and she promises to fax the slips to you again while she's there. I hope this is satisfactory.

Mr. Mensah, you have not yet responded to my queries regarding the money from the sale of Mohammed's car and updates on his sentencing. Please bring me up to date.

Mensah, Lewis just came to me and said that you're whining again about not having received the money he thinks I sent you and I told him I'd fax the information to you again. Mensah, did I or did I not ask you to stop writing to him? If you keep this crap up you're going to get me in trouble.

What you and I had was very special to me but, sadly, it's time for us to part ways. Just go back to whatever you were doing before we met and leave Lewis alone. I'll tell Lewis that you turned out to be a scammer and disappeared with his money so he won't think that I took it. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine, but for this to work you have to go away.

Please Mensah, go away.

Yours forever,
Maya

And so Mensah goes away...