Dear Scamorama,
Below you'll find my first round of Lad baiting. In this exchange, my
fictional persona Thomas Malthus Mallory III
engages the Savimbi
brothers. I hope you find it amusing.
[ScamO Note: Jonas Savimbi was a real person - a longtime guerrilla leader in Angola. He died.
Since then, a LOT of Lads have claimed to be his sons, brothers or flunkies for purposes of scamming.]
And now let the show begin:HARY SAVIMBIThe original scam letter was deleted in a ghastly accident on the Sagumu Express Road. It was the usual Laddish money-in-a-box scam, complete with pidgin English and all the 100% risk free trimmings. THOMAS MALLORYNOTE: THOMAS USES LOTS OF UNUSUAL WORDS, BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A MANUFACTURER OF GERUNDS AND PARTICIPLES? Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2003 14:53:33 -0800 (PST)Subject: RE: URGENT BUSINESS To: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Most Esteemed Hary Savimbi, It is with fulginous hullaballo that I received from you the message you sent earlier. Know that Divine Providence has surely led you to me, for I am none other than the very soul you seek. Verily, together, as a unit composed of two or more sundry and yet distinct parts, we shall seize these salacious funds,and make most merry with them. I am no stranger to wealth, myself -- but alas, the recent economic downturns here in the States, and the subsequent failure of my own line of stainless-steel gerund and teflon coated hyperbole manufacturing plants (surely you have heard of the Strunk and White scandals,have you not?) have left me, while not in dire need of funds,at least with a keen interest in procuring new avenues of income. And here you are! Please, what must I do to assist you in this manner? I have no lack of participles, no meager store of international business splices and twice-pronounced extradition similies. Too, I travel extensively, mainly to Mordor and metropolitan Lilliput, though I have never visited your own well-intubated African shores. Currently, I am located in Las Vegas, Nevada, in the USA, where I occupy a semaphore bath-and-a-half atop the Tower of Babel (the second largest casino on the Strip!) Perhaps you can visit me here, once we retrieve and otherwise enucleate your late sire's sadly colostrum funds. Do you play keno, or craps? Perhaps you would care to try your hand at my favored game of chance, Three Handed Triple Crown Debility! But we shall speak of these things later. Now, we must make haste -- for as the Good Book says, "Waiver not, lest Balaal, that old serpent of Balthazar, strike thy bootless heel when thy iron is hot." I look forward to your response. I remain, Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III HARY SAVIMBIDear thamas mallory,I appreciate your response to my plea.I understand your fears also but I had no choice as at the time I sent out this mail. However, what my family and I need is a trustworthy and a God fearing person to help us in claiming this funds from the security company in the Netherlands.Also my family and I need somebody to help us in investing this funds in to any lucrative ventures that will be profitable for my family and you that is helping us. We do not need somebody that will abscond with the family`s fund as soon as it gets into your account.We need that much assurance from you. My family has agreed to give you 20% of this funds for your assistance and 5% has been set aside for all expenses incured in the course of this transaction.The remaining 75% shall be for the investment we are to embark on.Before I send you the documents pertaining to this transaction I need to speak with you on phone and know your stand on this issue .I want to be sure that we are dealing with the right person. I look forward to hear from you. Yours sincerely, hary. THOMAS MALLORYTakes a break. Thomas is too busy, working tirelessly to produce teflon-coated gerunds, to be bothered with these dudes on a Saturday. HARY SAVIMBIGets impatient with this. Date: 28 Feb 2003 03:22:02 -0800From: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Subject: Re: RE: URGENT BUSINESS Dear Thomas Mallory, Hi am still waiting to hear from u please . THOMAS MALLORYDate: Sat, 1 Mar 2003 06:07:46 -0800 (PST)Subject: Re: RE: URGENT BUSINESS To: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Terribly sorry for the delay. We had a main diagrammer failure at our Omaha plant; a dangling participle struck an indefinite pronoun chain, and at the processing rate of the new equipment, we lost four thousand gerund assemblies before the foreman could shut down the verbiage inductors. I'll be in Omaha until Monday or Tuesday; will get back to you then. My ox is really in the mire this time, old chap. I should have expected this -- Madame Zorria (my spiritual advisor) warned me that danger was just around the corner, and she's never wrong. We will converse in a few days. Never fear! Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III HARY SAVIMBIDate: 2 Mar 2003 13:57:56 -0800From: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Subject: Re: Re: RE: URGENT BUSINESS Gooddeysir, As you said there is no danger in any way all you have to do is to pray to God almight pls you are the right one for my family, from hary. THOMAS MALLORYDate: Mon, 3 Mar 2003 07:46:45 -0800 (PST)Subject: URGENT BUSINESS To: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Mr. Savimbi: Regarding your request for assistance, I have a few questions. To wit: 1) What role must I play? 2) What expenses should I expect to incur, bear, or otherwise scoter? (ED. NOTE: Scoter is a small duck) 3) What are my risks in this enterprise? Please, be advised that, as a businessman, I shall look dimly and askance on any claim that this business is "risk-free." Where there is potential for profit, there is risk. Be candid -- as the Necronomicon (New American Version for Kids) says, "Beware the man who smiles and speaks only of sunny days; only a fool ignores the coming of night. (Shoggoth-Gwar IV, Verse 41, canto 9)." It's time to get down to specifics. I shall be in and out of the Las Vegas for a few days, but will be checking my email when convenient. Also -- what, sir, is your full name, the date of your birth, and the prevailing humor of your bodily fluxes? Madame Zorria always acts as my advisor during business deals, and I like to provide her with as many details as possible for her divinations. I remain, Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III HARY SAVIMBIDate: 4 Mar 2003 09:02:35 -0800From: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Subject: Re: Risk Dear Mr. Mallory, I really appreciate your response to all my request and your willingness to help me and my family. However,I must not fail to let you know that there are some risk involve in this transaction. What my family and I really need is somebody to represent us at the security company in the Netherlands.Also we will want you to help us in claiming this consignment from the security company. We will like to invest this money in the United states. As you said in your last mail concerning charges, there might be some charges that we have to pay at the security company before the consignment can be released to you. My brother Alex is in the Netherlands, presently seeking assylum.Some of the documents pertaining to this transaction is with him. I would like you to contact him through his email for more explanation on how you are to meet with him. I look forward to hear from you. Thanks and God bless. Harry Savimbi. HARY SAVIMBIsorry my brother email is alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.comTHOMAS MALLORYSubject: Re: URGENT BUSINESSDate: Mon, 3 Mar 2003 10:55:44 -0800 (PST) Mr. Hari Savimbi, What do you mean by the email [above] -- are you asking me to email your brother alex at alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com? What part does he play in this enterprise? Or are you saying you've changed your email address? Please clarify. Also, I await the answers to the questions posed in my original email. Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III HARY SAVIMBIDate: 3 Mar 2003 14:22:13 -0800From: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Subject: Re: Re: URGENT BUSINESS Hello Mr. Thomas Mallory, As i said earlier on my message i said i have a brother in holland seeking asylum. I have not change my e-mail i only gave you my brother's e-mail to you be/cos when you are coming to holland he is going to be there with you to accompany you to the security company. Please fill/free on this transation. We need your telephone/fax number to enable us send the relevant document to you. Thanks for your urgent response the family are short of money at hand. If we can finsh this transation this month it will be very nice. Regards from my family,H Hary Savimbi THOMAS MALLORYDate: Mon, 3 Mar 2003 14:19:51 -0800 (PST)Subject: Re: Re: URGENT BUSINESS To: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Mr. Hari Savimbi, That is what I thought, but in a business of this tautological magnitude, I thought it best to clarify the issue. You will find me to be demanding of precision, I'm afraid. I did not build a two-million dollar empire by handling my business is a slipshod or ralliform manner. I shall contact you brother soon. Before I proceed, however, I require the answers to the questions I posed a few emails ago, which were: [He repeats the detailed questions from above] I await your response, sir. Thomas E. M. Mallory III THOMAS MALLORY(To Alex Savimbi, fictional brother of Hary Savimbi, who shares an IP address with Hary despite living half a world away) Date: Tue, 4 Mar 2003 08:04:25 -0800 (PST)Subject: URGENT BUSINESS To: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com Dear Alex Savimbi, Greetings. My name is Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III; I am writing to you on the instructions of your brother, Hari, who has made me aware of your recent misfortune and your tireless efforts to retrieve your late father's fortune. I understand you are seeking political asylum in the Netherlands. Best of luck to you in your hanuman efforts! And now, down to our syllepsis. Before we proceed, I must make one thing perfectly clear -- I have a way of doing business. A way which has served me well throughout my years in the hyperbole manufacturing industry; few hyperbole firms survived the emergence of the Hemingway Conglomerate, but mine did. I say this not in boast, but to make you aware that when I ask a question, I expect it to be answered. Promptly, and in full. I asked your brother Hari four simple questions three days ago. He has yet to respond. Ordinarily, I would suspend all business dealings on these grounds -- but as these circumstances are somewhat unusual, I am prepared -- once -- to extend the benefit of the doubt to Hari, and ask these questions instead of you. Thus: 1) What role must I play in this enterprise? 2) What expenses should I expect to incur, bear, or otherwise scoter? 3) What are my risks in this business? Please, be advised that, as a businessman, I shall look dimly and askance on any claim that this business is "risk-free." Where there is potential for profit, there is risk. Be candid -- as the Necronomicon (New American Version for Kids) says, "Beware the man who smiles and speaks only of sunny days; only a fool ignores the coming of night. (Shoggoth-Gwar IV, Verse 41, canto 9)." 4) What, sir, is your FULL name, the EXACT date of your birth, and the prevailing humor of your bodily fluxes? Madame Zorria always acts as my advisor during business deals, and I like to provide her with as many details as possible for her divinations. I await your response with great corbina and keen detumescence. Thomas E.M. Mallory, III Las Vegas, Nevada, USA ALEX SAVIMBIDate: 4 Mar 2003 17:18:43 -0800From: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS Dear Mr mallory, my brother hary call me and he told me everything,he said he has giving u all want you need the four guestion you ask but now i dont know what esle you wats sir,can u pls tell me what you want,what do you want me to explain now sir, am waiting to hear from you. yours faithfull, alex savimbi. THOMAS MALLORYDate: Wed, 5 Mar 2003 06:43:06 -0800 (PST)Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS To: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com Mr. Alex Savimbi, Good morning, sir. At any rate, it is a good morning for me; my principal competitor, Hemingway Minimalist, declared Chapter 11 bankcrupty as the markets opened this morning! Already, our orders for the upcoming quarter are up fifteen percent, and it's still well before lunch here in Nevada. I'm making plans to re-open the Montana facility, and we're even talking to the Canadians about a joint venture outside Toronto later this year. Such are my spirits that I'm prepared to extend to you one more chance to proceed with this business. You stated in your email that your brother had replied to my questions -- sir, I must beg to differ with you. I shall address my points below, one by one. 1) I asked what role I was to play, and I asked for specifics. Tell me now exactly what you want of me, and why. This has NOT been properly addressed, at least not in detail. 2) I asked what expenses I should expect to incur or otherwise eftsoons as a part of this business. We are none of us children, sir. You came to me, out of the blue; please understand that I know you sought me ought because I am known as a wealthy man who has, in the past, engaged in some unusual business practices. You know this, therefore, you want something. Nothing wrong with that. I understand completely. But I do expect to be told what it is you want. That is how gentlemen do business. And aside from a vague "there might be some expenses," your brother failed to answer this question. What expenses? Fifty thousand dollars? A hundred? Two hundred thousand? Fine -- but do me the courtesy of spelling it all out. 3) I asked what risks I would entail as a part of this finical enterprise. Your brother admitted there were risks, but did not elaborate. I require this elaboration. For instance, a simple "If anyone in authority should learn of this fimbria, we shall certainly be required to file an International Extortionate Preamble Action with the World Court Financial Extrasystole Committee in the Hague" would suffice. That's what I need, sir. Details. Just to me show me you know what you're doing. 4) Finally, I asked for your FULL NAME, your EXACT DATE OF BIRTH, and the prevailing humor of your bodily fluxes. I explained that my spiritual advisor uses this information to complete her divinations. Perhaps your brother did not explain to you that I NEVER do ANY BUSINESS without the advice of Madame Zorria; it is only with her wisdom that I have managed to survive and even prosper during these difficult times. Perhaps hemetic science is unknown to you, and thus you do not understand the phrase "prevailing humor of your bodily fluxes." That is understandable. While I am no mystic myself, I do know that to determine the prevailing humor of your bodily fluxes, one must perform the following simple ritual: 1a) Take a bowl, large enough for your hand to fit into, and fill it with water. Any water will do, as Madame Zorria told me long ago that water is the blood of the Earth, and all water is one blood. 2a) Take your left hand (your heart hand) and put it down into the bowl of water. 3a) Remove your hand from the water and SHAKE IT ONCE. THEN raise it level with your heart, then speak your FULL NAME three times. As you speak, count the drops of water that fall from your hand and LAND BACK IN THE BOWL. 4a) Tell me this number. Madame Zorria will use it to figure out the rest. Mr. Savimbi, I must have responses to all the questions above before we can proceed. I cannot stress that strongly enough. You have indicated a need for haste -- well, sir, I implore you to act on this need, and reply with fasciculate alacrity! Thomas E. M. Mallory III ALEX SAVIMBIDate: 5 Mar 2003 09:07:50 -0800From: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com Subject: Re: Re: URGENT BUSINESS sir, there notthing to talk about hary have told you every thing that will want you to help us in claiming our family fund from the security company in holland, but now i understand wats u saying is like u dont want to help the savimbi family so no problem your question has been answer so what else will dont no if u are really u give us ur phone and fax number bye alex savimbi THOMAS MALLORYDate: Wed, 5 Mar 2003 09:54:36 -0800 (PST)Subject: Re: Re: URGENT BUSINESS To: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com Sir, I asked 4 simple questions in my previous emails. Answer them, and we will proceed. In the spirit of give and take, though, I will provide you with my personal assistant's phone number. Call 702 XXX XXXX, and ask for me. My assistant's name, by the way, is Mr. Jack Nicholson. (ED. NOTE: This is a public pay phone beside the main entrance at the Sands Casino in Vegas. I hope they had fun asking for Jack Nicholson!) I find your attitude somewhat disconcerting. You ask me for help. I agree to give it. I then ask you four simple questions, and instead of answers I receive nothing but tautology, taygeta, and mycorhiza. Do you truly want help, sir? And, if so, are you willing to lose my assistance in this matter because you find answering my questions to be too arduous a task?Bah. I tell you, sir, that I do not expect to hear from you again. It seems your dedication to acquiring these funds is decidedly lacking. How sad -- a fortune lost because you will not reply to a simple email! Good day. Thomas E.M. Mallory III ALEX SAVIMBINo response. Thomas decides to prod 'brother' Hary/Hary/Harry/Hari THOMAS MALLORYDate: Wed, 5 Mar 2003 11:27:11 -0800 (PST)Subject: Your urgent business To: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Mr. Hari Savimbi, I am forwarding a record of the email correspondence between your brother Alex and myself. Regrettably, it seems that Alex and I have, as we say in the States, "failed to communicate." If you and your family do not wish to receive my help, so be it. However, it seems a shame to jeopardize such a fortune merely because your brother and I (and I'm sure your brother is a fine and upstanding young man) fail to put the right words in the ear of the other. Can you perhaps be of some assitance? If I can have the answer to my fourth question, I feel we can proceed. You must humor me in this matter, as od as it may sound -- I am profoundly convinced and utterly reliant on Madame Zorria's talents and wisdom. I await your response, sir. Thoma E. M. Mallory III (Forwarded emails clipped) THOMAS MALLORYWhat's this? My Lads are either lazy or catching on. I decide on one last prod. Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2003 08:40:09 -0800 (PST)Subject: URGENT BUSINESS one last chance To: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com SAVIMBI: If you have any interest at all in continuing with this business call me now at 702 385 2443. (Ed. NOTE: Another Vegas casino pay phone). Ask for myself or Jack Nicholson. I will be leaving Las Vegas tonight, and will be gone for several days, so if you do not call before 8:00 PM Las Vegas time do not bother to call at all. MALLORY ALEX SAVIMBIDate: 6 Mar 2003 11:04:35 -0800From: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS one last chance DEAR THOMAS MALLORY, I HAVE CALLED YOU MORE THAN FIVE TIME IS NOT GOING, WHEN IT RING IT GOES TO FAX TONE SO I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, IF GOD SAY YOU ARE THE RIGHT PERSON FOR MY FAMILY FINE IF GOD SAY NO, NO PROBLEM, OF THE SAME AM STILL TRYING ,CAN YOU PLEASE CALL ME TOO WHEN YOUR IS NOT GOING -0031627177180. ALEX SAVIMBI THOMAS MALLORYDate: Thu, 6 Mar 2003 12:05:37 -0800 (PST)Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS one last chance To: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com Dear Alex Savimbi, I owe you an apology, sir. I checked with Mr. Jack Nicholson, my assistant, and he said that you had not called, and that the numbers I gave you were for 'clear' business lines few persons know of. But, as a test, I called the numbers myself -- and was unable to reach the next room! I immediately knew the source of the problem. You see, two months ago, the Sands (surely you have head of the Sands Casino and Hotel) installed a new lighted water-fall in front of their east lobby entrance. In the process of doing so, the construction crews inadvertently cut through a major phone trunk line. Normally, this would mean an interruption of a few hours at the most. And indeed, for most of the customers affected, this was the case. Sadly, though, a portion of this trunk line, which services the Tower of Babel casino and hotel (my home), was also cut. The Tower quickly replaced all the casino's data and phone lines. But the older residential floors, which still used wiring dating from the late 1960's, presented a different problem. Rather than upgrade to new wiring, the hotel elected to replace the older wiring. This proved a disastrous decision. Our service has been horrible ever since. As the wiring process is manual, and thus prone to human error, we are constantly getting calls meant for other numbers! And, as you can attest, calls placed to my numbers are being routed to who-knows-where. I have complained to Tower management, and they have alerted Nevada Bell to the problem. Furthermore, I insisted that two reliable phone lines be established immediately to my suites. So please try 702 874 2110. This number will reach Mr. Jack Nicholson's desk. If he is engaged on this phone, try 702 312 7393; this phone is reserved for my Pacific Rim investors, and it is ALWAYS answered promptly. Finally, I give you this. It is the VIP number to the front desk of the Tower of Babel Casino. I have made them aware that I am expecting an important call from a Mr. Alex Savimbi -- should you encounter ANY PROBLEM with reaching me on either of the other numbers I have provided, please call 775 664 9036, lodge a complaint, and have them connect you to Mr. Jack Nicholson AT ONCE (they know the direct conn number). I will not tolerate this sort of slipshod operation on the part of the Tower! I appreciate your patience. I am sure that the culmination of this business shall make any small inconveniences a matter of laughter and jeremiad regalia. I await your call, sir. T. E. M. Mallory III (ED. NOTE: The phone numbers are a hodge-podge, this round. Some are public pay phones, some are fast-food joints. The last one really IS the VIP desk at a Big Vegas Casino; I can only hope that the Savimbis called and waxed wroth at not reaching Mr. Jack Nicholson). ALEX SAVIMBI
Nothing. Nada. Days pass. Do the Lads have no work ethic?
THOMAS MALLORYI decide, once again, to prod the Lads Savimbi: Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2003 11:54:20 -0800 (PST)Subject: URGENT BUSINESS To: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com CC: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com SAVIMBI: It is now Monday. I have not heard from you or your brother Alex since Friday, despite the fact that I left three phone numbers before leaving Las Vegas for Toronto. My personal assistant, Mr. Jack Nicholson, assures me that no Savimbi has made any effort to reach me by phone, and now I see that my email box is empty. I assume you no longer wish to pursue this business. Very well -- if this is the way you do business, I certainly want no part of it. Too, Madame Zorria warned me just this morning that a shadow had fallen across my divinations -- it seems someone with whom I have had recent dealings was not what they seemed, and did not mean what they said! Happily, though, she foresaw sure doom and swift ruin on those who would have done me harm (I believe her exact words were 'and their flesh shall shrivel and waste, their teeth shall rot and fall away, their eyes shall fill with maggots and burst like rotten fruit'). So good riddance. I shall invest my time and money elsewhere. Why you ever asked for my help in the first place shall always remain a mystery to me, since it is obvious you never intended to proceed. MALLORY HARY SAVIMBIDate: 10 Mar 2003 15:23:24 -0800From: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS DEAR MR MALLORY, SORRY IS NOT BY POWER I CALLED ALL THE THREE LINE THEY RING NO BODY TO PICK SO WHAT DO U WANT US TO DO, REMEMBER THIS OUR FAMILY MONEY,I CANT BE BEGING FOR MY OWN MONEY IF REALLY U WANT TO CALL THEN YOU CAN CALL MY BROTHER PLS, 0031 627177 180, ALEX. TIMOTHY. THOMAS MALLORYDate: Tue, 11 Mar 2003 08:08:02 -0800 (PST)Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS To: hary_savimbi2003@phantomemail.com SAVIMBI: I provided three phone numbers. Had you dialed any one of them correctly, you would have reached Mr Nicholson. Are telephones regarded as an exotic, incomprehensible mystery in your part of the world? And who is Timothy? I have spoken to Hari and Alex, but now I am addressed by a 'Timothy.' I see the need for confidentiality in this business has gone the way of the dodo. That is inexcusable. I can only imagine who might pop up next -- Moe and Shemp from the Three Stooges, Idi Amin, the entire cast of 'Cats?' We might as well conduct this business by hiring billboards, or using call-ins on Larry King Live as a means of passing messages back and forth. Humbug, I say. Sheer unmitigated humbug. Bah. I have no further use for you. If your brother sends the documents, fine, I shall deal with him. In any case, I find you tiresome and insist that you never email me again. I do not conduct business with persons of your caliber, unless it is to instruct them in the preparation of my french fries or the cleaning of my floors, neither of which, by the way, are you competent to perform. MALLORY ALEX SAVIMBIDate: 10 Mar 2003 15:33:19 -0800From: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS Mr mallory, please if you want me to do thing with you u call me please cos i have try all your number no one goes so am afraid i dont know what to say than you call me.cos there ar document i have to send to u throught fax will have to change your name to the benefical of the cosignment, really the security company dont know it is money that is there that why will are doing it confidential if you ar willing can you pls call me 0031627177180. alex. THOMAS MALLORYDate: Tue, 11 Mar 2003 07:55:54 -0800 (PST)Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS To: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com SAVIMBI: What an absurd request. I will not telephone you. I have neither need nor desire to speak to you. Any documents you need me to complete may be sent and returned via email. Either send the documents or go away. I suspect you are a nincompoop. The next time you insist that I telephone you I shall delete your email and add your email address to my junk mail list. Is this all a humbug? Boxes full of money. Security companies in Europe. An utter and complete lack of cooperation. Call me, call me, call me. Do you realize, sir, that I just completed a joint financial effort with none other than Hyperbole Toronto and not once did I "call" their CEO? I say to you, sir, that if I can complete a 1.2 million dollar deal with Hyperbole Toronto without once calling CEO Harry Potter that we should be able to conduct out business in the same way -- through the written word alone. That way, you have my words on file, I have yours on file, and never will one be able to say to the other "But you said thus-and-such" unless the statement is verifiable and true. Humbug and flummery. I will stand for neither. We will conduct this business on my terms and my terms alone or we shall not conduct it at all. MALLORY THOMAS MALLORYI was hoping for a disjointed, badly-phrased 'you bad man go to heck' tell-off from one or both of the brothers Savimbi. But, sadly, they opted to remain silent! I tried prodding, pretending that I had in fact been called by someone claiming to be a Savimbi. I then went to a free card site and sent cards to the Savimbis which appeared to be sent by another of my Lads. The message attached was as follows:You pig dog! You stink as does pig dog. Many pig dogs enter your mouth daily. Leave my mugus alone you pig dog or I send bad juju to your bed at night and scorpions shall inhabit your ears do not fail to heed this warning pig dog. And now the final emails: THOMAS MALLORYDate: Wed, 12 Mar 2003 07:40:54 -0800 (PST)Subject: YOUR CALL To: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com SAVIMBI: My assistant, Mr. Jack Nicholson, reports that at 8:47 PM last evening (Las Vegas time), he received a phone call from a Mr. Idris Savimbi. The following is a log of their conversation: Jack Nicholson: Good evening. You have reached the Mallory suites; this is Mr. Nicholson speaking. Idris Savimbi: Yes. I am Dr. Idris Savimbi, calling for Thomas Mallory. Is he in? Jack Nicholson: Mr. Mallory is not available to speak with you at this time. May I inquire as to the nature of your call? Idris Savimbi: I am calling about the bank account. The one in the Bahamas. Mr. Mallory will know what I speak of. Jack Nicholson: Indeed. And what is it about this Bahamas account that you wish to discuss? Idris Savimbi: That is confidential. Only Mallory may speak with me. Jack Nicholson: Mr. Mallory, sir. And it is not possible for you to speak to him at this time. Do you care to leave a more specific message? Idris Savimbi: Let me speak to Mr. Mallory. I know he is returned from Toronto. I must speak with him now, it is urgent. Jack Nicholson: Let me go over this again, slowly, in deference to your obvious language deficiency. You may not speak to Mr. Mallory at this time. Or on a plane. Or on a train. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Idris Savimbi: Tell him the other Savimbis are frauds! They will trick him. They are thieves. Nigerian thieves! They will --- Jack Nicholson: Good evening, sir. This conversation is over. Idris Savimbi: Wait he must not --- CONNECTION TERMINATED --- What is this? Who is Idris Savimbi? What did he mean by 'the other Savimbis?' What the devil have you done -- pasted my private phone numbers on every grass hut and man-sized stew-pot in your village? Do NOT harass me further. Do NOT call my telephones. I have instructed Mr. Nicholson to hang up immediately should any creature calling itself a Savimbi dare to telephone my offices. Bah. There never was a cent of money, was there? Ply your half-baked tales of woe to another. And for Heaven's sake, learn to spell, you odious little rodent. MALLORY AND then: THOMAS MALLORYDate: Tue, 18 Mar 2003 10:56:41 -0800 (PST)Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS To: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com What the Devil do you mean by telephoning Mr. Nicholson and calling him a 'two-legged rat?' Have I not told you to have no further dealings with us? Stop calling me! We will do no business! How much simpler may I state this? MALLORY THOMAS MALLORYStill no response. More cards are sent. And a final email: Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2003 08:38:12 -0800 (PST)Subject: STOP CALLING ME! To: alex_savimbi2004@phantomemail.com SAVIMBI: I WILL STATE IT ONE MORE TIME -- STOP CALLING ME! Mr. Nicholson reports three more calls to my suites from an Idris Savimbi. I assume this is you, or your brother, or some other infernal relation. I WILL SPEAK TO NONE OF YOU! STOP CALLING! How much more plainly may I state my wishes? We shall do no business. I am not willing to speak to you. I do not care what stories you tell, or what offers you make. I do not care to hear about attempts at fraud, about information (real names, real addresses, real identities) that I might wish to forward to the police. I no longer believe you ever had claim to any monies left in limbo by anyone; I doubt you name is even Savimbi, or whatever the caller keeps insisting is your real name. GO AWAY. MALLORY
I never heard another word from these clowns. Nor did I learn the true
flux of their bodily
humors, the cads! |