Updated april 17, 2011
From the galactic intelligence which spawned APOSTROPHE NOW, BLEAK LAD and WHAT THE DICKENS comes another weird tale.
Cast (in order of appearance):
Rev. Laurier A. Labreche JP - a consultant with the United Nations
[Scam-o-dislaimer: scammers often pose as other people, real and imaginary. ]
versus
Lascivia Meretrix - a lady, really, really, rich
Conversation Kenge - her solicitor
|
Rev. Laurier A. Labreche JP
UNITED NATIONS OFFICE OF INTERNAL OVERSIGHT SERVICES Your Very Urgent Attention. From: Rev. Laurier A. Labreche JP. My name is LAURIER A. LABRECHE JP, a consultant with the United Nations. I write to inform you that I came to Nigeria yesterday from America, after series of complains from the FBI and petitions against the Federal Government of Nigeria and the British Government for the rate of scam activities going on in these two nations the UN under my capacity mandated that I came for a first hand investigation and rule out possible solution to the problem. From all indication, after due investigation as regards to this very matter, it came to the attention of the minister, federal ministry of finance and the accountant general of the federation that there is no cent existing on your favor as one of the legitimate beneficiary of the contract/inheritance amount you are struggling all this while to claim but due to the dubious interest of some top officials they short listed your name as one of the approved beneficiaries that have not been paid, well my dear, I want you to understand that your name is not short listed in any contractual/inheritance payment and you are not going to receive any money as regards to this subject, it all forged in order to extract money from you by some officials that derive joy from doing so. Meanwhile, I have good news for you, the only place your name appeared as one of the legal beneficiary of any money in our list which bears your name, is as one of the scam affected persons to be compensated with the total sum of Two million five Hundred Thousand dollars (US $2.5M) which incidentally came as a result of your involvement in dealing with some people that claims to have some huge amount of money for you which I must say is a very big lie. I have met with President Goodluck Jonathan of Nigeria who claimed that he has been trying his best to make sure you receive your fund in your account. This is part of the resolution that was deliberated on when he visited United States of America to see President Barrack Obama shortly before he took over still as the vice on 10th of April 2010, and immediately he took over the presidential position on May 6th 2010 he repeated the visit. The UN secretary general Mr. Ban Ki-Moon has directed that we work in collaborations with the Nigerian Economic and Financial Crime Commission and have decided to waive away all clearance fees/Charges and authorize the Government of Nigeria to effect payments without prejudice to affected victims with Two million five Hundred Thousand dollars (US$2.5M) each with immediate effect. MENTHOD OF PAYMENTS: (1) CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT (2) ONLINE BANKING VIA ANDERSON FEDERAL CREDIT UNION-SOUTH CAROLINA. (3) ATM DEBIT CARD PAYMENT.
Your full name.... The only thing you need to receive your fund is the UN Notarization of UN Bill of Right, after which the "UN Bill of Right" Certificate will be issued to you that will supersede any injunction whatsoever and by then your fund must have been guaranteed. Sincerely, you are a lucky person because I have just discovered that some top Nigerian officials like Professor Charles, Dr. Adams just to mention but this few and some British Government Officials are interested in your fund and they are working in collaboration with some faceless individuals to frustrate you and thereafter divert your fund into their personal account. I have a very limited time to stay here so I would like you to urgently respond to this message so that I can advise you on how best you can receive your fund within the shortest possible time without spending unnecessarily. Note: contact me if you are ready to receive your funds. I await your reply. attached is a scan copy of my identity for your own confirmation and in order to ascertain whom you are dealing with.
Sincerely yours, Lascivia Meretrix
4/9/2011 Before I proceed, I should like to know from whom I inherited this sumRev. Laurier A. Labreche JP
... avoids the question! 4/9/2011
UNITED NATIONS ORGANIZATION Attention; Lascivia Meretrix Re: Fund Release Order of your Inheritance Payment. Reference to your mail received regarding the release of your inheritance sum of US$19.5 million to you as your inheritance entitlement, and this fund is meant for humanitarian project, and all the fund documentation is included in your file in our office, including the fund origin. Based on that, I would like you to re-confirm the below details for me.
Your Full Name The above details shall aid aid us in furtherance communication. As soon as I hear from you, we shall provide you all the documents both the Deposit Certificate of the fund with the fund origin certificate with other necessary document for your clarification. Attached is a scan copy of my identity for your own verification in order to ascertain who you are dealing with while you remain rest assured. Yours in service,
Rev. Laurier A. Labreche JP. Lascivia Meretrix
Please do send this information to my solicitors, whom you may reach at the following address:
Conversation Kenge Rev. Laurier A. Labreche JP
4/11/2011
UNITED NATIONS ORGANIZATION Attention; Lascivia Meretrix Re: Fund Release Order of your Inheritance Payment. Regarding your mail received, I want you to understand that this transaction is real, and you are the person he selected to inherit this fund and assist him on the Humanitarian project he has been doing before his death. I know it would be difficult for you to believe, but all the documentation both his will pertaining to this transaction was documented and submitted to us by his lawyer, which I shall send to you upon request. Yours in service,
Rev. Laurier A. Labreche JP. But who is this mysterious "he" ? Lascivia Meretrix
Dear Mr. Laurier, Since we are not acquainted, I am very disinclined to open attachments. I have asked that you post the documents pertaining to this legacy to my solicitors. If this is not acceptable, I will have my solicitors contact you and you can sort out the details between you, Thank you, Lascivia MeretrixRev. Laurier A. Labreche JP
4/14/2011 ios.unitednations.ng@gmail.com
UNITED NATIONS ORGANIZATION Attention; Lascivia Meretrix Re: Fund Release Order of your Inheritance Payment. Reference to your mail received, this go through the attached and get back to us for more information. Yours in service,
Rev. Laurier A. Labreche JP. Lascivia Meretrix
Very well. I will do that Lascivia MeretrixRev. Laurier A. Labreche JP
4/14/2011 Attention; Lascivia Meretrix Re: Fund Release Order of your Inheritance Payment. Let your attorney contact me. Yours in service,
Rev. Laurier A. Labreche JP. Conversation Kenge
Subject: In the matter of Labreche vs. Meretrix Date: April 14, 2011 The offices of Kenge and Carboy are at your service, madame. I will endeavour to uphold the standard you have set in your prior dealings with these scoundrels.
Yrs obdt Conversation Kenge
... dutifully contacts the "Reverend" Subject: In the matter of Labreche vs. Meretrix Date: April 14, 2011
Sir, We are prepared to produce any appropriate paperwork, along with any obfuscation required. Indeed, you might say that obfuscation and rigmarole form the core of our practice. Mme Meretrix did not favor us with a copy of your identification, nor the attachment, therefore I should be obliged if you would provide the necessary. Further, there are some puzzling discrepancies in your previous correspondence. 1. Is the sum you contemplate settling on Mme Meretrix the result of a contract or an inheritance? As a legal specialist, I can assure you that the two things are quite distinct. 2. Mme Meretrix has not, as you put it, been struggling to collect this amount you say she is owed, because she has never heard of it. As far as I know she has been pleasantly occupied in managing her considerable fortune, in comparison with which the sum you mention, when translated to British pounds, would scarcely cover the groundskeeping expenses on her summer estate. 3. I assure you that Mme Meretrix has had no dealings with any persons in connection with any legal matter in Nigeria, be they Professor Charles, or Dr. Adams. Nor is she acquainted with the "UN", whatever that might be, or a "UN Bill of Right". 4. Why is Mme Meretrix to receive two and one half million US dollars, when you say the inheritance is nineteen and one half million dollars? 5. You propose to settle this sum on Mme Meretrix through various means which are opaque to me - "online banking" in a state in the American South? "ATM debit card?" Please explain. We would never advise a client to bank abroad. 6. I do not understand what you mean by "I have a very limited time to stay here". Are you a nomadic person? 7. What is the nature of the humanitarian project you wish Mme Meretrix to undertake, and is it a condition of the inheritance? She is a person of a retiring nature. No doubt any such effort would fall to myself or my colleague Mr. Carboy, and we are uncertain of what you wish to be done, although there is a Home for Writers Afflicted with Block which has benefited from Mme Meretrix's charity in the past. Upon your explanation of the above points, matters will no doubt proceed to a speedy conclusion. I am taking the liberty of copying our correspondence to Mme Meretrix, that she may be satisfied on the point.
Yrs obdt Conversation Kenge
A few days pass with no word from the "Reverend".
To: ios.unitednations.ng@gmail.com
Ref: LMeretrix-2011-4-2 Sir, I await your response to my questions regarding the sum you propose to settle on my client, Mme Meretrix. Mme Meretrix has instructed me to cooperate with you, to the extent that legal modalities permit. However, I am still not in possession of the facts. I must examine your bonafides to determine whether your proposal is truly remunerative. Time waits for no man, sir, even in the bleakest of houses. Yrs obdt C. Kenge Kenge and Carboy, Solicitors Conversation Kenge
cc: the scammer Madame, In regard to the above, I have not yet received a reply from Reverend Labreche. I have since determined that, by "UN", he means the United Nations. Our research department has no record of him, which does not necessarily mean that he is not, as he claims, a consultant to that institution. However, his lack of attentiveness raises questions. Please be cautious. I need hardly remind you that many scoundrels exploit well-meaning, wealthy persons such as yourself for their own gain. [While the recent attempt by the soi-disant Mr. Adams Benson to pose as a representative of the Home for Writers with Block did no serious damage, ten thousand pounds is not to be sniffed at, even for someone of your means.] Perhaps, given his surname, Reverend Labreche is French-speaking. We have people in Chambers who can compose an email in French, which might move matters along. However, we have spent a total of one hour, fifteen minutes on this matter. Nineteen hours and forty-five minutes remain in your retainer, but I am not one to waste a client's money on fruitless dealings. I will proceed no further until I hear from Reverend Labreche, or unless you instruct me to contact him again. Separately, I have received your kind invitation to the shooting weekend at your estate, and will be delighted to attend. May I presume that, as before, one of your splendid fowling pieces will be provided me?
Yrs obdt, [More to come? We hope so!] |