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(Original Letter from "Bodunde":) FROM: THE DESK OF BODUNDE THOMPSON UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC. UNION BANK OF NIGERIA BIG, STRONG, RELIABLE PRIVATE EMAIL: bodundethompson1@netscape.net STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL I KNOW THIS PROPOSAL WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE EXPECIALLY WHEN YOU DO NOT KNOW THE WRITER,CONDSIDERING THE HUGE SUM OF MONEY INVOLVED WHICH COULD MAKE ANY APPREHENSIVE. LET ME START BY INTRODUCING MYSELF TO YOU, I AM BODUNDE THOMPSON I AM A STAFF OF UNION BANK OF NIGERIA PLC. LAGOS. I SAW YOUR CONTACT DURING MY PRIVATE SEARCH AT THE INFORMATION CENTRE HERE IN NIGERIA CHAMBER OF COMMENCE AND INDUSTRY AND I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL BE VERY HONEST, COMMITTED AND CAPABLE OF ASSISTING IN THIS BUSINESS VENTURE. FIRSTLY, LET ME EXPLAIN THE SOURCE OF THIS FUNDS AND WHAT YOU ARE EXPECTED TO DO. A FORIGNER LATE ENGINEER THEOPHILUS BAKER, AN OIL MERCHANT/CONTRACTOR WITH THE GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA, UNTIL HIS DEATH, OVER A YEAR AGO, WAS A VICTIM OFA KENYA AIRWAYS: BUS (A310-300) FLIGHT KQ430 PLANE CRASH. THE DECEASED, ENGNIEER THEOPILIUS BAKER, BANKED WITH US AND HAS A CLOSING BALANCE AS A JULY 2000 WORTH $4.5M (FOUR MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOSAND USD).WHICH MY BANK, NOW EXPECTES A NEXT-OF-KIN TO CLAIM AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUNDS, EFFORTS HAS BEEN MADE BY UNION BANK OF NIGERIA TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE BAKER'S FAMILY OR RELATIVE BUT TO NO SUCCESS. BASED ON THE PERCEIVED POSSIBILITY OF NOT BEING ABLE TO LOCATE ENGNIEER THEOPILUS'S NEXT-OF-KIN, THE MANAGEMENT UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF OUR CHAIRMAN AND THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS ARE MAKING ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FUNDS TO BE DECLARED UNCLAIMED AND CHANNELED TO AN UNKNOWN ACCOUNT.IT IS BASED ON THIS THAT WE HAVE CONTACTED YOU TO STAND AS THE NEXT-OF-KIN OF LATE ENGR. THEOPILUS BAKER SO THAT THE FUNDS, WILL BE RELEASED AND PAID INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AS THE BENEFICIARY AND THE NEXT-OF-KIN TO THE DECEASED. ALL DOCUMENTS, AND PROOF TO ENABLE YOU GET THE FUNDS HAVE BEEN CAREFULLY WORKED OUT AS WE HAVE SECURED FROM THE DIFFERENT OFFICES CONCERNED FOR THE SMOOTH TRANSFER OF THE FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT.IT HAS BEEN AGREED THAT THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT WILL BE COMPENSATED WITH 20% OF THE REMITTED FUNDS, WHILE WE KEEP 75% AND 5% WILL BE SET ASIDE TO OFFSET EXPENSES BOTH LOCALLY AND INTERNATIONAL. IF THIS PROPOSAL SATISFIES YOU, PLEASE REACH US ONLY BY MAIL OR PHONE, FOR MORE INFORMATION. IT MIGHT BE DIFFICULT TO GET THROUGH TO ME, BECAUSE OF POOR TELECOMUNICATION SYSTEM HERE. PLEASE KEEP TRYING YOU WILL DEFINITELY GET THROUGH. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BODUNDE THOMPSON (My reply:) Howdy Bodunde, Well SHEE-AT and call it manure! That shur is a heck of a lot of money, and it could go a long way toward saving our farm. See, we've had this here farm for 50 years, and we were all living happy as a pig in a poke 'till about five years ago when mean ol' Pernicious Xavier Alabastulous and the gub'ment men decided they wanted our land for a shoppin mall and amusement park celebratin the glorified history of lawn gnomes. We been fightin the battle of our lives ever since, puttin our heads together with Doc Sampson and those Duke boys to see hows we could outwit Pernicious, Boss Hog and the rest of 'em. One time (this is kinda funny) we sent Cuzzin Daisy down there dressed in a lulu of an outfit ta' distract the lot of 'em while we was siphonin gas outta Roscoe P. Coltrane's police vehicle, sos he couldn't make it to City Hall on time to file them papers for Stage 1 of the lawn gnome plan. Hee hee hee hee... Oh, it still makes me laugh. But just the same, it sure would be nice just to have that thar money an' tell the lot of 'em to go to hell on the shiny tip of my ass. So if yer offer still stands, I might be in a buyin mood. Sorry about yer friend, I know it's hard 'cuz my Bocephus just passed not too long ago, and damn did I love that dog. And where is Nigeria exactly? Is that just north a' the Ozarks? yours truly, LL (Bodunde) Subject line: REALLY SURE YOU ARE READY? Dear LL, How are you today?i got your mail and i am very sorry for the way you were treated as regards your farm,i want you to know that this is a very good opportunity for you to establish a better farm,so i want you to know that this transaction is hundred percent risk free as i am the financial advicer to the late Theophilous Baker so i will not have problem swarping you in as next of kin.what i will actually require from you is your and fax number so that so that i can call you and really know if you are hundred percent interested or if you are a joker,please expedite action on this immediately,once this is done i will send you all the document that will enable you lay claim to the fund and also fax you the bank's application form so that you can lay claim to your uncles inheritance. I will also want you to call me on my private number immediately you receive this mail,the no is 234-802-354-6089 today. Wishing you the best and best regards Bodunde Thompson (My reply:) Dear Bodunde, I am serious as a heart attack my friend. Here's one peck o' trouble, though, that I'm not rightly shur how ta get around... See, we is indeed simple farm folk, and we don't have no phone, let alone some fancy citified fax machine, on our simple farm. And the only workin phone in town is owned by -- you guessed it -- mean ol' Pernicious Xavier Alabastulous. So beins that my kin and I are on the outs with said gentleman (and I do hope you see I use that term loosely), cows would fly out my ass before I'd ever get to use that thar phone. I been writin to you from an underground internet connection my idiot savant nephew set up in the basement of Cooter's chicken feed store, hackin into the cable TV line that runs underground. (Yes, we do get HBO all the way out here, thank you very much. I like Oz best, because it's like Dallas but with shankin and man-on-man rape.) I will tell you what... Beins that you come into so much money from yer friend Theo, maybe you could just come out here on an aeroplane with the check and even stay for a spell. The farm is real purty this time a' year, we got plenty a room, and you haven't ate 'till you had some a Daisy's fried gizzards and gravy. Then we could take that check over to the farm credit union ta deposit -- I got a second cousin I was engaged to years ago (we still good friends, don't worry) who will take care of our business real quiet like. Believe me, no one wants ta see Pernicious brought down in a blaze a hellfire more than him. Please respond soon to this idea, as just today I got a very similar offer from a John in South Africa. Lawsey, it looks like my ship is finally comin' in! kind regards, LL (Bodunde, amazingly) My Dear friend, How are you today,now that i am okay that you really serious about doing business,i am attaching the bank's application form for you to be able to lay claim to the fund,this form you are required to fill and send to the bank via fax,the bank's fax number is 234 1 4400357,you are required to fill and fax the application form to the bank and what soever you hear from them you copy me so that i can always guide lest you make mistakes. Let me assure you that we will go through every legal procedure to achieve our aim and and so ther is no risk involve as i will be letting you know all you need to know about this business. Finally,when you have sent the application form to the bank,i will send you the document which Theophilus Baker used in opening the acount,the will which he wrote and i will swarp your name as next of kin to Theophilus Baker. But meanwhile you will have get yourself a fax machine and a good telephone for effective communication and for you to receive this document. Above all this is a very confidential business and i really hope i can trust you. Besr regards Bodunde Thompson (I did not open the attachment, but I did reply) "Dear Bodunde, Well I reckon what the Bible says about greed is true, 'cause today I'm writin to you from the Hazzard County jail. Lordy a'mercy, those Duke boys an I shur are in a peck o' trouble, and I don't know how we'll get outta the fix we're in this time... See, at dinner last night (and a fine meal it was, if it has to be my last supper -- Daisy's fritter-style pigs feet breaded so nice and cooked real tender, with hot biscuits that just damn near melt in yer mouth before ye even chew 'em, and collard greens steamed to a deep, fleshy pulp so the whole house smelled of 'em... I tell you Bodunde, I coulda died right there an' heard glory callin' me to Jesus by way a' my taste buds! It was that good, an' that's why I shur wish you could visit and really experience what I'm talkin about. If you could get a flight inta Atlanta, the bus ride from thar ain't too bad and goes through some very purty country, 'specially this time a year. Well, just think about it, 'cause I feel closer to you now bein pen pals and we'd love to have such an important visitor, an we ain't never had no one here from Nigeria before. I reckon folks'd be talkin about that fer years...) all the Dukes put our heads together and hatched a plan a' how to sneak inta mean ol' Pernicious Xavier Alabastulous's place and jerry-rig an ol' typewriter to the phone as a Johnny-come-lately fax machine! We had it all worked out, and we was all layin' low in the back a' Uncle Jesse's truck with the typewriter ready to pounce when tha lights went out (everybody in these parts knows that mean ol' Pernicious sleeps like the dead and snores as loud as a grizzly bear). But jest as we seen Pernicious through the bathroom winder drop his dentures inta a' glass a' Pepsodent, my poor idiot savant nephew (whos we had ta bring along ta' jerry rig the fax) started hollerin' obscenities in a ragin' fit a' Tourettes. We was caught like the fox in the henhouse, and before we was halfway back home we was apprehended by Roscoe n' Enos, aka the Hazzard County FUZZ. So here I sit no better off n' I was before. I'm still hopin' maybe you can come fer a visit and bring that thar check, now I need it more than ever. Any chance you could Western Union a small advance to me, care of the Hazzard County Courthouse, Hazzard, GA? I shur would appreciate it, good buddy. Also, this jerry-rigged laptop from Cooter's basement is running off an old Atari motherboard, so I'm unable to open attachments unless you can encode them using a GNU compiler, and front-end encode it as C++ or Fourtran document, or the best would be to copy it to a First Edition Pac Man cartridge, if ya have one (or check eBay). Thanky kindly! sincerely, LL (...and here ended our most pleasant correspondence) |